Strategies for handling complaining and lack of effort

[nmariec23]

How do you deal with a complaining and grumbling attitude? DS 12 complains about most of the schoolwork he has to do. This is our 4th year homeschooling and over the course of the past 3 years, I've tried teaching differently, different curriculums, etc., in an effort to cater to his specific learning style. I've found that regardless of what curriculum or method we use, he still complains about the work. This year I've determined to choose our curriculum based on what I think is best and just let him know that this is what we're going to use no matter how he feels about it. As I said, changing curriculums or styles hasn't made a difference in the attitude. In fact, I think it's only encouraged him to complain more in the hopes that I'll abandon the work and try something new. What are some ways you deal with complaining? Also, he lacks motivation to give his best effort. Not all of the time... but most of the time. He is always looking for direction from me and I feel like he's just trying to get me to give him answers. He's a very bright kid and is perfectly capable. I feel like I'm being manipulated a bit:sad:

[abbeyej]

My first thought, on reading your subject was, "Smack 'im upside da head!" ;) But I suspect that's not helpful advice. ;)

 

Really, I think you're probably on the right track. A lot of times we parents get sucked into this belief that our kids should "love" school and think it's "fun" right off the bat -- and that all of that is equivalent to our ultimate goal that they "love learning". ... But the thing is, often times the day-to-day of school *is* hard work. And it's not always "fun". ... But you do the work, day after day, and you learn some interesting things, and one day you make a connection on your own without any prompting, and you go, "Wow! That was pretty cool! I wonder if..." And that's when the "love of learning" starts to come in.

 

It doesn't have to be, "Wow, I can't wait to sit down and do this worksheet!" every day. ... And, um, sorry, but young adolescents tend to be less openly positive about school work than other ages anyway. ;) He might just complain no matter how he feels!

 

I think you're generally on the right track. Pick the stuff that you think is *best*. Teach it with love and enthusiasm and consistency. Make your expectations of him clear. ... If he fails to meet those expectations, he needs to repeat the work until he does. ... Don't let him trick you into taking the path of least resistance and letting him off the hook! And yes, lol, sometimes they know perfectly well that if they balk enough, it's easier for us to give them the answers or move on to the next thing.

 

Expect him to treat you with the same courtesy and respect at school time that you would expect at any other time. You don't really *care* if he loves brushing his teeth, right? You make sure he's supplied with a decent tooth brush and toothpaste, you remind him to brush when necessary, and you wouldn't take "I don't like to" as a response. ...

[Miss Marple]

Expect him to treat you with the same courtesy and respect at school time that you would expect at any other time. You don't really *care* if he loves brushing his teeth, right? You make sure he's supplied with a decent tooth brush and toothpaste, you remind him to brush when necessary, and you wouldn't take "I don't like to" as a response. ...

 

Exactly! And I would add that every one of my boys reached that attitude at about that same age. I've discovered over the years that many boys that age begin looking for a challenge or some competition. If they have no other outlet for that, they may become a bit antagonistic during the day.

 

If you haven't already done so, you might consider providing him an outlet where he can compete with other boys his age (or impress some girls :) ) - sports, academic co-op, art, etc. You might find him more willing to get his school work done. My boys embraced academics more readily after we started attending a co-op. They also preferred getting kudos from other teachers than mom :p and they did better work when they knew other kids would be seeing it.

 

Hang in there - this too shall pass :)

[HecticMama]

Thanks for that message. My 11 yo daughter lacks motivation as well. I keep hoping to see a change, but nothing yet.

[KAM]

I get quite a bit of complaining from both dd11 and ds9. It's really hard to take and stresses me out quite a bit....so I have instituted a no complaining policy: Do the work, don't complain to me. Complain inside your head all you want :glare:. I will ignore one small grumble, but if it progresses beyond that the work gets moved to homework status and you can do it with Dad after dinner.

