Teenager with Poor Eating Habits

[Lolly]

So seems like the general vibe so far is that yes, I should just make more food for her (or eat with her) and more easily available. 

 

Is it normal to still have to do that for a 16 yo?  And then won't the same problem still be there like it is for joyofsix's boys?

 

I'll go against the general vibe. First, no it isn't normal for the average 16 yo. It may be normal for your dd, however.  You say she is of normal weight. She is healthy/doesn't get sick more often than normal? If she is getting a regular meal with the family at dinnertime most days, that may be plenty for her. Humans do not actually need 3 square meals a day. I am betting she doesn't have a very high metabolism and simply doesn't get hungry easily. She makes tremendous use of what calories she intakes. I would probably stop bringing junk food into the equation to see what happens when it is not available. Does that make her lose weight? Does it increase her appetite?

[Laura Corin]

I feed my children.  Their teenage brains are going in all kinds of directions, and they know they will live forever, so what does food matter?

 

Hobbes will make himself an omelette, but Calvin will forget food, or just have a bowl of cereal.  I make sure they have a balanced breakfast and, where possible, I make/pack lunches for them.  Then I make them a balanced supper.

[Scarlett]

I'll go against the general vibe. First, no it isn't normal for the average 16 yo. It may be normal for your dd, however. You say she is of normal weight. She is healthy/doesn't get sick more often than normal? If she is getting a regular meal with the family at dinnertime most days, that may be plenty for her. Humans do not actually need 3 square meals a day. I am betting she doesn't have a very high metabolism and simply doesn't get hungry easily. She makes tremendous use of what calories she intakes. I would probably stop bringing junk food into the equation to see what happens when it is not available. Does that make her lose weight? Does it increase her appetite?

With my son he DOES get hungry. If left to his own devices he will not eat though. Unless it is a hot pocket or frozen sausage biscuits. I was buying those frozen sausage biscuits for when he needed something fast. But guess what? He likes them and they are easy enough for him so he would eat a box of 24 minis in 2 days. Not only is that expensive it isn't healthy to eat that much of that kind of food.

 

He is 6'2 and 147 pounds. And his metabolism is quite high. But I swear he would starve to death if left to feed himself. His dad was the same way.

 

A few of my friends are getting our teens together to cook various dishes. I am hoping he will realize cooking isn't that difficult and he might even enjoy it.

[rdj2027]

My 16 year old is like that.  Rail thin but can't be bothered with food.  Unless I put it in front of him, it is something he likes and I insist, he will not eat because it is just too bothersome to pull something out of the fridge let alone heat up.  My 19 and 13 year olds as well as my 11 year old daughter are bottomless pits.  All three will cook a full meal if their fancy strikes them.  #2 dislikes junk food so he I can't even feed him calories with that.  His ideal nutrition is absorption through air because even swallowing a pill is too much work. Yes, we are having him evaluated for eating disorders but so far none have been found.  The last idea the pediatrician and neuropsychologist had was that it is a side effect of his ADD Inattentive which can cause suppressed appetite.

[J-rap]

 

 

Most of us who were raised to eat real food eventually came around. Those who were not, never did.

 

 

Yes, I think this is definitely true!  I remember eating my token one pea at mealtime as a kid, but now I love veggies.  :)

 

In fact, I think this model works for a lot of things!  Not just eating.

[Scarlett]

My 16 year old is like that. Rail thin but can't be bothered with food. Unless I put it in front of him, it is something he likes and I insist, he will not eat because it is just too bothersome to pull something out of the fridge let alone heat up. My 19 and 13 year olds as well as my 11 year old daughter are bottomless pits. All three will cook a full meal if their fancy strikes them. #2 dislikes junk food so he I can't even feed him calories with that. His ideal nutrition is absorption through air because even swallowing a pill is too much work. Yes, we are having him evaluated for eating disorders but so far none have been found. The last idea the pediatrician and neuropsychologist had was that it is a side effect of his ADD Inattentive which can cause suppressed appetite.

Ds15 got up and ate a yogurt. And then came and asked me to make him a peanut butter sandwich. Instead I made him 3 eggs, a bagel with cream cheese and big glass of whole milk. I will make him a PB& h for a snack in 2 hours and he can have a hot pocket for lunch. But it f I don't follow though and set it in front of him he would not eat. I think he leans over n the ADHD side too.

[regentrude]

I've decided that their subconscious is telling me that they need one area in life where it still feels like someone is nurturing them in some way. Meals are an obvious place for this feeling to go, especially in our family as meals at the table were a thrice-daily family event during their entire childhood. So I'm cooking, and packing lunches, and handing people food, long past the time when they did learn to do it for themselves.

This.

I fondly remember my dad fixing me breakfast all the way through high school.  Sure, I could have made my own warm oatmeal, but he did it for me, and we sat together while we ate.

I came home after school to a warm lunch cooked by my grandmother, and we sat together while we ate.

Family dinner was traditionally sandwiches (each made our own) and maybe a salad which mom prepared, and we all sat together while we ate.

 

Food is about so  much more than nutrition.

I want my kids to associate meals not only with calories and vitamins and nutrients, but also with companionship and love.

I cook my DS breakfast. He certainly can throw bacon and eggs in a pan, but it is a way to show caring. There is but a very short time for me to still do these small gestures, but from my own experience I know that these will stay as memories.

[Trish]

 So seems like the general vibe so far is that yes, I should just make more food for her (or eat with her) and more easily available. 

 

Is it normal to still have to do that for a 16 yo?  And then won't the same problem still be there like it is for joyofsix's boys?

 

I get that a 16-year-old should be mature enough to feed him/herself. I also get the temptation to allow Natural Consquences. (you go hungry) But for an unmotivated teen, you get a result like what you're seeing. Also I won't speculate as to whether an eating disorder could be involved because there just isn't enough information to know.

 

But I'll suggest a change in perspective. How valuable is a child's health? I'd argue ANYONE's health is a valuable enough commodity to devote time/attention to keeping it. Second, what if this child had an actual dietary/health issue? Many parents put significant effort into feeding kids who have various issues/intolerances. Does this child deserve any less attention because her issue is one of (interest? motivation? opportunity?) than something specific like diabetes or gluten intolerance?

 

Next, she's 16. You have TWO years left where you can make a significant difference. Do you want to waste them hoping she'll notice she's hungry, or allowing her to Nutritionally Fail in order to teach her a lesson? One whose consequence might be ACTUAL health issues?

 

Please note I'm not trying to scold you or alarm you -- I have one child who's difficult to feed also! I'm trying to construct a Motivational Paragraph that will allow you to look at this from a different point of view. True, you may or may not succeed in changing this child's eating habits as an adult. But you CAN affect them now, and you can at least give her the best foundation possible. So, find some things that are easy to make and make them. Find things that are easy for HER to make, and ask her to make them for you and other family members!

 

Maybe have a once or twice monthly How To Cook session -- start simple and work your way up. Why? LIFE SKILLS. You never know when you may have to "cook for yourself or others." Heck, she may even have KIDS one day! You'll be doing a favor for your grandkids if she knows how to cook a few things. It took me a long time to get certain things right (mashed potatoes!). Practice, practice, practice.

 

If my 16-year-old was routinely going to bed at 2 a.m., I'd intervene. Why? Good sleep is required for good health. If my 16-year-old was subsisting on peanuts and humidity, I'd intervene. Same reason.

 

I would not punish. I'd be there to help. Maybe ask for her input on this, too. 

 

You have TWO YEARS. 

 

Use them as the blessing they are.

 

Good luck!

[AimeeM]

I"m not sure how you could be more strict with a 16 year old... at least not without building serious resentment. 

Honestly, it sounds like she just isn't much of an eater, and when she does eat, she goes for "quick". Can you stock "easy-to-grab" type decent foods like yogurt and granola? 

I don't eat breakfast generally; I rarely eat lunch. I graze throughout the day. According to my doctor, that is perfectly healthy, assuming what you're grazing on isn't entirely junk. I'm just not one for several large meals a day. 

[Pam in CT]

You know, I'm really grateful for this thread, because Tibbie and regentrude have helped me to re-frame a low-level exasperation with my 16 yo son (along the lines of, good grief, you are old enough to know enough to put reasonable nutrition into your 6'1 frame even if I don't place the plate in front of your face) into something much more positive and representative of how I actually feel towards him (something more like, you're getting so old that I don't have many ways left to show you how much I love you, so I'm happy to prepare this plate for you).

 

I remember when my eldest daughter was 11 or 12, my mother expressed surprise and maybe a smidge of disapproval (?) that I still fixed her hair for her most mornings.  She certainly was old enough to be capable of doing it herself.  But her hair was (and is) so thick and gorgeous, and she was otherwise in a sort of prickly phase with me, and doing her hair was one thing she still let me (asked me) to do that was a way of connecting with her... and I loved to do it.

