Baby being born today at 23 weeks--please share your experiences

[Harriet Vane]

UPDATE BELOW

 

My dear sister-in-law is unfortunately delivering her baby boy today sometime. She had some problems at the beginning of the pregnancy that were resolved, but went into early labor about two weeks ago. She has been in the hospital since and was prepared to stay the next three months if need be. Sadly, she is in labor now and there is no way to stop it. The baby is not likely to be viable.

 

Can you share how you coped with the death of a child? I would like to print your responses and give them to her for her comfort. She is a believer, BTW.

 

Thank you.

 

UPDATE:

 

My sister-in-law delivered a baby boy three hours ago. He lived just twenty minutes. Thank you for your kind wishes and advice. I wish it had turned out differently . . .

[Serendipity]

I'm so sorry. :(

 

Here's a website that may 'help'? Their affiliated photographers take beautiful photos of babies born too early, or with defects, etc.

 

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com/pageDisplay.php?page=2

 

Praying for your family...

 

***THESE photos are of infants who are passing, or who have already passed.

 

ETA: http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com/pageDisplay.php?page=20

[Brigitte]

No advice for you or her. I am heart sick for them. My girls were 27 weekers, but those 4 weeks make a huge difference. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

[Alice]

So sorry for your SIL. 23 weeks is sometimes viable, but I don't know all the details for her obviously.

 

When I worked in the NICU we would always make sure to have items from the baby saved. Some parents wouldn't want them right away but they would be saved and invariably parents would return and desparately want those things. (A hat, wristband, photo, lock of hair, footprints, etc.) The NICU where she is may do the same thing. It seemed to give most people some comfort if they were able to hold the baby for some time. We usually gave them a quiet room with a rocking chair and just left them alone but told them someone was nearby if needed. It was a place to grieve. I always tried to find out the baby's name and refer to it by name (not as it or he or she or baby).

 

Not sure if any of that is helpful but I am truly sorry.

[Lorna in the boonies]

I have walked this road too many times, having delivered two stillborn girls at 20 weeks (separate pregnancies) and then having lost another daughter to anencephaly.

 

I found a lot of comfort in the book Mommy, Please Don't Cry. It is a book about heaven from the baby's point of view, and has been the cause of many, many bittersweet tears for me over the years (I still can't read it without crying).

 

One of the best things that helped me was talking to other people who have suffered infant loss. There are several forums online for people going through it, but I'm not sure that any of the ones I was involved in are active anymore.

 

(Ugh. I'm being interrupted by feuding children.) I'll try to be back later on, probably after they're down for the night. In the meantime, here is my anencephalic daughter's story. I wrote it at the height of my grief and it's ridiculously sappy (and way too pink), but the site went to pay-only shortly after I updated it last (many years ago), and I can't change it now. My apologies for that in advance.

 

I'll be praying for your sister-in-law. This is such a hard, hard road to walk.

 

I'll try to get back tonight --

 

Lorna

[Lorna in the boonies]

Sneaking back on quickly with a couple of ideas for you as you help your sister-in-law.

 

One of the things that I appreciated the most was something that a friend of mine did for me. She tatted a little pink cross to be placed in my daughter's casket, and she tatted a matching one for me. I keep it in my Bible (at Mark 5, which is where we found her name). I love having something that Talitha "has", so to speak. It doesn't have to be something you make -- a little stuffed animal or something would be great, too.

 

Also, one of the things that hit me harder than anything else was when people gave us cut flowers. After a few days, they died, and I had to throw them away. In my grieving mind, here is what I thought: not only can I not keep a baby alive, but I can't even keep stupid flowers alive, either.

 

(Not logical, but the grieving mind isn't always logical. Since then, I've spoken with numerous other mothers who felt the exact same way -- so my recommendation is for potted plants, not flowers. I still have one plant left from when my daughter died, and I guard that thing with my life!)

 

If the baby is born today and if he dies today (and I certainly hope that he doesn't), Wednesdays are going to be just awful for her for the next few months. Every Wednesday will be a reminder to her. And for the next year or so, the 9th of each month is going to be especially hard, too. If I were you, I'd try to reach out to her on those days for a while -- especially after the first few weeks, when people will start to expect her to "get over it" and to move on with her life.

