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Polite but firm?


amo_mea_filiis.
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This has gone on WAY too long, which of course makes everything more awkward to try and change.

 

I have an acquaintance (I hesitate to even call her that) who drops by almost daily and sometime more.

 

This all started with her coming over occasionally to ask for a cigarette or to go through the outdoor ashtray for anything (absolutely friggen nasty; I now dump it daily as a hint). I didn't mind so much because I didn't have to "entertain" her.

 

It has morphed and I can't stand it. I know you'll all say "boundaries," but I need some specifics. (She no longer has a phone/email/Internet, and I'd rather NOT say to come back another time! But I'm also not capable of saying "stop coming by. I do not like you.)

 

Specifics needed-

 

1. we were eating dinner and dd answered the door a tiny crack (our door is in the dining room!) and said we were eating dinner. Woman pushes through dd while saying "that's ok, I just need to talk to your mom for a minute." She proceeds to hover above me while I'm eating (intentionally trying to be rude here!) and ramble on about something. While she's talking, her son wanders into the kitchen and starts EATING some fries I'd made for dinner! Eating right off the pan with his nasty and unwashed kid hands (I know their habits well enough to say unwashed).

 

2. I can no longer leave the door or 1st floor windows open at all. If we don't answer the door, she or her kids will call us through the windows! I have to keep the door locked and I hate that. :(

 

3. If the door is open with storm door closed, her kids will stretch the screen with their hands and faces. I have said something to the kids in front of her. She neither cares that I've "corrected" them or attempts to do so herself. (I will pull the glass down so only the top half is exposed, but I really don't want to cover the screen completely yet)

 

4. To add to the door locking; the worst offense yet... I had opened the door (storm door closed) one morning and went to shower. She knocked, no one answered. She CAME IN and OPENED the bathroom door to talk to me while in the shower! We have NEVER had that kind of relationship! I was too shocked to say anything.

 

... The whole door thing really makes me mad because it's been very nice out and I want to open everything up. I'd like to sit at the table in the morning in a nightgown with my coffee and breeze coming in and do it ALONE! She'll walk in and pour herself coffee.

 

5. Now she's borrowing things, and I'm not sure how that started. (When she had a phone) She called one day to borrow a pot and I was able to say no. But she's somehow been borrowing movies. Yes I have a huge binder of movies. No it isn't inconveniencing us in any way. I still don't want to allow it.

 

6. I've tried basically ignoring and continuing with my day, but it doesn't work. I've tried keeping lights off on the first floor and staying upstairs, but her visits are not very predictable. I've tried grabbing my bag and acting like I was about to leave, and she will hop in my truck and ask to be dropped off on the way or come with me. I've even rudely started making phone calls and looking away from her, she just keeps going!

 

7. I'm done with being asked for rides. But how do I do this? She'll offer gas, ask when it is a good time, etc. It seems that there is no way out. I can't even lie and say my truck isn't running well because without fail she'll see me around town.

 

8. Her and her son just walked in one day and dd was sitting at the table in just a towel! She couldn't get up because she would have had to adjust the towel. I ended up giving her a blanket to cover with, but the woman just doesn't get it!

 

Some of this started because when she would drop by, her boys were with her and I don't trust them. So I would step outside, not because I wanted her company, but because I don't trust her boys not to steal something! (Kids and I are cleaning the yard and porch today so I can stop thinking about this... I just went outside because I realized my kids have not been on the scooter lately and sure enough, it's gone)

 

I just want this to end! I have not EVER in 3 years here initiated a call to her. Never stopped by her house without warning (only ever stopped by to take her somewhere). Never been in her house. I've never invited her anywhere. The only thing I've done is offer to watch her boys while she went to the hospital with the possibility of her being admitted.

 

I'm sure I've posted about this before, but nothing is working. I have a feeling it's going to get worse when her boys go back to school.

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Okay, I think I would make a list f the things that have gone missing. Next time she pops over, don't ask her if she or her kids took the item, just assume she/they did, and say, "I need you to bring back the ______ today, could you just run home and get it right now so we don't forget?" I'm thinking do this often enough and she will start feeling uncomfortable. (Ha, maybe not, but it's worth a try.

 

I think you are going to have to be as audacious to her as she is being to you - not mean, but very direct.

 

Just so I understand the dynamics, am I correct in assuming that neither f you have a man in the house? Just thinking that's an additional line of protection/restraint.

 

If you can't get a lock for your storm door, at least get a motion detector for it.

 

Can't wait to hear what others suggest. It's quite a predicament. .

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Not for anything, but why would you want to be friends with this woman?

 

Because if you don't even really want to be acquaintances with her (let alone be her friend,) why are you so worried about being polite?

 

You have already let this go way too far.

 

"Polite but firm" is simply not going to work.

 

Stop being so nice. Stop being accommodating. Just. Stop. Put a lock on your door and when she comes over, tell her it's a bad time. And then walk away from the door.

 

For the life of me, I can't figure out why anyone would ever, ever, ever put up with a person like that. Ever.

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The discomfort of a serious run-in will be much more short-lived than the prolonged discomfort of constant visits. Just have the talk with her. "I'm sorry, but unexpected company is too stressful for us. We cannot do it anymore."

 

If you can't do cold-turkey, just tell her no more weekday visits. Then you can just start running errands on weekends until they for new habits that don't involve you. Put up a sign if you must.

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This needs to end NOW.  This could be considered stalking and could become dangerous.  She is already walking into your house uninvited without inhibition (while you were in the shower).  They are stealing from you. You will have to bite the bullet, stand your ground, and politely, but firmly, tell her that you no longer wish to associate with her, and neither she nor the kids are welcome in your home due to the liberties she has taken. 

 

Check to see if your state has a stalking law.  If it does, start documenting everything.  If you can remember dates and times for previous incidents, start with those.  If she does not cease coming to your house, tell her you will be calling the police if necessary and that this is her last warning.  If she still persists, call the police and report her.

 

People like this know when they have a good thing going and will not give it up easily.  You need to make it downright unpleasant for her to get the picture.

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Yikes. I agree, you don't have to be nasty, but I think the polite ship has sailed here.

 

Definitely get a lock for your storm door. When she comes by, go and say, through the screen without opening the door, "Sorry, it's not a good time for a visit. Have a good day." Then close the door if you need to and walk away. If she tries to open the door or push in, look shocked and annoyed and repeat yourself. Once.

 

And sure, tell her that you need some items back: "Your boys have our scooter, basketball, and hula hoop (or whatever). Could you run home and get them for us? My kids would like them back."

 

If she asks you for something, a ride or such, that you don't want to do: "Sorry, that won't work for me." Keep repeating until she gets the message. Really, you don't owe her any more explanation than that.

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Yikes. I agree, you don't have to be nasty, but I think the polite ship has sailed here.

 

Definitely get a lock for your storm door. When she comes by, go and say, through the screen without opening the door, "Sorry, it's not a good time for a visit. Have a good day." Then close the door if you need to and walk away. If she tries to open the door or push in, look shocked and annoyed and repeat yourself. Once.

 

And sure, tell her that you need some items back: "Your boys have our scooter, basketball, and hula hoop (or whatever). Could you run home and get them for us? My kids would like them back."

 

If she asks you for something, a ride or such, that you don't want to do: "Sorry, that won't work for me." Keep repeating until she gets the message. Really, you don't owe her any more explanation than that.

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Yes. This. Exactly.

 

And the cardinal rule here is that you absolutely, positively must be consistent. You can't back down at all, or she will take full advantage of you and you'll be back to square one.

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Yikes. I agree, you don't have to be nasty, but I think the polite ship has sailed here.

 

Definitely get a lock for your storm door. When she comes by, go and say, through the screen without opening the door, "Sorry, it's not a good time for a visit. Have a good day." Then close the door if you need to and walk away. If she tries to open the door or push in, look shocked and annoyed and repeat yourself. Once.

 

And sure, tell her that you need some items back: "Your boys have our scooter, basketball, and hula hoop (or whatever). Could you run home and get them for us? My kids would like them back."

 

If she asks you for something, a ride or such, that you don't want to do: "Sorry, that won't work for me." Keep repeating until she gets the message. Really, you don't owe her any more explanation than that.

Nasty is what I was trying avoid! Thank you. Not sure why I couldn't word that. Lol.

 

I don't really feel the need to be "nice," but I couldn't be nasty, either.

 

I put down the glass on the storm door (couldn't flip them for the top to be open. :( I could maybe open it just a bit). I will also make curtains with dd to hang on the door. I've been wanting to make curtains anyway.

 

Since I only know for sure that there is one item missing, I'm not even going to address it (other items, like little lego men, I was able to stop in the act).

 

I know this all sounds way out there and crazy, but it always starts slowly and before you know it, some crazy woman is in the bathroom while you're showering!

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How in the world were you so shocked that you couldn't tell her to get out if the dang bathroom?!? I'd have been screaming at the top of my lungs!!

 

How to get her stop?? Without being rude? I don't think it's possible. This woman believes you are friends. There is no way to gently tell someone you don't want to see them.

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How in the world were you so shocked that you couldn't tell her to get out if the dang bathroom?!? I'd have been screaming at the top of my lungs!!

 

I really can't even say. It helps that you can't see through my shower curtain. I just stood there with my jaw on the floor. I have no idea why I couldn't speak.

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All of this as described is so over the top that I'd be worried about PHYSICAL boundaries, never mind social/emotional ones!

 

I wouldn't be worried about losing this person as a friend. I would be polite because in general that's the charitable thing to do, but if this woman pretended not to understand or ignored what I said, then I would drop polite and just go with direct. Also I think you need to get the idea "firm" out of your head, you need NON-NEGOTIABLE.

 

"I'm not comfortable with you just dropping by unannounced. We're free Saturdays from 1-2 pm." Or whatever you deem tolerable.

 

Or, "I'm sorry, but we're going to need to take a break from this relationship." (Why? You don't need a reason. Just keep repeating, ĂƒÂ¤d nauseum)

 

Or, "I'm sorry but I can't continue this friendship anymore. Our styles are just too different." To whatever she says, "I'm sorry, but that's just the way it's going to have to be for now.

 

Ăƒâ€¹tc.

 

Good luck!

 

 

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get a chain lock for the door - they can't open it from the outside, but you can still have it cracked for airflow.  if you have a storm door - lock it.

 

learn to say NO.  don't offer excuses, just say "no". or "doesn't work" no matter what those are the only things you need to say.   It's okay to say "no", don't feel guilty for saying "no".  when she asks "why not?" the ONLY answer is "because it doesn't work for me."  repeat ad infinitim.

 

if she comes in - get up from whatever you are doing - take her by the arm and walk to the door while answering her question.  (no, can't take you to the dr. rinse repeat, no excuses.) open the door, and walk her through if you have to then shut it behind her and lock it.  if she's is that dense.  be blunt.  "we're busy, you have to leave now".  she's either incredibly rude or incredibly clueless.  if the former - don't worry about offending her, she doesn't care about inconveniencing or offending you. - if the latter, bluntness may be what it takes to register.  if she still refuses to leave after being told to leave - you have the right to call the police on her for trespassing - especially if she just walked in and you told her to leave.  have the non-emergency number handy, and if she's not leaving within two minutes of being told to leave, tell her you are calling the police because you asked her to leave, and since she hasn't she is trespassing. then pick up the phone and start dialing.

 

when she shouts through the window - you can answer ONCE.  hi, sorry, we're busy right now and will be for the rest of the day.  then turn away from her.  turn on music to drown her out if you must.  ( do NOT give a reason of what you're busy doing.)   if you have curtains, close them on her, EVEN IF (*especially* if) she's still standing there.  eventually she'll get the message.  hopefully before your sanity gives out.

 

if you are concerned she'll steal something off your porch, I'm sorry but you'll just have to make sure NOTHING gets left out.  if anything does get stolen, or happens to your house (egging, rocks, etc.) you know who to report to the police.

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Man, at this point, I wouldn't even bother being nice. I'd also document as much as I remember and from now on. I'd also tell her that the scooter better be returned in the condition it was stolen in by the next AM or I'd be reporting it. And I'd tell her that she or the kids come on my property or in my house, and they're trespassing, breaking and entering, whatever, and I'm calling the cops.

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Being blunt isn't rude.  Clearly this woman will not or can not pick up on subtleties. Moving to something she can or will understand is your only option.

Anyone entering your house without permission is trespassing. Anyone "borrowing" anything without your permission is stealing. Anyone opening your bathroom door while you are obviously in there is mentally unstable. This is not an awkward social situation-this is criminal behavior.  This person clearly has a mental problem and ignoring her behavior won't solve it.

You have to state things outright with this person. "You have overstepped your boundaries by coming into my home without permission.  You arrive uninvited.  Your have taken things without my permission.  Don't come back.  I no longer want to be in any kind of relationship with you.  Leave immediately or I'll call the police and have you arrested for trespassing." Close the door and lock it.  Don't wait for her to giver her side of it.  Don't fret over her feelings.  If she refuses to leave within a couple of minutes then call the police and tell them you told someone to leave your property and they won't-they're trespassing.  Then, if she comes over again, DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR OR SPEAK TO HER. Call the police and tell them someone uninvited is on your property and is trespassing.

If she stays outside long enough for the police notice her mental problems, the courts can probably order some sort of psychological evaluation or maybe even treatment-there's nothing you can do about that.  Ignoring these kinds of problems is like ignoring cancer.

 

It's possible she could escalate with some sort of scene or retaliation.  Simply call the police and explain what's been happening.  They'll be able to tell you how to handle it legally.

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This has gone on WAY too long, which of course makes everything more awkward to try and change.

 

I have an acquaintance (I hesitate to even call her that) who drops by almost daily and sometime more.

 

This all started with her coming over occasionally to ask for a cigarette or to go through the outdoor ashtray for anything (absolutely friggen nasty; I now dump it daily as a hint). I didn't mind so much because I didn't have to "entertain" her.

 

It has morphed and I can't stand it. I know you'll all say "boundaries," but I need some specifics. (She no longer has a phone/email/Internet, and I'd rather NOT say to come back another time! But I'm also not capable of saying "stop coming by. I do not like you.)

 

Specifics needed-

 

1. we were eating dinner and dd answered the door a tiny crack (our door is in the dining room!) and said we were eating dinner. Woman pushes through dd while saying "that's ok, I just need to talk to your mom for a minute." She proceeds to hover above me while I'm eating (intentionally trying to be rude here!) and ramble on about something. While she's talking, her son wanders into the kitchen and starts EATING some fries I'd made for dinner! Eating right off the pan with his nasty and unwashed kid hands (I know their habits well enough to say unwashed).

 

2. I can no longer leave the door or 1st floor windows open at all. If we don't answer the door, she or her kids will call us through the windows! I have to keep the door locked and I hate that. :(

 

3. If the door is open with storm door closed, her kids will stretch the screen with their hands and faces. I have said something to the kids in front of her. She neither cares that I've "corrected" them or attempts to do so herself. (I will pull the glass down so only the top half is exposed, but I really don't want to cover the screen completely yet)

 

4. To add to the door locking; the worst offense yet... I had opened the door (storm door closed) one morning and went to shower. She knocked, no one answered. She CAME IN and OPENED the bathroom door to talk to me while in the shower! We have NEVER had that kind of relationship! I was too shocked to say anything.

 

... The whole door thing really makes me mad because it's been very nice out and I want to open everything up. I'd like to sit at the table in the morning in a nightgown with my coffee and breeze coming in and do it ALONE! She'll walk in and pour herself coffee.

 

5. Now she's borrowing things, and I'm not sure how that started. (When she had a phone) She called one day to borrow a pot and I was able to say no. But she's somehow been borrowing movies. Yes I have a huge binder of movies. No it isn't inconveniencing us in any way. I still don't want to allow it.

 

6. I've tried basically ignoring and continuing with my day, but it doesn't work. I've tried keeping lights off on the first floor and staying upstairs, but her visits are not very predictable. I've tried grabbing my bag and acting like I was about to leave, and she will hop in my truck and ask to be dropped off on the way or come with me. I've even rudely started making phone calls and looking away from her, she just keeps going!

 

7. I'm done with being asked for rides. But how do I do this? She'll offer gas, ask when it is a good time, etc. It seems that there is no way out. I can't even lie and say my truck isn't running well because without fail she'll see me around town.

 

8. Her and her son just walked in one day and dd was sitting at the table in just a towel! She couldn't get up because she would have had to adjust the towel. I ended up giving her a blanket to cover with, but the woman just doesn't get it!

 

Some of this started because when she would drop by, her boys were with her and I don't trust them. So I would step outside, not because I wanted her company, but because I don't trust her boys not to steal something! (Kids and I are cleaning the yard and porch today so I can stop thinking about this... I just went outside because I realized my kids have not been on the scooter lately and sure enough, it's gone)

 

I just want this to end! I have not EVER in 3 years here initiated a call to her. Never stopped by her house without warning (only ever stopped by to take her somewhere). Never been in her house. I've never invited her anywhere. The only thing I've done is offer to watch her boys while she went to the hospital with the possibility of her being admitted.

 

I'm sure I've posted about this before, but nothing is working. I have a feeling it's going to get worse when her boys go back to school.

When she starts rambling at the door: "I really am not prepared for company. I'll talk to you later."

 

When you are fed up: "I don't like it when people come over unexpectedly because I am often not feeling social. Honestly, you are coming over way too often. It is stressing me out."

 

Wen she walks in: "NO, you cannot just walk into my house. My family deserves some privacy and you absolutely cannot barge in. You need to leave now."

 

When she asks for a ride: "I have my hands full and can't be your taxi. You need to find someone else to give you rides."

 

When you never want to see her again: "This friendship is not working out for me because we are too different. I am trying to reduce the stress in my life, and this friendship causes me a lot of stress. I need a break. Please don't come over again."

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How in the world were you so shocked that you couldn't tell her to get out if the dang bathroom?!? I'd have been screaming at the top of my lungs!!

 

How to get her stop?? Without being rude? I don't think it's possible. This woman believes you are friends. There is no way to gently tell someone you don't want to see them.

Good grief! My dh knocks before he comes in the bathroom with me, as do any children. She has crossed WAY over the line. Sorry that this isn't going to be easy.

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I hate to tell you this, but you're just going to have to keep spraying her with a spray bottle until she desists. :tongue_smilie:

:D :D :D :D

 

I'm not ordinarily a violent person, but if the spray bottle doesn't work, you may have to resort to whacking her with a rolled-up newspaper. ;)

 

Catch her in the act or she'll never learn. :D

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My mom had one of these people in her life at one point, she is very naive and trusting and kind, so this person took full advantage.  It actually got to the point that whenever my mom would move she would follow her!  She followed her from CA to MT back to CA and then to IA!  She robbed her blind and was the cause of much grief and stress in my mom's life.  Not saying that will happen to you, but you really should set some absolute boundaries asap because people like this will take advantage at every single opportunity they have.   :grouphug:

 

ETA:  This woman is now dying from cancer in IA and my mom in her standard naivete actually wants to go visit her, my dad tried talking me into helping get a plane ticket for my mom for her birthday.  I told my dad h*ll no, and likened it to helping her go back to an abuser.  It has always been an abusive relationship but my mom is too kind and trusting to see her for what she is.

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I like the idea of having a chain on the door, although goodness knows it would irritate the heck out of *me* to have to protect myself from someone like that. I feel your pain!!!

 

Ok, so when she comes to the door, open it with the chain on and say, "No." and close the door. 

 

If she asks you for a ride, say "No." Walk away if possible. If not, keep repeating "No." Don't explain.

 

And frankly, I'd consider talking to the police about her, because she sounds scarey, like Glenn Close scarey. :eek:

 

Oh, and you have to instruct your children that they are never, ever to open the door.

 

:grouphug:

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I remember this woman from your previous posts.  Sounds like things have majorly escalated since the last time you posted about her. 

 

You've already received great advice above.  I would take all of those steps, with a focus on making it difficult/impossible for her to continue her behavior.  And as was already mentioned, you have to be consistent.  Any lapse on your part (e.g. letting her barge back in just once after you've already started setting boundaries) will put you back at square one.

 

If all else fails, would you consider moving?  Seems extreme, but if you can't get her to stop, and there's nothing law enforcement can do for you, that may be your best option.  Based on her behavior, and the fact that it's becoming more extreme, I would be worried about what else she is capable of doing. 

 

I'm sorry things have gotten so bad.  :grouphug:

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She sounds mentally ill. That is beyond socially acceptable and I think you don't have to worry about offending her. She is not seeing any social cues or is ignoring them to get what she wants

 

I agree that first thing, get your stuff back. Do it the direct way already mentioned. "hey, why don't you all go get that stuff at your house and then I'll pass out some cookies"  I'd try this first before setting boundaries because once you do they will bite back hard and fast.

 

So, offer some honey to get what you want. Once you have it set your boundaries and don't back down at all.

 

Think of her as the most unparented three year old ever.  You are going to have to be very, very clear and be prepared to tell her that you will call the police if she doesn't leave. I hope you don't but it might come to that. If her kids or the mom yell through windows you will have to say "don't ever do that again. It is very rude. If you do that again you may not come on our property"  If she comes in your house tell her that it is rude to come in without being invited. Tell her you will let her know when she is invited. And don't ever invite her back. If she comes back remind her she is being rude and you will invite her over when you want to see her.

 

Don't make excuses or lie. That will only make it harder in the end.

 

Come up with a script and just stick to it. Use words like rude or unacceptable or inappropriate and use them frequently. You are also allowed to say 'we don't want uninvited company'

 

 

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"No." <----- complete sentence

 

Don't add "sorry" or "but" or any other qualifiers like "not now" or "it's not a good time." She will keep pushing and probably get a little nasty, but then she will realize she needs to find someone else over whom to ride roughshod.

 

I've never in my life heard of a random quasi-friend coming into the bathroom! What a whackadoodle!

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I had managed to get her to back off (she was the one a while ago who had me taxi her around town for 3 hours), and I can't remember what the heck happened to bring her back.

 

She did say earlier something about stopping in (maybe for Internet?) once her kids are in school. I said that she could go to the library because the distractions are messing up my kids' days. Even that wasn't direct enough... She says she'll be quick. Um, no.

 

The stops are always "I need to talk to you..." And it's always gossip or she wants to know what I heard about her (today just as she was leaving, another one comes up {he gets the hints!}. When she came back, the first thing she says "what did x have to say? Oh I can only imagine he's talking s*** about me. You know his mom..." Blah blah blah.).

 

The spray bottle is a great idea! I should get some kind of motion sensor sprinkler for my stairs.

 

I am hoping to move soon, just waiting for something mid sept to make that decision.

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The spray bottle is a great idea! I should get some kind of motion sensor sprinkler for my stairs.

 

I am hoping to move soon, just waiting for something mid sept to make that decision.

the spray bottle is not a good idea - as fun as it might be to think about.  I would be concerned she could call the cops on you for that.  a motion detector sprinkler aimed at your stairs would be different.   or a motion detector that sets off an alarm.

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Of course you don't remember what it was that brought her back. She is very good at what she does. I am sure it seemed like nothing at the time. But, that is what happens.

 

If you move, make sure you give your kids a phony side of town etc of where you are moving. Just give them some totally wrong street on the opposite side of town because she will try to find you. Have a plan that your kids can just rattle off without thinking.

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the spray bottle is not a good idea - as fun as it might be to think about. I would be concerned she could call the cops on you for that. a motion detector sprinkler aimed at your stairs would be different. or a motion detector that sets off an alarm.

The spray bottle was a joke. But if I ever did that and she called the police "hi. Every time I go near my friend's door, she sprays water at me." Police: "um... Stop going near her door. Have a good day. Stay dry."

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Or you could ask her for money every time she comes over. That usually repels people.

I'm going to tell her no more weekdays. For the weekends (after 1pm and before 4pm) I could try some new policies- BYOC&C (bring your own cigarettes and coffee), and bring a newspaper to pay for my time. Rides are $50 for the pickup and $20 per mile (yeah, the taxi is much cheaper, I will not feel bad if you call them).

 

I should make a sign.

 

Is it a good time to knock?

 

Is it before 1pm or after 4pm?

Do you "need" something?

Do you have gossip to share?

Do you want me to feed or babysit your kids?

Are you here to share your religion?

Are you here to sell me something?

 

If you answered yes to any of the above. GO AWAY!

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OP, I can't remember.... how long has this been going on? I am so angry on your behalf, as I was back when I read your thread about her having you drive all over town.

 

You need to seriously stay saying "no". You sound too sweet (and maybe meek?), and you need to start getting ticked. Not necessiarily rude, but you need to get mad. I used to be too sweet (and meek), and when I started letting myself get mad, I started being able to say what I really think. It feels so good!

 

Get mad that she is using you. Get mad that she has no boundaries. Get mad that she keeps interrupting your day and get mad that her kids steal from you and that you don't trust them. Then let it come through in your voice by sounding stern. Basically, use your 'angry mom voice'---> "Susie, I am not available today. No, I can't. Because I'm not. We are having school. Goodbye. No. DO NOT come back. Goodbye."

 

You don't have to hide. You shouldn't have to hide. Don't hide. Tell her no and to go away. I agree with the others who said to document everything. If she doesn't stop, call the cops.

 

When you move, will you be able to hide where you went (no published phone nuber, etc, not inform her of where you went), or will you be in the same town? You need to end this. Seriously.

 

Stand up for yourself. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to do, but after I did it that first time (and shook in my shoes afterwards!), I felt so empowered. I felt fantastic. And it was easier to do it again. It does get easier.

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The spray bottle was a joke. But if I ever did that and she called the police "hi. Every time I go near my friend's door, she sprays water at me." Police: "um... Stop going near her door. Have a good day. Stay dry."

 

The spray bottle sounds like it would be extremely cathartic, eh?

 

I know you said you wouldn't do it, but for anyone who might just try it, don't. In my state this summer, a lady was charged with "assault with an unknown substance" after spraying someone in the face with water. The person who was sprayed had no idea what was in there and filed assault charges. The lady with the sprayer was arrested and is awaiting her court date.

 

While there are a few people I would love to spray (people who don't pick up their dogs' messes from my yard!!) I won't. I will just have to imagine it in my head. :lol:

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I can see trying to be polite generally, but I am not understanding the lack of reaction to someone being in your bathroom.  Or to your dd being stuck there in a towel.  My instincts would be to protect.  WHile in the shower you are in a vulnerable position so the instinct should be a fight or flight thing, not a stand there and listen to her prattle on while you soap up. 

Is there a reason that there is so many drama filled people in your life? Do you attract crazy? Because the bulk of your stories are about crazy people in your life. In fact many times they are crazy people that you asked about setting boundaries with months or even a year+ ago, and if you had followed the advice you requested back then those crazy people wouldn't be trying to join you in the shower. 

It seems there is always a crazy neighbor, friend, park lady, magical fairy, whatever.

If she is walking into your home uninvited, is taking your things and you are becoming a prisoner of your own home, report it to the police or grow a pair of  mama balls and tell her to get out.  You need to teach your kids how to set boundaries, and protect your family/home.  You don't have to be nasty to do that, but yes rudeness is called for at times.  YOu are allowing this woman to make your kids feel unsafe in their own home, and learn to be doormats to this nonsense.  If you are too worried about being polite for your own sake, then think about how this affects them.  I would think their feelings matter more than this crazy woman's do.

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The spray bottle was a joke. But if I ever did that and she called the police "hi. Every time I go near my friend's door, she sprays water at me." Police: "um... Stop going near her door. Have a good day. Stay dry."

it may have been a joke to you - and something you wouldn't do anything more than think about - but other people would take it seriously.  it DOES qualify as assault.

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I'm going to tell her no more weekdays. For the weekends (after 1pm and before 4pm) I could try some new policies- BYOC&C (bring your own cigarettes and coffee), and bring a newspaper to pay for my time. Rides are $50 for the pickup and $20 per mile (yeah, the taxi is much cheaper, I will not feel bad if you call them).

 

 

 

This may sound harsh, but I think that only cold-turkey will work with this person.  If you leave an opening, she will manipulate that further than you want to go (you have already admitted you have trouble enforcing the boundaries.)

 

Gavin DeBecker said "the only way to stop contact with someone is to stop contact with them."

 

I don't think other posters are exaggerating that this is NOT NORMAL behavior and could escalate into something even worse than what it already is.

 

Use some of the words already recommended and end it altogether.  Be prepared that she will get ugly with you.  Do not give her any response.

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, but yes rudeness is called for at times.  YOu are allowing this woman to make your kids feel unsafe in their own home, and learn to be doormats to this nonsense.  If you are too worried about being polite for your own sake, then think about how this affects them.  I would think their feelings matter more than this crazy woman's do.

telling a neighbor in your home/on your property, for *any reason* "you need to leave now".  is not rude.  screaming "get out" when she walks into your bathroom while you're in the shower is not rude.  telling her to bring back the scooter is not rude.  calling the police because she's stalking you is not rude.  getting a restraining order to keep her a specific distance away from you is not rude.

 

let your children see your example of being strong and telling this woman she can't ever come in your house without your permission and she has to leave when you tell her. (and you do NOT have to give it, ever.)  it will do wonders for your children's sense of self-worth and what they do or do not have to tolerate.   It will also do wonders for yourself.   this woman does NOT have to be tolerated.

 

 

eta: I agree only cold-turkey and total severance (you want this to stop and it won't with anything less), repeat ad infinitum will work with this type of person.  tell her to leave every time she comes over,   keep a record of all contacts, and prepare to contact the police for stalking.

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The spray bottle sounds like it would be extremely cathartic, eh?

 

I know you said you wouldn't do it, but for anyone who might just try it, don't. In my state this summer, a lady was charged with "assault with an unknown substance" after spraying someone in the face with water. The person who was sprayed had no idea what was in there and filed assault charges. The lady with the sprayer was arrested and is awaiting her court date.

 

While there are a few people I would love to spray (people who don't pick up their dogs' messes from my yard!!) I won't. I will just have to imagine it in my head. :lol:

you can set up motion activated sprinklers . . . . if they're aimed at your yard, and are automatic, the dogs or people have no legal recourse.

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I'm going to tell her no more weekdays. For the weekends (after 1pm and before 4pm) I could try some new policies- BYOC&C (bring your own cigarettes and coffee), and bring a newspaper to pay for my time. Rides are $50 for the pickup and $20 per mile (yeah, the taxi is much cheaper, I will not feel bad if you call them).

 

I should make a sign.

 

Don't make a sign. She'll just ignore it. Tell her no. Tell her she needs to leave right now. If she barges in, put an arm up blocking her access to the house and hustle her out the door. Don't touch her because it might make her hostile. Don't apologize. Saying sorry indicates you feel bad. Like a PP said, don't feel bad, feel angry. She's stealing from you. She's trespassing. You don't want her taking your things or on your property so she's breaking the law. Have your phone in hand and get ready to call the cops.

 

If you want her to stop, you need to cut her out of your life completely. She obviously has no respect for social boundaries. Telling her to keep her crazy between the hours of 2-4 on a Saturday isn't going to work.

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She sounds mentally ill.  Echoing everyone else who said to cut her off.  Expect her to push back and get angry.  That's okay. She's not your friend.  She's a user.  Probably in more ways than one.  Cut her off cold turkey.  It's hard, but it's the only way this will stop.

 

Pick up the cookies someone above mentioned.  Next time she comes over, go that route and tell her to go bring back all the stuff (scooter, etc) and you'll have cookies waiting for the kids.  

 

After that, just say, "No."  Get that chain lock for your door.  Make those curtains.  And keep telling her, "No."  Tell her she's being rude, disruptive, disrespectful.  The PPs above had good suggestions.  Use them.

 

 

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I'm going to tell her no more weekdays. For the weekends (after 1pm and before 4pm) I could try some new policies- BYOC&C (bring your own cigarettes and coffee), and bring a newspaper to pay for my time. Rides are $50 for the pickup and $20 per mile (yeah, the taxi is much cheaper, I will not feel bad if you call them).

 

I should make a sign.

 

Is it a good time to knock?

 

Is it before 1pm or after 4pm?

Do you "need" something?

Do you have gossip to share?

Do you want me to feed or babysit your kids?

Are you here to share your religion?

Are you here to sell me something?

 

If you answered yes to any of the above. GO AWAY!

 

And, so, why can't you just tell her "no"???

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The reason this is going on so long is because you are a compassionate person. Despite what you know is true you want to have a normal adult relationship with her. She seems pleasant enough and it may not be her fault that she just doesn't get how things work with normal people.

 

Unfortunately this kind of person has been trained (formally or informally) in how to get what they want, and that does not include boundaries. You can't teach her boundaries because there is no concept in her mind for that. "Nice" people are there when she "needs" them. That's what friends do. That's her interpretation of a manipulated relationship and she can't see it. 

 

Definitely put at least a hook and eye on the screen door. Keep that locked at all times. When she says she just wants to talk say you're very busy and leave the room. Let the kids know not to open the door. Think of this as a training session (you and her). You have to stay consistent. Usually a month is all it takes. If you live close together it will come up sporadically. Keep the same line. 

 

If you're not what she needs and that's obvious, she will stop coming. Words are not obvious. 

 

I used to draw these people, mostly the ones who were formally trained in this art. It was hard for me to let go because from knowing their families I knew that they never would have survived the negligence without this as a survival skill. But it doesn't make it any easier and you can't heal them and teach them better by befriending them. The non-sociopathic ones are so hurt that they see refusal as you being a B*, not them being unreasonable. They can't see outside of their own needs anymore. There's so much pain and fear there. It doesn't make for a friendship. They will hold you hostage. 

 

Anyway, I wish you strength. 

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I'm joking about the sign! :)

 

I'm going to work on my "no." (After I get the movies back, TODAY!)

 

Swell- I truly never knew this level of crazy actually existed until I moved here. Most people here are related (I'm not kidding) and the average IQ can't be above 80. This town has just under 5,000 people and being "in town" where all the mental/cognitive supports are, means I see it all. CPS has currently or in the past had open cases with every single "park people" story I've shared. Pepsi baby is no longer in the custody of his mother and hasn't been since before his first birthday. If you spent a month here, you'd be able to pick out the born and raised here vs moved here later.

 

As much as I thought I wanted small town, I've realized that it's just not a normal place (maybe there really is something in the water). When we move, it will not be local at all. Hopefully it will even be out of the state.

 

I'm happy to report that my fairly new neighbors (guy's house I was going to rent, he sued, eventually lost, sold the house, new people bought it) are normal!!! We say hi, my kids sometimes play with her kids, that's it. No crazy noises coming out of the house. It's wonderful.

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Don't make a sign. She'll just ignore it. Tell her no. Tell her she needs to leave right now. If she barges in, put an arm up blocking her access to the house and hustle her out the door. Don't touch her because it might make her hostile. Don't apologize. Saying sorry indicates you feel bad. Like a PP said, don't feel bad, feel angry. She's stealing from you. She's trespassing. You don't want her taking your things or on your property so she's breaking the law. Have your phone in hand and get ready to call the cops.

 

If you want her to stop, you need to cut her out of your life completely. She obviously has no respect for social boundaries. Telling her to keep her crazy between the hours of 2-4 on a Saturday isn't going to work.

 

Right.  No signs!  No communication other than verbal, telling her no.  You have to stop completely, cold turkey as someone else said.  The sign idea is simply an accommodation to her and an indication that you are too weak to speak directly to her. 

 

And please lock your door when you are in the shower or otherwise not able to respond to a situation. Even without crazy neighbors, it doesn't make sense to do that.   Not only because of this woman but you are just in a very vulnerable position for any intruder.  I don't live in fear of break-ins, but keeping the door locked while I'm showering just makes sense. 

 

I'm really sorry.  I think I do remember the previous posts about this woman.  You do need to cut her and her kids off completely.  

 

 

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I'm going to tell her no more weekdays. For the weekends (after 1pm and before 4pm) I could try some new policies- BYOC&C (bring your own cigarettes and coffee), and bring a newspaper to pay for my time. Rides are $50 for the pickup and $20 per mile (yeah, the taxi is much cheaper, I will not feel bad if you call them).

 

 

I am sorry, but having her over on weekends will not send the message to her that she needs to respect boundaries.  I would simply make her and her family NOT WELCOME ... EVER.  She will worm her way back in.  Yet your stuff back and set the boundary.  No means no.  No. Please leave.  If you stay, I will call the police.  Get locks and use them ... consistently.  Given whatyou have described, there is no way I would allow this person or her family into my life. 

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And, so, why can't you just tell her "no"???

This. Exactly.

 

Honestly, you are your own worst enemy here, and I hate to say this (because you know I like you,) but if you keep looking for excuses to not simply tell this woman to take a hike, you're going to deserve to be treated the way she's treating you, because you haven't told her that it's unacceptable.

 

There is no compromise here. This isn't the first time this woman has shown herself to be a wackadoodle. You have said that she is not your friend and that you don't want her for a friend. Why would you even think about trying to find ways to appease her? It doesn't make sense.

 

You're not being nice. You're being gullible and you're being a doormat. These are not good things to be.

 

Do you seriously think she will respect the boundaries you want to set for her? Do you really think she will pay you if you give her a ride somewhere? She won't. Period. She just won't. (And I'm sure you were joking about that anyway!)

 

I know I sound really harsh, but I think you need to hear it. Save all of your kindness and generosity for people who deserve it; don't waste it on that idiot woman!

 

In the time it took to figure out your schedule and rules for her, you could have already spoken with her and told her the relationship was over.

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There is no compromise here. This isn't the first time this woman has shown herself to be a wackadoodle. You have said that she is not your friend and that you don't want her for a friend. Why would you even think about trying to find ways to appease her? It doesn't make sense.

 

I totally agree.  

 

You only compromise in relationships when you actually WANT to maintain the relationship with the other person. When you've already decided that you don't want a relationship with someone (and it sounds like you're at that point), then you cut things off and establish clear boundaries to ensure it stays that way.

 

It might help to get very, very clear about your goal in this situation.  If your goal is to stop this abuse (and yes, this person is abusing you, your kindness, your property, etc.), then you need to take decisive action to cut off this relationship.  She needs to understand in no uncertain terms that she is no longer welcome and that you do not want any further contact.  And then you do whatever is in your power to keep it that way.  Zero tolerance and zero compromise. 

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