 

Not exactly my most popular rule, but it gets the job done-especially since after dinner is their time to play video games with Dad. I have four kids I'm trying to teach and I find it very demoralizing to listen to a lot of whining, not to mention it's setting a bad example for the younger two. I choose things I think they will enjoy, I do my best to make it enjoyable-that's really all I can do.

 

I have also made a point of saying if there is a legitimate concern over the material or they have a different idea of how to approach a subject, I am all ears, as long as it it broached in a calm and respectful manner.

[Susan of Croton]

As a newcomer to the fora here, I just wanted to say how extremely reassuring it is to read postings from other people who have walked these paths before. Thanks for sharing.

[ChrissySC]

Motivation is a key in our house. As they get older, they all begin to drag and moan. This is my second time all the way through, and we are reaching the sixth grade. I take everything first thing in the morning, but music. Music can be played aloud the entire time that they are working. If you remember, at our prehistoric ages when we attended middle school, we had developed that affinity for music as well. It seems to curb the drudgery. I will not allow it played aloud at any other time. :D DD is usually done in about 5 to 6 hours. It depends on how side-tracked she gets with the content in front of her. History and science are culprits that lean themselves toward distraction. Ask me - it will take us two years to finish history and science, LOL. I am guilty too!

 

I suppose that I mean that it isn't the work that you should look at closely but the environment maybe. This always made a difference here. We even lay outside for grammar in the spring or fall. Something that varies the environment is always well received.

[CupOCoffee]

I only have one that complains. She complains that I give her too much work. I do not even give the amount that I think I *should* be giving, and she still complains, drags her feet, and gives up too easily ("I can't find the answer", "I don't know how to..."). When it gets really bad, I tell her to ask her friends who go to PS how long they spend in each "class" and how much homework they bring home....

 

I also have no qualms about reminding her that if she thinks I am too harsh, mean, give too much work -- she can go off to PS, but it would mean some HUGE changes in her life: no more staying up late with Daddy; barely seeing me once I get home from work and get dinner, baths, etc out of the way; no more taking a day off because we have something fun to do or because I take off work; no more rabbit trails, because you have to learn what the teacher tells you to learn and that's it.

 

Those things also snap her back into perspective.

[ktgrok]

I have two things I do. First though, i explain that he doesn't have to like it, but he does have to do it, and he does have to be polite. Rudeness is not allowed. Then, if he continues to complain I remind him that he must need practice doing this politely, so he can do more problems until he can do it politely. OR, and honestly, often this works better, I just send him to his room to do the work. Once there isn't an audience for his whining and complaining the work gets done much faster.

[fiddle]

I also have no qualms about reminding her that if she thinks I am too harsh, mean, give too much work -- she can go off to PS, but it would mean some HUGE changes in her life

 

:iagree:

 

My rising 7th grader who used to love school seems to have this the "everything is boring" stage and a lack of motivation/wanting to complain, also. This past year was her first year hs'ing and she remembers what it is like in ps. In our household with me working full-time, hs'ing is a privilege for her (her younger sis is SN and a different story b/c she really needs to hs) and I remind her that it takes us as a team to get things done. In our house, that means she's working with me at night & on weekends....which is why she complains. But even *with* working during those hours on school, she's still far better off than her peers going to ps as far as the amount of free time she has to devote to other interests (like her art & horseback riding).

 

I'm glad to know it's not just me. This kid used to LOVE school. I thought maybe hs'ing this past year killed her love of school and I somehow had failed her, but now I realize it's actually more just her age and hormones. :D

 

Paula

[Pink and Green Mom]

OR, and honestly, often this works better, I just send him to his room to do the work. Once there isn't an audience for his whining and complaining the work gets done much faster.

 

 

:iagree: Or I walk out of the school room where he can't see me. "He" being my 11 year old, foot-dragging, 2 hour sentence writing, rising 5th grader.

 

Also, I remember from a SWB lecture, if they say they don't understand have them read the directions out loud. Rather than do that, DS will say "oh yeah, I remember how to do it now.":glare:

[laundrycrisis]

Ours lose their hour of Minecraft for the day if they grumble, complain and whine during school work time.

