When to tell?

[AnnE-girl]

I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of baby #3 being on the way, but now I'm trying to decide when we should tell people, especially DS and DD. I might have to tell my karate instructor before class tomorrow because I'm not comfortable doing partner punching practice. It's probably fine, but I'd rather be cautious. I feel like I should tell my parents before telling that. Somehow telling strangers on the internet doesn't quite count as telling people IRL :-)

 

But then there's when to tell the kids. I'm only 4.5 weeks, I think. I don't have a history of miscarriage, but if it were to happen, I'm not sure I want to put them through that. At the same time, they're 8 and 6 and pretty perceptive if something did go wrong. If we told them early, at least they'd have the happy excited time. I also believe that a baby is a baby, no matter how early, so I wouldn't want to just pretend this baby didn't exist if something happened.

 

Another consideration with telling family is that I am running (probably more walking now) a half marathon when I will be 10 weeks. This will really worry my grandmother, but I'm not sure I can get through Easter with extended family without someone at least figuring it out if I'm not partaking in mimosas or bloody marys.

So what have you done?

[wapiti]

With my surprise #6, I waited as long as possible.  Around 15 weeks, my dd (then 7) asked something to the effect of "mommy will you always have this belly?  I thought you said it would go away."  :glare:   So I told the kids.  The next day, I happened to have a phone conference with one of my kids' teachers, who offered her congratulations.  She had heard from one of the other teachers who heard from someone else who had heard from one of the kids that I was pregnant.

 

In short, my kids were young and therefore had big mouths.  Telling them was the same thing as telling the whole world.  Just something to keep in mind!

[Slache]

Congratulations!!!

 

I know children who have lost in-utero siblings. They were fine and a comfort to their mother, but I totally understand *not* wanting to put them through that.

 

Can you run a marathon pregnant safely? You don't have to answer me, it just sounds so hard on your body that I would think (in my ignorance) that it's a bad idea.

 

I'm gonna get yelled at for this, but if you have a glass of mimosa the baby will be ok.

 

We told people about John when I was 2 weeks, and we waited with Mary until I was 3 months because we feared that John would be devastated if we lost her. No regrets.

[PeachyDoodle]

We waited until 14 weeks with dd so we could surprise everyone at Christmas. It was really important to me to have that big surprise, but keeping it from my mom wasn't as hard as I thought it might be, even though I saw her once a week at least. We told with ds at about 10 weeks. We took dd out for lunch and told her there, then visited our parents in the afternoon. I did have to tell my boss early both times, because of prenatal visits and whatnot, but I didn't feel bad about that since it wasn't like I was making an announcement.

 

Can you manage to get yourself a virgin mimosa (aka, glass of OJ) without anybody noticing? That might buy you a couple of extra weeks, if it would make you more comfortable. Otherwise, I think whatever you do will work out just fine in the end.

[brehon]

I'm with wapiti. Only my dh knew with our surprise one (#6, too!) for a long time. We finally told the kids when my eldest - then 11 - came right out and asked if I was pregnant. We weren't planning on telling anyone for even longer; however, I received a call a few days later from my mom asking if I had anything to tell her. Turns out my eldest has a big mouth. 😃

 

Whatever you decide will be fine. Just keep in mind that loose lips spill the beans, to mix metaphors.

 

Congrats!

[catz]

I know many women who have run longer races more pregnant than 10 weeks.  If you are trained for that and feel fine going into it, I would have no problem doing with it.  I ran into my first pregnancy until I had problems (which had absolutely to do with working out - I had a large fibroid).  If anyone nagged you about it, I would point them to any of the many scientific studies that say exercise is fine during pregnancy and tell them to pass the cheese dip. 

 

We generally waited until after the first tri to spread the word.  I did not drink first semester and no one really seemed to notice.  Everyone's different that way.

[Word Nerd]

Congratulations! I don't think there's a right or wrong here. You could wait to share the news if you prefer, but you could also play it by ear and tell sooner if it comes up in conversation naturally. 

 

I told family pretty early on with my first DD—practically as soon as I found out. With my second, I waited until Christmas to tell my family, and I was only 4 or 5 weeks at the time. I didn't know that DH had already told BIL in passing because he didn't know it was supposed to be a secret, so my sister already knew and was just waiting for me to share the news. At least my mom was surprised by my announcement that incorporated a stocking made from a teeny tiny baby sock.

[sassenach]

I would feel totally fine telling my instructor before my family, as long as the instructor could be trusted to keep their mouth shut. Most of them can be, I think. If not, I would say that I'm not feeling up to doing that exercise.

[Guest]

I try to wait as long as possible but frequently end up having to spill the beans due to situations like your martial arts issue or because people ask probing questions in a way I cannot answer without pretty much outright lying. That happened to both me and my husband this time, three days after I got my positive. So we figured it was supposed to happen that way :D

 

My general rule, however, is once I tell the kids to expect the whole world to know five minutes later. So I have often told adult confidantes or family before my children, just in case they'd spread it around where I didn't want the news going. They've never seemed offended that they don't know until I'm obviously showing ;)

[Tap]

Congrats!!!

 

After losing #2 we waited until 12 weeks to announce #3.  I preferred the privacy for a while and it would have decreased the number of people who I would have had to explain the loss to. 

[Garga]

I think for exercise, it's ok for the baby for you to run but you have to be hyper vigilent to care for your own joints. The body loosens the joints when you're pregnant (so that your pelvis can widen) and you're at higher risk for injury. Double check this with a doctor, but that's what I learned when I was pregnant. Babies are usually fine with exercise, it's the mom's that might have issues.

[Mom-ninja.]

I never got to wait before telling people. I was always way too sick to hide it. I'm talking vomiting non-stop. I'd have to not see anyone in person ever if I wanted to wait to tell. Also, despite the constant vomiting my belly pokes out after I'm about 5 weeks pg, and my hawk eye mom noticed every time. By the time I was 8 weeks I already had a nice pooch and by then other people began to suspect. Pooch belly + green face + throwing up = yeah, I was an open book.

 

I always thought it's be fun to wait until like 20 weeks or so, but there is NO way I could hide a pg that long. I was lucky to make it to 7 weeks my last pg before I had to tell. 

[katilac]

You say your kids are pretty perceptive if something goes wrong, so what would be worse: having them feel the honest sadness and disappointment that goes with a miscarriage, or having them wonder and worry because something seems wrong, but mom and dad are talking like nothing happened? 

 

I might wait a bit to tell my kids if I weren't ready for other people to know, but not because I might miscarry. If I miscarried, I would absolutely tell them, bc (at your kids' ages) they would definitely have known something had happened. It's scary for a child when their gut tells them something is wrong but everyone acts like nothing happened.  

 

Personally, I would not be willing to tell anyone else before I told my kids. I would simply tell my karate teacher I didn't feel up to punching practice that day if I thought it would be dangerous, or I'd skip class. 

[Rachel]

I usually wait until the end of my 1st trimester. I've had two miscarriages around 10 weeks (1st and 5th pregnancies) and having random people ask how your pregnancy is going post miscarriage stinks. With my second my children were 5,3, and 6 months. They didn't know I was pregnant yet, but did know something was wrong. I told them about the miscarriage and they were very sweet about it. My oldest occasionally still asks questions. When I was expecting my 3rd, we told our kids when I was about 16 weeks. 9 months is an eternity to children so we waited until we were ready to tell others.

 

I ran a half marathon at 5 weeks and my doctor was comfortable with that because I had been training before that. She advised me to listen to my body and if I felt tired to back off. Many women run throughout their pregnancy, but I'm usually too tired. I am able run until about 7-8 weeks and then switch to walking or the elliptical.

 

I wouldn't have a problem letting my instructor know about my pregnancy before my children but I wouldn't feel comfortable telling other family members ahead of them.

[73349]

Tell them before someone else does, but not until you don't mind if they tell someone else.

 

Wouldn't skipping alcohol make sense anyway when you're training for a big race? Blame that, if you want.