Daughter wants to go to public school

[TheBugs]

I have been homeschooling my twins since preschool. I think things have been going great. In fact we have lots of fun and they are excelling in all the academic subjects too. At each evaluation the teacher tells me how great they are doing and how good the homeschooling is. She is a former public school teacher, but is very supportive of homeschooling. The only reason I bring this up, is to say that I have a lot of support.

 

So my daughter is convinced that public school is just awesome. I do not want to disparage public school in any way, but I have chosen to home school. She is complaining every day that she wants to go to public school. I don't know why she thinks it would be so much better than homeschool. Maybe it is just a case of the grass is always greener on the other side? Is it her age, 8? Is it because she socializes with kids who go to school and she feels left out?

 

The thing is the complaining is getting out of hand. I want to be firm that we have chosen to homeschool. It is a great choice and public school might be a good choice for others, but not for us. I think she thinks I am keeping a great thing from her and that  I am being selfish. 

 

Any advice? Thanks for reading my vent.

[Loowit]

My DD went through a stage like that when she was 8 or 9.  I think she just didn't like feeling different around other girls at dance and other outside activities.  I had her list reasons she wanted to go to public school and we talked through them.  Most of them were very unrealistic, but she had a few good points.  I told her that we would listen to her wants, but that ultimately her dad and I would decide until she was older.  We decided to continue to homeschool and when she would bring it up, I told her it wasn't open for debate and I wasn't going to allow her to disrupt by constantly bringing it up.  As she got older she had gotten more and more input in her schooling and by the time she was in middle school she decided she wanted to be homeschooled.  She has chosen to stick with homeschool until she graduates High School.

 

You may want to find out if friends are pressuring her or teasing her about school.  DD had a few kids that would ask her when she was going to go to "real school" and it really hurt her feelings.

 

My middle child also had a short phase of wanting to do public school, thanks to an interfering aunt, but then he had to go to the school for speech therapy once a week and hated all the rules.  He especially didn't like that he couldn't wear his hat, he has sensory issues and it is a comfort item for him, and now he has declared he will never go to public school.  My youngest has never expressed an interest in public school

[TheBugs]

I think listing the reasons are a great idea. I'll have my daughter do that and we can discuss with my husband. She hasn't really given me reasons, except that it is something she has never experienced and she thinks it will be fun.

 

I hoping that if we do more activities with other homeschoolers that she will appreciate it more. We moved to a new area that seems to have a group we will fit in with better and do more fun things.

[Ellie]

I have been homeschooling my twins since preschool. I think things have been going great. In fact we have lots of fun and they are excelling in all the academic subjects too. At each evaluation the teacher tells me how great they are doing and how good the homeschooling is. She is a former public school teacher, but is very supportive of homeschooling. The only reason I bring this up, is to say that I have a lot of support.

 

So my daughter is convinced that public school is just awesome. I do not want to disparage public school in any way, but I have chosen to home school. She is complaining every day that she wants to go to public school. I don't know why she thinks it would be so much better than homeschool. Maybe it is just a case of the grass is always greener on the other side? Is it her age, 8? Is it because she socializes with kids who go to school and she feels left out?

 

The thing is the complaining is getting out of hand. I want to be firm that we have chosen to homeschool. It is a great choice and public school might be a good choice for others, but not for us. I think she thinks I am keeping a great thing from her and that  I am being selfish. 

 

Any advice? Thanks for reading my vent.

 

This is when you look her in the eyeball and tell her that she may not speak to you so disrespectfully (by calling you "selfish"). Parents are by definition not selfish. What the heck does she think is selfish about you wanting to keep her home, where you have to be doing stuff with her all.day.long instead of gadding about with your friends and doing all the art projects you've put off since she was born and taking naps in the middle of the day and sitting in a comfy chair reading...but I digress...You look her in the eyeball and tell her that it is your responsibility to make certain decisions for her while she is young, that homeschooling is what is best for her at this time, and that she must cease and desist from complaining and whining, because from this point on there will be negative consequences for that behavior.

[PollyOR]

Between television shows and teacher catalogs I received in the mail, classrooms looked fun to my kids too.  And yes, the grass looks greener on the other side. :)  

[G5052]

No way would I entertain this further.

 

When mine played a lot with neighborhood kids who got on the bus together and played at recess together, it came up off and on, and my answer was always the same, "It doesn't seem like it, but I have your best interests at heart.  We're sticking with homeschooling. There are some decisions that parents make the kids don't get to make."