[ktgrok]

:iagree: Or I walk out of the school room where he can't see me. "He" being my 11 year old, foot-dragging, 2 hour sentence writing, rising 5th grader.

 

Also, I remember from a SWB lecture, if they say they don't understand have them read the directions out loud. Rather than do that, DS will say "oh yeah, I remember how to do it now.":glare:

 

Oh yes...that happens ALL THE TIME.

[ChrissySC]

I understand the need for consequences.. However, have you not wondered why they do it? I do not think that in many instances that it is direct disobedience or defiance, but has some underlying cause. No, they don't have to like what they are doing, but why are they resisting?

 

Just thinking .... Consider behavior modification over punshing behavior. I do not like to punish for school, but I am guilty of doing it too. The grade is consequence enough, or at least this is what I reason. I suppose that I am wondering that we should have more of a motivation to curb and modify this type of behavior because we work one-on-one with our children. As I mentioned, many times it is the need to change the environment, including but not limited to the resources that are in use. We can do as we please. We don't have to use Rod and Staff. We don't have to use traditional math textbooks either. I thought this was why we homeschooled. Am I wrong? I forget who posted, but I was reading on the hive about "fun" school. I actually went out this year and dove through my RR book and various others and their web sites to find these things. I wanted a twist on the traditional setting. I have a responsibility to teach study skills and test taking, but how the content is delivered can vary greatly and is at my discretion!

 

I thought about this a lot of the last few days. Even considering the age of resistance where boredom appears to be a factor in our day-to-day lessons and activities. I suppose that our own adult days typically vary to such a great extent that I can see where the child/student would find the work tedious and tendous at the very least over time.

 

I am sure that their mind says: Every sentence? Every problem? Every page? Why not two sentences? Why not 5 problems? Why not use an audio books instead? Why can't I just read the selection? Why do I have to do a word search?

 

Perhaps reward versus consequence? I know that this is all in perception, but consider it. I am doing a fitness track for work. I will be rewarded for my activity and not punsihed. I am more likely to do something versus nothing, and maybe even more to compete.

 

So, what are some out-of-the-box ways to handle or to modify when the child/student starts this after several years of schooling?

 

Correct me if you think perhaps I missed something. I just wanted to toss out what I was thinking in hopes of some pollination. :D It has been weighted heavily in my thoughts.

 

ETA: With all of the focus on lessons, do you spend enough mom-kid-time with them? I know some days are just consumed, but .....

 

I work so our time is limited regardless. I'll just bet that a more focused concentration on them as your child might help improve attitudes too. I can't say for sure, but I notice that the more hugs I give before school with a good amount of mom-praising helps to change the day! OK, it is manipulation to a large extent, but hey! It works!

Edited August 16, 2012 by ChrissySC

[PeterPan]

Probably spittin' in the air here, since the op didn't take the time to come back and reply, but my two observations are:

 

1--Sometimes kids who complain and act demotivated or who are frustrating to work with actually have an underlying reason. Could just be the age and hormones. If it has been going on for 4 years, my personal suggestion is to do a little investigating. Might be a vision problem or a bit of an attention problem or something else going on.

2--If you've tried options and none of them were options that were going to fit him, then it still wouldn't matter. Sometimes the problem is needing to open your mind to an option that wasn't on your list. That's not what some people wanna hear.

[cat_cornish]

Love love love reading these posts:) I feel like i am not alone! We have met the hormone dilemma and a couple of things we have done to help our situation are:

 

1 Speak to my 11 yr old less like a toddler and more like an adult ut what is expected of her and why, (my husband's idea) and this really helps. She responds well to this.

 

2 Start our day with full bellies:)

 

3 Begin each school day with morning prayers and daily reading (we are Catholic). This is when attitudes really improved!

 

4 Have lessons outside whenever possible and get fresh air.

 

This doesn't mean my kids aren't dreading this school year. It is a hormone thing and that is all. I tell them they can do the work happily or all upset about it, has to get done either way.

 

I bought a box curriculum this year from Memoria Press for my 4th and 6th graders to take some of the stress of me and curriculum searching etc. Lesson plans are laid out for us & everyone knows what they have to do:) I let my 6th grader see the plans, she takes it better from a piece of paper than her mom as to her instructions for the day! Also, I hope to have more mom time this way outside of lessons because I am not on the computer researching curriculum.

 

We usually do year round schooling but we took the past summer off and I got back in touch with being just the mom and it was wonderful. My 11 yr old loves to bake and we did that together. My son & I shot arrows together. Seems to be less fun time these past couple of years because of schooling. I think we will take lengthy Christmas breaks and summer holidays again!

 

God Bless all the moms on this path and on this calling. The sheer fact that we are on this forum says we care enough to give them the best. Don't let those hormones beat you!!

 

I also bought a prayer book for mothers after I bought my curriculum:)

Peace,

Catherine

[cat_cornish]

and I forgot to mention one other thing we do which helps with attitude - this one is more important to my 9yr old than 11 yr old...... I bribe them with 1 hour of game time on Fridays for acing spelling tests and having good attitudes all week.

 

I stand very firm on this and don't give game time away lightly, so there were tears in the beginning while they figured out exactly what good attitude towards Mom and school work was acceptable.

[janainaz]

I have never changed curriculum over whining. My kids don't even know anything else exists outside what is in front of them. Once I select a curriculum, it's what we use. I choose carefully, and if I understand it, I can teach it.

 

When I first started homeschooling 7 years ago, I had a lot of trouble with my son in first grade. He whined and cried all the time. My dh told me to take the emotion out of it. It was the best advice I've ever received. School was just what we did, and as I became more confident in my decisions, my son became more secure.

 

My ds is 12, and he is moody and emotional. I definitely see a difference in him. We have signed him up for more physical activity because he seems to need it. He pushes my buttons all day long - although some days are better than others. Normally, he's a sweet and gentle kid who really does not give me a hard time. He does his school work, but I need a lot of time-outs lately. Up until now, there's only been one hormonal mess in my house - and that's me. I guess I better make room! :001_smile:

[Country Mouse]

Probably spittin' in the air here, since the op didn't take the time to come back and reply,

 

Not at all, because others are listening! This thread has given me food for thought. Thanks to all who have posted. Lots of great wisdom.

[nmariec23]

Wow! Some great responses. Thanks a ton to everyone who replied. I didn't disappear and meant to respond earlier, but I have 3 younger kids (4, 2 and 4 mos) who seem to need something at exactly the time I sit down at the computer. I'm sure you all know how that is.

 

You have all given me a lot of things to consider. In reading your input, I gather that this can be a pretty normal occurrence for kids at this age group. Also, I have realized I need to take responsibility for the ways in which I contributed to the problem... being inconsistent, giving in frequently because of whining and changing things at his request. As a previous poster said, taking the emotion out of it is key.

 

Baby is crying for mom. Gotta run, but I'll be back to check on these posts again soon.

[KarenNC]

Can you pass off any of the instruction to Dad? I have heard from friends with boys that the dynamic between boys and moms in terms of authority really gets challenging at this age and as they move into their teens. You may also consider something like a dvd-based course.

 

For my daughter, who does a lot more of this sort of thing than I would like, I've tried making some changes in the areas that are the most prone to us butting heads. I acknowledge that the pig-headed gene is dominant in my family and that it comes through me :D! I use the Art Reed videos for math, for instance, and we're trying an outside class for writing. She seems to be motivated by competition and I expect will take correction about her writing better from someone else. I have also moved to giving her more independent work and some flexibility in how she paces work as long as it's done by a specific deadline. That curbs my impatience with a day when she wants to take half an hour on a single math problem as well as taking away her ''audience," as someone else said.

[Wee Pip]

Probably spittin' in the air here, since the op didn't take the time to come back and reply, but my two observations are:

 

1--Sometimes kids who complain and act demotivated or who are frustrating to work with actually have an underlying reason. Could just be the age and hormones. If it has been going on for 4 years, my personal suggestion is to do a little investigating. Might be a vision problem or a bit of an attention problem or something else going on.

2--If you've tried options and none of them were options that were going to fit him, then it still wouldn't matter. Sometimes the problem is needing to open your mind to an option that wasn't on your list. That's not what some people wanna hear.

 

OhElizabeth - can you elaborate on item #2 please? I'm just coming back from a forum break, so haven't been reading messages until now. I'm trying to understand my almost 12yo dd, who has never liked academics. Whenever I give her the personality quizzes, she tends to fall more into the structured, workbook category, but boy - she hates workbooks! She only tolerates workbooks if it means getting it done faster. I'm really trying to think outside of the box this year, but I'm not entirely sure what that means for her. I keep trying to get her input, but her response is mostly "I hate school", which isn't helpful. She has picked her own Math & Spelling programs, which were the programs she likes the most (but likes is such a strong word). I'm not sure whether I should be throwing organized learning to the wind and just pull out the Monopoly game board each day, or what :001_huh: For now, it is a balance of: you have to do math, language arts, science, and history - but you have some freedom on how you do those subjects. I've been incorporating in Art and Science Experiments (her loves) 1-2 times per week, and also tying in cool things like horse riding lessons. I'm pooped, though, lol. Not sure what I haven't tried yet.

 

ETA: I want to clarify WHY I'm asking...sometimes I think we (parents) are so close to the situation, that something really obvious is NOT obvious to us, kwim? When you mention trying something that isn't on "the list", I think sometimes we have trouble thinking outside of that list, and don't really even know what's possible. So, I keep going in circles, trying to figure out that obvious thing that I'm missing:)

Edited August 24, 2012 by Wee Pip
clarification

[TheApprentice]

We have a no complaining policy. I have 3 boys and they get one warning if they complain, whine, play, jump excessive random noises, etc. anything that is counterproductive to learning. After that warning, there are no screens for the remainder of the day (xbox, tv, ipod touches, older son's laptop). This is their current currency and it is working. It is very quite during our lessons now.:001_smile: This was implemented this year (we started 4 weeks ago) and it took about 3 days for them to realize I.am.serious.

[MAIMOM]

 

 

 

ETA: With all of the focus on lessons, do you spend enough mom-kid-time with them? I know some days are just consumed, but .....

 

OK, it is manipulation to a large extent, but hey! It works!

 

I would say this is a huge factor. Kids need to have love tanks full and many times in my focus to get things "done" I forget to enjoy being with them. As I remember to fill their love tank attitudes improve by leaps and bounds!

{Book five love languages of kids talks a lot about this concept }

[MAIMOM]

Wee Pip I do think this is a foggy stage for kids. Both of my teens changed when they hit 12...before they had been so helpful and wonderful...Dr Dobson calls it the call before the storm (ages 8-11). I was going crazy wondering what happened.:001_huh:

Now they are 15 and 16 and I see a huge difference. Looking back I think it took them about 2 years to go through the fog of adolescents. :tongue_smilie:

Things I found helpful

1. keep a clearly defined structure helped a lot and

2. I also used writing out scripture as discipline. I would pull out the verse about "do everything without complaining" or look up proverbs that talked about attitudes. Dad required them to write it very neatly or redo it.

3.a quiet and peaceful atmosphere...we used praise music to set the tone each day...instrumental mostly.

4. I reminded myself daily that this too would pass. My job was to keep building one day at a time, encouraging the 1 step forward and keeping hope in the 2 steps back as my new teens navigated the huge transition on the way to adulthood.

 

I once heard referenced as a second toddler hood. They said what ever the childs area of challenge was as a 2 or 3 year old that may be there challenge as a 12 yr old. My daughters mouth to include tone of voice has always been her area for greatest improvement. It remained constant. Just knowing it was normal helped me to maintain some calm....although I must say I had my own days of frustration with their "tudes".

