For those who have chosen to be done having babies...

[momtoamiracle]

well, I was only able to have one child due to multiple pregnancy loss and infertility. I really wanted two children and I couldn't have the 2nd one, after struggling to have the first one.

 

 

It's been a very painful journey, more than you can ever imagine.

 

 

If you truly decide to stop at six, feel lucky you were able to have that many and enjoy what you have. There will be a point where you won't have any more children, be it 6 or 60 kids, so you're going to go through this eventually. You'll just have to decide for yourself and for your families sake when you can deal with being done. It's a long process when you really want more children. It's taken me years. Of course I don'thave a houseful and my child has no siblings so it's a bit ofa different situation. You'll probably always have the pangs. I've had to pick up the pieces ofmy broken heart many times. After a while it takes less effortto pick them up.Eventually it's doesn't break so hard.

 

all in all, give yourself time, if this is what you really decide to do.

[Impish]

That's up to you. I know LOTS of people with children numbering in the dozen range. In some ways, it's easier, they tell me (costly, though, to feed them!).

 

You can always take it a month at a time. You don't have to make a decision permanently. Just ask yourself each month if you feel like maybe you can handle getting pregnant again.

 

I, on the other hand, did it the dumbest way possible and don't recommend: I have a 13.5yo and a 20 month old. :svengo:

Well...my eldest is 19 (20 this yr) and Boo is 7 mths.

 

Or is it the 'no kids in btwn' thing?

[Kari C in SC]

I decided I'd be done with 2 and had a tubal the day after my second was born. Maybe that sounds a bit drastic, but I really thought that 2 was the right amount from me and I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be able to change my mind.

 

I don't regret the decision at all. This doesn't mean that occasionally the though doesn't creep up of wondering what it would have been like to have more, but no I don't regret it.

 

I was the same except with number 3. I just knew I was done. My husband said we were done with 2, but I wasn't sure - so we didn't do anything permanent. When we decided on 3, we both knew this was our family. I have never had any regrets - not even when I lost my oldest child.

[Mandylubug]

We knew we were finished when we learned that I was expecting twins. I had the tubal the same day as my c-section. I have no fuzzy, warm baby fever when I see infants even though I had HUGE baby fever before I had kids, after each boy. Perhaps, it is just the stress of four kids all within three years of each other but I just have never had the urge or need for more. My heart is full :)

[fraidycat]

I did not have to "deal with it". I'm so done that there is nothing to deal with. I have no regrets, no twinges of baby fever, nothing. An unexpected pregnancy would probably send me to a rubber room...that is when I would have something to "deal with", and it probably wouldn't be pretty.

 

I now look forward to my kids (and MY) independence. The day that I can leave them at home and go to the store without having to say "No, you can't have that." 20 times in one trip. When DH and I can go out and enjoy a day or evening without hearing whining and attitude, or having to find a babysitter. When I can sit down and read a whole chapter of a book without interruption...or use the bathroom for 30 seconds without interruption, for that matter (they have a radar - they need me the moment I step foot in the bathroom doorway). In the meantime, I will try to enjoy them at the stage they're at (whining, bickering, attitudes and all) and it does make me sad when they seem to get so big so fast.

 

There is more to me than being Mom. I look forward to exploring what all that is.

[AdventureMoms]

We are done. I was torn about it for awhile, and I still am sometimes. I like the second half of pregnancy, and I loved nursing and babywearing and tiny little sweet things sleeping on me. Last summer we were so sure we wanted more that we had a donor picked out and I had started tracking my cycle. That baby would have been a newborn about now, if it had gone according to plan. Or I would be pregnant. Let me tell you, either of those options makes me want to cry.

 

I find it helps a LOT to think about all the stuff we can do without babies in the house. Visits to friends where I don't have to drag along diaper bags. Playing board games with DD without anyone coming along and dumping the board. Homeschooling without trying to figure things out around nap schedules and toddler distractions. Peeing alone. Maybe even showering alone! Little stuff like that.

 

Also big stuff. I've wanted a boat since pretty much forever. I'm saving up for one now, since in a few years I won't have to take a baby along so I might actually get to use one. Travel is HUGE for us. Being able to camp/roadtrip/fly to places without dealing with naps, people who can't safely sleep alone in a normal bed, childproofing, etc will be awesome.

[Veritaserum]

We are done. I was torn about it for awhile, and I still am sometimes. I like the second half of pregnancy, and I loved nursing and babywearing and tiny little sweet things sleeping on me. Last summer we were so sure we wanted more that we had a donor picked out and I had started tracking my cycle. That baby would have been a newborn about now, if it had gone according to plan. Or I would be pregnant. Let me tell you, either of those options makes me want to cry.