 

Because of this thread, I hereby resolve to think of feeding my son in similar terms...

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 

Food is about so  much more than nutrition.

I want my kids to associate meals not only with calories and vitamins and nutrients, but also with companionship and love.

 

This.  I don't really like cooking only for myself.  I like to cook for others because of the communal aspect of food.  I also like to eat with others for the same reason.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't know if one SHOULD, but fwiw my husband operates this way because he hates to cook.  She may hate to cook or prepare food.  Junk is usually easier.

 

When I don't feel like cooking or preparing food, I too resort to junk unfortunately.

 

 

[Tsuga]

Because I never had access to that stuff? Honestly, I had no $$ to purchase it, took my lunch. I probably would have if I could have but....other than at someone's party or something I didn't eat junk. I probably drank too much coffee though. When I think of when they let me start to drink coffee. Oy.

We had jobs. Of course none of our parents gave us $. We worked! Heck, how do you think my kindergartener buys from the ice cream truck? She does extra landscaping for us on top of her regular unpaid chores.

 

Yes, apparently we preferred lifeguarding, babysitting, landscaping, waiting tables, etc. To, you know, cooking with ingredients our parents so lovingly supplied.

 

No worries, we grew up and now most of us make and freeze our own spaghetti sauce, make our own biscuits and pie crusts, etc.

 

ETA that sounds so snarky and I'm sorry. Point was meant to be, we were and are irrational, and it wasn't that our parents didn't try or that they had crap around the house. Generally that was not the case.

[imagine.more]

Yes, this plus the low food motivation = not eating.

 

That's kind of ridiculous though, isn't it? Too lazy to eat?

I think it could be normal. I know for me I can't be bothered to make myself food. I lost 10lbs one summer because I was living all on my own in college and was broke. Food is just not motivating enough to me to prioritize beyond the minimum. I eat when I start feeling dizzy which could be 2 hours or 10 hours depending on the time of day, what I'm doing, and mostly my blood sugar levels I think.

 

I'm 30 and I'd happily live on sandwiches and lipton noodles with occasional chicken or beef added. I know that's not exactly nutritious for the kids so I meal plan and make the grocery list and my husband cooks and so we all eat :)

 

I think as long as you're sure she's getting a good dinner with the family I wouldn't worry. Maybe keep easy breakfast options around like carnation instant breakfast or oatmeal.

[6packofun]

You know, I'm really grateful for this thread, because Tibbie and regentrude have helped me to re-frame a low-level exasperation with my 16 yo son (along the lines of, good grief, you are old enough to know enough to put reasonable nutrition into your 6'1 frame even if I don't place the plate in front of your face) into something much more positive and representative of how I actually feel towards him (something more like, you're getting so old that I don't have many ways left to show you how much I love you, so I'm happy to prepare this plate for you).

 

 

I'm struggling to get there!  lol  I feel like I'm failing as a mom in not preparing dd17 to take CARE of HERSELF!  I don't mind preparing food as a way to nurture her for 1-2 more years at home, but I will be miserable knowing that she is not eating properly in her dorm or apartment when she leaves!  And how can she not be responsible for her own laziness and an extremely picky attitude towards food?  This dd suffers from migraines, too, and I wonder if her eating habits are partly to blame!   Ugh.  This is my most responsible daughter in everything else so I want to cut her some slack but not at the expense of her health, kwim?  :(

 

This thread has certainly helped me a great deal in not feeling alone, though.  LOL

[Caribbean Queen]

 

We have talked about that part of being a responsible adult is taking care of your body, and taking care of your body means feeding it fuel that is appropriate.  We have tried education (healthy foods, what the body needs, effects of junk food, etc.)

 

 

While it's good for kids to know why we do things, telling them why is not much help in establishing habits.

Every day at, oh, say, 7:30, tell her to eat, and see that she does. 

Then move to hinting at 7:30, "What should you do now?" Then make sure she eats.

She'll go along with it because she's not opposed to eating, she just forgets to do it on her own, right? 

 

Be scrupulously consistent.

No letting things slide, skipping a day, giving a break, or forgetting.

 

 Sometimes she ...says she will make something else.  Usually she doesn't follow through and ends up not eating.  

 

See her eat.  See her dirty dishes.  Ask her if she ate.  Do something.  Do it daily.  There's a saying, "Don't expect what you don't inspect."

 

"I shouldn't have to do this!" you might say.  I agree.  But you have the child you have.  She needs to eat on a schedule, automatically, out of habit.  And she needs help to get into the habit.