Who DOES this?! (vent)

[Chris in VA]

Thanks for the input.

[Gil]

"Oh, hey we missed you at the park. We spent several minutes looking for you before your DD told us you had left. I know that you weren't an official chaperone or anything but in the future could you please let a teacher or even just one of the adults know that your leaving us? We'd really appreciate it and it helps to have clear communication about everyones whereabouts. Thanks."

[Southern Ivy]

I would address it as a safety concern in addition to what the pp stated. 
They had their child, then left her. You did not know they left. So, what if the child had gone missing? She probably would have been left, as you probably would have assumed the child had been taken home by the parent. 

We just had a field trip and the parents always tell us when they leave - or they sign their kids out and take the kids home. What those parents did was a bit reckless/thoughtless. I'm glad you noticed the little girl. That's nuts. 

[Peaceful Isle]

Wow! When I taught at a private school, I never had this happen at field trips, and my students were twice her age. How can a parent expect a 4 year old ( I have one) to tell the teacher something, and maybe be left by mistake, or who knows! She is only 4!

 

I would be extremely upset too. Maybe you could send a letter home, nicely explaining school policy of not leaving a school activity, without the teacher being notified, so she/ he could be properly taken care of.

That way, you can sound sweet, and nice on paper, yet get your point across in writing. I would keep a copy of the letter, justincase the parents do this again.

[school17777]

I like what Gil suggested.

[Anne in CA]

OMG, I don't even know if the word livid would cover it for me. FWIW, my dh totally might have done this, though. He is just that clueless sometimes. I would have told EVERYONE and made sure she was holding the hand of an adult before I would have left, but DH might have done something similar. He gets annoyed at the kids for being that way, but he is the one they get it from, lol.

[Tsuga]

My suggestion is to send a message to the entire group stating the policy as a general rule and the reasons behind it. Particularly if you're frustrated, this prevents other people from making the same mistake in the future, and will not require you to face them personally.

 

I'm sorry that happened, but it doesn't sound that out there. They probably thought that you guys had the kids, so as far as their presence went, they could come and go as they pleased, since she was in school. I would probably tell the teacher, but I don't think it's that out there to see it differently.

[Chris in VA]

I like what Gil said, too, and will probably use that.

 

 

[EmseB]

I would have told someone if I were leaving and it seems weird that they didn't, but they probably assumed that since all kids rode there on the bus that all the kids would be going back to school on the bus.

 

ETA: Was this a field trip where some kids went home with their parents?  Or was it understood that if the parents were there then the school no longer had responsibility for them?  I would make sure that policy (whatever it is) is clear to all participants, because they probably assumed that even if they were there that the school was still responsible for the kids as long as it was a school day.

 

ETAA: I definitely remember field trips where my parents could come, but it was made very clear that all kids still had to ride back to school on the bus, and the reason was to prevent kids from getting left behind.  If parents could just show up and take the kids home with them it could become a really chaotic mess with parents thinking kids went back to school and the school thinking the parents had the kids.

 

The more I think about the scenario in the OP, the less I really fault the parents unless it was made clear to them that the school was no longer responsible for getting their child home after they showed up.  It is a bit weird, but if their daughter was left with the group of school kids she came with, then it doesn't seem like a huge deal that they would leave.

[Chris in VA]

I would have told someone if I were leaving and it seems weird that they didn't, but they probably assumed that since all kids rode there on the bus that all the kids would be going back to school on the bus.

 

ETA: Was this a field trip where some kids went home with their parents?  Or was it understood that if the parents were there then the school no longer had responsibility for them?  I would make sure that policy (whatever it is) is clear to all participants, because they probably assumed that even if they were there that the school was still responsible for the kids as long as it was a school day.

 

We didn't know if they wanted their child to ride the bus back--of course, not being there, it would be obvious they did, but they didn't say anything. There were children whose parents took them home straight from the trip.

 

It wasn't only the ride home, though; the thing was, we were not done with the trip, and each child had a specific person who was responsible for that child as we walked around. Each parent that was there was watching their own child, and the two official chaperones had another child, too. So when a parent suddenly leaves without warning, there's no one specifically watching. Now, we are vigilant, so we caught it almost right away. It was no trouble to have her walk with us--she's lovely. But with lots of other schools there, other classes, etc--it could have turned out differently. Kids without any eyes on them on a field trip with 5 other buses of kids milling around could easily start following another group or just stay behind to watch an extra minute--they turn around and the class is gone, and all the adults think someone else has the child, because each adult has the one or two THEY are responsible for.

 

 

Maybe they don't know how field trips work--hmmm.

Thanks for giving me that to think on.

 

ETA: We were not all walking as a class during the walking around part. And yes, I do count constantly, not just getting on and off the bus.

[73349]

N/M - cross-posted with the post above.

[Wildcat]

Gil's response is perfect. I, however, would be saying it through clenched teeth. :lol:

[EmseB]

We didn't know if they wanted their child to ride the bus back--of course, not being there, it would be obvious they did, but they didn't say anything. There were children whose parents took them home straight from the trip.

 

It wasn't only the ride home, though; the thing was, we were not done with the trip, and each child had a specific person who was responsible for that child as we walked around. Each parent that was there was watching their own child, and the two official chaperones had another child, too. So when a parent suddenly leaves without warning, there's no one specifically watching. Now, we are vigilant, so we caught it almost right away. It was no trouble to have her walk with us--she's lovely. But with lots of other schools there, other classes, etc--it could have turned out differently. Kids without any eyes on them on a field trip with 5 other buses of kids milling around could easily start following another group or just stay behind to watch an extra minute--they turn around and the class is gone, and all the adults think someone else has the child, because each adult has the one or two THEY are responsible for.

 

 

Maybe they don't know how field trips work--hmmm.

Thanks for giving me that to think on.

 

ETA: We were not all walking as a class during the walking around part. And yes, I do count constantly, not just getting on and off the bus.

 

This honestly sounds like a recipe to lose a child.  I would not know all of these expectations as a parent unless they were clearly spelled out to me.  Now if it was spelled out to them that they, not the chaperones or school, were responsible for the whereabouts of their child during the entire field trip, then they were obviously negligent.  If, however, they thought that they were just showing up to have a fun outing with their kid who was still technically the responsibility of the school then what they did makes some sense.  Especially if they left her eating with the entire class.

 

I think the school needs to be really, really clear about who has responsibility for all the children during the entire field trip.  Busing them all there and letting some go off with parents, some have chaperones, and then letting parents take some home and bussing some of the kids back and having parents who might need to go back to work or can't stay the whole time...etc, etc...is setting everyone up to have a child go missing or get left behind.  Even if you are counting constantly, you can't get an accurate count if some kids are allowed to go home with others and some are coming back with you.

[Word Nerd]

I would *not* send a message to the whole group. It's obnoxious when passive leaders scold the whole group and remind them about group policies instead of speaking directly to the one person or family who disregarded them. If you want to do a general group reminder before the next field trip, fine, but it would be passive-aggressive to take that tack now instead of talking directly to these parents.

[zoobie]

I'd let the director address it and encourage policy changes.

[EmseB]

I would *not* send a message to the whole group. It's obnoxious when passive leaders scold the whole group and remind them about group policies instead of speaking directly to the one person or family who disregarded them. If you want to do a general group reminder before the next field trip, fine, but it would be passive-aggressive to take that tack now instead of talking directly to these parents.

 

This is assuming there is an official policy that was disregarded.  They may need to establish one and send it out to everyone that even if you aren't an official chaperone that you are responsible for your own child if you attend field trips with them.

[happi duck]

They should have said something to you.

 

However, I have never heard of a school field trip being handled this way and can imagine the confusion. (I taught in public school.)

[Daria]

As a teacher, I would have been livid.

 

When I used to work in preschool, I had parents sign up to chaperone, and then announce when we were leaving the place that they had to get back to work.  We generally travelled by public transportation, and it made me so angry.  I was always very careful to sort out chaperone plans so that the kids who needed to actually be holding someone's hand weren't assigned to a group with two other kids who needed the same thing.  To suddenly have to sort out new arrangements of kids while standing at a bus stop on the side of the road, or worse yet a subway platform, is challenging.  To do it while also dealing with the kid who is crying because mommy just left, is doubly hard.  

 

The first time it happened, I was shocked, because it didn't occur to me it would happen.  The second time a parent asked "OK if I hop on the train going the other way?", I actually had the gall to respond "No, I'm sorry, our safety plan depends on these ratios."  After that, I started putting it on the field trip announcements, and reminding parents before we left the premises of my expectations.

 

And that's parents leaving after telling me goodbye.  To leave without letting me know?  

[Chris in VA]

This honestly sounds like a recipe to lose a child.  I would not know all of these expectations as a parent unless they were clearly spelled out to me.  Now if it was spelled out to them that they, not the chaperones or school, were responsible for the whereabouts of their child during the entire field trip, then they were obviously negligent.  If, however, they thought that they were just showing up to have a fun outing with their kid who was still technically the responsibility of the school then what they did makes some sense.  Especially if they left her eating with the entire class.

 

I think the school needs to be really, really clear about who has responsibility for all the children during the entire field trip.  Busing them all there and letting some go off with parents, some have chaperones, and then letting parents take some home and bussing some of the kids back and having parents who might need to go back to work or can't stay the whole time...etc, etc...is setting everyone up to have a child go missing or get left behind.  Even if you are counting constantly, you can't get an accurate count if some kids are allowed to go home with others and some are coming back with you.

 

The other teacher and I had responsibility for the children who were not there with their parents, except for the two bus-riding chaperones, who had responsibility for one additional child each (children whose parents also were not there).

 

You are making a good point, however, that we need to be crystal-clear about who has responsibility for whom during the field trip. That may not have been clear. This is the first year these parents have been in preschool--and they had other issues, too. Perhaps I am letting some of that cloud my feelings on this, as in, I'm already slightly annoyed at them for past and ongoing (mostly small) issues.

 

I cannot, however, concede that a parent should feel comfortable not saying anything and disappearing.

 

We did make it clear, both in writing and in person, that parents MUST inform the teacher if they were going to take their child home directly from the trip and the child would not be returning to the bus. But that was not the case here.

 

I am glad I only have 10 in my class.

 

[Bluegoat]

I don't think it was that odd - IMO the problem was the way it was set up, not the parents.  If it isn't clear who has responsibility for the kids, things like this will inevitably happen. 

 

If it was a school trip with the school responsible for the students, the parents who were not official chaperones who were required to stay and meet timings should not have been allowed to go off away from the rest of the group at all.  I that isn't going to work than I would say dont allow extra parents on the trips.

[Bluegoat]

As a teacher, I would have been livid.

 

When I used to work in preschool, I had parents sign up to chaperone, and then announce when we were leaving the place that they had to get back to work.  We generally travelled by public transportation, and it made me so angry.  I was always very careful to sort out chaperone plans so that the kids who needed to actually be holding someone's hand weren't assigned to a group with two other kids who needed the same thing.  To suddenly have to sort out new arrangements of kids while standing at a bus stop on the side of the road, or worse yet a subway platform, is challenging.  To do it while also dealing with the kid who is crying because mommy just left, is doubly hard.  

 

The first time it happened, I was shocked, because it didn't occur to me it would happen.  The second time a parent asked "OK if I hop on the train going the other way?", I actually had the gall to respond "No, I'm sorry, our safety plan depends on these ratios."  After that, I started putting it on the field trip announcements, and reminding parents before we left the premises of my expectations.

 

And that's parents leaving after telling me goodbye.  To leave without letting me know?  

 

But it sounds to me that these parents weren't actually official chaperones.  They were just extra parents following in a car.

 

[Chris in VA]

Actually, now that I think on it, this particular family had two parents, and one WAS an official chaperone. The only reason the parent didn't ride the bus was because we had room for only two extra adults per class. The other parent had the sibling and drove.

 

The school assumes (and there is a problem, the assumption) that when a parent is around, the child is the parent's responsibility. Essentially, the parents are the chaperones of their own children. Sometimes they may get another child, too--but sometimes not. The way I phrased it in the OP was misleading, maybe. I called the chaps that rode the bus "official" when really, all the parents who come are official chaperones. They just didn't have another child except their own.

 

You have given me a lot to think on, and I appreciate it (and have calmed down, thanks to you help).

 

I will speak with my director next week to suggest she review the policy and clarify things next time.

 

I do appreciate your thoughts.

[EmseB]

The other teacher and I had responsibility for the children who were not there with their parents, except for the two bus-riding chaperones, who had responsibility for one additional child each (children whose parents also were not there).

 

You are making a good point, however, that we need to be crystal-clear about who has responsibility for whom during the field trip. That may not have been clear. This is the first year these parents have been in preschool--and they had other issues, too. Perhaps I am letting some of that cloud my feelings on this, as in, I'm already slightly annoyed at them for past and ongoing (mostly small) issues.

 

I cannot, however, concede that a parent should feel comfortable not saying anything and disappearing.

 

We did make it clear, both in writing and in person, that parents MUST inform the teacher if they were going to take their child home directly from the trip and the child would not be returning to the bus. But that was not the case here.

 

I am glad I only have 10 in my class.

 

 

So, since they didn't notify you in writing, their assumption is that their child would be returning on the bus with the class, right?  And they left their daughter eating with her entire class?  Where there were two "official" chaperones plus two other teachers?  It just doesn't seem that out of bounds to me.  It seems confusing for you and the other people in charge, but it doesn't seem like something to be lividly angry over.

 

I think they should have at least said good-bye, and I'm sorry they are difficult to work with.  It just seems like, from what you've been saying that in this instance I would give them the benefit of the doubt that they thought you all were in charge of her and they were not chaperones or there on any capacity except to enjoy the outing.

 

ETA: you posted while I was writing this, so...nevermind!

[snowbeltmom]

 

The school assumes (and there is a problem, the assumption) that when a parent is around, the child is the parent's responsibility.

 

Fwiw, this was not the policy at the school my kids attended.  Unless a parent was an official chaperone, the parent was not responsible for their child.  In fact, the child had to remain with his class at all times during the field trip and was not permitted to go off with his parent. 

 

The school also required the kids to return to school with his class at the conclusion of the field trip, and parents were required to pick their kids up from the school even if they had been at the field trip.

 

ETA: The parents' actions would have been considered appropriate at my kids' school.

 

ETA 2:  Sorry, I didn't catch the fact that one of them was an official chaperone!  That would not have been considered appropriate at all at my kids' school, either.

[vonfirmath]

My suggestion is to send a message to the entire group stating the policy as a general rule and the reasons behind it. Particularly if you're frustrated, this prevents other people from making the same mistake in the future, and will not require you to face them personally.

 

I'm sorry that happened, but it doesn't sound that out there. They probably thought that you guys had the kids, so as far as their presence went, they could come and go as they pleased, since she was in school. I would probably tell the teacher, but I don't think it's that out there to see it differently.

 

Agreed. If I was at a field trip as a tag-along parent (not one of the official chaperones) and the teacher was busy. I'd make sure my child was with the group and leave and not think twice that I didn't "check out". 

 

If I was taking my kid with me? I would DEFINITELY make sure the teacher knew. The teacher is responsible for the location of that child and needs to know that information.

 

[Chris in VA]

Fwiw, this was not the policy at the school my kids attended.  Unless a parent was an official chaperone, the parent was not responsible for their child.  In fact, the child had to remain with his class at all times during the field trip and was not permitted to go off with his parent. 

 

The school also required the kids to return to school with his class at the conclusion of the field trip, and parents were required to pick their kids up from the school even if they had been at the field trip.

 

ETA: The parents' actions would have been considered appropriate at my kids' school.

 

This might be the way we do it from now on, IDK.

 

I used the word, "official" incorrectly. All the parents who came WERE "official" chaperones of their own child. I just said official to indicate the chaperone rode the bus and could take care of another child, too.

 

ETA: OK, I keep screwing this up--official chaperones can't bring their own sibling-child (the sib to the student), but that only means they can't be looking after another child OTHER THAN THEIR OWN.

[happi duck]

Re new info:

Official chaperones definitely can't leave a field trip!

[Reflections]

I can't ever imagine that MY child is ever NOT my responsibility.  Whether I am an official chaperone or not.  No one would have to spell it out to me  or have me provide in writing that my child is my responsibility.

 

I've been on plenty of field trips (you know, before I was a homeschooler) and never not once did I leave without telling my child's teacher that I was leaving.  And honestly, I never - not once - left until my child and the whole class was back at the starting point - the school most of the time. 

 

OP, I too would be livid and horrified if a parent just left.

 

 

[Bluegoat]

This might be the way we do it from now on, IDK.

 

I used the word, "official" incorrectly. All the parents who came WERE "official" chaperones of their own child. I just said official to indicate the chaperone rode the bus and could take care of another child, too.

 

ETA: OK, I keep screwing this up--official chaperones can't bring their own sibling-child (the sib to the student), but that only means they can't be looking after another child OTHER THAN THEIR OWN.

 

This still seems confusing to me - I would never consider myself to be a chaperone of my own child.  Isn't that just a bunch of people at an event together?  If that is the case that the parent is the responsibility of the child, why would you need to look out for the child at all?

 

I know some schools just have chaperones who are, essentially, acting as school volunteers and are responsible for all like the teachers are, and no other parents are even allowed to come.  I think this sort of thing is part the reason why - it makes it very unclear who is responsible for what, and who is in charge, and what the chain of command looks like.

[Daria]

Agreed. If I was at a field trip as a tag-along parent (not one of the official chaperones) and the teacher was busy. I'd make sure my child was with the group and leave and not think twice that I didn't "check out". 

 

If I was taking my kid with me? I would DEFINITELY make sure the teacher knew. The teacher is responsible for the location of that child and needs to know that information.

 

I can't really imagine leaving my preschool kid anywhere without letting an adult know that my kid was there and I wasn't there to watch them.  

 

When we did field trips the "rule" is that kids need to stay in eye shot of a staff.  In reality, sometimes parents wander off with their own kid, which is annoying as hell.  But it happens so frequently that if I notice a kid and their parent both missing, the alarm bells don't go off in the same way that they do if I count and I'm just missing a kid whose parent isn't there.  

 

If you leave, and then your kid wanders off to look for you, or whatever, then there's going to be a delay before the teacher realizes they aren't with you and starts looking.  Why would you risk that when you could simply say "good bye"?

[EmseB]

I can't really imagine leaving my preschool kid anywhere without letting an adult know that my kid was there and I wasn't there to watch them.  

 

I probably wouldn't either.

 

However, I can see how someone might operate under a different assumption if their child was sitting at a table with the rest of their class, with two other teachers and two chaperones who rode on the bus with my child and I arrived separately.

 

However, the fact that at least one of the parents signed up as an official chaperone for the trip makes this whole thing much different.  In that case, I wouldn't leave because I'd be responsible for not only my child, but I'd also be a part of the school group that is in charge of all the kids on the trip.  It is baffling that an official chaperone would just up and leave.  In that case, I'd directly tell the person that was supposed to be chaperoning that I appreciated that they volunteered, but in the future they really needed to let the teachers know if they could not attend the whole field trip or if they were leaving the premises.

 

If you leave, and then your kid wanders off to look for you, or whatever, then there's going to be a delay before the teacher realizes they aren't with you and starts looking.  Why would you risk that when you could simply say "good bye"?

 

 

I would say that this a huge (general) risk of having various groups of children and parents with no central requirement to stay together in the first place.  What if a kid runs ahead a little bit to talk to a teacher and the parent sees they are with a teacher and takes their eyes off for a minute to chat with another parent?  Then the kid tries to run back, but mom's not where the kid remembers?  And the parent thinks the kid is with the teacher and the teacher thinks, hey, his mom is here, no big deal.

 

I can think of a zillion scenarios where this can go wrong, and the school is most likely going to be held at least somewhat liable if a kid goes missing unless they have made things crystal clear in writing (signed by the parents) and verbally several times.  Even then, the scenario described in the OP seems confusing at best.

[vonfirmath]

I can't really imagine leaving my preschool kid anywhere without letting an adult know that my kid was there and I wasn't there to watch them.  

 

When we did field trips the "rule" is that kids need to stay in eye shot of a staff.  In reality, sometimes parents wander off with their own kid, which is annoying as hell.  But it happens so frequently that if I notice a kid and their parent both missing, the alarm bells don't go off in the same way that they do if I count and I'm just missing a kid whose parent isn't there.  

 

If you leave, and then your kid wanders off to look for you, or whatever, then there's going to be a delay before the teacher realizes they aren't with you and starts looking.  Why would you risk that when you could simply say "good bye"?

 

If I left, I'd tell my kid I was leaving so they would be no more prone to wander off looking for me than they would when I left them at the school in the morning in the first place.

 

*shrug* If I'm not an official chaperone, then I'd try to say good bye but I would not want to interfere/get in the way by doing so when the teacher was busy with something else.

 

However, the situation here is very different from any field trip I've been on. Such as allowing siblings to come along. I have gone to one field trip where we had to transport ourselves (And they went to a park, and then the theater. I asked and got permission to meet them at the theater -- if they had needed me at the park as well I'd have gone there. But as it turns out they did not)  At the theater the teacher did have us pair up with our kids, but I did not assume that would be the case nor would I just assume because I was on the field trip it was to be in charge of my own particular kid. As this particular field trip went, I was prepared to stay and wait until the bus was loaded and kids were on it but the teacher waved the parents off. Us parents were distracting the kids and it was easier for her if we just went. The class was all together as a group and the parents left.

 

[Guest mauolaidom]

She probably would have been left, as you probably would have assumed the child had been taken home by the parent.