What to say when someone asks you...

[6packofun]

I would just say, "Do I have to know right *now*?"

[txmommyofboys]

"however many I want and can afford."

[Jean in Newcastle]

I never understand why these type of questions are so upsetting to people. My years on WTM forums have rendered me nearly mute in social settings....never knowing what to say or if it will freak.someone. out.

 

Answer however you want, however you feel. People are just interested and trying to make conversation.

 

It isn't any of their business. You're asking about something that I have no control over or else is a bedroom or a medical issue.

[Scarlett]

It isn't any of their business. You're asking about something that I have no control over or else is a bedroom or a medical issue.

 

And still. It is just conversation. If I respond with a shrug of sorts and they keep on wanting details then yes they are being rude....but a general 'how many kids do you want?'....really? That is rude?

 

I had my only child when I was almost 35. I longed for him for a decade. When people asked me about children or why I didn't have any I never felt irritated at them or that they were 'minding my business'. I answered honestly...' I want a child badly and I hope I get one.'

 

I just don't get why basic questions about family are so taboo. It isn't as if they are asking 'how often do you have sex and what position do you try?'

[BakersDozen]

but a general 'how many kids do you want?'....really? That is rude?

I don't see that particular question as rude but I do find it a bit more awkward if it is worded along the lines of, "How many dc will you have?" Anything that presents the ability to get and stay pg as something as easy as placing an order for a Thanksgiving turkey (to borrow a PP's example) is strange.

 

I find other comments to be far more rude ("You know what causes that, right?"; "Better you than me!").

[Jean in Newcastle]

And still. It is just conversation. If I respond with a shrug of sorts and they keep on wanting details then yes they are being rude....but a general 'how many kids do you want?'....really? That is rude?

 

I had my only child when I was almost 35. I longed for him for a decade. When people asked me about children or why I didn't have any I never felt irritated at them or that they were 'minding my business'. I answered honestly...' I want a child badly and I hope I get one.'

 

I just don't get why basic questions about family are so taboo. It isn't as if they are asking 'how often do you have sex and what position do you try?'

 

But it often isn't a simple "how many kids do you want" in the sense of what are your dreams - like you would ask a child "what do you want to be when you grow up".

 

When I was first married, I was told that I was unable to have children. People would ask me, "Do you have any children?" No problem. That was making conversation. So I would answer, "No." And they would ask me the follow up question, "Why not?" What? That isn't just making conversation any more! I would be asked, "Are you trying?" I finally snapped one night and told someone that I was infertile. I thought it would shame them into silence on what was obviously a very difficult subject for me. Do you know what they said next? "Are you going to go in vitro?" Again. . . I don't see that as just making conversation any more. It is a totally different thing if I'm talking to one of my friends and bring up the topic myself. Then they can ask me follow up questions to their heart's content.

 

Later, when I was able to get pregnant after all, I would get the "Are you going to have another one?" OK - I think the question is a bit forward but I can play it as small talk by making a laughing comment like "We'll see if God gives us another". But people wouldn't leave it at that. There was always the follow up question that crossed the line in my opinion. "When are you going to have your next one?" "Are you trying again?" In my opinion it's the follow up questions that are usually more intrusive and rude.

 

And the "do you know what causes all those kids" questions that parents of large families get - I didn't get that because we only had two children - but that isn't just making conversation. Obviously unless someone is totally clueless, we know how babies are made. And the unspoken parallel to that question is "How could you keep popping babies out?" And that is not a question but a judgment.

[LucyStoner]

I recall reading in an advice column about saying something absurd to make the point they were being rude jerks without saying those precise words. One example was to deadpan "well with the price of meat so frightfully high, we have decided to raise our own."

 

It stuck me as potentially highly effective.

[LucyStoner]

And still. It is just conversation. If I respond with a shrug of sorts and they keep on wanting details then yes they are being rude....but a general 'how many kids do you want?'....really? That is rude?

 

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I just don't get why basic questions about family are so taboo. It isn't as if they are asking 'how often do you have sex and what position do you try?'

 

It can be pretty insensitive and usually IME is not asked by people who are good conversationalists and just interested. Often it comes with comments on the gender split or a out how it is too few or too many. Or just a pretty prying judgmental question.

 

Example. I lost more than a few pregnancies when we were trying to have our second. As such there is a 5.5 year age gap. If we are not on intimate enough terms for me to say I just had yet another loss, the question "so, why don't you have another?" or "do you want another child?" is a land mine. Or "when are you trying for a girl?" after my younger son was born. Boy, girl, Stuart Little, green Martian...after my years of loss, I would not have cared what we had. I have had another loss since then. I am hardly alone.

 

There are better things to talk about, period.

 

IRL, I tend to be talkative but private with personal matters Frankly I do find such questions to be as rude as asking me how I like to have sex.

[PIE!]

"Why ruin the surprise?"

