Parenting different from my brother

[lulubelle]

I learned that my brother and I parent differently over the holidays. We haven't seen each other in a few years. We are not close.

 

Without knowing he was planning to visit my mom, we had planned to drop the kids off at my mom's house for two nights after Christmas. I thought this would be great to have my kids get to know their cousins. Well, the girls (5 yrs old and 6 yrs. old) got along great! But, my two boys and his one boy did not! My ds10 was beside himself when we came back. Their boy cousin, 7, kicked, lied, bossed them around and did not play fairly repeatedly. At first, I played it down because I thought my ds 10 was over-reacting, but shortly afterwards my ds 8 told me he also could not stand their cousin. Ds10 can be a bit hyper-focused on things, but ds8 is as even as it comes.

 

To be fair, my boys say they did do some retaliation toward their cousin that made him cry. My boys are not angels.

 

My mom and brother (if either were actually there or paying any attention at all) just shrugged it off or blamed my boys, because the cousin lied to save himself and my boys are older.

 

My kids make mistakes all the time and I tell them. They have consequences for bad behavior and I believe in conflict resolution for kids with an adult. I believe that each child needs to be responsible for their own actions. My mother and brother do not.

 

My boys never want to see their cousin again.

 

I wrote to my brother letting him know how disappointed I was with the boys not getting along and asked if we could all sit down and talk about ways to get along better before they see each other again. We were actually thinking of going to visit them, since they moved a bit closer.

 

He let me know that since my kids were older (8 and 10) than his son (7), they should be more responsible and kids should work conflict out on their own.

 

I feel like I am in a warped dimension. How do I respond to him? I don't even think I can get resolution with my brother, let alone the kids! And, maybe it just doesn't matter since we hardly ever see each other.

[Catwoman]

I'm sorry to say this, but IMO, you can't get resolution. Your brother is going to believe his own kid.

 

In the future, it may be best to be sure you are present when the cousins get together for visits, so you can see what's going on.

[KungFuPanda]

One failed weekend does not a pattern of behavior make. It may be a little soon for full-scale intervention. It sounds like the 7-year-old, who is used to being the big kid, tried to dominate your boys but failed miserably.

[AK_Mom4]

Sounds like this is something that is really bothering you. Does it really matter that they didn't get along with a kid they hardly knew while they were staying away from home?

 

I'm with your brother on this one. I would not worry about it other than to remind my boys (since they are older) to treat the cousin the way they would want to be treated. And let the boys work it out the next time they get together. Sometimes "two's company and three's a crowd", especially with brothers who have their own way of doing things.

 

I think it is something that time and familiarity will resolve on its own without parental involvement.

[AimeeM]

Is this a parenting difference... or an issue with the age difference between the 7 and 10 year old.

I have friends and family with children age 6/7. My daughter, at 10, could handle being around them only in small doses. There was simply too much of a difference in interests and maturity (at no fault of the youngers - that's a big age difference at that stage in their lives). My daughter wasn't interested in playing barbies or Candy Land, and while she could do so for a short amount of time, it quickly got old.

[Arcadia]

They have consequences for bad behavior and I believe in conflict resolution for kids with an adult. I believe that each child needs to be responsible for their own actions. My mother and brother do not.

...

He let me know that since my kids were older (8 and 10) than his son (7), they should be more responsible and kids should work conflict out on their own.

 

My boys are 8 and 7. We let them resolve their conflict most of the time unless either or both of them are being nasty. Than whichever adult is present would sit them down.

 

However when children are from more than one family like in your situation or a playdate, the consensus for us is to let kids work conflicts out themselves. If we are there and a child is being really obnoxious or "harmful", we just remove our kids from the situation. If we are not there, we don't want to start a mummy/daddy war because it just ends up spoiling relationships on something we don't know for sure.

 

I don't know what your brother might mean from being more responsible because I won't expect a 8 year old to be more responsible than a 7. I also do not think an average 10 year old would be good at conflict management in playing with a 8 yr old brother and a 7 yr old cousin.

 

I think that it is okay to visit your brother, after all your daughter and his daughter got along great. One thing you could do is have a polite excuse to leave if the boys are having a bad time.

[lulubelle]

Thanks, this is all very helpful!

[Reya]

It's not just an age difference. A snot at 7 is usually a more obnoxious snot at 12.

 

Depends on if you want to see them again. If you do, it should be supervised, closely, by you.

[Murphy101]

Thing is I bet once his kid cried he didn't believe they should resolve it themselves anymore. :/

 

I'd let it be.

 

I'd tell my kids if the 7 year old isn't being nice they are under no obligation to play with him. And if he goes crying to daddy, I'd tell daddy point blank that I'm not going to make my sons play with someone acting hateful.

 

I'd phrase it nicer. But that'd be my stance.

 

You parent your kids.

He parents his.

Problem resolved.

*shrugs*

[happyhomemaker]

Sounds like all of the boys were at fault. You think your nephew is more at fault, but your brother is probably thinking the same thing about your kids. You won't get anywhere trying to make him parent the way you do. Honestly, if I received a letter from a sibling after our kids not getting along, I would be doing some eye-rolling. It just seems like an overly dramatic response to the situation. They're kids, and I do believe at that age they should be able to resolve many things by themselves. Your nephew will learn better behavior by dealing with the natural consequences of his actions (if he acts a certain way, no one will want to play with him). The next time they are together, I would encourage my kids to give their cousin a second chance and to try to work things out, but I would not make them play together. If the cousin really wants to be included, he will change his tune. But complaining about the kid to the parent or trying to get everyone on the same parenting page isn't going to work and could potentially make things worse.

[idnib]

I guess I wouldn't worry about it too much, especially if you're not close with your brother. Next time the boys are together I would try to be there and I would equip my kids to deal with the cousin. Other than that I would leave it unless there was real bullying.

 

The kid sounds like a brat, but your kids also played a part. You don't see them all the time so why risk a brother/sister conflict?

[bolt.]

It sounds to me that your sons met a boy that they didn't get along with, and they had an annoying evening. I don't see why that requires conflict resolution.

 

It's perfectly normal for children between 6 and 12 to struggle with bossiness, untruthfulness and big emotional reactions. Some of them get a lot of parental help with those issues, and some don't. Some children need a lot more help with those issues than others do, just due to their temperaments. I assume the boy's parents are doing their best, given the hand they have been dealt, within the scope of their values and parenting priorities (just like the rest of us).

 

Your brothers son isn't ideal, and it wasn't a pleasant visit. I'd just let it go.

[lulubelle]

I was going to let it go, but ds 10 is going to a therapist with us for anxiety issues and he talked about his cousin in therapy. Therapist, "How was your vacation?" Ds, "My cousin..." The therapist felt ds needed more resolution and recommended I contact my brother about it. I did it for ds and the therapist.

 

I think it was best left alone.

[bolt.]

That kind of contacting your brother probably would have been more along the lines of, "My son is struggling with anxiety and other issues, so he can be easily upset by stressful situations. Aparently he had a stressful time with your son while they were hanging out, so it would help him if you might let them talk about it together. I think my son's therapist has given him some guidance on what he wants to say. I don't want to be intrusive, but it does seem to be bugging my boy still. Would you mind?"

[Catwoman]

That kind of contacting your brother probably would have been more along the lines of, "My son is struggling with anxiety and other issues, so he can be easily upset by stressful situations. Aparently he had a stressful time with your son while they were hanging out, so it would help him if you might let them talk about it together. I think my son's therapist has given him some guidance on what he wants to say. I don't want to be intrusive, but it does seem to be bugging my boy still. Would you mind?"

 

I don't think I would mention the therapist. There's nothing wrong with a kid seeing a therapist, but in this case, the OP and her brother aren't very close, and if she mentions that her ds talked about his kid in therapy, he may use that as an excuse to blame any problems between the kids on her ds. It wouldn't be true, of course, but a lot of people will try to find any excuse to absolve their own kids from any kind of guilt.

 

If she and her brother were very close, it would be different, but in this case, I think I would just let it go, and if she's concerned about possible future problems between the kids, she should just be sure she's there during the visits.

[elegantlion]

I think you need to remove the "brother" part from the equation. His cousins are acquaintances, even if they are family. How would you handle it if they were't related? If you only see him every few years, I wouldn't approach your brother about it.

 

Regarding the anxiety issue, is this something you discuss with your brother? If not, then again, I wouldn't bring it up. If they only see each other every few years, then things will change when they are older. Also if you are working through the anxiety issue, you may not want that to be the one thing your brother remembers about your child.

 

We had an educationally related issue with ds when he was about 8. I mentioned it to my mom, who mentioned it to my sister. We (my sister and I) aren't close and only see each other every few years. She then proceeded to e-mail me advice about the issue I never mentioned to her. It has taken her years to see past that issue in ds. I feel like we're on proving ground everytime they get together. She's finally kind of over it after this last time.

 

I say to point out that if you don't see your brother often, I'd prefer to protect my child against judgment from other family members because of his anxiety issues. Those issues tend to linger in the minds of others and color perception for years to come.

 

Does your therapist realize you aren't close and don't see each other often?