 

I find it helps a LOT to think about all the stuff we can do without babies in the house. Visits to friends where I don't have to drag along diaper bags. Playing board games with DD without anyone coming along and dumping the board. Homeschooling without trying to figure things out around nap schedules and toddler distractions. Peeing alone. Maybe even showering alone! Little stuff like that.

 

Also big stuff. I've wanted a boat since pretty much forever. I'm saving up for one now, since in a few years I won't have to take a baby along so I might actually get to use one. Travel is HUGE for us. Being able to camp/roadtrip/fly to places without dealing with naps, people who can't safely sleep alone in a normal bed, childproofing, etc will be awesome.

 

:lol: It's the little things.

 

In your siggy it says your sons are 18 months old. Are they twins? And you were considering adding a newborn now? :svengo: I had a hard time with my 4th and 5th being 21 months apart. It's why number 6 came almost 4 years later. :tongue_smilie: We are absolutely done now (says the woman with a 3-week-old). :)

[BakersDozen]

How did you deal with it? I'm just trying to come to terms with this. The idea of being done is just so sad to me. I have been having babies my entire adulthood. I have no idea who I would be without having a baby. That, of course, is a stupid reason to continue but I genuinely love having babies. But how many more than 6 can a person really handle, kwim?

 

I'm just feeling overwhelmed and wondering how to come to terms with this season of life being over. As fun as grandbabies will be, it's just not the same without being able to go through a pregnancy, give birth, nurse, etc. I told dh that it feels like old age and death is the only thing I have to look forward to once our having babies stage is over. So clearly I need to adjust my attitude.

I could have written this post (except for the bold/italic part, lol ;)). I have absolutely nothing to offer to OP as I'm right there with you and am trying to ignore the fact that I'm no spring chicken and this beautiful part of my life may be coming to an end (oh, how I hope I'm wrong...at least for quite a few more years!). I loved this response:

 

If you truly decide to stop at six, feel lucky you were able to have that many and enjoy what you have. There will be a point where you won't have any more children, be it 6 or 60 kids, so you're going to go through this eventually. You'll just have to decide for yourself and for your families sake when you can deal with being done. It's a long process when you really want more children. It's taken me years. Of course I don'thave a houseful and my child has no siblings so it's a bit ofa different situation. You'll probably always have the pangs. I've had to pick up the pieces ofmy broken heart many times. After a while it takes less effortto pick them up.Eventually it's doesn't break so hard.

 

all in all, give yourself time, if this is what you really decide to do.

I remind myself daily (OK, sometimes more than just daily) that when the time comes for me to move on that it will be a process and for me it will probably take a long, long time. My heart, my energy, my focus, my very being has been having/raising precious ones for so long I cannot imagine doing anything else. I'm guessing it will hurt a lot emotionally yet it will get better.

 

Ugh, this topic makes me so sad. :(

[JennyB]

Gah, SEE?! So what IS there to enjoy about the teen stage? All the things you all mentioned are what I am dreading! Please tell me it isn't all just cooking massive amounts of food, chauffeuring, and dealing with smelly, huge bodies?? Ugh, that sounds TERRIBLE! LOL At least if I keep having babies I will have a baby to enjoy during all of that, right? :tongue_smilie:

 

I mean, with all teens you have more time to yourself at least, right? No butts to wipe anymore? No screaming at you when you tell them no (Hopefully?)...?

 

LOL. I am pregnant with my 7th right now and it was a huge decision to have another. My 6th has had health issues and at 2 is still pretty much a baby. But I always KNEW that there was another child for our family. Now that I am pregnant I also KNOW that I am done. Most people I talk to tell me they knew when they were done. It is bittersweet to think of this being my last pregnancy, birth, nursing etc. But all of life stages are so amazing.

 

As for teenagers... My oldest DS will be 18 in Jan, his brother will be 16 in Dec. and my daughter will be 13 in Sept. And then there are the littles. I love my teenagers. Do they smell? Yes. do they eat me out of house and home? Yes. Do they bring me so much joy. Yes. I love my talks with my olders. I love it when they come home from activiites and can't wait to tell me about it. (warning though: you have to catch your sons when they come home even if it is midnight to get details about their activiites. IF you wait till the next day or later you get a very much abbreviated version. My daughter will remember every detail much later. :D) I love this journey with them as they are discovering the adults they want to be. I love just hanging out with my teenagers. Their sense of humor, the discussions, deep theological, psychological discussions are amazing and help me to grow. Because as they get older they start to question and search it is great. They are so much help around the house and with the younger kids.

 

The teenager stage is different in a really, really good way. I have always firmly had the belief that you need to find the joy in the stage you are at with each of your children because they grow so fast. It was just yesterday, I swear, that my 18 ds was 2 and cooking his first scrambled eggs. It goes by to fast. I just tell myself that I will have plenty of time when the kids are grown and gone to explore everything that I want to do.

[AdventureMoms]

:lol: It's the little things.

 

In your siggy it says your sons are 18 months old. Are they twins? And you were considering adding a newborn now? :svengo: I had a hard time with my 4th and 5th being 21 months apart. It's why number 6 came almost 4 years later. :tongue_smilie: We are absolutely done now (says the woman with a 3-week-old). :)

 

Yes 18mo twins. And a newborn. Sound like fun? I'm SO happy I backed out on that one. At the time the twins were in an easier phase - sleeping pretty well, happy to amuse themselves, and not crawling or getting into stuff yet. Now I find them on top of all the furniture after emptying the bookshelves at least once a day. Yesterday one of them fished the other's poop out of his diaper and I found them wrestling over it.

 

I'm really ready to focus some energy on something other than keeping everyone alive and fed (and non-poop-covered). Also, I feel like DD has given up a LOT these past two years, and it would be nice for her to get to a place where once in awhile her requests get met by something other than "after your brothers go to bed" or "not while I'm changing a diaper!"

 

Looking at others' posts - being able to go out and leave the kids home will be awesome! Also, someday I bet they will all just walk up the stairs and go to bed without me having to fix bottles and nighttime snacks, bathe them, find special blankies, etc.

 

Other stuff I look forward to: when everyone is old enough to vomit into a receptacle of some sort. When the stomach bug hits our house I always end up carrying 2500 loads of puked on bedding down two flights of stairs at 2am, usually while sick myself. Also, I'm told that someday if I'm sick and the kids are not, I can tell them "mama is going to go throw up now" and they won't be trying to follow me and stick their hands in the toilet while I'm doing it. Or screaming at the top of their lungs because I've locked them out. Incidentally, I had morning sickness pretty bad when pregnant, so regular pregnancy puking with the current crew is a pretty big turnoff too.

[DianeW88]

Yes 18mo twins. And a newborn. Sound like fun? I'm SO happy I backed out on that one. At the time the twins were in an easier phase - sleeping pretty well, happy to amuse themselves, and not crawling or getting into stuff yet. Now I find them on top of all the furniture after emptying the bookshelves at least once a day. Yesterday one of them fished the other's poop out of his diaper and I found them wrestling over it.

 

I'm really ready to focus some energy on something other than keeping everyone alive and fed (and non-poop-covered). Also, I feel like DD has given up a LOT these past two years, and it would be nice for her to get to a place where once in awhile her requests get met by something other than "after your brothers go to bed" or "not while I'm changing a diaper!"

 

Looking at others' posts - being able to go out and leave the kids home will be awesome! Also, someday I bet they will all just walk up the stairs and go to bed without me having to fix bottles and nighttime snacks, bathe them, find special blankies, etc.

 

Other stuff I look forward to: when everyone is old enough to vomit into a receptacle of some sort. When the stomach bug hits our house I always end up carrying 2500 loads of puked on bedding down two flights of stairs at 2am, usually while sick myself. Also, I'm told that someday if I'm sick and the kids are not, I can tell them "mama is going to go throw up now" and they won't be trying to follow me and stick their hands in the toilet while I'm doing it. Or screaming at the top of their lungs because I've locked them out. Incidentally, I had morning sickness pretty bad when pregnant, so regular pregnancy puking with the current crew is a pretty big turnoff too.

 

:lol: Your post is making me break out in hives. :lol:

 

Hang in there...toddlerhood doesn't quite last forever. It just feels like it.

 

In my neighborhood, we had SIX sets of twins in one year (I started drinking bottled water :D). My one friend used to regularly call her mother and say, "I'm putting the boys on ebay right now if you want to get the first bid in. I. am. done." She had a particularly rough morning when they somehow opened a tube of Desitin and mixed it with poop then decorated their entire bedroom (walls, cribs, carpet, toys) with the combination. :svengo:

[jelbe5]

:grouphug:

 

Due to health issues I had with our youngest, dh was adamant about being done. I cried and prayed that the longing would pass and it did.

 

God did bring some young girls into our lives and into our church family. It is not quite what I wanted, but it is rewarding! :grouphug:

[Laura in NC]

We decided to be done after our third one. This was due to pregnancy being extremely hard on my body and my kidney's being very affected. We had 3 kids in 3 years. I also had horrible PPD and it got worse with each one. The third time was scary so that played into our decision also. It took a lot of prayer and consideration.

 

That being said, I went through a period of "mourning" a few years after this and began wanting more kids. I went through this off and on for a while.

 

After our dd11 got her diagnosis, all yearning for another child went away. DD11 has been sick her whole life. Our other two have a lot of the same symptoms she has. Once we realized she had Mito, we began suspecting our other 2 have it also. If they all have it, there is an extremely high chance we could pass it on to other children we have. We had also talked about adopting, since I myself am adopted, but we felt it was better for us not to do that either since we know our middle one, and maybe our other 2, will need health-care from us the rest of her/their lives.

 

It has taken a long time to come to terms with this but I'm at peace with it now.

[AdventureMoms]

:lol: Your post is making me break out in hives. :lol:

 

Hang in there...toddlerhood doesn't quite last forever. It just feels like it.

 

In my neighborhood, we had SIX sets of twins in one year (I started drinking bottled water :D). My one friend used to regularly call her mother and say, "I'm putting the boys on ebay right now if you want to get the first bid in. I. am. done." She had a particularly rough morning when they somehow opened a tube of Desitin and mixed it with poop then decorated their entire bedroom (walls, cribs, carpet, toys) with the combination. :svengo:

 

Note to self: Hide the desitin well... I may use the ebay thing though. There are days...

 

And I'm sure it gets better. Every time some idiot comes up to me and tells me it only gets harder I roll my eyes and think they must have a little selective memory going on...

 

Of course I know that the problems get bigger, the kids get bigger, there's more big emotional stuff to deal with as they get older, but really, I can deal with a lot of "big problems" if I get to sleep all night, shower alone, and not clean up anyone else's poop.

[I.Dup.]

Thank you all, it is so interesting and helpful to hear how other people came to this decision.

 

She had a particularly rough morning when they somehow opened a tube of Desitin and mixed it with poop then decorated their entire bedroom (walls, cribs, carpet, toys) with the combination. :svengo:

 

Meh, that's nothin'. :tongue_smilie:

 

My heart, my energy, my focus, my very being has been having/raising precious ones for so long I cannot imagine doing anything else. I'm guessing it will hurt a lot emotionally yet it will get better.

 

Ugh, this topic makes me so sad. :(

 

:iagree: It makes me sad, too. I can't listen to those songs about babies growing up or watch those sentimental commercials. I'm sure I will discover "me" someday, but I went straight from tumultuous teen years into becoming a mother and this has been so very fulfilling to me. More than anything else in my entire life. So I can't imagine it ending. But then again, I am feeling very spread thin. I think we could handle another, possibly 2... :o Definitely no more than 10!! :tongue_smilie:

 

But then again, there are so many benefits to just calling it quits and moving on with the family we have right now. It's so perfect in so many ways- so full. Because of religious beliefs, we are called to be open to life and that's really difficult to have to re-evaluate this month after month.

 

Other stuff I look forward to: when everyone is old enough to vomit into a receptacle of some sort. When the stomach bug hits our house I always end up carrying 2500 loads of puked on bedding down two flights of stairs at 2am, usually while sick myself. Also, I'm told that someday if I'm sick and the kids are not, I can tell them "mama is going to go throw up now" and they won't be trying to follow me and stick their hands in the toilet while I'm doing it. Or screaming at the top of their lungs because I've locked them out. Incidentally, I had morning sickness pretty bad when pregnant, so regular pregnancy puking with the current crew is a pretty big turnoff too.

 

Oh please don't talk about vomit. The terror of vomit lives in my heart constantly. I heard another mom (of a large family) refer to vomit as "the thing which shall not be named." :lol: I will go to great measures to protect us from the stomach flu, that will certainly be nice when I don't have to worry about that so much. That may, in fact, be the biggest benefit of the kids getting older (please moms with older kids don't tell me it's just as bad).

[Night Elf]

It took me 10 years to cope with it. I was ready for another baby when my youngest was 3 years old and my DH absolutely categorically adamantly refused. And to make his point, he went and got a vasectomy. It put a huge strain on our marriage and we struggled for the next few years. After that time, my crying about it got less and less. It wasn't until my youngest dd's 13th birthday that I stopped wanting another baby so much that the mere thought of it would make me cry. I'm sorry. I wish I had a better story to tell you.

 

FWIW, I love my DH tremendously. I logically understand his point of view and the right to choose what to do with his body, just as I would expect the same respect. I just hated being on the losing end of that particular stick.

[FO4UR]

This is not the thread to read at 3mo preggo.:tongue_smilie: (I had forgotten about the vomit and the decorative poo...and woe to the loss of mommy-reading-hour while my 9/7/6yo's play in the backyard.)

 

 

I'm pretty sure this is our last. I really want this baby, but I will be perfectly content to take some permanent measures once this baby is born.

[Audrey]

I have come to the conclusion over the years that some people simply feel a compulsion to have lots of babies and some people don't. I don't believe you can really make yourself be one or the other.

 

If you feel the compulsion, you will have to try to find something else that feeds that need. I don't have any suggestions for that because A) I don't know you, and B) I don't have the compulsion myself.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace with it.

[Laura Corin]

I did miss breastfeeding when my youngest stopped, but the succeeding years have been great fun. I'm having such a great time with my boys now: the dinner-table conversations (contentious as they often are) are a brilliant swap for the baby years. And yes, I do have a lot more space for myself.

 

And, for me, the cuddles don't end. Calvin towers over me, but we still hug several times a day - he sneaks up on me to give me hugs when I'm busy with something else, or we do a little dance together. And Hobbes is still a complete snuggle-bun.

 

Laura

[precious4b]

Children are blessings and I think that's why it can be so hard at times to think of not having another blessing in your life...but the truth of the matter is that each child that you already have brings unique blessings into your life each day. After having a very difficult fourth pregnancy and then a miscarriage 6 months after she was born we have come to the conclusion that for my health we will be done having children. So instead of desiring more I have turned my attention to nurturing the ones I already have and thinking about all that I can give them (esp. how much more I can give them than I could if I was sick and on bed rest with another pregnancy). I love the four children I've been given and if I had another I know I would love them just as much but I know that I can just pour that love back into the 4 I do have and focus on the new and wonderful milestones that they are hitting each day and put my energy into building good character in each of them. It takes a lot of work! :)

[ApronMama]

ps

 

I am always open to God sending one our way :) I have dreams that a baby is left on my door step. LOL

 

Me too!:)

[Spock]

I'm just not sure what there is to look forward to after this, having all teens seems absolutely miserable. Not because I hate teens or anything, but running from here to there for jobs and activities- basically I would become a chauffeur and a cook and that's it. No more baby snuggles, no more nursing, etc. So that seems really depressing. Hearing all the good stuff helps. :001_smile:

 

Having teens/young adults is lots of fun. Sometimes we stay up late just talking about one thing and another--politics, Bible/God, history, TV shows, video games, science.... It's odd how one thing leads to another, and the connections they find. I really miss my oldest in particular, now he's in Japan. However, I still have my second son to talk with, and my younger two are moving into that stage.

[fairfarmhand]

I thought some more about this.

 

It is going to come down to changing your view of yourself. I understand your thoughts and feelings. For 13 years, I was pregnant, nursing or potty training. My view of myself was "the mom of babies and toddlers." I cried when my son turned 4 since I knew he was the last toddler I'd ever have and he was such a sweetie at age 3.

 

But I needed to find another way to define myself. Now I'm that homeschooling farming lady.

 

As far as making a difference in the world. yes, you can do that without having babies. Raise all your kids to do right. To be kind. To love others above themselves.

 

You CAN make a difference and impact the world whether you have 20 kids, 2 kids or no kids. Yes, having babies is important. But raising older kids is equally important. I actually find my kids over age 10 more challenging than the baby and toddlers. Physically the work is less grueling, but emotionally and intellectually they wear me out too.

 

Plus, my dh was tired of always coming in second to a kid. That was huge reason that we stopped at 4. I had no energy to feed my marriage when my kids were very small. Dh's get tired of being in last place for years and years.

 

BTW. I enjoy the fact that my bigger kids can enjoy movies and TV with my dh and I that previously they couldn't enjoy. We can all laugh together about funny things and they get it. Teens are hard. But they are also funny, enjoyable and very helpful.

 

Right now, I can send 3 of my 4 to the bathroom and say "get clean:" and they come out clean. That is a huge deal for me, since my energy dips low in the evenings. Now I don't have to dread bath time.

Edited June 26, 2012 by fairfarmhand