goldberry Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 I am heartbroken and sick to my stomach. My friend was married to a man who had 2 boys from a previous marraige. About 9 years ago, during that time, the boys would come and visit in the summer. Boys were 14 and 12 at the time, my friend and her then husband had 3 girls, 12, 6, and 3. Friend and husband since divorced and girls have had no contact with the boys in several years. The girl who was 6 at the time is now 15 and just spilled out to my friend that she was abused by the 14 y/o boy (who was her half-brother). This happened on 4 different occasions on two different summer visits, one when girl was 6 and the other when girl was 8. The crazy thing is, my friend knew that having step-brothers or similar in the house can be dangerous. She actually spoke to all her girls on several occasions before and after the boys were visiting about privacy, the boys having to respect them, etc. She told the girls this was their house, and specifically to tell the mom if the boys ever did anything that made them uncomfortable or crossed any boundaries. When her daughter told her finally, she asked, why didn't you tell me? Because he told me not to. It's coming up now because daughter is starting to like boys, and the issues are resurfacing. My friend is heartbroken for her daughter and blaming herself. What kind of mom am I that she couldn't tell me? How could I not have protected her? I am just sick. I just had to post somewhere, because I can't really discuss this locally due to privacy. Yes, my friend will be getting counseling for her daughter. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 How awful. :grouphug: I hope your friend's daughter will get the help she needs to heal from this, and that your friend can be gentle with herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 How horrible! Praying for your friends' daughters. {{{hugs}}} Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 that's so sad. praying for healing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripley Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 Heartbreaking. :( But you know, two positives: the first is that the daughter is telling her mom now. She's not stuffing it, denying it, or otherwise trying to deal with those feelings herself. She's not letting it manifest in some other harmful form. That right there is a testament to the young women, and also a nod to the type of mother who raised her. The second positive is that the daughter's answer backs that up. She didn't keep the secret because her mother is an ogre; she kept it because she was acting in a 6-8 year old frame of mind. She was told not to tell, and she didn't. The daughter keeping the secret is a reflection of the daughter's age at the time of violation; NOT of her mom's parenting. Guilt is to be expected, and I pray for your friend as she works to forgive herself. How horrible it must feel to think you were responsible for such a heinous thing to happen on your watch. And yet, she's the kind of mom who prepared her daughter for the likelihood of abuse happening and (by doing so) most likely gave the daughter confidence to (finally) speak out once she emotionally matured beyond the incidents. I hope counseling helps her to realize all of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 So sad. Protecting our daughters requires a multi-pronged approach. All the things your friend did, plus helping the girl to be strong enough to demand respect and stick up for herself. Easier said than done, for sure. This type of incident is not uncommon at all, if that's any comfort. :( The worst part of it is the feeling of guilt - kids need to know that they are not to blame for the poor choices of a much older person. And they also need to know that what happened a long time ago isn't the end of the world - doesn't define them in any way. As for mom guilt, we have to accept that some things are outside of our control, however we may wish it otherwise. Things happen, people heal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 Gosh, I am so very sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 They need to see a good counselor or three. Individual and family. The daughter needs support beyond what she can get at home. The mother and daughter both need to deal with the guilt and anger. There are many things that having been abused sexually increases the daughter's risk for now. Premature sexual activity, risky sexual activity, addiction, eating disorders, sex work, abusive intimate relationships. She needs help to avoid all of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 There are many things that having been abused sexually increases the daughter's risk for now. Premature sexual activity, risky sexual activity, addiction, eating disorders, sex work, abusive intimate relationships. She needs help to avoid all of that. Or on the other hand, fear of or disinterest in the opposite sex or any sex/romance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicAnn Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 How terrible. The guilt is so normal, and will lessen over time. I agree that a good counselor is a great thing, preferably female. Prayers to the family! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 :grouphug: How terrible Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted November 16, 2013 Author Share Posted November 16, 2013 Thanks for the responses. My DD is 14 almost 15 and knows this girl, although not well because we live in different states. I gave her a brief version of what happened, and took the opportunity to talk about the feelings that a girl or woman could have that could make her keep a secret like that. I reassured her that those situations were NEVER the victim's fault, and that just like my friend and her daughter, her dad and I would always believe her and support her side in things. I figure there is no such thing as too much reassurance in that area. The world just sucks sometimes. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2TheTeam Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 I am so very sorry. :grouphug: Depending on the state they were in at the time of the assault, they can report it to the police. Some states have no statute of limitations on this. My state has no limit. Even if they do, it still may be within that, especially the last occurrence. This hits VERY close to home for me. She should consider reporting it. It could help her heal and potentially protect someone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pod's mum Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 (edited) Sadly this is far from uncommon. Even being very vigilant, many boys that age have much more hormones than compassion. There's possibly also an element of protecting her parents. Young kids don't want to hurt their loved parents. They may be worried that telling mum and dad will not only get them into trouble, but also hurt them deeply. And disapoint them. Your friend's daughter is still young, very much still molding who she is in turbulent adolescent years, so there is time for her to recast what happened and realise she was an innocent in the situation. As for your friend, well, no matter how vigilant we are, some of these cracks can be devastating. We still get in a car, that is much more dangerous. Brain knowledge doesn't stop heart-ache though does it? Edited November 23, 2013 by Pod's mum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 Or on the other hand, fear of or disinterest in the opposite sex or any sex/romance. True enough. It took me over 2 years to be able to be intimate in certain ways with my husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSinNH Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 No words, just :grouphug: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 How awful! Hoping that the healing process is starting and will go well. For those in a similar situation currently, maybe the best policy is to not allow unfamiliar boys to be alone with girls for any reason. I know that in general we want to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if they are related to someone we know. (in this case, hubby's boys from previous marriage) However, if they aren't living with the family, there's no way to really gauge what they've been doing or what they're really like in their home setting. So it would be best to assume that it would not be safe to leave them unsupervised with young girls no matter what. I know it's convenient to think that a 14/15-year-old can babysit/supervise, but don't do it. Don't let the kids play together unsupervised. Make sure you know where everyone is at night. Etc. BTW I'm not saying this to blame the friend of the OP, I'm sure she did what she felt was appropriate for the situation, and I'm sure she feels punched in the gut by this whole thing. I'm suggesting though that a situation that would not SEEM to require hyper-vigilance, maybe in this day and age DOES. Basically, assume the visiting boy is the same as a TOTAL STRANGER (no matter what the relationship actually is, relative, friend whatever) and say, would I let my daughter be alone with this total stranger not knowing a thing about him? No, probably you wouldn't. And statistically you're more likely to be abused by someone you know, of course, than someone you don't, so all the more reason to take extra precautions. So I'm really saying this for anyone facing the situation now. Because clearly briefing the girls ahead of time did not do any good as far as prevention. So really the parent/guardian is the only protector, not wise words that you say to your kids, but you can't count on them following them when they're faced with the situation. So very, very sorry to hear it! If even one of these can be prevented, it's worth it to discuss it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 I'm so sorry. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emzhengjiu Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 I'm so very sorry and hope you don't mind if I add her and her family to my prayer list. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 How sad and awful. How to trust people after all this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 Not knowing all the details yet, I know at least one of the occasions occured when all the kids were playing in front of the house. 3 girls and 2 boys, in the front yard in the middle of the day. Apparently one group went one way, they went another, and that was long enough. Literally minutes. Mom inside peeking out the window every so often like every mother does. Her and her husband specifically never left all the kids alone together. All of the incidents took place during very short periods when the boy was able to get her alone there at the house. I talked with DH a long time about it. Do you protect them so much to the extent you cause them to fear the world and isolate them from it? How do you find that line? Katie, :grouphug: to you...I'm hope you found a loving and understanding husband...My DH had to deal with some physical issues I had (and have) and the love he has showed is part of what won my heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 :grouphug: I hope your friend and her family are able to heal from this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 Thanks Colorado. I have the best husband I could possibly have as a rape survivor. He is awesome and understanding and attentive in the very best way. While waiting wasn't easy for him, he's always said I was worth the wait. We've been together since New Years Eve 1999 so it seems to be working out ;) There is definitely life after trauma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 Ack 2x post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that it happened. I just wanted to reassure you that some people go through similar experiences and come out fine. I hope that things work our well for her and her family. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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