I need patience.....NOW

[Remudamom]

I'm spending the afternoon at the nursing home with my mil because she called me and wanted company. She was fine at first but now she's started in with this thing she does and she's driving me nuts. She finally said "What is it about me that you don't like?"

 

I just want to walk out but I told her I would stay a while. I feel like a bad person because I just don't have much patience with her.

 

She wonders why her kids don't visit much.

[Seasider]

So she basically called you to come over just so she could pick a fight with you?

 

I would have to just cut that visit short. But if you engage, simply turn the question around in her: "I dunno. What about you is there that's not to like?"

[Twigs]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug: careful what you wish for. You want patience - so God gave you something that requires patience. ;) is she sincere in her query? or is it an invitation for a woe-is-me-my-family-doesn't-like-me pity party? I hated when my mother would try to "help" me at home. I realized it was because I couldn't stand the way she folded clothes :cursing: , and I always had to refold them. Then I was able to work out the biggest issue was she didn't even turn clothes *right-side-out*!!!! :confused1: :svengo: runs-screaming-from-room . . .. I asked her to please turn clothes right side out, and my nerves were significantly calmer while she had the delusion of helping me out.

[Remudamom]

I'm not sure what is going on with her. She's horribly fearful of being left alone, this is how the whole mess began. Her caretaker took the trash out to the curb, she panicked and tried to get up to see where she'd gone and fell. Broken hip, nursing home.

 

She literally can't stand to be alone for five minutes.

 

Today even with me there she started trying to call people and see when they were coming over, blah blah. I pointed out to her that she already had company and that I would stay all afternoon. (She had company when I arrived, they gratefully fled when they could.)

 

When she "starts up" she'll call everyone on her phone, beg the nurses to move her to her room, to the dining room, to the common room non stop. If they don't help immediately she tries to get up. They've had to tie her in her wheel chair and put alarms on her.

 

One of her sons won't even visit her and dh is getting to that point. When we try to leave she cries and begs us to stay and tries to get up.

Dh says her behavior and calls are just manipulative. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she'll say "Oh, I don't know what I'm saying".

If we say something of interest to her she the vagueness is gone and she'll join in, but when she wants something it's "I'm confused."

 

I dunno. I had to leave much earlier than planned because I just got fed up with her antics. I told her if she didn't quit fighting I was going to leave and she just said she couldn't, so I left. Ugh.

 

She's never liked me anyhow. I wish she'd quit calling me.

[justamouse]

Did you see Moonstruck? when Cher slaps Nicholas Cage and says, "Snap out of it!"

 

I can be brutally honest so I'd just ask her, "What exactly are you afraid of when people leave you, because the way you are acting is keeping everyone away."

[gardenmom5]

has she been evaluated by a psychiatrist? has she ever been treated for her seeming profound anxiety? there are chemical deficiencies that can trigger that degree of paranoia. she could be much happier.

[Harriet Vane]

Honestly, this sounds like paranoia. It often goes hand in hand with dementia, but not always. What you are describing sounds less manipulative and more like an anxiety disorder. I would strongly suggest having her evaluated. Even if she has always been this way to some degree, the onset of dementia issues can trigger what used to be a quirk into something full-blown. She may need medication for this.

 

:grouphug:

[Ottakee]

I know it is tough but her behavior does fit in with an elderly person with some anxiety/dementia starting.

 

Has the doctor seen her recently and done blood work? B12 is a huge one that the elderly are often lacking. It might be time for a tiny dose of an anxiety med, etc. if she is really that restless.

 

I worked in nursing/assisted living homes for almost 10 years and saw a lot of this......and I was the cook/kitchen person.

[Remudamom]

I don't know what she's had done because her daughter is in complete charge of everything, anything and all things mil. She gets mad at us if we ask the nurses at the home questions.

 

I think she needs to be on some sort of meds definitely.

[gardenmom5]

you know what - go ahead and ask. if your sil gets made, turn it around on her that no one is trying to take away her control of her mother. you simply asked a question. If she can't handle that - maybe it's time for someone else to be the family medical rep for your mil. (I've been poa for my mom. seriously - your sil is on a power trip.)

[Tammyla]

I agree she sounds like she needs medication for anxiety or something. I'd talk with the staff, even if she didn't like it. Explain how she calls and seems to be in a full blown panic at the thought of being alone. She's exhibiting very strange behavior, considering she is in nursing home with round the clock care.

[Remudamom]

What sil does or does not want is of no concern to me. I call the nurses when I want and have stopped taking sil's calls.

 

No one else will be the rep for mil because mil is more or less under the sil's thumb and wouldn't dare ask someone else.

 

When I was pushing her in wheelchair yesterday she kept calling my name and saying "I thought you'd gone." Seriously?? I was pushing her chair! She wants someone in her line of sight 100% of the time. It's really sad.

[gardenmom5]

When I was pushing her in wheelchair yesterday she kept calling my name and saying "I thought you'd gone." Seriously?? I was pushing her chair! She wants someone in her line of sight 100% of the time. It's really sad.

 

out-of-sight = gone? that's something typical of infants/toddlers - not adults who are mentally "there". I would strongly urge an evaluation for dementia.

if that is the case - that could be why she is so paranoid about being alone in a care facility with 24 hour care. she doesn't "see" anyone if they aren't in her line-of-sight.

[Remudamom]

All I can do is ask the nurses if she has been evaluated. We have no say in mil's care.

[gardenmom5]

by asking you will be making them aware of something they might not have actually noticed. You can ask that her dr be notified that it is a concern. drs and nurses often depend upon family, who have more contact, to notice these things and bring them to their attention.

[Marylou]

Sure sounds like Alzheimer's to me :sad:

[tampamommy]

I know this is all difficult for you, very much so, and I'm sorry for you and your family.

 

Having volunteered in nursing homes for 14 years, I would have to agree with the other posters who are suggesting that something is not right in your mil's mind. She is not well. And likely she cannot help acting the way she does, even if it seems that the vagueness subsides when it is convenient for her. It very well may be that her perception of stress triggers symptoms and when she is more relaxed inwardly, she is more clear-headed.

 

If you do not have any control over her treatment and can not do anything to change that, it might be helpful to try to make a list of activities she might enjoy - crossword or jigsaw puzzles, reading aloud to her, simple crafts, playing music or instruments if you are so inclined, watching films, etc. Maybe it would make her more relaxed and less confrontational with you if she was distracted with a different activity(other than walking/talking). My children and I have done these types of things with the residents at the home where we volunteer, and we have seen the confrontational, clingy-needy, angry, etc. types. Really, the bottom line is that this is what old age can do to some people. It's very sad.

 

Other than that, I think you are wonderful to keep visiting her no matter how she acts. Try not to take anything she says or does personally. She doesn't sound like she is in control of her faculties. You might also want to make your visits frequent but brief - half hour or so. That way you can control your stress level and not let yourself get overwhelmed, and shorter visits might be better for her too. I would keep a smile on your face no matter what she says. Try not to let her roller coaster moods affect you. Maybe try bringing her a little something once in a while too (an additional distraction!) - like a pretty flower or feather or something from nature.

 

If you can keep in mind that she can't help it, that should make things a tiny bit easier. (tiny emphasized). Again, I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Twinmom]

I don't know what she's had done because her daughter is in complete charge of everything, anything and all things mil. She gets mad at us if we ask the nurses at the home questions.

 

I think she needs to be on some sort of meds definitely.

 

Ignore the daughter and ask the questions. I'm POA for a mentally ill BIL in a nursing home and the daughter is simply on a power trip. Sounds like she needs medication to me....request a psych eval. She doesn't need to feel miserable and isolated (and push everyone away in the process!) in her final years when it is possible that there is help available.

 

So sorry!

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Remudamom]

Jennifer- is a psych evaluation something that's not normally done? What does it involve?

 

Tampamommy- thanks. I do bring her flowers and pictures. Sometimes I bring my dog to visit. She seems to like that.

 

I told her Friday that her fits were keeping people from visiting her. Yesterday she called dh and he did go to see her since he was in town. She gave him a sort of half apology for her behavior to him in the past and behaved herself.

 

This is what makes me think that if we don't cater to her unreasonable demands she might stop them. Then I worry that she can't help it. I go back and forth.

[gardenmom5]

psych evals must be requested (*especially* in a nursing home!) - and you need to give some information of what you've seen. I went through this in the last two months of my mothers life. the in-and-out mentally is not unusual at all.

[readinmom]

She calls you because she knows you have compassion. An elderly person's worst fears are being left alone, being forgotten, and dying alone. If she is religious, perhaps a clergy member can set up a visiting rotation.

[Harriet Vane]

Jennifer- is a psych evaluation something that's not normally done? What does it involve?

 

Tampamommy- thanks. I do bring her flowers and pictures. Sometimes I bring my dog to visit. She seems to like that.

 

I told her Friday that her fits were keeping people from visiting her. Yesterday she called dh and he did go to see her since he was in town. She gave him a sort of half apology for her behavior to him in the past and behaved herself.

 

This is what makes me think that if we don't cater to her unreasonable demands she might stop them. Then I worry that she can't help it. I go back and forth.

 

 

There is enough of a question here to make an evaluation appropriate. Not just one, either. She's at the age where it should be done at intervals to see if there is further deterioration.

 

The earlier stages of dementia can be extremely confusing for both the patient and those around them, specifically because sometimes the light is ON, sometimes it is flickering, and sometimes it is OFF.

 

It's a roller coaster. It also takes different forms--forgetfulness is part of the package, but so are obsessive behaviors and paranoia and other things. Dementia does not always look the way most people think it looks. It's also about personality changes and emotional changes, but yet, at the same time, the person within will still be the same in many respects. Right up to the end, when they are withdrawn and virtually comatose, you will still see flickers of the person trapped inside.

[Impish]

:grouphug: