Update...Would this bother you?

[Scarlett]

 

 

Also my uneasiness with this woman is not that she gave the girl a place to live. It is that she has an unhealthy way of referring to the girl as her own child. Making many comments about her daughter and parenting the child and even now she is doing the same thing with the girls graduation..,,,the girl wasn't going to walk because it is a virtual state program and the walk is in a city about three hours a way. But this woman told me she talked the girl into it.,,"she is only doing it for me." And again she just took over. We have a very loving and involved congregation. MOST of us would have started a conversation about throwing her a graduation party and going in on a cake and organizing something for her. But this woman just took over and controlled the whole thing.

Edited March 10, 2017 by Scarlett

[Harriet Vane]

And I will add that the girl being in this home created a crisis on its own. It put the family under extreme stress because of their being so many males in the home and she was not left alone with any of them. If it had been up to the mom that oversize would not have happend. But the grandfather in the home talked to them about propriety and caution in these situations.

 

The mom even told me she was happy teen girl got her own place because it was exhausting to make sure she was never at the house alone with all the boys and men.

 

I didn't miss the fact of her brother taking her in. 

 

I see the situation differently, for two reasons. One is that I have had extensive personal involvement with many needy teens, with addictions, and with families who did exactly what you described. The other reason I see the situation differently is because I saw how hard it was for my 16yo daughter to uproot. Doing so smack in the middle of high school is really hard.

 

This girl naturally gravitated to the group who loved her. It takes a tremendous amount of emotional work to create a new group in a new location. I don't blame her at all for going where she felt loved.Human beings go where we feel loved and accepted, and girls who feel adrift and parentless are certainly no exception. 

 

You also have no idea how healthy the living arrangement with the brother was, and you have no idea how lonely it might have been. Lonely, not just because brother is not a parent, not just because it's the two of them alone, but also because this girl had to give up her entire support network to live at a distance with him. It is so hard to be sixteen, without real parents. and navigating everything--school, friendships, churches, systems--alone. 

 

Alone. 

 

I can readily concede that your friend didn't think through some important aspects of this. But that's actually okay, because other people did think it through, talked to her, helped her avoid some big pitfalls. It takes a village.

 

It may have been work to supervise adequately, but it's work they willingly embraced. The end result is that this girl has a family in addition to her brother. Their short-term hardship was an incredible gift at a vulnerable time for her. 

[Harriet Vane]

Also my uneasiness with this woman is not that she gave the girl a place to live. It is that she has an unhealthy way of referring to the girl as her own child. Making many comments about her daughter and parenting the child and even now she is doing the same thing with the girls graduation..,,,the girl wasn't going to walk because it is a virtual state program and the walk is in a city about three hours a way. But this woman told me she talked the girl into it.,,"she is only doing it for me." And again she just took over. We have a very loving and involved congregation. MOST of us would have started a conversation about throwing her a graduation party and going in on a cake and organizing something for her. But this woman just took over and controlled the whole thing.

 

 

Re calling her "daughter": It is quite likely that this girl craves that. It is likely that she relishes being part of a family. It is quite common for foster kids or teens from dysfunctional families to create their own families and to refer to unrelated people as "sister" or "brother" or yes, "mother." You may be uncomfortable with the verbiage, but your life and your family cannot be compared to hers. Your friend is effectively parenting this girl and doing her best to fill her aching need. By all appearances, this is something this girl welcomes.

 

There is no comparison to what is appropriate for a healthy family. They are walking a different path than yours, a path that has been filled with pain, chronic anxiety, insecurity at all levels, and a distinct lack of love or relationship in the addicted home. 

