Shy children

[extendedforecast]

All of my children are more shy than not. Thankfully, my older girls have mostly outgrown their shyness. I was just reading that parents shouldn't apologize ("David is shy" or "She's my shy child") for their children being bashful when talking to other people, as this is thought to shame them. What is an appropriate thing to say when an acquaintance or stranger asks your preschool aged child a question, but the child is too shy to answer?

[Reeciecup]

I would say they were shy. I don't think it's shameful. If the child doesn't like it I imagine he or she would tell you wouldn't they?

[mchel210]

my middle is extremely shy. I used to tell people that she was shy and just move on. I would push her behind me when people wouldnt listen or tried to grab her hair (they always want to touch her curls) grrr. And I would start talking to them to get them to change the topic.

[countrygal]

I don't think it's shameful, as long as you don't say it in a shameful way. Then just answer the question for them. Meanwhile, talk to the child before situations (like going to a party where they will see relatives they don't know) and tell them that it's not polite to not answer a question when someone asks. They should be able to say their name and age when great aunt Tillie asks. But... I'm still working on this with 2 of my 3 kiddos. Most people understand and aren't offended in the least by shy children. Infact, I think most prefer shy ones to the loud ones!:lol:

[Tammyla]

Imo, adults should pick up on the child's body language and clues; many are very rude insisting on a response when they clearly see how uncomfortable their behavior is making the child.

 

(Stranger warnings often get mixed up here by insisting they interact with someone they don't know.)

 

If I felt compelled to say something, I'd be honest and say...he or she doesn't know you.

[sparrow]

Imo, adults should pick up on the child's body language and clues; many are very rude insisting on a response when they clearly see how uncomfortable their behavior is making the child.

 

(Stranger warnings often get mixed up here by insisting they interact with someone they don't know.)

 

If I felt compelled to say something, I'd be honest and say...he or she doesn't know you.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

My daughter was quite shy up until the past year or so. It *really* made me angry when strangers, or even those that knew her, but she didn't feel comfortable with, made it their business to "bring her out of her shell" :glare:. She just doesn't want you in her face. Back off!

 

I always did a quick, "She's just shy. Say, some weather we've been having, huh?" I see no shame in saying they are shy and then deflect, deflect, deflect!

[sparrow]

my middle is extremely shy. I used to tell people that she was shy and just move on. I would push her behind me when people wouldnt listen or tried to grab her hair (they always want to touch her curls) grrr. And I would start talking to them to get them to change the topic.

 

:glare: My daughter is of Korean descent and has beautiful, silky black hair that she has not worn down in *years* because of this sort of behavior. She cut if off a few years ago to donate and once it grew out, she never wore it down again :(.

[Julie Smith]

:iagree::iagree:

 

My daughter was quite shy up until the past year or so. It *really* made me angry when strangers, or even those that knew her, but she didn't feel comfortable with, made it their business to "bring her out of her shell" :glare:. She just doesn't want you in her face. Back off!

 

I always did a quick, "She's just shy. Say, some weather we've been having, huh?" I see no shame in saying they are shy and then deflect, deflect, deflect!

 

I agree. When an adult keeps trying to talk / interact with a chlild who doesn't want to I find it unpleasant. (Unless of course there is a reason why it should be done.)

[TranquilMind]

All of my children are more shy than not. Thankfully, my older girls have mostly outgrown their shyness. I was just reading that parents shouldn't apologize ("David is shy" or "She's my shy child") for their children being bashful when talking to other people, as this is thought to shame them. What is an appropriate thing to say when an acquaintance or stranger asks your preschool aged child a question, but the child is too shy to answer?

 

I agree with that. I would never say that. Not because it is shaming so much but because I don't choose to label my children. If you label them, you will have what you say,because they will take it on as an identity.

 

In your case, I'd probably just say "well, she is more talkative some days than others" and move on.

