WWYD? Family issues(long. sorry.)

[kroe1]

I sound very similar to your SIL in my expectations of young children. Therefore, I would probably be thankful she is stepping in to help discipline. Sorry, I know that is not the answer you wanted.

 

:grouphug:

[garddwr]

I sound very similar to your SIL in my expectations of young children. Therefore, I would probably be thankful she is stepping in to help discipline. Sorry, I know that is not the answer you wanted.

 

:grouphug:

 

The trouble with this is if you stepped in to discipline children who were not your responsibility, when the people who were responsible (their parents) were right there--you would be trespassing on the parents' territory. It's fine to have different standards for children, but your standards can only be enforced with children who are under your authority--your own children, or children who have in some other way been committed to your care (i.e., a classroom teacher can enforce her standards of behavior within her classroom). Aside from a situation of imminent danger, we don't have the right as adults to enforce discipline on each other's children. There are situations where I will step in to direct someone else's child--if the child is in my home, for example, or in a public setting if a child is acting in a way that can harm themselves or others (throwing sand at the park, bullying, swerving a bike back and forth across a busy road...) But most parenting should be left to the parents--even if I disagree with their boundaries or lack thereof! I have no more authority to correct the manners of someone else's children than I do to correct the manners of the parents. Of course, I have the right to set certain behavior limits within my own home for both children and adults:tongue_smilie:

[Mommyfaithe]

Not only would I not apologize for telling her to back off, I think you were downright gracious about it compared to what I would have told her.

 

:iagree:

It downright ticks men off when someone over steps that boundary. I don't mind a parent or a relative correcting my child if I am not there and able to do so, but when I am there...and someone is undermining my parenting....:glare: it does not fare well for them.

[garddwr]

I think after talking to my husband tonight and reading these posts I (finally) hit on what was so irritating to me--my SIL is telling my son he can't do something after I've told him he can, such as eat the cake with his hands. My sisters and I had told our two-year-olds they could eat the cake with their hands(it was a picnic and we don't mind messes), and then SIL came over and starting scolding them for not using forks. She continued even after I explained we had already given them permission to make a mess. And with the slide incident, my BIL was dealing with the child already. Yelling at her and telling her she needed to go sit at the picnic table was really, really irritating to me. Yes, my BIL was more lenient than I would have been(all he did was tell her she shouldn't push and to say sorry), but it's his stepdaughter that he is raising, and I am not one to interfere with someone else's parenting.

 

I am all about reinforcing good behavior. And often my siblings are more lenient with their kids than I would be, and yeah, it annoys me, but I try to stay out of my sibling's parenting choices as none of them are neglectful or abusive. I just wish my SIL would extend that courtesy to me, even though she doesn't approve of some of our parenting decisions(like letting my son play in mud, or eat cake with his hands in a specific situation, or stay up late occasionally; all things she has corrected him for after hearing me tell him that he could).

 

After talking to DH tonight about this issue, he said he will try to nicely bring it up and just kind of say, hey, sis, we love having you around our kids and appreciate how much you love them, and we know you sometimes think we let them do things that they shouldn't but we would appreciate it if you let us make those decisions. He also said she has always been "bossy"(but that is little brother speaking...) and other parents over the years have asked her not to correct their children, and she stops for a little while but goes right back at it. DH says she has always had extremely high expectations for how children behave, and that he thinks it will all change if she has kids of her own. I know that I knew a lot more about child raising before I had children...

 

If SIL is directly contradicting your own instructions to your children, it is not the children she is being bossy towards--it is you and your husband. She needs to learn that she has no authority to override your parenting decisions.

 

:grouphug: I hope you can work this out and find a way to help her see your perspective. Because she is not a parent and has never been in your shoes that won't come easily to her. Maybe you can address it from the point of view of the children and how much they need clear expectations about rules and boundaries including who is in charge. It must be terribly confusing to them to have different adults telling them different things.

 

--Sarah

[Impish]

My sentiments exactly.

