She Did It. I KNEW She Would.

[FaithManor]

Stand strong IMP!

 

Seriously, not only are you protecting your children and your marriage, but you are sending the only message....literally the.single.only.message. that your mother might someday listen to and the only one that if enough people in her life gave her that message might send her to a psychiatrist for help.

 

Mothers are not made by biology, but by the position they serve in your life. To our honorary daughter, I may have never birthed her, but I am "mom". I serve that capacity. Her NPD biological parent does not and cannot be given that kind of control in her life because the crazy has become far too dangerous.

 

It sucks! :grouphug: You.are.doing.great.!

 

Faith

[SKL]

I would just say that if you change your home number without an explanation, she will call the work number all the time.

I'd rather have 100 nasty voice mails than risk messing up a new job over family drama.

[OnTheBrink]

sometimes relationships must be severed just for saftey's sake - and it is entirely up to imp to decide if that's where they are. If you have never dealt with such a person, consider this a great opportunity to read and learn what some of us have learned firsthand.

 

Spoken by someone who truly does not understand or can even imagine what life is like when one has a very disturbed mother.

 

I don't care if someone is a "mother" if that person is out to hurt. The title "mother" does NOT demand respect in all circumstances.

 

I get it 100%. :grouphug:

 

I haven't seen my mom (NPD) for two yrs.

 

I'm just over one yr of ZERO contact-cut ALL ties.

 

...

 

As for respecting her JUST because she's my mom? Our well respected pastor said the best way to Biblically honor her was to be the best mom I could be to my own dc. And that, is impossible to do if she's in my life, since she makes me physically sick.

 

Stay strong Imp. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Imp is respecting the fact that her mother is mentally ILL and refusing to feed the illness.

 

I tell my kids this all the time; RESPECT is EARNED. It is not given. Imp's mother hasn't earned any respect from what I've read.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Sorry you're going through this, Imp. Can Wolf's work block her number? Can he get a different work #?

 

My pastor also told me, after my showing him a nasty letter my NPD mother sent me, that the most honoring thing I could do for her was to not engage and give her more opportunities to sin against me.

[Impish]

TM:

 

I feel that I *am* respecting the role of mother by no longer allowing/enabling her to sin by tolerating her toxic behaviour.

 

I am respecting the role of mother by protecting my family from it.

 

I'm honestly confused by how you think I'm disrespecting her. Exactly what would respecting her look like in your view? (Not being snarky, genuinely would like to know).

 

I don't hate her. I'm not making the choices I'm making out of a desire to punish, or revenge. Saying that she's a sociopath is the same as if she were a diabetic and I said that. It's a statement of fact, not hyperbole or insult.

 

I have tried, over and over again to have a relationship w/her. I've forgiven things that I could've/should've filed criminal charges over. It's simply impossible to have her in my life and be free of toxic nasty behaviour. This woman *brags* about manipulating and conning ppl. She takes genuine pleasure in hurting others.

 

I cannot fix her. I cannot fix our relationship. All I can do now is prevent her from causing more damage by continuing to allow her in our lives.

[Jenny in Florida]

I've checked, very carefully, and know that she's up a creek in terms of gpa rights. Can't happen.

 

I'm glad you checked. I didn't want to alarm you, but (given my own experiences) it was something that poppped into my head.

[Impish]

I'm glad you checked. I didn't want to alarm you, but (given my own experiences) it was something that poppped into my head.

First off, we're in diff provinces, so she'd have to come here to file. Family ct is provincial, not federal, so she'd have to file where we reside.

 

The way my province has outline gpa rights, Wolf and I would have to be seperated/divorced/widow(er) before the court would even hear her. None of that obviously exists.

 

Plus, she'd have to prove that she's been an ongoing, positive relationship w/the children, that her not being allowed access would be detrimenal to them. There's no way she can prove that fantasy.

[AmyontheFarm]

Hey Imp, know that we are praying for you and tell Wolf we are praying for him too!

