Need MIL advice, or just advice on how to not let things bother me

[ksr5377]

So at this point, when it comes to my MIL, I think I really just need to have no expectations, take lots of deep breaths and work on not letting her get to me so much.  At this point, she really can't win, because lately I'm finding everything to do with her irritating - just because it's her.  For the record, she is no where near as bad as some of the nightmares that I have read about on here.  She does care about us, she loves my children, she just drives me crazy.  There are specific things she does that are the problem, but I don't think they're even worth getting into, as there's nothing I can seem to do to change her behavior.  It's very similar to how her mother behaves.  They haven't spoken to each other for almost 5 years.  I don't want it to get to the point where she doesn't speak to us and I think in order to do that, I need to work on how I react to her.  Due to the drama with her this past week, I have been feeling really angry, and it annoys me so much that I allowed her to get me to the point where it affected my mood all week, you know?  Also, we're going to visit her this weekend and I don't want to be ticked off all weekend just because I'm around her.  So if anyone has any ideas other than drinking (since I'm pregnant) I would appreciate it! 

[CupOCoffee]

Pregnant women need lots of naps, don't they?  When she starts, excuse yourself for a short nap (with a book of course).  And absolutely, let your DH handle her.

 

~coffee~

 

[Scarlett]

I have found that if I can assume that people have the best of intentions it helps me to overlook things that irritate me.

[Barb_]

Try to find the humor in her behavior. Cultivate a,"Bless her heart" attitude.

[BearWallowSchool]

I could have written you post word for word. No advice. Just a hug because I could use one too.   :lol:   

[MollyAnn]

There is no way to deal with someone unpleasant except for avoidance.

Don't go on the visit. Send DH with the kids. That is what I do. I haven't seen my MIL in almost 4 years. I have only talked to her a handful of times on the phone. The only time I really have to deal with her is when she comments on my FB page.

[Harriet Vane]

Naps and breaks are a good thing.

 

Also I find it helpful to have something to occupy my hands. I am either crocheting or cross-stitching or cleaning everything.

[SproutMamaK]

This is going to sound amazing trite and self-serving, but... I cope with people like that by thinking "oh gosh, my friends online are going to get such a laugh out of this when I tell them what she said!"

 

Seriously, if you don't write about it here, tell some friends IRL or another group of people you like to laugh with. It changes hw you see things, from the situation being a trying and annoying time to get through to... okay, it's still annoying, but there's some humour in it. It helps to talk about it, know you're not crazy, and maybe even laugh about it a little.

[skeeterbug]

My first thought was, I wonder if OP is pregnant? :rofl: My mil was never so irritating as when I was pregnant! She wasn't any different, but I was- hormones, I guess. She can still be annoying (it's in the job description, right?) but it's not all-consuming like when I was pregnant. :D

[readinmom]

Honestly, I just stopped going to dh's family functions for the most part.  When I do get engaged in conversation, I just give the "fine, great, absolutely" answers.  This seems to steer them towards someone else who will react. 

[Laurie4b]

This will sound silly, but it may help. You can do this by yourself but it can be more fun with a friend. Make predictions about what MIL will say or do and how many times it will happen. Eg: She will suggest some kind of change in my appearance 3x.  You can even set a prize for yourself if you get x% right. Then compare what happens to your predictions. Keep score. If you made a correct prediction, instead of being aggravated, you will have a reason to smile secretly.

 

The reason this works is that it takes you out of the conflict and into the place of observer. Additionally, predicting will give you a sense of control. If there are some things you'd predict that you would want to do something about rather than just laugh inwardly, then plan your course of action ahead of time. People generally do variations on the same themes, so there is little that is truly a surprise when you think about it. (So if a MIL generally criticizes parenting, what she criticizes may be a surprise, but the fact that she is criticizing parenting is not. This knowledge enables people to construct reasonable responses ahead of time rather than feeling blind-sided all the time.)

 

Another game you can play is each time she says something irritating, you say something surprising and nice --either right then or shortly thereafter. Again, you plan for this ahead of time. (It's pass the bean dip with a twist.) Think of anything that you like about her: the color of a chair in her living room, something she cooks that tastes good, the smell of the soap in the bathroom,  the fact that she raised a dh whom you love, that she got your child a gift s/he liked) Play this like a game, too. She does something irritating, you trump it with something nice.It can be as trivial as need be to keep it up.  Keep score and see who has "won" by the end of the day.  This also gives you a different role than a passive receiver of irritating words or actions.

 

You may be able to think of some games of your own in the same spirit as these. The trick is breaking the "fight or flight" kind of response and giving yourself something else to do instead.

[Snow]

I needed this thread last weekend. She's not a monster mil, she "loves us" but man is she awful to be around!! And i start turning into this angry judgmental person inside just being with her. Ugh. The crazy things she says!

 

I don't have any answers, I can just commiserate. What I told myself was, time will pass eventually and I won't be with her forever.

[Miss Mousie]

This will sound silly, but it may help. You can do this by yourself but it can be more fun with a friend. Make predictions about what MIL will say or do and how many times it will happen. Eg: She will suggest some kind of change in my appearance 3x.  You can even set a prize for yourself if you get x% right. Then compare what happens to your predictions. Keep score. If you made a correct prediction, instead of being aggravated, you will have a reason to smile secretly.

 

 

 

I was going to recommend this, too:  In-Law Bingo!  You might be able to find some additional descriptions here if you search the board.

 

If your DH understands the situation, maybe he will play along with you.

 

But be prepared for funny looks when you shout BINGO!  ;)

[Murmer]

I bring Gilmore Girls....basically my husband knows that I bring a set of tv shows and when I am overwhelmed I go away and watch them.  Actually at this point it is kind of a joke with my/his family (my sister married dh brother and my mother is living with them 1 block away from dh's families house, we really can't get away from family here) about how many times I have watched the Gilmore Girls series.  But it helps me cope with out really running away (which we have also done in the past). 

[ksr5377]

Thank you for the replies.  Unfortunately I can't just stop visiting, as she lives in DH's hometown and when we go there we see her, his dad (they're divorced) and all his extended family.  So yes, when we visit this weekend, we'll be staying at her house for 2 nights and 3 days.  YAY! (Please sense the sarcasm)  She is very concerned about everything being fair when it comes to whose house we stay at, so the 5 of us will cram into her little house with one bathroom instead of staying with DH's dad and step-mom, who have a giant home with 3 full baths.  And ever since having my first child she calls me "Mommy" which is beyond irritating, especially when I'm pregnant.  I am thinking that I'm going to try the game.  DH may be on board for a bit, but I know a good friends of mine will be more than happy to hear the details afterwards.  I love the idea of taking lots of naps, but that's hard to do at her home since it's only about 600 sq. ft with two small bedrooms.  It's hard to find anywhere to hide.  I may go shopping though at some of the stores that we don't have by us, that's always a good way to get some breathing room. 

[Seeker of Schole]

In-law bingo is a lot of fun, especially if your husband is in on it with you. I generally engage with the kids. Then I can't be criticized for ignoring family, because I'm playing with family, but I don't have to deal with the in-law drama.

[Meriwether]

Learn to laugh about it. Two years ago after Christmas dinner, I was washing the dishes. When the dish rack was full, I stopped washing long enough to dry the dishes and stack them on the counter then I'd wash some more. I must have passed on dessert and started washing before my SIL' s were done, because I can't imagine them letting me wash all the dishes myself. Anyhow, MIL was sitting by the sink the whole time. Eventually the counter was too full for me to stack anymore dishes on. MIL jumped up and said, Oh, let me help you. She cleared dishes off the counter so that I had more room to work and then sat back down. I don't mind washing dishes. It was just weird, weird, weird. I find it easier to laugh at the things she does than get angry. Unfortunately, FIL is harder to laugh about so we no longer visit much.

[kbutton]

I get where you're coming from. My MIL is not a monster either, but I can't think of too many people designed so perfectly to drive me nuts. I think she has non-verbal learning disorder, and she knows she's a bit off. She likes to use this fact to her advantage to be snarky (bragging about how "dumb" she is) or passive aggressive (oh, I wish I could do that as well as you do--the tone of voice alone is enough to make me puke). Part of the disability is that she doesn't generalize well. However, she doesn't like people to tell her what they really want either (because she won't approve, or because she feels like they are treating her like a child if they spell things out). So, we all get to pretend she's normal. Sigh. It's sad because she could use some validation, but when she gets it, she thinks it's a vindication of every peculiarity she has and she becomes bombastic. My BIL's wife who is very, very similar in personality to me can laugh, but she visits every other year from 2500 miles away, and she hasn't produced the only grandchildren in the family (it's much easier to laugh from afar and when it's not your kids that you MIL has put in danger with her lack of normal reasoning skills). Even so, she has a rule that she won't ever be alone with MIL! I might be able to have fun with the BINGO game, but I think it would create trouble eventually--hubby's family likes mockery a little too much.

[Lisbeth]

I honestly don't believe in the notion of "I can't not visit..." Oh yes, yes you can not visit. Her feelings and desires should not outweigh everyone elses comfort. Fair, meh. Her expectations have exactly no meaning for adults around her unless those adults buy into them. I would drop the rope so fast I would get rope burn.

[Lisbeth]

PS Her behavior can be changed if those around her give cobsequences instead of rewards for said behavior.