 

Re the graduation: It's entirely possible that asking this girl to walk in graduation is a gift. Kids from homes such as hers often do not have Kodak moments. Even if they do participate in ceremonies through school or whatever, while in the dysfunctional home those ceremonies often feel hollow and unhappy. Hollow because no one is celebrating. Hollow because it's often more work to get family to be there or because you have to go alone, without family. Hollow because you may feel hideously embarrassed and prefer not to have family there. Hollow because you don't have decent people to stand with you like all the other "normal" kids. Graduation is a milestone, and this girl may need some re-conditioning to understand how to celebrate a milestone. She may also need some help understanding how different a celebration is when surrounded by people who really love you. I think it's fine to give her some normal milestone hoopla and to ask her to trust that this might be something she would value later on. My guess, again based on long experience, is that this girl will look back on the pictures and appreciate the effort. She will appreciate commemorating the milestone. 

 

Re the party: If you or the congregation would think about the graduation party, then bless you. Because most people don't, even in a supportive community. It's the same phenomena as at big parties, when you think "someone" will keep an eye on the kids, when in reality the kids run wild. It's also the same phenomena experienced by new widows or people struggling with a devastating illness. Lots of people express love, but very few people give more tangible support to those new widows and sick people. It is fact that the real, physical support, tends to dwindle to a very tiny, core group or a few individuals. And frankly, the longer someone is needy, the LESS a group is likely to continue to provide tangible support. The longer the crisis, the less people help. So I have a hard time believing that "someone" would throw her a party. And I think it's lovely that your friend is making sure it happens. 

[ErinE]

I will be the dissenter here.

 

This girl's mom is dating an addict and probably has addiction issues. Girl needed somewhere safer. No question. Addicted boyfriends tend to bring the possibility of abuse or rape for the teenager. Even if those crimes do not occur, living with someone with addictions issues means that every day life has a LOT of ugliness. I know this first hand.

 

I spent many years helping kids and teens, and I have many friends who are foster parents currently. I have several friends who have taken in needy teens or young adults because of the valid, real concern that if a safe place is not provided, the result is often rape, sexual promiscuity, abusive relationships, drugs, or suicide. The fact is that there are lots and lots of kids who need help and who will never "qualify" to get into the system. And the sad fact is that even if they do get help from child services, there are a ton of crazy, dysfunctional foster homes and group settings in which kids are abused. There simply are not enough safe places for kids. 

 

The judgement on this thread leaves me quite saddened. When family fails, we do our best to fill that aching hole. 

 

There really is no comparison between what is right in an addictions situation and what would be fair or right for a healthy family. You cannot apply your feelings about your own son and home to the realities this girl and your friend are trying to address. 

 

I think you should give the benefit of the doubt, because your friend has done what many lack the courage to do. She gave a hurting, needy kid a safe place to live. Human relationships and bonding can be complicated, and your friend is doing her best to figure it out. 

 

I liked this, but I have to agree. There's a lot of judgement going on that I don't see in the OP, other than the OP feels off. I wouldn't distrust that feeling and I'd be wary, but when the OP has also said she could never see herself referring to another non-biological child as her own, I think that's peculiar. If I took in a child in need, I could very much see myself loving that child as much as my own. Parents who adopt do it all the time.

Edited April 2, 2016 by ErinE

[Seeking Squirrels]

Yeah, I don't want to get into a lot of details on a public board. It's not my story to tell. But before it all went down, I would have never believed that it could be so difficult for a parent to force a kid to break off a relationship with an unrelated adult.

 

A friend of mine had something similar happen. It was a relative but not one that should have had legal rights to the children. What should have been a summer visit turned into a two year battle to bring them home.

[Murphy101]

Okay, I don't care how many people there are packed into the house. I understand how people with much smaller families can't grasp being comfortable with it, but such is life in many families. However, it can often be a stress if it is not bc they really want to but circumstances have forced it. Idk why the grandparents and nephew are living there. That might make me inclined to view it differently, more comfortable or more crisis. If you say they aren't in crisis mode - then I have to accept that bc you actually known them and I don't.

 

I agree with Harritt for the most part that giving a place to anyone in need is a virtue to be encouraged. Tho I would encourage her to live with her brother IF he was living a decent life.

