Resources for someone who has lost a fullterm baby

[lovetobehome]

First of all, if you know anything about this topic, it probably means you or someone close to you has experienced such a loss. For that, I am truly sorry, what a huge emptiness our family feels.

Someone very close to me has just lost their first child, unexpectedly. The baby was fullterm but the heartbeat ceased. This occurred a week ago. They are devastated. Labor was induced later that same day, and the baby was delivered last Thursday. They are older, and have concerns about being able to conceive again. They are extremely private, but they are going to a counselor and to a group for grieving parents.

But anyway, they have asked me for some websites and books to help. Hive mamas, can you help me come up with a list of compassionate and helpful suggestions for them? Thanks in advance for your help- I appreciate it very much.

[Sara R]

stillbirthday.com

[laundrycrisis]

I do not have any books or websites to recommend. But I have some ideas to recommend for ways to help them, if they are interested.

 

The first is meals or errand running for a while. Just so they don't have to deal with going out, buying and/or preparing food. And it is important to eat healthy food, even if they feel too sad to think about food. It could either be prepared meals, or a gift card to a place that would deliver meals. My friend did not want to eat. Having prepared food put in front of her and someone to sit with her to make sure she ate some was important.

 

The second - and I know you mentioned that they are very private, so this may be difficult to offer - is to offer to help them with the baby items in their home. Some people want to handle all of this themselves as a way of processing, but my friends who lost their son just wanted to not have to see it all every day. The mom also did not want to have to make immediate decisions about all of those items. What I did for them was to take all of the items for the baby out of their house in one day. I offered to either donate them to places where they would be used, or to store them until they maybe needed them or were ready to let them go. They ended up asking me to donate the clothing and save the large items for a while, and eventually were ready to let those go too.

 

I will admit it was emotionally difficult for me to have these things around that had so much sadness attached to them, and to stay involved in their grieving process through those things. But my friend was extremely grateful to have help with dealing with this part of it. She said it helped her a lot to not have those things in the house as reminders of what she had been expecting their life to be like by then, instead of the reality of what it was. She was also grateful to not feel pressure to make decisions and be able to let the stuff go as she was ready.

Edited October 17, 2012 by laundrycrisis

[jeninok]

:grouphug: :iagree:

 

 

I lost a baby at 31 weeks , What I needed was someone to help watch my then 4 year old son for the first couple of days after I got home, so I could pull myself together and not totally freak him out while I coped with the immediate aftermath. I could have really used meals and errands as well.

 

My mom came to my house before I ever got home and packed up every baby item we had bought, it was a tremendous relief not to have to see it all in the house. I ended up keeping the little hand/foot print stone from the hospital and one pair of shoes, but it took me until just a year or so ago to finally donate it all.

 

I remember at one point standing in my kitchen and crying and feeling utterly alone, and even though I doubt I was eating much, all I could think was- this was a death....where are the casseroles.

[Joules]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I found some help in local meetings of SHARE.

They also have a list of books they recommend.

 

My midwife gave me a copy of When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold Kushner that I found a great comfort, but the appropriateness of it would depend on their religious affiliation.

 

Dh and I are also very private people and didn't ask for much (though we had plenty of food!) It's an odd one, but I can think of one thing that would have helped me: Offer to let people know what happened. For months afterwards, every dentist appointment, every shopping trip, you run into someone who sees you not pregnant anymore and asks all of those happy questions: When was it born? Boy or girl? You have to explain all over again. I ended up bawling in all kinds of places. It's been 11 years so maybe Facebook spreads the word better. You may find the mom would like someone to go places with for a while. I felt like I needed an emotional buffer from the world.

 

:grouphug:

[Lisa in Jax]

This book was recommended to a friend of mine when her first child died from Group B Strep at birth: "Empty Arms," bu Sherokee Isle. http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Arms-Coping-Miscarriage-Stillbirth/dp/0960945660

 

If she's Catholic, there's a ministry for infant loss. http://www.elizabethministry.com/Miscarriage_Child_Loss.html

 

One thing I've learned through talking with so many moms who've lost children -- use the child's name, and talk about him. She's thinking about her baby constantly. You're not "bringing up" something she's forgotten; you're offering her a chance to talk if she wants to. So many people feel uncomfortable and never mention the child again, and this is hurtful to many moms.

 

Hugs to your friend,

 

Lisa

[Farrar]

This happened to a family member. It was so heartbreaking. I'm not even that close to her, but I was just in tears about it for ages after it happened.

 

I think for her, it helped that everyone let her grieve and visit the baby's gravesite, and have a proper funeral and call the baby by his name and look at the pictures of him, and so forth. Basically, to treat it like you would treat the loss of any person in a family or community and not try to sweep it under the rug or act like it was "just" a miscarriage. I don't know if everyone would feel that way, but it's certainly what seemed to help in this case.

 

I also think it's good to try and step back and not suggest a "replacement" pregnancy. Which, I know, that probably seem obvious, but I know that behind closed doors, that's what everyone was saying and I'm sure people said it to the parents straight up as well.

[HappyMomMd]

I lost my full term daughter one month after she was born. She became sick shortly after birth. Her illness and passing totally caught us off guard as my pregnancy was normal in comparison with my first daughter. Losing a healthy full term baby left so many questions.

 

At that time I did not know anyone who had loss a baby. I was devastated and heartbroken. My body literally ached for her. My husband and I had a great support system and still nothing anyone said or did made it better.

 

In my desperate search to find someone who understood I found a website called aplacetoremember I found support from parents who had been there. I also attended a few group grief counciling sessions at the hospital and was able to connect with other parents who had recently loss a child. This helped some but really it just takes time. I cried everyday for at least 18 months after her passing and then it became just a few times a month and now 9 years later I sill find myself in tears every so often.

 

My husband and I decided to try for another baby soon after she passed away and just 13 days after of what would have been her first birthday we had our 3rd daughter. Having her so soon after the loss helped me to find some happiness.

 

 

The thing that was so important is that no one close to my husband or myself forgot about her. Everyone talks about her. No one acts as if she doesn't exist. If you ask any of our friends how many children we have they would say 4.

 

Try to help her get out of the house. Even if its to go for a walk or maybe out to dinner. Let her know you are thinking of her and remembering the little one she loss.

 

 

Sorry this got so long!!!

[kesmom]

How absolutely heartbreaking. We had the same thing occur with our first baby. She would be 8 years old.

 

Personally, as someone who did not want anyone touching my baby's things, I would wait to see if they ask for help with this. It is very very personal and even if I had wanted that kind of help I would probably be very selective as to who I wanted. Most grieving parents I talked to at the time wanted to deal with the baby things themselves.

 

Help with food, chores, errands etc... is always good. I think one of the most touching things that someone did for me at the time was when my uncle (they were keeping him for a few days) gave my dog a bath.

 

I did use a couple of online support groups, sometimes just for reading and not participating. MISS Foundation is a really good one. Most of the bigger pregnancy/parenting message boards have loss groups, but those can be harder to visit for some people.

[happypamama]

I'm so sorry. Such a heartbreaking thing.

 

Maybe not right now, but down the line, they may find this book comforting in realizing that they're not alone: http://www.amazon.com/They-Were-Still-Born-Stillbirth/dp/1442204125/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1350488779&sr=8-1&keywords=janel+atlas

 

Ask how they're doing. Ask if they want to share anything about their baby's story. Be willing to listen if they want to talk. They're not going to forget; acknowledge that their baby is real and has left a hole in their hearts. My sister and I make a point to remember our brother's daughter's birthday and October 15, and I think that means a lot to our brother and SIL. Especially since they don't currently have other children, the rest of the world is not going to remember them on Mother's Day and Father's Day -- do that. They may not have had the chance to see their baby reach all the common milestones and events, but they will always be that child's parents.

 

Also, if they do get pregnant again, validate whatever they need for reassurance. This was particularly difficult for me, as I tend to be very hands-off when it comes to testing and such during pregnancy, but with the subsequent pregnancies, my brother and SIL needed the extra reassurance that additional testing, etc. gave them. It was only my place to be excited and happy for them.

Edited October 17, 2012 by happypamama

[Bonkers247]

Some book suggestions:

i Will Carry You by Angie Smith

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah L. Davis

Stolen Angels by Sharee Moore

 

And for if they want to get pregnant again:

Pregnancy After a Loss by Carol Cirulli Lanham

 

Here's what helped us:

Having people acknowledge that this was a real child, even though we didn't get to meet him. I appreciated it when people used his name and talked about him.

Meals and someone to help with the house and kids.

Having people understand that whatever we were feeling was normal. There is a wide range and no one likes to be criticized for the way they are grieving.

Honestly, people who were pregnant staying far, far away from me. It was too great of a reminder of what I had lost. The same goes for people with newborns. But...I have known people who found being around pregnant women and newborns to be therapeutic. Follow their cues on this one.

Someone to listen to me and hug me while I cried.