 

I really need to get back to my kids -- but I will ponder your question for the rest of the afternoon and will hopefully get back with something helpful for your sister-in-law before the night is over.

 

Lorna

[Teresa in MO]

An acquatence of ours gave birth in the spring to a little boy at 24 weeks. He went home from the hospital a few weeks ago a very healtly 6 1/2 lbs. He was 1 lb, 14 oz. at birth. He had no real problems, just needed to grow. Hope this helps, they can do so much nowadays. Will be praying for her and her baby.

[3lilreds in NC]

Oh, strider, my heart is breaking for your sister, her family and you. I have no experience to share, but please let her know that you're all in my prayers.

[Tracey in TX]

While 23 wks is not "viable", it may be survivable. Much of this will be determined by his health upon birth, how much of a fighter he is for his own life, and ensuring he doesn't develop any infections. Most micro-preemies have issues which range from needing glasses to cerebral palsy.

Pray the little guy is strong enough to make it through the next 48 hours and has a Level 3 NICU (think that's the highest) staff to ensure he's in the best earthly hands available.

Suggestion: take photos immediately. Sometimes a professional photographer will do it for free. They're beautiful keepsakes.

Sending prayers for baby's health, strength, and a miracle!

Tracey

[Sixmeadows]

(They held off until 27 weeks to be born) and 1 Dr. told me that it is possible for them to survive at 23 weeks. I will pray for her, the baby, Dr.s and family. I am sad she is facing this.

 

Cheri

[Nakia]

I am so sorry for your precious sister in law. I just wanted to encourage you to never forget her baby. Sometimes I think people don't want to talk about the baby to the mother, for fear of hurting her. She already hurts, and it will make her feel better to know that others remember her baby.

 

Again, I am so sorry.:grouphug:

[stephanie]

My dear sister-in-law is unfortunately delivering her baby boy today sometime. She had some problems at the beginning of the pregnancy that were resolved, but went into early labor about two weeks ago. She has been in the hospital since and was prepared to stay the next three months if need be. Sadly, she is in labor now and there is no way to stop it. The baby is not likely to be viable.

 

Can you share how you coped with the death of a child? I would like to print your responses and give them to her for her comfort. She is a believer, BTW.

 

Thank you.

 

My good friend delivered her little boy at 24 weeks. He was sick, very tiny, and you can imagine all the systems that were not fully developed. He spent 3 months in the hospital, but just last week he celebrated his 2 year old birthday. He's still small and just a bit developmentally behind,but he's doing well. I just wanted to give her some hope. Please keep us posted on her. I'll be in prayer for her and the baby!

[Parrothead]

(Not logical, but the grieving mind isn't always logical. Since then, I've spoken with numerous other mothers who felt the exact same way -- so my recommendation is for potted plants, not flowers. I still have one plant left from when my daughter died, and I guard that thing with my life!)

 

When I read this I immediately though, "Have a tree planted in the yard." It is a good time of year to do this.

[5knights3maidens]

Oh my. A great and wonderful story is on http://www.confessionsofacfhusband.com

Their baby was born at 24/25 wks. and is now home.

[muffinmom]

My nephew was born at 25 1/2 weeks--1 lb. 11 oz. Today he is 18. He has CP, but is a joy to everyone who meets him.

 

So I will be in prayer for that sweet baby.

 

:grouphug:

[Mamagistra]

Praying for that sweet baby and your family. :grouphug:

[5wolfcubs]

:grouphug:I just posted these on my blog. I had gathered them and some Psalms (61:1-4, 118:15-18) years ago when I miscarried at 16 weeks. Some might be appropriate now (the first one) and others perhaps in cards in the weeks to come.

 

My life is but a weaving

Between the Lord and me

I do not choose the colors

He worketh steadily.

 

Oftimes he weaveth sorrow

And I in foolish pride

Forget he sees the upper

And I the underside.

 

Not till the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly

Will God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why.

 

The dark threads are as needful

In the Weaver’s skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned.

 

- Author Unknown

 

 

I walked a mile with Pleasure,

She chattered all the way;

But left me none the wiser,

For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow

And ne'er a word said she;

But, oh, the things I learned from her

When Sorrow walked with me!

 

-- Robert Browning Hamilton

 

 

A Confederate Soldier's Prayer

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.

I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things.

I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy.

I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men.

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.

I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for but got everything I had hoped for.

Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am, among all people, most richly blessed.

 

Also, you can change the word baby to the name they give their child in this Psalm 23.

 

The LORD is baby's shepherd,

Baby shall never be in want.

He makes baby lie down in green pastures;

He leads baby beside quiet waters.

He restored baby's soul;

He guides baby in the paths of righteousness

For His name's sake.

Even though baby walked through the valley of the shadow of death,

Baby feared no evil, for You were with baby;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort baby.

You prepared a table before baby in the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed baby's head with oil;

Baby's cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow baby all the days eternal life,

As baby dwells in the house of the LORD forever.

:grouphug:

[Michelle in MO]

that things will somehow turn around and go well for her. I will pray for her.

 

I have a very dear friend who developed a uterine infection and unexpectedly went into labor at 26 weeks. Her dd is now 16 years old, taller than my oldest daughter, and perfectly healthy. I know that there is a difference in development from week to week at that stage. I still will pray for her. :grouphug: to all of you.

[manylilblessings]

I'm so sorry... what heartbreak.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I am so sorry. Prayers for all.:grouphug:

[mysticamethyst]

I am sorry for your family you will all be in our thoughts and prayers. I hope that peace can reach you sister in-law in both mind and spirt.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Tracey in TX]

I'm sorry to hear your sil's son passed away. Our thoughts and prayers are with sil and all your family.:grouphug:

[summer]

My son was born at about this point. He was 1 pound, 1.6 ounces, 11.5 inches long.

 

It was awful. It was the worst thing in my life. I could not cope. I had a nervous breakdown basically. I did not want to live anymore. I only went on living because I already had 2 children, otherwise, I would have likely committed suicide.

 

I had 1 questions. It was very important. I wanted to know if I would ever feel ok again. I know the answer now and it is yes. She will remember him.

 

One important thing..it is very very ok for her to get pregnant again. And when she does, respect it and do not ever call the baby a replacement baby or anything else to that effect. The fact that her baby died does not change the fact that she wants to be a mother.

 

((((hugs)))) also..go to the funeral. I still feel some resentment toward those who did not even acknowledge my son's death. Someone even called him a miscarriage!! How does a miscarriage breathe and all?...and I had pictures. Oh..and look at the pictures and tell her how beautiful her son was..even if you think he looks bruised and all. He will likely look like a very small baby, likely miscolored (oxygen deprivation does that).

[Mom to Aly]

My first baby was born at 22 weeks, 5 days, and lived for 5 minutes. She was born on Memorial Day, and when I went in to the hosp, they told me she wouldn't make it. The on call dr. didn't come in, he was at a fam barbecue, and the nurse hardly paid any attention to me, just came in to deliver, then left me alone with her until she died.

 

It was heartbreaking, I've never totally gotten over it. It took 7 years and 9 specialists to tell me what went wrong (incompetent cervix). My new dr. had lost two children to the same thing, and told me, no matter what, she wasn't going to let me lost another.

 

After I got pregnant again, 8 & 1/2 years later, they discovered my cervix was worse than they thought. Before pregnance it was a little long, in the sixth week it started shrinking (that usually happens in 4th or 5th month). They put me in bed at 6 weeks, total bed rest with bathroom priveleges, 5 min shower every two days, and I could sit up for meals, which I never did. At three months they did a double cerclage, where they sew your cervix shut, and told me I would be very lucky if I made it to the 7th month, and to prepare for probs. At this point I was having ultrasounds twice a week to check the length of my cervix (we have an entire photo album of my dd from before she was born : ). At 4 months I developed PIH, pregnancy induced hypertension. At 6 & 1/2 months I got superimposed eclampsia, which makes your blood pressure swing up then plummet, risking a stroke. When I checked into the hosp, my blood pressure was 260 over 180, half an hour later it was 76 over 45. They kept me in, sure I'd go into labor at any moment, but dd waited until 35 weeks, was 7 pounds, 3 oz, and is perfect.

 

She has changed everything for me. I still miss my first daughter, Kylie, and still think of her often. But I know, if one thing in my life had been different, I would have my dd here with me now. I know there is a reason for what happened, one I know I will not come close to understanding in this lifetime, but my dd here with me now helps me get closer to understanding. She has honestly taken all regrets from me--all the what if's, why didn't I's, why me's, and on and on... She has brought a peace and understanding to me that I thought I would never have, not in this lifetime.

 

Like I said, I do still miss my first daughter, tremendously, I can't sit here and type this without crying, but I know she watches over me and her sister, and that she is waiting for us, and that helps too. More than I can say. I've always believed in God, without any doubt, and, instead of making me question Him, this has made me more sure of him--that he does have a divine plan, one that we cannot understand on Earth, and that he needed my daughter with him. Knowing that she is in his loving arms does make a difference as well.

 

Wow, OK, I never, ever talk like this, don't go in for public displays of religion, but that is how I feel.

 

I am so, so terribly sorry for your sister-in-law's loss--I can imagine what she is going through, though I don't know exactly. The one thing I can say is, never underplay it. The worst thing I ever heard from idiotic people, trying to be kind, I know, was, "Well, at least you didn't have time to know her". In retrospect, in a way, that may be true, but they didn't get it--the second you find out you are pregnant, you know that child--you see her when she is born, her first steps, her first day of school (I didn't even know about homeschool back then), her high school graduation, college graduation, wedding day, etc. I lost my child and all she could have been, her whole life, not just a baby I'd known for 5 min. Please do keep that in mind.

 

So terribly, terribly, terribly sorry...

[muffinmom]

So sorry...

 

Will offer prayers for your family.

[Lorna in the boonies]

The worst thing I ever heard from idiotic people, trying to be kind, I know, was, "Well, at least you didn't have time to know her". In retrospect, in a way, that may be true, but they didn't get it--the second you find out you are pregnant, you know that child--you see her when she is born, her first steps, her first day of school (I didn't even know about homeschool back then), her high school graduation, college graduation, wedding day, etc. I lost my child and all she could have been, her whole life, not just a baby I'd known for 5 min.

 

This is so true. This is the reason my husband was adamant about digging our daughter's grave. When he first suggested it a month or so before she was born, I thought he was just trying to save money, and I was appalled and told him that he certainly didn't have to do that. He started crying and said, "You don't get it. You're carrying her. You're actively being her mother. But I will never actively be her father. I'll never teach her how to ride a bike. I'll never help her with her schoolwork. I'll never give her away at her wedding. You need to let me be her father in the only way I'll ever be able to."

 

He made his point, and he dug her grave.

 

Mom to Aly is right. We didn't just lose our baby. We lost our daughter. She would have been 8 1/2 now.

 

Way in the future, when it doesn't hurt so much to think about him, your SIL will still think about him. There will always be an empty place around her kitchen table. Somebody will always be missing.

 

Your SIL will need to hear his name. She will need to know that she's not the only one who remembers. Don't be afraid to bring him up. You can be very sure that it won't hurt her. It will only hurt when nobody acknowledges him.

 

My parents keep a picture of my daughter on their piano, right there along with all the pictures of the rest of their grandchildren. It's a small picture, but it's tasteful -- and it's front and center, right smack dab in the middle. I've never told them how much that means to me. I should probably do that.

 

I'm so very sorry that things turned out this way. Will they be holding a service for him? Have they named him yet?

 

Your SIL is in my prayers this evening, as are you. Thank you so much for being so considerate of her.

[DarcyM]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your nephew. I wish we had answers.

 

1 in 8 babies is born too soon in America. If 1 in 8 died of SIDS or 1 in 8 got cancer, perhaps more would get done to research the whys and hows. Talking about infant and pregnancy loss makes people terribly uncomfortable. But mothers and fathers need to talk about their sons and daughters. They need to hear their names, to have those precious lives acknowledged.

 

I work in NICU Family Support. We see this every day. Every. Single. Day. And no story is ever easy to hear. Another heartbroken family, another baby here too soon. Too many times, a goodbye just when you've said hello.

 

Stridor, I invite your family members to a NICU Family Support community. People there have dealt with premature birth, birth defects, infant and pregnancy loss - and grief of all sorts. I know sharing online isn't for everyone, but if you think she might find comfort in those who have walked a similar path, please let her know about the site: http://www.shareyourstory.org

It's created by the March of Dimes. It's free and you can create a confidential nom de plume and share anonymously. It's a soft place to land for so many.

 

To the rest of you who have shared your stories - I'm so sorry. You've all been tenacious through some really hard times. I'm sure your children are very proud of you.

 

Warmly,

[BlsdMama]

Celebrate and grieve with her. In other words, don't try to look on the bright side if she's down, just listen. If he lives, don't try to caution her... She's more aware than you could ever be that this could change at ANY moment.

 

Our daughter, Hannah Elizabeth, was born at 26 weeks exactly Valentine's Day 2001. She was 1lb. 15 oz. and 13" long. She had an 85-90% chance of living. Funny thing about statistics, no one ever tells you that they are really either 100% or 0%. Odds are absolutely nothing. Either God inteds your child to live or He does not, for whatever reason, and I'm sure it's a good one.

 

She lived 12 days and her stay in the NICU went beautifully until Day 10 when she got an infection.

 

Ask what you can do. Listen. Listen a lot. Everyone was so uncomfortable and didn't know what to say, they really just changed the subject. Funny thing was I didn't need them to say the right thing or ANY thing... I just wanted them to listen to me talk about her and make her real and reassure me I wouldn't forget. The kindest thing anyone told me was an aunt came over and whispered in my ear (the morning before the funeral) "You won't ever forget her." I was TERRIFIED I would over time.

 

We haven't. All of our children know they have a little (or big) sister. She was our third. Unlike the mama who wanted people to come to the funeral, we asked people that they NOT come to the funeral. She had pretty severe brain hemorrhaging and I just couldn't deal with people's reactions to her. So, we allowed our oldest daughter to see her and we took pictures that we do not and have not shared with anyone. For us, it was private. We needed to only talk to our very closest friends and family.

 

Little things will bother her. If you can find a micro-preemie outfit for burial that would be wonderful. They sent my daughter to the funeral home in a cheapie dress that looked like a Wal-mart doll dress. It was itchy and scratchy. Thankfully I had time to sew her the most adorable knit outfit and a cloth diaper - couldn't stand the thought of a disposable. The only thing a mama gets to do for this baby is provide clothing for burial.... So it becomes pretty important. Clothing will be a serious issue if this baby dies. Look around now. It is impossible to find. My mil really wanted her to be buried in a dress.... a frilly dress. I can understand that, but I wanted soft and comfortable. Really help her meet her needs as to the burial.

 

I'd have loved a tree. I still occasionally read the cards we were sent from friends, family, and strangers... And that was five babies ago. You never forget. We still release balloons and have birthday cake on her birthday and thank God for her every night during prayers just as we do our other children. The nicest gift I got? A very special ornament for our tree with her name printed on it so we could hang it up every year and have a sweet thought about her. It gives us an opportunity to talk about her to our other children as well.

[Harriet Vane]

Your stories have meant a great deal to me and even more to my dh. This is his sister who is grieving, and you have given him some guidance. Thank you for that.

[Sue G in PA]

Do you have an update? Was the baby born? How is everybody doing? I've been praying for your SIL and the baby and your whole family.

[Lorna in the boonies]

Sue, she posted an update in the original post. The baby was born yesterday and lived for 20 minutes.

[jmgconner]

I'm so sorry. I'm praying for your family.

 

My cousin died at birth (he was born a bit early, but also had other problems and we knew he would die shortly afterwards). It's been almost 25 years now, and we still talk about him. My aunt appreciates that we call him by name and that we still remember him.