 

But where I disagree with her is that this woman is not just trying to help this girl. She is sending flags to me because of her attitude and behavior towards YOUR son, who is NOT a child in crisis needing her rescue and parenting. THAT casts some shadows on her in my opinion and would make me leery of her.

 

Somewhat like if I am at the playground and a kid shows up without a parent, I might step in and say something if I think necessary. But if the mom is right there and I do it? Um no. Not cool. She can parent her own kid and I should step off even if I don't agree with her unless it directly affects my own child or is clearly abuse.

 

This woman wrt to the girl she has taken in? That alone is... Interesting, but not a concern on its own.

Her controlling and manipulative behavior about it and wrt to Scarlett's son? Yeah, that's screwed up and makes a person wonder about what all else is screwed up.

[Scarlett]

I liked this, but I have to agree. There's a lot of judgement going on that I don't see in the OP, other than the OP feels off. I wouldn't distrust that feeling and I'd be wary, but when the OP has also said she could never see herself referring to another non-biological child as her own, I think that's peculiar. If I took in a child in need, I could very much see myself loving that child as much as my own. Parents who adopt do it all the time.

I did not say I couldn't love a non biological child as my own. I said I can't see calling other people's children 'my son or my daughter' and talk about parenting other people's children. She didn't take this girl in until she was 16....so it isn't like they really had years to develop that sort of mother daughter bond. And btw, while I am sure this girl did crave and want a good family to be with I have never one time heard her refer to this woman as her mom, or the husband as dad or the grandparents grandparents or the boys as her brothers. And I have not heard the other family members call her daughter/granddaughter/sister. It is just this mom that seems to be trying hard to make it clear to everyone that this girls is her daughter now. She refers to her as her boys sister.

[Scarlett]

Okay, I don't care how many people there are packed into the house. I understand how people with much smaller families can't grasp being comfortable with it, but such is life in many families. However, it can often be a stress if it is not bc they really want to but circumstances have forced it. Idk why the grandparents and nephew are living there. That might make me inclined to view it differently, more comfortable or more crisis. If you say they aren't in crisis mode - then I have to accept that bc you actually known them and I don't.

 

I agree with Harritt for the most part that giving a place to anyone in need is a virtue to be encouraged. Tho I would encourage her to live with her brother IF he was living a decent life.

 

But where I disagree with her is that this woman is not just trying to help this girl. She is sending flags to me because of her attitude and behavior towards YOUR son, who is NOT a child in crisis needing her rescue and parenting. THAT casts some shadows on her in my opinion and would make me leery of her.

 

Somewhat like if I am at the playground and a kid shows up without a parent, I might step in and say something if I think necessary. But if the mom is right there and I do it? Um no. Not cool. She can parent her own kid and I should step off even if I don't agree with her unless it directly affects my own child or is clearly abuse.

 

This woman wrt to the girl she has taken in? That alone is... Interesting, but not a concern on its own.

Her controlling and manipulative behavior about it and wrt to Scarlett's son? Yeah, that's screwed up and makes a person wonder about what all else is screwed up.

Yes and not to be ignored is the fact that the teen girls bio mom has been a friend to this family for years....she was a friend to all of us until she got herself involved in bad stuff.

 

So,helping the girl....yes. Taking over and saying, "we are your family now". No. Just no.

[Scarlett]

Re calling her "daughter": It is quite likely that this girl craves that. It is likely that she relishes being part of a family. It is quite common for foster kids or teens from dysfunctional families to create their own families and to refer to unrelated people as "sister" or "brother" or yes, "mother." You may be uncomfortable with the verbiage, but your life and your family cannot be compared to hers. Your friend is effectively parenting this girl and doing her best to fill her aching need. By all appearances, this is something this girl welcomes.

 

There is no comparison to what is appropriate for a healthy family. They are walking a different path than yours, a path that has been filled with pain, chronic anxiety, insecurity at all levels, and a distinct lack of love or relationship in the addicted home.