 

I've stopped writing on my blog but it's still up if she's interested in reading it. Maybe something there would help. http://Www.hopeforahealingheart.blogspot.com

 

My heart hurts for them. I wish they did not have to walk this long and difficult road.

[Dmmetler]

Is there a Lullabyes group in your area? These are facilitated support groups for parents who have gone through infant loss, and I think mine saved my life the first year after my son died. Mine was offered free through the Women's hospital.

 

This is a good book-but perhaps better coming from a professional than a friend-it's often given out by hospitals.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Arms-Coping-Miscarriage-Stillbirth/dp/0960945660/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1350491967&sr=1-4&keywords=when+pregnancy+isn%27t+perfect

 

 

Ann Douglas has written a great book for moms going through a SPALS pregnancy or attempting to conceive after a pregnancy loss/infant death.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Trying-Again-Pregnancy-Miscarriage-Stillbirth/dp/0878331824/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1350492036&sr=1-1&keywords=trying+again

 

She's probably not at that point yet, but it's a big help later on. It took me about a year to get to that point. I had this one, too

 

http://www.amazon.com/Pregnancy-After-Loss-Miscarriage-Stillbirth/dp/0425170470/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y

[laundrycrisis]

I came back to add something else.

 

Be there to listen to whatever the mom has to say, with no judgement at all. I spent time just sitting with my friend in her house. She had some thoughts to share that might have been surprising to a lot of people. Just a bit off the wall. They were things could really catch most people off guard to hear said out loud, and might draw critical or shocked responses. I felt it was important for her to have someone to just listen and be able to let those out with a friend who would not judge for how they sounded. From my own perspective, how I dealt with these thoughts from her was to keep in mind that she was in a place mentally that I had never been, and it was not my place to judge her mental process in any way at all...and also that no matter what came out, in the end, I was there to support her.

 

Also, the way the help with the baby things came up was that I (and others) just asked generally if they would like any help around the house. We offered to do anything that needed to be done. ( I also picked up their dog's poop a few times.) It was the mom's idea to have all the baby things taken away "for a while".

[lovetobehome]

You all are the best, thank you so much.

Unfortunately, I live 6 hours away, and they have strongly discouraged all family/friends from coming to stay at a hotel nearby. They just want their space. They are not ready for talking, even on the phone, mostly. And we are respecting their wishes.

I have talked with my brother, the daddy, and he is calling again today. His wife is sweet and gentle, and very private, and to my knowledge she is not talking to anyone except her mom. He is taking good care of her, they have a great relationship.

My brother is helped by talking. I am sending them notes each day, and he seems to really, really appreciate that. I sent them a care package of just comfort things- a journal, teas, coffee they enjoy, hot cocoa, a soothing eye mask to place over puffy hurting eyes, and in a separate box some things for the baby (a special box for holding memories, and a silver cross I had intended to give him when he was born). I knew they might not be ready for anything emotional, so I marked that separately.

I may come back to talk here. It has been heartbreaking for me, for all of our family. I can only imagine the pain they feel. To each of you, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, recommendations, and experiences. It means a lot to me.

[lovetobehome]

You all are the best, thank you so much.

Unfortunately, I live 6 hours away, and they have strongly discouraged all family/friends from coming to stay at a hotel nearby. They just want their space. They are not ready for talking, even on the phone, mostly. And we are respecting their wishes.

I have talked with my brother, the daddy, and he is calling again today. His wife is sweet and gentle, and very private, and to my knowledge she is not talking to anyone except her mom. He is taking good care of her, they have a great relationship.

My brother is helped by talking. I am sending them notes each day, and he seems to really, really appreciate that. I sent them a care package of just comfort things- a journal, teas, coffee they enjoy, hot cocoa, a soothing eye mask to place over puffy hurting eyes, and in a separate box some things for the baby (a special box for holding memories, and a silver cross I had intended to give him when he was born). I knew they might not be ready for anything emotional, so I marked that separately.

I may come back to talk here. It has been heartbreaking for me, for all of our family. I can only imagine the pain they feel. To each of you, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, recommendations, and experiences. It means a lot to me.

[happypamama]

I may come back to talk here. It has been heartbreaking for me, for all of our family. I can only imagine the pain they feel. To each of you, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, recommendations, and experiences. It means a lot to me.

 

I'm so sorry. Please do come back here to talk if you need. I found it was kind of strange being the aunt. . . My mom (the grandma) needed my shoulder to lean on, as did my younger sister, and I felt that for their sake, and my children's sake, I needed to be strong. Plus, it wasn't my baby. No matter how hard it was for me, it was nowhere near the same as it was for my brother and SIL. But it was hard. She's always missing from our family gatherings, and she isn't just "some other baby" -- she is my blood relative too. I cried a lot on my husband's shoulder.

