Why is it common to publish the personal information of a domestic abuse victim?

[AimeeM]

Long story short, if you remember my threads about my sister and her husband (BIL):

He attacked her, with a weapon, a couple nights ago. Blessedly, a young (very well endowed) young man has been staying there with them (with his own family) and stopped the attack, but not before he was able to inflict some damage (all in front of the children).

My sister FINALLY had the courage to call the police. BIL will not be getting out - he was already on watch, as he's awaiting trial for assault charges against an elderly person involving a weapon. The other night when the police responded, he assaulted a few officers as well.

 

My sister FINALLY felt safe. She slept for the first time in ages.

 

... until she realized that they made the paper. As did their names and address.

 

Now she's scared again. And she's humiliated.

 

... and I can't help but wonder if things like this contribute to women not reporting domestic violence. Now, anyone who wants to know, can see that a female victim with no weapons (because weapons were taken from the house) lives at that address (and it's a very nice neighborhood). Beyond the safety aspect, she's humiliated.

 

I'm annoyed. There has to be a reason why they publish this information. I'm not thinking straight, I know, and it's probably a ridiculously silly thing to be annoyed about.

[AimeeM]

That sucks.  I didn't know they would do such things.  I suppose there is no way to publish his name either without being able to figure out who she is.  And they do often report the criminal.  But either way, why mention the victim? 

 

Hope things get better for her.

 

They didn't mention her name, just their last name, his picture and full and full name, and their full address. The full address, including specifics about the subdivision, is what gets me.

[AimeeM]

I will say that in the midst of being annoyed about the paper, my heart was warmed by the police who responded. They had responded there before (the suicide attempt) and knew the family. They knew that my sister had no cash on her and no access to the account, so they gave her money out of their own pockets for gas, etc. They were very kind to her and the children.

[Anne in CA]

I am glad the police were kind. Sometimes they are not. I do feel sick about reporting your sister's address. I don't know why they would do that, and I would be tempted to call the paper and complain. Or write a letter to the editor and complain. 

[AimeeM]

I am glad the police were kind. Sometimes they are not. I do feel sick about reporting your sister's address. I don't know why they would do that, and I would be tempted to call the paper and complain. Or write a letter to the editor and complain. 

 

Unfortunately it was ALL the papers and the news outlets.

[MooCow]

I'm pretty sure if she goes to court and gets an order of protection, then her name/address, etc., won't be a part of public record.

I know it's already out there, but we did it anyways.

[Tenaj]

I suppose there is a sort of benefit to it.  Now all the neighbors know.  Maybe they will help look out for her.  KWIM?  Sure it might be somewhat embarrassing for her, but it should not be.  She didn't do anything wrong.

 

This is what I was thinking.  We had a similar situation with a close neighbor (2 doors away)  quite a few years ago.  We found out about it through the newspaper and probably would not have known about it otherwise. Her name wasn't mentioned, his was and it was fairly easy to figure out. . . anyway, this was a house that my kids spent oodles of time at playing with their kids.  Anyway, because it was in the papers, I was able to go over, give her a hug and some support (help with the kids, help with meals, etc).  I'm not sure she would ever have had the courage to ask for the help because she was so embarrassed even though she had no reason to be ashamed.  It worried me that my kids could have been there when the incident happened . . . had been there just a few hours before . . . anyway,  I think the slight publicity from the police blotter helped her get some needed support.

[AimeeM]

This is what I was thinking.  We had a similar situation with a close neighbor (2 doors away)  quite a few years ago.  We found out about it through the newspaper and probably would not have known about it otherwise. Her name wasn't mentioned, his was and it was fairly easy to figure out. . . anyway, this was a house that my kids spent oodles of time at playing with their kids.  Anyway, because it was in the papers, I was able to go over, give her a hug and some support (help with the kids, help with meals, etc).  I'm not sure she would ever have had the courage to ask for the help because she was so embarrassed even though she had no reason to be ashamed.  It worried me that my kids could have been there when the incident happened . . . had been there just a few hours before . . . anyway,  I think the slight publicity from the police blotter helped her get some needed support.

 

Good point. I think the neighbors know.... as one of the arrows went into their garage :(

[plansrme]

Why should she be embarrassed? Did she also do something wrong? Doesn't sound like it. And I propose that the attitude that this should not be treated by the media as just another crime perpetuates the myth that she is at least partislly at fault.

