Being a better wife...prepping lunches, encouraging and making sure he has what he needs

[busymama7]

Give a man a fish. He eats for a day. Teach a man to fish. He eats for a lifetime.

 

I believe we do people no favours by enabling them. Being a good wife means letting a person learn and grow and be the independent individual they need to be in order to survive without you. There are no guarantees in life and I don't even know if I'll wake up tomorrow. The thought that my husband could sit there tomorrow not having a freakin' clue what or how fix his own lunch would mean that I'd been a pretty bad wife and an even worse partner in life. So, I let him make his own lunch, wash his own laundry, clean house and all that stuff. When I'm dust, he can sweep me up properly and go on living a relatively clean, well-fed life on his own when/if he has to do so.

I'm so glad my husband and I don't think of our joint life together like this. No one is suggesting we do nice things for our spouses because they are unable. But because it is kind and loving. I don't go to work all day and you certainly don't hear my husband whining about me not being able to support myself or spending "his" money I don't even have the decency to earn. Geesh. What a sad sad way to look at a partnership. (For the record my husband does his own laundry and I rarely pack him lunch. But I do so lots of things he *could* do for him for him and he does for me too. We serve each other) I'm trying to figure out how that kind of life even looks. glad it's not mine.

[Audrey]

I'm so glad my husband and I don't think of our joint life together like this. No one is suggesting we do nice things for our spouses because they are unable. But because it is kind and loving. I don't go to work all day and you certainly don't hear my husband whining about me not being able to support myself or spending "his" money I don't even have the decency to earn. Geesh. What a sad sad way to look at a partnership. (For the record my husband does his own laundry and I rarely pack him lunch. But I do so lots of things he *could* do for him for him and he does for me too. We serve each other) I'm trying to figure out how that kind of life even looks. glad it's not mine.

 

 

Not sure how you get any of that out of what I said.   Your rambling is a non sequitor to my post.

[Zinnia]

I make my dh's lunch, but it is not because he doesn't know how. It is just a nice thing I do for him to show my love.

[Prairie~Phlox]

I get up every day & make my husband breakfast at 6am & pack his lunch. I don't do it to enable him, that's just stupid. I do it so his morning is easier & it's two less things he would otherwise have to deal with. I do it because I love him & it's one way for me to encourage him before he has a long day at work. People need to do whatever works for their marriage, this is just how it is.

[busymama7]

Not sure how you get any of that out of what I said. Your rambling is a non sequitor to my post.

Well that sounded like exactly what you were saying. Sorry if I misunderstood

Edited May 6, 2016 by busymama7

[marbel]

Give a man a fish. He eats for a day.  Teach a man to fish. He eats for a lifetime.

 

I believe we do people no favours by enabling them.  Being a good wife means letting a person learn and grow and be the independent individual they need to be in order to survive without you.  There are no guarantees in life and I don't even know if I'll wake up tomorrow.  The thought that my husband could sit there tomorrow not having a freakin' clue what or how fix his own lunch would mean that I'd been a pretty bad wife and an even worse partner in life.  So, I let him make his own lunch, wash his own laundry, clean house and all that stuff.  When I'm dust, he can sweep me up properly and go on living a relatively clean, well-fed life on his own when/if he has to do so.

 

You have got to be kidding me.

 

I've done 90% of the cooking (including packing lunches when needed) and laundry for the past 20 years.  I have zero worry that if I drop dead, my husband will sit around unable to figure out how to make lunch or get his clothing clean.  He is just pretty competent that way and it's not rocket science, you know?

 

I'm sure you didn't mean to be, but your post came across as pretty condescending. 

Edited May 6, 2016 by marbel

[Guest]

Give a man a fish. He eats for a day. Teach a man to fish. He eats for a lifetime.

 

I believe we do people no favours by enabling them. Being a good wife means letting a person learn and grow and be the independent individual they need to be in order to survive without you. There are no guarantees in life and I don't even know if I'll wake up tomorrow. The thought that my husband could sit there tomorrow not having a freakin' clue what or how fix his own lunch would mean that I'd been a pretty bad wife and an even worse partner in life. So, I let him make his own lunch, wash his own laundry, clean house and all that stuff. When I'm dust, he can sweep me up properly and go on living a relatively clean, well-fed life on his own when/if he has to do so.

Your argument doesn't make a lot of sense. My husband is very capable of doing these things on his own. He did survive before he met me. It isn't like I married him as a child who had never lived on his own. To imply that doing things for an adult, who has most likely done them for themself at some point, is enabling him is just odd.

 

He goes out and makes a living. I work, but it's from home and takes me maybe an hour a day. I don't do things because he can't...I do them because it helps him out and I have a happier and less stressed husband at the end of the day.

[heartlikealion]

Well that sounded like exactly what you were saying. Sorry if I misunderstood

 

Count me in the club.

 

I'm not sure if Audrey meant make sure our husbands know how to do those things, or make sure they do them themselves all the time. I read it the second way originally.

 

Dh actually suggested we iron his shirts together this coming weekend so that's progress. I know he's nervous about ironing. I told him just not on Mother's day LOL

[LucyStoner]

Knowing how to do something does not mean that one always has the time to do it. I know how to cook. When I worked more than FT, I didn't have the time to do so everyday. My husband knows how to hang pictures, fix small appliances, unclog dish disposals, make lunches, cook well enough to stay alive, clean house, wash laundry and iron. That said, he is working, commuting or studying 12-15 hours a day. Call me selfish or an enabler but I prefer his free time at home be primarily spent with the boys or with me. I'll happily do all the laundry and fix the mixer and change the oil in the car if that means he can curl up and read with the boys or have family game night or climb into bed with me before he's passed out from exhaustion rather than do 1/2 the housework, pack all of his own lunches and do his own laundry. I think it would be rather petty of me to demand he do all that while juggling both work and FT schooling, both of which benefit all of us. I have time to juggle most of that stuff and know that he does what he can when he can and when needed. An example- my back is f-ed up intermittently. I know that when it's flaring up I don't have to say anything but I will find that he carved out time to wash the bathtubs and change sheets which are things I normally do but which are difficult when my back is funky. What we can, when we can.

[creekland]

So, I let him make his own lunch, wash his own laundry, clean house and all that stuff.  When I'm dust, he can sweep me up properly and go on living a relatively clean, well-fed life on his own when/if he has to do so.

 

Hmm, when I'm dust hubby will eat well, though probably not as healthy, he might need new clothes due to mistakes doing laundry, and the house will probably be cleaner than it is now - at least in places.  Actually though, I expect he'll sell most things, collect on my life insurance, and enjoy himself living on a sailboat sailing the Seven Seas...

 

Ok... it's probably not important that I give up my control over the laundry after all.

 

When he's dust I suspect I'll sell things, collect on his life insurance, and end up either backpacking the world or working somewhere as a volunteer (likely second or third world).  I can get by not knowing how to fix the cars or other mechanical stuff around the house.

 

Interesting way to think about it though.

 

My guys learned a lot of the basics for real when they went to college (vs at home when they had supervision so it was more like apprenticeship).  All three seem to be handling life well.  I've no idea how they will divide chores after marriage.  Well, oldest is married.  He does most of the cooking.  I'm not sure on the rest.  We've never asked.  They seem happy.

[DawnM]

Eh, being a good wife is far less about doing stuff for "your man" than having an attitude that you are with your best friend.  

 

My husband does his own laundry.  He didn't like the way I did it, and quite frankly, I didn't think I should have to do it his way.  I was doing it!  But now all my kids and my DH do their own laundry.  I do the towels for everyone.

 

DH takes in leftovers, he doesn't like sandwiches, so I show I care by making larger portions so he has enough to take the next day.  When we finish eating dinner, he gets out a container and fills it up before I put the rest away, or someone puts the rest away, it isn't always me.

 

When I was complaining once about my DH not being romantic, etc....to my friend who was going through a divorce, she quickly pointed out that my husband changed my oil before my road trip, checked the pressures in the car, filled the tank with gas, and washed the outside......all things I had taken for granted because he didn't get me flowers (or whatever, but you get the point.)  She commented and said, "My husband never cared enough about me to do any of that."   I was humbled.  I have a great husband who loves me very much.  

 

My point is that the external stuff is just that, I can wash clothes and feed people I don't even like, but I can't show care and concern for them if I truly don't care.  

[Sarah CB]

If I worked the kind of hours that dh does then I could understand why someone wouldn't make their dh's lunch or do his laundry, but the fact of the matter is that he works *way* longer hours than I do.  Why on earth wouldn't I do everything I could to ensure that the time he does have at home can be spent with family instead of doing household chores? 

[momee]

...edited because this is becoming more than I'm willing to participate in...

 

He's actually, in my eyes, a selfless hero - not an idiot or whatever.

 

And I am trying to carefully not make this an argument.  I was simply asking for some advice - I apologize for stirring up anything but my intention was to get another woman's perspective on something that matters - to me.  I hope my response will not be taken as an argument as that is not at all my intent. 

 

Forgiveness requested for my offense, it was sincerely unintentional.  

Edited May 6, 2016 by momee

[marbel]

<snip>

 

And I refuse to make this an argument.  I was simply asking for some advice - I apologize for stirring up anything but my intention clearly**I hope was nothing of the sort.  I feel my rebuttal will be taken as an argument and that is not at all my intent. 

 

Forgiveness requested and maybe we should drop the subject.  I will humbly drop it anyway.

 

You have nothing to apologize for.   There was no reason for anything to be "stirred up." 

 

[momee]

I've never heard this term - non sequitur.  Google says means a conclusion or statement that does not logically follow from the previous argument or statement.  That seems to be what's happening here and I shouldn't continue to post as it's an issue maybe I'm guilty of reading into something I shouldn't as well.  I'll humbly maintain my request for apology if I caused an offense and ask that we respectfully talk laundry stains and lunchbox styles, lol.

 

 

 

[maize]

If I worked the kind of hours that dh does then I could understand why someone wouldn't make their dh's lunch or do his laundry, but the fact of the matter is that he works *way* longer hours than I do. Why on earth wouldn't I do everything I could to ensure that the time he does have at home can be spent with family instead of doing household chores?

I agree with you, balance plays into things.

 

As a homeschooling mom with a houseful of littles, I work nonstop. Pretty much every moment I am not sleeping, and on top of that my sleep is interrupted multiple times every night. I would be more than happy to make lunches for my husband, in my mind serving one another is what families do--but I have absolutely zero margin in my life as is.

 

dh's bread winning job comes nowhere close to the number of hours I put in at home.

[LucyStoner]

...edited because this is becoming more than I'm willing to participate in...

 

He's actually, in my eyes, a selfless hero - not an idiot or whatever.

 

And I am trying to carefully not make this an argument. I was simply asking for some advice - I apologize for stirring up anything but my intention was to get another woman's perspective on something that matters - to me. I hope my response will not be taken as an argument as that is not at all my intent.

 

Forgiveness requested for my offense, it was sincerely unintentional.

You didn't do anything wrong. That some people read a lot into your post is on them, not you.

[LucyStoner]

As for lunch box styles, my dude is prone to lose stuff so I've always stuck with no lunch box. There are some neat bento boxes and also small coolers that I might consider if I thought I would ever see them again. Not making fun of my husband. He has ADD and it is a fact that the more things he has to lose, the more things he will losE. ;)

 

What sort of workplace does he go to?

[maize]

OP, I don't think there was anything wrong with your original question. Threads tend to take on a life of there own with many different perspectives around here; it is hard not to read into someone else's post aspects of our own lives :)

 

I bought a zippered cooler style bag for my husband similar to what someone posted up thread, but it doesn't get used much--he's perfectly happy taking his lunch in a plastic grocery store bag.