 

I don't understand why you, your dh, and apparently your other relatives are at all concerned about hurting her feelings, while it's obvious she doesn't care at all about the feelings of you or your children.

:iagree:I'd love to know how she managed to train everyone to worry about respecting HER feelings when she stampedes all over others w/out caring.

[Jennifer3141]

:iagree:I'd love to know how she managed to train everyone to worry about respecting HER feelings when she stampedes all over others w/out caring.

 

Exactly!!! How did everyone in this family just cede control to someone who doesn't have kids of their own??

 

I dont' see this as discipling someone else's children. I see this as totally undermining the parents who are right there! That would happen ONCE to me. :glare:

[gardenmom5]

Not only would I not apologize for telling her to back off, I think you were downright gracious about it compared to what I would have told her.

:iagree:me three

[garddwr]

You know, maybe an analogy would help SIL understand why her conduct is inappropriate. Does SIL supervise anyone at work? How would she feel if someone from a completely different department, with no authority over her or her subordinates, started issuing corrections and instructions to the people under her? Would it help her department run more smoothly? Alternatively, what would she think if someone with no authority over her started correcting her work performance and giving her orders and instructions contrary to those coming from her own supervisors? That is exactly the experience she is forcing on you and your children, and it can only cause confusion and frustration and resentment.

 

ETA: I forgot the part about SIL being a high school teacher. Maybe you could adapt this to thinking of another teacher changing the assignments she gives her students and changing the grades she gave on her tests, or a principal from another school coming into her classroom and telling her she needs to run things differently, in contradiction to instructions from her own principal.

Edited July 5, 2012 by thegardener

[brehon]

:iagree:I'd love to know how she managed to train everyone to worry about respecting HER feelings when she stampedes all over others w/out caring.

 

Exactly!!! How did everyone in this family just cede control to someone who doesn't have kids of their own??

 

I dont' see this as discipling someone else's children. I see this as totally undermining the parents who are right there! That would happen ONCE to me. :glare:

 

:iagree: I know your dh & you love & respect your SIL; but, I gotta tell you that from your posts here it really doesn't appear that she holds you in the same regard. She's not just stubborn; she's assumed a position of authority in your lives that I'm fairly sure neither of you want. Your children are very young. You and your dh need to decide *now*: (a) if & how you want to stop her over reaching her authority, (b) exactly what your boundaries are, & © how you/your dh are going to enforce those boundaries. She's not going to stop on her own volition; why should she? No one has enforced any appropriate boundaries with her. This will get worse as your kids get older and, as someone else pointed out, sooner or later, your kids won't want to be around her at. all.

[KnitWit]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I hate situations like this because my dh does not like conflict and would not deal with his family. When I have been in this situation, I act on behalf of my kids. Behavior does not necessarily improve in direct ratio to the number of *bosses* they have. Even if you and your sister were completely hands-off parents and allowed your children to act like hellions, if your dh's sister doesn't like it then she should not come! It's not her family.

 

The only apology you need to make, in my opinion, is to your OWN sister. This is not HER sil. Gosh, if I were her I'd start asking if your sil was going to be at the next family function and if she were there, I wouldn't be.

 

(editing to say that I would probably be viewed as having pretty tight parenting...so, it's not that I think all things are permissible)

Edited July 5, 2012 by MSPolly

[Remudamom]

I've got an overbearing obnoxious sil who thinks she knows what is best for all the children in her family. She was allowed to pick a private high school, arrange for tuition and sent her own sister's children off to boarding school when they were teens.

 

Imagine my relief when she refused to talk to us for 14 years. Sadly, she decided we were worthy of her attention about 10 years ago. It's a constant battle with her overstepping. Nip your sil asap.

 

eta- my sil is also a childless public school teacher.

[Impish]

I've got an overbearing obnoxious sil who thinks she knows what is best for all the children in her family. She was allowed to pick a private high school, arrange for tuition and sent her own sister's children off to boarding school when they were teens.

 

Imagine my relief when she refused to talk to us for 14 years. Sadly, she decided we were worthy of her attention about 10 years ago. It's a constant battle with her overstepping. Nip your sil asap.