 

On other issues, I was willing to listen to their arguments and concerns, but not that one.

 

Ironically those same kids completely rejected mine as "weird" when middle school hit, and they haven't brought it up in years.

 

Several of their friends from activities are in public school, and they still have no interest.  To some extent, they know that they have it good ;). 

[michaeljenn]

I bet it is a stage... I am sure that PS is great for some kiddo's, but I would not let her go.  I speak from experience.  My older ones wanted to go to PS and I let them in HS.  We had to deal with A LOT of stuff!!  It was not worth it at all.  My 7 and 10yo were in PS last year, and they begged and begged to come home.  The year before that, they wanted to go... LOL  They learned real fast that the grass is not greener!

[AimeeM]

I'm going to answer differently, I guess.

I would let her try school. Now, in our case, it would be Catholic school (a compromise), but I want my children to own their education.

 

Just something to consider. If your child were in public school, and that was the choice you had made for your family at this time, but complained constantly about disliking school, and wanting to be homeschooled/other... would you have the same reaction as you've had here?

 

 

[TheBugs]

I'm going to answer differently, I guess.

I would let her try school. Now, in our case, it would be Catholic school (a compromise), but I want my children to own their education.

 

Just something to consider. If your child were in public school, and that was the choice you had made for your family at this time, but complained constantly about disliking school, and wanting to be homeschooled/other... would you have the same reaction as you've had here?

 

 

I want my children to own their education too, but right now public school is not an option and neither is private school. (How I have them own their education is letting them choose some topics to study and I help them with that by taking them to the library and getting them whatever learning materials they need to satisfy their interests.)  We're in a situation where we might have to move to a different district in the middle of a school year, so I would not want to disrupt the year like that, so even if I were to consider that at some point, I wouldn't for this school year

 

And I guess if I had my children enrolled in public school, I would have personal and family reasons to have decided on that option too. If I had chosen public school it would have been because my husband and I both need to work or I have other commitments such as taking care of a family member. Or if ideologically I believed public school is the best for everyone or that it would benefit my children. But I don't think that way, so I don't know what I would do....

[lea1]

I have two 8YO sons and in January one of them started fighting me about school every day.  He has always been a more difficult child but this was over the top even for him. Even though he never said anything about going to P.S. I had a feeling he wanted to go because his friends in the neighborhood go.  His number one favorite thing to do is to play with friends so I suspected that was the issue. Finally, I decided to sign them both up for public school, primarily because I knew he would not like it but he clearly wanted to know what he was missing.  He loves his play time. He had also been in occupational therapy, had a lot of trouble with writing and did not have to write nearly as much as P.S. requires.

 

They went for one week. At the end of one week all four of us (me, dh and both sons) were done with P.S.  They loved riding the bus, recess and lunch but that was about it.  He now knows that he is not missing out on tons of playtime with friends while they are at school and that he gets a lot more play time at home.  He also knows that he does not have to write as much at home. 

 

The nice thing is that everyone at the school was really very kind, helpful and not against homeschooling.  When we decided to go back to homeschooling, they were very sweet about it and understood.  Some of the administrators/teachers had friends and family who homeschool so that probably helped too.  The boys also tested very well so they felt we were doing a good job at home too.  One of the teachers even came out to ask me about what curricula we use in our homeschool and some other things.  So that was all good.

 

We are happily homeschooling again now and neither of the boys want to go to P.S., which is great.  I understand that this kind of test could backfire on someone, if the school was a good fit for the child though.  It really is not a good fit for this particular son because of his writing issues.  He is just not able to write the amount they would require now.  During the one week, he would try so hard to get all of the writing done in his homework.  He would sit and cry (very sadly, not angrily) and would be right back at it first thing the next morning trying to finish.  He was reading at a 7th grade level but at P.S., in second grade, he was reading from a level 2 reader and was having to write answers to a bunch of questions about the reader.  I explained that we just don't need to do that at home because we can discuss the books he reads.

 

Anyway, TMI probably but that was our experience.   We are peaceful homeschoolers now:).

[Arcadia]

My older boy wants to be back at school to get away from his brother. He explicitly stated time and again that 24/7 with his brother is driving him nuts.

They are at the same camp this week but they purposely put themselves into different groups for all of the activities. Its good because my younger cannot rely on my older.

 

It may be age or it may be about being a twin. There is a reason schools purposely split twins into different classes. The public school my older attended actually state the twin policy in their parent handbook.

 

It could be that the grass is greener syndrome but I'll ask why. Sometimes compromising in little ways are easily done.

[TheBugs]

My daughter loves playing with her brother, so I don't think she would like to split up. In fact she is very shy and in their outside activities I feel like he helps her to have more confidence.

 

Something I don't understand is my that my daughter absolutely hates workbooks and she hates tests.  She likes hands on assignments and she is really into researching and things like that. I gave her a reading comprehension test and she refused to fill in the bubbles on the answer sheet, she circled them instead. I told her that in public school she would have to fill the bubbles in or she wouldn't get a score for her test and she told me that in public school they would give her detention and that would make her follow the directions. She has an answer for everything. 

 

The only reason she has given for wanting to go to public school is that it is what other kids do.  

 

[almondbutterandjelly]

Well, some may think this is too harsh, but you could always try doing school like public school at home for a week or so.  Look up their schedule and adhere to it strictly.  Be sure to have math books that she's not allowed to write in (a cheap way to do this would be Rod and Staff).  Have worksheets.  Send the kids outside for recess however often (or not often as is usually the case) the school does for the small length of time they get.  In first grade in private school, my dd got recess once a week on Friday.  If someone was naughty, it was taken away.

[TheBugs]

Well, some may think this is too harsh, but you could always try doing school like public school at home for a week or so.  Look up their schedule and adhere to it strictly.  Be sure to have math books that she's not allowed to write in (a cheap way to do this would be Rod and Staff).  Have worksheets.  Send the kids outside for recess however often (or not often as is usually the case) the school does for the small length of time they get.  In first grade in private school, my dd got recess once a week on Friday.  If someone was naughty, it was taken away.

 

LOL. I am pretty sure my kids would mutiny if I tried school at home. They detest their spectrum workbooks. They don't particularly enjoy listening to me talking about math. This morning I was giving a lesson making a timeline to figure out how much time has passed between 8:40 AM and 3:20 PM. My daughter was like, "Mom, this is so boring, let me try to figure it out myself."  When I explain that in public school you can't talk like that to teacher and you have to listen patiently even when you already know it all, she won't have it. She thinks that all the boredom and sitting in a desk will be worth it just to be at the school. She'll take the detention and the school food, recess taken away, she wants it all.

[Arcadia]

She likes hands on assignments and she is really into researching and things like that. I gave her a reading comprehension test and she refused to fill in the bubbles on the answer sheet, she circled them instead.

...

The only reason she has given for wanting to go to public school is that it is what other kids do.

Circling is less tiring then coloring bubbles. My older boy sat for the common core styled state tests on laptops earlier this year. He is happy that he don't need to color bubbles anymore.

 

My kids like some workbooks but not others. Kids learn alot through hands on and research. Have you consider child led learning?

 

As for going to school because other kids do, I remind my kids that it means lots of seat time which is what they loathe :D

I did sign them up for a once a week hands on science "class" so they can create a mess with peers somewhere else :)

 

ETA:

Spectrum workbooks remind my kids of test prep :lol: They like the sadlier oxford vocabulary workbook and my younger like the evan moor daily geography workbook.

[freesia]

First: My oldest wanted to go to school from 5 yo-9. Now he doesn't.

My oldest dd quietly wants to go to school bc "she thinks it would be fun." But she is happy and cooperative about our school.

 

However, something I wondered about your dd from the first post and now really wonder from the latest post is that it sounds like she knows it bugs you that she wants to go. She seems to be asserting her independence right now. I don't know if she's always been so strong willed, but the calling you selfish, bubbling in the circles her own way examples make me think that she is pushing against you right now. Those of my friends and I who have had girls find that around 9 they do start the road to adolescents and begin eye rolling, glaring, stomping off. Calling you selfish really makes me think that she knows this gets to you and she is trying to "get you going." How you deal with it is up to your family.

 

Listen to her reasons and talk to dh, but if/when you say no, saying it clearly and enter into no drama, extended explanations, debates. In fact, I would recommend handling drama as a discipline issue in this case. Refuse to listen to hysterics or disrepect. I have dramatic children. I affirm that I've heard that they are unhappy (or whatever) but that they need to pull it together. No calling Mom selfish. No punishing you for decisions she doesn't like.