 

This has been a good reminder for me. I have another one going to be 11 soon......oh no the rapids are on their way again to our house :lol:

[bethben]

I too have the 12 year old woes. He is trying his hardest to do the bare minimum. My plan right now is to do his work (history in this instance) with him and show him what is expected. If he continues to do the bare minimum, he will spend the weekend not with his friends, but with his schoolwork.

 

The other thing that works is having his little sister who didn't sleep well the night before have all day screaming fits. For some reason, this brings out his "good cop" attitude.:glare:

 

Beth

[kalanamak]

This is really cropping up for us right now. I give a warning. Then I give a very low-voiced, gritted teeth warning. Then I assign more work. When he does have a good day, I make sure and praise him to his father (with him in ear shot but not in the room. He currently hates it if I praise him to his face.)

 

Every now and then I give him reminder of all the things I do that I don't have fits of joy over (laundry, etc), and that a chipper attitude goes a long ways to making it go faster. Sometimes he agrees with me.

 

The thing that is most aggravating is his missing a problem, and then getting snappy and snippy if I try to work through it to see the error. He would like to bury all errors like a cat buries her business in the litter pan. I can't tell if it is pride or the dread of reworking a problem, but I find I have to talk lower and slower to keep my temper. He hates that, too. :confused:

[PeterPan]

OhElizabeth - can you elaborate on item #2 please? I'm just coming back from a forum break, so haven't been reading messages until now. I'm trying to understand my almost 12yo dd, who has never liked academics. Whenever I give her the personality quizzes, she tends to fall more into the structured, workbook category, but boy - she hates workbooks! She only tolerates workbooks if it means getting it done faster. I'm really trying to think outside of the box this year, but I'm not entirely sure what that means for her. I keep trying to get her input, but her response is mostly "I hate school", which isn't helpful. She has picked her own Math & Spelling programs, which were the programs she likes the most (but likes is such a strong word). I'm not sure whether I should be throwing organized learning to the wind and just pull out the Monopoly game board each day, or what :001_huh: For now, it is a balance of: you have to do math, language arts, science, and history - but you have some freedom on how you do those subjects. I've been incorporating in Art and Science Experiments (her loves) 1-2 times per week, and also tying in cool things like horse riding lessons. I'm pooped, though, lol. Not sure what I haven't tried yet.

 

ETA: I want to clarify WHY I'm asking...sometimes I think we (parents) are so close to the situation, that something really obvious is NOT obvious to us, kwim? When you mention trying something that isn't on "the list", I think sometimes we have trouble thinking outside of that list, and don't really even know what's possible. So, I keep going in circles, trying to figure out that obvious thing that I'm missing:)

 

I'm not sure I have much wisdom to add, since your list looks pretty reasonable. When the answer isn't changing what you're using, sometimes it's changing how you're using it. Does she have a daily or weekly checklist so she can get in and get out with her work? You said she wants to be in/out fast. Some of us have been talking about using a highlighter on WWS to make it more independent. There are some things like that you can do. That might appeal to that need for structure you're identifying.

 

Some of it is just watching her for clues. When she's saying she hates it, she could mean something totally different like that she wishes she had 2 hour days the way her friend up the road has who uses xyz other curriculum. (my dd does that) Sometimes they mean they hate being bugged by their siblings or feel held back. And sometimes yes it's hormones. So just fish around and see what you can figure out.

 

Sometimes what you can do is loosen up one thing and let her own it, so it becomes not even really school but her thing. The rest you keep tight and tidy. The thing you loosen up would be the subject she likes. My dd loves history, so I'm loose on that. If she loves lit, then that's one to loosen up on.

 

Maybe there are some dynamic things too, like whether she's a morning person or a really slow riser, whether she senses a conflict between her required schedule and what she'd like to do. Just fish around.

 

I mean it's sort of a nebulous question: come to the oracle, rub, and we'll tell you the problem. :lol:

 

I hope you figure it out. It has chilled out on my dd (for the moment? the week? the month?), but I think it's a combo, at least for us, of loosening up a LOT where I can, eliminating things that were bugging her that needed to be given a voice, and having lots of CLEAR STRUCTURE. It's all on a checklist, clear, upfront. So maybe that will give you some ideas. And she was blessed with a new friend this year. Social is probably the hardest part to calm, because you can't pull people out of thin air. Anyways, that's where we're at.

[Wee Pip]

Thanks OhElizabeth for checking in! After I posted the question, I read this thread here -

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?t=419289

and figured you sort of answered it :) For example, using the science labs and skipping the textbook (but maybe adding in the textbook later, once the labs are grasped). I've been considering this because dd also has a very strong hands-on element to her personality (but it never shows up in the personality quizzes because she is a very still person that doesn't move much, she's content to just sit there like a bump on a log). I worried that if we removed the textbook element, it wouldn't be very robust learning and she wouldn't be prepared for the drudgeries of high school...BUT if she isn't learning from a textbook anyway, what difference does it make? At least this way, she might be learning something and laying that foundation for understanding textbooks later.

 

Some of us have been talking about using a highlighter on WWS to make it more independent.

 

Yes, read that and we're doing that THIS WEEK!

Last year, I was really good at having everything organized by Sunday night. Lately, family needs have made it impossible to find time to draw up a chart of school subjects. But organization is so crucial!

 

Sometimes what you can do is loosen up one thing and let her own it, so it becomes not even really school but her thing. The rest you keep tight and tidy. The thing you loosen up would be the subject she likes. My dd loves history, so I'm loose on that. If she loves lit, then that's one to loosen up on.

 

That's what's bugging me: she has no subject that she loves and is really good at. Her little sister takes history books to bed, so I know that one has history no matter what I do. But there is no academic subject that the older one likes. She likes to cook, paint/draw, and watch certain shows ad nauseum with subtitles turned on (she likes to see the words - so there's spelling and vocab for you!). She likes to read at bedtime and in the morning, but finding *just the right book* is tricky (so not a lover of lit, although sometimes I get lucky and can interest her in something lit-worthy). She likes art this year, but NOT famous artists, or art history, or art whatever...she doesn't even really care for the project books as much - just wants to paint for awhile. I think she is going through that negative adolescent funk. Shoot, I did nothing but read Sweet Valley High books at her age, so I guess there are worse things. There's my ugly public confession. Luckily, I outgrew it the next year and found a love for ancient history. So I remain hopeful for this child. Anyhow, she hates schoolwork, but I do have to say that I am proud of her curric choices for herself. I showed her a bazillion different math choices, and she actually stayed away from the easy-looking maths, and chose something challenging. She wants to stay on that path for pre-algebra, even though I've warned her that it is a rather challenging curric. She hates math, it is her most hated subject, but she tends to want math that isn't too easy (but not too hard, either). Same thing for Spelling - not her fav subject. She chose Sequential Spelling, but found level 2 was too easy, so together we opted for SS adult. We laid out the plan to finish it by end of 8th grade and be done with it. So...even though she hates academics and complains horribly, lol, she is owning some things. I think I should just realize that this is a negative phase as she figures out who she is, and we just get through.

 

Now they are 15 and 16 and I see a huge difference. Looking back I think it took them about 2 years to go through the fog of adolescents.

 

Maimom, this is encouraging:) I do think this is an age of figuring out who they are as people, and who they want to become.

 

The other thing that works is having his little sister who didn't sleep well the night before have all day screaming fits. For some reason, this brings out his "good cop" attitude.

 

Beth, this is so true! I find when one kid is being awful, at least one other kid is sweet as can be (hands folded in lap, halo around head).

[AuntPol]

Wee Pip-

 

I have a daughter just like that. Nothing academic interests her. NOTHING!!!!!! She likes fashion, cooking, doing crafts, only likes to read fluff books, etc. I tried creating courses around her interests -history of fashion instead of history, cooking science for science, etc and that was a bomb. It was still a chore.