[AimeeM]

Why should she be embarrassed? Did she also do something wrong? Doesn't sound like it. And I propose that the attitude that this should not be treated by the media as just another crime perpetuates the myth that she is at least partislly at fault.

 

To be frank, I find it rather silly that residential addresses are given out for ANY crime.

 

I'm not sure why she's embarrassed, but she is.

[Impish]

I think as a general rule, most victims of domestic violence are ashamed. Ppl judge them harshly. "Was it the first time? Why didn't she leave before? How could she stay w/the kids? What did she do?" are all things victims of domestic violence hear. 

 

Ime, there's considerable psychological abuse before the first physical blow happens. That it's their fault, they deserve it, they're worthless, etc.

 

So, the entire world (or so it might seem) knowing about it? Yeah, I absolutely understand how that would make someone feel humiliated.

 

I think the release of information is wrong, b/c there are children involved. Normally, in any crime involving children, the kids identities are protected. W/domestic violence, this should be the case as well.

[Impish]

And, tbh, I can't think of another crime where the victim's information is splattered about. Theft, vandalism, sure, they mention the *company* info.

 

But, the cashier's info? 

 

or, if a woman is assaulted in an underground parking lot, they'll say which one...but not release *her* home addy.

[Hikin' Mama]

So sorry for your sister! I don't think they should have listed her address. And I, too, would be embarrassed.

[LucyStoner]

Why should she be embarrassed? Did she also do something wrong? Doesn't sound like it.

Lots of people impacted by DV are embarrassed. The fact that she hasn't done anything wrong doesn't change that she is feeling embarrassed and vulerable with her address in the papers.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've never heard of or seen an instance like that where they released the address.  I'm sorry they did in this case.  I wouldn't be 100% counting on "he won't be getting out".  Even people charged with pretty big crimes can get out on bail.  If there is any way for her to get money and get out of that house for a new start with the kids, she should do it.  

[Indian summer]

Here they don't publish any personal info of victims unless the victim has died. They don't even publish the perpetrators name if it can be used to identify the victim. No addresses either just general areas.

[Indian summer]

Might you send a letter to the editor explaining how the publication of victims info is like being revictimized. It's a worthy conversation to start, IMO. Or start a letter writing campaign for that matter...

[Joanne]

{{Hugs to you and your sis and the kids}}

I'm so sorry. Violent, aggressive, abusive people create layers of victimization and "being exposed" and creating a perception of increased vulnerability is yet another.

 

Please, please, please find a way to fund getting your sister some help for what is likely to be severe PTSD and other issues relating to her marriage. She and the kids deserve it.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

They didn't mention her name, just their last name, his picture and full and full name, and their full address. The full address, including specifics about the subdivision, is what gets me.

 

They are publishing the names of the perpetrator and crime. In this case, it is also the information of the victims.

[AimeeM]

I've never heard of or seen an instance like that where they released the address.  I'm sorry they did in this case.  I wouldn't be 100% counting on "he won't be getting out".  Even people charged with pretty big crimes can get out on bail.  If there is any way for her to get money and get out of that house for a new start with the kids, she should do it.  

 

 

If she were to leave, she would move in with my mother - that's her only option. She would not feel safe doing so, however, as he made explicit threats (not for the first time)... and a protection order isn't always helpful when someone is mentally ill and abusive. He had every intention of killing her that night and made that clear.

I'm hoping and thinking it isn't likely the judge will let him out this time. This is his third violent crime in a year (felonies), this time involving children; this is the second time he's assaulted police officers, and the third time he has willingly went off his medication. If he DOES get out, they won't allow him back at the house and she will have a protection order, that much we do know. As of now, they refused bond/bail/whatever and he isn't allowed any contact with... anyone.

[AimeeM]

{{Hugs to you and your sis and the kids}}

 

I'm so sorry. Violent, aggressive, abusive people create layers of victimization and "being exposed" and creating a perception of increased vulnerability is yet another.

 

Please, please, please find a way to fund getting your sister some help for what is likely to be severe PTSD and other issues relating to her marriage. She and the kids deserve it.

 

I plan on helping financially, but unfortunately my help can only go so far. Apparently her area is "behind" on renewing apps for food assistance, so while she's waiting on her food stamps to come through again, I need to help with that (and lights, mortgage, etc). I agree with you completely that therapy is necessary - but my resources only go so far.

She DOES have medicaid. Will that cover therapy?

Telling her to take precious time away from work is going to be a chore, regardless of that she needs therapy. She's working her rear end off and still not making the bills (as BIL was unable to get a job after his last run-in with the courts/cops).

She stopped listening to her big sister years ago, unfortunately.

 

Before the paper publication, she was already making strides, as odd as it sounds. Talking about feeling safe for once, and that maybe one day, later, she would find a husband who wouldn't hurt her and who wouldn't scare the children... so I think, now that he's gone, she's actually considering something she was too scared to consider before - divorce.

 

We'll do everything we can to help. We aren't close (geographically) unfortunately, but I'm going down in a couple weeks (she doesn't want company right now).

[AimeeM]

They are publishing the names of the perpetrator and crime. In this case, it is also the information of the victims.

 

I agree... and it makes me feel sick.

[indigomama]

I think you should write to the news outlets, and explain to them, that while you may understand that they are publishing the name of perpetrator and his crime, that it also publishes sensitive information about the victim. 

 

Maybe they just treat it like any other crime and don't even realize the implications and problems it causes.

 

And I'm so sorry for your sister and her children. Hoping she finds peace and safety and a place to heal.

[SunnyDays]

I didn't see your other thread... But wow. I agree they should not have published the info. I'm so sorry your sister is going through all this. I truly hope he is not released and is held accountable for all this, and that your sis gets the help she needs. :grouphug: to you... I'm sure you're feeling frustrated and helpless.

[LucyStoner]

Medicaid should cover mental health. Also, there are often counseling programs for DV victims and their children which are free or sliding scale through DV organizations.

 

She may want to consider contacting a DV organization about secure and transitional housing. That may be safer than moving in with mom. Availability is limited and quality varies. Here, if you get in, the housing itself is usually quite nice (families placed in own apartments and not an open room shelter style scenario) and the wraparound supports are excellent.

[Mergath]

Lots of people impacted by DV are embarrassed. The fact that she hasn't done anything wrong doesn't change that she is feeling embarrassed and vulerable with her address in the papers.

 

:iagree:   I can't believe they would publish all that.  A few years back when dh's bipolar disorder was still untreated and he ended up in jail for domestic assault, I would have been beyond embarrassed if all our info had ended up in the news.  I've seen the occasional article with names mentioned, but never the address.  That's nuts.  

[redsquirrel]

First of all, send my support and admiration to your sister. What she is doing isn't easy. And I am so glad she is safe.

 

It is a fine line. OTOH, by publishing the name and address of him they make her info known and that is so, so hard for her. OTOH, he committed a crime and it says more about him than it does about her. If DV isn't discussed in the open then how can we address it?

 

People who know that she is the victim of a crime will not judge her and will only offer support. People who are feebleminded enough to blame her for his actions and his choices will also make themselves known and she is better off without them.

 

And good luck to your sister taking back control of her own life.

 

And feel free to call the paper with your concerns. I agree with you that by being so specific with their reporting they might be causing other women to not come forward.

 

However, after working for a DV agency for over 10 years, I can tell you that there are women who find it liberating to have it out in the open. They are happy to not be keeping the secret any longer. And, for many abusers, it is only that public exposure that keeps them in line in the future. I know there is  a lot of discussion about the value of orders of protection (or 'stay away orders etc, varies by state) but for men with something to lose (mostly a halfway decent job or feeling of any status in the community) it is exactly that public disclosure that keeps their victims safe. I remember one woman telling me that she knew if she could just get out the front door she was safe. He was so vested in his public persona as a 'nice guy' that she knew he would never do anything in public.  He was never arrested (as is the norm in most abusive relationships) and their divorce was a quiet one, but that risk of public exposure kept her safe, once she was away.

 

And again, my best wishes to your sister.

 

[AimeeM]

Medicaid should cover mental health. Also, there are often counseling programs for DV victims and their children which are free or sliding scale through DV organizations.

 

She may want to consider contacting a DV organization about secure and transitional housing. That may be safer than moving in with mom. Availability is limited and quality varies. Here, if you get in, the housing itself is usually quite nice (families placed in own apartments and not an open room shelter style scenario) and the wraparound supports are excellent.

 

I know she's scared and hesitant to uproot the children. I have to say, the bank holding the mortgage has been great - they've lowered the mortgage an incredible amount, just tacking the overage onto the back-end of the mortgage; very nice and very easy for them to work with. The problem she isn't thinking of right now... it's ALL in his name. All of it. Accounts, house - everything. Should papers need to be signed to continue this with the bank, I'm not sure she would be allowed to sign them. Beyond that are the obvious safety issues with staying at the house.

 

I agree with you about contacting a DV organization about transitional housing. I'm not sure what the availability is - if any - because I know the area itself has a closed wait list for general housing assistance, from what I've been told and there's no way she could afford an apartment (her mortgage is very low, even without the bank's help, as they purchased it as a foreclosure).

 

[redsquirrel]

If she is in a DV shelter she might be able to move to the top of waiting lists. That might be one of the benefits of VAWA (the violence against women act), I can't remember now.

[AimeeM]

You make great points.

Unfortunately, in this case, he has nothing to lose (which, imo, makes him so much more dangerous) and has proven that he cares nothing about how others perceive him.

I don't know why exactly she's embarrassed... maybe because it has taken her so long to do this? Maybe because she doesn't want to be seen as weak or a bad mother (her children were in the room with her during the attack). I'm not sure. I'll be honest - I've been frustrated with her myself over the past couple years, so I can understand her hesitancy to share.

She's overwhelmed. Within 48 hours, everyone knew. Between the papers and certain peoples' big mouths, everyone knows including family she doesn't want to deal with right now... many of whom are trying to take it upon themselves to come from other states to "visit" and "check on" her... and stay at her place. She doesn't want any of that right now. I've told her she can re-route the calls to me and I'll be happy to set down a no-visit policy until she says otherwise... she shouldn't have to deal with the stress of unwelcome (but well intentioned) visitors right now.

First of all, send my support and admiration to your sister. What she is doing isn't easy. And I am so glad she is safe.

 

It is a fine line. OTOH, by publishing the name and address of him they make her info known and that is so, so hard for her. OTOH, he committed a crime and it says more about him than it does about her. If DV isn't discussed in the open then how can we address it?

 

People who know that she is the victim of a crime will not judge her and will only offer support. People who are feebleminded enough to blame her for his actions and his choices will also make themselves known and she is better off without them.

 

And good luck to your sister taking back control of her own life.

 

And feel free to call the paper with your concerns. I agree with you that by being so specific with their reporting they might be causing other women to not come forward.

 

However, after working for a DV agency for over 10 years, I can tell you that there are women who find it liberating to have it out in the open. They are happy to not be keeping the secret any longer. And, for many abusers, it is only that public exposure that keeps them in line in the future. I know there is  a lot of discussion about the value of orders of protection (or 'stay away orders etc, varies by state) but for men with something to lose (mostly a halfway decent job or feeling of any status in the community) it is exactly that public disclosure that keeps their victims safe. I remember one woman telling me that she knew if she could just get out the front door she was safe. He was so vested in his public persona as a 'nice guy' that she knew he would never do anything in public.  He was never arrested (as is the norm in most abusive relationships) and their divorce was a quiet one, but that risk of public exposure kept her safe, once she was away.

 

And again, my best wishes to your sister.

 

[AimeeM]

If she is in a DV shelter she might be able to move to the top of waiting lists. That might be one of the benefits of VAWA (the violence against women act), I can't remember now.

 

How does that work with school and things? Would her school age child be able to stay in her current school even if it's in another district from the shelter?

 

Here's the thing too...

I think my mother should prep sister for a CPS visit. The charges included crimes against children, since children were there. My parents are former foster parents and know how this works. In general, when children are part of a crime, CPS gets involved on some level, to the best of my own recollection. I don't want my sister to see this as a negative; rather, I want her to realize that this can work in her favor and to accept the help she may receive as a result.

[AimeeM]

Hm..no clue, but would she really want them in the same district?  What if he went there and tried to take them?  I would rather my kids be somewhere unknown to him.

 

I'm not sure. How legal is it for her to keep them from him, though? I'm not sure what her state laws are (GA) regarding this, since there's obviously no custody order in place, I suppose we could hope that this wouldn't be an issue (although it would certainly infuriate him, should he get out).

 

[Caroline]

About moving to the shelter away from the kids' school...Where I teach, the kids would be allowed to stay in their school through the end of the year, but no transportation would be provided. The school social worker should be able to help with such things. She needs to have him removed from any school emergency pick up lists, and a restraining order will expedite that. (Not the the restraining order works to keep him away, but it gives the school the authority to protect the children from him.) I am in GA.

[swellmomma]

Good point. I think the neighbors know.... as one of the arrows went into their garage :(

Arrows!!??  He was shooting her with arrows?? holy hell. 

 

I am so glad that the young man staying there was able to stop him, and that the police were so kind to her.  It is unfortunate they published the address, I know they tend to whenever emergency services deal with something news worthy (house fire, drug raid etc) but when it is a violent offence and clearly not a gang type thing the privacy of the victim should be honored and that private information not put out there.  Put his name and picture he deserves it, but her address and essentially details of how to find it is not okay and should never have been put out there imo.

 

Praying that the information out there only serves to help her, that neighbors and others that read that turn to support her rather than those with nefarious plans.  Praying for healing for her and for the children for having to witness that.  PTL she was saved and had the courage to report it to the police and will be around to raise her children.  If her address was to be published I am so greatful it is with a news story of her survival rather than them reporting that the children are now living with relatives because their father is in jail for killing their momma. 

 

As for the vindictive side of me, I hope he is beaten and raped in that prison, over and over and over.  It's totally unchristian of me, but he deserves it.

[LucyStoner]

She needs to get an emergency custody order ASAP and a no contact order that includes the kids. I can't tell you the number of families I know who didn't know their abuser was out until he or she was in their house or at their school. The emergency custody order can usually be obtained when filing for a divorce. File pro se if need be but file. Like today or tomorrow.

[FaithManor]

I don't like the practice. I think it just makes everything worse. However, I have wondered that if it's done as a way of identifying the perpetrator that the idea is to out him to the community so people can avoid him if he gets out and returns to the same address.

 

I'd like to see some victim advocate groups take on the media for reckless endangerment or something as identifying the location of victims could potentially put them in more danger...maybe not in this particular circumstance but definitely in others.

 

OP, I am very sorry that your sister has had to suffer this. Please contact the police department and talk to the victim's advocate or call the non-emergency number for the health department because community mental health and law enforcement may both have an agency that provides free or sliding scale counseling for victims. Ours does. Even if the victim does not choose to take advantage of the domestic violence shelter, they still provide outpatient counseling services.

 

I hope her community rallies around her.

[redsquirrel]

How does that work with school and things? Would her school age child be able to stay in her current school even if it's in another district from the shelter?

 

Here's the thing too...

I think my mother should prep sister for a CPS visit. The charges included crimes against children, since children were there. My parents are former foster parents and know how this works. In general, when children are part of a crime, CPS gets involved on some level, to the best of my own recollection. I don't want my sister to see this as a negative; rather, I want her to realize that this can work in her favor and to accept the help she may receive as a result.

 

The school thing depends on her district. Some states or districts (again, depends) state clearly that if a child qualifies as homeless (displaced by DV counts) then they can stay in their home district. Other districts are very difficult to work with. In my personal work experience the schools were only helpful and supportive. It's not like this is the first time they have dealt with this.

 

And yes, for CPS being involved. Remind her than they are HELPING her to keep the kids safe. If he assaulted her in front of the kids or while she was holding the kids or if the kids were trying to shield her or whatever HE is the one in trouble. Even if she ran to the kids to get away from him, he is the one being investigated.  CPS can be her best friend right now.

 

And I understand totally what you are saying about him having nothing to lose and therefore more dangerous. She needs to get a temp order of custody and OP and make sure the kids school knows what is going on and has copies of all orders. She needs to carry it with her at all times.

 

And of course she is overwhelmed. Who among us things we will become 'that person' no matter what the problem? Well now the world knows she is, and it is a terrible, terrible place to find yourself. She has been trying to keep it together for a long time, I am sure. It fell apart in bits until she had to acknowledge that she wasn't the one determining where this was going to go. She never was. His choices and his controlling behavior have caused this.

 

I know it is frustrating and so hard to be her sister right now. Just keep telling her that you are glad she is safe and she is doing a great job keeping her kids safe. This will take a while to calm down, and for her, nothing is going to be the same.

[redsquirrel]

You don't need to file for divorce to get a temp custody order. It can be done with a request for an order of protection or when other charges are filed. And depending on her state it can be done in family court and kept confidential. She can file criminal charges in criminal court and the temp order of custody in family court, again, depending on her state.  But she doesn't need to be worrying about divorce right now.

[LucyStoner]

Federal law requires homeless kids to be able to stay in their school. That doesn't stop some districts from being jerks about it.

[AimeeM]

The young man went above and beyond. Restrained BIL and told my sister to run with all the children. They were dropping children over fences, in the snow, barefoot and in their pajamas. The young man then, once police had cleared the scene, cleaned my niece's bedroom so she didn't have to come back to the mess. I think I'll bake him a cake (he's a family friend who I've known since childhood - a notorious mooch, but he can mooch on for all I care, right now - he's my hero).

 

And don't worry. I'm not feeling very Christian right now either. The good Catholic in me says he should get help - the bad Catholic in me wonders if this could have been avoided if his suicide attempt last month had been more successful.

Arrows!!??  He was shooting her with arrows?? holy hell. 

 

I am so glad that the young man staying there was able to stop him, and that the police were so kind to her.  It is unfortunate they published the address, I know they tend to whenever emergency services deal with something news worthy (house fire, drug raid etc) but when it is a violent offence and clearly not a gang type thing the privacy of the victim should be honored and that private information not put out there.  Put his name and picture he deserves it, but her address and essentially details of how to find it is not okay and should never have been put out there imo.

 

Praying that the information out there only serves to help her, that neighbors and others that read that turn to support her rather than those with nefarious plans.  Praying for healing for her and for the children for having to witness that.  PTL she was saved and had the courage to report it to the police and will be around to raise her children.  If her address was to be published I am so greatful it is with a news story of her survival rather than them reporting that the children are now living with relatives because their father is in jail for killing their momma. 

 

As for the vindictive side of me, I hope he is beaten and raped in that prison, over and over and over.  It's totally unchristian of me, but he deserves it.

[AimeeM]

From what I understand, she ran to the children's room to get the children, when the young man first had BIL restrained - BIL broke loose and then ran up to the kids' room where he knew my sister was, and broke down the locked door. She was indeed trying to protect them when it happened, but didn't have the time. He was able to be restrained again, but not before attacking her again.

 

I want to tell her about the probability of CPS involvement, but my mother has all but forbade me to speak of it to my sister, claiming it'll only stress her more. My husband had to remind me that I needn't listen to mom any more, lol.

The school thing depends on her district. Some states or districts (again, depends) state clearly that if a child qualifies as homeless (displaced by DV counts) then they can stay in their home district. Other districts are very difficult to work with. In my personal work experience the schools were only helpful and supportive. It's not like this is the first time they have dealt with this.

 

And yes, for CPS being involved. Remind her than they are HELPING her to keep the kids safe. If he assaulted her in front of the kids or while she was holding the kids or if the kids were trying to shield her or whatever HE is the one in trouble. Even if she ran to the kids to get away from him, he is the one being investigated.  CPS can be her best friend right now.

 

And I understand totally what you are saying about him having nothing to lose and therefore more dangerous. She needs to get a temp order of custody and OP and make sure the kids school knows what is going on and has copies of all orders. She needs to carry it with her at all times.

 

And of course she is overwhelmed. Who among us things we will become 'that person' no matter what the problem? Well now the world knows she is, and it is a terrible, terrible place to find yourself. She has been trying to keep it together for a long time, I am sure. It fell apart in bits until she had to acknowledge that she wasn't the one determining where this was going to go. She never was. His choices and his controlling behavior have caused this.

 

I know it is frustrating and so hard to be her sister right now. Just keep telling her that you are glad she is safe and she is doing a great job keeping her kids safe. This will take a while to calm down, and for her, nothing is going to be the same.

 

[momto10blessings]

I'm so sorry your sister and her children are going through this. Thank god he's in jail. I hope they get far far away. She needs to figure out how to terminate his parental right ASAP. I know my cousin in Colorado was able to do it in a similar situation but I'm sure the process varies in each state. What a blessing that the friend was at her house at the right moment...

[AimeeM]

I'm so sorry your sister and her children are going through this. Thank god he's in jail. I hope they get far far away. She needs to figure out how to terminate his parental right ASAP. I know my cousin in Colorado was able to do it in a similar situation but I'm sure the process varies in each state. What a blessing that the friend was at her house at the right moment...

 

Oh. Terminating rights here in the south can be almost impossible. Keep in mind that BIL never physically abused the children that I'm aware of (and certainly nothing along those lines is documented if it did happen). I know people here who have lost their children to the state for horrible abuse, but still retain "rights" - even the state hasn't been able to terminate and the children languish in foster care until they age out.

 

My husband adopted my eldest legally. No matter how bad a father my ex was, it was still pricey and a ton of red tape - rights couldn't be terminated without a third party adoption running concurrently, we had to prove financial stability, background checks, home visits, etc. And my ex had to agree to the termination/adoption (we were told that without his agreement, chances were slim to none that the courts would terminate).

 

To the best of my knowledge, BIL being in jail is not reason enough to legally terminate rights. If I recall, many parents in jail still retain visitation rights to their children, even to the point of the custodial parent being forced to bring the children to jail to visit the incarcerated parent.

[Terabith]

I am wondering if there is a way for her to get access to the money?  Get her name on the accounts?  Or maybe it's better if the bills are only in his name, then she can't be liable for any debts? 

 

If they file for divorce, maybe the house could be sold and she could get income from the sale?  A DV shelter might be good and if money comes through, more access to apartments, etc.  And the shelter should have counseling available as well. 

[AimeeM]

I am wondering if there is a way for her to get access to the money?  Get her name on the accounts?  Or maybe it's better if the bills are only in his name, then she can't be liable for any debts? 

 

If they file for divorce, maybe the house could be sold and she could get income from the sale?  A DV shelter might be good and if money comes through, more access to apartments, etc.  And the shelter should have counseling available as well. 

 

I don't know that there IS any money in the accounts, to be frank. She's been the only one working for quite some time, and it's for very little money (housekeeping). He hasn't been able to hold a job for quite some time, and blew through any money they had. They were at risk of losing the house last month, before the bank came through.

They haven't owned the home long enough to get any money out of it.

[AmandaVT]

I'm so sorry your sister and her children are going through this right now. 

 

I can answer the Medicaid question though. Yes, she can see a therapist under Medicaid. My DH is a therapist and takes Medicaid clients, and I've spoken with the Medicaid office a few times. Medicaid should pay for therapy 100%. 

 

You might want to look into a local mental health agency in her area as well. They should have a 24 hr crisis line that she can call if she's having a hard time emotionally in the middle of the night and needs someone to talk to. I would also suggest getting the kids into therapy - seeing that kind of violence is really hard on a kid and I would imagine that they saw a whole lot more before this incident. 

[Laurie4b]

Why should she be embarrassed? Did she also do something wrong? Doesn't sound like it. And I propose that the attitude that this should not be treated by the media as just another crime perpetuates the myth that she is at least partislly at fault.

 

I see the op"s point more along the lines of how we treat victims of sexual assault and do not publish their names because they did nothing wrong but get blamed and re-victimized.

 

[NorthwestMom]

((Aimee and sister and children))

 

I have nothing to add except that I hope that this will be a turning point for safety and peace for them.  Your sister has NO reason to be ashamed and I hope she will be able to feel that when the crisis has passed.

[Laurie4b]

Re: CPS. Their concern with her will be whether she is a risk to return to her dh, thus exposing the kids to further trauma. Getting a protective order is an important step because it shows intent to keep him away. DV shelters often offer initial counseling and just getting info that reveals she is not unique nor crazy will be helpful.

[Laurie4b]

Re: CPS. Their concern with her will be whether she is a risk to return to her dh, thus exposing the kids to further trauma. Getting a protective order is an important step because it shows intent to keep him away. DV shelters often offer initial counseling and just getting info that reveals she is not unique nor crazy will be helpful.