 

Re the graduation: It's entirely possible that asking this girl to walk in graduation is a gift. Kids from homes such as hers often do not have Kodak moments. Even if they do participate in ceremonies through school or whatever, while in the dysfunctional home those ceremonies often feel hollow and unhappy. Hollow because no one is celebrating. Hollow because it's often more work to get family to be there or because you have to go alone, without family. Hollow because you may feel hideously embarrassed and prefer not to have family there. Hollow because you don't have decent people to stand with you like all the other "normal" kids. Graduation is a milestone, and this girl may need some re-conditioning to understand how to celebrate a milestone. She may also need some help understanding how different a celebration is when surrounded by people who really love you. I think it's fine to give her some normal milestone hoopla and to ask her to trust that this might be something she would value later on. My guess, again based on long experience, is that this girl will look back on the pictures and appreciate the effort. She will appreciate commemorating the milestone.

 

Re the party: If you or the congregation would think about the graduation party, then bless you. Because most people don't, even in a supportive community. It's the same phenomena as at big parties, when you think "someone" will keep an eye on the kids, when in reality the kids run wild. It's also the same phenomena experienced by new widows or people struggling with a devastating illness. Lots of people express love, but very few people give more tangible support to those new widows and sick people. It is fact that the real, physical support, tends to dwindle to a very tiny, core group or a few individuals. And frankly, the longer someone is needy, the LESS a group is likely to continue to provide tangible support. The longer the crisis, the less people help. So I have a hard time believing that "someone" would throw her a party. And I think it's lovely that your friend is making sure it happens.

You make a lot of good points and I do thank you for reminding me the mom has good qualities. She does. But as I said was my problem in the very beginning is what appears to be her lack of boundaries in other parent/child relationships.

 

Her brothers apartment was a good place for her to be. She loves him, he is a good young man, they are very close. She is homeschooled so she didn't have to change schools. She in fact quite likes time to herself and needs quiet time. But of course going back to visit was fun and the house was full of teens all the time. I dont think just because she preferred to be in that house most of the time that it is where she should have been. If that was the case MY son would move in with the family.

 

And you will notice that as soon as she turned 18 she moved out. She doesn't even have a job yet and lives on the cs her mom gets from her bio,dad...it comes straight to her.

 

She told me one time....everyone talks about how great it is to turn 21.....18....THATS where it's at. Being able to sign your own documents and not have to depend on anyone else to do things for you.

[Harriet Vane]

Her controlling and manipulative behavior about it and wrt to Scarlett's son? Yeah, that's screwed up and makes a person wonder about what all else is screwed up.

 

 

Honestly, I am not sure what you are referring to here. 

 

Scarlett mentioned that the woman implied that Scarlett doesn't like having lots of teenagers over. Scarlett interpreted that to mean that this woman wants to be the only one who has teenagers over. 

 

Scarlett also mentioned that the families are friends and that her son likes hanging out with them. I don't see anything nefarious in this. 

 

Scarlett mentioned that this woman was not creeped out by the guy who married a woman 25 years older. And that Scarlett made an ugly, sarcastic comment about this woman being interested in Scarlett's son which hurt her feelings. And the woman asserted vehemently that she does not have those feelings for Scarlett's son or other young teenagers. 

 

I re-read the thread, and I cannot seem to find any specific preoccupation on the part of this woman with Scarlett's son. Is there something I am missing?

 

 

 

 

As for Scarlett's assertion that this girl "has a mother," my bet is that this girl feels otherwise. The mere presence of a bio mom does not a mother make, not when she is prioritizing her addicted boyfriend and her own probable addictions issues. With two older brothers who are addicted as well, it's easy to picture the home life. Not much home, not much life. 

 

I will just reiterate that I have observed similar behavior in foster families and in families who have taken in hurting teens. 

[Scarlett]

Honestly, I am not sure what you are referring to here.

 

Scarlett mentioned that the woman implied that Scarlett doesn't like having lots of teenagers over. Scarlett interpreted that to mean that this woman wants to be the only one who has teenagers over.

 

Scarlett also mentioned that the families are friends and that her son likes hanging out with them. I don't see anything nefarious in this.

 

Scarlett mentioned that this woman was not creeped out by the guy who married a woman 25 years older. And that Scarlett made an ugly, sarcastic comment about this woman being interested in Scarlett's son which hurt her feelings. And the woman asserted vehemently that she does not have those feelings for Scarlett's son or other young teenagers.

 

I re-read the thread, and I cannot seem to find any specific preoccupation on the part of this woman with Scarlett's son. Is there something I am missing?

 

 

 

 

As for Scarlett's assertion that this girl "has a mother," my bet is that this girl feels otherwise. The mere presence of a bio mom does not a mother make, not when she is prioritizing her addicted boyfriend and her own probable addictions issues. With two older brothers who are addicted as well, it's easy to picture the home life. Not much home, not much life.

 

I will just reiterate that I have observed similar behavior in foster families and in families who have taken in hurting teens.

Ugly sarcastic comment? No. It wasn't. I was dead serious about it. She had just informed me that she could easily be attracted to a much younger man. The one I question was 18 when he began this relation with this older woman. My son is 16. I think my question and concern was legitimate.

 

And the girl definitely does feel she has a mother. Even if the mother is currently lost and even if the mom can never again be in the teens life she still has a mother. She loves her and she does have many happy memories of their life together before the step dad got on drugs.

 

If your mother died or other wise had to be cut from your life would you say, "well I don't have a mother now, let me find another".

 

I just don't think it works that way and I dont think the girl feels that way.

[Harriet Vane]

You make a lot of good points and I do thank you for reminding me the mom has good qualities. She does. But as I said was my problem in the very beginning is what appears to be her lack of boundaries in other parent/child relationships.

 

Her brothers apartment was a good place for her to be. She loves him, he is a good young man, they are very close. She is homeschooled so she didn't have to change schools. She in fact quite likes time to herself and needs quiet time. But of course going back to visit was fun and the house was full of teens all the time. I dont think just because she preferred to be in that house most of the time that it is where she should have been. If that was the case MY son would move in with the family.

 

And you will notice that as soon as she turned 18 she moved out. She doesn't even have a job yet and lives on the cs her mom gets from her bio,dad...it comes straight to her.

 

She told me one time....everyone talks about how great it is to turn 21.....18....THATS where it's at. Being able to sign your own documents and not have to depend on anyone else to do things for you.

 

What lack of boundaries in other parent/child relationships? I am honestly confused. I re-read the thread. I see your concern that your son not spend time with her, and I see that you were unhappy about her going to sleep while teenagers were over. But I also see that when her clueless moments are brought to her attention, she responds (like with the sleeping arrangements). Not one of us is perfect. Thankfully, there appears to be a "village" willing to help her make good choices, and she appears to receive that appropriately.

 

Your son does not live in a home with addictions. He may enjoy visiting, but living with her? Probably not. Really. He has a family he is bonded to--YOU. This girl does not have that luxury, so her choices were different.

 

And I will emphasize that you don't understand how lonely brother's apartment may have been. My guess is that this girl craves family, and she found one willing to embrace her. She has her brother, and she has her chosen family. She, her brother, and the family chose this. It doesn't sound like anyone forced anything on anyone.

[Harriet Vane]

Ugly sarcastic comment? No. It wasn't. I was dead serious about it. She had just informed me that she could easily be attracted to a much younger man. The one I question was 18 when he began this relation with this older woman. My son is 16. I think my question and concern was legitimate.

 

And the girl definitely does feel she has a mother. Even if the mother is currently lost and even if the mom can never again be in the teens life she still has a mother. She loves her and she does have many happy memories of their life together before the step dad got on drugs.

 

If your mother died or other wise had to be cut from your life would you say, "well I don't have a mother now, let me find another".

 

I just don't think it works that way and I dont think the girl feels that way.

 

 

She may feel she had a mother, and she may rejoice someday in the unlikely event that her mother ever wakes up and acts as a mother again. It doesn't change the fact that she doesn't really have a mom now, and it doesn't have to mean there is anything ugly about appreciating someone who will embrace her as a mom.

 

 

Most hurting kids don't consciously decide to go find another mom or another family. But yes, they do tend to do so. Your assertion that it doesn't work that way is incorrect. 

 

As for how this girl feels--obviously I cannot say with certainty as I have never spoken to her. But I can assert that the behavior you find so odd is actually normal and typical for someone in her situation and for families like your friend who embrace these hurting kids.

Edited April 2, 2016 by Harriet Vane

[Scarlett]

She may feel she had a mother, and she may rejoice someday in the unlikely event that her mother ever wakes up and acts as a mother again. It doesn't change the fact that she doesn't really have a mom now, and it doesn't have to mean there is anything ugly about appreciating someone who will embrace her as a mom.

 

 

Most hurting kids don't consciously decide to go find another mom or another family. But yes, they do tend to do so. Your assertion that it doesn't work that way is incorrect. 

 

As for how this girl feels--obviously I cannot say with certainty as I have never spoken to her. But I can assert that the behavior you find so odd is actually normal and typical for someone in her situation and for families like your friend who embrace these hurting kids.

 

 

Even so...my issue has never been with this girls behavior or her decision to move in with this family.  It also hasn't been the family's decision to ask her to.  It has always just been with how the mom has taken over and states that the girl is her daughter.  I just don't like it and I find it over stepping.

 

She is on to anther young girl in our circle now.  She pets her and buys her gifts and flatters her and has her over one day a week to hang out.  The other day I was in need of some information regarding the young woman with ALS....I was suppose to cook a meal but she was in the hospital and I didn't know when she was getting out.   This mom calls the new young girl and has her call me with the info.  Why?  What reason, in the middle of that crisis did that mom have to call a 14 year old girl?  Just weird things.  That feels like manipulation to me.

[Danestress]

Well, on the bright side, the girl sounds like she's ok. She petitioned to move out of her mother's when that wasn't working. Then living with her brother, she realized she needs community - friends, church, etc. So she managed to make another change. Her next step may not seem right to you, but she chose it and it sounds like she probably could have gone back with her brother if she really wanted.

 

She never got wrapped up in the "Mom" thing with this lady, and apparently moved out when she wanted. Really, she sounds like a kid who is strong enough to make choices. So maybe even though the "Mom" is over the top, it sounds like the young woman has managed to navigate things pretty well. It may not be what you think is right. But it's not really your story.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Danestress

[Danestress]

Also, I do understand why it bothers you because your son likes her and she makes you nervous. But from what I can tell, you are really close to your son and engaged in his life. I doubt your son is likely to be a candidate for being 'taken over' by her. I still get why it makes you anxious. I do. But don't let it make you crazy. My guess is that he is so much more invested in you and that your voice is still the big voice in his life.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Danestress

[Scarlett]

Well, on the bright side, the girl sounds like she's ok. She petitioned go move out of her mother's when that wasn't working. Then living with her brother, she realized she needs community - friends, church, etc. So she managed to make another change. Her next step may not seem right to you, but she chose it and it sounds like she probably could have gone back with her brother if she realy wanted.

 

She never got wrapped up in the "Mom" thing with this lady, and apparently moved out when she wanted. Really, she sounds like a kid who is strong enough to make choices. So maybe even though the "Mom" is over the top, it sounds like the young woman has managed to navigate things pretty well. It may not be what you think is right. But it's not really your story.

I do think she has made good choices. And she is roommates now with a nice young mid 20s woman.

[Scarlett]

Update in first post

[Scarlett]

No comments? LOL Well maybe that means I just need to get over myself and stop fretting over her comments. It was probably the first time I had had a conversation with her more than just hi for months and that is what I get.

[Danestress]

I keep thinking about Jonathon Franzen's novel, Freedom. There is an entire plot line about the main character's son moving in with his girlfriend's family next-door. It's hilarious and painful and probably every mother's nightmare.

[Scarlett]

I keep thinking about Jonathon Franzen's novel, Freedom. There is an entire plot line about the main character's son moving in with his girlfriend's family next-door. It's hilarious and painful and probably every mother's nightmare.

I guess it had never crossed my mind that my son would want to move in with them. But hey if he actually did when he is 18 there is nothing I could do about it and I guess I better just face that fact.

 

I think I will ask my son what that is all about. I have waited a few days so I dont feel accusatory.

[happi duck]

That would bug me so much!

 

I have known people who want to poach other people's kids and I find it gross.

 

One can be there for other kids without being gross about it.

[Scarlett]

I noticed that the other young girl that she seemed to be trying to steal ( for lack of a better word), has not been spending near so much time there. I think her parents pulled back hard on that.

[Scarlett]

I asked ds16 what that was about...he said he jokingly said that to his friend ( son of this mom) and his friend told his mom. And of course he said I am too sensitive.....I said so the only reason they wouldn't let you move in with them is because they think I would get mad?

 

He shrugged and said, I wouldn't move in with them anyway. If I can move out of here why wouldn't I just get my own place?

 

Oh well. I just gotta not let her bug me.

[katilac]

 Anyway, the mom comes up to me at lunch yesterday and says, "did you hear the big joke? Your son says if nephew gets married and moves out, he ( my son ) can move in to nephews bedroom. Ha ha. I said no way Scarlett would kill me!"

 

I smiled and let it go....but I had that feeling of I think I am being made fun of and undermined and devalued by someone who is smiling at me the entire time.

 

Is it just me? Dh says she has no filter and it was a very thoughtless thing for her to say to me.

 

What do you guys think?

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

My first thought is that she wanted to make sure you didn't hear about what ds said from someone else, and that it was a joking comment that she said 'no' to. 

 

I can see how it would be viewed as thoughtless for her to repeat when she knew it would bother you, but I can also see how she would be worried about being accused of keeping it a secret, or talking about your ds moving in behind your back, kwim? Better for you to be a little bothered now than a lot bothered in a month, when the story gets repeated by someone else but all you hear is 'ds was talking about moving in with her.' 

[Rosie_0801]

No comments? LOL Well maybe that means I just need to get over myself and stop fretting over her comments. It was probably the first time I had had a conversation with her more than just hi for months and that is what I get.

 

She sounds like a creepy wench. 

[Scarlett]

She sounds like a creepy wench. 

 

 

Like.  

 

:)

 

Thank you.

[importswim]

It would make me wonder if my son had said something to the family about your feelings about everything.  :sad:

 

I would probably also feel that I was being made fun of in that statement and it would have made me sad. I would then probably have to talk a lot to myself about how it could have just been an off comment that wasn't meant the way that I took it. It would be hard, though!

[catz]

Maybe I'm weird but I wouldn't have thought anything of it. I would have thought the teens were joking around and possibly friend has minimal filter. It may have justified a quick eye roll in my world.

[mom2scouts]

I think she gets some kind of payoff by being the cool mom, the mom all the teens want to live with. Making the comment to you, while acknowledging that it would bother you, means she's just being a jerk.

[hornblower]

It would bug me. I agree her behaviour is creepy. 

[Scarlett]

It would make me wonder if my son had said something to the family about your feelings about everything.  :sad:

 

I would probably also feel that I was being made fun of in that statement and it would have made me sad. I would then probably have to talk a lot to myself about how it could have just been an off comment that wasn't meant the way that I took it. It would be hard, though!

