AimeeM Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Any BTDTs care to chime in? The 2 year old is oblivious, and really I don't think he'll care at all; he's pretty much the same Flying Marvelous Marco no matter where we are, lol. DS5 was upset about it, but when I talked to him I found out he was only upset because he thought he'd have to leave all of his things, and his dogs, back. When I told them he could bring his things, he was fine. The one having a difficult time is DD13, actually. She is NEVER rude... and she was rude to the stager today. It was completely out of character for her, and I was so surprised that I barely said anything. The reaction came with the stager went into her room and suggested that we put Autumn's favorite chair (it's a vintage, red fabric relax chair with ottoman, that DH gave her, that was previously DH's mom's chair) in storage. I saw Autumn's face set and she said "no - no they cannot put MY chair in storage; these are my things in MY room". She had a similar reaction when it was suggested that we put the things on the shelf in her closet (her AG dolls) in storage. She's never been territorial about her room - she loves having her younger brothers in there, never minds when me or DH come in to sit with her or just to ask something, etc. She claims that she's excited to move to a bigger house, but admits that she's having a hard time with leaving our house. She can't seem to verbalize WHY, but that's a no brainer for me - she associates this house with everything "good" in her life, and that much she HAS verbalized before. This is the house where she met Dad (we married when she was 6); this is the house where we celebrated the adoption (he adopted her a couple years after we married); this is the house that she shared with beloved first GSD (Luke), where her brothers came home to after being born, where she played backyard games and dug in the mud with her friends, where she hosted her first sleepovers, and the house she wants to come home to when she's visiting grandma out of state but doesn't feel well. She's a very sentimental gal. While I did tell her that she was absolutely inappropriate and that being rude is rarely, if ever, okay, I'm leaning towards just trying to understand where she's coming from, instead of being punitive about her attitude lately regarding all things "her house and her room"... because it so out of character for her. How can I make this easier on her? Or is that even possible? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 We all grieve in our own ways. She will move on and remember the house where she spends her teen years but right now it's hard. Does that room have to be staged? :grouphug: It sounds to me like you understand her very well. Just rambling here but transitions are hard. Once the house sells she can start planning how to decorate her new room but now is just lala time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sara in AZ Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 My kids are going through this. :- ( We moved right before Christmas. We still own the old house (5 min. away) that we lived in for 10 years and have been fixing it up to sell. We've taken the kids back over a few times as we've been working on it, and every time the older two (10 and 12) get really emotional and teary because they feel sad about leaving behind all the happy memories they have there. I really had no idea they'd take it so hard! So I had the idea that we could make up a little book with pictures from the house and all write down some of our best memories from the time we lived there. I'm hoping that will provide some closure for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickerplum Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Maybe talk about how she'll arrange things in her new room? Perhaps watch some shows on HGTV and get excited with her? I was an Air Force child and we moved a lot. If you're thinking about the new things it will help with letting go of the old. We moved away from our current town to live closer to family for a year and then we moved back. Now we're being transferred and getting ready for putting our house on the market (yikes). Several people joke that we'll be back in a year, which isn't going to happen. I found out a little bit ago that my almost 9 year old has been believing them. She was heartbroken, poor thing, when it came up and I was truthful with her. She's better now, but she was sad for a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExcitedMama Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 We moved about six months ago so I have ideas for moving with a 5 and 2 your old but a teenager is out of my realm, but maybe some of the ideas will help? DS was also very worried about everything coming with us, especially after we put so much stuff away in storage to make the house look bigger and more spacious. He hates change so I really talked about everything with him and visited the house we were moving to a lot and made plans for it. On the day we left we walked around and said goodbye to all of the rooms and outside and took lots of pictures and videos. Maybe you can put her in charge of making a book about the house on Shutterfly? She can go around and get photos of her and the family in her favorite places around the house and make a photo book. Do you know where you are moving? I think it could help to talk about what you should do to make the new house a home. Since she's older you can ask for ideas on the whole house and definitely how she wants her room. Even if you don't know where you are going yet you could ask for her help to include her. Can she make a Pinterest board or put some ideas together on Houz? Have you talked to her about putting her stuff away so it's all packed up and ready to be safely moved to your next house? And that the nicer the house looks the faster it can sell so you can go back to having everything back out to use. Have you told her that you understand how she feels and you are sad too? I frankly didn't want to move, DH did, and it was hard for me to move from the house we had fixed up together after we were married and brought our babies home to so I really get that it's hard. Maybe she'll feel better if you tell her how much you understand and you feel all those things too...but you need to move for whatever reasons. Do you have stories you can tell her about other moves? I wouldn't drive by your soon to be old house after you move it could be hard for awhile. As an adult it was hard for me to see ours a few months later, I was pretty upset by it, seeing the changes the new owners had made when ours was still so chaotic. But a few months later when I saw it again I was fine and not affected because the new house had felt more like home. Good luck, moving can be really hard and stressful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I can understand the defensive reaction when a total strange comes into your room and tells you one of your favorite pieces of furniture will end up in storage. She is too young to fully understand the value of staging a house for sale. Also 3 months in storage, for example, does not seem like much to us - to children 3 months sounds like eternity. I'd have a few talks with her and would perhaps include her more in the process, i.e.., explain upfront that selling a house is a chore that requires some unpleasant moments and transitions. Can you get her to help you so she becomes a vital part of the process, rather than a "victim" of a zealous stager? The emotions you describe see very normal to me. I have those same feelings when I have to leave a place. Let her know her feelings are acknowledged and are valid and that she can grieve leaving one house behind and there will be new, good memories waiting to be made at the new house. My son was 7yo when we moved from one area to another and we had to leave his best buddy behind. We talked a lot, read books about moving, talked about inviting friend to new house to spend a weekend, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I don't know what to say about the chair, but I would advise your dd to pack up the things that are important to her so they are out of view of real estate agents and potential homebuyers if they will be touring your home while you are not there to supervise them. Most people are honest, but if I posted a list of the things that were stolen during showings of a home we sold many years ago, you would be shocked and amazed. Seriously, be super careful to get your valuables out of the house, and also know that if your kids love certain toys, other people's kids like them, too, so keep them out of sight if at all possible to avoid any potential theft issues. Sorry to pop into your thread with such a depressing post! :blush: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 That is a very hard age to move. When my parents uprooted us from the perfect life in a quaint new england town to Florida well, let's just say I never got over it and gave my parents a really bad time. I did eventually settle down made friends, embraced the beach and horrible fl humidity. Nothing made it easier though planning trips home helped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 We don't necessarily have to stage her bedroom. The stager did tell us, initially, that the kids' rooms were secondary bedrooms, and not as big of a deal to stage as the Master; in other words, she isn't super concerned about the state of the kids' rooms, as long as the Master is done as close to perfect as possible. The big deal in her room is going to be that we really do have to take everything off her walls - at least for the painter to touch it up... but after the touch up, she really shouldn't put anything back up (it kind of kills the touch up). I didn't realize that about the valuables. I also didn't think about that others may bring their kids (we do not bring ours to showings if we can help it - and definitely not to any showings in homes where people were currently living; we were looser about bringing them to new build showings). Good points. I'll have my husband put our jewelry in the safe, and the gun lockboxes in the storage unit (because they are small enough to be carried off, and are valuable, even though I'm not sure how somebody would get into them without a key). I can try to tell DD to put away things that are valuable... but she'd more likely just stuff it in her purse to take with her everywhere, lol. I'm not sure if it makes things in the house safer, but we have clarified that no showings are to happen without a reputable agent with them (or our selling agent if they do not have a buyer's agent). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibliophile Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Sorry your daughter is having a difficult time! We are very possibly facing a job relocation soon, so we may be facing a similar situation soon. :( Knowing that the struggle with the chair is likely just a symptom of the deeper struggle, I have no idea if my thoughts are worth anything....What is the reasoning behind moving the chair into storage? Is it a space issue? If so, perhaps you could compromise and just move the ottoman into storage. Is it a decor issue? Does the chair fabric match the room? You could get a slipcover for the chair and put it on before the showings. Or you could take your daughter out shopping for a new bedspread and curtains to coordinate with the chair. I know I would have loved an afternoon of shopping therapy with my mom at that age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 Sorry your daughter is having a difficult time! We are very possibly facing a job relocation soon, so we may be facing a similar situation soon. :( Knowing that the struggle with the chair is likely just a symptom of the deeper struggle, I have no idea if my thoughts are worth anything....What is the reasoning behind moving the chair into storage? Is it a space issue? If so, perhaps you could compromise and just move the ottoman into storage. Is it a decor issue? Does the chair fabric match the room? You could get a slipcover for the chair and put it on before the showings. Or you could take your daughter out shopping for a new bedspread and curtains to coordinate with the chair. I know I would have loved an afternoon of shopping therapy with my mom at that age. The chair matches as much as possible - she's pretty eclectic, so nothing in her room really matches, lol. Yes, it's kind of a space issue. The stager wanted the room to look bigger. We decided not to move the chair, as per the stager's own words that the secondary bedrooms aren't a huge issue, so long as they are clean and the closets are accessible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I cried reading about Autumn meeting her dad and getting adopted in the house etc. We just moved in Nov. It can be brutal. Not on younger kids, but definitely on kids 7 and up. Adults of course too. We all like to think that moving is an adventure, but it's a grief process from start to finish. Are you moving towns or states? Or just moving to a new house? I think I'd work w/ Autumn rather than do the "don't be rude" thing since she's normally so polite. I'd buy a special bag and together "wrap" the chair so it would be safe. I might even tuck a teddy bear in to keep it company -- anything to show that you understand how miserable this is for her. If she's normally super polite -- she's really depressed and her rudeness is how teens show how sad they are. Anger and lashing out are normal for very upset teens. I'd encourage her to journal, maybe have a special coffee or tea with Mom in the room for a solid hour just talking over "old times." Then . . . help her to understand that it's the people and animals that matter and are coming with everyone -- including everything in her room. Also, explain the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Explain that "acceptance" doesn't mean "happiness," it just means that there's a sense of "okay, this is what's happening, I need to adjust. When we moved I also explained to my boys (and to myself) that we come from a very long line of people who acclimate. I explained that the people who couldn't acclimate died off and didn't have babies. The strong ones who could adjust survived and had babies -- and those are our great, great, great etc. grandparents. Anyway, I'd go with empathy rather than a talk on manners (she sounds like she understands manners already which means you've done a great job). Moving is hard even if you're moving to paradise. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 Well she wasn't adopted IN the house, per se, but this is the house where we celebrated the adoption, the attorney who lived next door handled the adoption (and also served as a surrogate grandmother to her), and the entire process was started. Tony handcrafted her bed as a gift to her when we married - he made it with a push button on the side, so that it lifted up (the mattress board) to have a space for toys or special items to put away in. It's been through so much damage over the years (namely, our first GSD who liked to jump on it), that we're afraid it won't make the move (it was put together in the bedroom, and will have to be taken out to move it). He's handy enough that he'll be able to make another, but... I don't think it's the same to her. We are just barely moving towns. Not even really - we're just leaving the downtown area, and moving to an outskirt of our same city. She's REALLY excited about having more space, and being in a subdivision with amenities, lol. I think she just wishes she could transport her room as it exactly is. It doesn't help that neighbors, as soon as that for sale sign hit, started coming over - teary and asking if we were sure we had to leave... one in particular who lamented about all the times Autumn brought her cookies, lol. This is SO hard on everyone... but we're all excited too. I think, more than anything, Autumn hates the idea of someone else living here; of it becoming someone elses' home, instead of hers, kwim? Because goodness knows, despite the sudden territorial feelings over her room, she is WAY excited about the new house, too! I cried reading about Autumn meeting her dad and getting adopted in the house etc. We just moved in Nov. It can be brutal. Not on younger kids, but definitely on kids 7 and up. Adults of course too. We all like to think that moving is an adventure, but it's a grief process from start to finish. Are you moving towns or states? Or just moving to a new house? I think I'd work w/ Autumn rather than do the "don't be rude" thing since she's normally so polite. I'd buy a special bag and together "wrap" the chair so it would be safe. I might even tuck a teddy bear in to keep it company -- anything to show that you understand how miserable this is for her. If she's normally super polite -- she's really depressed and her rudeness is how teens show how sad they are. Anger and lashing out are normal for very upset teens. I'd encourage her to journal, maybe have a special coffee or tea with Mom in the room for a solid hour just talking over "old times." Then . . . help her to understand that it's the people and animals that matter and are coming with everyone -- including everything in her room. Also, explain the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Explain that "acceptance" doesn't mean "happiness," it just means that there's a sense of "okay, this is what's happening, I need to adjust. When we moved I also explained to my boys (and to myself) that we come from a very long line of people who acclimate. I explained that the people who couldn't acclimate died off and didn't have babies. The strong ones who could adjust survived and had babies -- and those are our great, great, great etc. grandparents. Anyway, I'd go with empathy rather than a talk on manners (she sounds like she understands manners already which means you've done a great job). Moving is hard even if you're moving to paradise. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 You might take a Trip Down Memory Lane through the house and bring your camera. Take pictures of every room as it is, and re-stage as many events as you can--be silly, even. My dh and adult siblings re-staged a picture of them when they were all under 11 years old. Oldest on the floor, my dh sitting on her, the middle standing behind him, with the two youngest on either side. They even re-staged the facial expressions, and it's a hilarious picture. You might stand together in the room where your daughter met your dh, and have them shake hands. Get out the adoption papers, and restage the Formal Picture. Bake a birthday cake and have 42 candles on it so everyone can blow some out. Anyway, that might help. I have a terrible time throwing away memorabilia. If I take a picture of it, however, it can hit the dumpster. Example: I got my MBA with blood sweat and tears. I'm a humanities girl. But it came to a point where hauling around every last piece of paper I touched in my MBA program--all the notes, the papers, the handouts, etc., was ridiculous. I stacked them all in multiple stacks on the dining room table and took a picture of the body of work. The body of work then hit the shredder. The hilarious part is that I can't find that picture...and I don't care anymore. It just gave me a way to say goodbye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Can you make her a photo album of her life in the house? Take photos before too much has changed and intersperse them with photos of the wonderful things that you mention from her past. Give it to her as a keepsake. We did this for the boys when we moved from China. In the few months before we left China and after we arrived in Scotland, they would often look through the books - it was a way of focusing their sadness, I think, so that it didn't overwhelm the rest of their lives. Slowly they looked at the books less, and they are now forgotten in corners. Best of luck L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I feel so badly for her. We moved when I was sixteen, and I was devastated. Actually, I went to camp with no knowledge of anything going to happen, and came home to a sold sign in our house. It would be so traumatic for a stranger to come into her space and mess with her stuff. Definitely don't punish her, and I would ask if there was any way to exempt her room from the staging. One thing I did was write a letter to the new owners about all the things I loved about the house, all the special nooks and crannies. Apparently it meant a lot to them. Many years later we drove by and knocked on the door, and they invited us in with a hug and had framed my letter and hung it outside my old room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Dad was military. I have moved 30 times. The hardest times were pre-teen to early teen years. Before and after was much easier. Be sympathetic, help her keep the things that really matter to her close by, accept this is going to be hard, and definitely keep anything valuable (including of sentimental value) put away during showings. Extremely breakable stuff, too. And when you move, if you hire movers, move the valuables and things of strong sentiment yourselves as much as possible. And if something is fragile and sentimental and they have to pack and move it, be there to watch them pack if you can. I actually packed every one of my books myself (several hundred) when I was a teen because I had had some books damaged in a previous move. It gave me a feeling of control and helped me feel better about the process. When you move to the new home you might want to wait for a while before letting her see the old house. That was terribly jarring to me the time we went back. It was easier not seeing it and seeing strangers living there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 we moved every year for years. (due to a series of super-rapid military postings). different countries, different towns..... we gave each kid a disposable camera and had them carry it around for a week. just love her up.... a lot.... and while we did keep kids rooms tidy, after they decluttered stuff they didn't want to pack, inventory and unpack, they got to keep things the way they were. fwiw, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 I feel so badly for her. We moved when I was sixteen, and I was devastated. Actually, I went to camp with no knowledge of anything going to happen, and came home to a sold sign in our house. It would be so traumatic for a stranger to come into her space and mess with her stuff. Definitely don't punish her, and I would ask if there was any way to exempt her room from the staging. One thing I did was write a letter to the new owners about all the things I loved about the house, all the special nooks and crannies. Apparently it meant a lot to them. Many years later we drove by and knocked on the door, and they invited us in with a hug and had framed my letter and hung it outside my old room. Oh I would never punish her for it! I just told her we couldn't be rude, and told her that I understand being upset about leaving, even if she's excited about the new house - I am, too. I love this house; we all do. The compromise for her room will be that everything but the crucifix will come off the walls (because we *have to* touch up the paint on her walls), but that nothing else is touched (I decluttered a few weeks ago when she wasn't around, to put away some thing she hasn't used in years; she knows I did it, but didn't want to watch). That is SO sweet about your letter! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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