 

eta- my sil is also a childless public school teacher.

:eek:

[brehon]

:grouphug::grouphug:

The only apology you need to make, in my opinion, is to your OWN sister. This is not HER sil. Gosh, if I were her I'd start asking if your sil was going to be at the next family function and if she were there, I wouldn't be.

 

This is a good point. Your family may decide not to come to any family functions where SIL is present. This could really spiral out of control and put you & your dh in some very uncomfortable family situations. :grouphug:

 

I don't know if your dh is still a Medic/FF (& note how I oh-so-cleverly reversed those :tongue_smilie:); but, if he is, tell him from one paramedic to another to put his steel toed boots on & deal w/his sister. :)

[MedicMom]

Just to clarify...she is invited to all the family events on my side because my inlaws and parents are close, and my in laws are basically adopted grandparents to my niece and nephews. It is getting to the point though where I suspect she will not be invited much longer.

 

I'm not at all opposed to people correcting my son when I'm not present. It's when I am standing right there watching the situation and SIL corrects him that it really irritates me. If he was harming someone else or property and I didn't say anything, that is one thing, but these are really childish, harmless behaviors that I either don't worry about or will correct quietly and privately. Plus, my kids are not yelled at. By anyone. Ever. (Okay. Sometimes I yell. But I try very hard not too)

 

As far as why everyone is letting her get away with it, these family occasions are rare, and the oldest child is only 3. Then there are three cousins, all boys, all 2...so they are really just starting to get into things, misbehave, etc. This isn't a problem that's been going on for years as far as our kids go, and I've only started to notice it the last few months. My sister will be publicly polite to her, since SIL only sees my niece and nephews a few times a year. However, SIL sees my children several times a week, so it is something I need to deal with immediately, before it gets worse. When I first started noticing it, I naively thought saying something like, "He's okay, I told him he could," or "This isn't something we're concerned about," would work. Now I realize I have to be far more blunt about this and say, "Please don't admonish DS in front of me."

 

DH did talk to her. He doesn't think it will do any good, and I am inclined to agree. I know my mom is upset over how my niece was treated at the birthday party, but she probably won't say anything. My mom did make the observation that SIL appears to be overly attached to my kids, and basically refused to give up my five-week-old daughter at the birthday party when my mom(who doesn't see my kids too often) asked to hold her. I hadn't thought of that, but the more I ponder this, I am thinking my mom is right--my SIL, on some level, really does think she is the one mothering my children.

Um...NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

 

(Brehon...DH is still a Medic/FF. I like how you reversed it. He lets the FF part go to his head, especially since I am now a paramedic only. :001_smile:)

Edited July 6, 2012 by MedicMom
I am tired and forgot what I wanted to say...

[MedicMom]

this is not a "higher expectations" problem.

this is not a parenting or kids/no kids problem.

 

this is a boundaries problem.

 

many people have differing levels of expectation, and don't negatively discipline other people's children, or mow their lawn, or clean their bathroom.

 

they quietly observe, and pass the bean dip.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

I would, however, be okay with it if someone showed up and wanted to mow my lawn or clean my bathroom!!! :tongue_smilie:

[Tammyla]

I'd tell her to get her own kid (in front of everyone)...rinse and repeat.

 

You can laugh and be nice, but eventually she will get the message.

 

I need more wisdom from the board...

 

My SIL(husband's sister) is in her thirties, single, childless, and set in her ways about how children should act. She is a high school teacher, so you would think that she'd have some clue as to developmental appropriateness, but she really doesn't seem to when it comes to small children. She is constantly scolding, correcting, and attempting to discipline my two-year-old and other small kids, including my nieces and nephews on my side. This happens even in front of the parents. My in-laws and my parents are close and my in-laws honorary grandparents to my nieces and nephews, so they are usually present at the birthday parties and other gatherings on my family's side. I'm thrilled my kids have such a large, loving family and everyone gets along so well, but...

