should I be leary of this person?

[HappyLady]

My DH and mom say yes, but I don't think so.  A little backstory: When I was 16 I found out I had an older half-brother from my father.  Turns out, when my dad was in the military (he was older when he had me and so he was in the military from the late 40s until the late 50s) and was stationed in Germany.  During that time he married and apparently had a son.  My father swore up and down it wasn't his biological son and that he adopted his wife's son.  My dad and his wife divorced because he wanted to come back to the states and she didn't.  There was no contact with my father and the son after that.  Fast forward about 15 years and we get a letter from a lawyer for my "brother."  My brother's mom ended up moving to the states with another serviceman when my brother was 6, but she never made him a US citizen.  Because of that, when he got in trouble with the law (drugs) as an adult, he was going to be deported back to Germany (even though he left there when he was 6 and didn't speak German anymore).  He said his/my father is a US citizen so because of that he could be allowed to stay so this lawyer that contacted us to have my dad sign some paperwork stating he was in fact my brother's father.  My father refused for the longest time because he swore this guy wasn't his son, but after this guy contacted my mom, my sister, and myself (my dad had had a stroke by this point and couldn't communicate well) repeatedly and swore my dad was his dad my father finally signed the papers.   We've pretty much had little to no contact with this guy since (he stayed in touch with us for a few years until my dad died and we haven't heard from him since).

 

Fast forward to a couple years ago.  My sister gets contacted by someone on Facebook saying she's looking for her mom's siblings.  Long story short, I now have 2 more half-sisters from my dad.   :glare:  My dad was never married to their mom and this was before he was with my mom.  Turns out the relationship ended and the ex made my dad's a life hell (confirmed by one of the new sisters) when he tried to have a relationship with his daughters.  She was constantly dragging him to court over ridiculous things and in the end my dad decided it was best to back out of their lives.  He still paid child support, though.

 

So now, a few days ago I'm contacted by a woman who's looking for her sister's siblings.  Seriously, Dad???   :lol:  This "sister" was the product of my dad's first marriage, which I didn't even find out about until after my dad passed away.  My dad and his 1st wife were married young (I'm guessing around 18) and the marriage was annulled because he went in the service and had a son with someone in Germany (that was the story I got from the woman who contacted me and it makes sense after learning about my "brother").  This woman and my "sister" have the same mom and this woman's dad ended up adopting my sister.  My sister apparently has health issues and this woman wanted to contact her biological family on her father's (my) side to see if there are any medical issues.  

 

Before I gave her any information I heard her story and was convinced she was who she was and her sister was who she said she was.  My mom though, didn't know anything about this first child, but did know about all the others.  My mom confirmed that my dad's first marriage was annulled.  This woman found me by searching my dad online and finding his obituary.  Then she looked my name up on Facebook and she said I look very much like her/my sister (I do look like my dad).  She asked for a picture of my dad so I sent her one, but had to confirm her friend request to do so.  Up until that point, I hadn't because I don't just "friend" anybody.  When we ended our conversation I told her to please have her sister contact me as I'd love to get to know her (she's not on Facebook).  She said she would.

 

I never did end up finding out what these health issues were that this woman was worried about with her/my sister so a couple days later I wrote to her.  I saw that she read my PM at 6pm yesterday, but never responded.  She also friend requested my mom and my mom accepted it because she saw I was friends with her.  My mom wrote to her as well and hasn't heard anything.

 

My mom and DH are suspicious of this woman.  I don't know that I should be given my dad's history.   :glare:   My dad never, ever had money so she couldn't possibly be after anything.  She knows my father is deceased.  So I don't know what this woman would get from making up this story and I honestly don't know how she'd be able to come up with this story and know about my father's first marriage and my so-called brother.  

 

What do you think of all this (providing you were able to follow it)?   :lol:   And please no flaming my father.  Regardless of his past, he was a very good dad to me.  :)

[gingersmom]

I would want a DNA test of everyone to make sure they are really your siblings.

[HappyLady]

I would want a DNA test of everyone to make sure they are really your siblings.

 

 

I would too, but I doubt that will ever happen.  :)  I met my one "new" sister and she's the spitting image of my dad so I don't doubt that one.  I don't know what any of the others look like so I can't even guess with them.  

[Plink]

You must be feeling very confused.  No advice, but sending you lots of hugs.

[MedicMom]

I actually agree with you on this; it doesn't sound like she is really looking for anything. Maybe this child was born after the annulled marriage and your dad never knew about her, which is why your mom didn't know. I would still request DNA testing.

I also think I would start to worry about how many half siblings are out there. :-)

[mom2scouts]

Well, my husband is adopted and he's had some interesting contacts too, so I can see this happening.  I don't know that I would be too worried about the newest "sibling".  Often, it seems to be curiosity more than anything and getting answers to family mysteries. 

[momacacia]

What would be the point of having any more contact with her/them?

[HappyLady]

You must be feeling very confused.  No advice, but sending you lots of hugs.

 

 

Thanks, and yeah, it's a little tough going from thinking you're the oldest to actually being the 5th oldest.  LOL

[Spryte]

What are the concerns?  If there is no money, and your father is deceased - I'm not sure I understand the concerns?  Are your DH and mother worried that your feelings will be hurt?  Or that this person will harass you for money?  Can you keep your boundaries strong, if you want to get to know her?

 

It may be that she'd like health history only - I'm not sure I see the harm in sharing that.  Getting health history from my DH's birthfamily has made a huge difference in DH's life - it can be a big deal.  Or it may be that she'd like to see someone who looks like her, just get to know you.  

 

My perspective here may be different.  DH is adopted, adoption has been closed until recent minor contact with birthparents.  DH has learned that he has *many* siblings - not half siblings - and that they don't know he exists.  DH would like to meet them, he'd like to see a bio relative for the first time in his life.  He'd like to know if they are similar.  He wants *nothing* from them other than some time to see if they laugh at the same jokes.  And he wanted health history - which he does now have.  Whether he will ever get time with his siblings is up to his birthparents.  They are reluctant to tell his siblings that they had an older child and placed him for adoption.  DH knows names and contact info on all siblings but would never dream of contacting them without being introduced by birthparents, he will respect their wishes no matter what.  But I can assure you - his desire to make contact is not founded on any ill intent, he doesn't want anything from them (or his birthparents), and we need nothing.  So it's possible that this person is like my DH.  

 

To the PP who asked "what would be the point?"  Well, maybe there is no direct benefit.  But it sure would be nice, and hopefully add to the joy and love in our lives.

 

[HappyLady]

I actually agree with you on this; it doesn't sound like she is really looking for anything. Maybe this child was born after the annulled marriage and your dad never knew about her, which is why your mom didn't know. I would still request DNA testing.

I also think I would start to worry about how many half siblings are out there. :-)

 

 

I always joke that I pray I never dated a half-brother of mine.   :lol:   (I know I didn't.  :) )

[HappyLady]

What would be the point of having any more contact with her/them?

 

 

With the woman who contacted me or my new sister?  I don't really care to talk to the woman who contacted me, but she's my only way of getting hold of my sister at this point.  I have no contact information for her.  I only know her first name so I can't even search her online.  And I'd like to at least speak to my sister in some way, some how.

[HappyLady]

What are the concerns?  If there is no money, and your father is deceased - I'm not sure I understand the concerns?  Are your DH and mother worried that your feelings will be hurt?  Or that this person will harass you for money?  Can you keep your boundaries strong, if you want to get to know her?

 

It may be that she'd like health history only - I'm not sure I see the harm in sharing that.  Getting health history from my DH's birthfamily has made a huge difference in DH's life - it can be a big deal.  Or it may be that she'd like to see someone who looks like her, just get to know you.  

 

My perspective here may be different.  DH is adopted, adoption has been closed until recent minor contact with birthparents.  DH has learned that he has *many* siblings - not half siblings - and that they don't know he exists.  DH would like to meet them, he'd like to see a bio relative for the first time in his life.  He'd like to know if they are similar.  He wants *nothing* from them other than some time to see if they laugh at the same jokes.  And he wanted health history - which he does now have.  Whether he will ever get time with his siblings is up to his birthparents.  They are reluctant to tell his siblings that they had an older child and placed him for adoption.  DH knows names and contact info on all siblings but would never dream of contacting them without being introduced by birthparents, he will respect their wishes no matter what.  But I can assure you - his desire to make contact is not founded on any ill intent, he doesn't want anything from them (or his birthparents), and we need nothing.  So it's possible that this person is like my DH.  

 

To the PP who asked "what would be the point?"  Well, maybe there is no direct benefit.  But it sure would be nice, and hopefully add to the joy and love in our lives.

 

 

I have no idea what their concerns are.  They just keep saying something doesn't seem right.  This woman or my sister can get NOTHING from us so I don't see what it hurts to have contact with either of them.  My DH did suggest something about identity theft, but I can't imagine that's what this woman is doing.  

[LucyStoner]

She might not be responding because she contacted you when excited but she is processing the emotions this raises for her. You had a nice dad, her sister was, from her perspective, abandoned. It could be hard for them to have contact with you. I don't suspect her of anything other than curiosity/looking for her family's history/roots. And I am NOT a trusting person by nature.

[gardenmom5]

  During that time he married and apparently had a son.  My father swore up and down it wasn't his biological son and that he adopted his wife's son.  

so this lawyer that contacted us to have my dad sign some paperwork stating he was in fact my brother's father.  

my father finally signed the papers.   We've pretty much had little to no contact with this guy since (he stayed in touch with us for a few years until my dad died and we haven't heard from him since).

 

Fast forward to a couple years ago.  My sister gets contacted by someone on Facebook saying she's looking for her mom's siblings.  Long story short, I now have 2 more half-sisters from my dad.   :glare:  My dad was never married to their mom and this was before he was with my mom.  he tried to have a relationship with his daughters.  

 

So now, a few days ago I'm contacted by a woman who's looking for her sister's siblings.  Seriously, Dad???   :lol:  This "sister" was the product of my dad's first marriage, which I didn't even find out about until after my dad passed away.  My dad and his 1st wife were married young (I'm guessing around 18) and the marriage was annulled because he went in the service and had a son with someone in Germany (that was the story I got from the woman who contacted me and it makes sense after learning about my "brother").  This woman and my "sister" have the same mom and this woman's dad ended up adopting my sister.  My sister apparently has health issues and this woman wanted to contact her biological family on her father's (my) side to see if there are any medical issues.  

 

My mom and DH are suspicious of this woman.  I don't know that I should be given my dad's history.   :glare:   My dad never, ever had money so she couldn't possibly be after anything.  She knows my father is deceased.  

 

What do you think of all this (providing you were able to follow it)?   :lol:   And please no flaming my father.  Regardless of his past, he was a very good dad to me.   :)

 at this point - it's very hard to know what is truth, and what isn't.  he may be their father, or it maybe their mother told them that so many times that's what they think (and this goes for all of them.)  it's certainly happened before from other people.

as for the brother - you're father claimed he wasn't blood, but that he adopted him.  well, then he's still legally his son. (and there should be legal papers, did the guy have a birth certificate?  even from Germany he should be able to get a copy and your father's name would have been on it had your father and his mother been married when he was born.)  at this point - unless there is legal documentation and/or dna, i'd be leery.  even then, I'd be asking a whole lot more questions before giving any info.  I'd also want some proof the info they are giving is legit.

.   

I understand the contact thing - my bio-paternal grandfather was busy and got around.  he had children with three of his five wives. he even got one pregnant while married to a previous wife.  (I've got legal documentation)  four of them divorced him and never had contact with him again. (though my father and his half-sister were both given land in his will.  he died before I was born.)  the children of the last marriage I've tried to contact as I'd like more information on the man and his parents/siblings for genealogical research.  

I've also had several phone calls now of people trying to contact another woman in this area with the same name as me. (I know she's real, as she's in our library system - and we went to the same gyn for awhile.  our files got id flags.)  it's actually getting irritating.   (I just had another one a few days ago.)

[gardenmom5]

Thanks, and yeah, it's a little tough going from thinking you're the oldest to actually being the 5th oldest.  LOL

yeah  - it was a shock going from thinking my father was the product of my grandfather's first marriage to learning it was his third marriage.  (I always knew about three of them. there were five total, and only the last lasted more than a few years.)

[Spryte]

I have no idea what their concerns are.  They just keep saying something doesn't seem right.  This woman or my sister can get NOTHING from us so I don't see what it hurts to have contact with either of them.  My DH did suggest something about identity theft, but I can't imagine that's what this woman is doing.  

 

If the concern is identity theft, and you are still interested in getting to know this newest sister, then take all the normal precautions.  You're not going to give this person sensitive information that could be used to steal your identity, are you?  No passing out SSNs, right?   :)

[Tmhearn]

No offense to your mom or dad, but sometimes even people who know the truth aren't forthcoming with it...

 

I was the first child of my dad. He and my mom were married young and divorced after a short time. I never knew him. He went on to have a 2nd child with a different woman. They put the child up for adoption. They went on to marry and have 3 more children.

 

Fast forward a few decades. The adopted child found them. They were all happy to be united, but for some reason, they neglected to mention my existence to the adopted child. I don't know why. Eventually, the mom did come clean about me a few years later.

 

Also, when I finally did make contact with my siblings, I found out that even though they had known about me all along, they didn't know that my parents were married. Maybe their mom and dad didn't want them to know that dad had been married before??

 

I'm just saying, people do and say crazy things sometimes to protect their own (or someone they care about) image.

[mommaduck]

Geez, sounds like my family! No, none of us have done DNA tests. Some of us knew about others, even when they didn't know about those that knew them. All in all, there are ten of us spread out and we suspect there is at least one more out there (and heaven help me if Dad knocks up his current girlfriend...she's nearly a decade younger than I am and they are both using!) I would not be quick to demand a DNA test UNLESS there was money and possible lawsuits involved...then, naturally you would do so as evidence. It could be that they don't know how to further pursue a relationship. It could be they just wanted medical information. You might want to state that you would like to have a phone conversation with them.

[Mommyfaithe]

Well, my husband is adopted and he's had some interesting contacts too, so I can see this happening. I don't know that I would be too worried about the newest "sibling". Often, it seems to be curiosity more than anything and getting answers to family mysteries.

I agree. I met my bio mom, 2 sisters, a brother, a passel of nieces and nephews etc. I am pretty sure I have more 1/2 siblings and would be fine to talk/meet them. It is interesting to see nature/nurture at work. Then again, I am the kind of person who can pull myself out of a situation and look at it from the outside. I have more of a proble looking at things from an inside perspective, If that makes sense.

 

Good luck!

Faithe

[Murphy101]

Blood or not, as far as I'm concerned none of them are family to me so I'd not have sent them anything not felt any desire to stay connected via any format, FB or otherwise. If my polite silence and avoidance wasn't a strong enough hint, I'd tell them that point blank.

 

I'm with your dh. Sounds shady whether they are actually blood relatives or not.

[mommaduck]

wow, Martha...I'm surprised. You really don't understand that someone would want answers and to know the rest of their family from their father? Thank GOD that my family didn't treat me that way when I contacted them. It wasn't like I or my siblings had a choice in our parents' decisions.

[Catwoman]

Is there any chance that your mom and your dh are worried about you becoming too emotionally involved with this new person, and wanting to help them with their problems?

 

I only ask this because in other threads, you've seemed almost overly caring and nice, without considering the burden others are placing on you. Maybe your mom and your dh think you already have enough on your plate, and that it's not a good time to add yet another potentially needy person to your life.

 

That said, we have no evidence whatsoever that this person wants anything from you other than some basic health history, and as long as you are able to set boundaries, I'm not sure I see any harm in finding out what she wants. OTOH, perhaps she needs a new kidney or something and wants to see if you'd be a match, or needs money to help pay for her medical care, so she's looking for new siblings to hit up for cash, so I guess it could go either way.

 

I'm not sure what you should do, but I will say that if you trust your mom's and your dh's gut feelings on things, and believe that they are usually fairly accurate in their assessments of people and situations, their advice to you should be weighted far more heavily than our feelings about the matter, because they know you better than we do, and they also have extensive knowledge of your family situation.

 

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for you. This must be very stressful. I can't even imagine. :grouphug:

[DarlaS]

I have no idea what their concerns are.  They just keep saying something doesn't seem right.  This woman or my sister can get NOTHING from us so I don't see what it hurts to have contact with either of them.  My DH did suggest something about identity theft, but I can't imagine that's what this woman is doing.

I can't imagine going to that much trouble to steal someone's identity when you could just swipe something out of someone's mailbox or trash...

[Kathryn]

I don't find anything strange about what you've described. I don't find it at all odd that she didn't immediately respond to your message either. I expect she would want to contact your shared sister before going further.

[HappyLady]

Is there any chance that your mom and your dh are worried about you becoming too emotionally involved with this new person, and wanting to help them with their problems?

 

I only ask this because in other threads, you've seemed almost overly caring and nice, without considering the burden others are placing on you. Maybe your mom and your dh think you already have enough on your plate, and that it's not a good time to add yet another potentially needy person to your life.

 

That said, we have no evidence whatsoever that this person wants anything from you other than some basic health history, and as long as you are able to set boundaries, I'm not sure I see any harm in finding out what she wants. OTOH, perhaps she needs a new kidney or something and wants to see if you'd be a match, or needs money to help pay for her medical care, so she's looking for new siblings to hit up for cash, so I guess it could go either way.

 

I'm not sure what you should do, but I will say that if you trust your mom's and your dh's gut feelings on things, and believe that they are usually fairly accurate in their assessments of people and situations, their advice to you should be weighted far more heavily than our feelings about the matter, because they know you better than we do, and they also have extensive knowledge of your family situation.

 

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for you. This must be very stressful. I can't even imagine. :grouphug:

 

 

Aw, you're sweet.  I always appreciate that you somehow remember my posts.  I can't remember what I did 5 minutes ago!  :)  I doubt my mom is worried about anything like that, she's one of the people who uses (or at least used to as I put my foot down with her) me the most.   :glare:   And my DH is always worried about stuff you can find out about someone online and always thinks people are trying to somehow steal our identities.  

 

My mom seems leary of it all because she never knew about this child.  For some reason my dad told her about the others, but not this one.  Like someone else suggested, maybe he didn't know about the baby.  It's just odd that my dad would would "hide" this one, if that's what happened.

 

And yeah, it's a bit stressful because I always wanted a big family, not realizing I had one all along.  :(  Now I feel like I'll never know my siblings.

[gardenmom5]

 

 

My mom seems leary of it all because she never knew about this child.  For some reason my dad told her about the others, but not this one.  Like someone else suggested, maybe he didn't know about the baby.  It's just odd that my dad would would "hide" this one, if that's what happened.

 

if your mom knew of the others, and not this, part of her may be feeling betrayed - even if it isn't logical.

it's possible your father didn't know about this child.

depending upon the circumstances surrounding the conception - it could make sense that he did know, and deliberately kept it quiet.

[Murphy101]

wow, Martha...I'm surprised. You really don't understand that someone would want answers and to know the rest of their family from their father? Thank GOD that my family didn't treat me that way when I contacted them. It wasn't like I or my siblings had a choice in our parents' decisions.

I think it's just fine for a stranger to contact another person, but no, I don't think that other person has any obligation whatsoever to reciprocate and I don't think it means they are not nice for not wanting to start a familial relationship with someone they wouldn't know from Adam/Eve. No one has a choice in their parents' decisions, but they certainly have a choice in their own. I don't get the desire to know about extended family we never met. Never have. I don't really care if other people do, but I don't think that obligates anyone to agree or contribute to it. I don't do the ancestry stuff at all and feel no connection to it.

 

I avoid drama like the plague when possible. Half siblings out of the blue, even really nice ones, would send off my impending drama radar big time. I don't care to discuss my parents' dramas with the siblings I do know, so the chances of wanting to share with a stranger is very slim indeed.

[*Lulu*]

wow, Martha...I'm surprised. You really don't understand that someone would want answers and to know the rest of their family from their father? Thank GOD that my family didn't treat me that way when I contacted them. It wasn't like I or my siblings had a choice in our parents' decisions.

  

I think it's just fine for a stranger to contact another person, but no, I don't think that other person has any obligation whatsoever to reciprocate and I don't think it means they are not nice for not wanting to start a familial relationship with someone they wouldn't know from Adam/Eve. No one has a choice in their parents' decisions, but they certainly have a choice in their own. I don't get the desire to know about extended family we never met. Never have. I don't really care if other people do, but I don't think that obligates anyone to agree or contribute to it. I don't do the ancestry stuff at all and feel no connection to it.

I avoid drama like the plague when possible. Half siblings out of the blue, even really nice ones, would send off my impending drama radar big time. I don't care to discuss my parents' dramas with the siblings I do know, so the chances of wanting to share with a stranger is very slim indeed.

I actually appreciate both sides of this as someone who has reached out and made contact with a grandfather I didn't know existed until I was almost 30, yet has no interest in getting to know my new extended family at all.

 

For me, I was hoping to give my father and his bio-father some closure. (Looong story, my grandmother had led each man to believe the other wanted nothing to with him once the existence of the other was discovered. She's a real peach.)

 

I wouldn't necessarily ignore any of them if they made contact, but I would be leery of becoming too enmeshed too quickly.

[mommaduck]

I think it's just fine for a stranger to contact another person, but no, I don't think that other person has any obligation whatsoever to reciprocate and I don't think it means they are not nice for not wanting to start a familial relationship with someone they wouldn't know from Adam/Eve. No one has a choice in their parents' decisions, but they certainly have a choice in their own. I don't get the desire to know about extended family we never met. Never have. I don't really care if other people do, but I don't think that obligates anyone to agree or contribute to it. I don't do the ancestry stuff at all and feel no connection to it.

 

I avoid drama like the plague when possible. Half siblings out of the blue, even really nice ones, would send off my impending drama radar big time. I don't care to discuss my parents' dramas with the siblings I do know, so the chances of wanting to share with a stranger is very slim indeed.

 

Yes, you have a choice. It was the way you said, "they aren't family". Almost as though you are VERY adamant that any siblings not raised with other siblings "aren't family". That came off harsh (I don't know if you meant it that way or not). I gave my siblings the opportunity to reject me and I never forced myself into their lives. I found out that they had known about me, assumed I knew about them, and thought I had rejected them all those years (I didn't even know they existed; my mother did). I find the lack of even an opportunity strange, that's all. But I know I shouldn't be surprised that there are people that feel that way.

[kbutton]

I agree that you should take normal precautions to not give out information you wouldn't give to a stranger until you know more. But, it could become a rewarding relationship. My great-grandfather made babies in record numbers (mostly with two women). Some of the kids who were full siblings in the second "family" rejected each other as well as rejecting the half-siblings that are on my side of the family. One of the rejected kids has been "grafted" into the part of the family I descend from, and it's meant a lot to him as well as to other family members. He found our side of the family when one of his descendants was doing genealogical research. He knew there was another family, but didn't have any information.