[TengoFive]

Ouch. I can see where someone being overly intrusive deserves to be put in their place, but this comment has the potential to seriously hurt someone who is struggling with infertility. :glare:

 

 

I'd like to think I can discern when a comment would be hurtful and when its appropriate to the situation, especially since I've had a number of miscarriages, most before I had kids. I wouldn't say that to anyone who says that, but there's a wide range of people I get that comment from, some very kind and some not so nice. You learn to read the sentiment behind the words when you hear the same words so many times.

 

I think what's not being said on this thread is most people with lots of kids get these comments several times a day in a variety of circumstances. There are certain comments that seem innocuous when written on an online forum, but in a real life situation you can read nuances and see the attitude behind the words. When you've had the same conversation 200 times before, you kind of know where its going with the phrasing of the first statement. There's so much you can't communicate online, and this is one of those things.

[Mama2Many4]

As many as the Lord sees fit to bless me with.

[La Condessa]

I never understand why these type of questions are so upsetting to people. My years on WTM forums have rendered me nearly mute in social settings....never knowing what to say or if it will freak.someone. out.

 

Answer however you want, however you feel. People are just interested and trying to make conversation.

 

I don't mind at all when the asker is friendly or neutral about it. It's when the questions and comments come with eye rolls, glares, or obvious annoyance or distaste that they are unwelcome.

 

My weirdest encounter of this kind was about a month ago, when an old lady in a restaurant seemed absolutely shocked when I said that no, we were not done even though the baby was a boy. She asked me why (with an expression of shock), and when I said that we love our kids and want a large family, proceeded to try to convince me otherwise! She was going on and on about how, "Well I guess maybe that's alright for really, really wealthy people, but don't you know that it costs over two hundred thousand dollars to raise a child" and on and on and on. I kept trying to disengage with polite, pat answers, and she just kept on going. I finally interrupted her with, "Well, it was nice to meet you." and walked out.

[Impish]

I think there's a huge diff btwn an attempt to make convo, and ppl prying, or making judgemental, unpleasant comments.

 

It's often in the delivery of the comment.

 

I mean, we have ppl totally aghast when they find out we have 5 kids.

We have ppl who tell us big families are wonderful.

 

They can make the exact. same. comment. but it's the tone, the facial expression that makes the difference.

 

ie:

 

Wow. You guys have a big family :glare: (delivered w/a frown, disapproving/snarky tone)

 

Wow! You guys have a big family! :D (big grin, happy tone)

 

There's no mistaking which is which.

 

And yeah, I *do* think that asking if a cpl is done having kids IS personal and intrusive. I mean, what biz is it of anyone but the cpl?

 

I wouldn't ask that question of *anyone* regardless of if they have 0 kids or 12.

[Rebecca VA]

I don't think that's a question to get offended about. Maybe they mean, "How many children do you hope to have?" That's certainly within the realm of polite conversation topics.

[SKL]

"How many kids do you plan to have" strikes me as weird because it's something nobody really has control over. It's like seriously asking someone "how much money do you want to make" or "how long do you plan to live." Who could answer any of those with a straight face?

 

When I was young I thought I'd have about 6 kids, and ended up only adopting 2. My mom thought she'd have 2 and ended up with 6. (When someone said something rude about it, my mom's comment was "which one of them should I shove back in?")

[cin]

 

As a parent of one, I get equal grief. But it is more of the "when are you having another?" variety, followed by horror at my cruelty when I say that we're done.

 

Having been diagnosed with infertility of unknown origin, I would never ask a person with one child why they aren't having more. I know people with 1 child,who, for various reasons, are mourning the loss of their fertility just as much as I was mourning my infertility, with no children.

 

 

I have 2 adopted girls, both from Asia. I am about as Caucasian as they come. And I get looks and questions about our family. Why did I adopt? What a wonderful, selfless act it is to adopt (yeah, right. I did it for me, not for them!) And my favorite: strangers asking me if I couldn't have children. Um, my womb is NOT up for discussion anymore than your hemorrhoids are. What? You don't have hemorrhoids? Surprising, since you seem like a real pain the a$$!

 

I especially like this conversation in front of my children. Yeah, you guys were choice 3 & 4. :rolleyes:

[Mommy22alyns]

It's not like I get asked this a lot, with just 2 kids, but I generally just say we're pretty sure we're done because I had a hard time with Sylvia. I don't get offended, but I'm sure I also don't get rude comments because of our family size.

 

I did get asked ONE time if we were going to try for a boy (when Sylvia was a newborn, in her carrier). :glare: Um, NO.

[countrygal]

Thanks for all you replies!! I think a lot of times people ask to make conversation but when you ask if 10 will be enough for me.... that's just rude! As if I'm not completely in love with the 4 I have! I get these comments every.place.I.go! I don't need to be told "Wow, you have your hands full!" I already know that! And sometimes people offer to help, which is nice. I think I might just have to say "Why do you ask?" Puts it on her plate.

 

Some of you had some great answers!!!!! I needed a laugh. I gotta go, my husband just walked in;) 9 months and 30 minutes...