[TGHEALTHYMOM]

I can feel your pain.  My dh has agreed to allow our dd14 to try ps this year.  It has already begun and she can start on Monday.  

 

I am not for this at all, and have discussed it with her in calm ways.  I have asked her what she would like to do to make this year more fun and she wants to play guitar, so dh bought her a nice guitar and found a teacher.  

 

DD14 has been pressured and made fun of in our church to go to ps or she will be missing so much fun!  One family wanted her to move in with them to go to the county our church is in and attend ps with their dd14!

So, I mean it, she has had a lot of pressure!  She has been back and forth at accepting home schooling again but keeps seeing the same people and wanting to go to ps with them.  It simply cannot happen.

 

DH proceeded to ask her if she would like to go to our county ps or homeschool.  I hate that he asked her when he was leaving one night and did not discuss it with me at all.  She gloated in telling me he just gave her permission to go to ps!

 

Of course I had a serious meltdown and asked him when he got home what he was thinking.  He just said he asked what she would rather do, like it was no big deal.  

 

He has no formal education past High School and no real concept of the value of Classical education.  I have read many books, had mentors, learned as much as possible, and we both attended a support group when our oldest 3 children were young.  That ceased 6 years ago.  We have been in IEW writing class one year and a small memory work/ Science co-op one year.  Last year just our oldest 2 were in a Notgrass World History group.  Outsourcing is very difficult with our limited internet and budget.  

 

DH scoffed at me when I suggested a math tutor.  He has offered to help so many times and even this year.  He ends up being too tired and too busy to actually help with any lessons.  I am ok with that as long as he supports me, buys the curriculum, and keeps us accountable as well as helps in some way every day with reading aloud, baths, supper or yard work.  

 

DS17 also has been working full time with dh ( at his work) so, he has a 2 hour window he can do some lessons ( The 3 R's)  

 

Our biggest problem is the tv at night.  We don't have cable or satellite or even an antenna hooked up.  Dh agreed to only watch movies on Wednesday or Friday nights but it is usually his idea or he brings a New movie home on an off night.  I was ok during the summer some but am trying to get back on track.  

 

I have many battles and don't feel like fighting and always being the "Bad Cop"  but dh forces me to be the one who says NO too much.

[Arcadia]

DS17 also has been working full time with dh ( at his work) so, he has a 2 hour window he can do some lessons ( The 3 R's) .

I would be a lot more worried about your son if he has only 2hrs of academic time per day. My cousins, nephews and nieces who help out in the family businesses all clocked in more than 2hrs of academics.

[TheBugs]

Thanks for all the advice and support. I agree that she knows she is pushing my buttons. And I think I will treat drama as a discipline issue.

[idnib]

I agree with Ellie and think you need to put a stop to this, stat. Good luck!

 

ETA: Forgot to add re: being called selfish. That's not about school, thats just disrespect. If one of my kids called me selfish, I'd go non-linear!

[TheBugs]

I agree with Ellie and think you need to put a stop to this, stat. Good luck!

 

ETA: Forgot to add re: being called selfish. That's not about school, thats just disrespect. If one of my kids called me selfish, I'd go non-linear!

Ha ha. Well I think she has been practicing using the word selfish because we recently had a family discussion about the difference between being selfish and considering everyone 's needs. So I think we need to have another discussion about using terms for emotional manipulation and disrespect.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

If it's absolutely not an option then tell her so and move forward. The end.

 

I am one to let them try public school, but I am not anti school it just didn't work for us. If we moved and had better school options we might change our minds.

 

Some kids thrive in brick and mortar schools.

[Tracy]

I have always been very honest with my kids about what they can expect at public school.  Yes, you get to ride the bus. . . at 7am.  Yes, you get to meet a lot of people and make friends and play during recess . . . only with kids in your grade.  And if you talk to them during class, you will get in trouble.  (And I have one that cannot stop talking.)  You will have to do more work in less time, and you will bring home homework most nights.  I tell them that if they ever had to go to school, they would do okay, but that there are challenges there just like we have challenges at home.  

 

They don't have any interest in going to school, and sometimes I worry about that.  At this point, there is no option to go to school.  But I knew a homeschool mom who died in childbirth, and all her children had to go to school.  So I know that nothing is written in stone.  I don't want my kids to be afraid of public school, either.  It is hard to walk the line between touting the benefits of homeschooling without making them afraid of going to school.  

[TGHEALTHYMOM]

I would be a lot more worried about your son if he has only 2hrs of academic time per day. My cousins, nephews and nieces who help out in the family businesses all clocked in more than 2hrs of academics.

I will have to check his work and discuss books he reads and ask him to do writing, brush up on English and get some foreign language at home.  I also may check online for  a Science class or just have them all study the same science with more in depth study for him and some labs at home.  We have plenty to choose from here along with some TC dvd sets.  

 

I was not aware that dh would allow him to continue working full time until this weekend.  

 

Another plan he has is to save up for a motorcycle and work 2nd shift so he can sleep later, help a little at home ( mowing, cooking breakfast some, etc.) and study more. 

This will take him a few more months to get accomplished and if it does not work out... I can go get him earlier than dh would bring him home.  He can get a ride home earlier some days.

He is also laid off some days each month due to lack of work or parts available.  

[Starr]

By high school my dd said the only thing she really missed was that she never had a locker. haha  A friend picked one up at an auction and dd and dh cleaned it up and painter it. It's great in her room. These phases come and go but since they don't know what they are comparing I figure they don't get a vote. 

[Ravin]

Well, yesterday was my DD's first day of school--in 6th grade. It's starting to sink in that it's not going to be just like her enrichment program (run buy a PS district).

[LLMom]

I haven't read the replies , but is she a very social child?  If so, does she have enough opportunities for socialization?  I ask because I am an introvert and have several extroverted children.  I finally learned to get them the outlets they needed.  They are now in school which really fits them.  

[fairfarmhand]

Here's a sort of transcript for the conversation that I had with my dd when for years, she whined begged and complained about homeschooling. Around the 6-7 grade it got really bad.

 

Before we had this conversation though, I explored exactly WHY she was pushing for it. 

 

Friends was a biggie. So that meant that I had to go above and beyond my comfort zone to help her with social outlets. We've come to a good place in the past few years where we can both live with the level of friend time. It's more than I prefer but less than she prefers. So a good compromise.

 

Another issue was that she hated having to wait on my assistance because I was helping siblings. She wanted to get done.

 

Another was her autonomy. She thrives on it. This meant that I had to make her lists, give her guidelines and allow her to be more autonomous. This has culminated in her doing an online school rather than me teaching her.

 

The conversation I has went like this:

 

"dd, I love you and I want the best for you. We've talked and talked about how you want to go to school,. I've explained my side of it. I know you disagree, but that's where being a good parent comes in. I don't give you kids everything that you want because sometimes you don;t see the whole picture like a parent does. So you're going to need to trust me that I I'm homeschooling because it's what's best for you and what's best for the whole family.

 

your needs and opinions are important in the family, but as a good mom, I have to think about everyone's needs too and balance that out. 

 

Currently, homeschooling all of you is what is best for our family and for you. Even though you don't see it. 

 

So, while I understand your wishes, they are just not going to happen for the time being. you are just going to have to accept that. "

 

Now we're a Christian family, so you may or may not want to adapt your spiel to include this.

 

"For our family, it's God's will that you be home with us homeschooling. If you think that I am missing God's will in this area, you just need to pray about it. Spend that time that you are complaining talking to God about it. Every day, I seek God's will about our family, and it will be up to Him to change my mind about homeschooling. Not you by whining and complaining."

 

I continued.

 

"From now on, I want you to drop all comments, complaining, and arguing about attending school. I've listened to you, and I am trying to integrate the things that you would like to do differently. But the time for you to drop the subject has come. If I hear more about it, there will be consequences. Do not mention it to me or to anyone else. The topic is closed."

[TheBugs]

I haven't read the replies , but is she a very social child?  If so, does she have enough opportunities for socialization?  I ask because I am an introvert and have several extroverted children.  I finally learned to get them the outlets they needed.  They are now in school which really fits them.  

 

That's the thing. She is not extroverted. But she does like making friends. She's very shy, but she always makes a friend in whatever class she does. She is better with one and one. But she doesn't like interacting in a big group. 

 

Today we went to a homeschool group and she met some girls and she was very happy. I think things are going to get better the more we get involved with co-op and things like that. We didn't really have a support group that had activities my kids liked in our old town, but where we are now it seems like there is a lot more fun things for the kids to do.