 

In my own marriage, we've spent years barely keeping our noses above water with hardly time to remember we are husband and wife and not just mom and dad. Mostly that just feels like the nature of life with a bunch of small children--they're pretty all-consuming when it comes to time and energy! We finally have a child old enough to babysit, which gives us a bit of freedom for things like just taking a walk together :)

[marbel]

I agree with you, balance plays into things.

 

As a homeschooling mom with a houseful of littles, I work nonstop. Pretty much every moment I am not sleeping, and on top of that my sleep is interrupted multiple times every night. I would be more than happy to make lunches for my husband, in my mind serving one another is what families do--but I have absolutely zero margin in my life as is.

 

dh's bread winning job comes nowhere close to the number of hours I put in at home.

 

This is why it's so important for spouses to be together on things like this and not try to keep to rigid roles or divisions of labor all through the marriage.  I only have two kids, but I was overwhelmed at times!  During those years my husband bought lunch at work.   It was easy because he had access to a company-subsidized cafeteria, so lunches were cheap.  But it would have been a burden to me during some of those early years to make his lunch. Later, when I had more margin, and the cheap lunches were gone, things changed... and now I pack the lunches.   :-)   He is not picky, so it's not too hard.  The only time he ever came close to complaining was the time I accidentally put a dead fish in his lunch. 

 

(We had a beta that died. It was winter, so we put him on ice till we could give it a proper burial.  It was wrapped in a paper towel and enclosed in a sandwich bag.  I guess it fell out of the freezer, and I put it in the lunchbox thinking that it was just a plain napkin. I must have been busy because I didn't wonder why the napkin was in a sandwich bag... my own distractedness, I guess. My husband and his coworkers got a good laugh out of it.  :lol: )

 

Edited May 7, 2016 by marbel

[maize]

LOL at the fish story!

[busymama7]

Oh my gosh! I thought we had a crazy dead pet fish story. That one takes the cake 😂😂😂

[marbel]

marbel, I'm curious whether he ate the rest of the lunch. I think after finding a dead pet fish in my bag I'd have to toss the whole thing. Or risk tossing my cookies.

 

Oh yeah.  He is not squeamish.  As he reported it, he was like "WTH?  What did I do wrong that she's punishing me for?"  (Which he knows I don't do.)  He recognized the fish, told the guys he was eating with (he happens to work with all guys), wrapped it back up, and ate lunch.  :-) 

 

[KatieJ]

I have not read all the replies, but have a comment on laundry issues.

 

Armpit stains can be caused by your deoderant. My DH and my two sons have eliminated them from their wardrobe by changing deodorants. My sons stopped using gels, and my DH who never used gels, switched at an aluminum free Toms of Maine.

 

I have used Amway detergents for decades and have never had issues with collars. I would go for a good quality detergent and add enzymes to the shirt loads.

You can soak armpit stained shirts in enzymes like oxi clean.

Costco undershirts are great.

[IfIOnly]

I'm gonna pass on commenting on the other issues raised in this thread :) but I did want to update...

 

 

As to the dirty shirts - I may have it solved. I went to a cleaning supply store a few days ago and the manager said the chlorine in the bleach is reacting with the iron in our water.

 

It's a matter of well water and chlorine bleach reacting with the sweat stains already in the fabric. I've noticed our white towels have it too.

I'll try some non-chlorine bleach and oxyclean instead of the other bleach we've been using.

We don't have well water, but when I stopped using bleach on DH t-shirts, the armpit staining went away. Doing a cycle on cold and then and one on hot gets them super clean with virtually no need for oxy clean or similar product.

[Valley Girl]

Different things work for different couples. I make my DH's work lunch every morning. I enjoy doing that for him. I make a take-along breakfast, too, if he wants it. He keeps the gas tank of the car filled so I don't have stop and do it. He also handles cleaning up the dog poop in the yard. I figure Ihave the better end of that arrangement. The key is that we do things for each other. The OP wanting to know what she can do for her DH doesn't mean he's not being similarly thoughtful of her.

[Danestress]

My husband would say, "Lots and lots of tea." If I spent too much time on tea and the undershirts weren't getting attention, he could live with that.

 

But I have found that soaking undershirts in very hot water with oxyy/clean really helps.