 

 

Well, I have been very vocal to my friend about how she acts like she is the other young woman's mother.  And how I wouldn't want someone taking over my role as mother......

[Murphy101]

Creepy something or other in my opinion too.

 

It would bother me too, but I'd keep that bother between dh and I. No point feeding the beast.

[gardenmom5]

 

 

Is it just me? Dh says she has no filter and it was a very thoughtless thing for her to say to me.

 

What do you guys think?

-----------------------------------

 

 

are you familiar with the phrase "consider the source"?

some people are credible, some  aren't.

whether it's just a lack of filter (implying she's oblivious to her rudeness) or she's mocking you to your face (re: it's deliberate) is less relevant than how you respond.

be gracious, be polite, turn the other cheek, pass the bean dip, and turn your back.

 

I might have given a confused/frozen smile and asked "why would he want to move in with her?"  (strongly implying he has it better with you.)  or suggesting that she's a pushover and will be more willing to give him all the things he wants that you aren't afraid to say "no" to.

[Scarlett]

are you familiar with the phrase "consider the source"?

some people are credible, some aren't.

whether it's just a lack of filter (implying she's oblivious to her rudeness) or she's mocking you to your face (re: it's deliberate) is less relevant than how you respond.

be gracious, be polite, turn the other cheek, pass the bean dip, and turn your back.

 

I might have given a confused/frozen smile and asked "why would he want to move in with her?" (strongly implying he has it better with you.) or suggesting that she's a pushover and will be more willing to give him all the things he wants that you aren't afraid to say "no" to.

Yes. So true. Our Bible lesson last night was all on making peace with our brothers and sister when problems arise. I really took the counsel to heart...and I really feel she is just a clueless, possible wanna be cool mom type person.

 

I did give a half froze smile and barely blinked.....Dh and you guys validating me is the best med.

[Scarlett]

Creepy something or other in my opinion too.

 

It would bother me too, but I'd keep that bother between dh and I. No point feeding the beast.

Yes, that is where it stayed, except for y'all of course. It is helpful to not spread it all around.

[SproutMamaK]

Sounds to me like Mommy Wars run amok. My best guess is that she's trying to make herself feel good about herself by telling herself all the other kids love her sooooo much more than even their own parents, she must be SUCH a good mom and person! When she runs out of fodder from the kids she sneaks random comments in to conversations to get a reaction and feed that need for the rush she gets when she feels superior.

Don't let her bait you. She's going to look for that rush wherever she can get it. You have a few options. You can ignore her and privately roll your eyes at the passive "Queen Bee" mommy war. You can call her out on it and point it out when she starts with this crap. Or you can let the friendship die. If that feeling of superiority is what she's after, she'll try to get it from you until you refuse to let her anymore. 

YMMV of course!

Edited October 26, 2016 by SproutMamaK

[Scarlett]

Well. To those of you who told me to listen to my gut.....you were right.

 

This woman had an affair with her BIL while his wife was dying. I am stunned and sickened.

[Scarlett]

So I read back over this entire thread last night. The last year my son has barely seen her because the family has been consumed with the illness of her SIL....

 

But it seems pretty clear to me that she lacks boundaries in all her relationships.

 

I took advice here and stopped saying anything negative to my son about her. In fact I sang her praises because she was caring for her SIL almost 100% of the time.

 

My son did open up to me about it. He feels a lot of anger toward her specifically because he feels the husband was at his most vulnerable.

 

Anyway, please don't quote because I want to delete later...but I do appreciate all your support. And we should always listen to our gut.

[Scarlett]

Well, life goes on. The kids are rebounding from this horrible, terrible, very bad betrayal. It was eye opening for my son to see the reality of this betrayal. So we talked about this a lot.....and it has been good for us as mother and son.

 

He is out tonight with a bunch of friends.....I think all is well.