 

I've told this story before, but I'll tell you in case it helps. My oldest would talk to anyone, just as I will, but my youngest started exhibiting the behavior you mention. He actually overheard others say things like, "Oh, he's shy!' and then started saying it himself.

 

Well, my husband grew up that way and we were just not going there again. He didn't talk much until he met me, convinced that his label was who he was. It is debilitating and I didn't want that for my kid.

 

So....one day, he said, "I'm shy" and without even thinking about it, out of my mouth came, "I'm SO sorry you are "shy". I'm not allowed to give treats to shy kids." I don't know why it came out; it was not a conscious thought at all. It just popped out. He loved treats above all things at that age. He thought it over for a moment and then said, "Well, then, I am NOT shy." That just wasn't going to work for him. And from that moment, he never had a problem again. He's quieter in some environments until he knows people, but never uncomfortable or self-conscious. He's actually the only extrovert in the family. Go figure.

[TranquilMind]

:iagree:

 

I never label my kids as shy, but other people do.

 

It drives me crazy when anyone asks one of my kids a question, and if they don't answer immediately the person invariably says, 'Oh, she's shy.'

 

Well, yes, if she hears that every day for her entire life, of course she's going to start believing it. I wish people would just shut up sometimes.

 

YES, exactly.

[Susan in TN]

All of my children are more shy than not. Thankfully, my older girls have mostly outgrown their shyness. I was just reading that parents shouldn't apologize ("David is shy" or "She's my shy child") for their children being bashful when talking to other people, as this is thought to shame them. What is an appropriate thing to say when an acquaintance or stranger asks your preschool aged child a question, but the child is too shy to answer?

 

I help my child answer - get down to their level and quietly say "Mrs. H asked how old you are, can you tell her that you are 4 years old?" If shy child still won't answer, I'll just smile and say "yep, she's 4", and leave it at that.

 

I was very shy as a child, I think partially due to the fact that I didn't process auditorily very well, so I understand the difficulty sometimes in even understanding what a person has said, much less how to respond. I think it helps to "rehearse" with a child how to respond politely in different situations - saying "hello", "I'm fine thank you", etc.. It helps to ease the discomfort and gives them a little confidence knowing that they can be functional even when it is a difficult situation for them.

[wapiti]

Well, yes, if she hears that every day for her entire life, of course she's going to start believing it.

 

FWIW, I don't think a person acts shy just because they've heard others say that they're shy. It's a personality, not a belief. My mother still thinks this is why I am shy (I am majorly introverted and she is majorly extroverted and she does. not. understand. me).

[sparrow]

I agree with that. I would never say that. Not because it is shaming so much but because I don't choose to label my children. If you label them, you will have what you say,because they will take it on as an identity.

 

In your case, I'd probably just say "well, she is more talkative some days than others" and move on.

 

I've told this story before, but I'll tell you in case it helps. My oldest would talk to anyone, just as I will, but my youngest started exhibiting the behavior you mention. He actually overheard others say things like, "Oh, he's shy!' and then started saying it himself.

 

Well, my husband grew up that way and we were just not going there again. He didn't talk much until he met me, convinced that his label was who he was. It is debilitating and I didn't want that for my kid.

 

So....one day, he said, "I'm shy" and without even thinking about it, out of my mouth came, "I'm SO sorry you are "shy". I'm not allowed to give treats to shy kids." I don't know why it came out; it was not a conscious thought at all. It just popped out. He loved treats above all things at that age. He thought it over for a moment and then said, "Well, then, I am NOT shy." That just wasn't going to work for him. And from that moment, he never had a problem again. He's quieter in some environments until he knows people, but never uncomfortable or self-conscious. He's actually the only extrovert in the family. Go figure.

 

I completely disagree with the bolded. We said my daughter was shy, because she was shy. It was not something she grew to believe and it's not a label. It was a statement of fact. Developmentally, she needed longer to feel comfortable around other people. She needed a quick out for people trying to engage her and by saying that she's shy and moving the conversation on, and away from her, it gave her time to process.

