I'm so blue, I'm so blue I don't know what to do . . .

[CalicoKat]

yesterday was a very emotional day. Our foster son't adoption is imminent (yeah!), but then we find out that the 7 yo sibling's foster parents report he wants the no contact order revoked so he can visit with his sibs (my kids) that he's never seen before in their entire lives. The order was in place because of his violent behaviour--but evidently he's only violent towards adults and he's not likely to act out during a supervised visit.

 

Post adoption these visits don't have to continue. So theoritically if they get the paperwork done ASAP then dfs will only have 1 visit and dfd will maybe have 3-4 visits.

 

GAL, caseworkers, etc. all agree that this would be only for the 7yo's benefits only. My kids won't remember it. My son vomited during the last fam. visit. He wasn't sick before or after so we've assumed it was emotions. He hasn't had another visit since then so we can't say for sure. It would be the same people picking up, supervising, in the same location as before if there are sib. visitations.

 

I spoke with the GAL and I got the impression that she thinks I'm naive about adoptions and keeping sibling relationships going. I know that they didn't get a say in the situation, I know that if they'd had a previous relationship that this was very important. BUT it isn't that!

 

Oh, did I mention that the 7yo is in RELATIVE foster care. I've been reassured that it isn't an effort on the family's part to get our contact information which has previoulsy been withheld on account of the family's unsavory/violent/mentally ill/substancing abusing characters. Never mind we've been told to call 911 if they ever should happen come to the door!

 

I have to go to court on Monday to talk with the judge. I'm not good at public speaking.

 

Then my sister calls and proceeds to tell me that my kid's issues are because they never get a break from me. "I'm a b*tch," and my kids hate being around me.

 

The cat wouldn't come in and there's a very real concern she'd be coyote bait.

 

The baby woke up soaked and poopy.

 

My coffee beans were missing and the water wouldn't boil.

 

I'm never going to be able to just parent my kids without having to worry about them bonding, adjusting, and dealing with their adoptions. It's not enough to just love them, provide a decent/safe/loving home for them. It's always going to be looking over my shoulder and responding to the new adoption fads. I am pouring my energy and time into these kids and when they're 18 or so they're going to run off and find their birth families. In these moments I feel like a glorified babysitter, a place holder, an intermin location, etc. And in the end it will be, "gee thanks! You did a great job. Bye."

 

 

whine, whine, whine. . .. if you mad it this far in reading you're very brave. I guess I need some more coffee and a shower.

Edited October 1, 2008 by CalicoKat

[Miss Peregrine]

:grouphug:

 

I will be thinking of you on Monday.

[Doran]

yesterday was a very emotional day. Our foster son't adoption is imminent (yeah!), but then we find out that the 7 yo sibling's foster parents report he wants the no contact order revoked so he can visit with his sibs (my kids) that he's never seen before in their entire lives. The order was in place because of his violent behaviour--but evidently he's only violent towards adults and he's not likely to act out during a supervised visit.

 

Post adoption these visits don't have to continue. So theoritically if they get the paperwork done ASAP then dfs will only have 1 visit and dfd will maybe have 3-4 visits.

 

GAL, caseworkers, etc. all agree that this would be only for the 7yo's benefits only. My kids won't remember it. My son vomited during the last fam. visit. He wasn't sick before or after so we've assumed it was emotions. He hasn't had another visit since then so we can't say for sure. It would be the same people picking up, supervising, in the same location as before if there are sib. visitations.

 

I spoke with the GAL and I got the impression that she thinks I'm naive about adoptions and keeping sibling relationships going. I know that they didn't get a say in the situation, I know that if they'd had a previous relationship that this was very important. BUT it isn't that!

 

Oh, did I mention that the 7yo is in RELATIVE foster care. I've been reassured that it isn't an effort on the family's part to get our contact information which has previoulsy been withheld on account of the family's unsavory/violent/mentally ill/substancing abusing characters. Never mind we've been told to call 911 if they ever should happen come to the door!

 

I have to go to court on Monday to talk with the judge. I'm not good at public speaking.

 

Then my sister calls and proceeds to tell me that my kid's issues are because they never get a break from me. "I'm a b*tch," and my kids hate being around me.

 

The cat wouldn't come in and there's a very real concern she'd be coyote bait.

 

The baby woke up soaked and poopy.

 

My coffee beans were missing and the water wouldn't boil.

 

What's a gal to do.

 

 

 

Why -- you already KNOW what to do...you come here so we can tell you how much we sympathize, and how sorry we are.

 

Truly, I am. That sounds like a very tricky situation, though I have no experience in fostering. I commend you for all that you do and give in order to provide stability for your soon to be adoptive son. Wishing you peace. Oh, and ask your sister who peed in her cornflakes. :tongue_smilie:

[ma23peas]

You need to have your statements written out and rehearsed for the judge...do not leave the judge wishing you'd said this or that..have a list of points you'd like to cover and anticipate any questions...do your best to come from a position of protection for your family and his.

 

I do believe that siblings should have a connection, and in my eyes, a 7 year old may be hoping that one day he can be adopted by you too and escape the turmoil he's in....or if it's complete posturing on the part of his foster relatives...I certainly question their motives...and I would want to find out from the DFS or whoever is their caseworker the intent...I think you have a right to discuss this with their caseworker...

 

No time to be blue...get proactive and be prepared...don't let these events rule you, you rule the events!

 

Tara

[sleepy]

Oh, dear. :grouphug: You'll be in my thoughts on Monday.

[CalicoKat]

You need to have your statements written out and rehearsed for the judge...do not leave the judge wishing you'd said this or that..have a list of points you'd like to cover and anticipate any questions...do your best to come from a position of protection for your family and his.

 

I do believe that siblings should have a connection, and in my eyes, a 7 year old may be hoping that one day he can be adopted by you too and escape the turmoil he's in....or if it's complete posturing on the part of his foster relatives...I certainly question their motives...and I would want to find out from the DFS or whoever is their caseworker the intent...I think you have a right to discuss this with their caseworker...

 

No time to be blue...get proactive and be prepared...don't let these events rule you, you rule the events!

 

Tara

Ya know he probably is hoping to be adopted by us too. We were asked to foster him by DCFS, but our caseworkers warned us off as he was threatening to kill his current foster family in their sleep with a knife!

 

And we very firmly believe in not disrupting our birth/arrival order. So it wouldn't have happened regardless.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug: Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

[mysticamethyst]

I am sorry you are dealing with this kind of crud. As far as your sister goes, I would avoid her for a while, of course you can't cut out of your life but you just dont' need the extra stress she seems to want to bring to the table. I hope that you are able to find some peace today and take time to write down what you want the judge to know so if you do lose your composure you can hand them to him/her to finish reading. :grouphug:

[sweetTN]

You are in our prayers:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Definitely praying for you.

 

Can't you have the visits at the agency office? Can you insist that your contact information remain private?

 

I agree about bringing notes in for your opportunity to talk to the judge.

 

I am sorry about the GAL and the rest of the team. They just don't get it, do they?

 

:grouphug:

[Starr]

I agree with writing everything out. It gives you a chance to edit and make your thoughts clear. If you are nervous you can read it to the judge. Ask for what you think is best for your child! Praying for you.

[Kanga]

:grouphug: I will be praying!

[CalicoKat]

Definitely praying for you.

 

Can't you have the visits at the agency office? Can you insist that your contact information remain private?

 

I agree about bringing notes in for your opportunity to talk to the judge.

 

I am sorry about the GAL and the rest of the team. They just don't get it, do they?

 

:grouphug:

The visits would be at the office where they did the bm's visits. They all have heard over and over how we want our information to be confidential--this was supposed to be true with our 3 previous adoptions but somehow it slips. I know maiden names, addresses, married names, family addresses, birthdays, SSN's for most of our other 3 kids immediate birth family members.

[Harriet Vane]

The visits would be at the office where they did the bm's visits. They all have heard over and over how we want our information to be confidential--this was supposed to be true with our 3 previous adoptions but somehow it slips. I know maiden names, addresses, married names, family addresses, birthdays, SSN's for most of our other 3 kids immediate birth family members.

 

" . . . somehow it slips . . ."

 

That phrase just about sums it up, doesn't it?

 

All you can do is repeat, repeat, repeat, both verbally and in writing.

 

They have not yet given out your information, right? I will pray that your home remains secret and safe. And I pray that the adoption whizzes right through so you don't have to deal with this nonsense anymore.

[CalicoKat]

" . . . somehow it slips . . ."

 

That phrase just about sums it up, doesn't it?

 

All you can do is repeat, repeat, repeat, both verbally and in writing.

 

They have not yet given out your information, right? I will pray that your home remains secret and safe. And I pray that the adoption whizzes right through so you don't have to deal with this nonsense anymore.

 

Supposedly it's still confidential. I think it is because we get stacks of letters from bm (in jail) begging for our information and sending us her's, her mom's, etc.

 

We will always have a BIG, intimidating dog around while the kids are home for this very reason. Love, love her big bark.

[Sparkle]

Thinking of you with sympathy. You are a hero in my book. :grouphug:

[CalicoKat]

"NO Contact, means NO Contact" The judge agreed, "The No Contact order will not be lifted and any further contact post adoption will be left to the discretion of his parents (that's us!)." This is entered into both dfs and dfd's files.

 

She also agreed that it is unlikely the 7 yo made requested to see siblings he doesn't know about and has never met. She agreed that it was likely yet another attempt by the birth family to get our contact information. I was the only one to bring this up--despite the GAL and Caseworkers disagreement that this was an issue.

 

Thank you to everyone for their suggestions. I went alone because Dh's was unable due to work. I spoke to the judge directly and didn't faint or gibber nonsensically. I read my statement. The judge thanked me 3 different times for appearing in court today and for letting her know our thoughts about the oder.

 

Further -- she wants DFS adoption to happen on or before 10/31. And dfd's birthfather is scheduld to be TPR'd on 11/17.

 

Progress.

 

I feel like a parent again and not a glorified babysitter today.

[Harriet Vane]

I'm so glad the judge was so affirming! AND I'm so glad his affirmation is a part of the legal record.

 

Thanks for the update.

[PariSarah]

I feel like a parent again and not a glorified babysitter today.

 

You're a wonderful Mom to your dear babies! :grouphug:

 

ETA: And if your sister needs to understand what it really feels like to be around a b^tch 24/7, I have some free time coming up someday and could happily give her that little life experience.

[Kanga]

:hurray::hurray::hurray:

 

I am happy that your meeting went so well!

[KidsHappen]

:hurray: You are a great mom and your kids are so lucky to have you.

[CalicoKat]

You're a wonderful Mom to your dear babies! :grouphug:

 

ETA: And if your sister needs to understand what it really feels like to be around a b^tch 24/7, I have some free time coming up someday and could happily give her that little life experience.

:D:lol:

 

:auto: I'll drive her over. Do you live near Indianapolis?

[mysticamethyst]

I am so glad things worked out for your family. That is really fabulous news.:party::party::party:

[lovemyboys]

"NO Contact, means NO Contact" The judge agreed, "The No Contact order will not be lifted and any further contact post adoption will be left to the discretion of his parents (that's us!)." This is entered into both dfs and dfd's files.

 

She also agreed that it is unlikely the 7 yo made requested to see siblings he doesn't know about and has never met. She agreed that it was likely yet another attempt by the birth family to get our contact information. I was the only one to bring this up--despite the GAL and Caseworkers disagreement that this was an issue.

 

Thank you to everyone for their suggestions. I went alone because Dh's was unable due to work. I spoke to the judge directly and didn't faint or gibber nonsensically. I read my statement. The judge thanked me 3 different times for appearing in court today and for letting her know our thoughts about the oder.

 

Further -- she wants DFS adoption to happen on or before 10/31. And dfd's birthfather is scheduld to be TPR'd on 11/17.

 

Progress.

 

I feel like a parent again and not a glorified babysitter today.

 

:D:grouphug::D Yeah!!! (Can't do all the fancy smilies.)

 

So happy to see this for you, and glad you feel good too. Way to go, of course we're all proud that you handled it so beautifully. Great news.

[Denise in IN]

"NO Contact, means NO Contact" The judge agreed, "The No Contact order will not be lifted and any further contact post adoption will be left to the discretion of his parents (that's us!)." This is entered into both dfs and dfd's files.

 

She also agreed that it is unlikely the 7 yo made requested to see siblings he doesn't know about and has never met. She agreed that it was likely yet another attempt by the birth family to get our contact information. I was the only one to bring this up--despite the GAL and Caseworkers disagreement that this was an issue.

 

Thank you to everyone for their suggestions. I went alone because Dh's was unable due to work. I spoke to the judge directly and didn't faint or gibber nonsensically. I read my statement. The judge thanked me 3 different times for appearing in court today and for letting her know our thoughts about the oder.

 

Further -- she wants DFS adoption to happen on or before 10/31. And dfd's birthfather is scheduld to be TPR'd on 11/17.

 

Progress.

 

I feel like a parent again and not a glorified babysitter today.

 

 

:party: This is such great news! I'm so happy the judge had enough good sense to see the situation clearly. And good for you for speaking on their behalf! You are a great mom for your kids. I hope that the adoptions can be completed soon and without complications!

[Starr]

Yea!!!!

[Tap]

Does the child have a CASA who you can speak with? Have you talked to the child's attorney? Sometimes if you can get one person on your side, then it will be easier to get your point across.

 

I would write out your concerns, and ask for them to be read in court if you can't do it your self.

 

 

 

Good luck,

 

Tap

[PariSarah]

:auto: I'll drive her over. Do you live near Indianapolis?

 

Applying for a job there, though, and I'll let you know if I get it. :tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie: