Advice on making big changes

[Moxie]

The inmates have been running the asylum for way too long. Step one in getting back where we should be is cutting back (banning??) screens. Between the TV, nintendos, phones, iPad, computers, etc., my kids are totally addicted to screens. This is not going to be a change the children happily embrace. I would love to hear thoughts on how to do this without bloodshed (kidding, mostly). I plan on making a list of alternatives. Anything else?

[Tap]

Personally, I wouldn't ban screens all together because they do have a very valid purpose.  What ever you put in place in regards to rules, make sure you are willing to follow it yourself (it is hard to respect a hypocrite).  Also, make sure you have something to replace the screen time with that is new and novel, like new board games or a trip to the library for reading material.  The kids will go though a withdrawal and you need something to smooth the edges. 

 

I know some people use tokens that their kids earn with appropriate behavior, chores, school work etc.  The kids can then use the tokens to buy screen time. 

I know some peple allow screens only at a certain time of day from something like 6-8pm.  The people I know who do this sucessfully have it attached to something like 'eat dinner and clean up, then screen time until Xpm'.  

 

I know some who only allow screens on the weekends, some only during the week, and some who allow them only if they are away from the house (ie DVD in the car, Gameboys at the doctor office, etc)

 

 

[Acadie]

Would it work to make screens available after a certain time each day, as long as schooling and chores are done?  Possibly a brief, time-limited phone/email check allowed midday if xyz are done, then a longer time on a screen of choice when everything is taken care of for the day?  

 

You have a great opportunity to be strategic about what you want your family life to look like, including less screen time but also more cooperation, pitching in, personal responsibility, etc--whatever your real priorities are.  Emphasis on their contributing to the family, creativity and personal responsibility, not on taking screens away or punishment.  

 

Or a screen-free day of the week, to really get in creative, alternative play time?

 

Amy

 

 

[trinchick]

Would it make sense to consider what you're trying to accomplish by banning screens? Are you trying to preserve some family time? Trying to make sure schoolwork is accomplished? Trying to limit distractions during dinner? Trying to encourage more exercise? Just generally feel like it's too much?

 

If there's some specific goal, then maybe just set parameters to achieve that goal. For instance, no screens until schoolwork is done, or while we're eating, or during some designated family time.

 

If it's a more general sense that screens are taking over, then maybe set limits on duration or frequency.

 

My kids are also screen-addicted these days. I'm trying to muster the energy to lure them away from screens with more activities/engagement as opposed to banning them or setting limitations, which I think would spark a revolution or a sense of their suddenly being punished for something that I've been allowing all along. This is hard to do, though.

[kristi26]

We have done a full ban on screens for a week at a time in the past.  The kids were required to do something other than screentime.  If they told me they were bored, they got a job to do (folding laundry, washing dishes, scrubbing the bathtub, etc).  They did make me crazy as they adjusted and there was more than one time that I had to call the BFF and have her talk me off the ledge and into handing over the remote, but we survived.  :lol: It was a great learning experience and the kids found things that they really enjoyed doing that they didn't know about before. 

[Liz CA]

Instead of totally banning screens (which is not really implementable indefinitely), I'd restrict it and set timers. Screen time is a privilege now not a God-given right. This motivates some kids enormously.

If you have little ones, I would encourage you to make use of wonderful books on CD by Jim Weiss. There is a whole different neural network being developed in your child's brain by listening to a story and having to imagine the pictures that go along with the spoken word instead of having pictures supplied by a TV screen.

 

http://www.greathall.com/

 

The above link is for Jim Weiss recordings. His company is called Greathall Productions.

If this is too expensive, I'd check with local library for good books on CD.

[kbutton]

I think sometimes screen time gets out of whack because of turn-taking and guaranteeing that things are always fair. Or having so many devices to choose from. If one kid uses the iPad, then the next one thinks he needs a turn just because it's a screen. Funny, but they don't view chores that way. :-) Maybe you can cut back to one or two devices for a specific purpose, and then add back in slowly to whatever you want to allow. My kids have had to learn that just because one child used the iPad to look something up that was pertinent, it doesn't mean the other one needs equal time to play a game. Timing everyone's usage and taking turns was really just ugly. And guaranteeing a time each day ended up being a whiny time if the day just didn't allow it. So, in our case, working on flexibility was bigger than the particulars about how to let them have screen time. We have always kept screens to a bare minimum, so ymmv. 

[Catwoman]

My best advice is to wait a week before you do anything and be sure it's what you really want to do.

 

I know you're frustrated right now, so I think you should take some time to figure out exactly how you want to handle this, rather than making a big sweeping change all at once -- and later regretting it that you made such an extreme decision.

 

It may turn out that a complete ban is the right choice, but I would suggest that you may want to consider a more moderate aproach at first, and if that doesn't work, then you can move on to a more rigid option. I only say this because if you are super-strict and then go back on it later, it will be harder to make even smaller restrictions work, because the kids will think they have negotiating power.

[kristi26]

Just so you know, when I took screens for a week, it was for just that. Just the week.  Then we go back on limited screen time.  Everyone is supposed to have one hour of screen time around here...that doesn't always work out.  :glare:  More often than not, it's more.  And when it gets to be a thing of fighting and whining and crying, that's when I know they NEED a break for awhile. So we do it and they remember that screens are a privilege, not a right as a PP said.

[mommymonster]

I can't comment on what works in terms of limiting screen time (ban v earning it v whatever), but if I need to cut down screen time, I plan a camping trip, preferably to a place with limited coverage. It sounds a little hardcore, but we are surrounded by mountains and are close to the ocean, so cell coverage is a bit spotty. We run the kids morning to night, so that they don't really miss screens. After a day or two, they have had enough fun and real-life adventures that the screens aren't as exciting. When we get home, they seem to be better about whining for electronics. Also, I tend to try to start new expectations the minute we get back, so that everyone is a bit distracted--they don't recognize the new sheriff until she's already well on her way to establishing order.

[Meadowlark]

Can you give us examples of why you think it's out of control? What sort of screens are the problem? That may help us give more detailed suggestions of how to handle it.

 

My kids are a lot younger than yours, but like someone else mentioned, we definitely view screen time as a privilege and not a right. We use the iPad for school when it's appropriate, but actual TV happens in the late afternoon after school is done, piano is practiced and chores are done. They know what they're allotted. It's all very systematic so at this point there really are no arguments, negotiating or anything else. They do their stuff, they watch TV. They don't? Then they don't. It works here..so far.:-)

[FloridaLisa]

The inmates have been running the asylum for way too long. Step one in getting back where we should be is cutting back (banning??) screens. Between the TV, nintendos, phones, iPad, computers, etc., my kids are totally addicted to screens. This is not going to be a change the children happily embrace. I would love to hear thoughts on how to do this without bloodshed (kidding, mostly). I plan on making a list of alternatives. Anything else?

 

Is your dh on board with this? How are you going to use screen time? Is this across the board or just for the kiddos? Just some initial questions I'd ask and answer. 

 

I would categorize the screens and decided how to handle them rather than treating them all the same. 

 

For us ~

 

TV -- off until after dinner.  No tvs in rooms. We have one tv and we all decide what if anything will be watched. It's at most an hour for the day. 

Nintendo -- can only be played on Saturday morning. (Or very specially when boys are over for a party or ds has his college friends back home.) Not in rooms; down in family room. 

IPAD -- if this is used for games and not school, I'd just keep them in a central location and allocate it for weekend use. 

Phones -- my kids get them when they turn 16 and then we go through some issues of texting late at night, etc. You can keep them in a drawer in the kitchen and have the kids grab them before leaving the house. 

Computers -- if used for school, I don't see how you can ban them. You can have the kids use them in a central location for oversight

 

The screen creep can be a huge issue. For me as well! My older kids (10th and up) have pretty free access to their computers and we just deal with things as there are issues.  But I use my computer a lot for working and life, so I can't see doing a complete freeze on computers. 

 

Lisa

[FriedClams]

I would ban. 100%. You can add the later, but pull off the bandaid now. One quick pull. In a week you'll see new kids. You can do it!

[Guest]

ds doesn't know I fixed the computer yet.

 

< cringe >

 

I like him much better without screens.

 

In the '90s, I told the kids we'd get the TV fixed when we could afford it. We bought a car, a complete set of Babysitter's Club books, enrolled in karate and dance classes, went on a road trip, and when we moved we found the TV in the back of the closet.

 

My kids said, "What's this?" and hauled it up to the curb for the next trash pickup.

 

Can you disable the flash plug-in or unseat the RAM or some similar reversible sabotage of your devices and see how it goes? Mine with little ds was genuinely unintentional, but I'm loving the results.

[Haiku]

I don't think it's practical to completely eliminate screen time. Modern life involves screens. Best to learn how to live with them and use them appropriately rather than try to pretend they aren't there. (This is from someone who severely limited screens when my kids were young but has loosened up as they've gotten older.)

 

Around here, screens can't be used until after school and chores are done. They have to be turned off at 9 pm and handed in. We have one tv in the whole house. We have one desktop computer. We have one laptop, but as Dad works on it, the kids are not allowed to use it. And they each have Nook HDs that we have removed the web browser and email programs from. They can access the web through the Overdrive book download program and the apps that we approve. My ds talks to his cousin on Clash of Clans. My dd plays some My Little Pony game.

 

My kids know that screens are a privilege and that if the can't handle their responsibilities, they can't have the privilege. If I ask them to do something, "I'm busy using my screen" is not a reason to put me off and will result in loss of screen for the day. If I tell them not to use the screen for whatever reason I (in my infinite wisdom) have, they are to listen to me (I don't abuse this power).

 

If they bicker about screens, they don't use them.

[zimom]

My youngest is one that just doesn't do well with screen time. Rules are simple for her: during week no tv, no iPad, no iPod, no gameboy, etc. She uses the computer for her typing practice, one subject it is necessary, and to check her school schedule only and it is sitting in front of me so I know what she is doing. On the weekends she has one hour a day TV, one hour a day other screen time. That is it. End of discussion.

 

My others are an older teen and young adult. Even the older teen does not watch TV, "play" on the computer or other devices during the week just out of habit.

 

Rip the bandaid. It will be easiest for all.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

:lurk5:

 

No time to read the thread right now, but I wanted to say you're not alone, and we're making changes here too. My oldest DD is upset with us right now because I have been restricting her screen time to 20 minutes per day, and she wants to be able to watch a full episode of Supernatural. She was especially miffed when she found out two friends who started watching from the beginning after she did are already on season 5, and one of them has just been limited to two hours of screen time per day. However, she doesn't recognize that the 20 minutes I give her nearly always stretches to at least 40 by the time I actually force her off, and doesn't include the texting/emailing time she gets on her phone throughout the day (not an excessive amount, so I don't limit it) and the 2-3 hours of Gilmore Girls we've been watching as a family most nights! I'm sooooo meeeeeeeaaaaaannnnnnn! DH sent her the NY Times article about Steve Jobs limiting his kids' screen time, and she stopped complaining quite so much. I don't know about your kids, but oldest DD is very motivated by articles like that, so maybe you can share third-party info to make more of an impact? We've also been talking a lot about self-discipline, prioritizing our time and resources, managing our day efficiently, etc. lately.

 

Anyway, if someone hasn't already said it, I would say to be cautious about making sweeping changes all at once, because it can make it harder for them to stick (harder for mom to enforce!), and the kids often feel completely overwhelmed and oppressed (:lol:). I've found making one change at a time to work better for us, and I've used rewards when we're really stuck. For example, I set a time limit on morning chores/routine and award a gem for each time they succeed in getting done within the time frame and without complaining, then I made up a reward list for them to choose from. It has the added incentive of teaching them to delay gratification, because the higher-level awards are pretty cool :tongue_smilie:

 

I'll be back to read more good advice later.

[Anne in CA]

We had things get out of hand and had to cut out all screens twice. I do not agree with posters who say not to go cold turkey. Screens have effects on the human brain I do not understand and unless you go cold turkey you are in for the Fight. Of. Your. Life. If you go cold turkey for three weeks you have a chance at a good attitude when you reintroduce little bits of screen time. If you just try to cut back you will have a fight on your hands from all fronts, and it is just not winnable. If you go cold turkey and have fun things for people to do instead and some fun planned activities (family game night, hikes, a live sporting event to attend) I bet you will have happy kids in a couple of days.

[Gentlemommy]

The easiest way I've found to limit screens is to allow them daily, at the same time. For us, it's around 1, after school and lunch and chores are done. They don't pester me anymore because they know they won't be on until after those things are done. Then, when the screens go on, I set a timer or limit right then. So for my littlest dd, she has a two 'show' (something like curious George so 40 minutes) limit. This makes it easy for her to accept when the TV need to be turned off. We do not use screens in the car, unless we are traveling for hours. I do not use them while waiting for sisters class to be done, we bring Legos or a crate of toys instead. It means more work for me, but I would rather pack/clean up toys than have them so dependent on a screen. I do not have games for them on my phone, but I do have educational ones (like xtramath, logic of English, numbers league, and DragonBox) on my iPad. They are not allowed to use my phone or iPad without asking. I know a lot of people buy their kids their own technology at these ages (9, 6, and 4) but I am resisting. I know my kids, they do much better with firm limits on these things.