Pretty in Pink Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 You are doing a GREAT job, OP! Bravo!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted August 29, 2013 Author Share Posted August 29, 2013 Aaaaaaaahhhhhh! She did come up. No text warning. I had forgotten to lock the screen door! It was storming and nearing 7pm so it didn't even occur to me until she was opening it. I did yell to hang on, I'll be out in a minute. It's quite annoying that the "call me ASAP" had nothing to do with a ride, but that's what she asked. A ride to Kmart/dollar store (same shopping center). I just said that we were busy tomorrow. She also asked to borrow more movies, and while I should kick my own ass for not *just* saying no, I did say no! But I threw out a stupid reason. Lol. She wasn't here very long. Not a total door mat tonight, but lots to work on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 You should be very proud of yourself! It sounds like maybe it's getting a bit easier. Remember that we are all here cheering you on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wingedradical Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Sometimes nice and compassionate people like you find it easier to say "no" to a request once removed. She acts like a child so treat her like one. Don't make the sign - she will think that is for other people, not her. Instead, do what I did with neighborhood kids. Buy small flags for the doors (I had 3 but 2 will do for you). One red and one green. Explain that you have not been able to get homeschooling, housework and family time done because of interruptions in your life (you don't have to tell her SHE and her kids are the only interruptions - you are too soft hearted to do that! (-: Or you can blame the busy social life, whatever. Tell her if the flag is red, you will no longer respond because you just can't. You haven't been able to get your work done. Explain this to the child, too. If possible, don't put the flag right on the door, put it on the porch if you have one, so that it can be seen and there is no excuse for little heads leaning into your screen. Tell her you also won't respond to people talking to you through screens or windows -- you can't because weak person that you are (lol), you cannot seem to get your work done and this must change. I know she doesn't have phone or email, but tell her you'll be curtailing those, too. If she or kid(s) still knock or you-who you, ignore them and when you do talk to them (maybe once a week), tell them why - you couldn't because you are keeping up your schedule. Very quickly, she'll stop coming. People like this are very controlling (they don't always realize this themselves, but they are). Once she senses she can no longer control you, she will lose interest in you. Or -- if you have a male significant other, sic him on her. I have found that some women will take no from a man better than from a woman. I hate that because i'm quite the egalitarian, but it is a fact of life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Sometimes nice and compassionate people like you find it easier to say "no" to a request once removed. She acts like a child so treat her like one. Don't make the sign - she will think that is for other people, not her. Instead, do what I did with neighborhood kids. Buy small flags for the doors (I had 3 but 2 will do for you). One red and one green. Explain that you have not been able to get homeschooling, housework and family time done because of interruptions in your life (you don't have to tell her SHE and her kids are the only interruptions - you are too soft hearted to do that! (-: Or you can blame the busy social life, whatever. Tell her if the flag is red, you will no longer respond because you just can't. You haven't been able to get your work done. Explain this to the child, too. If possible, don't put the flag right on the door, put it on the porch if you have one, so that it can be seen and there is no excuse for little heads leaning into your screen. Tell her you also won't respond to people talking to you through screens or windows -- you can't because weak person that you are (lol), you cannot seem to get your work done and this must change. I know she doesn't have phone or email, but tell her you'll be curtailing those, too. This is a nice idea for managing friendly relationships. I have some friends whose whole neighborhood (well, the homes with kids) adopted a signal system so people would know who was available and who was not. It worked out well because people followed the "rules" and because everyone wanted to maintain the relationships. This doesn't seem to be what the OP wants or needs. And no one, ever, soft-hearted or not, needs to make excuses for not being available to others when they are home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 I have a few plates, bowls, and junky knives I'm getting rid of. Do I give them to her? I don't want her to start asking if I'm getting rid of anything else... Put them on the porch/edge of yard by street in a box labeled free? I'm sure she'll be the one to take them, again don't want to open that up... Eliminate any chance of her taking it by dropping off at Salvation Army? I hate giving them stuff because some things are priced so high. I also don't want to go out today. I know... Dumb thing to be overthinking. Lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Why are YOU not getting a new cell phone and not giving her the number. Why? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Ugh!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I have a few plates, bowls, and junky knives I'm getting rid of. Do I give them to her? I don't want her to start asking if I'm getting rid of anything else... Put them on the porch/edge of yard by street in a box labeled free? I'm sure she'll be the one to take them, again don't want to open that up... Eliminate any chance of her taking it by dropping off at Salvation Army? I hate giving them stuff because some things are priced so high. I also don't want to go out today. I know... Dumb thing to be overthinking. Lol. That is absolutely NOT an option. Trash or Salvation Army . . . even Freecycle. You're sounding like an addict who just wants a 'little' hit of whatever they're trying to quit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 You should be very proud of yourself! It sounds like maybe it's getting a bit easier. Remember that we are all here cheering you on! Yes, I will cheer her on. BUT posts like 107 make me cringe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 Why are YOU not getting a new cell phone and not giving her the number. Why? I've had the same number for 12 years! Not happening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 We aren't inbred but there are a few crazies. They are attracted to me. Like flies. I've got to say, I am SO glad crazies are not attracted to me. I cannot believe things like the OP stated even happen. I would...I don't even know what. I would never recover if someone tried that on me. LOL I can tend to be a total doormat in conversations (extremely self deprecating) and with dh and things like that, but I must have an "eat shit" aura about me, because no one has EVER tried anything like that with me. I hope you find a resolution soon, I would have called the cops or moved long ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbeym Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I have a few plates, bowls, and junky knives I'm getting rid of. Do I give them to her? I don't want her to start asking if I'm getting rid of anything else... Put them on the porch/edge of yard by street in a box labeled free? I'm sure she'll be the one to take them, again don't want to open that up... Eliminate any chance of her taking it by dropping off at Salvation Army? I hate giving them stuff because some things are priced so high. I also don't want to go out today. I know... Dumb thing to be overthinking. Lol. Don't give them to her. Either throw them out with the trash or keep them in the house until you feel like making a trip to Salvation Army. Giving them to her is only inviting more trouble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I have a few plates, bowls, and junky knives I'm getting rid of. Do I give them to her? I don't want her to start asking if I'm getting rid of anything else... Put them on the porch/edge of yard by street in a box labeled free? I'm sure she'll be the one to take them, again don't want to open that up... Eliminate any chance of her taking it by dropping off at Salvation Army? I hate giving them stuff because some things are priced so high. I also don't want to go out today. I know... Dumb thing to be overthinking. Lol. As others have already said, throw the stuff in the trash and don't give it another thought. Why would you even think about doing something nice for someone you're trying to get rid of? Think about the incredibly mixed signals you would be sending the woman. Could you blame her for thinking you were still her friend if you gave her a gift? Other than your Momentary Dish and Cutlery Lapse, you're doing great! Keep up the good work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I have a few plates, bowls, and junky knives I'm getting rid of. Do I give them to her? I don't want her to start asking if I'm getting rid of anything else... Put them on the porch/edge of yard by street in a box labeled free? I'm sure she'll be the one to take them, again don't want to open that up... Eliminate any chance of her taking it by dropping off at Salvation Army? I hate giving them stuff because some things are priced so high. I also don't want to go out today. I know... Dumb thing to be overthinking. Lol. Take it to Goodwill or something. Seriously. By offering it to her, you are saying "I am your friend and want to continue to be your friend". Either get out of the relationship or don't, but make a choice as to which it will be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 They're in my truck for Salvation Army. I said no to driving her today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 They're in my truck for Salvation Army. I said no to driving her today. Good to hear! After seeing your post about wondering if you should offer the stuff to her, I have to admit I started to wonder: do you really want to cut off this relationship? So I was happy to see you did not offer it to her. Do you see how much she has been controlling your life? You are paralyzed about getting rid of stuff because of her! So, keep moving forward! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 I really do want her out! As I was cleaning my cabinets, I was grumbling about dealing with the crap I was tossing, then I thought "oooo, I can just give to her! No dealing." Lol. Garbage pick up is expensive, so I'm careful about what I toss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I thought all phones have the capability of blocking numbers. Yours can't block her number? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I have a few plates, bowls, and junky knives I'm getting rid of. Do I give them to her? I don't want her to start asking if I'm getting rid of anything else... Put them on the porch/edge of yard by street in a box labeled free? I'm sure she'll be the one to take them, again don't want to open that up... Eliminate any chance of her taking it by dropping off at Salvation Army? I hate giving them stuff because some things are priced so high. I also don't want to go out today. I know... Dumb thing to be overthinking. Lol. ... Seriously? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 I thought all phones have the capability of blocking numbers. Yours can't block her number? I can block her... But then she'd be at my door multiple times each day again. Today so far is good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 ... Seriously? Yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I can see trying to be polite generally, but I am not understanding the lack of reaction to someone being in your bathroom. Or to your dd being stuck there in a towel. My instincts would be to protect. WHile in the shower you are in a vulnerable position so the instinct should be a fight or flight thing, not a stand there and listen to her prattle on while you soap up. Is there a reason that there is so many drama filled people in your life? Do you attract crazy? Because the bulk of your stories are about crazy people in your life. In fact many times they are crazy people that you asked about setting boundaries with months or even a year+ ago, and if you had followed the advice you requested back then those crazy people wouldn't be trying to join you in the shower. It seems there is always a crazy neighbor, friend, park lady, magical fairy, whatever. If she is walking into your home uninvited, is taking your things and you are becoming a prisoner of your own home, report it to the police or grow a pair of mama balls and tell her to get out. You need to teach your kids how to set boundaries, and protect your family/home. You don't have to be nasty to do that, but yes rudeness is called for at times. YOu are allowing this woman to make your kids feel unsafe in their own home, and learn to be doormats to this nonsense. If you are too worried about being polite for your own sake, then think about how this affects them. I would think their feelings matter more than this crazy woman's do. This is a fantastic post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 OP, you don't mention how your children react to those intrusions. Do they maybe enjoy her company? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 They don't enjoy her or the kids. They'd love for me to step out of the picture and let them handle it! Until a previous incident and this post, I didn't want them to be rude, but I'm about to let them have at it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 They don't enjoy her or the kids. They'd love for me to step out of the picture and let them handle it! Until a previous incident and this post, I didn't want them to be rude, but I'm about to let them have at it. I remember your posts from long time about about this woman and all the great advice and empathy and support that you got. I'm going to be blunt. I thought that maybe your kids liked something about this woman, or liked the distraction that she brings. But if this is not the case you are failing to protect them. Your comment above is beyond disturbing. Why would you set up your kids to be in the middle of it? *You* need to step up and be firm. *You* need to be in control here and protect your children. She is *your* problem, not theirs. They shouldn't be the ones who protect their mother, especially as they are young and special needs. This is absolutely not healthy to "let them have at it". Please don't involve your children in this unhealthy dynamics! It is enough that they are witnessing it and witnessing you not respecting their boundaries. This isn't about you anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 They don't enjoy her or the kids. They'd love for me to step out of the picture and let them handle it! Until a previous incident and this post, I didn't want them to be rude, but I'm about to let them have at it. You don't let them have at it because it shouldn't be their job. It is YOUR job to get rid of the crazy, not make them feel they have to defend you or their home against it themselves. That is putting too much on the shoulders of 2 young kids. It should never even occur to them to have you step out of the picture and let them do it, because they should be able to trust without a shadow of a doubt that you are taking care of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 I guess I need to include more smilies. <wouldn't let my kids fight this battle, and have been stepping up; no more jail visit rides, no more letting others join for a trip to the store, not giving kids rides to school or watching sick kids. This whole My House Not Being A Safe Zone was new to me.> Anyway, I told her no rides today, that I was busy. I saw her in a store and am not sure if she pretended not to see me or really didn't. Either way, no texts, calls, or visits since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 The thing is though everything she does or doesn't do is still at the forefront of your mind. The key to change is not just saying no but actually moving on without a care about her, her situation etc. Not worrying/thinking about if she will call/text/show up. Not telling her you are too busy to give a ride(the correct response there is "I'm sorry I will not drive you anywhere any more, ever." You put too much thought into her actions. It's like a bad teenage breakup, as an outsider looking in. Cut ties, walk away. Deal with her if you must if she pops around, just long enough to send her on her way. But otherwise don't put so much energy into it. Take the time to talk to your kids. "Hey kids, mom dropped the ball but now it is getting fixed. New house rules, the door must be locked even when we are here, do not answer the door if mom is occupied (such as in the shower). so-an-so is not allowed here and neither are the kids, if you see them here, get me and I will deal with it". After that just go on with life and don't give her a second thought. Where your thoughts are is where your energy goes. There is only so much energy we have to get through the demands of the day raising kids, teaching, housework etc. Don't let this woman be an energy drain even when she is not around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 Other than the dish thing or updating here, I don't give her much of a thought. Updating/posting takes very little time, and will be unavailable Sunday through I don't yet know. I'm reading The Liberty Amendments, American Gun, and Pirate Alley. I've been discussing the news with the kids. I've been doing reading lessons, penmanship and math with ds. Same with dd, but replace reading with English. I've been teaching ds to chochet and dd to machine sew. We're all working on calligraphy. I'm working on a couple quilts. Dd and I are working on a paint by number. Ds has an obsession with the new stick vacuum and has been vacuuming constantly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 The thing is though everything she does or doesn't do is still at the forefront of your mind. The key to change is not just saying no but actually moving on without a care about her, her situation etc. Not worrying/thinking about if she will call/text/show up. Not telling her you are too busy to give a ride(the correct response there is "I'm sorry I will not drive you anywhere any more, ever." You put too much thought into her actions. It's like a bad teenage breakup, as an outsider looking in. Cut ties, walk away. Deal with her if you must if she pops around, just long enough to send her on her way. But otherwise don't put so much energy into it. Take the time to talk to your kids. "Hey kids, mom dropped the ball but now it is getting fixed. New house rules, the door must be locked even when we are here, do not answer the door if mom is occupied (such as in the shower). so-an-so is not allowed here and neither are the kids, if you see them here, get me and I will deal with it". After that just go on with life and don't give her a second thought. Where your thoughts are is where your energy goes. There is only so much energy we have to get through the demands of the day raising kids, teaching, housework etc. Don't let this woman be an energy drain even when she is not around. ITA. And just keep that door locked! Keep it locked, no matter how nice it is outside, and no matter how much you want to drink your morning coffee and feel the breeze. It is a real safety issue, and the ways things have been, keeping the door open is simply not an option for now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildcat Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 They're in my truck for Salvation Army. I said no to driving her today. Very good. You are doing well. Baby steps. And Hon, keep that door LOCKED! All the time. I don't care how safe of an area you live in... the door stays locked. Always. Keep it up.... you have a good start here. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skeeterbug Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 Don't respond to texts! Yes, it is impolite but you are way past that point. And if you ever find her dh has kicked the child out again, call the police. Don't get involved. Giving her things is an open invitation- don't do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 Garbage pick up is expensive, So are therapy and bail... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 How did it get this far? You don't meet someone one day and a little while later, they are in your bathroom (while you are showering) without you being friendly, correct? So you were nice and spent time with her even though you didn't like her? I just can't imagine having a relationship with someone I didn't like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 Someone, please link me to the pepsi baby thread. ETA: I think I found it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 You're making progress. Just don't back down now. She will still call for something, one day. Don't tell yourself at that moment, oh she hasn't asked for anything in a while, it'll be okay to do this one thing. No... Just no. You'll be right back at square one. Don't do anything for her, don't respond to her except to tell her no or to leave, and otherwise don't give her another thought. Stay strong, and be in control of your own life! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skeeterbug Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 Someone, please link me to the pepsi baby thread. ETA: I think I found it. Please link for the rest of us! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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