Teenage girl question

[SquirrellyMama]

Last night my daughter was texting with a boy that a friend of hers is interested in. The boy is also interested in her friend. Parents of both kids are aware of the relationship.

 

Now to my dilemma. My daughter and the boy had probably 40 texts between them. I don't know much of what the conversation was. What I saw was harmless, but I was still uneasy.

 

I talked with her about being careful. This girl is one of her best friends. I truly don't think she sees it as a big deal, that nothing bad can happen. She's young and I'm afraid she won't recognize it if she begins to have stronger feelings for this boy. I would hate to see her friendship destroyed.

 

I know none of this might happen, but I asked her to keep it in the back of her mind.

 

Wwyd? Be gentle with me. This is my first teenager, and I'm feeling some distance between us right now.

 

Kelly

[Joanne]

How old?

You expressed your concern. For a teen, I would say that that is sufficient. From here, let her choices play out. You gave her appropriate info to consider. Escalating it would be age-inappropriate.

 

Also keep in mind that texts are part of teen conversation. It could easily be quite casual and non intimate.

 

 

[teachermom2834]

I have 2 teen boys (17 and 15) so I have been at this for a few years.

 

I consider myself conservative. I am totally not comfortable with teen romantic relationships. I wish the texting, social media, internet didn't exist. I would love to feel like I know everything my kids are doing, etc. I say that just to let you know I am not permissive. I considered myself a disciplinarian when they were younger.

 

That said, as uncomfortable as letting my teens grow up does make me, I try to give alot of leeway. I do alot of telling my concerns and spelling out possible consequences based on my life experiences. I often give an opinion or say "that isn't the choice I would make but it is up to you". Then I really let them make their choice without being mad or disappointed or whatever.

 

I am a worrier and uptight about alot of things but I think teens need freedom with these things for two big reasons. One is just so they can learn and get some life experience. The second is to preserve the relationship so I can keep talking to them about these things. Being to controlling can erode that relationship.

 

My 15 yo got himself in a weird situation with a girl he was texting the other night. He came to me for guidance and I helped him figure out what to do and then reviewed what he could have done differently. It was annoying but I am not upset it happened. He made some mistakes, saw I was there to help him, and hopefully he learned something. They need enough leeway to get into a few jams. I guess that is my philosophy on parenting teens.

 

I would express concerns, explain how the scenario could play out, and let her make her choice. Then be there for her if it goes sour without saying "I told you so".

 

This isn't easy. I would much rather them just let me tell them what to do! Teen years can be hard even with really nice kids. I feel like I never know what issue will come up. It is tiring but I am glad they talk to me.

[SquirrellyMama]

How old?

 

You expressed your concern. For a teen, I would say that that is sufficient. From here, let her choices play out. You gave her appropriate info to consider. Escalating it would be age-inappropriate.

 

Also keep in mind that texts are part of teen conversation. It could easily be quite casual and non intimate.

She's 14. I don't plan on saying more at this point. I agree with everything you said, I'm just worried. I think I'm projecting my teen years on her.

 

I know texting is a conversation, but it is generally a private conversation. That is what had me truly concerned.

 

Kelly

[kewb]

As others have said, you voiced your concerns.  Now you need to let her fly a bit.  Let her know that you are there for her to discuss anything.

On a personal level, I hate the whole social media, texting, snap chatting thing.  It can create all kinds of unnecessary drama. My ds used to get some pretty graphic texts from girls.  Which has led to many a conversation about how you don't put stuff like that in writing.  Too easy for someone to forward.  Too easy for someone to manipulate and forward.  Too easy to create hurt feelings and ruin reputations.

However, that stuff is here to stay and all I can do is teach my kids about the dangers and hope they don't make too many mistakes.  No matter how much I stress these things, they still make mistakes and trust the wrong people.  All part of the growing up process.  Which was painful to live and is painful to watch my teens going through it.

[gardenmom5]

  What I saw was harmless, but I was still uneasy.

 

I talked with her about being careful. This girl is one of her best friends. I truly don't think she sees it as a big deal, that nothing bad can happen. She's young and I'm afraid she won't recognize it if she begins to have stronger feelings for this boy. I would hate to see her friendship destroyed.

 

I know none of this might happen, but I asked her to keep it in the back of her mind.

 

Wwyd? Be gentle with me. This is my first teenager, and I'm feeling some distance between us right now.

 

Kelly

 

follow the mom gut. I would probably require her friend to be involved in any conversation between your dd and her friend's 'bf'.

 

I never dealt with texting teens because my kids didn't have cell phones until they were in college. 

[AK_Mom4]

I'm with you on the young teens and phones - it is a definite learning curve!

 

This is not my first teen - I had already survived three others before DD14 hit the teen years.   I remind my kids (often) that nothing on the internet or a cell phone is truly private.  Don't put things in writing or post pictures that you wouldn't want to have to explain to your grandmother.  Your friend can forward a text or picture to someone else and then everything you said/did is out there as public knowledge.

 

Because we deal with it as a privacy and security issue, our kids have been pretty willing to ask for help when they needed it when navigating text conversations.  Like TM2834, my teens bring the weird stuff to us and we help them deal with it.  One time, this meant showing my teen how to blacklist a phone number so she would not see messages or calls from a person.  Other times, we have helped out with composing replies to help our kid disengage from a conversation without hurting feelings.  

 

I think this stuff is part of growing up with electronics these days.

[regentrude]

I do not understand what the problem is: is she not supposed to have male friends because they are some other girl's boyfriend?

It is perfectly possible to be just friends with a guy without any romantic interest. 40 texts is a medium conversation and quite normal for teens.

My DD chats on skype for hours with certain male friends who are not boyfriends; she is even friends with their girl friends.

I find the notion disturbing that any friendship between girls and boys must be suspected of romantic undertones and would not want to transmit such a viewpoint to my daughter.

 

ETA: As pp pointed out, I would make sure she is aware of texting etiquette, no info ever lost in the internet, don't post pictures you would not want to be out there for everybody to see... but beyond that, her friendships, with people of either genders, are hers to manage.

[Acorn]

I do not understand what the problem is: is she not supposed to have male friends because they are some other girl's boyfriend?

It is perfectly possible to be just friends with a guy without any romantic interest. 40 texts is a medium conversation and quite normal for teens.

My DD chats on skype for hours with certain male friends who are not boyfriends; she is even friends with their girl friends.

I find the notion disturbing that any friendship between girls and boys must be suspected of romantic undertones and would not want to transmit such a viewpoint to my daughter.

 

ETA: As pp pointed out, I would make sure she is aware of texting etiquette, no info ever lost in the internet, don't post pictures you would not want to be out there for everybody to see... but beyond that, her friendships, with people of either genders, are hers to manage.

Well said!

[Prairie~Phlox]

I don't see it as a problem either, my dd actually probably has more male friends than she has female friends, she's 17 and does not want a relationship and I think when teens are homeschooled, their relationships are different than if they were in public school.  They see it as being even, but when people are in school, it's more a boys against girls. 

[SquirrellyMama]

I do not understand what the problem is: is she not supposed to have male friends because they are some other girl's boyfriend?

It is perfectly possible to be just friends with a guy without any romantic interest. 40 texts is a medium conversation and quite normal for teens.

Of course she can have male friends and of course it is perfectly possible to have a guy friend without romantic interest.

 

This child has never had a lot of male friends. She has some male acquaintances. We are friends with a family with boys, and she likes to play board games with the oldest (16). I think it's great.

 

This could all be very harmless, but it could also be an issue. I don't know how it will turn out. That is why I told her to be on her guard. I don't want anyone hurt.

 

I was a very outgoing teenager. I loved to talk to people. I had some instances where I was accused of flirting with friends boyfriends, leading them on, etc...  I had NO romantic interest in these guys, yet I was still accused. I even had a guy I work with come on to me recently. Again, I love talking, joking around, talking, talking, and more talking.

 

I don't want that for her. It sucks! I can't keep her from every mistake, but I'm certainly not going to stand by and not say anything. I'm not going to harp on it, and I didn't last night.

 

I hope this helps you understand where I'm coming from. I'm not against male/female friendships.

 

Kelly

[regentrude]

Of course she can have male friends and of course it is perfectly possible to have a guy friend without romantic interest.

 

This child has never had a lot of male friends. She has some male acquaintances. We are friends with a family with boys, and she likes to play board games with the oldest (16). I think it's great.

 

This could all be very harmless, but it could also be an issue. I don't know how it will turn out. That is why I told her to be on her guard. I don't want anyone hurt.

 

I was a very outgoing teenager. I loved to talk to people. I had some instances where I was accused of flirting with friends boyfriends, leading them on, etc...  I had NO romantic interest in these guys, yet I was still accused. I even had a guy I work with come on to me recently. Again, I love talking, joking around, talking, talking, and more talking.

 

I don't want that for her. It sucks! I can't keep her from every mistake, but I'm certainly not going to stand by and not say anything. I'm not going to harp on it, and I didn't last night.

 

I hope this helps you understand where I'm coming from. I'm not against male/female friendships.

 

Oh I see, that makes sense.

I still think if something like this happens it is not the girl's problem. She (or you) should not have to modify her way of interacting - the person who misconstrues the interaction is the one with the problem. Women should not have to anticipate all possible ways somebody can misinterpret their actions and words and constantly be on guard.

 

 

[Bluegoat]

It can be surprising sometimes how other people interpret male/female relationships.  Friends can get upset at interactions with their romantic interests. 

 

I've met grown women who say their husbands can't have female friends, and they can't have male friends.  It's very weird to me, but I guess its worthwhile to be aware that some people think that way.  And with teens, it is often more a matter of them feeling that way without really thinking it through.

[regentrude]

It can be surprising sometimes how other people interpret male/female relationships.  Friends can get upset at interactions with their romantic interests. 

 

I've met grown women who say their husbands can't have female friends, and they can't have male friends.  It's very weird to me, but I guess its worthwhile to be aware that some people think that way.  And with teens, it is often more a matter of them feeling that way without really thinking it through.

 

I have heard opinions like this on this very board.... In fact, some deny that a friendship without sexual overtones is even possible for adults of different genders. I find that bizarre.

 

[katilac]

I think it's fine to tell her to be aware, but . . . they are teenagers. Old enough to make their own decisions on who they like, young enough to be fickle. I'm not one who thinks it's a huge deal when teens stop being interested in one person and start being interested in their friend, or a mutual friend, instead. 

 

It happens. I'm not clear if the other two are actually going out, or just somewhat sweet on each other? Either way, teens generally break up at some point, and it's often bc of a new interest on someone's part. I tell my teens to obviously never start a new relationship before ending an old one, to end the old one as soon as you become aware of other feelings or flirting, and to have a decent lull between the breakup and the new relationship. 

 

I'm not saying this is what's going to happen based on what you said - all teens text - but I wanted to note that it's not a tragedy if it does. 

[Annie G]

I think I know what you're trying to convey.  As teenagers we probably all knew someone who was just there to listen when a couple was going through a rough patch-  like a girl consoling a guy after he was dumped. And then the more they talked, they realized they were falling for each other.  So it might have started with the girl just trying to get the couple back together or be a sympathetic ear when a couple broke up. Heck, I even know a couple of married couples that happened to. 

 

But that doesn't mean every boy/girl friendship is headed that way.  Maybe the OP has some inking that her dd might be headed that way, like if she's mentioned that the guy is awesome and her friend should appreciate him more, or something like that.  Or maybe there's truly nothing more than friendship- that's the case in the vast majority of cases of girls and boys texting.  

 

OP, I cut you some slack because this is your first foray into teenland from this side of it.  It can be a tough transition- when kids are teens we try to balance letting them make their own mistakes with keeping them from getting hurt or being awful friends.  

 

You did ok- you mentioned it to dd and now you're standing back and letting dd be a teen.   

 

Parenting is not for sissies. Hang on...it's a thrill ride. 

 

 

[kroe1]

When I was in my twenties, I had a really great job that involved lots of business trips, business meals, and business entertainment, golf, etc.. I also had a very wise, nurturing boss. If he had to take a female out to lunch, he would always take a third person. I never saw him deviate from this in the ten years I worked for him.

 

His reason for this self-imposed rule was he never wanted to put his wife on the spot. He knew he would never stray. That was not the issue. But, he never wanted to be seen at a business meal and have someone go back and tell his wife that he was eating dinner with a woman. Now, his wife knew he would never stray also. And, she never required him to follow the no meals alone with a woman rule. But, his act of kindness to his wife was was a great model for my own DH and I.

 

So, I understand why the other poster is worried. At the very least, the girlfriend may have a second of doubt or wonder if her friend is after her boyfriend or vice versa. Why stress a good friendship even if the entire conversation is innocent. The teenage years is as good a time as any to teach boundaries.

[Anne in CA]

Of course she can have male friends and of course it is perfectly possible to have a guy friend without romantic interest.

 

This child has never had a lot of male friends. She has some male acquaintances. We are friends with a family with boys, and she likes to play board games with the oldest (16). I think it's great.

 

This could all be very harmless, but it could also be an issue. I don't know how it will turn out. That is why I told her to be on her guard. I don't want anyone hurt.

 

I was a very outgoing teenager. I loved to talk to people. I had some instances where I was accused of flirting with friends boyfriends, leading them on, etc...  I had NO romantic interest in these guys, yet I was still accused. I even had a guy I work with come on to me recently. Again, I love talking, joking around, talking, talking, and more talking.

 

I don't want that for her. It sucks! I can't keep her from every mistake, but I'm certainly not going to stand by and not say anything. I'm not going to harp on it, and I didn't last night.

 

I hope this helps you understand where I'm coming from. I'm not against male/female friendships.

 

Kelly

I am right there with you that being friendly can be seen as flirting by plenty of people. That said, I bet this will be fine, 40 is not that many for my dd, and her male classmates, especially ones she is partners with for projects.