 

My daughter is now extremely outgoing and confident. MUCH more so than I ever was at her age. I owe it completely to letting her have time to develop mentally and sports. Team sports changed everything for her.

 

In my opinion, a quick and dismissive, "s/he can be shy" is appropriate.

[Barb_]

I was shy as a child and I was always relieved to hear my mom explain that I was shy (or bashful, as she would say). It took the pressure off. I outgrew the worst of it by late childhood...maybe age 9 or 10? But with my own kids, I wanted to avoid labeling, so I said, "She seems to be feeling shy today." That worked well.

[skeeterbug]

I was shy as a child and I was always relieved to hear my mom explain that I was shy (or bashful, as she would say). It took the pressure off. I outgrew the worst of it by late childhood...maybe age 9 or 10? But with my own kids, I wanted to avoid labeling, so I said, "She seems to be feeling shy today." That worked well.

 

If my child is literally hiding behind me then I'll say something like the above, but to my child. "Are you being shy today?" Takes the pressure off the child, doesn't label them, and then I just answer the person's question.

[CandaceC]

The frustration I feel in all this is that I don't think it's a problem to be shy, it's just a personality type or characteristic. I am an introvert and my kids lean towards being shy, but one of mine is very shy. I don't think it's a bad thing when I say that I am not talkative or that I'm an introvert...or call me shy, I don't think it's a problem to overcome I guess.

[kokotg]

The frustration I feel in all this is that I don't think it's a problem to be shy, it's just a personality type or characteristic. I am an introvert and my kids lean towards being shy, but one of mine is very shy. I don't think it's a bad thing when I say that I am not talkative or that I'm an introvert...or call me shy, I don't think it's a problem to overcome I guess.

 

Yes, this. I remember hearing about how I shouldn't label when my oldest was younger. One day we checked the book "Shy Charles" out of the library; he was about 4 at the time and I think it was the first time he'd heard the word defined. It was clearly a huge relief to him to have a word for how he felt and to know that there were other kids (and mice) who felt the same way. He NEEDED that label. It's only a negative thing if you see it that way.

[Barb_]

Yes, this. I remember hearing about how I shouldn't label when my oldest was younger. One day we checked the book "Shy Charles" out of the library; he was about 4 at the time and I think it was the first time he'd heard the word defined. It was clearly a huge relief to him to have a word for how he felt and to know that there were other kids (and mice) who felt the same way. He NEEDED that label. It's only a negative thing if you see it that way.

 

I really do agree with this. I felt the same way when I was a child. If shy is a descriptor like blonde or tall then I just don't see how it can be taken in a negative way unless obviously intended as an insult. I wonder if anyone here who is shy or was as a child sees the word in a negative light?

[extendedforecast]

I didn't mean to imply that being shy was a bad thing. When I spoke of my older daughters outgrowing their shyness and being thankful for it, I meant that I was thankful that they no longer felt uncomfortable speaking to people. I was very shy as a child. I remember feeling stressed and anxious when we would go to places where I was expected to interact with other kids and adults. I still cinsider myself a bit shy in that I need time around new people before I feel comfortable carrying a conversation with them. The usual greetings and everyday conversations, such as talking about the weather, are no problem for me though.

[TranquilMind]

sparrow: I completely disagree with the bolded. We said my daughter was shy, because she was shy. It was not something she grew to believe and it's not a label. It was a statement of fact.

No one is arguing that there might not be a propensity here. But I simply believe it is unwise to negatively label children. They do believe you.

 

So we will just have to agree to disagree on how to handle this. Most people do what you do and I'm sure it works out fine for them.

 

I did not, and it worked for us.

 

To this day, my husband jokes about the time that his Grandpa said, "Well, you know Joe (my husband, not actual name) is a really hard worker, but not as smart as Bill (brother, not real name). He still remembers it 40 years later and believed it for a long time. It turned out not to be true, but it was a weight he carried, to some degree, because of the careless words of an adult labeling him.

 

When he does something amazing today (because he is actually brilliant), we will say, "Oh, you know...that's because you are just such a hard worker."

 

My daughter is now extremely outgoing and confident. MUCH more so than I ever was at her age. I owe it completely to letting her have time to develop mentally and sports. Team sports changed everything for her.

 

 

I'm glad for her.

 

In my opinion, a quick and dismissive, "s/he can be shy" is appropriate

 

 

Well, it's not a hill to die on, but I simply would never do it, and I stated why. But I would say the more factual, "She doesn't have much to say today" or something like that. So... there you go;)

[TranquilMind]

Well, I'm shy and I have always been.

 

I think that, for me, it has been a negative thing. It contributed to my not having any friends for years as a child and having very few friends as an adult. I would rather not have my kids go through the same loneliness that I went through (and still feel sometimes).

Both my husband and I feel the same way.

[MistyMountain]

I either don't say anything or answer the question that was asked or say they take a while to warm up. I heard that saying they are shy might make the child feel like they are so I try not to use the term that often. Other people say oh they are shy though all the time. I used to tell my oldest that nervous was a feeling and it is ok to feel nervous but you can overcome it.

[IsabelC]

All of my children are more shy than not. Thankfully, my older girls have mostly outgrown their shyness. I was just reading that parents shouldn't apologize ("David is shy" or "She's my shy child") for their children being bashful when talking to other people, as this is thought to shame them. What is an appropriate thing to say when an acquaintance or stranger asks your preschool aged child a question, but the child is too shy to answer?

 

 

I think it's better to say "David is feeling a bit shy right now" rather than "David is my shy one". The first defines shyness as a transitory state, whereas the second labels the child himself, and gives him an excuse to be rude. Of course some people are naturally more reserved than others, but I still don't think it's ever helpful to attach a negative label in front of others. (We don't around telling random acquaintances "She's my slow runner" or "He's my tone-deaf son".)

 

Generally if one of my kids ignores a question, I just remind them "So-and-so asked you a question..." and that does the trick. Then later we go over how it is polite to answer people.

[Clear Creek]

No one is arguing that there might not be a propensity here. But I simply believe it is unwise to negatively label children. They do believe you.

 

;)

 

I think the real issue is that people believe that being shy is a negative thing. If the OP had said that she has a problem with her child being extraordinarily outgoing and talkative, would you have made the same statement about negatively labeling children? Most people would not, because being shy (a normal personality trait) is seen as a negative personality trait, while the opposite, outgoing, is seen as a positive personality trait. It is healthy for a child to learn the words that describe their personality traits. The comparison to others is unhealthy because that is when it becomes a positive/negative thing.

 

Telling my son he is good at math is a good thing. Saying that my son is better at math than his older sister is a bad thing. Telling my middle child she is shy is a good thing. Saying that my middle child is shyer than my oldest child is a bad thing. Telling my oldest child that she is a good listener is a good thing. Saying that my oldest child is a better listener than my youngest child is a bad thing.

 

Personality traits are a good thing, and it is healthy for a child to learn the words to understand their personality and to learn that their parents and other loved ones accept their personality traits. It is a bad thing to make comparisons among the personality traits (as well as strengths and abilities) of different children/people. As children grow they will understand how they compare to other people, but if we teach them that all the different aspects of their personality are acceptable and make them the unique person that they are, the comparisons will not make them feel badly. I am shy, and my husband is very outgoing. I have known that I am shy from a very young age, but my parents did not make me feel that it was a negative trait, so I don't feel badly about it. It is just a part of who I am. I had to learn some skills to comply with social norms (like making small talk with people in social situations), but an outgoing person has to learn skills as well - like not talking when a speaker is giving a presentation.

