Birthday Invite/Siblings WWYD?

[Lolly]

My kids learned early on that family ties are more important than friends. They didn't like the lessons at the time, but now they fully understand and appreciate it. They are all exceptionally close as a result and treat each other with a level of respect I don't see in most sibling groups. 

 

I would be declining the invitation. My girls would know why. We would do something else during the party. 

 

Normally, I have no problem with siblings being exluded on invites. This situation is completely different from the usual invite situation.

[Haiku]

And yes, the mean girl stuff starts early...even more reason to extend to a child so influenced by it, our grace.

 

I would like to say that I agree with this, but having lived through mean girls when I was in school and witnessing mean girls my kids know, I have concluded the mean girls thrive because people are too afraid to just call them out on it. Watching how schools handle problems with mean girls, where the victims are assigned equal responsibility for the problem, and in social groups, where mean girls are sneaky and conniving but appear completely innocent when adults get involved, and watching the victims of these bullies being victimized even more by being told that they need to cut the mean girl some slack, and watching how grown adults are afraid to confront mean girls, I just can't agree with this. If mean girls were called out more often, I think there would be fewer of them. As a young parent I didn't know how to handle the mean girl next door. Were I to go through it again, I would tell this child in no uncertain terms that my kids don't play with little mean girls and that she could knock it off, forever, or never come back.

[jewellsmommy]

I just wanted to comment on the 'mean girl' aspect of this problem. I think it takes a lot of observation to really determine if you are dealing with a mean girl. At 7years old, there are definitely mean, manipulative children. There are also children who are not as quick to pick up on social graces or struggle to have a grasp on the social rules. They can be misunderstood easily but still have a good heart. Time usually reveals which is which.

 

If this girl is manipulative and controlling, then I would make other plans for the party night and explain to my oldest that sometimes bullies seek to put people down/exclude in order to feel more powerful. That sort of behavior is not to be tolerated. This is a time to model proper behavior by politely declining and explaining that you are choosing time with your family instead. I would not forbid my children from playing with her as long as the ugly bully behavior is not surfacing. The mean girl can learn from per pressure that bully behavior does not get her what she wants. When bully behavior surfaces then I would encourage my dds to communicate their dislike and end the session of play. Just be careful that children understand that disagreement on matters does not equal mean or bully-ish behavior.

 

If there is not enough info yet to decide that this is manipulation and bully behavior, then I would allow the invited children to go and explain that sometimes people are just sometimes more drawn to certain personalities than others and that's ok. I would play a game, watch a movie or bake with the uninvited child to show that it is not the end of the world to be excluded from a party. The older 2 would be expected to show proper manners when they returned by not boasting or discussing the events in the company of the uninvited sibling. That's just proper manners.

 

Only the op knows for sure if this is truly a mean girl or a potentially awkward, misunderstood girl who lacks social graces. I would try to take a step back and be sure of my assertions before acting. I am one who believes that older children should learn to handle relationships and the problems that arise, but under distant supervision to be watchful for behaviors that may need guidance.

 

I will say that I have seen siblings gang up in a passive aggressive manner in order to ensure outcomes in their favor that have nothing to do with the other being mean, just having differing opinions etc. But, of course, I always encourage siblings to stick up for each other but not to form a gang. KWIM? This is where active attention to interactions come in. Single children can sometimes react to feeling outnumbered when up against large sibling groups. I am NOT saying that this is at all the case here, just throwing it out there as part of the conversation.

[Orthodox6]

I just wanted to comment on the 'mean girl' aspect of this problem. I think it takes a lot of observation to really determine if you are dealing with a mean girl. At 7years old, there are definitely mean, manipulative children. There are also children who are not as quick to pick up on social graces or struggle to have a grasp on the social rules. They can be misunderstood easily but still have a good heart. Time usually reveals which is which.

 

 

THANK YOU!  I knew that there was something very important that I was forgetting to remark.

 

 

[StephanieZ]

I want to point out to those who think it is OK to invite some and leave others out that it is inherently rude to do so in an obvious way.

 

If you only invite some kids in a group, you must NOT mention the party in any way (before or after) in front of the excluded kids. 

 

So, in my world, you can only do exclusive events if your kids are both mature and tactful enough to follow those rules. We recently had a small birthday party for my youngest. When we were going to a group event the day prior where some guests would be, I reminded dd before we walked in about not mentioning the party at all since others were there who would be left out. I remind the kids frequently of this guideline while they are young enough to need reminders. 

 

Soooo, you don't ever hand out invites to one child in front of another uninvited child. 

 

In practice, I believe the same principle applies to sibling groups. You don't invite one sibling without inviting the others UNLESS there is an obvious gender or age difference that explains the exclusivity. 

 

Really, how would you feel if a "friend" organized a mixed-gender outing and invited your spouse but NOT YOU. How about if an in law or sibling did it? It really wouldn't bother you? What if a similar group was organized and they invited you but NOT YOUR SPOUSE. You'd be OK going? Gasp! I'd never imagine attending such an event nor ever socializing with a person who'd intentionally exclude someone I loved because they just didn't measure up for some reason. ICK. I don't need that kind of ugliness in my life, and I don't want it in my kids' lives either.

 

Birthday parties are supposed to be fun events in which the host learn to be a gracious HOST and have fun with a group of people. It's not a practice run at being a Bridezilla where s/he practices being the center of the universe. 

 

We have great, fun parties. We focus on planning an event in which *everyone* will have a nice time, not events in which the birthday child will have a great time at the expense of hurting some other child's feelings or making our guests uncomfortable by extending exclusive and hurtful invites. The birthday child practices being gracious and helping their guests enjoy themselves.

[Wheres Toto]

IF I remember correctly (the thread is getting kind of long to double-check) - the envelope only had the names of the two older girls on it?  So, unless this 7 year old can write as well as an adult, it appears the mother is fully aware that the younger, closer-in-age, part of the group, plays with them often sibling has been excluded.

I wouldn't let any of my kids go.

 

I agree the mean girl stuff starts young.  We dealt with it all the time at dance for my oldest.  The studio had a policy that invitations could not be handed out at dance EVER.  Not even if an entire group was being invited. They needed to be mailed or handed to the parents away from the girls.   They also discouraged any discussion of events in front of those who may not have been invited.  Probably couldn't eliminate it completely but they did work hard at preventing as much of this behavior as they could.

[kolamum]

I would find a reason not to be home & take my children out to do something fun. I can respect not inviting all children, but I find it odd that she wouldn't invite the child closest in age to herself. It'd also be a bit rough for your younger child to see her older siblings playing in the backyard & not be allowed to go join them. So I'd simply take them all someplace fun & have a family day of it instead. :)

[Orthodox6]

I would find a reason not to be home & take my children out to do something fun. I can respect not inviting all children, but I find it odd that she wouldn't invite the child closest in age to herself. It'd also be a bit rough for your younger child to see her older siblings playing in the backyard & not be allowed to go join them. So I'd simply take them all someplace fun & have a family day of it instead. :)

 

Responding here to your wondering about why the child would invite the older children instead of the one closest to her in age.  Makes complete familiar experience to me.  Most (?) children naturally want to hang out with children older than themselves. 

[Catwoman]

Responding here to your wondering about why the child would invite the older children instead of the one closest to her in age. Makes complete familiar experience to me. Most (?) children naturally want to hang out with children older than themselves.

In this case, though, Paige said that many of the guests will be first graders, like her younger dd.

[8circles]

The people throwing the party get to decide who's invited.  Absolutely true.  It is important that kids learn that they won't be invited to everything.  Absolutely true.

 

Doesn't mean the guest list decisions aren't rude, inconsiderate, or inappropriate.

 

I don't subscribe to the "my party, it's all about me" point of view.  You party is still part of the community as a whole & other people deserve some consideration.  

 

I don't think I would allow any of my kids to go, regardless how the excluded child felt.  It is really irrelevant to me that the birthday child may consider the older children her friends, but not the younger.     

[Alice]

But really, the most important question of all hasn’t been answered...

 

Will there be cupcakes at this party?

[Girl Power]

You really don't see any issue with a kid going up to a group of kids in the neighborhood, passing out invitations, and making a point to exclude one girl in front of all of the others and tell her that she isn't invited? 

 

Especially when they are sisters who routinely play together? 

 

I would decline the invitation and do something fun with the kids. I would not let a child flaunt that she is inviting two sisters and not the third, in her face. Yes, her party, her invites, I get it.  But I would not participate in a party where one child was deliberately left out in such an obvious way. Yuck.

 

Beck

[myfunnybunch]

 I'd never imagine attending such an event nor ever socializing with a person who'd intentionally exclude someone I loved because they just didn't measure up for some reason. ICK. I don't need that kind of ugliness in my life, and I don't want it in my kids' lives either.

 

Birthday parties are supposed to be fun events in which the host learn to be a gracious HOST and have fun with a group of people. It's not a practice run at being a Bridezilla where s/he practices being the center of the universe. 

 

 

This, exactly. And I 100% agree with the other poster(s?) who pointed out that while a hostess certainly has a right to invite guests or not to her party, the invitees are also free to accept or decline the invitation as they choose.

 

What would *I* do? (Since that was the original question.)

I would acknowledge to my children that any party host is absolutely entitled to invite whomever she wishes. I would remind them that just because one or two siblings are invited to a party doesn't mean that all must be included in order to be "fair". And in this situation, I would tell them that the location of the party, and the inclusion of two siblings and so many neighborhood children from the group to the purposeful and public exclusion of one was done in such a way that we as a family will quietly choose to support the uninvited sibling by graciously declining the invitation and going elsewhere during the party. I'd let the girls choose the activity, but I would make it very clear that the party is not an option. "I love and support my family" trumps "I want to go to the neighborhood birthday party."

 

I'd also make it very clear that in our family, we handle such situations graciously by not engaging in discussions about the party or of the family outing. No drama, no neighborhood politics. Drop or change the subject if it comes up. We cannot choose the actions of others, but we can certainly choose our own, and it is our responsibility to behave graciously, do the best we can to be considerate, and let others make their own choices.

 

Cat

[Paige]

Will there be cupcakes at this party?

Of course. The most delicious cupcakes you can possibly imagine will be there. And you can't have any. :)

[Catwoman]

Of course. The most delicious cupcakes you can possibly imagine will be there. And you can't have any. :)

If Alice doesn't get any, I don't want any, either.

 

So there.

 

:D :D :D :D

 

Just standing up for a fellow WTMer.... ;)

[Trish]

Well we're a family that goes out of our way to include siblings.

 

No, none of my kids would go to the party in this situation. So the birthday girl can now fill those extra slots due to her "numbers limitation."

[Trish]

I think birthday parties are more trouble than they're worth and find a cake and a play at the park sufficient celebration, but I just wanted to add that I think all seven year olds deserve our grace. They're little children, for crying out loud. And yes, the mean girl stuff starts early...even more reason to extend to a child so influenced by it, our grace.

What does this grace look like, in action? Going to the party, or no?

 

I'm all for cutting a 7-year-old some slack as far as not knowing enough to invite all three, or that the mother imposed some sort of arbitrary numbers thing on a home party. (what, the cake couldn't be sliced a little thinner?)

 

But not getting all judgy on the 7-year-old doesn't mean you have to send the older daughters to the party.

[SKL]

Dang.  After all this I will never throw a birthday party unless I can invite the entire country. :p

 

ETA:  No offense to Canadians!

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Pretty certain this is why we rarely have birthday parties, that and they end up costing too much.

[Catwoman]

Dang.  After all this I will never throw a birthday party unless I can invite the entire country. :p

 

ETA:  No offense to Canadians!

If you're not going to invite the Canadians, then no party for you!!!

 

Sometimes you are so thoughtless. ;)

[Paige]

Update:

 

DH lost the coin toss on who got to RSVP. He called and left a message that big girls would not be allowed to go because it would be hurtful for little DD if they went when she was the only child in the neighborhood not invited. That's probably more info than I would have given. We have not seen or heard from them since the invitation was given. Usually the kid is over here most of the day on the weekends and after school and they've played with the other kids.

 

I did get her a small gift and the girls made their own. They'll take them up to her before or after the party. We've decided to allow them to continue to play with her but not at her house and I'm going to kid proof the basement so that they can play inside here when it gets cold. Normally she is not allowed inside because of issues in the past, but I think I will feel better if I can see and hear what is going on among them more clearly. If we keep having problems, then we'll have to tell her not to come over anymore, but I'd rather not. I don't want to start a feud and I wouldn't want the other kids to have to pick sides over who they'll play with if my children aren't allowed to play with the other child.

 

We're going to take our kids on an overnight trip the night of the party. And that's all.

 

I don't think the question was do you have to invite all siblings to all parties, or what would you do if random sibling was not invited to random party. We have been to lots of parties where only 1 or 2 of the kids were invited and weren't upset or anything. It's the specifics that made this one feel icky.