..

[lamppost]

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[regentrude]

By spending time with them and listening to them.

When my kids were this age, we spent one entire day hiking as a family. It was great. No distractions from phone, computer, household tasks, other people - just uninterrupted talking time while hiking through the woods. Listening to a child talk for five hours about the things he is interested in is a fabulous way to find out how they think and what they care about.

And then of course, we had meals together where we talked, and spent every weekday afternoon at the park.

[Jenny in Florida]

Time and paying attention, being genuinely interested in them as people.

 

Over the years, I've spent a LOT of time in the car with my kids, ferrying them from one activity to another. And we've spent those uncountable hours talking, laughing, singing, listening to audiobooks . . . I talk with them, listen to them, share with them, just like I do with any other person I like, whose company I enjoy. 

[JustEm]

My kids are 5,4, and 1. I get to know them by playing with them however they want to play. I very rarely suggest things to do because they all have so much they want to do with me that they don't need suggestions. Even if we are all playing with the same toy each one plays with it differently. This shows me who they are as individuals and I make it a point to remember.

 

We also talk all the time! We talk about what we're doing today, what we did yesterday, how things work, God, whatever is on their minds, etc. There is nothing I won't talk about if they ask. If I feel like it is too mature of a topic I ask them what they think about it and why they asked before putting any of my own input in. This helps me gauge where they are at in terms of the topic and if they really want to know or just happen to have heard about it and decided to mention it.

[fairfarmhand]

turn off the screens. Set down the cell phone. Be fully present in the moment. I've even had to put the camera away. My kids needed me more than a chronologically labeled presentation of their whole lives.

 

Listen.

 

Pay attention to what they are interested in and ask questions.

 

I'm not the type to sit down and "play" with my kids a whole lot.

 

However, we do board games and puzzles.

 

We work together and sit around outside together.

[elegantlion]

Listen, play, ask questions and listen to their answers. For me, the key with listening was to listen only, don't use EVERY moment as a time to instruct or correct, ask questions about their answers. 

 

One fun project I did was during nature study allow ds to take pictures. We had a great yard for nature study and would go out  and explore a lot. He was about 8 or 9 and he took the pictures that day, totally different perspective. I saw the world from his viewpoint and it was very different than what I was seeing. 

 

Be interested in what they're interested in. Do things at their level with them. At 16 ds will still come and have long conversations about what project he's working on. Be willing to stand in the toy aisle as they debate the merits of product x or y. We had endless discussions about what Lego set would be a good addition or what Nerf gun would be the next best thing or even what Thomas train should be next. 

 

You're building the trust that they are important to you. Of course, they are, but they need to see it from their level. 

 

 

 

 

[lamppost]

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[Slache]

I climb in my son's bed when they're sleeping in too late and ask him to tell me stories. They share a room so this is a family activity. I also will sit in the back of the car with them on rides and chat.

[fairfarmhand]

Well I guess that's just it and why I even feel the need to ask this question. I'm not particularly enjoying their company or even liking them much lately. I'm spending a lot of time managing their behavior rather than talking about anything else or doing anything fun. I know there must be a good kid in there somewhere under all the whining, tantrums, and attitude!

 

Get to the root.

 

Is your routine off for summer? Some kids really need a solid routine to stay pleasant.

 

Are they going to bed too late?

 

Are you feeding them "less healthy" summer fare? I'm all for an occasional hot dog, but sometimes I overdo it if it;s too hot to feel like cooking.

 

One other thing. I find that I avoid my kids when they are displaying irritating habits. However, what they really need is ME to initiate a fun something so they feel that my attention is on them in a good way. It's most helpful to do this at the beginning of the day before we get started in the negative spiral. I feel like I am filling them up with positive attention before the day ever gets started.

 

Also, when the downward spiral first begins, we stop. every. thing. I feel that I have to step in and stop the cycle before we get too far down the path.

 

They sometimes go to their rooms for a short rest period. They can read or draw but they must be quiet and still for a few minutes (20 minutes is good)

 

Sometimes we do a read aloud for a few minutes.

 

One day, we rearranged the living room furniture crazily, set the couch in the exact center of the room and read books for awhile. (That day I think they were bored and the change of furniture made things more interesting)

 

Sometimes when the whinies hit we'll ALL sit on the porch and eat popsicles. Just stepping in with a positive solution is being proactive against the whiny grumpies.

 

I try to, as often as I can, walk with them through the attitudes rather than just grumping back at them.

 

This many times is a "reset button" for problems in the house.

[Jenny in Florida]

Well I guess that's just it and why I even feel the need to ask this question. I'm not particularly enjoying their company or even liking them much lately. I'm spending a lot of time managing their behavior rather than talking about anything else or doing anything fun. I know there must be a good kid in there somewhere under all the whining, tantrums, and attitude!

 

Hmmm, I enjoyed my kids at those ages. It seemed like they were busy turning into real people right about then. They were starting to get interested in things, to have their own independent likes and dislikes. 

 

I mean, sure, there were behavior things. My daughter went through a very rough patch between late four and almost six. But in between the storms, we had a good time playing games and reading aloud and watching Disney movies and singing.

 

What do your kids like to do? What are their interests? 

[catz]

<snip>  One other thing. I find that I avoid my kids when they are displaying irritating habits. However, what they really need is ME to initiate a fun something so they feel that my attention is on them in a good way. It's most helpful to do this at the beginning of the day before we get started in the negative spiral. I feel like I am filling them up with positive attention before the day ever gets started. <snip>

 

This is a great post.  We have had a few times where I feel like every last thing about my kids is bugging the heck out of me and then I need to step back and re-engage and find ways to laugh and have fun together.  It's actually been pretty smooth sailing the last few years.  It was harder when they were younger. 

[OneStepAtATime]

As others have said. turn off the TV, the cell phone, the computer, and genuinely listen to what they have to say.   Do things that they want to do with enthusiasm even if you have no interest.  Share with them your own thoughts and feelings about things.  Talk about dreams you had as a child.  Involve them in things you have interest in.  Don't make every conversation one hinged on "educating" and "instructing".  When they do things you don't agree with, don't always immediate correct the behavior.  Help them brainstorm WHY they did what they did.  Try to gain a better understanding of the motivations and thought processes behind their choices. 

[lamppost]

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[Hyacinth]

Ask questions without using their responses as a springboard for correction/lecturing. Some ideas:

 

• What is your happiest memory?
• What do you like about being a kid?
• What don't you like about being a kid?
• Name three words to describe yourself.
• Name three words to describe (mom, dad, sibling).
• What advice would you give your parents?
• If you could be any animal, which one would you be and why?
• What is your favorite thing to do? Why?
• What is your favorite thing to do with your friends?
• What do you love most about your sibling?
• What was the nicest thing you did for someone?
• What is the nicest thing someone has done for you?
• What do you think you will be doing 10 years from now?
• What would be the ideal allowance? Tell me how you would use it.
• Name two things we should do as a family on the weekend.
• What is the grossest thing you can think of?

 

[lamppost]

 

Ask questions without using their responses as a springboard for correction/lecturing. Some ideas:

 

 

 

Ah, thank you- this list is the kind of thing I've been looking for.

[Alicia64]

 

 

I'm trying to figure out how to avoid them really.  (I'm kidding!)  Just saying I have plenty of opportunity to get to know them.

 

You often crack me up!

[Guest]

A big thing for me was to recognize what each of their love languages are. (The 5 Love Languages of Children) My son's is words of affirmation and my daughter's is quality time. My daughter and I clash the most, and it is ironic because my love language is also quality time. When she is acting out a lot, I have to step back (after thinking about what others have mentioned: sleep, diet, etc.) and evaluate the amount of quality time I've been giving to her. Nine times out of ten, I haven't been giving her quality 1 on 1 time. The thing to remember about love languages is that whatever a person's love language is, the opposite of that is the most detrimental to them. So, harsh words will destroy my son quicker than anything else. When I lack giving my daughter quality time, that will cause her to act out. I don't know if that's good advice across the board, but I know it's made a HUGE difference in my relationships with my kids.

[heartosunshine]

Maybe try some one on one time with each? Mine often behaved much better when separated and it gave me an opportunity to get to know them as individuals. It doesn't have to be a huge event. It could be a walk around the block, $1 ice cream at a local fast food place, going to the library, etc. When we did this on a regular basis they behaved much better when they were together. Mine are teens now and I feel like I really know them and I really enjoy spending time with them!

[albeto.]

 

 

7: Where did you put the yogurt?

Me: We don't have any left.

7: (Throws herself on the floor in a belly flop and starts kicking) Nothing EVER EVER goes my way!! I can't BELIEVE we don't have any yogurt left! Go get more right now!!! All I want is a yogurt!! (Carries on this way for a while.)

 

 

 

7: What are we doing today?

Me: We're meeting some friends at the park, then if you want we can go swimming.

7: Ugh, only TWO THINGS?? This is the WORST DAY EVER!! I don't even want to go ANYWHERE if we're only going two places! (Runs up to her room to slam the door and sulk.)

 

 

We wrote ideal self-talk prompts to deal with frustrations like this. An ideal prompt might sound like this:

 

Sometimes I look forward to something a lot. I feel very excited when I want something and think I'm going to get it. Sometimes I don't get what I want. When I get surprised by this, I feel very frustrated. Sometimes I feel so mad I want to kick and scream. Kicking and screaming may feel good because I have so much energy bursting in my body that I don't know what else to do. Kicking and screaming does not solve my problems, though. A better way to solve my problem is to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and count to ten. My mom and dad will wait quietly while I do this. They will not rush me, so I know I have this time to calm down my body. If I still have too much angry energy, I might run on the sidewalk, do jumping jacks, or organize something in my room. When my body calms down, I feel better. 

 

We also had a flow chart on the refrigerator that gave two options to Not Having What I Want: I Whine And Fuss ---> Mom and Dad get irritated and angry ---> People are not so friendly and patient when irritated and angry & Not Having What I Want: I close my eyes and take a deep breath and count to ten ---> Mom or Dad will help me solve my problem ---> I may get something else.

 

We also did a lot of talk about the mechanics of what's going on - adrenaline. Knowing that one feels enraged because things suddenly are intolerable is helpful because it identifies a feeling. Knowing the cause of this rage is due to a physiological reaction is helpful because it explains why this is happening. I think giving kids the tools to identify what they're feeling, what they can do when things do go their way, and ultimately how to respond without creating more problems, really does empower them in a way that most kids simply don't learn because an adult authority is standing by to punish if they get out of hand. Avoiding punishment helps curb the behavior, but I wouldn't encourage that because this isn't a willful act of defiance - it's a response to circumstances out of her control. She cannot control the adrenaline production in her body, but she can learn what to do to slow it down or channel it in a socially appropriate way (one that doesn't create more problems for her or others). 

 

To this end, I would spend a lot of time this summer on the floor playing with your kids. When you see her start to get frustrated, be the calm voice that will eventually become her self-talk voice. Help her identify her feelings and help her brainstorm some solutions. 

 

Sometimes, there is no solution. We simply don't get what we want. That's frustrating. It's helpful to know it's not just her. It's helpful to know everyone has to learn to deal with this, even you, and even your husband and his boss and the police and all the way up to the President of the United States. Some people deal with it better than others. This is called having a "thick skin." Show her examples of people who have a "thick skin" to circumstances beyond their control, when things are frustrating but they move on. Help her develop resilience. 

 

When you see examples of her or others showing patience, verbalize it. Point it out. Mention it casually, like how nice it felt to know the person standing at the cash register was patient that time when you thought you had a dime and looked and looked and looked but you couldn't find it, how sometimes people stomp and sigh and give all kinds of body language to show they're annoyed, but when someone waits patiently, it helps you stay calm and in control and maintains your good mood. When she shows patience, thank her for it. Be sincere, be appreciative, be vigilant about those times she does. Highlighting that will show her how to focus her attention on those opportunities that will come up for her to show patience, and she will learn to correlate that with a virtue that others appreciate. 

 

And when you spend your days doing floor play with your kids, let them show you what they're the experts at. There's something, even if it doesn't seem it to you, there's something they identify with being really knowledgeable and skilled about. Let that shine. They'll know you're a big fan of theirs, and they'll appreciate it. It will go a long way to their wanting to show you patience and courtesy, because we love to reciprocate the feeling to people who make us feel good. 

[rocassie]

Well I guess that's just it and why I even feel the need to ask this question. I'm not particularly enjoying their company or even liking them much lately. I'm spending a lot of time managing their behavior rather than talking about anything else or doing anything fun. I know there must be a good kid in there somewhere under all the whining, tantrums, and attitude!

For me, this sometimes is an indicator that said child needs some quality one-on-one time with me.  I will try to do something fun; a picnic at the park, a walk, out to dinner, etc.  Sometimes we will discuss what's been going on.  "Hey I noticed lately that you and sibling haven't been getting along lately.  Why do you get so mad at sibling?"  Other times we talk about whatever books they have read or listened too.  I may ask about a class they are taking.  I will even talk about myself when I was their age.  

 

 

Added to your second post.  My 7yo DD is very much like how you described your DD.  I think I have heard the same exact phase out of her mouth.  LOL.  I do address it because I consider it disrespectful(which really pushes my buttons, maybe that's why she does it:) ) but not until after she has calmed down.

[swellmomma]

How do you get to know your kids? What do you do together and what kinds of conversations do you have? I guess I mean, how do you develop a close relationship with them? My kids are 5 and 7. 

I listen more than I talk.  They are pretty cool when you stop and really listen to their thoughts as they prattle on through the day. I mean really that is the best way to get to know anyone, we have 2 ears and only 1 mouth and yet we usually allow our mouths to hold the advantage kwim

 

 

 As for doing things together at those ages, read, play games, watch movies, go for walks, play hair dresser, dd6 loves "snuggle buggles" what we have called cuddles since toddlerhood.  With my older kids when they were those ages we started jammie rides.  After baths and jammies instead of announcing bedtime I would say "jammie ride" and they would pile into the car and we would go for a ride into the country and just drive to drive.  We would stop off for a treat sometimes, sometimes just drive back roads making our way back into the city in a different location, once we drove an hour to a beach and played in the sand at 11 pm in pj's.  We haven't done those since moving to the country, seems stupid to drive back to the city just cause lol so dd6 hasn't known those like the bigs did.  

[Alice]

Well I guess that's just it and why I even feel the need to ask this question. I'm not particularly enjoying their company or even liking them much lately. I'm spending a lot of time managing their behavior rather than talking about anything else or doing anything fun. I know there must be a good kid in there somewhere under all the whining, tantrums, and attitude!

 

I find when this is true for me it often helps to spend special one on one time with the kid that I'm having the problem with. The key in my mind is to do something fun, something that they want to do and to NOT spend any time talking about whatever problems you are having. We've done things like go mini-golfing or out to eat or to the pet store to watch the animals or just for a bike ride. Talk about anything but not the behavior issues. It helps me to remember what I love about them rather than to just see whatever behavior problem we are having. And usually afterwards I find the behavior improves greatly. 

[Tohru]

I do think they're particularly whiny. My daughter, the 7-year-old, has a personality that I find very challenging. My son has always been incredibly easy and good-natured, particularly as a toddler/preschooler... but he seems to be picking up many of big sister's habits and lately has been just as much of a challenge as she has always been.

 

These are some examples from the 7-year-old over the past couple of days.

 

7: Where did you put the yogurt?

Me: We don't have any left.

7: (Throws herself on the floor in a belly flop and starts kicking) Nothing EVER EVER goes my way!! I can't BELIEVE we don't have any yogurt left! Go get more right now!!! All I want is a yogurt!! (Carries on this way for a while.)

 

 

 

7: What are we doing today?

Me: We're meeting some friends at the park, then if you want we can go swimming.

7: Ugh, only TWO THINGS?? This is the WORST DAY EVER!! I don't even want to go ANYWHERE if we're only going two places! (Runs up to her room to slam the door and sulk.)

 

 

She'll have outbursts like this anywhere from several times a day (on a good day) to dozens a day (on a particularly bad day). "Worst Day Ever" is pretty much her catchphrase that she uses daily. I sometimes try to deflect her with humor, point out the absurdity of her overreaction, teach and model an alternate reaction to a disappointment (that worked well when she was a toddler but not so much now). Sometimes I send her to her room to chill out, sometimes I send myself to my room to chill out. When she's calm I'll try to talk to her about how her behavior affects the family. Nothing seems to have made a lasting impression and I wonder if this is just how she is and always will be. 

 

Honestly, this sounds like there is a lot of turmoil and anxiety going on inside of her. 

 

Do you have a predictable routine, with regular meal times and a meal plan, and regular activities (activities being things like quiet or busy, not just Activities outside the house)?  There is a safe feeling children get when they know what to expect next, what and when they're going to eat.  The knowing what to expect eliminates a lot of these types of problems.

 

For the personality issue and not liking being around them, Gordon Neufeld has a fantastic parenting book you might read, or if you're short on time, he's got some Youtube videos that might be helpful right now..

 

ETA: I do not know of a single person that likes or benefits from some one else "pointing out the absurdity" of their reaction.  This just makes people more angry and their feelings invalidated.  Perhaps you could try addressing her concerns compassionately?

[swellmomma]

She'll have outbursts like this anywhere from several times a day (on a good day) to dozens a day (on a particularly bad day). "Worst Day Ever" is pretty much her catchphrase that she uses daily. I sometimes try to deflect her with humor, point out the absurdity of her overreaction, teach and model an alternate reaction to a disappointment (that worked well when she was a toddler but not so much now). Sometimes I send her to her room to chill out, sometimes I send myself to my room to chill out. When she's calm I'll try to talk to her about how her behavior affects the family. Nothing seems to have made a lasting impression and I wonder if this is just how she is and always will be. 

Part of this is age as well.  I have a hard time keeping a straight face when mine pull that one.  DS10 will go into his room and I can hear him in there nattering about the horribleness that is his life.  DD6s favorite catch phrase is "I just can't believe this is my life!" I don't listen to their diatribes, ds10 knows to go to his room because that is what he has always been told to do.  Go in there and b*tch to your hearts content and then come back out when you are ready to be a sensible human being.  DD6 I respond almost every time with "I know, right!" All she wants is to feel heard.  At that age fairness (real or perceived) trumps all, and when something seems unfair and therefore a travesty she just wants to be acknowledged.  Usually after 1 or 2 "I know, right!"s she is ready to move on with life and be cheerful again.  I have also been known to bring out "alexander and the horrible, no good, very bad day" and read it to them yet again during a quiet time and then the next time they start with the worst day ever I ask if this is the "H's horrible, no good very bad day" and if I should write it down so we can be famous authors.  I usually get a bigger scowl followed by a "no, but blah blah blah" and they are fine.  They just needed to change gears.  The bedroom and I know rights are way easier and I am more consistent with them

[Ausmumof3]

Are you getting any time alone? I find I get out of touch with my kids when I'm constantly with them. Get a couple of hours break and you see them with fresh eyes. The other thing is to just sit back and watch them when they're absorbed. See what is totally involving them. You might get some clues for activities to help.

 

For the seven year old I would be telling her, it's ok to say you aren't happy but it's not ok to lay on the floor and scream. Keep it calm but firm.

[Guest]

I just wanted to say (as I blew my likes last night) that there is such good advice in this thread! Albeto, wow! What an amazing way to help a child understand disappointment.