 

In the example you gave above, it was the comparison that was damaging, not the labels. If your husband had heard that "Joe is a really hard worker and Bill is very smart," that would not have been nearly as damaging. I think that it still borders on comparison because they are in the same sentence, but it lacks the hugely negative comparison of the original sentence and still contains the descriptions of the boys. It was not negative for your husband to hear that he was thought of as a hard worker, it was negative for your husband to hear how he compared to his brother.

[kokotg]

I think the real issue is that people believe that being shy is a negative thing.

 

:iagree:

 

Of course feeling shy can go to extremes and lead to behaviors that are problematic (coming across as rude, shyness limiting ability to make friends or function in the world, etc.) but that's true of pretty much any personality trait. My 6 year old is extraordinarily self confident. This is a great thing, but it's also something that can cross over to arrogance....it's my job as his parent to keep a check on this and to teach him ways to wield his confidence in a socially acceptable way. But no one would suggest that I'd be giving him a negative label if I said, sometime when he was quick to answer a question or to volunteer himself for some challenging job, "he's very confident."

 

I think a lot of us who are on the introverted side of things get frustrated with our personality type being constantly labeled as inferior and dealing with subtle and overt suggestions that we should try to become extroverts. So, yes; to me it is calling "shy" a negative label that's the problem. I never want my kids to get the idea that there's something wrong with how they naturally FEEL, even as I acknowledge that they will have to come out of their comfort zones and adjust their behaviors to get along in the world.

[Joanne]

The problem with the label is that is comes with baggage. It's not neutral. It's typically a negative.

 

You'll never hear people say "It's so great! She's selective!" Or, "it's so great, she makes mature, reasoned decisions about who to use her interaction skills with."

 

Shy is pathologized and devalued in western culture. I ask (as a part of assessment) every day "What are your strengths". I get LOTS of "people person" answers and the variations. Because western culture values that. We don't value "shy."

 

So, calling a child "shy" unnecessarily defines them with something negative.

 

I'd avoid the word and give a form of "she's 2, 3, 4.......".

 

As the child matures, I'd role play and teach interaction skills but I'd not "apologize" for their level of engagement.

[TravelingChris]

I think being an introvert is a positive trait. Being extremely shy is not because it is limiting but I would not make a big deal of it with a young child. I knew one mother who was very frustrated about her 3 or 4 year old daughter who wanted to hide from people. She was clingy. I told her that she would probably grow out of it and to not make such a big deal about it. If said child was 6 and still doing that, I would get help.

 

Here is another personality trait that many view as negative however, I don't necessarily- stubbornness. Yes, it can be negative- like refusing to compromise in any fashion. However, it can also be a positive. It definitely helped me stay safe and make better decisions. That was because I was stubborn and refused to go along with the flow when I didn't want to. That includes the flow to do drugs or the flow to get drunk or the flow to have lots of one night stands. Since I realized that, I parented differently than maybe some others. I considered introversion and stubbornness to be mostly positive traits. My kids have also used the stubbornness to not get into trouble. It isn't foolproof but it did help.

[texasmama]

The terms shyness and introversion should not be used interchangeably.

 

Introversion is a personality trait. Shyness is really a form of social anxiety. For those who are interested, I have made it part-way through the following book on introversion:

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307352145/ref=oh_details_o03_s00_i01

 

I don't describe any of my children as "shy" because of the negative connotation attached to it.

[cindergretta]

Fascinating thread. I have never heard the word "shy" as a negative trait. I was a shy child and certainly never felt negative about being shy. I just was. I had blond hair and was small for my age, too. Those things didn't bother me, either.

 

I have a child with Social Anxiety Disorder and Selective Mutism. People can be pretty aggressive in pushing her to answer their inane questions. :glare: Usually people who simply are NOT familiar enough with her to be in her face anyway. It irritates me no end. When this happens, I pull her into my side with my arm and answer their question, giving the physical boundary that she is under my wing, take my answer or don't, but leave her alone. It works.

 

She talks about being shy but it doesn't bother her to be shy, it bothers her to have people talk to her. :tongue_smilie: