S/O How to find/make close all weather friends

[Okra]

So, how do you all go about making close friends? Everyone seems so busy these days, it seems hard.  :(

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

It is difficult.  Have you looked at Meetup dot com?  They list local groups (and you can start a group).  That sort of thing might be a good place to start because it is centered around a common interest.  So even if it takes awhile to find good friends at least you are doing something you enjoy with other people.

 

 

[Critterfixer]

I'm working up the courage to go join my local writer's group this year. No telling how that will work out, but I figure it is my best bet.

[Farrar]

Be willing to put yourself out there. I feel like that's the number one thing.

 

Kids really helped for me. They make it easier, at least for me. I feel like I've found my tribe through homeschooling families. But your tribe might be through a totally different activity. Pick something and dive in.

[Ottakee]

I just typed up a nice long response and had an internet glitch and lost it.

 

Basically i eet people to DO something as I don't have the time to just sit and chat very often. We mostlyeet to walk as then we have privacy to chat and we are getting g our exercise. Other people i meet to go horseback riding, kayaking, or walking.

 

It can be less intimidating to meet someone you don't know well for a casual yet private activity than it is to sit down from them across the table and chat face to face.

 

One friend I have become close with this year was a casual friend for years, I have known her for 38 years very casually off and on. I asked her to meet me for an hour so I could pick her brain on foster care and adoption as many of our contacts lately have been through those things. We walked for an hour that day.

 

From there we walked again and in a few weeks I was meeting her at noon at work (she is a doctor that works 4 days a week) where we walk 3-4 days a week on her break. She gets out of the office, we both get exercise and fresh air and privacy to talk.

[Guest]

I have several. We went to the same church for at least a time and just clicked. We make s concerted effort to touch bases every month or two. Commonalities are the same basic values and lifestyle, hobbies, and personality compatibility.

 

I am so fortunate - I've never been without at least one dependable best friend at any point since third grade. I seem to inspire either love or hate in people, both in extremes. My friends have been loyal and true, my enemies have hated my guts passionately (and two of them became best friends when they actually got to know me more). But the key has always been reaching out to someone who just draws me in and clicks with their humor and candidness. Those are so important. Even my introverts friends (and spouse) possessed a strong, true spirit and an equal part of wit.

[MistyMountain]

I am having a hard time with this right now. I had good friends and enough acquaintances when my kids were younger but one good friend moved away and another got busy with different hobbies. I used to have lots of people I liked and saw at group meetings on a regular basis but now that the kids are older and in different education settings we do not see each other anymore. I have one meet up I like to go to but it is not conductive to meeting people and I like to take a kid to that one because they enjoy it too. A lot of the other meetups are filled with parents with babies and toddlers. I am very introverted and it is hard for me to get close to people but I need a few close friends in my life who I see and talk to regularly and that need isn't getting met at the moment. A lot of close  friends have drifted in and out of my life. I really would like some permanency and at least a few more close friends.

Edited December 17, 2015 by MistyMountain

[Guest]

Go out, talk to people, invite them over, remember stuff they tell you, tell them stuff, drink coffee, be a good listener, reach out....

 

Not everyone you get to know will end up being a close friend. That's OK. 

 

 

In addition to this excellent advice: be a little vulnerable. Just a little.

 

Save your razor-sharp-everything for acquaintances you kind of don't like and the internet :laugh: There's no contest irl for thickest shell, or most pointed observations, or anything at all really. There's no contest.

[Guest]

And yes!! It's so so hard to make really good friends. Not living in a super small town helps sometimes, so that there are more people/things to do. Though living in a super small town where everyone's willing to lend a hand helps sometimes, too. So. Yeah basically it's work.

[umsami]

I'm not good at it...but it takes time. 

 

I've been blessed though.  Though it's took about two years, I made two new close friends though my kids' scouting troops. I think it helped that when the kids were younger, the parents stayed...so we got to talk.

 

It's hard.  One of the things I don't like about possibly moving soon is losing these two new friends.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I have found that my closest friendships developed while working together with people, either on a project of some kind, or on a committee, or volunteering, or making music together.  There's just something about working side by side with someone, outside the pressures of a stressful work situation, that gives opportunity to chat and get to know each other without the intense one-on-one interaction that is difficult with someone you barely know (think "first date").  

 

My other closest friendships grew around our kids' friendships.  Playdates give opportunity to just sit and chat casually.  Scouts and classes also provide a chance to meet people.  If you meet someone you like, and your kids like each other, ask if you they'd like to get together sometime.  

 

I recommend finding a cause or two that interest you, and volunteering.  Or, if you're a member of a faith community, get involved in some sort of project.  If you've met someone, and you'd like to get to know them better, ask if they'd like to work with you on something.

[teachermom2834]

My good friends have all been ones where the other lady pretty much dragged me into friendship. I guess I am not confident enough to make the first step. Or second. Or third. But there have been a couple ladies that just kept asking even though I didn't initiate for a while.

 

I have a new friend right now that I just adore. We became very close very quickly. She is very forward. As in, "Hey. Are you guys busy? Was thinking of grabbing some pizzas and coming over." Or, "hey. I have some gingerbread houses for the kids to make. What time tomorrow are you home?". While this caught me a little off guard I really have loved it. I am ready for drop in anytime now and I feel like that kind of familiarity breeds closeness.

 

So, I guess my point is that if you feel like you really hit it off, put yourself out there. I adore this friend.But I needed her to really take the lead initially. I am a giving and loyal and fun friend. I just need the other side to take the first five steps. Not fair, I know.

[Guest]

My good friends have all been ones where the other lady pretty much dragged me into friendship. I guess I am not confident enough to make the first step. Or second. Or third. But there have been a couple ladies that just kept asking even though I didn't initiate for a while.

 

I have a new friend right now that I just adore. We became very close very quickly. She is very forward. As in, "Hey. Are you guys busy? Was thinking of grabbing some pizzas and coming over." Or, "hey. I have some gingerbread houses for the kids to make. What time tomorrow are you home?". While this caught me a little off guard I really have loved it. I am ready for drop in anytime now and I feel like that kind of familiarity breeds closeness.

 

So, I guess my point is that if you feel like you really hit it off, put yourself out there. I adore this friend.But I needed her to really take the lead initially. I am a giving and loyal and fun friend. I just need the other side to take the first five steps. Not fair, I know.

That's what I did to my friends. It takes both kinds :)

[Garga]

I thought I knew how to do it, but I'm not sure anymore. I tend to have seismic shifts back and forth between extroversion and introversion. I'm in the middle of a HUGE introverted moment. These shifts can last for years. So all those friends I gathered in the past 5 years when I was extroverted just seem like work now. Ugh. I'm trying to keep up with them but I'm just so worn out right now. I hope I can keep up with everyone enough so that when I swing back to my extroverted side I won't have neglected them too much. :(

 

When I was in my extroverted phase, I would invite people to the house or invite them out to dinner/dessert at a restaurant. I'd go ahead and say, "How about we meet at your house?" and go to their houses. These were church people. If I had to start from scratch without church people, I wouldn't know how. I find my friends at church because there are lots of people there and we have something in common.

 

Well..thinking about it: If I didn't find them at church, then I'd find them at homeschool co-ops and invite them to the house or to some sort of event that homeschoolers would be interested in. There are a number of co-op people who are aaaaalmost friends. I like them very much but never quite crossed the line into inviting them to the house a lot. And it was just because I ran out of time because I already had a bunch of church friends.

 

If I didn't find them at church or at homeschool co-ops...I dunno! There are very few meetup.com groups around here, but if you live in a more populated area, you could go to meetup.com and try to find a group with similar interests. And then, invite the people in the group to your house/to dinner/to whatever.

Edited December 17, 2015 by Garga

[aggieamy]

My good friends have all been ones where the other lady pretty much dragged me into friendship. I guess I am not confident enough to make the first step. Or second. Or third. But there have been a couple ladies that just kept asking even though I didn't initiate for a while.

 

I have a new friend right now that I just adore. We became very close very quickly. She is very forward. As in, "Hey. Are you guys busy? Was thinking of grabbing some pizzas and coming over." Or, "hey. I have some gingerbread houses for the kids to make. What time tomorrow are you home?". While this caught me a little off guard I really have loved it. I am ready for drop in anytime now and I feel like that kind of familiarity breeds closeness.

 

So, I guess my point is that if you feel like you really hit it off, put yourself out there. I adore this friend.But I needed her to really take the lead initially. I am a giving and loyal and fun friend. I just need the other side to take the first five steps. Not fair, I know.

 

Wow.  I am the other friend in this description.  I'm the outgoing, invite you to stuff, send you links to fun stuff we should do together, text you because I'm in the neighborhood and have an extra coffee to share type friend.  I am so glad to know that it doesn't always come across as pushy and bossy.  Sometimes I just like someone and enjoying hanging out with them and want to invite them to stuff.  Sometimes I invite them to fifteen activities before they invite me to anything.  It makes me nervous but the people who don't like me tend to start being busy about the fifth time I invite them on an outing.  The people that like me eventually start inviting me to things too.   

 

I guess what I'm saying is don't be afraid to invite people to do things.  Even people you only know slightly.  You don't have to invite them on a ski trip or something but invite them to lunch or for a walk or to a book club.  Then talk.  Find out about them.  Show interest. 

[purplejackmama]

Well I have 5 and here's how I met them:

 

1. Childhood BFF and then we went to college together

2. Met at a MOPS meeting when my oldest was a baby and I had no idea how to be a mom

3. Joined a Bible study that she was in

4. Homeschool group over 8 years ago

5. Random homeschool field trip. This one was a divine appointment, no doubt. We were both going through hell and we just bonded instantly.

 

It's funny, they are all so very different but each fills a specific void in my life. All would show up in the middle of the night with 5 minute warning and that's a good friend.

[TammyS]

Go out, talk to people, invite them over, remember stuff they tell you, tell them stuff, drink coffee, be a good listener, reach out....

 

Not everyone you get to know will end up being a close friend. That's OK. 

 

I only aim for one new friend per calendar year. Making new friends takes time and energy.

 

You actually have a goal for making new friends? 

 

Hm.  That's kinda brilliant.

[TammyS]

Ok, so you guys inspired me.  I sent an email to a woman I met recently to see if she would like to get together for coffee. Fingers crossed!

[knoxinsox]

I'm an extroverted introvert, with periods of hibernation from the world and occasionally a day in PJs reading.  I have RL friends and I stay connected on Facebook because we are all over the globe.  

So we moved a month ago south of DFW, I know 0 people here, hubby is working 14 hours a day, and yes, my kids are awesome...but we haven't found a church yet, and aside from the 88 year old neighbor lady--again, awesome--I haven't talked to an adult IRL in a month.  So I am becoming the crazy talking lady, and I talk to the lady at the bank, people in line at Starbucks, and in the aisles of the store, and I am pretty sure they are all rolling their eyes at me behind my back.  I can't even find a Natural Moms or a homeschooling FB group for our county.

 I'm missing my friends who would come plop down on my couch and stay and eat my kids snacks and leftovers and drink coffee.  LOL  Somewhere among the millions of people here, there's got to be a friend right?  I'm with the OP, it seems so hard now and I feel like I've forgotten how.  Plus, good friendships usually take some time.  

[HS Mom in NC]

Church

Quilter's Guild
Homeschool PE group

 

Edited December 18, 2015 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[Guest]

Oh I thought of something else that has been really important for me.

 

Date for friends outside of your age and circumstance! Many of my best friends have been significantly older than me, and some younger. Single and or childless friends. Different lifestyles in general, etc

 

I think ppl we have less in common with on the surface can be more intimidating, but often that's where the gems are ime.

[TranquilMind]

Well I have 5 and here's how I met them:

 

1. Childhood BFF and then we went to college together

2. Met at a MOPS meeting when my oldest was a baby and I had no idea how to be a mom

3. Joined a Bible study that she was in

4. Homeschool group over 8 years ago

5. Random homeschool field trip. This one was a divine appointment, no doubt. We were both going through hell and we just bonded instantly.

 

It's funny, they are all so very different but each fills a specific void in my life. All would show up in the middle of the night with 5 minute warning and that's a good friend.

You are VERY blessed. 

[TranquilMind]

I'm an extroverted introvert, with periods of hibernation from the world and occasionally a day in PJs reading.  I have RL friends and I stay connected on Facebook because we are all over the globe.  

So we moved a month ago south of DFW, I know 0 people here, hubby is working 14 hours a day, and yes, my kids are awesome...but we haven't found a church yet, and aside from the 88 year old neighbor lady--again, awesome--I haven't talked to an adult IRL in a month.  So I am becoming the crazy talking lady, and I talk to the lady at the bank, people in line at Starbucks, and in the aisles of the store, and I am pretty sure they are all rolling their eyes at me behind my back.  I can't even find a Natural Moms or a homeschooling FB group for our county.

 I'm missing my friends who would come plop down on my couch and stay and eat my kids snacks and leftovers and drink coffee.  LOL  Somewhere among the millions of people here, there's got to be a friend right?  I'm with the OP, it seems so hard now and I feel like I've forgotten how.  Plus, good friendships usually take some time.  

Ha ha.  I totally get this.  I talk to people everywhere too. 

 

I'm looking for friends too. 

[AnniePoo]

It helps to invite TWO people to do something at the same time.  It takes off so much pressure from everybody.

[Okra]

Honestly, I found it easy when I had younger children.  There were playgroups, activities that moms stayed at and could chat.  With older kids that just doesn't happen.  I just need to find the right kind of place to go out and find people.  :)

 

 

[Guest]

Wow. I am the other friend in this description. I'm the outgoing, invite you to stuff, send you links to fun stuff we should do together, text you because I'm in the neighborhood and have an extra coffee to share type friend. I am so glad to know that it doesn't always come across as pushy and bossy. Sometimes I just like someone and enjoying hanging out with them and want to invite them to stuff. Sometimes I invite them to fifteen activities before they invite me to anything. It makes me nervous but the people who don't like me tend to start being busy about the fifth time I invite them on an outing. The people that like me eventually start inviting me to things too.

 

I guess what I'm saying is don't be afraid to invite people to do things. Even people you only know slightly. You don't have to invite them on a ski trip or something but invite them to lunch or for a walk or to a book club. Then talk. Find out about them. Show interest.

Truly, this is where my self-doubts rears its ugly head. I can relate to being an "Extrovert-Introvert." I'm really a true introvert, but I like to make connections and I like to befriend people. But it's hard for me to be too assertive about making friends because I become fearful if they don't reciprocate, or if there seems like any sour note happened, or if they are busy next time I ask. They may be actually busy, but I get very much afraid that they are trying to blow me off.

 

I think, ultimately, I really don't like to be vulnerable, so if I'm not 100% confident that the other person is delighted I asked to get together, it's hard for me to press on with it. A lot of my friends stay on this outside edge simply for this reason; I am afraid of rejection.

[teachermom2834]

I recently relocated and have two new friends I would call good friends.  One is a neighbor and the other I met through our kids who had met at the homeschool co-op.

 

I had some great friends in my previous location.  One I had met when our kids were in preschool together (many years ago), one I met at the local pool we joined one summer (kids the same age as mine and friends), and two more really good friends I met through the homeschool group.

 

For me, it really has been through the kids but I have stayed friends with the moms long after the kids when in different directions.  That said, my kids were in tons of activities. I met hundreds of moms and came away with about 5 or 6 great friends.  I am very grateful for those few friends but most moms I never did hit it off with. I will say people in my new location are much friendlier than in my old one.

Edited December 18, 2015 by teachermom2834

[teachermom2834]

Truly, this is where my self-doubts rears its ugly head. I can relate to being an "Extrovert-Introvert." I'm really a true introvert, but I like to make connections and I like to befriend people. But it's hard for me to be too assertive about making friends because I become fearful if they don't reciprocate, or if there seems like any sour note happened, or if they are busy next time I ask. They may be actually busy, but I get very much afraid that they are trying to blow me off.

 

I think, ultimately, I really don't like to be vulnerable, so if I'm not 100% confident that the other person is delighted I asked to get together, it's hard for me to press on with it. A lot of my friends stay on this outside edge simply for this reason; I am afraid of rejection.

 

This, exactly.  I posted above about how my friends basically dragged me into the friendship.  I have told them all how grateful I am to them.  The friendships have been amazing but if it had been up to me they never would have happened.  

 

I do just fear the rejection.  I have told myself that obviously some people find me fun and valuable because I have had some great friends - so I shouldn't be so afraid.  Yet, I can't make the leap to be the driver.  It takes a certain kind of energy that I just can't seem to muster.

[marbel]

Oh I thought of something else that has been really important for me.

 

Date for friends outside of your age and circumstance! Many of my best friends have been significantly older than me, and some younger. Single and or childless friends. Different lifestyles in general, etc

 

I think ppl we have less in common with on the surface can be more intimidating, but often that's where the gems are ime.

 

Yes, please do!

 

I was 41 and 42 when I had my kids.  As several people have said, it can be easy to make friends through kid activities.  Most of my good friends are quite a bit younger than me, but we are on the same wavelength because our kids are in similar stages.   But, these friends have all scattered and we are long-distance pals now.

 

Where I live now, I am "targeted" for friendship by women my age, who look at me and think I'll be like them because we're close in age. But I'm not like them!  I still have kids at home, while they are grandmas.  I don't think like a grandma.  I still value their friendship, but without playgroups and such, it's hard to connect with women who have kids in the same stage as mine, and I would like those friendships too. 

 

On a brighter note... my church is heavily populated with graduate students.  Many of them are able to look behind my age and befriend me.  It's so fun to have young friends. 

 

So, yes please, do look outside the box a little bit! 

 

Edited December 18, 2015 by marbel