Polite but firm?

[mirth]

You've already gotten some great advice.

 

... but it always starts slowly and before you know it, some crazy woman is in the bathroom while you're showering!

The above sentence is not something I could relate to even if the time period for "slowly" were a million years.

[ondreeuh]

I completely agree with cutting off contact, but I would not antagonize her while I was doing it. Threatening to call the police - when the day before she was pretty much welcome? No, that's just going to lead to a huge confrontation. Spraying her with water? Pushing her out the door? She's just going to get angry - and may retaliate.

 

Someone upthread said that when you stop giving her what she wants, she will leave. So I would just stop giving her what she wants.

 

No, I can't hang out.

No, I don't have cigarettes to share. I'm quitting! ;)

No, I don't have time for coffee.

No, I won't talk about people behind their backs. I'm trying to be a good example for my kids.

No, I've decided to stop lending out movies and things.

No, I've stopped allowing unplanned visitors.

No, we're busy.

No, I'm not giving people rides anymore.

 

When she gets turned away for everything she wants, she will look for someone else. And she will be their problem. ;)

 

I totally understand about the small inbred town issue. A spent a year in a village of 60ish people, all of them aunts/uncles/cousins. The people with any ambition or ability to function moved away, leaving the rest of them in their dysfunction. It's great to live in a healthier town again!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Today I got 6 of 7 movies borrowed and she started asking about me doing a bunch of things, so I just told her that I had to go get school done with the kids and walked inside and closed the door.

 

About an hour later, ds comes running in and said she was coming down the block, so I told the kids to get their bathing suits and we spent the rest of the day swimming at the state park.

[readinmom]

You have to move.  There is no way to reason with someone like this.  When you do move, take things out a little bit at a time so not to be obvious. 

 

In the meantime, reinforce locks, cover all your windows with some type of blackout material.  It's a bad situation for your kids but you may have to start schooling at the library or another place like that, play at a park in another town. 

[Katy]

Why not just say, "I am so angry with you.  You barge into my house when we tell you it is a bad time.  You barge into my bathroom which is a clear violation.  And now you are stealing stuff.  We are no longer friends.  You are not welcome here.  Go away and don't come back. Ever."

 

And to anything else, "Just go away."

 

Repeat 5 times, close the door, call the police.

[Pretty in Pink]

You have got to tell her to bug off. Period. Full stop. "I don't want to see you again. Do not come to my home. You are not welcome here." Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

 

That's it. No signs telling her to take a cab, no curtains to block her from looking in your door, no adjusting your glass to partially cover your screen, no telling her you're in a hurry and don't have time. Why are you putting up with this?? It boggles the mind. You have got to be blunt with her. She won't like it. So be it.

[Pretty in Pink]

Today I got 6 of 7 movies borrowed and she started asking about me doing a bunch of things, so I just told her that I had to go get school done with the kids and walked inside and closed the door.

 

About an hour later, ds comes running in and said she was coming down the block, so I told the kids to get their bathing suits and we spent the rest of the day swimming at the state park.

 

Do you see that she is controlling your life? Is it really this bad??

[Catwoman]

Do you see that she is controlling your life? Is it really this bad??

:iagree:

 

You're hiding out in your own home. You're skulking around your own neighborhood.

 

I understand you're not comfortable with confrontation, but you really don't have a choice here, unless you're OK with being a prisoner in your own home.

 

Also, think about what kind of example you're setting for your children. Do you want them to grow up to be strong, assertive people who don't get pushed around and walked over? Or do you want them to have to run off to the beach or quickly rush to close the curtains and lock the doors because a neighbor is heading their way? Don't you want to show them by example how to handle uncomfortable situations like this? Don't you want them to realize that they don't need to tolerate the kind of stuff you've been putting up with?

 

You are such a sweet person, but you really can stand up to that woman and end the relationship.

[Scarlett]

Waiting for an update.  :)

 

[Pretty in Pink]

Also, think about what kind of example you're setting for your children. Do you want them to grow up to be strong, assertive people who don't get pushed around and walked over? Or do you want them to have to run off to the beach or quickly rush to close the curtains and lock the doors because a neighbor is heading their way? Don't you want to show them by example how to handle uncomfortable situations like this? Don't you want them to realize that they don't need to tolerate the kind of stuff you've been putting up with?

 

You are such a sweet person, but you really can stand up to that woman and end the relationship.

 

This is a VERY good point.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

So far she's not come by today.

 

Door is open but storm door is locked.

 

Her son should be getting off the bus soon, so I'm expecting her after that.

 

Her younger son starts school tomorrow and I know she'll be up here. Ds has a dr appt and then we'll go to the library or anywhere else.

 

I'm not going to allow the prisoner crap to continue, but I'm using going out or staying locked in as a tool to help ME get over the initial hump.

 

Last time I got away from her nothing happened. I just said no enough times and she stopped calling. I just need my face-to-face cojones to grow as big as my phones cojones.

 

I'm missing 1 movie. If she has it the next time she comes up, great. If not, I'm not going to worry it. I'm also not going to tell her to keep it.

[Pretty in Pink]

OP, have you considered the fact that you are sending her all the wrong signals?

 

She walks in on your shower. You don't tell her to leave.

 

She bursts in during dinner and hovers over you. You don't tell her to leave.

 

She bursts in while your daughter is wearing a towel. Rather than ask her to leave you bring your child a blanket to cover up with. Doesn't that sound absurd??

 

She climbs into your vehicle without an invitation. You don't ask her to get out.

 

She and her children "borrow" your belongings without asking. You don't say anything. How is she "borrowing" your movies without asking? Is she pocketing them when your back is turned? That makes no sense whatsoever.

 

She obviously has no sense of boundaries and your own sweet, albeit misguided sense of decorum has caused you to remain mum for so long...
 

[Pretty in Pink]

I'm missing 1 movie. If she has it the next time she comes up, great. If not, I'm not going to worry it. I'm also not going to tell her to keep it.

 

Do what you have to do, obviously, and you don't have to answer this question here if you don't want to, but consider this: why cannot you not bring yourself to say to her, "I need my other movie back now."

 

A movie is a small thing in the grand scheme. I get that. The fact that you can't tell her that she needs to return an item that she took from your home without your permission is what I'm getting at.

 

If someone took something from your child how would you react? How would you tell your child to handle the situation?

 

Again, no need to answer here if you don't want to. I'm not trying to pick on you. I know that it can be difficult to stand up for yourself when one is not accustomed to doing so. (((hugs)))

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I've nearly said leave and that's obviously my problem. I have to stop nearly saying things ("nearly headless. How can someone be nearly headless") and say them.

 

Instead of telling her "I'm off to do x, talk to you later" (which, to a normal person does not say follow me!), I have to say "LEAVE!" But I don't.

 

Dd in a towel was the incident to get this post going. I am now locking the door so there's no more walking in. I'm not answering the phone during our school hours, which is good practice anyway. I'm also realizing that she's not so stupid to miss signs, but intentionally bypassing my attempts to be civil.

 

I'm most certainly not moving *because* of her, but it'll be a bonus when we're out of here.

 

I just had a chat with someone who had been in my position for a few years with this woman and who finally told her off. She said "telling her off" is what it took. Most others she's used are now owed a lot of money. I may be out a lot of time, but I never loan money!

 

I even said no when she wanted $.43 for bread for the kids. (So how in the world did I get sucked in at all?!?!) I've also said no to her borrowing a pot/pan, "loaning" her food stamps, letting her drive my truck, driving her home from the fair one night, and a whole bunch of other stuff. At least I know I have some limit here!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Do what you have to do, obviously, and you don't have to answer this question here if you don't want to, but consider this: why cannot you not bring yourself to say to her, "I need my other movie back now."

 

A movie is a small thing in the grand scheme. I get that. The fact that you can't tell her that she needs to return an item that she took from your home without your permission is what I'm getting at.

 

If someone took something from your child how would you react? How would you tell your child to handle the situation?

 

Again, no need to answer here if you don't want to. I'm not trying to pick on you. I know that it can be difficult to stand up for yourself when one is not accustomed to doing so. (((hugs)))

I have a feeling that she's using the movies as an excuse to "get in." Every time she brings back borrowed movies, there is always 1 missing with the response being "I'll just bring it tomorrow."

 

I just don't want to open any more conversations.

 

I *may* text the husband and tell him/her to put it on their porch and next time I'm around I'll grab it, but I can see her saying it'll be stolen and she'll just bring it up "real quick."

 

So I don't know what I'm going to do.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I sent the text for her to return any movies. We'll see what happens.

[Belacqua]

I've nearly said leave and that's obviously my problem. I have to stop nearly saying things ("nearly headless. How can someone be nearly headless") and say them.

 

 

But now you're making progress. Instead of a deathday, you can celebrate Nearly Friendless Neighbor's banning day. Without her, of course.

[Catwoman]

It sounds like you're actively taking steps to get her out of your life, and you have the advantage of knowing what others have had to do in order to get rid of her.

 

It's hard to be assertive with someone who acts nice while she's using you. It's hard to get tough when someone acts like she cares about you and wants to be your friend. And that's how people like that woman keep getting away with their terrible behavior.

 

I hope your plans work out for you. I know it sounds terrible to say this, but if you're not available to her, maybe she will give up on you and find a new victim in the neighborhood.

 

I'm sorry you're stuck in such an uncomfortable situation. It's always extra-difficult to end a relationship with someone who lives right near you, because you know you're going to bump into her every now and then, so it makes sense that you would feel weird about getting nasty and telling her what you really think of her. I hope it doesn't have to come to that, but I have a feeling it might. She sounds very pushy and intrusive!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

She's not been by today. No answer from her husband about the text.

 

I usually close everything up around this time, so unless she comes by in 5 or so minutes, I will not see her today.

[Catwoman]

She's not been by today. No answer from her husband about the text.

 

I usually close everything up around this time, so unless she comes by in 5 or so minutes, I will not see her today.

:party:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

OMG! You are not going to believe this! Lol.

 

I closed the blinds and was calling dd down to take her meds. Dd was procrastinating, so I ran up to grab her.

 

She takes her meds, rinses the cup, I finished wiping the counter, and my hand is literally reaching for the light switch when....

 

There's the knock on the door! Lmao! She had the movie. She also informed me that both boys' schools have my number just in case! Um... Not cool. I'm not going argue this, I'll just not be available and refer them to the husband (boys father!).

 

I no'ed her nicely when she started asking about something. I said I was going to bed and closed the door!

 

Obviously this doesn't change anything on her part, but I hope enough of this and she'll just give up. Lol.

 

(On another note, I am somehow an emergency contact for 7 kids this year! How the hell did that happen?!?! I only have 2 kids and pulled them out of this district!)

[Catwoman]

OMG! You are not going to believe this! Lol.

 

I closed the blinds and was calling dd down to take her meds. Dd was procrastinating, so I ran up to grab her.

 

She takes her meds, rinses the cup, I finished wiping the counter, and my hand is literally reaching for the light switch when....

 

There's the knock on the door! Lmao! She had the movie. She also informed me that both boys' schools have my number just in case! Um... Not cool. I'm not going argue this, I'll just not be available and refer them to the husband (boys father!).

 

I no'ed her nicely when she started asking about something. I said I was going to bed and closed the door!

 

Obviously this doesn't change anything on her part, but I hope enough of this and she'll just give up. Lol.

 

(On another note, I am somehow an emergency contact for 7 kids this year! How the hell did that happen?!?! I only have 2 kids and pulled them out of this district!)

:hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

 

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! :thumbup:

 

First thing tomorrow morning, call the school and ask that your name and number be removed from the emergency contact list for those kids. Don't wait until there is an actual emergency and they call you. That's not fair to the school and besides, you'll feel like a rat if you get a call and don't act on it.

 

You don't even have to tell the woman you called. If the school needs another name, they will let her know.

[MedicMom]

I live in a small town. We aren't inbred but there are a few crazies. They are attracted to me. Like flies.

 

I am really good with boundaries. "Go away," works quite well.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

First thing tomorrow morning, call the school and ask that your name and number be removed from the emergency contact list for those kids. Don't wait until there is an actual emergency and they call you. That's not fair to the school and besides, you'll feel like a rat if you get a call and don't act on it.

 

You don't even have to tell the woman you called. If the school needs another name, they will let her know.

I can get off three kids lists, but the other 4, I'm not even sure of their proper first names and clueless about last!

 

I will ask the nurse to put a sticky on her desk with my name and if it ever comes up, I shouldn't be on that kid's contact.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I called the school. Surprise! Her son doesn't even HAVE an emergency card yet! She doesn't currently have a working phone (husband's is shut off today).

 

I left my name with the nurses at both schools. I'm waiting for a call back from the youngest's school and will be taken off.

 

So far no visits today, but I was out most of the morning for appts (including an ENT appt that put me on my rear for a couple hours!).

[Annie Mae]

She sounds a little unhinged! I mean, walking in on your shower is just not normal!

 

From what you describe I'm not sure she'll get the message. 

 

I would probably consider moving house if I were you. 

[Trish]

Congrats on a successful day. We'll be waiting for more such progress tomorrow!

 

:hurray:

[WishboneDawn]

I just wanted to add a more general reply to this.

 

This women and people like her know exactly what they are doing. They are not clueless or bad with social cures. They are strategically crossing boundaries to test others to see how far they can go and how much they can use them. Accommodating them is not "being nice". It's telling them you're willing to be walked on and its communicating to others who live with you (children!!!) that this is normal and that they have no expectation of privacy or safety. It also sets them up quite nicely for the controller.

 

So you don't hide. You never pass up the chance to rudely and forcefully reject them. If they push your daughter aside to get in you tell at them to get out. If they walk into your shower you yell at them to get out. If you can't speak at that moment you do it the next chance you get. You do not make your house a fortress. If the kids are pushing on the screen door you order them to get away.

 

Anything and everything this person says and does is calculated to pull her into your life so you don't ever miss an opportunity to make it clear you want nothing to do with her anymore. You stay home when you think she might drop by so that you can tell her to leave. If she says she put your name on something as an emergency contact you tell her, "No, remove from that list right now." No please or thank you.

 

Anything less then absolute rejection at every turn and she'll be right back at you again because she knows she can manipulate you.

 

Your kids need to see you do this.

[WishboneDawn]

She sounds a little unhinged! I mean, walking in on your shower is just not normal!

 

From what you describe I'm not sure she'll get the message.

 

I would probably consider moving house if I were you.

I don't think she's unhinged. I think she's quite well balanced and knows exactly what she's doing. With more charm and a higher IQ she'd probably fit in well on Wall Street.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

She supposedly used to work on Wall Street! She doesn't have any teeth now, so no more fitting in.

[Halcyon]

You know, I totally empathize with the op. Everyone's suggesting that it's easy to just put your foot down and say "stop coming over" but I, for one, have a really hard time doing that with people. I hate confrontation.

 

I would say "Our family really values our privacy and it's really, really important to us that you give us a heads up with a phone call before coming over. And it would be great if you could not just come in if we don't answer the door--like I said, we really value our privacy and I hope you can understand that."

 

Too soft?

[Halcyon]

 

It's hard to be assertive with someone who acts nice while she's using you. It's hard to get tough when someone acts like she cares about you and wants to be your friend. And that's how people like that woman keep getting away with their terrible behavior.

 

 

ITA with this. My ex-partner played the "being nice" card with me and it was very hard for me to recognize it for what it was and put my foot down. Sometimes you just need to put on your big girl panties and do whats right for you AND your family. It's not right or safe or comfortable to have people walking into your house without being invited. 

[curlgirl]

You know, I totally empathize with the op. Everyone's suggesting that it's easy to just put your foot down and say "stop coming over" but I, for one, have a really hard time doing that with people. I hate confrontation.

 

I would say "Our family really values our privacy and it's really, really important to us that you give us a heads up with a phone call before coming over. And it would be great if you could not just come in if we don't answer the door--like I said, we really value our privacy and I hope you can understand that."

 

Too soft?

 

I empathize with her too.  I hate confrontation!!!

[swellmomma]

You know, I totally empathize with the op. Everyone's suggesting that it's easy to just put your foot down and say "stop coming over" but I, for one, have a really hard time doing that with people. I hate confrontation.

 

I would say "Our family really values our privacy and it's really, really important to us that you give us a heads up with a phone call before coming over. And it would be great if you could not just come in if we don't answer the door--like I said, we really value our privacy and I hope you can understand that."

 

Too soft?

In this situation yes that is too soft.  I don't know many people who enjoy confrontation.  I sure as heck don't, BUT when someone is infringing on the sanctity of my home, or making my children feel uncomfortable, or stealing from me, you can bet I will confront them.  It is just that easy and that hard.  You heart will be racing and feel like it is in your throat, you will have your knees knocking and the adrenaline coursing through your veins, and the minute it is over you will collapse into your sofa in a heap and hope to never need to again BUT you will be better for it.  It gets through to the person, you feel pride in defending your own turf, and your kids see a powerful, bold woman who protects her own.  They won't know you are shaking on the inside, they will see you take charge.

 

I have told this story before about ds10's car accident and his reaction afterwards.  While laying on the stretcher in the back of the ambulance being worked on I tore up oneside and down the other of the driver that hit them, after seeing him watching the whole scene with a smirk on his face.  When I climbed into the ambulance to check on my son, he says "mom, you yell at him?"  to which I answered "you bet I did" and he replied "Then we will be okay".  He still talks about that.  My kids call me momma wolf (as in momma wolf from the movie alpha omega).  I hate confrontation, the adrenaline surge actually makes me very physically ill due to the issues with my adrenal glands, BUT my kids know without a shadow of a doubt that no one will infringe on our home, on their safety, on their peace without having to deal with me first.  I think it is important for kids to know and to see that.  My kids always knew I loved them, but dd14 recently said he friends told her they like coming here and being her friend because I will do the same for them as for my own.  They have parents that don't like confrontation and so they let a lot happen and blow it off.  Not even necessarily huge things like the OP is talking about, but those kids have told dd they like our house more than their own because there is a parent here who not only loves but will defend.  I think that speaks volumes.  Kids want to know they are safe.  If someone can just walk in and harass the family and steal their stuff the kids do not feel safe.  And that is a travesty imo, a child(an adult too of course) must feel safe in their own home.  That home should be their safe haven away from the crazies, and the chaos, and the gossip and the attitudes and anything out in the bog ol' world.  Their home should be the place they know without a doubt they can relax and not be on guard all the time because they know they can trust that "mom's got this" 

 

In the case of the OP, Mom ain't got this.  OP you are doing much better and I am glad to hear it.  Just keep in mind you can be a caring compassionate person and still be the one that's "got this".  Along with my kids knowing that I will always protect them, they talk still of the day we saw a homeless man with a cardboard sign of will work for food, and I went and bought him a hot chocolate.  I had no work for him, but it was a chilly night and he needed to warm up a bit.  They talk about how we helped this person and that person that needed it etc.  You can be compassionate, you can help others without being a door mat. 

[amo_mea_filiis.]

It's the kids, I swear! :(

 

The few times her husband has tried to ask for something, knock on the door, whatever, he gets turned down real quick. I know the husband isn't doing jack for his kids, so I have no compassion for him. (She called me hysterical one day from a dr's office out of town. Her husband had kicked HIS three year old son out of the apartment because "he was being annoying." A neighbor, who doesn't like kids, called her to complain that the three year old was making too much noise banging on the door. Her call to me was to ask if I'd take him until she got home. I get there and this poor kid is sitting on the porch in his diaper {weather was fine} playing with a rocking chair. Yes, CPS is frequently involved.)

 

Another neighbor dude tried coming over at all hours and I told him off easily.

 

Some woman was bullying ds at the park and I stepped up and put her in her place, and she's never said another nasty word to ds since.

 

I'm not a complete waste in this department, it's just that some situations get me, like with this woman and her boys.

[marbel]

You know, I totally empathize with the op. Everyone's suggesting that it's easy to just put your foot down and say "stop coming over" but I, for one, have a really hard time doing that with people. I hate confrontation.

 

I would say "Our family really values our privacy and it's really, really important to us that you give us a heads up with a phone call before coming over. And it would be great if you could not just come in if we don't answer the door--like I said, we really value our privacy and I hope you can understand that."

 

Too soft?

 

Too soft on the bolded anyway, to me.

 

Maybe it's because I've always lived in big city areas, but I rarely leave doors unlocked, and certainly not when I'm in the shower or otherwise not able to see who might be coming to the door.  I just don't get leaving the house wide open for anyone to walk in.

 

Every now and then there are house robberies in our neighborhood.  One incident occurred when a laptop was stolen from where it had been set right inside the unlocked front door.  The homeowner was in the shower and someone walked by, tried the door, it opened and there was a computer ready for the taking

 

Even a screen door can be locked.  Just lock the door!   That's not hiding out or accommodating anyone. 

[WishboneDawn]

You know, I totally empathize with the op. Everyone's suggesting that it's easy to just put your foot down and say "stop coming over" but I, for one, have a really hard time doing that with people. I hate confrontation.

 

I would say "Our family really values our privacy and it's really, really important to us that you give us a heads up with a phone call before coming over. And it would be great if you could not just come in if we don't answer the door--like I said, we really value our privacy and I hope you can understand that."

 

Too soft?

Yes.

 

I get it too. I hate confrontation as well. But this women is not a misguided soul who responds well to polite requests. She is looking for someone to control and manipulate and use. She really doesn't care what the OP thinks. She'd probably get a chuckle out of that request, lay back for a little bit and then be right back in the game.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

About the little one's school; the woman at the school just kept repeating that their policy is each child have 2 contacts + parents. She made it sound like I'm out of luck if put on the card. As far as I know, my last name is unknown, so hopefully I'll not be on the card.

 

I'll call again in a few days and make sure I'm not on it. If I am, their policy is not my problem, right?!

[Catwoman]

About the little one's school; the woman at the school just kept repeating that their policy is each child have 2 contacts + parents. She made it sound like I'm out of luck if put on the card. As far as I know, my last name is unknown, so hopefully I'll not be on the card.

 

I'll call again in a few days and make sure I'm not on it. If I am, their policy is not my problem, right?!

If their policy says that you can't opt out of the emergency contact list for someone else's child (and I sincerely doubt that it does,) you should contact the school principal and complain!

 

That said, I'm glad you followed up on it, and that you're staying strong in not dealing with that woman.

 

And I know this sounds awful, but her children are not your responsibility. Don't let her use your pity for them as a way to maintain a relationship with you.

[QueenCat]

About the little one's school; the woman at the school just kept repeating that their policy is each child have 2 contacts + parents. She made it sound like I'm out of luck if put on the card. As far as I know, my last name is unknown, so hopefully I'll not be on the card.

 

I'll call again in a few days and make sure I'm not on it. If I am, their policy is not my problem, right?!

 

They can call you but they can't make you come pick up somebody else's child!

 

[marbel]

About the little one's school; the woman at the school just kept repeating that their policy is each child have 2 contacts + parents. She made it sound like I'm out of luck if put on the card. As far as I know, my last name is unknown, so hopefully I'll not be on the card.

 

I'll call again in a few days and make sure I'm not on it. If I am, their policy is not my problem, right?!

 

Tell them that you never authorized the parents to put your name as a contact and that you won't be able to respond if you are ever called.

 

ETA:  By the way, you wouldn't be out of luck if your name is on the card.  It is not up to you to ensure there are two names.  If the school requires two names, and one person removes their name, the parents have to provide another one. 

 

You are taking on too much responsibility for these people! 

[Tiberia]

Spam post reported.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Home and cell rang (she got a prepaid turned on), and I ignored them. Text came to call ASAP. I texted about 30 minutes later saying I was busy with school work and what did she need.

 

She texted back to call as soon as I could, that she didn't need a ride or anything, and asking for name again.

 

Another 45 minutes or so later I said I didn't want to be on any school contact lists this year.

 

I said nothing about being able to call back.

 

I LOVE her having a phone, but I hope it lasts.

[WishboneDawn]

Just a note. Don't go further then, "I`m busy." Don't ask her what she needs. Don't give her any opening at all.

[Catwoman]

Just a note. Don't go further then, "I`m busy." Don't ask her what she needs. Don't give her any opening at all.

That's an excellent point. By asking her what she needs, you're making it sound as though you'll help her if you can, which might not discourage her from asking again.

[marbel]

Just a note. Don't go further then, "I`m busy." Don't ask her what she needs. Don't give her any opening at all.

 

Yep.  Don't ask any questions.  Questions invite further conversation.

 

OP, I think you'll get there!   You are getting stronger, aren't you?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I was hoping that by forcing the conversation to stay on text, she wouldn't come up to ask this "very important question." Since she hasn't responded again, I assume at least part of it was the contact list.

[WishboneDawn]

I was hoping that by forcing the conversation to stay on text, she wouldn't come up to ask this "very important question." Since she hasn't responded again, I assume at least part of it was the contact list.

Your goal is NO conversation, not conversation limited to texts. Anything other then no contact will be seen as an opening to her.

 

You have got to stop thinking of this as you whittling down the relationship to nothing. Rather you need to decide that it's over, period. In your first post you used words like "somehow" as in somehow she came back out got this or that message. It wasn't "somehow", it was you letting her do those things. It was you deciding not to cut her off cold turkey.

 

You can't be passive or hopeful with her. You have got to decide it's already over and all you have to do is offer up one or two word responses that consist mostly of no and bye.

 

It's already over. She's already out of your life. There's nothing you need to communicate with her. At all.

[WishboneDawn]

double post.

[Catwoman]

I was hoping that by forcing the conversation to stay on text, she wouldn't come up to ask this "very important question." Since she hasn't responded again, I assume at least part of it was the contact list.

 

First of all, let me say that I think you are doing a great job so far! :thumbup:

 

I think all we are saying is that you have to be super-careful not to give the woman any kind of opening, because she is a Trained Professional Manipulator and she will seize even the tiniest opportunity.

 

You're already on the right track and have taken huge steps, so all you have to do is keep being consistent -- and keep your doors locked! :)