battlemaiden Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 It will only take a minute. I am not a patient person. I don't think I have what it takes to do "this". "This" would be the every-waking-moment-of-the-day-availability. The constant talking, asking, needing, wanting.... I have been a single-parent-in-practice for this past month or so. And by the time my dh gets home it is to kiss the fed, bathed, brushed, and pajamed children that I have battled since daybreak. Okay, it's not a constant battle. It's a cumulative effect. I am toast. Toast. Toast. Toast. Now my dh is getting ready to go to sea for a few weeks. Not really a long time, but still... It's time to buck up. Remind me how to do it, please? (This is where you remind me how I got my board name) :o Disclaimer: My dh is awesome. I love him dearly. He is a devoted, giving husband. He is an incredible Dad. He won't have these hours forever. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. Thanks for letting me get on the Hive Shrink Couch for a while. Whew. I think I feel better already. Jo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Oh, Battlemaiden, I really do understand how tiring that is. Hang in there. You have our permission to cry, take long bubble baths, drink Mike's and have a whole box of chocolate! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*anj* Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Oh, Jo. Let me offer you a cyberhug. I feel that way sometimes, and my husband doesn't have to go away for weeks at a time. It's just human...and honest. We're here whenever you need to vent. I wish there was something I/we could do IRL to help you out while he's away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Needleroozer Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Boy do I hear you. I have been doing a lot more single parenting in this last year than I ever have before, and it. is. wearing. me. down. I know it is all in my attitude, but it is still so very hard. Tonight, I found my 15 yr old Boy watching a movie with all the girls (birthday slumber party) when he was supposed to be finishing his vocab and latin work that he didn't do earlier this week. I flew off the handle, in front of the girls, got my dh involved (and he had only been home 1 hour after being gone for 4 days, sigh), and even though we have worked through it all, I still feel so guilty that I lost it in the first place. And underneath it all, sheer exhaustion, worry, and more guilt, that I cannot do this, that I am lousy at being patient and "on" all day. All we can do is to keep plugging away, Jo, and just keep getting better and better. Sometimes it is easy, sometimes it isn't, but it is always worth it, and we really are doing a great job. I am amazed at all you are doing, you have had quite a lot going on in your life right now, and I also know from experience that it is challenging to do this mostly single parenting thing- you have to give yourself as much patience and grace as you do your kids- I know the reason I am easily provoked tonight is that I have not taken care of myself while dh was away this time. It makes a huge difference. Take a lot of breaks, even if that means stepping outside and enjoying the fresh air for two minutes, or stealing a quiet minute to eat some chocolate, etc. So now I am reminded of Dory and want to tell us both: Just keep swimming; just keep swimming; what do we do we swim, swim.......... Hang in there baby, give yourself time and patience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 You have had a lot to deal with lately. I think you should take a break and do something fun for as long as it takes. You are not allowed to say "but we are already behind because of the move...." or anything close to it. Get as much rest as you can, and go have fun with the kiddie troopers. ((((Jo))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 It will only take a minute. I am not a patient person. I don't think I have what it takes to do "this". "This" would be the every-waking-moment-of-the-day-availability. The constant talking, asking, needing, wanting.... I have been a single-parent-in-practice for this past month or so. And by the time my dh gets home it is to kiss the fed, bathed, brushed, and pajamed children that I have battled since daybreak. Okay, it's not a constant battle. It's a cumulative effect. I am toast. Toast. Toast. Toast. Now my dh is getting ready to go to sea for a few weeks. Not really a long time, but still... It's time to buck up. Remind me how to do it, please? (This is where you remind me how I got my board name) :o Disclaimer: My dh is awesome. I love him dearly. He is a devoted, giving husband. He is an incredible Dad. He won't have these hours forever. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. Thanks for letting me get on the Hive Shrink Couch for a while. Whew. I think I feel better already. Jo Cry and then buck up. I completely understand. We still have boxes everywhere, are doingscool, I'm back to cooking 3 meals a day, traffic is murder and is putting hubby home late, he's going to the field next month, I don't have my car until next week, eldest still doesn't have a bed, gahgahgah. Moving, military hours, the family adapting to a new place...it's a lot to handle. Cry, then I'll pass you a hard mike's from my avatar, have some chocolate and suck it up. Many ((HUGS)) and much commiseration from me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Cry. Sleep. Slog through. Repeat. Be Scarlett O'Hara about the sea duty--think about only today. When you're feeling overloaded, it will sink you to import future overload into today. Be kind to yourself--you are doing something really hard. Wish I were closer to offer some in-person help. Military life is often so un-family-friendly. Yes, I totally agree that it's hard to be the one "on" with the children all. day. long. Some days when DH gets home from work I flee to the bedroom to read/study with earplugs on. And my DH works fewer hours than your DH--I betcha! (He normally works only the basic 40 hrs + travel time.) So, if I'm ready to throw in the towel at the end of the day, you must be triply so with everything you have going on! If you have to, declare next week as "winter break" or something. Breathe. (((Battlemaiden))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 It will only take a minute. I am not a patient person. I don't think I have what it takes to do "this". "This" would be the every-waking-moment-of-the-day-availability. The constant talking, asking, needing, wanting.... Now my dh is getting ready to go to sea for a few weeks. Not really a long time, but still... Jo sometimes all we can do is cry and pray or sit in the tub and blubber there where we hopefully have some privacy. I know you just moved - can you find a sitter for just 1 hour? A single hour of sanity may be just what the doctor ordered... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volty Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I hope you can find some tme for yourself to unwind and relax, you have friends here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there and eat chocolate and cry and then buck up. ((hugs)):) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 We spent 8 years with a similar scenario. It is so very wearying sometimes. This too shall pass. Take Mommy time outs, then do what you do best. YOU are a very special lady! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basketmaker Amy Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 (((Jo))) You have a lot on your plate now. Just keep lovin' those kids and hubby! I'm sure it is lonely being in a new place and having all the kids...all the day...and being pregnant! I pray that you will find a good support group/babysitter and that you can get some alone time. Eat chocolate and hit the beaches! (By the way, I LOVE your board name!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 It will only take a minute. I am not a patient person. I don't think I have what it takes to do "this". "This" would be the every-waking-moment-of-the-day-availability. The constant talking, asking, needing, wanting.... I have been a single-parent-in-practice for this past month or so. And by the time my dh gets home it is to kiss the fed, bathed, brushed, and pajamed children that I have battled since daybreak. Okay, it's not a constant battle. It's a cumulative effect. I am toast. Toast. Toast. Toast. Now my dh is getting ready to go to sea for a few weeks. Not really a long time, but still... It's time to buck up. Remind me how to do it, please? (This is where you remind me how I got my board name) :o Disclaimer: My dh is awesome. I love him dearly. He is a devoted, giving husband. He is an incredible Dad. He won't have these hours forever. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. Thanks for letting me get on the Hive Shrink Couch for a while. Whew. I think I feel better already. Jo I know this is tough. DH was a USAF pilot who was deployed more often than he was home. Then he went into the private sector--and is on business trips more often than he is home. I'm normally a single parent. I consider his presence to be a gift and occasional help. Don't focus on DH leaving and surviving with your children. Focus on how quickly time flies and he'll be home in "only X days". In the meantime, take a bubble bath daily and stash a bit of your favorite treat for a mommy moment. Thank you for the sacrifices you and your family continuously make for his job. It allows all Americans to right to voice their dissenting opinions, vote in political elections, and maintain our freedom. We appreciate it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Cry as long as you need to. Sleep too. That helps the kids, it should help us adults as well. I was wondering how you were doing the other day. I know now. (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy in IL Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Of course you have persmission to cry and plenty of shoulders to cry upon. As a single mom of 5 at the moment (3 all the time), I can share some things that have helped me hold on to a starnd of sanity. Actually, things go pretty smoothly most of the time. Carve out time for yourself. I don't get much alone time, but knowing there will be little bits of it at certain times helps when things get chaotic. For example, my kids are in bed by 7:30 most nights. As they get older I will keep the bedtime but allow them to read quietly in their rooms before lights out. The catch is they are to respect my alone time after 7:30 at night. Occasionally I have my 9 year old watch my 6 year old while the little ones sleep so I can catch up on whatever in the house, even a nap for myself. I pay her a few dollars when she does this, and it works quite well. I have recently met people who are glad to help watch the children so I can get a night out. It's a strange feeling to be without kids, but it is refreshing the few times it has happened. We follow a routine that doesn't change much week to week. If they all know what to expect they do better, and I am less stressed. Each child over 3 years old has chores to take the load of me and learn responsibility. One person can't do it all. I let them know our family is a team and has to work together. Just take it moment by moment. Vent when you need to. There are plenty of us in the hive ready to listen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan P. Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Hi! I'm a retired Naval officer wife, so I can relate to what you are going through. Deployments are hard. My dh's deployment happened when my youngest was only 18 months old. However, many times my dh took long trips while I was homeschooling my three children. It is rough. Please try to find someone to watch your children some so you can get some Rest and Relaxation. If you don't, then you will definitely burn out. Are you living on a Naval base? When I lived on a Naval Base our Naval community had a babysitting service where we as wives would swap off with other moms. If you don't want to do something like this, then find one or two moms to swap off with. Or else find someone in your church or community to come over and watch the children while you do errands, go to a movie, or what not. Also don't do strick academics every day. Opt for some field trips or do nature study or anything to get the kiddos outside if you can. I know if you are living in the northern states that it is cold and snowy right now, but even if it is cold try to get out if it is not too bad. Don't be afraid to let others know that you need help. Our church helped a member who's husband was in South Korea for an entire year. We would try and go over and help with her yard work. When her children were sick we would take her meals. Sometimes people don't know you are hurting, but they will help out if they know what your needs are. Speak up! I have to tell myself this often because I don't like putting anyone out. I also remember talking to a mom with a large family that she made sure her little ones were in bed by a certain hour and that the remaining time before her bedtime was only reserved for her. I think this was the hardest thing for me to do because there was always some child wailing wanting mommy to stay in the room with them and I would be utterly exhausted. Hoping for the best, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 buck up and figure out a way to get through it. Why? Because you have to. And you can. You've done it before, and you'll do it again. Somewhere inside you'll find a bit more patience than you thought you had and you'll find a way to handle this. Remember, as you're focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, to focus on the Light of the World as you cry on his shoulder He will give you the strength and patience to put one foot in front of the other, to get one more meal on the table, and allow you to find Joy in all of the difficult things. (((Jo))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan P. Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 OOPs! I meant to say when my oldest was 18 months old. My sleep deprived brain isn't in full gear yet! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I think military wives have it much harder just plain old single parents. As a single mom, I at least get time on the weekends when she's with her father. You don't get any down time at all! Yes, you may cry. I'm ready to cry for you. You've gotten good advice and I don't have anything new or earth shattering to advise, just hang in there, cry it out, and you'll be fine. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*anj* Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 As a single mom, I at least get time on the weekends when she's with her father. Hey Michelle, I thought you had multiple children. Don't tell me the others are in college already?? :eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I was a military wife for almost 15 years and now my dh is doing the road warrior thing as a computer consultant. Some things that I have found that help are: Make a list of projects that you can not handle on your own some that he can help with them when he is home. Try to plan and make meals and do the major shopping when he is home. Make use of convenience foods and take our if you can. Automate as many things as you can. Arrange to have some breaks by trading babysitting or using child care when you can. Plan down time for yourself everyday so that you can unwind and destress. When you are having a miserable day, don the p.j.s, pop some popcorn and plant the entire family on a blanket in front of a movie. Shut the house down with everyone in bed as early as possible. Have everyone sleep later as well if you can. Let the kids sleep in your room if it means everyone gets more sleep and it is easier on you. School from bed if you need to. Make the house as kids friendly and safe as you can so that they don't need as close and constant supervision. Forget about the messes while he is gone and clean really well before he gets home. And sometimes just allow yourself to have a good cry. It really relieves the stress. And of course, lean on as many support sources as you can. These are just a few things that I found helped me. Know that we are all thinking of you and wishing you the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam "SFSOM" in TN Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Hugs, hugs, hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin Hood Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I have no encouraging words for you, but I appreciate what you're family is doing. It takes a strong woman to do what you do. I am glad you shared. I hope you feel better and I feel like I am in better company knowing I am not alone in the many hours we spend w/o dh/Daddy at home. My dh is not in the military, but the restaurant business keeps him away for up 13 hours a day 6 days a week and hours upon hours doing accounting books when he is home. My dds are mostly in bed when he arrives home too. He's a wonderful support, but it feels so alone a lot of the time. I almost don't know how to act around grown ups because I have learned to be so solitary. Don't go that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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