[tex-mex]

You really think that if Hitler had kids, they should have respected him? You think if your mom was a murderer, you'd want to have a nice small talk chat whenever she felt like it?

 

All the position "mom" means is that she gave birth. That means nothing. That you can say this means you have absolutely NO IDEA what kind of person you might be talking about. There's a lot more going on for some people than simple disagreement, which is when your last sentence might apply. If you've never had more than that, you're a lucky person.

:iagree:

[Galatea]

I would be gobsmacked too, if this is actually what I said or implied in any way.

 

It isn't. I stated that sometimes safety issues require separation, but nothing requires disrespect.

 

What, exactly, did you feel was disrespectful that you needed to call out? The OP did not have a list of nasty names for her mother, or something like that. She simply said she wanted no more contact. What is disrespectful about that?

 

If you think motherhood automatically deserves respect, are you in contact with every mother in the world? Do you have a relationship with all of them? Oh, you make decisions based on their place in your life and whether it is a healthy relationship? Well, everyone else deserves to make that choice too, even about their own mothers, without people trying to make them feel guilty about it.

 

You admit that you were lucky and had a good mother. Maybe that means you have no ability to relate and shouldn't judge people in vastly different circumstances to you.

[gardenmom5]

When I cut off contact with my mother, my priest, who was also her priest, told me I was the "hero child" in the family for breaking the cycle of abuse.

:grouphug: it's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. ;)

 

I was the one who said "no more' to my grandmother - I got flak from everyone else in the family who were still trying to please the woman who could never be pleased. my brother was still giving me flak - 18 years after the she died. I no longer have contact with him.

Edited July 1, 2012 by gardenmom5

[pdalley]

I would be gobsmacked too, if this is actually what I said or implied in any way.

 

It isn't. I stated that sometimes safety issues require separation, but nothing requires disrespect.

 

You would respect someone who continually abused you? :confused:

 

Abusers are NOT entitled to respect. They forfeit the right to respect when they refuse to get help, change and continue the abuse.

 

Giving birth does not change that - IMO. Nor does fathering a child. Procreating does not entitle one to life long respect.

 

Imp :grouphug:

[1pageatatime]

You know nothing of my rather broad life experiences, though granted...I did have a great mother.

 

 

 

I disagree. What goes around comes around. Or, as the Bible puts it, "Your deeds shall return on your own head." Make sure they are deeds that you can live with.

 

I stand by what I said. Safety issues might require separation, but nothing requires dishonoring and disrespecting and trashing your mother (not saying OP is doing this, but merely that doing this would never better the situation, as you seem to suggest might be justified in some cases).

 

If you feel the need to bring the Bible into this discussion, you might be interested in checking out this website.

 

http://www.luke173ministries.org

[annandatje]

Imp, I recommend outofthefog.net. It has a forum that is specifically for discussions of dealing with personality disordered people in your life.

[Impish]

Thanks for all the support. :grouphug:

[Wildcat]

.

Edited January 6, 2023 by Wildcat

[GoodGrief]

Don't know if this has been posted before. It's an excellent first person account by the daughter of a BPD mother.

 

https://sites.google.com/site/nonborderlinedaughter/

 

All I can say is that if you haven't dealt with a borderline, you have no idea. Truly.

 

I went rare contact ten-plus years ago. It is NOT a natural situation, and no daughter feels good about "abandoning" a parent, especially a mother. And many of us with borderline parents have been conditioned to be all-available. They are black holes of neediness and we are holding the buckets, desperately attempting to fill that void.

 

There's little hope for a borderline/sociopath/narcissist. They have to want to change, and be willing to work hard for the rest of their lives in therapy. It's the unusual one who can get better. In the mean time, they remain focused on various people. Many times it's the children. And ANY contact is like gasoline on the fire.

 

Hugs to you. I totally understand having to explain the situation to well-meaning, but disapproving people, over and over. For those who try to help my parent though, they do catch on quickly. I've learned to be polite and wait it out.

[Impish]

I appreciate the understanding and support.

 

Thanks for the links! :001_smile:

[gardenmom5]

There's little hope for a borderline/sociopath/narcissist. They have to want to change,

 

but they are perfect. :001_rolleyes: there is nothing wrong with them so why should they change? :svengo: how could we even suggest such a thing? we are just so ungrateful not to appreciate how we are blessed by having them in our lives. :willy_nilly: (how many grandmother's does it take to change a lightbulb? none. I'll just sit here in the dark.)

 

 

I totally understand having to explain the situation to well-meaning, but disapproving people, over and over .

 

I just say my grandmother "was a difficult person" and leave it at that. In my experience, few people who have no clue actually want to have a clue because it turns their belief that people are inherently good topsey turvey.

 

I've actually been blown away by how many on the board have experienced how one of these people can "bless" their lives. It's been great to have a community who understand.:grouphug:

[Impish]

but they are perfect. :001_rolleyes: there is nothing wrong with them so why should they change? :svengo: how could we even suggest such a thing? we are just so ungrateful not to appreciate how we are blessed by having them in our lives. :willy_nilly: (how many grandmother's does it take to change a lightbulb? none. I'll just sit here in the dark.)

 

I just say my grandmother "was a difficult person" and leave it at that. In my experience, few people who have no clue actually want to have a clue because it turns their belief that people are inherently good topsey turvey.

 

I've actually been blown away by how many on the board have experienced how one of these people can "bless" their lives. It's been great to have a community who understand.:grouphug:

That was one of my first realizations that something was truly, clinically wrong. My maternal unit never, EVER admits to being wrong. E.V.E.R. Either it never happened, I'm remembering wrong (aka I'm lying), she doesn't remember, it's completely twisted out of shape so that I'm wrong/responsible (ie, if *I* hadn't left home at 15, they would have paid for my secondary education. It was *MY* fault for leaving...that Dad was charged w/assault, and had been beating the living snot out of me for yrs never happened, of course. According to her testimony in court, I left home and chose foster care b/c I'd gotten grounded from the phone :001_huh::glare:)...She's never wrong. She's perfect.

 

She brags about how stupid ppl are, she laughs at manipulating and conning ppl, both of them laugh and take delight in ripping stores/ppl off.

[8circles]

If you feel the need to bring the Bible into this discussion, you might be interested in checking out this website.

 

http://www.luke173ministries.org

 

Sorry to revive this thread but I wanted to thank you so much for this link. It has been incredibly helpful to me. I can't even tell you how much im grateful that you posted it. Thank you 1000x.

[1pageatatime]

Sorry to revive this thread but I wanted to thank you so much for this link. It has been incredibly helpful to me. I can't even tell you how much im grateful that you posted it. Thank you 1000x.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

I read a couple of quotes I wanted to share (I love quotes):

 

"Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me."

 

and

 

"I don't cut people out of my life because I hate them. I do so because I respect ME."

[Impish]

Excellent quotes, THA!

 

Since the thread was up again, I've gotten more 'private callers', no vm in the last 2 days.

 

Yippee.

[Maverick_Mom]

Narcissists feed off what we call "respect." It gives them a feeling of power and of entitlement. It reinforces the notion that they are the Queen Bee and have the right to control the lives of those around them, and nowhere is that more apparent than with their own family members. "Respect" is a noble concept -- but to a narcissist, "respect" is like crack.

 

There's also something called The Bad Mommy Taboo -- it's the unwritten rule that says you mustn't say bad things about Mommy, even when she's a Bad Mommy. And if you dare to do so anyway, it will often produce negative responses in people who don't understand because they have no experience with a Bad Mommy.

 

(My mother pulled a similar stunt years ago with trying to track me down.)

Edited July 6, 2012 by Maverick_Mom