What does one do when they hate their job but feel unable to quit?

[Jenny in Florida]

I think Tsuga's advice was the best: if possible, think of this as a long-term fix.  the likelihood of turning your situation around so that you are living a middle class life instead of a lower/working class life in 6 months is low.  The possibility (once you develop a plan and stick to it) of turning it around in 3 or 4 years is much higher, esp. as your kids get older and more self-sufficient.  

 

Agreed.

 

I can totally see why the idea of dramatically taking a stand to "change things NOW!" would be overwhelming when you feel llike it's all you can do to get through your days. Personally, I'm a long-term, future-oriented thinker. I get anxious when I have nothing to plot or plan, so I'm always thinking about the next step(s). The benefit to this appoach is that you can devote 10 minutes to thinking/planning when you have the energy and ignore it for a while to cope with other things. 

 

It is also how I cope with anxiety when I can't sleep of focus on anything because I'm too busy worrying about how much life stinks right now. Just knowing that there is a plan and that I'm taking even baby steps towards making that happen can make me feel more positive and able to deal with today.

 

So, sure, your husband can't quit his crummy job right now without putting your family at risk in ways that you both consider unacceptable. (I don't think you are wrong, either.) And it may not be realistic for either of your to dive full-time into a traditional, structured academic program. I get that, too. Although it would have been a long-term benefit for my husband to have gotten a degree 20 years ago, he just did not feel capable at that time of taking on that project. At this point, now that we're in our 50s, additional formal education for him would be unlikely to pay off, in terms of employment. That ship has sailed. Instead, he's taken every opportunity over the intervening years to get training related to his job (and/or the kinds of jobs he would like to have) that he can add to his resume. It hasn't been a magic bullet -- It's not like he finished a five-day training course and suddenly employers were knocking on his door offering him his dream job. However, he's slowly built a resume and a reputation that keeps him employed and moving forward.

 

When I graduated from college with a degree in English (a notoriously unmarketable degree), I took a temp job as a cashier at the college bookstore, just to pass the time until I got a "real job." What was supposed to be a three-week gig turned into a few months, during which I was moved from the cash register to the main floor to being the person in charge of handling special orders for faculty and students to, eventually, an offer of a full-time job. I turned it down to take another temp job with a major bookstore chain, which turned into a job as the assistant manager of one of their stores, which put me in contact with a woman who worked as an editor for the university. When she was getting ready to leave that job to move on to something bigger and better, she passed along my resume to the powers that be, and I made the leap from retail into my first "real" office job.

 

From that point on, I never let my resume get stale. I grabbed opportunities to get additional training. I kept records of any significant (or significant sounding) accomplishments. I updated my resume every six months or so. For the next few years, I ping-ponged between bookstore retailing and editing as I  moved from the midwest to the northeast. When I reached a dead-end, I found a way to move, even if it seemed like a lateral move at the time, and kept finding ways to expand my skill set and enhance my resume.

 

I moved from editorial to technical writing by once again taking a temp job, which led to another, which led to a long-term temp assignment, which led to a full-time permanent job. When my new employer had a project no one wanted to do because no one was familiar with the necessary tools, I volunteered to learn the programming language and do the project. I did as much as I could on my own, and the company then ended up sending me for additional training and conferences. Finally, they began hiring me out to other companies.

 

None of those "leaps" happened overnight. I often reached a point of feeling pretty hopeless that I would ever get out of the boring, difficult situation I was in at the time. However, I did what I coudl when I could to position myself to be ready to move on when an opportunity came along. And something always did come along, eventually.

 

The same thing was true when I needed to go back to work after our kids finished homeschooling, I had not worked in my field (technical writing) for almost 20 years. I also knew for sure that I didn't want to go back to full-time technical writing and documentation in a corporate environment. I rewrote my resume to focus on the educational aspects of my experience, sent it out to every one of those strip mall tutoring centers within 20 miles of my house and had a part-time job within a week. It didn't pay significantly more than minimum wage, and the hours were unreliable, but, once again, I kept updating and massaging my resume and finding small ways to enhance my skill set. I juggled that with other part-time jobs, too.

 

Now, almost two years later, I just got into a job with an employer that I think has the potential to see me through the 15 years or so until retirement. 

 

However, I'm not planning to stagnate. I've been there about three weeks, but I'm already looking for opportunities for training and experiences that will continue to enhance my resume so that, when I next feel bored or unhappy, I can make the case for moving around or up within the organization. I expect/hope it will be a few years before I reach that point, but I want to be ready when it comes.

 

All of which is to say that I totally get it that you and your family cannot reasonably make a big, dramatic move right now. But I would strongly encourage you and your husband to find small ways to start positioning him to make a move when he's ready and when an appropriate opportunity comes along. Work on learning something new, somehow -- no matter in how small a way -- expand your skill sets. Research what employers are looking for in resumes these days. (There are trends. Things change, and having a "stale" or "old-fashioned" resume can get you booted before you ever get to an interview.) Spend 20 minutes a day -- or 20 minutes a week, if that's all you/he can do -- looking at samples and revising your own resumes. Take a few free, self-paced tutorials online in things that interest you.

 

Keep moving forward, even if it is in tiny, slow steps. Be as ready as possible to take advantage of the next opportunity that does come along. It will.

[katilac]

OP, maybe take a look at AmeriCorps.  

 

It would be tough because travel is often involved, but sometimes you learn a marketable skill or certification, and you can get an educational grant when done. 

 

I don't know enough about it to judge whether it would be helpful, but I think it's worth checking out, especially if it's possible for both of you to do it at once. 

 

http://www.nationalservice.gov/

[NorthwestMom]

 

Keep moving forward, even if it is in tiny, slow steps. Be as ready as possible to take advantage of the next opportunity that does come along. It will.

 

One of the phrases I use to motivate myself is, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Just try to keep taking the next tiny bite. Then the next.

 

OP, you are doing well. You don't have to be Super Woman. You are already looking for realistic solutions for your situation. Give yourself time to process everything, and then make the decisions that are right for YOUR family.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

I'll tell you where I would move if I needed to start fresh right now, and if I were homeschooling.

 

Merced, CA.

 

There is a new University of California there, growing like crazy.

 

Rents are still extremely cheap. 

 

It's a depressed economy, and not an attractive place--hot and dry a lot of the time.  But it's only about 2 hours to the Yosemite area, and again, rents are extremely cheap.

 

And CA has the cheapest, best state higher education system I know of, even though the public schools are not always great. 

 

I'd have the primary bread winner look for a job at the university, and apply elsewhere in the area as well, and then I would move.

 

Check out this rental:  https://merced.craigslist.org/apa/5488839247.html

 

I have to add, I don't like Merced.  It's very agricultural, it has a depressed, tired looking downtown that has a lot of vacancies, it looks like a tough place to find community, and it is more dependent on the university than I am comfortable with for the long run.  But as a place to catch my breath, more or less self-contained within my own family life, and get some financial traction, it's where I would go.  It reminds me of what I used to hear about the Alaska pipeline days.  Except without the harsh winters.  So I'd go there, I would save save save, and I would try to improve my employability.  I might do some tutoring at the college or informally for struggling college students who want to study tech (UCM is mostly a STEM school) but need to be able to write as well.  Or I might start a tutoring service and just take on a few students at the high school.  Or I would just take some classes in the employability baby steps category, just one night class at a time maybe.  Or at least I would take the opportunity to learn Spanish and beef up my resume that way, since a fluent second language that is common like that is a great help in finding jobs in many areas. 

 

UCM jobs board:  https://jobs.ucmerced.edu/n/staff/choose_category.jsf

 

If your DH could work in a construction related field, there is a ton of building going on there.  The campus owns about 10X the amount of land that is already built out, and is throwing up new dorms and classroom buildings feverishly.  This will probably continue for at least another decade.

Edited March 23, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[Carol in Cal.]

Also, the Oakdale area has a lot of jobs available and rents are reasonable.  Plus I think the community is a little more congenial.  However, it doesn't have a university nearby, although there are junior colleges (almost free in CA) within easy cruising range.

[Scarlett]

Pinkmint I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed with all the advice. It is what we do here though. Not all of it is going to resonate with you. You have to sift through it all and pick out a few key points that makes sense to YOU and to YOUR family's situation.

 

When live in a rural town not too far from Tulsa.....when we first moved here we rented an apartment in Tulsa close to dhs job....it is a nice area......there was a nice small lake nearby that I took my boys and our dog to. I met a lady there with a small child and she told me they were in Tulsa for her husband to go to welding school. Apparently Tulsa is known for their welding school. I understand that it would take quite some planning to pull it off....but I imagine there are financial aid packages that would allow your Dh to do some such trade....you might not can do that today....you do have a one year old and frankly that is a HUGE deal....but maybe in the next year you guys could do something like that....if your husband was in a less than a year long program you could work some evenings or nights.....and get by with assistance and such.

 

You probably get a huge tax refund with 3 kids....you could plan it just so and take that money to use to finance a move.

 

Also in that same apartment we lived in was an American Indian who came off the reservation in AZ to go to welding school. I imagine he had funding being an Indian....but there will be help for you guys too...low or no income with three kids....you will get some help. You just have to know where to start and start asking questions.

 

And I am just using Welding and Tulsa as an example......your husband should decide what sort of trade feels right for him to go for.

Edited March 23, 2016 by Scarlett

[LucyStoner]

As for those who are saying that moving requires 6 month savings. It's a nice ideal. Truly. But many people don't deal in the land of ideal.

 

There are lots of places were jobs are just over minimum wage or where the minimum wage is much higher than Texas. There are also places with far more in the way of labor protections and social services safety nets than Texas.

 

Sometimes people have to take a leap of faith to get out of a bad situation with few viable opportunities for improvement.

 

ETA- I like Scarlett's idea to use a tax refund to cushion a move. It's not 6 months but it's enough to give him time to find a job while you stay in a low cost short term rental. If you do this next year, you have a year to tuck away a few more dollars.

Edited March 23, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Scarlett]

As for those who are saying that moving requires 6 month savings. It's a nice ideal. Truly. But many people don't deal in the land of ideal.

 

There are lots of places were jobs are just over minimum wage or where the minimum wage is much higher than Texas. There are also places with far more in the way of labor protections and social services safety nets than Texas.

 

Sometimes people have to take a leap of faith to get out of a bad situation with few viable opportunities for improvement.

 

ETA- I like Scarlett's idea to use a tax refund to cushion a move. It's not 6 months but it's enough to give him time to find a job while you stay in a low cost short term rental. If you do this next year, you have a year to tuck away a few more dollars.

And time for the baby to get a wee bit older.

[Acadie]

I'm in the midst of a massive, several-year life change myself, and I understand how overwhelming looking at all the interwoven threads can be, especially when finances are a big piece of it.

 

I think spending time dreaming and visualizing what you'd like your lives to look like is incredibly valuable, and even necessary. It may sound fruity to some, but I think emotional and creative preparation is really necessary to ground any big changes you decide to make, and carry you through whatever upheaval or sacrifice may be involved further down the road. I listened to a CD of guided meditations buy Denise Linn that helped me think about what I desired, and what I wanted to let go of in my life. I did those guided meditations over and over, and feel like it became an easier and easier exercise to see clearly what I want and what I don't. This applies to decisions both large and small, including major work/life shifts as well as decluttering toys and clothes. 

 

I wish the process of major life change went faster for me, but like several previous posters it's probably going to be 5 or 6 years before I can realize all of the change. I'm not quite halfway there, but I see major and minor shifts accumulating in the right direction. About half the time that feels great, and the other half I'm discouraged how long it's taking. I still struggle sometimes to accept that this is incremental and a bit of a slog at times.

 

I guess I'm wondering if even in the midst of your busy days with dh working all the time, you could start the creative play and visualization that will lead you toward the life you want. Since it's feeling stressful to think of concrete plans and logistics, I wonder if thinking of it more as play for now, trying on different places, jobs, living spaces, picturing indoor and outdoor play areas for your kids could give you energy by drawing you toward what you desire. Don't be afraid to dream, and let your dreams lead you to concrete action. 

 

Amy

[Rachel]

My husband told me this morning that Mike Rowe's foundation is giving away 400k in scholarships for people going into trades. I'm not sure is that is something that appeals to you or your husband but it may be worth checking into.

[pinkmint]

I'm not sure who Mike Rowe is, but he's been mentioned a couple times here. I can look into it. 

[creekland]

I'm not sure who Mike Rowe is, but he's been mentioned a couple times here. I can look into it. 

 

If you want some motivation, watch The Pursuit of Happyness (movie) while you both are going through it.  It's an uplifting movie allowing one to imagine anything being possible and it's based upon a true story.

 

Here's the trailer:

 

[pinkmint]

That movie used to be on Netflix and we watched it. I cried. I watched the Ben Carson story too and cried. 

[ktgrok]

Mike Rowe is one of my top celebrity crushes. Smart as heck, good looking,not afraid to get his hands dirty, friendly, and he can sing (used to be an opera singer). 

[Rachel]

I'm not sure who Mike Rowe is, but he's been mentioned a couple times here. I can look into it.

Here's a link: http://profoundlydisconnected.com/2016workethicscholarshipprogram/

 

He used to have a show called Dirty Jobs and he does voice work on commercials. He is big on promoting good jobs that don't require a college degree.

[Alicia64]

Mike Rowe is one of my top celebrity crushes. Smart as heck, good looking,not afraid to get his hands dirty, friendly, and he can sing (used to be an opera singer). 

 

I know! I LOVE Mike!!

[Hyacinth]

He also has a podcast of short, interesting stories. I think it's called "The Way I Heard It."

Edited March 24, 2016 by Hyacinth