[Catwoman]

I was going to let it go, but ds 10 is going to a therapist with us for anxiety issues and he talked about his cousin in therapy. Therapist, "How was your vacation?" Ds, "My cousin..." The therapist felt ds needed more resolution and recommended I contact my brother about it. I did it for ds and the therapist.

 

I think it was best left alone.

 

I think it would have been best left alone, too, but you were just trying to help your son, so you took the therapist's advice. FWIW, your brother has probably already forgotten all about the whole thing.

[lulubelle]

I've let my ds know some of the great advice I have received here. It has helped deflate the issue a great deal and I really appreciate you all taking the time!

 

Although, he was a bit anxious about his uncle reading it online!

[2squared]

Cousins can be awful just like any other kid. My kids have cousins they don't like, and that's where we reap the benefits of being a larger family. When we are around those cousins, my kids are reminded to stick together, and they are certainly allowed to not play with the cousins. My bigs know they are expected to look out for the littles, and they do.

 

While I don't generally let my kids work things out on their own at home, I do generally let them work things out in a cousin group. If I had an only, my approach would need to be different. Being the biggest cousin group definitely has its advantages in these situations.

[Catherine]

A situation similar to this has plagued our family for years. The only solution is for you to have "boots on the ground" where they are at all times and intervene when needed. Because my SIL did not supervise her kids, and they behaved accordingly, there were a lot of fights and physical meanness. I did not attempt to even correct them, eventually, because she would get so angry, but just simply sent the offending child away. Even that was perceived as "picking on" her child. It ruined many a family get-together for me. Thank goodness they are older now (youngest are 11 and 12) and getting along much better.

[Amy in NH]

A couple of years ago we had friends who we had a similar problem with, except the age differences were greater. A group of us got together weekly at a gymnasium/playground/sledding hill/ball fields. Friend's son ( C) had an issue with attacking other children and then crying when they retaliated in any way. C (then 8) would run up and physically attack my oldest son, J (then 16) - really a full-on assault of kicking and hitting and jumping on him for NO reason at all. The small amount of force required by J only to stop the attack would make C cry. My kids have never been allowed to physically harm each other, so they were quite taken aback by the situation, and my kids stood up for themselves and the other kids. But it was always C who came running to the moms that so-and-so did this and other-so-and-so did that when really it was all reactive behavior to C. It wasn't always my kids getting blamed btw. C attacked other children as well - it wasn't only my son, but he was the oldest of them. It did not seem fair that my kids could not go play within the group because C would come crying when he attacked them, yet C's mother seemed to think this was a problem that was all my kids' fault, especially J because he was so much older. I suggested that we could patrol the play space together to keep an eye on the situation (not fair for me to be the only one to spend my time policing the park), but she refused. I finally ended the friendship and left the group (which fell apart shortly after). It just wasn't worth it.

 

My bet is that your brother doesn't see his son's behavior as a problem, and it is all your fault. That will not change. You need to decide if continuing the relationship is worth dealing with this same behavior, being the only police, and always taking the blame.

 

I have maintained relationships with some of the other moms and kids in the group, and my kids haven't had any further problems with other kids from that group or other groups to which we have belonged. I know other friends aren't your brother or your children's cousins, but sometimes you have to make your own "family". There must be some reason why you haven't been close with your brother...

[tex-mex]

It's not just an age difference. A snot at 7 is usually a more obnoxious snot at 12.

 

Depends on if you want to see them again. If you do, it should be supervised, closely, by you.

 

Not necessarily.

 

Some obnoxious 7 year olds do grow up mature... a bit more humbled thanks to Life lessons, if you know what I mean.

Those who don't get wiser by the teen years -- well, it is possible when they become adults when life throws them a hard curve ball.

 

If not... then they remain jerks all of their lives. Life deals with them too.

 

ETA: I understand the therapist wanting resolution. But perhaps a role-playing session would have been more prudent? This might end up causing a rift between cousins or such. And truthfully, the OP's child will grow up and barely recall the situation. It was a one-time visit with cousins he barely knew. Sort of like a playdate that went awry. I'd go over strategies on how to handle rude people with OP's son and let it go at that. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, kwim?

[MomatHWTK]

For the anxiety issue, I try to give my child ways to resolve the issue that don't involve the other parties. So my resolution would be something along the lines of "If X does this next time, I want you to handle it this way..." We actually run into the issue of other kids' and conflict quite a bit so it is something you may have to go over in different settings often. I try to let the child talk about the "what if's" and then come up with some ideas of what to do.

 

Playing problem solving games (especially social themed ones), using the open ended discussion cards, and reading genearl problem solving materials may be helpful as well.