 

Yesterday was my nephew's second birthday(my sister's son). My MIL and SIL were there at the party. We had three two-year-old boys(my son and my two nephews) and my 3-year-old niece(the birthday's boys older sister). I will be honest--my sister's kids have some behavioral issues. My sister left her abusive husband a year and half ago and has since remarried, but both kids show the effects of a chaotic homelife, all the rapid changes, and my niece has definite aggression issues. My sister is working with a child therapist, but they have a long way to go. Anyway, my SIL spent the entire party scolding my son and my niece and nephews over things that I didn't find important--such as my two-year-old and his two-year-old cousins eating birthday cake with their hands instead of forks, my nephew not saying "please," my niece trying to help her brother open presents. The parents were all present, but my SIL still kept scolding the kids. My sister was too polite to say anything except to quietly distract her kids elsewhere.

The final straw came on the playground. My son was hesitant in going down a slide and my niece was behind him. She grew impatient and pushed him down the slide. My SIL was standing there and yelled at my niece, threatning her with time outs and such. My son was crying so I was trying to comfort him, and my niece's step-dad was right there, trying to handle the situation with my niece himself. I finally stepped in and asked my SIL to stop and let my sister's husband handle it. My SIL walked away and soon left the party. She isn't responding to my texts or anything now, which is unusual. SIL and I were good friends long before I married my husband, and we've always hung out and things together. I know she is offended, but I really felt I needed to step in at that point.

 

My husband says SIL has always been like this--scolding and disciplining other people's children--and has always had very high expectations for young kids. I have previously asked him to talk to her about scolding/disciplining our son right in front of us, but he just says it won't change.

 

What do you think? Should I talk to her about it and nicely ask that she refrain from correcting my children when I am present? Let it go and just step in when necessary for both my son and niece and nephews? She is a very loving aunt and great SIL--and we have been friends a long time--, she just seems to be clueless when it comes to appropriate expectations for young kids.

[KnitWit]

Get her a puppy...or two...or three.

[MinivanMom]

Just to clarify...she is invited to all the family events on my side because my inlaws and parents are close, and my in laws are basically adopted grandparents to my niece and nephews. It is getting to the point though where I suspect she will not be invited much longer.

 

I'm not at all opposed to people correcting my son when I'm not present. It's when I am standing right there watching the situation and SIL corrects him that it really irritates me. If he was harming someone else or property and I didn't say anything, that is one thing, but these are really childish, harmless behaviors that I either don't worry about or will correct quietly and privately. Plus, my kids are not yelled at. By anyone. Ever. (Okay. Sometimes I yell. But I try very hard not too)

 

As far as why everyone is letting her get away with it, these family occasions are rare, and the oldest child is only 3. Then there are three cousins, all boys, all 2...so they are really just starting to get into things, misbehave, etc. This isn't a problem that's been going on for years as far as our kids go, and I've only started to notice it the last few months. My sister will be publicly polite to her, since SIL only sees my niece and nephews a few times a year. However, SIL sees my children several times a week, so it is something I need to deal with immediately, before it gets worse. When I first started noticing it, I naively thought saying something like, "He's okay, I told him he could," or "This isn't something we're concerned about," would work. Now I realize I have to be far more blunt about this and say, "Please don't admonish DS in front of me."

 

DH did talk to her. He doesn't think it will do any good, and I am inclined to agree. I know my mom is upset over how my niece was treated at the birthday party, but she probably won't say anything. My mom did make the observation that SIL appears to be overly attached to my kids, and basically refused to give up my five-week-old daughter at the birthday party when my mom(who doesn't see my kids too often) asked to hold her. I hadn't thought of that, but the more I ponder this, I am thinking my mom is right--my SIL, on some level, really does think she is the one mothering my children.

Um...NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

 

(Brehon...DH is still a Medic/FF. I like how you reversed it. He lets the FF part go to his head, especially since I am now a paramedic only. :001_smile:)

 

:001_huh: What?!!

 

Your sil refused to let grandma have a turn holding the baby?! Your sil (who sees the children several times a week) refused to allow grandma (who doesn't see them often) hold the newborn baby? What?! Grandma just accepted sil's authority over the baby? How does that happen? Where were you at the time? Why are you all letting her bully you? This is your newborn baby, for crying out loud. I am truly stunned. If anyone tried that with my newborn baby, I would rake them over the coals and they sure wouldn't be welcome under my roof for a very, very long time.

 

This is not just about disciplining your children in front of you. This is not just about good boundaries when it comes to correcting other people's children. Your sil is having some serious, serious issues here. I don't think your dh's polite talk with his sister could be sufficient in any way. This woman needs to be sternly put in her place.

[MedicMom]

:001_huh: What?!!

 

Your sil refused to let grandma have a turn holding the baby?! Your sil (who sees the children several times a week) refused to allow grandma (who doesn't see them often) hold the newborn baby? What?! Grandma just accepted sil's authority over the baby? How does that happen? Where were you at the time? Why are you all letting her bully you? This is your newborn baby, for crying out loud. I am truly stunned. If anyone tried that with my newborn baby, I would rake them over the coals and they sure wouldn't be welcome under my roof for a very, very long time.

 

This is not just about disciplining your children in front of you. This is not just about good boundaries when it comes to correcting other people's children. Your sil is having some serious, serious issues here. I don't think your dh's polite talk with his sister could be sufficient in any way. This woman needs to be sternly put in her place.

 

I was on the playground with my son. DH was working so I was kind of split two ways. SIL was watching the baby. My mom honestly just said(after SIL said she wanted to hold the baby some more), "Look, SIL, I don't see the kids very often, you see them quite a bit, and I'd really like to hold the baby." Apparently my MIL stepped in at that point and told my SIL to give the baby up to my mom. I'm sure it was all done nicely, and my mom was able to hold my daughter for a while. But just the fact that SIL refused totally stunned me. I didn't hear about this till today.

 

Before anyone asks, my SIL sees my children often because my MIL--with whom I have no complaints or issues at all--watches my kids twice a week when both DH and I are working. SIL lives in an apartment on the property and so is at my ILs when the kids are there. That isn't a situation I can change at this point; my MIL is fantastic with my children and I don't have any other childcare choices right now.

 

(DH says SIL has always, always been bossy and overbearing, especially when young children are concerned. Apparently many people over the years have told her to stop, and she just winds up alienating people and losing friends. It does seem to be even worse with my kids, though, and I think my mother hit the nail on the head when she said SIL is too attached and tries to be the mother instead of the aunt.)

Edited July 6, 2012 by MedicMom

[swellmomma]

Your SIL sure sounds like a peice of work. Your family is far too gracious for your own good. I am not saying your family should be out acting like trash but serious there needs to be some boudaries set and maintained. Even your mom offered more grace than she should have. I know if my sil had refused to had my newborn over to my mom my mom would not have been so polite. she likely would have looked at sil with the same look you give a cheeky teen with an "Excuse me??"

 

Then again grammas don't have to ask permission to hold babies in my family. They simply announce "my turn" while already wrapping arms around baby and taking away from whomever else is holding him/her. Certainly a grown woman should not need her mother to step in and tell her to hand the baby over.

 

And if you really think your sil thinks she has some control/authority over your kids it is time for a mother to sil talk about this. Your dh will talk to her but in the end it is his sister so he will keep it sweet. It is time for momma bear to step up and draw that line in the sand making it clear that sil may NOT usurp your authority over your children, and any continued attempts will be met with limited access to said children.

[Candid]

Before anyone asks, my SIL sees my children often because my MIL--with whom I have no complaints or issues at all--watches my kids twice a week when both DH and I are working. SIL lives in an apartment on the property and so is at my ILs when the kids are there. That isn't a situation I can change at this point; my MIL is fantastic with my children and I don't have any other childcare choices right now.

 

 

This actually, explains a lot. If she is with your children a lot in a supervisory role then some of what she is doing with your children is stems from that. It's difficult to break a habit of correcting children or restrain yourself because you are in a different setting. I realize that mil is supposed to be in charge, but my guess is sil does her share of helping out when they are there. If your children aren't showing signs of problems, then I wouldn't get my knickers in a knot about this (her supervising while they are at mil's).

 

I'd try gently reminding her of roles when she comes to family events. If she lives with mil and you want mil to stay in your children's lives then gentle is the way to go. Personally, I'd let dh do it as much as possible.

[Danestress]

It is ok if she is peeved. It is ok that your DH might be peeved. I think you have to take his feelings into account. And it sounds like you care about sil's feelings too. But you needed to say something and you did. I would give sil space. Stop reaching out for a few days. It will blow over but you needed to say something and you will be glad you did.

[Lisbeth]

:iagree:

 

Personally, I was annoyed with her before I read in your follow-up post that others have spoken with her about the same behavior. Now I just think she's nervy, bossy, and incredibly obnoxious.

 

I am amazed that you and other family members have let her get away with being such a meddling witch.

 

I'm sure she has her good points, but I would also be incredibly offended at her lack of courtesy toward all of the parents involved, as she is treating you and your relatives very disrespectfully. I would absolutely never tolerate her comments about and toward my child, and I would call her on it every single time -- and believe me, I would only be nice about it on the first few occasions. After that, all bets would be off.

 

I agree. I think she continues because no one will give her the come to Jesus she needs. I would be extremely blunt in the moment. I would not JADE or concern myself with nice...she doesn't seem too preoccupied with being nice to you. I wouldn't ASK her to stop, I would TELL her to o in no uncertain terms. Her feelings would come far behind my duty to my kids.

[labst60]

My childless BIL (sister's Dh) used to be a problem "discipling" my children (only kids in the family). Sometimes he'd do it in front of me and DH, which drove us nuts - silly things like telling them to quiet down at dinner, etc (We were right there - and they were loud - but normal kid excited loud - nothing to be corrected by someone other than their parents.)

 

Final straw occured when the girls visted them in their home a few times...

 

I get "his house, his rules"...but....

 

He threatened to put my 2yo in time out if she peed IN HER PULL UP (she wasn't potty trained yet)

 

And threatened to send the kids to the basement for something (dont remember what... not finishing their dinner maybe??)

 

And some other trivial misbehaviour (whining I believe - my DD was 5 and could be quite the whiner) he threatned a spanking. Supposedly, he wasn't really going to do it - it was just a "threat".

 

That CLEARLY was the final straw.

 

It wasn't pretty but we laid the law down there.

[garddwr]

This actually, explains a lot. If she is with your children a lot in a supervisory role then some of what she is doing with your children is stems from that. It's difficult to break a habit of correcting children or restrain yourself because you are in a different setting. I realize that mil is supposed to be in charge, but my guess is sil does her share of helping out when they are there. If your children aren't showing signs of problems, then I wouldn't get my knickers in a knot about this (her supervising while they are at mil's).

 

I'd try gently reminding her of roles when she comes to family events. If she lives with mil and you want mil to stay in your children's lives then gentle is the way to go. Personally, I'd let dh do it as much as possible.

 

This would make sense for OP's children, but not for her sister's children who don't spend time at MIL's house--most of us are used to correcting our own children but don't extend it to correcting other people's children when the parents are with them.

[Ewe Mama]

Does anyone else have alarm bells going off? This entire situation is making me concerned about possible psychological problems in the SIL. Is she trying to create a perfect fantasy world where she is in absolute control of everything and everyone?

 

I apologize if I'm waaaaayyyy off base, but after reading the entire thread, this was my impression. :leaving:

 

I got a "Hand That Rocks the Cradle" feeling....

[Galatea]

Certainly a grown woman should not need her mother to step in and tell her to hand the baby over.

 

:iagree: This little incident would have me raging at her. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior from someone over about 4 years old. I would talk to her, very bluntly and firmly, probably with her own mother present. If your MIL is watching the kids, I would let her know that SIL isn't welcome until she can modify her behavior. If that doesn't work, ask your MIL to come to your house instead of bringing your kids there. No, this is obviously not the easy route, but how long do you want to be putting up with your SIL trying to usurp your role as mother? Because that is what she is trying to do.

[MinivanMom]

I was on the playground with my son. DH was working so I was kind of split two ways. SIL was watching the baby. My mom honestly just said(after SIL said she wanted to hold the baby some more), "Look, SIL, I don't see the kids very often, you see them quite a bit, and I'd really like to hold the baby." Apparently my MIL stepped in at that point and told my SIL to give the baby up to my mom. I'm sure it was all done nicely, and my mom was able to hold my daughter for a while. But just the fact that SIL refused totally stunned me. I didn't hear about this till today.

 

Before anyone asks, my SIL sees my children often because my MIL--with whom I have no complaints or issues at all--watches my kids twice a week when both DH and I are working. SIL lives in an apartment on the property and so is at my ILs when the kids are there. That isn't a situation I can change at this point; my MIL is fantastic with my children and I don't have any other childcare choices right now.

 

(DH says SIL has always, always been bossy and overbearing, especially when young children are concerned. Apparently many people over the years have told her to stop, and she just winds up alienating people and losing friends. It does seem to be even worse with my kids, though, and I think my mother hit the nail on the head when she said SIL is too attached and tries to be the mother instead of the aunt.)

 

This explains so much. Even if you view it as MIL watching the kids, you really don't know how much access and authority MIL is giving to SIL. SIL may view herself as the one watching the kids. I can't tell you how many times I have heard a grandma/aunt say (in seriousness) that she was really the mother, because dil/sil worked and she provided the childcare. In my experience, it is always big trouble when you allow extended family with boundary issues to babysit/provide childcare. Obviously, this doesn't describe your MIL, but due to the overall situation SIL may genuinely view herself as the one providing childcare. I know you say that you don't have any other childcare choices. Is it a money issue or are you working overnight shifts? I don't see how this situation can improve if your SIL is regularly with your kids without you present. I would be highly motivated to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to find alternative childcare.

 

:iagree: This little incident would have me raging at her. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior from someone over about 4 years old. I would talk to her, very bluntly and firmly, probably with her own mother present. If your MIL is watching the kids, I would let her know that SIL isn't welcome until she can modify her behavior. If that doesn't work, ask your MIL to come to your house instead of bringing your kids there. No, this is obviously not the easy route, but how long do you want to be putting up with your SIL trying to usurp your role as mother? Because that is what she is trying to do.

 

:iagree:

 

Is there a reason why MIL can't come to your home?

 

Another thing to consider . . . It sounds like you really love and value your in-laws. The worse you allow this situation to get, the more likely it is to blow up in the future and potentially cause some sort of rift. It doesn't sound like that is where you want to be headed. Even though it sounds counter-intuitive, I think making alternative childcare arrangements could be a way to preserve your relationship with your in-laws. If things continue as they are, MIL will inevitably be drawn in and I don't know of many women who would side with a DIL over their own daughter. It will be much easier to avoid conflict if MIL is either watching the kids at your home or you find different childcare altogether. Then SIL won't have access to your children when you aren't there and it will be easier to establish and maintain some boundaries. Just a thought.

[Candid]

This would make sense for OP's children, but not for her sister's children who don't spend time at MIL's house--most of us are used to correcting our own children but don't extend it to correcting other people's children when the parents are with them.

 

She's also a school teacher, she's used to correcting a lot of people's children.

[MedicMom]

I don't think it's anything psychological. It's basically that if she sees a small child that she has at least a passing acquaintance with who is doing something she doesn't think they should, she tells them to stop. Even if the parents are standing right there. I've never seen her admonish a stranger's child, it's just kids she knows somewhat.

 

She works at a school that has a lot of troubled kids, so I assume she spends a lot of time handling discipline problems all day at work.

 

I don't have any other choices for childcare. We have looked into day care, but they would still end up at MIL's part of the day because of the shift hours I worked. For the very few hours we would need(because I go into work at 3 and all the day cares shut down at 5 or 6) it just isn't cost effective. There are no options for evening or weekend childcare where we live, which is very rural, and I usually work either overnights or weekends. DH and I are trying to work opposite shifts but the kids are still going to be at MIL's at least once a week. MIL can't come here because she runs a small daycare during the week and our kids are just part of that, though she doesn't charge us. Basically SIL has a lot of time with kids in an authority position, and maybe she just doesn't know how to turn it off. I sometimes really don't think she knows she's doing it.

 

But I also do think she's overly attached to my kids and has way high expectations for two-year-old behavior.

[Skadi]

I just wanted to reiterate Ann's point that this is not a high expectations problem, but a boundaries problem.

 

I would never let my two year old eat cake with his hands, and saying please and thank you are not optional in our house. Most people would say our expectations are very high, and there are many who would say we're too strict. But I would never, ever, EVER scold someone else's child whose family obviously placed a different set of expectations for him. Even if I was with a family whose parenting style was almost identical to my own, I would not chastise the child -- the parents can see their kids as well as I, and it would be very disrespectful of me to micromanage their parenting.

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug:

[RanchGirl]

Your SIL sounds like a wackadoodle and worse than that, unpleasant to be around for you and your children. If people have already spoken to her baout appropriate boundaries, there's not much more to say. I sure wouldn't suggest that you or your dh call her and tip toe around the fact that her behavior is completely out of line. Honestly if she wouldn't back off from the slide situation, where the child's step-dad was right there trying to handle it, she isn't interested in changing this behavior.

 

The only thing I would add other than clearly explaining the boundaries to her, ONCE, is that you want your children to love her and she is making that impossible. The aunt's job is to be the fun one and it's not too late for her to be that if she changes things. Her "discipline" is not just inappropriate, it's utterly pointless because it's only making the kids dislike her, not teaching them manners. (oh the irony of someone this rude trying to teach children manners. Next you'll tell me that she never graduated 8th grade but is teaching AP English.)

 

And please tell me that your sister and her husband won't be inviting your SIL to the next party? You may have to see this woman at family events, but they sure don't!

Edited July 8, 2012 by RanchGirl

[Katy]

I just read Bringing Up Bebe about a woman raising her children in France, where apparently almost all children are perfectly well behaved, and how a not-yet friend visiting got down in front of a toddler and gave her a "We don't pull the books off the shelves" lecture. It mystified me as to why the writer wasn't a little upset about the whole thing.

 

I think the most important dynamic in your case is that with your husband. This is clearly REALLY bothering you, and he needs to understand that this is about you protecting your kids, and that this situation WILL be addressed, and it will be addressed firmly so that it stops, because your relationship with your SIL is not as important as your children.

 

Then I would give him the option of having a discussion with her about it. If he doesn't address it, I would. Loudly, erring on the side of rudely and publicly, I would make it obviously clear that she has crossed a line every single time she starts to step towards one. I might even take a little joy in it, like I was correcting her just the same way she was correcting my child.

 

I'm patient about a lot of things, but disrupting my family dynamic wouldn't be one of them.

[garddwr]

I just read Bringing Up Bebe about a woman raising her children in France, where apparently almost all children are perfectly well behaved, and how a not-yet friend visiting got down in front of a toddler and gave her a "We don't pull the books off the shelves" lecture. It mystified me as to why the writer wasn't a little upset about the whole thing.

 

 

Total hijack, but my sister read this book and it just about drove her crazy with the author's rose-colored glasses looking at French family dynamics. We lived in France as kids and experienced French society from a child's perspective, and, um, it was definitely not a rosy experience. It's true that French adults demand respect from children and the children tend to toe the line--but they then turn around and try to enforce a similar hierarchy of power among themselves--kids beating each other up in the play yard at school was a regular occurrence, and the adults let it happen. Meh, French parenting overall is definitely not something I want to imitate in my family. Of course, not all French parents are the same (just as not all American parents are the same) and there are certainly some fabulous parents out there on all sides.