s/o : Living with family. Would you?

[Wheres Toto]

Not unless there were health issues involved that made it necessary.  Not voluntarily.

 

Oldest dd and I did live with my mom and stepdad when I was first divorced.  It wasn't awful and it was good for my daughter to help her through a difficult time.  But it only lasted 6 months and was fairly uncomfortable.   We did have plans to stay with them while our house was being rebuilt but those plans were put on hold when dh was laid off.

 

I can barely take a few days at Christmas with my inlaws so that would definitely be a no.  I'm pretty sure dh feels the same way about that one.

[Peaceful Isle]

Maybe with my MIL, and it might happen within the next few years. She would live with us, have her own bedroom/bathroom, and she would have to downsize a bunch. There is no way I could store all her stuff, and she knows it. 

I like a clean house, she is more messy. I talked with her the other day about the idea, and let her know it would be possible, but "only" if she really downsized. 

 

It might happen. We shall see. 

[idnib]

How does it work if there is no son?  

 

We are in the process of moving my mother up to live near me (and eventually, probably, live with me).  My husband's brother looked after their parents; my brother's wife lost one sister and the other emigrated, so she needs to take care of her mother; I have another brother, but he has health issues that make it impossible for him to care for Mum, so it makes sense that I care for her.

 

The oldest or wealthiest daughter and her husband.  If the children are not yet married another family member would probably take them all in, considering it temporary until a daughter was married.

 

It's a form of tribalism, social security, and duty.

 

Things are slowly changing though. More people are moving farther away from home and until my generation, in my (huge) family there were no divorces. It's going to become more complicated.

Edited December 24, 2015 by idnib

[ocelotmom]

If it weren't for DH, I can see potentially living near either of my parents. I don't know about in the same house, but we lived next door to my grandparents for most of my childhood, and that was great. 

 

But my husband doesn't get along well with my mom, and living with them in close proximity would be an utter nightmare.

 

We both agree that living near his father would be a nightmare. Major boundaries issues that are bad enough living 500 miles away.

[goldberry]

That would be hell on earth.

 

Same here.  Even people that I like make me crazy in my house.

 

Probably will end up with my mom here a few months out of the year though.  You do what you have to!

[QueenCat]

With a separate entrance and the interior entrance locked, yes. As in, you have to knock and be received to come into my part of the house. Come 8pm, I want to be in a nightshirt and I'm not wearing that in front of fil or my dad. I don't expect to have to wear day clothes that late and I NEED quiet time at night. So, if a party is open to visits, the leave their part of the lock unlocked, if it's locked and no one answers, it's private time.

[KrissiK]

Oh no! Not unless it was in some sort of care-giving capacity!

[IndigoGlitter]

Depends on which family member. One of them... not only no but hell no. I'll take a tent tyvm. The others? As long as there are ground rules from the beginning and the house is ginormous enough for the whole family and on a farm.

 

Only if there were no other option.

[Tsuga]

I'd rather our parents live with us than suffer but we all kind of hope it won't come to that. LOL we are ready, though.

[Scarlett]

It's not unusual for people in my mother's family to make it to their late 90s or even pass 100. So sooner or later we'll have to share, that or send Mom to a nursing home. No money for a nursing home, so... yeah. But we can get along pretty well.

Nursing is free for poor people. It isn't like you would have to pay for it.

[Scarlett]

My parents are moving to the town I live in. I have a brother who is not stable and is worse than no help....a step brother who is a double amputee living in a nursing home and he doesn't have his mind....and a step sister who lives 2000 miles a way. So I am it. I am very happy they are moving near us. They are looking at one house now that has a lot in the same block for sale. Dh and I are thinking of selling our house in the country and building on that lot if my parents end up with that house. That would make it very easy to care for them as they age.....

[Tess in the Burbs]

There was a time we thought mom would come live with us if her husband died. She doesn't like cold weather and now we live in a cooler place. She nixed the idea. But it wouldn't work and I am glad she has an out lol. My dad...he smokes, so no. Personality wise we could. But the in-laws? Nope, all would so no to that.

 

I think our kids will stay through college for financial reasons. Both wnt to live close when older. Our ideal is land with multiple structures. Obviously their spouse would have to want this lol.

 

I know people who do it successfully. It is amazing. It would certainly challenge me. Ha haha

[Lolly]

We have. After mil died, dh was having to spend every single afternoon (after work) with fil up to the point of going to bed. Fil simply could not manage for himself even though there was nothing physical stopping him. He had a woman to take care of him his entire life (laundry/cooking/company) and didn't seem to be able to figure it out for himself. In less than a year's time, we were all living together. Fil had the main floor of the house. The kids had rooms on the second floor. Dh and I moved into the large finished basement. Our bed was on one side, a family area on the other. It allowed us to see dh. It was okay, but extremely stressful. Fil did not approve of the way I do things. I was far too independent in his opinion. He didn't think women should leave the house if it was raining hard, much less if snow were forecast... My taking off (alone/no other adults) on trips with the dc on the spur of the moment drove him absolutely bonkers. I think he probably drove mil to the grocery store a mile away as her escort... We survived, I would do it again because, quite honestly, there wasn't really another choice. He refused to leave his home. He would have died if we did not care for him. But, it wasn't the most pleasant situation and certainly brought a constant stress.

 

We will not do this with/for my parents. #1 the distance is too great. I always thought we could manage it with my mother, but time has changed that. She has changed. I dn't think I could live with the person she has become as she has aged. And, she has said that she would never move/live with any of her dc. She would prefer a nursing home/senior home. My dad, I couldn't manage either. He requires too much care (dementia). If I absolutely had to, okay, I would. But, I might go insane myself.

[kewb]

If there was absolutely no other way but I can't imagine enjoying it.

[LisaKinVA]

Lived with my parents for 10 years. We could easily do it again. Some separate space is needed. Never with DH's family. Several of my kids talk about dh and I living with them someday. Hopefully,I won't ruin anything, so that remains a possibility. :)

 

DH and I do talk frequently about a home where it is easy for family to live with us as well.

[BigMamaBird]

We had to live with my parents about 4 years ago.  It wasn't idea.  We could do it if we had to, but I wouldn't choose it.  Now, if they had to move in with us, I could handle that.  Something about your parents living with you in your house as opposed to you living with them in their house just seems easier.  

 

There's no way I could live with my brother or my SILs or my husband's parents.  Maybe my FIL but not my MIL.

[MrsBasil]

We are doing that now. We bought a home with my parents with a walkout basement. The upstairs is a 3 bed/2 bath with a kitchen, living room, and laundry room. The downstairs is a 2 bed/1bath with a kitchen, living room, laundry area, and useless wood shop which we'll probably eventually convert to a den. We share a 2 car garage, a covered back deck, and a fenced yard.

 

So far, so good to OK. My dad has early onset Alzheimer's and being around more people makes him happier. Also, he adores having a dog again, but my mom is relieved they aren't responsible for the care. It helps my mom in the she's not the only caretaker and able to have other people to talk to. I manage my parent's finances and paperwork so it does make things less hectic than driving over to see them. They previously lived 30 minutes away. I'm also their POA. It benefits us financially, our expenses went down and we are able to sell our previous home at a profit.

 

I think having what are essentially two 2,100 square feet apartments makes it easier. My mom prefers to have her own kitchen and laundry. We had to downsize to move and I miss having a dedicated school/play room. OTOH, this house has a much better kitchen, laundry, bathrooms, windows, a nicer back yard, it doesn't need thousands of dollars in improvements, and our expenses have gone down over 60%. There's an attached 10x10 shed we ma eventually turn into kid space.

[MrsBasil]

My in laws lived with us for a time in our previous home. We had to share kitchen and laundry and that was harder. My FIL frequently re arranged my kitchen, got mad at me because he doesn't like clutter and I don't care about it, made fun of me for sleeping late(at the time I had a toddler who didn't sleep much), and was annoyed when my MIL baby sat-the arrangement was supposed to be that they paid no rent or utilities, but MIL babysat 2 -3 times a week. It pissed him off and he complained to and about me.

 

It would take a lot of discussion to live with them again.

[Woodhaven]

We have.  For their benefit, we moved my IL's in with us.  We purchased a house with 2 kitchens, and one where they would have their own bedroom, bathroom, and gave them the recreation room as their space.  It worked out well since they were great people.  My FIL died two years ago.  Since then we moved due to my DH's job change to another area and purchased a house with an in-law sweet.  It works out well for us.

[Incognito]

Ten years ago I couldn't have done it, but now I think I could.  DH and I have been married long enough, and we are comfortable and confident enough in what we believe and want that we could generally set up good boundaries and also uphold our end of work and compromise.  When we were younger it would have felt oppressive to me (I don't think DH would have cared).

 

There are a LOT of families in our area that do this.  People who originate from India tend to live in large households that are integrated, whereas other multi-generational households I know have separate living spaces.  I'd be happy to add a separate living space to our home for my in-laws or parents.  It would need to have separate laundry and kitchen.  The people I know who do this all seem to do well with it - the older parents/grandparents enjoy the relationships they are able to have with the grandkids, while they still have the space they need, and the parents/our generation enjoy the in-house child minders (for instance, a friend can put her kids to bed and go out with her husband - her parents aren't "babysitting" really, but they are there if there is an emergency and it doesn't cost $10/hr to go out).