 

:grouphug: to your whole family.

[Jerico]

http://mollypiper.com/2008/03/how-to-help-your-grieving-friend/

 

http://mollypiper.com/category/grief/

 

:grouphug:

[blakereese]

I am so sorry. Such a tragic loss, for your whole family. Everyone has had good advice. I do hope your SIL can find a support group either in person, or maybe even online since she is private. It will help her so much, it is something that can be best understood by others who have gone through the same thing.

 

My best advice would be to remember the baby. Send a card on the anniversary of the birth/death, use the name if they had one, maybe send a small gift that recognizes the baby(I have a necklace from this site that is precious to me).

 

There are also some nice ornaments that may be appropriate to give at Christmas. You can mail it to them ahead of time for their tree so they can be alone when opening it, so it isn't a big thing at Christmas with everyone else around (if you celebrate that way). Something like these at etsy. There are many others out there, that is just to give you an idea. I have one a friend bought at cafepress, I think.

 

Just to say, even though they are grieving privately and may not want to talk now or ever, I am sure these kind of things would be appreciated. It is not like they aren't thinking of it 24/7, so you aren't bringing something up that isn't there, and I think it helps to know someone else is thinking of the baby, too. A lot of people do not acknowledge the death.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Again, I am so sorry.

[bookfiend]

This book was recommended to a friend of mine when her first child died from Group B Strep at birth: "Empty Arms," bu Sherokee Isle. http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Arms-Coping-Miscarriage-Stillbirth/dp/0960945660

 

If she's Catholic, there's a ministry for infant loss. http://www.elizabethministry.com/Miscarriage_Child_Loss.html

 

One thing I've learned through talking with so many moms who've lost children -- use the child's name, and talk about him. She's thinking about her baby constantly. You're not "bringing up" something she's forgotten; you're offering her a chance to talk if she wants to. So many people feel uncomfortable and never mention the child again, and this is hurtful to many moms.

 

Hugs to your friend,

 

Lisa

 

This is so true of every type of death..........

[lovetobehome]

Thank you, yes, I asked his name the day he was born, and have been writing to them daily using his sweet name. Part of me was afraid they would not name him, or fully acknowledge him as their son, my nephew, etc. They did though, completely. They named him in part for our grandfather, a really special family name. He'll always be with us, in our hearts, and I don't think I could stop talking about him if I tried. He's my precious little nephew! And though I didn't get to see him or hold him, he is deeply precious to me and always will be. He'll always be a part of our family.

[hana]

I'm sorry for the loss of your precious nephew.

 

:grouphug:

[lovetobehome]

Jen, I appreciate the links you included. I sent them a baptismal cross I had intended for him, and told them they could keep it or give it to him, whichever brought them more comfort. I am not sure how to select jewelry for her, but I may try. And I love the Christmas ornaments. I had just bought them an ornament for Christmas that is now not fitting. The ones you linked will be sweet, thank you.

[tomandlorih]

I agree with those who say to use the name and not forget. One of my favorite sayings is that my son may have been born still but he was still born! If I ever get a mothers ring/necklace I will most definitely include a stone or charm for my son.

 

They are probably in shock now and want to process but will need people/support later. The counselor/grief group is all their emotions can probably handle now.

 

I'm so very sorry that you all have to walk this road. It is not something I wish anyone had to go through. Like any grief, it will get better but never go away. My son would have been 6 last Sunday and I still cannot bring myself to develop the pictures.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug: and prayers for your family.

[macmacmoo]

My Matthew was Stillborn at 38 weeks.

 

I'd recommend a simple craft project (crochet, knitting, tied fleece blanket) and the supplies to make it. I took up smocking and found much peace stitching each stitch. The things I made I donated to the hospital bereavement program. DH knows when I pull out smocking to work on what's on my mind and gives me space.

 

We cremated him. His ashes are in a small heart urn that has his name birth date and "a moment in our hands, forever in our hearts" the urn came with a teddy bear that houses the urn and on the foot of he bear says forever in My heart. It's nice having the bear.

[PrincessMommy]

Matushka Jenny Schroedel has a website: Naming the Child for those who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss.

 

I have a friend who lost her only child through miscarriage 7yrs ago. One of the sweet ladies on the Ortho-Homeschooling group gave me a prayer to share with her. Even though my friend wasn't Orthodox it brought her great comfort.