selfish to homeschool?

[bibiche]

A friend who teaches at Andover asked why we don't consider sending DS there rather than homeschooling the high school years. My first reaction was to dismiss the idea entirely, but now I am wondering if this might not be selfish. I love homeschooling because I love spending time with my child and tailoring his education to his needs, but there are some things I just can't do.

 

Would it be selfish to homeschool if he had the opportunity to go to an excellent prep school? Right now we cobble together an education with mostly outsourced classes and would continue to do so 9-12, just adding more college courses. The universities are very good, four year schools, not local community colleges (though I certainly don't discount local community colleges).

 

I personally hated the moneyed, entitled atmosphere at prep school and definitely don't want DS to have to deal with that, but my friend tells me that while that exists, there is much more diversity now than there used to be. Also, if he got in, he would not board - that I could not deal with! We would relocate.

 

Any thoughts?

[Lucy the Valiant]

A friend who teaches at Andover asked why we don't consider sending DS there rather than homeschooling the high school years. My first reaction was to dismiss the idea entirely, but now I am wondering if this might not be selfish. I love homeschooling because I love spending time with my child and tailoring his education to his needs, but there are some things I just can't do.

 

Would it be selfish to homeschool if he had the opportunity to go to an excellent prep school? Right now we cobble together an education with mostly outsourced classes and would continue to do so 9-12, just adding more college courses. The universities are very good, four year schools, not local community colleges (though I certainly don't discount local community colleges).

 

I personally hated the moneyed, entitled atmosphere at prep school and definitely don't want DS to have to deal with that, but my friend tells me that while that exists, there is much more diversity now than there used to be. Also, if he got in, he would not board - that I could not deal with! We would relocate.

 

Any thoughts?

 

This is a valid and completely unselfish reason to home school. $.02

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

What does he want to do?  I'd only consider it selfish if HE had his heart set on that and it was doable for you. Although I still think it's ok to decide for him otherwise. I just don't think it's fair in general to say you are selfish just because you won't do what your friend suggests.  Not really her business. 

[Mike in SA]

They're your kids, you know them, and you choose the best path for them.  Period.

[MASHomeschooler]

I don't think it's selfish to homeschool, assuming you consider all the pros and cons (both from your perspective and your son's). In that situation, I would take the kid to check it out, ask your friend more about the things that concern you and the things you think would be better there, discuss the pros and cons with your son and any co-parents, and make a joint informed decision.

[tm919]

This is a valid and completely unselfish reason to home school. $.02

Agree, sort of - this is part of the reason I decided not to have my children apply to the local super-expensive private school, and I hear the same from other parents who could barely afford the almost $35,000 + (starting in K and increasing each year) price tag. I don't know your financial situation  -- but for us, if my children had gone, I suspect they would have been the children from the MOST modest means there. But there is a huge difference  between any old super-expensive private school and Andover, so if your son really wants it and can make a good argument for why it is a good fit for him, I would consider it.

[mathnerd]

I personally hated the moneyed, entitled atmosphere at prep school and definitely don't want DS to have to deal with that, but my friend tells me that while that exists, there is much more diversity now than there used to be. Also, if he got in, he would not board - that I could not deal with! We would relocate.

 

 

To answer your original question, I don't think that it is selfish to homeschool and on the other hand, I have nothing against elite prep schools either (except the price tag :) )

 

As your friend said, there is a lot of diversity in prep schools - locally, the elite ones have quotas for various kinds of applicants (including kids of teachers, staff members, economically disadvantaged, achievers in sports, racial diversity etc.) I am sure that your son will not be surrounded only by the moneyed, entitled types. I have toured and shadowed classes in local elite schools and am sure of that.

 

If going to Andover is doable (money and logistics) and if you son desires it, and if you think that the education that he would receive at Andover is superior to what you are providing, then, do consider it. A good start would be to participate in their shadowing days - your son can attend for a day and get to know what Andover feels like - and attend their applicant information sessions. Since your friend works there, she could be a source of more information.

Edited April 11, 2016 by mathnerd

[madteaparty]

I think a great many people homeschool for selfish reasons, mainly because they need a reason for their own existence. I find it is important to be honest with oneself early and often. Sometimes I do not like what I see when I take a periodic look at my own motivations, and adjust accordingly.

That said, in my view, not wanting to be in the sort of atmosphere you describe is very much a valid reason to HS. It's one of my own, anyway,one of the examined ones ;)

[TerriM]

I personally hated the moneyed, entitled atmosphere at prep school and definitely don't want DS to have to deal with that, but my friend tells me that while that exists, there is much more diversity now than there used to be. Also, if he got in, he would not board - that I could not deal with! We would relocate.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I went to a private HS like this, but there were also kids on financial aid doing work-hours, middle class kids, and some very nice regular kids who I don't know their financial background and never asked.  It took a while to find my group, but I think girls can be a lot more cliquish than boys, and that made it harder for me.   While I don't go to the school reunions, I would not hesitate to send my own kids there if I were living where I grew up, because the teachers were awesome, the opportunities were awesome, and the school went the extra mile to meet my needs.

 

I honestly think parents are much more sensitive to other parents' finances than the kids are--my mother knew which people lived in the expensive neighborhoods and who owned companies, and *she* was the one telling *me* when people were wealthy.  I honestly never knew, I just knew the people who dressed well, and I knew I didn't which is my mom's fault--her taste in clothing was awful, and when I finally was able to drive, I went shopping alone and did a much better job at fitting in (in fact, I had a good smile when I and one of the  popular girls both came in wearing the same sweater on the same day and I knew I'd gotten something right (and it wasn't even that expensive! :) ).   I did know one kid doing work-hours who was embarrassed by it, and I respect that it was hard for him to be visibly on campus having to do gardening work for his financial aid.

 

I think the first question is affordability--can you afford to send him there?  I second your feeling that you should not send your kid to a boarding school unless absolutely necessary.   But I would try to step back and evaluate the opportunities analytically.

[TerriM]

PS:  Sometimes it's hard for us as moms to let go of our teenage sons.  Even changing schools this year to one where I can't volunteer and where my son has to commute to, I've realized that he has grown a lot and I am not as much a part of his life--he has friends who I don't know, and experiences that I'm not a part of.  Yet, I think we're just as much friends as before, he's just more mature, and I really enjoy the person he's become.   I imagine that the transition from homeschool to B&M school is like the transition when a kid goes off to college.  So if you're feeling that separation anxiety/sadness, I totally understand, but yes, you've got to separate that from your decision about what's best for him.

Edited April 11, 2016 by tiuzzol2

[Arcadia]

Both my boys want B&M classes. It would be selfish in my case to keep them home since we could afford the classes.

 

However they haven't tour any high school that they really want to go to. So it looks like four years of dual enrollment for us.

 

I'd only consider it selfish if HE had his heart set on that and it was doable for you.

I agree. Edited April 11, 2016 by Arcadia

[Woodland Mist Academy]

Both my boys want B&M classes. It would be selfish in my case to keep them home since we could afford the classes. 

 

This is similar to my situation. My dd prefers a mix of mostly outsourced classes. It is a solid educational path that we can afford. To not let her do what feels right to her because it goes against the homeschool high school plan I've been dreaming of since she was a toddler would be selfish.

(I do allow myself the occasional pity party.  :nopity: )

 

If she wanted to continue with rigorous home-grown classes, it wouldn't be selfish to do so. 

 

Whether or not it's selfish to homeschool depends on the situation.

 

ETA: At various points we've considered public, private, and boarding schools. If at any time they had seemed a better solution, we would have done it. Good luck to all those making decisions!

Edited April 11, 2016 by Woodland Mist Academy

[ikslo]

I was a day student at a boarding school in NE, and if my son wanted to attend a similar school and I could afford it, I would send him.   I love homeschooling, but it is not the only valid educational option.

[regentrude]

If the only reason for homeschooling is that it fulfills your deep seated need, then it would be selfish.

 

If you have other reasons for homeschooling that put the child's best interest first (or considers the financial reality of not being able to afford a fancy prep school, and hsing is superior to the school you can afford), then it is not.

 

My DD would have thrived at a challenging school and would probably have preferred attending one, and I would have sent her, had we had that option. Alas, we didn't, so hs was the best we could do.

OTOH, some of these prep high schools are absolutely crazy in what they demand; knowing what I know from some of her fellow college students about their private prep high schools, I would refuse to send my kid to certain of these schools because I consider them unhealthy. I do not know anything about Andover specifically to have an opinion.

Edited April 11, 2016 by regentrude

[LisaKinVA]

As someone who is mired in the mess that is college research, writing course descriptions, working on transcripts, writing syllabi, filling out NCAA course worksheets -- I'm not doing this for myself!  Lord have mercy.  Homeschooling high school has to be the most stressful season of life -- because it all counts.  It's not like when your child is in 2nd grade and you don't quite make it through half the book in science -- there are much higher standards we're striving for.

 

I will say that I am grateful for the partnership we have with the DoD school here.  It is wonderful to be able to allow my kids to take AP Physics 1 and not have to worry about it, or German 3, or Italian 3, or Drama, or Architectural Design...freeing.  But, I still have the other 6 subjects :D

 

Homeschooling high school is not taking the easy path (okay, I do love the less rigid schedule -- but the forms, research, etc. is for the birds!)

[Legomom]

How difficult would relocating be for all of you?  In my own situation, I have contemplated moving for better educational opportunities for my teens, but when I really think about the logistics and upheaval, it isn't worth it for us.  Of course that may be different in your situation, but if it would be difficult to relocate, I don't think that it is selfish not to do so (I agree with not sending him for the boarding school portion).  In our case, we have family, business etc that could be worked around, but it would be a lot of work to do so and we would be in a less satisfactory situation overall. 

 

Also, last year we were in somewhat of a reverse situation. I wanted my teens to have the opportunity of trying the local prep school so they participated in the shadowing day. I thought that it would be full of great opportunities for them, but they decided not to go. One of my sons was very turned off by his perception of the elitism there, even though it was quite diverse economically. As a teen, I don't think that would have bothered me at all because I would have been focused on the opportunities.  All that to say, there is no predicting teenagers! So letting him shadow a student could be enlighening for all of you.

 

I can sympathize with potentially letting go of dreams for high school. The son who was turned off by elitism has decided to go for dual enrollment at the community college instead. I was really looking forward to spending a few more years with him and had some great curriculum and events planned!!

Edited April 11, 2016 by Legomom

[Janeway]

How much money do you have? I think I heard Andover offers an excellent education, but your child might be on the outs if not uber wealthy. There is more to life than the books. Besides, if your friend who teaches there is so critical, would that be typical of the teachers? Would your child learn to be judgmental and critical of others too? Most people cannot afford that school and that life, so would you teach your child that life is superior and others are inferior.

[Dmmetler]

My DD wants to apply to a school for 7th grade (age grade) that would require relocation. DH and I would really prefer not to make the move, but have decided to let her be the driving force on the application-we'll write the check and take her to take the tests, but she has to do the paperwork, she has to track down the references and do the application and write the essays, and so on, and meanwhile, we're researching other options. We're still not sure what we'll do if she gets in. I'm kind of hoping that by that point, either she'll have found something she prefers that's more tenable as a family, or we'll be more comfortable with the option. We're going to spend a week looking at neighborhoods while she's doing her summer program in June.

 

So, maybe see what your DS wants, do a tour, and let him be the driving force behind it if he feels Andover is a good fit?

Edited April 11, 2016 by dmmetler

[Mike in SA]

My DD wants to apply to a school for 7th grade (age grade) that would require relocation. DH and I would really prefer not to make the move, but have decided to let her be the driving force on the application-we'll write the check and take her to take the tests, but she has to do the paperwork, she has to track down the references and do the application and write the essays, and so on, and meanwhile, we're researching other options. We're still not sure what we'll do if she gets in. I'm kind of hoping that by that point, either she'll have found something she prefers that's more tenable as a family, or we'll be more comfortable with the option. We're going to spend a week looking at neighborhoods while she's doing her summer program in June.

 

So, maybe see what your DS wants, do a tour, and let him be the driving force behind it if he feels Andover is a good fit?

 

These are hard, hard decisions.  Quality of education obviously plays a big role, but so does quality of life overall. 

 

What we see are kids who long for the world to be different than it is, and hope that they will find a reality that is somehow being withheld.  In these cases, following the whim of the child is not necessarily wise.  Our experience tells us what is really right in these cases, and we simply have to look to make the best we can of the reality.

 

If quality of education is likely to be the same or better in the school, well, that's where the child's desires start to matter more.  Are we holding the child back?  Then it's time to think long and hard about what is important.

 

To be completely honest, we're wrestling with this at home, too.  We have a child who desperately wants to find others like him, and thinks he might at an advanced charter.  After a weekend trip to the physics festival @ Texas A&M, we've just been reminded what other kids like him really look like.  The charter would hold him back.  If we want him to have the opportunities he seeks, we need to choose a homeschool path at least through middle school ages.  It would be selfish not to do so.  And, yet, human nature compels him to seek others like him, and we listen and consider, though we know full well that the cause is already lost.

[Woodland Mist Academy]

I find it is important to be honest with oneself early and often. Sometimes I do not like what I see when I take a periodic look at my own motivations, and adjust accordingly.

 

This is a good point. Sometimes it's really hard to tease out motivations.

 

Homeschooling is definitely easier for some than sending their children to school would have been. For others, the reverse is true. Much depends on the circumstances and personalities involved. Homeschooling high school is not universally easier or more difficult than sending teens to the local school.

 

The fact that homeschooling is harder or easier doesn't make it selfish or selfless. Some people get involved in activities because they are difficult. It gives them a feeling of purpose, a sense of being needed, a reason to ask for attention, etc. Some people enjoy being martyrs, regardless of how it affects others involved in the situation. 

 

Obviously, that's not always the case. That doesn't mean it never is.

[bibiche]

I was a day student at a boarding school in NE, and if my son wanted to attend a similar school and I could afford it, I would send him.   I love homeschooling, but it is not the only valid educational option.

DS shuts down the idea of school immediately - he loves what he is doing now.  But it is still a few years away, and he could be persuaded. I am just pondering the possibility at the moment and trying to figure out what I am willing to do/compromise to provide him with the best possible education.

 

If the only reason for homeschooling is that it fulfills your deep seated need, then it would be selfish.

 

If you have other reasons for homeschooling that put the child's best interest first (or considers the financial reality of not being able to afford a fancy prep school, and hsing is superior to the school you can afford), then it is not.

 

My DD would have thrived at a challenging school and would probably have preferred attending one, and I would have sent her, had we had that option. Alas, we didn't, so hs was the best we could do.

OTOH, some of these prep high schools are absolutely crazy in what they demand; knowing what I know from some of her fellow college students about their private prep high schools, I would refuse to send my kid to certain of these schools because I consider them unhealthy. I do not know anything about Andover specifically to have an opinion.

I want the best education for him, but no matter how diverse these schools become, there is still a lot of that 1% elitist bs wafting around them. That is what I don't want him exposed to (although he is very grounded and I don't worry about him becoming like that).   

 

And I do worry about how healthy the academic pressure would be. I thought of you especially when I read the review of Andover by a recent graduate who is now at UChicago and who said that the workload at Chicago is a piece of cake compared to Andover!  I am pretty sure I remember reading that your daughter has a crushing workload. 

 

How much money do you have? I think I heard Andover offers an excellent education, but your child might be on the outs if not uber wealthy. There is more to life than the books. Besides, if your friend who teaches there is so critical, would that be typical of the teachers? Would your child learn to be judgmental and critical of others too? Most people cannot afford that school and that life, so would you teach your child that life is superior and others are inferior.

My friend is not at all critical of homeschooling and is probably the least judgmental person I know. I don't know where you got the idea that he was awful.  He is just very enthusiastic about his school and the opportunities available to the students there.  For better or for worse, these schools do turn out the movers and the shakers and there is certainly entitlement and elitism there. This is what I am trying to figure out - at what cost a superior academic education?

Edited April 12, 2016 by bibiche

[Guest2]

I think you have your answer already, OP. "At what cost a superior education?" Only you could answer that question for your family. I personally think that for my family,the high school years were/are the vital in all areas of development, not only accademic areas. Who is going to put forth more effort to make that happen than you? Good luck whatever you decide.

[regentrude]

And I do worry about how healthy the academic pressure would be. I thought of you especially when I read the review of Andover by a recent graduate who is now at UChicago and who said that the workload at Chicago is a piece of cake compared to Andover!  I am pretty sure I remember reading that your daughter has a crushing workload.

 

She does indeed have a crushing work load. One of her friends attended a high pressure very prestigious prep high school. He says he is used to not having time to sleep because it is just like high school and is actually not happy about his high school experience. Another fellow student there, however, from the same high school, has a very positive view of his high school experience and felt it prepared him well- so personal perception definitely varies and colors the student's opinion.

 

Talking with her about her friend's experience, I know that this would be something I would not inflict on a high school student. College for a young adult - yes, even though one has to be careful weighing the cost. High school? Nope. Not even if that opens the doors to the Ivies. I realize that other families have different goals.

[Arcadia]

I want the best education for him, but no matter how diverse these schools become, there is still a lot of that 1% elitist bs wafting around them. That is what I don't want him exposed to

I think people with elitist attitudes are everywhere, not just in elite college prep schools.

 

I do think now is a good time to research on dual enrollment options, summer youth internship opportunities in his area of interests and whatever other opportunities are out there for your son. Doesn't have to be a college prep school to receive a superior education. Also does he prefer to be a big fish in a big pond, or a big fish in a small pond.

 

ETA:

Also if he is a workaholic, is he a workaholic who would overwork or a workaholic who can't do well without a heavy workload.

Edited April 13, 2016 by Arcadia

[Janeway]

My DD wants to apply to a school for 7th grade (age grade) that would require relocation. DH and I would really prefer not to make the move, but have decided to let her be the driving force on the application-we'll write the check and take her to take the tests, but she has to do the paperwork, she has to track down the references and do the application and write the essays, and so on, and meanwhile, we're researching other options. We're still not sure what we'll do if she gets in. I'm kind of hoping that by that point, either she'll have found something she prefers that's more tenable as a family, or we'll be more comfortable with the option. We're going to spend a week looking at neighborhoods while she's doing her summer program in June.

 

So, maybe see what your DS wants, do a tour, and let him be the driving force behind it if he feels Andover is a good fit?

My understanding is though, the son is not asking to go to Andover, it is just the friend making the remarks. From my experience, "friends" making remarks like to kids can also get the kids going and thinking there is something they are missing. I would not change my ways to appease a "friend."

[bibiche]

My understanding is though, the son is not asking to go to Andover, it is just the friend making the remarks. From my experience, "friends" making remarks like to kids can also get the kids going and thinking there is something they are missing. I would not change my ways to appease a "friend."

Just to clarify, we saw our friend at a professional conference (in addition to being a brilliant teacher he is also a respected scholar) and he, impressed with where DS is because of homeschooling, recommended his school to ME. He didn't abscond with DS to a darkened hall in the conference hotel to smoke Andover crack with him. He mentioned it to me, and I mentioned it to DS.

 

 

Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate hearing different views and particularly those of parents who are also considering other options for their children.

[TerriM]

My friend is not at all critical of homeschooling and is probably the least judgmental person I know. I don't know where you got the idea that he was awful.  He is just very enthusiastic about his school and the opportunities available to the students there.  For better or for worse, these schools do turn out the movers and the shakers and there is certainly entitlement and elitism there. This is what I am trying to figure out - at what cost a superior academic education?

 

The fact that your friend recommends the school is a good thing.

 

 

One thing to think about is that sending a kid to a school where they are around "the elite" helps them to see "the elite" as normal human beings.  I feel like all of my B&M educational experiences have helped me to see others as normal people like me (including knowing that doctors and lawyers are people who make mistakes just like me, don't always get good grades, and were goofing around on weekends during college).  I honestly think that may be better than viewing "the elite" as this untouchable other group that you can't/don't interact with.  Yes, kids can be snobby jerks.  Yes, some families take expensive vacations and live in expensive house, but that doesn't mean that your son can't be friends with these kids who are real people with real needs, real problems, and real families.  If you or he look at Andover as full of undesirable kids, I think it's not being open and welcoming to these kids who may be loving and caring and seek to be considered normal people just like your son.  Yes, that said, there will be some jerks and some bullies.  But I think that's true of most schools.

 

Treat them with respect, and you will be treated with respect.

Treat them as normal, and you will be treated as normal.

Edited April 15, 2016 by tiuzzol2

[mathnerd]

Yes, that said, there will be some jerks and some bullies.  But I think that's true of most schools.

 

:iagree:  There are all kinds of kids in schools. There will be nice kids and jerks in PS as well. In my area, there are super rich and entitled kids in PS as well (SF Bay Area). All rich kids are not "entitled" trust fund kids. If Andover was doable for my family, we would consider it.

[chiguirre]

Andover's day school tuition is almost $40,000/year. Only 47% of students receive aid. The average award package still leaves a $10,000 gap. Only 13% of students receive full tuition.

 

More than half the kids come from families that can pay at least $40,000/year (plus $10,000 room and board). This is simply not a broad cross section of society. If you can afford that, rock on! If you can't, I'd carefully consider what the social life is like on a campus with these demographics.

 

(Curtis Sittenfeld's book, Prep, might be a good read. It's a window into the prep school world and what it's like to be the scholarship kid.)

[madteaparty]

Just to clarify, we saw our friend at a professional conference (in addition to being a brilliant teacher he is also a respected scholar) and he, impressed with where DS is because of homeschooling, recommended his school to ME. He didn't abscond with DS to a darkened hall in the conference hotel to smoke Andover crack with him. He mentioned it to me, and I mentioned it to DS.

 

 

Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate hearing different views and particularly those of parents who are also considering other options for their children.

He is waiting to smoke the crack after admission. That's all they do at those schools, don't you know ? ;)

On a serious note, I would not even consider the boarding school at all. And I don't shelter my kids, I did send my 11 year old off to France for months at a time. I've read a ton about the culture and I just don't think having kids have that much indipendence when their decision making abilities are still very much developing is something I would happily choose. Did you see that most recent article in Vanity Fair?

The day school, being invited by a current teacher, that you respect, would merit some thought...

Edited April 16, 2016 by madteaparty

[TerriM]

I agree that boarding schools should only be considered if absolutely necessary.  I do have a friend who went to a boarding school who has no regrets at all, but he understood that it was literally his only option for a good education 20 years ago in Louisiana where his local options were the worst schools in the country and his parents couldn't move because of their jobs.  

 

Where there are local options that are 90% as good, be it homeschooling or B&M, go local.