OnTheBrink Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 My EX wants to take our dd(10) to Florida to visit his father and the father's partner. EX's boyfriend will be going, as well. So, it'll be 4 men and one 10 yo girl. ExFIL has a history of molesting teen boys, including EX when he was small.(he was never prosecuted, as far as I know. Anyone know how I could find this out?) I've only met FIL two or three times during the marriage, and I found him to be a rather unpleasant person, sarcastic sense of humor, makes biting comments about others, overall, an acidic jerk. EX claims his father is no longer like that, has mellowed and apologized to EX for the horrible things he did as a father. Ex's boyfriend confirms that ex FIL is not the caustic person I met before. I still am not comfortable with this. I think a 10 yo girl needs another female there, esp in a house of men. Orientation of the men isn't really an issue as far as my feeling that she needs a female there with her. EX has never done anything inappropriate to dd, and neither has his boyfriend, and maybe I'm stupid, but I don't really think exFIL would do anything to her, either. But, it doesn't sit well with me that she'll be in a home with 4 men and no woman there. Am I out of line for suggesting I go on this trip with them? Naturally, I'd pay my own way. I just want to be there for her. ON a side note, EX takes dd out of state to visit his mother and his brother and SIL and it's fine. Dd has a good time, but most of her activities are with Grandma or her auntie. I'm not worried that EX will do something stupid with her, I just have this nagging feeling that I need to be there for her on this trip. What do you think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Based only on the FIL having a history of molesting children I would say no dice. Otherwise I would have been fine with it, only because our children need to have ties to both sides of their family regardless of separation/divorce etc. Even the 4 men thing doesn't bother me as it is family, but the fact taht your ex FIL has a history of molesting children, no way, no how, not gonna happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I'd say go with your gut on this one. If you have even the slightest worry or uneasy feeling, listen to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 No way. Heck - the little girl is old enough to probably feel uncomfortable being the only female in the group! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 There is enough history there to know that FIL doesn't understand what is appropriate with children. There is also enough unpleasantness there to know that even an improvement may not be improvement enough. Please, please go. Better for YOU to deal with the unpleasantness EX might dole out than for your dd to be on her own in an uncomfortable situation. Please go. Better safe than sorry. Please go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 No. No child of mine visits with a pedophile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 If there is any way to keep her out of the visit, I'd say no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 You guys are all confirming my thoughts. I'm going to tell EX that I'd like to go. Ultimately, I have custody and I can put the kabosh on this trip. EX said if I said she can't go, he'd not take her. So, I'll propose that I go with them (on my own dollar) or she not go. We'll see what happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 ExFIL has a history of molesting teen boys, including EX when he was small.(he was never prosecuted, as far as I know. Anyone know how I could find this out?) I've only met FIL two or three times during the marriage, and I found him to be a rather unpleasant person, sarcastic sense of humor, makes biting comments about others, overall, an acidic jerk. EX claims his father is no longer like that, has mellowed and apologized to EX for the horrible things he did as a father. Ex's boyfriend confirms that ex FIL is not the caustic person I met before. This is the part that bothers me. I don't believe acidic jerks change often and pedophiles even less. Your xh's willingness to be in relationship with his abuser speaks to unresolved issues/poor boundaries. I would not want my dd in that setting at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lakeside Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 What a difficult situation to be in. But I would definitely go with your gut instinct and go on the trip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 No. No child of mine visits with a pedophile. absolutely. whether you were sending a dd or a ds. If you know for a fact [per your XH] that fil is a pedophile, I would not even let him see her, period. save the money all around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 This is the part that bothers me. I don't believe acidic jerks change often and pedophiles even less. Your xh's willingness to be in relationship with his abuser speaks to unresolved issues/poor boundaries. I would not want my dd in that setting at all. I was hoping you'd chime in. :) I'm betting once I suggest I go, he'll not want to take her down there. And, you're right; EX does have issues with boundaries on many levels in the sense that he thinks everyone likes him, everyone wants to be his friend, even people who do him harm, he'll still want their approval. Do you (or anyone) know how I could find out the truth about the molestation? I know what town it took place in, but I don't have dates. From what I was told, he was not prosecuted because none of the victims would agree to talk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I'm betting once I suggest I go, he'll not want to take her down there. Do you (or anyone) know how I could find out the truth about the molestation? I know what town it took place in, but I don't have dates. From what I was told, he was not prosecuted because none of the victims would agree to talk. honestly? if XH told you it happened, that would be enough fact for me. I wouldn't even bother digging. and I wouldn't even bank on him reacting a certain way to YOU going --i just would say NO, period. good luck ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nakitty Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I say go with your gut....I would want to see this "transformation" with my own two eyes.... I would add...that it is my understanding that if he likes(d) young boys that it is highly unlikely that he would do anything to your dd...however, that doesn't mean he isn't a toxic human being... and I have to wonder why her father would want her to be around him.:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 I say go with your gut....I would want to see this "transformation" with my own two eyes.... I would add...that it is my understanding that if he likes(d) young boys that it is highly unlikely that he would do anything to your dd...however, that doesn't mean he isn't a toxic human being... and I have to wonder why her father would want her to be around him.:confused: I have often wondered why he felt he needed his father's approval so much. If someone molested me, I'd not give a rat's tail whether they approved or not. And, it's the toxic personality that worries me a bit more than him hurting her, since it was males he went for. But, maybe I'm naive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Any history of sexual abuse of a child is too much, IMO. I don't care how long ago it was, that person would not have access to my children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I agree with the others and the fact that he abused your EX would be enough evidence for me. Also, who knows what the history is of the EX FIL's partner? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Pedophiles can operate quickly and unobtrusively when they want to. You've indicated that ex doesn't have good boundaries, and is therefore very unlikely to be able to protect dd. (Might not even notice the beginning of inappropriate behavior.) I'd weigh whether there's really a reason for her to visit with X-FIL at all. What are you thinking would be the positives for dd? They would have to be very strong to outweigh all that, imo. If you think there's some merit, I'd take her yourself (ie your own transportation), stay in a hotel, and meet him in public for dinner or something. Sit on the other side of the table with dd. That is plenty given what you do know about him and what you don't know about even his tendency to be caustic. If dh told you he molested him and others, you don't need any more proof. Most pedophiles are never arrested. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I think it is admirable that you are considering going along! You are a very strong woman and I agree with everyone else that I wouldn't let her go without me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nakitty Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I have often wondered why he felt he needed his father's approval so much. If someone molested me, I'd not give a rat's tail whether they approved or not. And, it's the toxic personality that worries me a bit more than him hurting her, since it was males he went for. But, maybe I'm naive. Ack...that is even more worrisome...I'm sure he loves his daughter...and would not purposefully put her in danger....but if he is simply blind to it then that is a major problem... I would definitely go...*IF* I agreed the visit was a go at all... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BabyBre Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I almost thought you were joking when you wondered if you should send your dd to stay with a pedophile! There's a reason you're uncomforatble with it - It puts dd in danger. I'm in total agreement with the above posters and I, too, beg you to go with her or, better yet, keep her home and avoid all risk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Call Me Cordelia Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 If you have a nagging feeling and can swing it, by all means GO! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I'm in the "absolutely not" category -- neither one of you needs to be there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readwithem Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Your first paragraph makes me uncomfortable, your second paragraph has me squirming. To paraphrase Hilary last week, no way, no how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 The idea that Ex-FIL thinks he can just apologize for his past behavior (which was criminal and not just rude) and that your EX seems to have accepted such an apology as having covered all sins, sends up big red flags for me. After all, even if he does something else to someone else, all he has to do is to apologize and all will be forgiven (and all will be well too). Also the fact that Ex says that he's mellowed, as if his previous behavior was a result of being too intense is a huge red flag too. Too many red flags for me to feel comfortable with their judgment or their possible behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terri NS Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 EX said if I said she can't go, he'd not take her. Sounds like he knows it's not a good idea if he gives you an out right away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 I say go with your gut....I would want to see this "transformation" with my own two eyes.... I would add...that it is my understanding that if he likes(d) young boys that it is highly unlikely that he would do anything to your dd...however, that doesn't mean he isn't a toxic human being... and I have to wonder why her father would want her to be around him.:confused: I agree with what you've said here but have to add one thing: It really bothers me when people (not necessarily you, just people) use words like "unlikely" about child abuse, especially pedophilia. This is one area where there is NO ROOM FOR ERROR. One incident affects a person for the rest of their life. And any study of pedophilia will tell you that it is not predictable, and that "unlikely" boundaries get crossed all. the. time. I am not in any way attacking you, Nakitty--as I said, I really agree with what you said about needing to see any transformation with my own two eyes (though even then I would still not allow contact with a child just based on the abusive history) and I agree about not wanting a child around a toxic personality. I wanted to just use your wording to make a point--people really cannot make decisions about children around pedophiles based on guesses about what they are "likely" to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cricket1178 Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 honestly? if XH told you it happened, that would be enough fact for me. I wouldn't even bother digging. and I wouldn't even bank on him reacting a certain way to YOU going --i just would say NO, period. good luck ;) :iagree: No way. XH's word would be enough for me. No other proof necessary. Even if your X decides to say it never happened just the fact that it was ever brought up would be enough for reasonable doubt. I would say a big fat "NO" is in order on this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemyboys Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 Based only on the FIL having a history of molesting children I would say no dice. If you only met FIL a couple times in marriage, it sounds like she may have met him when little? Or maybe not at all? So, not only is it a house full of men, at least two of them are strangers to her. I definitely think she's old enough to feel uncomfortable about all of that. There's also the fact that she'll be alone with two adult couples who are on vacation and may be enjoying the relaxed atmosphere of vacations -- a bit more alcohol than usual, etc. If you'd like for her to see FIL, I'd vote with your instincts and see how you could go too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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