My friend has breast cancer. I need advice.

[Heather in Neverland]

I just got the news. A close friend here has advanced stage breast cancer. They believe it is confined to the breast tissue. She has to have a double mastectomy on Tuesday. Chemo. Radiation. The whole thing.

 

This is the first person close to me to deal with this. What will she need/want the most over these next few weeks, months? The people here are amazing and we can organize dinners, childcare, rides to the doctor, whatever she needs.

 

But I just don't know what to expect. I don't know what will be most helpful without being "too much". I want to try to anticipate her needs. Books? Movies? I feel so helpless.

 

Any advice? My head is spinning and my heart is aching.

[Melissa in Australia]

My neighbour had breast cancer. I took over some meals for her husband while she was in hospital. They are an older couple and her husband had never really cooked. she appreciated this as she was worried about him eating while she was away. After she came home from hospital she didn't need any help. Her daughter stayed with her for a while, She wasn't able/allowed to raise her arms above her head for a while (I cannot remember how long) so things like hanging out the laundry were impossible for a while.

[Penguin]

Ask her. And listen carefully :)

 

As a seven-year BC survivor with many BC-survivor friends, I am still fascinated by how differently each of us approached (and continues to approach) our cancer experience.

 

If you want to read and learn more about BC, my number one go-to site is breastcancer.org

 

In fact, I recommend that you read their Stages of Breast Cancer article - here is the link. BC stages are usually defined by a number (0 through IV). When I hear "advanced stage breast cancer" I usually think of Stage IV cancer. But you said that it is thought to be confined to the breast, and Stage IV is defined as BC that has spread beyond both the breast and the lymph nodes. The terminology can be confusing.

 

Oh, and while it MIGHT be good for you to read and learn about BC, please remember that it might NOT be good for your friend to become the recipient of your new knowledge. The internet can be a very scary place for someone dealing with BC.

 

You know your friend best, and I am sure that she will be grateful for your support!!!! Take your cues from your friend and don't worry too much about getting it "right."

[Jennifer in MI]

I'm walking out the door, but I had to respond. Last year a neighbor and friend was diagnosed with BC. Things that people did:

 

1. Set up meals for her. She set a cooler outside for people to drop the meals off. Most of the time she didn't feel like coming to the door.

2. When she's out at her appointments, friends went over and completely cleaned her house - bathrooms, washed the sheets, did the laundry, etc, etc, etc

3. In the spring, they did her yard so her dh wouldn't have to - weeded, mowed, planted flowers, etc

4. Arranged childcare.

 

Mostly did things when she wasn't home. She really wasn't able to deal with people while she felt so sick.

[delaney]

Ask her. And listen carefully :)

 

As a seven-year BC survivor with many BC-survivor friends, I am still fascinated by how differently each of us approached (and continues to approach) our cancer experience.

 

If you want to read and learn more about BC, my number one go-to site is breastcancer.org

 

In fact, I recommend that you read their Stages of Breast Cancer article - here is the link. BC stages are usually defined by a number (0 through IV). When I hear "advanced stage breast cancer" I usually think of Stage IV cancer. But you said that it is thought to be confined to the breast, and Stage IV is defined as BC that has spread beyond both the breast and the lymph nodes. The terminology can be confusing.

 

Oh, and while it MIGHT be good for you to read and learn about BC, please remember that it might NOT be good for your friend to become the recipient of your new knowledge. The internet can be a very scary place for someone dealing with BC.

 

You know your friend best, and I am sure that she will be grateful for your support!!!! Take your cues from your friend and don't worry too much about getting it "right."

 

This. It really depends on the person. If it were me I would want the chin-up and carry on attitude. Some people might not like that.

[Lizzie in Ma]

A couple beautiful scarves and an instructional handout on how to tie them for her head. My sil lived in hers when she lost her hair.

 

Freezer meals are good.

 

Gift cards to local drug store and local places that deliver take out are wonderful as well.

[Starr]

and to be a friend that can talk about more than cancer. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Beth in OH]

Having just had surgery, I can tell you that meals that can be frozen are very nice. I also appreciated fresh salads--both fruit and vegetable. Standing to prep fresh foods was impossible for me, and people tend to bring things that can be frozen (although very welcome, also.)

 

When my friend was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, she wanted two dear friends to come and pray with/for her weekly. She needed rides to her chemo treatments, because she would take benedryl before and didn't want to drive drowsy. Her family included young adult children, so meals weren't super important to her--the kids stepped in and contributed in this way.

 

This friend was particularly extroverted and it was important for her to receive calls--she loved talking on the phone! (Painful for me. Hahaha!)

 

This journey will be a marathon, not a sprint. She will discover new needs as she walks through it. As others have said, listen to her and respond.

 

Beth

[Unicorn.]

I agree w/ meals, fresh and frozen, rides, shopping for household necessities, etc. One caution. On the cleaning that people have mentioned; while a nice gesture, it can really upset some people. Especially if they aren't asked first. And stick to basic cleaning: cleaning bathrooms, doing dishes, laundry, sweeping and mopping, and light dusting. Do NOT, under any circumstances, move things, throw out what you consider to be junk or trash (except the obvious kitchen and bath cans), rearrange anything, and I mean anything. You don't like that stack of books on the end table, and want to put them on the shelf-too bad. Leave it alone!

 

When my mom was diagnosed and going through surgery, her friends offered to help and clean her house. It did not turn out well. It greatly upset my mom, because things got moved around, and she couldn't find them. I'm also pretty sure a lot of our childhood photos were thrown out by accident. They were in a brown grocery bag along w/ some other stuff on a bottom shelf of a bookcase. At first glance, it could have looked like a bag of junk. So please be careful if you do something like this.

[Unicorn.]

Oh, and if they have pets, helping to care for those during the process-feeding walking, vet visits if necessary, maybe even just playing w/ them.

[Heather in Neverland]

Thank you for such great ideas. Pets! I didn't even think about that!

 

And thank you for those links. I don't think I can read them today. I can barely type this without tears. I just want so badly for her to make it through all this.

 

And on top of it, I suck when it comes to heavy emotional moments. I get all awkward and say all the wrong things. I just know I am going to say something stupid.

 

What I am good at though, is action. I can mobilize people like nobody's business. So meals, cleaning, pets, childcare, doctor appointments and most of all... Prayer.

 

She mentioned that she is worried about insurance covering all of this so my first stop tomorrow is to talk to our human resources director and get some answers for her.

 

 

[Stacia]

Not to hijack, but what are some helpful things to do when you're the friend who is far away (many states away) in a situation like this? (I just found out my younger cousin is facing the same thing.)

 

Heather, :grouphug: for you & your friend.

[mommyto4]

When my friends was diagnosed, I offered to watch her children and provided meals. I also made sure to send a card every time she had a treatment start or surgery. She told me after that receiving those cards really helped her know I was praying and thinking of her.

I am so happy to say that she is cancer free for a year and a half after battling cancer that was very aggressive and had spread to her lymph nodes.

[itsheresomewhere]

Check with her before bring her a meal. What sounded good the day before can be gross the next day. Also, certain chemos have diet restrictions. Do NOT buy her any scarfs before talking with her. My friend refused to wear them and while people thought they were being so nice bringing them, it was insulting to her. To her it was like saying your not pretty now so put this on. She says she came into the world bald so why hide it now. While offering to clean her house is nice don't do it unless she tells you it is ok. Some people see junk and to some it is precious heirlooms. She loved books so we would bring her a bag of books a week. We would bring them from our houses as she hated to have clutter. So every when she was done, the next person would bring a bag from her house. Also, coloring books and crayons are good for adults. They can get bored just sitting around and when you don't want to talk to anyone, it gives you something to do. Most of all, just listen to her.

[mumto2]

Unfortunately I have been in your position twice with close friends in the past few years. They have both had cervical cancer but my mother has had a double mastectomy so I know far too much about cancer. Much depends on your friends reaction.

 

My extroverted wonder of a friend wanted people around and children running through her home until the end. She passed away in November after a three year battle filled with chemo and experimental treatments. It has been devistating for me. Her parents moved in as support and her husband quit his city job (when recovery ceased to be possible) so food, cleaning(other than the mess we created was unwelcome). Our job as friends was to fill her house with laughter and help finish up her garden. Which we will be opening for charity this summer. She did want dvds to watch. Could not concentrate on books.

 

My other friend was also a friend of Hellen's. She was diagnosed one week after Helen's funeral. Her reaction has been very businesslike. We are getting things done. I have had her dd (my dds bf) quite a bit. Not much else has been wanted. You name it, I have offered it. My TV hating friend now watches stacks of dvds so we have been dropping those off. When she feels well and is alone I go over for a chat. I have been in the states for the past few weeks. Her initial treatments are now over. We are now at the point of building her strength back up. Walking at least a half hour each day is supposed to reduce the chance of reoccurance greatly.

 

The one special thing I did for the second friend was make a prayer shawl for her treatment. There are lots of great patterns--I found mine at Debbie Macomber's (the author) website. I cried and prayed over it as I knitted it. Healing for me too. My friend loves it but I knew she would. I did not know they existed when Helen first became ill or I would have made her one. By the time I knew things were so advanced that it simply was not right for that friend.

 

All you can do is be there and offer. The children are the hardest part. I have spent quite a bit of time with bothe friends children and adults say some really dreadful things to these children. Being there for the kids has helped my friends greatly. Also foodwise while I haven't really cooked for my sick friends I have for their husbands and children weekly. Something special just for them tells them you care.

 

Sorry for the huge number of typos. I can't fix without getting kicked out.

 

Helping with the insurance issues is a huge thing to do for your friend. Helping to relieve some of her worries is a huge blessing.

[Laurie4b]

I agree with the pp who said it was going to depend on the individual person. No one can predict what chemo will be like for anyone. Some go through without too many bothersome side effects, some with many.

 

You can set up a care calendar https://www.carecalendar.org/ to help organize things. For people who might be far away, you can include things like "prayer" for each day.

 

Always, always ask for what she wants. Then you recruit. What she wants and what she can eat will vary. Chemo knocks out white blood cells on predictable days. On those days, many docs will say stay away from fresh uncooked fruits and veges because of the possibility of bacterial contamination, etc. Chemo can change taste buds--again, on predictable days. What tastes good can vary from day to day during that phase.

 

Breast cancer is not a death sentence. It's important for you to know that so that you don't "leak" your reaction to her.

 

A good team of physicians is crucial.

 

As a pp said, "advanced" cancer and "confined to the breast tissues' are contradictory. If it's not in the lymph nodes, unless it's huge, it's stage 1. WHat you might have been told is "invasive" cancer. Invasive means it's busted out of the duct, that's all.

 

The type of cancer is important. Triple negative is tougher to treat than the others. They just don't have good drugs to target it. her-2positive used to be really bad; now, it's a good kind to have because there is a targeted biological agent, herceptin.

[Penguin]

 

And on top of it, I suck when it comes to heavy emotional moments. I get all awkward and say all the wrong things. I just know I am going to say something stupid.

 

 

Heather, some of my closest friends said some very stupid things to me after my diagnosis. They are still my closest friends. And I am sure that I have unwittingly put my foot in my mouth during their times of trial, too.

[Lanny]

My wife's best friend passed away last November, from Cancer. It began with BC, which was late in being diagnosed, so her treatment began about one year after it should have begun.

 

Ask your friend if there is something you can do for her that will be of help to her. She will have needs, and what she needs, may be different than what you would think of offering to do for her, as others have pointed out.

 

I have a page on our family web site and I copied this from it;

 

"On February 17, 2010, FoxNews.com carried a story from Reuters, about a study of Nurses in the U.S.A. who took Aspirin several times a week. The reduction in deaths, among Breast Cancer survivors, from Breast Cancer, and of the Cancer spreading, is remarkable. The study was headed by Dr. Michelle Holmes of Harvard Medical School, who led the study published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology.

 

During March 2008, we watched a one hour TV program on the Discovery Home and Health channel, about Breast Cancer. One of the simple things they mentioned is that eating Tomatoes is very beneficial to women who have Breast Cancer. Especially Tomatoes that have been cooked. Also, women with Breast Cancer who participated in a support group, with other patients, had a much better possibility of surviving."

 

The web page is http://computer2.com...ast_Breasts.htm

 

Pray for your friend, and her family, and the doctors and nurses who take care of her.

[Laurie4b]

Offer to go with her to buy a wig. Losing the hair is very traumatic for most women. Having a friend go with you while you have to choose your new hair can be comforting. Also, the cancer wig shops (do they have them where you are?) also carry scarves and different kinds of head-coverings. If she is interested in something, buy that for her.

 

Another thing is to offer to walk with her. Exercise is very helpful for people going through cancer treatment, even if it's 10 min per day. There may be some days when she is just too tired, but the fatigue will paradoxically be less if she gets some exercise. Having a buddy to do it with helps someone who isn't feeling great get over the hump and do it.

 

Encourage her to ask her doctor before taking any vitamins or supplements because they can actually help protect the cancer cells from chemo or radiation. (The cancer cells get the vitamins, too, and because they are so fast growing, their uptake is more) http://foodforbreastcancer.com/ This is a good site and has ideas for eating fairly healthy food while not eating superfoods during certain phases of treatment. But always consult with the physician.

[mumto2]

Just came back to say that during my second friends treatment it has been clearly explained that eating must be a set diet and NO HERBAL supplements without approval. This includes many kinds of tea, I guess. She cannot even use a herbal mouthwash. My friend who died used many supplements. I can't tell you how much this new knowledge has haunted me. I hadn't investigated further because I could not handle more. Just read the above post about vitamins. It all makes sense. I am really sad right now but glad to understand more fully.

 

Also no hair dye for two years. Not everyone losses their hair. My cousin never did although she bought everything ahead of time.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Ask her what is difficult for her to do after the surgery. When my friend had her mastectomy, it was hard for her to take a shower. I got her a hand held shower nozzle that her husband hooked up in their tub, and I got her a shower chair she could sit on in the tub. That made showering a lot easier for her.

 

If you can think of ways to make her life easier, do those things.

[prairiewindmomma]

My BFF just needed to feel normal.

A group of us got together one weeknight, every week, and we made snacks and hung out and talked. We were all very careful with handwashing and staying home if any of us had any exposure to sick people

when she was immunodeficient.

 

Meals, housekeeping, lawn care, etc all happened too...

[TCB]

I had the privilege of going through that journey with a very very good friend. I called her often and apologized once for doing so, assuring her that she did not need to answer my call if she didn't feel like talking etc. I had assumed that she was getting calls all day from people, but she said that, in fact, she actually got very few calls and so appreciated mine. The other thing I did, not sure if it was the right thing, was to do my very best to not be emotional when she talked about hard things. I felt like she needed the opportunity to talk without having to worry about me. If you wonder if you should call, talk etc, I would advise you to err on the side of doing it, of course being sensitive, but I think often people don't want to intrude and so don't make contact, and I think it is easy for the person to feel somewhat isolated. I wish you and your friend the best, she is fortunate to have you to care about her.

[Happy]

I just finished a similar journey--6 cycles of chemo every three weeks for 6 months of treatment) One drug every week for a year. Radiation and a small amount of surgery. I'm just now getting my strength back. It's a tough road.

 

THis journey defined who my friends were and who were not. It was eye opening, to say the least.

 

Yes to food. If the chemo patient can't eat it, at least the family is fed. I lived on ice cream (big smile) homemade cream of potato soup, and ranch dressing... anything creamy was great for me. I could smell all flavors but couldn't taste anything sour, tart, fruity, or veggie flavored, but creamy was soooo good. Roast chicken was also a favorite. Ginger Ale was my great friend.

 

Many sent me hats, caps, and shawls. I treasured every one, but generally only wore caps I'd picked out myself. Picky, I guess.

 

Cards, emails, and texts were a joy. Phone calls were a pleasure, too. My sis in law sent me a 'spiritual' vitamin (Bible Verse) each Monday (my treatment day) via text. Another friend fasted (!) and prayed for me on Mondays. Many people prayed for me. The very best ones also sent me cards and such to remind me of their prayers and thoughts.

 

As chemo progressed and I got weaker, having a driver helped. Having someone with me on big treatment days to drve me home was grand--and it was fun to have someone sit the 3 hours or so it took to do a big treatment. One plucky friend tried to teach me to crochet--I did great til they gave me the benadryl...then the stitches got loopy. lol

 

We would have welcomed some yard help and some house cleaning help.

 

BE a FRIEND. Believe in life for her. Imagine all the fun things y'all will do when this season of life is passed through... From time to time I'd go out to lunch during 'good' weeks with a friend. It's so wonderful to just be sort of normal. One of my friends took me to garden centers in the late spring. Joy. Remember she won't have the energy to do much, but a little activity or outings are good medicine.

 

breastcancer.org is a helpful place, but a darned scary place sometimes. I learned much there, but had to take it in small doses. Barbara Delinsky's "Uplift' is helpful and encouraging.

 

You can PM me with any questions.

 

God Bless your Friend!

 

 

Edited to add--Re:books. When the steroids kept me up all night I read. But my lifelong love of romance couldn't do the trick. It had to be something more murderous. lol I read the Hunger Games trilogy, Bourne Identity, and more Lisa Gardner books than is good for a girl. The book had to be gripping or my poor chemo brain wouldn't hold on to it. Movies were generally not that helpful. I did watch hours and hours of the Food Network....

 

I had a couple of wonderful friends that I could tell almost anything to...They were my rocks.