 

This year (8th grade) she will do her work without complaints but we are still working on effort.

 

what works with her:

-check off sheet so she knows exactly what she has to do

-make her read aloud if she claims to not understand (she hates it)

-knowledge that I have no problem sending her to public school (she is the one who doesn't want to go)

-Complaints-one freebie a day, then give me computer, IPAD and phone. Then if it continues, no dance that day

 

-If she can't narrate or misses easy/obvious (Or multiple) questions (because she likes to pretend to read), then she has to reread to me aloud or reread and write a narration.

 

And most importantly (yet hardest for me to do and I fail more often and not) is to not loose my temper or get pulled into her dramatics.

[EppieJ]

I once heard referenced as a second toddler hood. They said what ever the childs area of challenge was as a 2 or 3 year old that may be there challenge as a 12 yr old.

 

 

Love your whole post, but had to laugh at this! :lol: Many years ago, I worked with a Kindergarten teacher who told me much the same thing- there is no difference between a 3 yo, a 13 yo, a 23 yo.... We all go through cycles.

 

Thanks for you post. It's helpful to me because my ds is rapidly approaching 12 and I can see some changes coming. Some days he's very much a "little kid"; other days he seems older than his years. It's an interesting ride!

 

This year should be pretty good, tho, because we've lightened the load and allowed ds to choose some unit study topics that he's interested in. Science and History as separate subjects has been thrown to the wind this year, but the unit studies ds chose will incorporate some of that (should I be worried that my 11 yo boy wants to study genetics?:001_huh:)

 

Anyway, thanks again!

[Professormom]

I get quite a bit of complaining from both dd11 and ds9. It's really hard to take and stresses me out quite a bit....so I have instituted a no complaining policy: Do the work, don't complain to me. Complain inside your head all you want :glare:. I will ignore one small grumble, but if it progresses beyond that the work gets moved to homework status and you can do it with Dad after dinner.

 

Not exactly my most popular rule, but it gets the job done-especially since after dinner is their time to play video games with Dad. I have four kids I'm trying to teach and I find it very demoralizing to listen to a lot of whining, not to mention it's setting a bad example for the younger two. I choose things I think they will enjoy, I do my best to make it enjoyable-that's really all I can do.

 

I have also made a point of saying if there is a legitimate concern over the material or they have a different idea of how to approach a subject, I am all ears, as long as it it broached in a calm and respectful manner.

 

:iagree: it is Definitely ok to implement a no-complaining policy in your house. (My kids aren't allowed to say they are bored either - shocking right? I am super mean, I know:-) I will tell you though, it makes all of our lives as a family - including school time - go so much smoother.

 

Our culture doesn't seem to think that our young people have it in them to exercise self-control, but they are capable and honestly, I think THEY feel better when they don't spend their day complaining. It takes a lot of energy to be a crab all day. So, by telling our kids to suck it up, we are really helping them to feel better! Somebody stop me:tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, you could start by letting them know what the new rule is, why you are implementing it and let them know that you know they are mature enough to start to act in a grown-up manner toward their schoolwork. If that alone isn't enough motivation, you might try adding additional work (very calmly letting them know that if they have the time and energy to complain, then they have the time and energy to write an essay on Voltaire:lol:) Activities and screen time are also terrific motivators. I think parents are sometimes almost scared to mess with activities and screen time, but those are often near and dear to our kiddos. Usually, it only takes a time or two before you start to see some behavior changes.

 

I also echo the pp who mentioned competition for the boys... It gives them the outlet for some of those hormonal changes. The rules in athletics can also help you at home (you have to respect coach right? Well, mom trumps coach so you don't talk to mom in a less respectful manner than you would talk to coach...)

 

Good luck!

[Embassy]

Each instance of whining or complaining = extra chore. Education is a privilege and my kids are blessed to be able to learn and not spend most of their day working like many unfortunate children in this world. If they choose to complain about their blessings they choose to do extra work. Giving them extra chores helps replenish my energy that can get a bit drained from hearing whining and complaining.