Expectations of our homeschooled kids versus what we did.. (poll) Please read post

[Plucky]

I know that we all homeschool for many varied reasons, but one thing a lot of us have in common is we want better for our kids. We want them to make better choices than we did.

 

How many of us drank under the legal age, tried drugs, or engaged in premarital sex?

 

Do we expect more from our kids?

 

By being very disappointed I mean it would cause a family crisis. By being able to handle it I mean we would get through it fairly easily.

Edited June 4, 2012 by True Blue

[Gailmegan]

I did none of those things. I wish I could say it was from a strong moral compass, but it was more because I was afraid of feeling out of control (drugs and alcohol) and didn't want to be intimate with anyone I wouldn't spend the rest of my life with.

 

I do hope my children make the same choices, since I do feel I saved myself a good deal of heartache. But if they choose differently it wouldn't be a major crisis and we would deal with it.

[happypamama]

I didn't do any of those things. Partly from a strong moral stance, but partly because I didn't want to disappoint my parents, and also partly because I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize my future plans. I really don't want my kids to have premarital sex, but I'd probably be most angry about drugs. I would prefer them not to drink alcohol until they're of legal age, but I also think there's a huge difference between a sip or two and serious drinking.

[happyhomemaker]

I did none of those things. As to whether or not it would be a major crisis, that would depend on the severity of what happened. Are we talking about smoking a little pot once or full-blown drug addiction? Getting drunk at a party or serious alcoholism? Some situations I can see us getting through easily, and some would be pretty tough, but I would like to think we would show love and make it through as a family.

[Plucky]

I did none of those things. As to whether or not it would be a major crisis, that would depend on the severity of what happened. Are we talking about smoking a little pot once or full-blown drug addiction? Getting drunk at a party or serious alcoholism? Some situations I can see us getting through easily, and some would be pretty tough, but I would like to think we would show love and make it through as a family.

 

No addiction. :001_smile:

[laughing lioness]

If my kids did what I did I could handle it AND I would be disappointed.

 

I was raised in a home where most anything went. My dad was a functioning alchoholic, my older sis and I drank our way through h.s. and most of college and my younger sis just kicked a 25 year addiction. My parents were also cool with drugs as long as we didn't embarrass them or go to jail. The boy thing- just don't get pg, or get a std. Lying was fine, again as long as no one was publically embarassed or went to jail. (fwiw: both parents had doctoral degrees and made great money).

 

Do I expect more from my kids. Um, yeah.

[Plucky]

I don't consider premarital sex bad. I'd be far more upset if my kid had sex before being an adult. What they do as an adult is none of my business though. So, not sure how to answer that one exactly.

 

Sorry, I meant as a teenager or child living in your home.

[Wabi Sabi]

I did none of those things. As to whether or not it would be a major crisis, that would depend on the severity of what happened. Are we talking about smoking a little pot once or full-blown drug addiction? Getting drunk at a party or serious alcoholism? Some situations I can see us getting through easily, and some would be pretty tough, but I would like to think we would show love and make it through as a family.

 

Same here, except that I (more or less) did all of those things. :tongue_smilie:

 

There's a huge difference, IMO, between an older teenager who has a beer, tries a joint and is responsibly sleeping with a partner in a committed relationship vs. a kid going to a party, getting drunk, passing out, sleeping around with multiple partners, pregnancy, and experimenting with harder drugs. The former would not be a big deal here and I hope that we never experience the later!

[Jean in Newcastle]

If my kids did what I did I could handle it AND I would be disappointed.

 

 

:iagree:

[newlifemom]

I don't know if my feelings are as cut and dried as the poll states. This may sound crazy but here goes:

 

1. I am hoping that my children understand that drugs can be wonderfully beneficial to a person when used properly under the supervision of a dr. I want them to respect drugs and see that there are some that simply have no medicinal purposes and should be avoided at all costs. We discuss the reasons why using [or rather abusing] these particular substances is not good for a variety of reasons. We discuss the consequences and unfortunately, I have family members living it so it hits home. I would be sad if they chose to play with any substance be it advil or crack.

 

2. With regards to alcohol, I am all about demystifying it. I let my oldest take a small sip of wine. [it's legal here] I don't want her thinking she cannot ask me questions about it. I want her to see someone responsible. I hope that she, and my other kids, will come to me and ask me questions to satisfy any curiosity. So I would be a bit disappointed if they did something behind my back.

 

3. I am trying very hard to discuss with them the long-term [imho] ramifications of being intimate. Not just s**ually trans*itted ramifications, but pr*gnan*y, and emotional consequences. Again, I would be sad if after all that, they went ahead.

 

To me, it isn't just open communication, but lots of it and them knowing they are loved beyond anything they can imagine. They are made imago Dei and they are worth more than a quick fling with drugs, s*x, or alcohol. Their worth is in the fact that they are loved simply because they exist.

 

Now, will this work? I have no idea. I'll let you know in 5 years. :tongue_smilie:

[Mélie]

I drank underage, in a province where the legal drinking age was 18. Where we live now, the legal drinking age is 21, so I could handle it if they drank at 18+. Drinking during high school would be a disappointment, but not a family crisis.

 

I did try drugs and had premarital sex, but not until I was out of my parents house. Doing either as a teenager would be a disappointment, but not a crisis.

[gingersmom]

I did many things on your poll and I while I could handle my children doing them I obviously would be very disappointed.

 

We discuss drugs and drinking constantly in my house. I want my kids to be 1000% clear how I feel about the subject. I am always reading articles to them of people (kids in particular) who have been harmed by drugs/drinking (particularly teenagers).

 

My 15 year old is just beginning to date and we have an open dialogue about sex/relationships, etc. While my mother never discussed the subject, we have a completely different relationship and have had quite interesting conversations on the subject.

[mommymilkies]

I don't consider premarital sex bad. I'd be far more upset if my kid had sex before being an adult. What they do as an adult is none of my business though. So, not sure how to answer that one exactly.

 

:iagree: I do not have problems with some of those things *in moderation*. Like giving my kids an occasional glass of wine. I am of the opinion that it's better not to make a big deal of it so that it's not forbidden fruit. I would not be disappointed in my child if they did these things, but disappointed in myself as a parent for not having explained the consequences enough. But I also know that experience counts for far more than fear or mommy telling you not to. They will make mistakes. They will experiment. And I will be there for them when they want to talk about it.

[Guest]

I think it's hard to answer these in poll form, unless you did none of those things ever.

 

I don't expect any of my children to never, ever have a single sip of alcohol until they are 21, never, ever try any drug and not to be s*xual in any fashion until they are married. I can't describe my history that way and it's not a goal of mine for my kids to arrive at adulthood able to claim that. However, I would not want my child to binge-drink or heavily use alcohol; I would not want drugs to feature regularly in their lives; I wouldn't want them to be promiscuous.

[Gailmegan]

:iagree: I do not have problems with some of those things *in moderation*. Like giving my kids an occasional glass of wine. I am of the opinion that it's better not to make a big deal of it so that it's not forbidden fruit. I would not be disappointed in my child if they did these things, but disappointed in myself as a parent for not having explained the consequences enough. But I also know that experience counts for far more than fear or mommy telling you not to. They will make mistakes. They will experiment. And I will be there for them when they want to talk about it.

 

:iagree: I offer my kids wine/beer all the time and they just turn their noses up at it. My husband and I model responsible drinking, and hope that rubs off. I would be much more upset at habitual binge drinking than if they decided to enjoy a glass of wine with us at dinner time and join the discussion with input on the color, tannin levels, or finish. ;)

 

And, as I think it goes without saying, my reaction to a kid smoking a joint would be very different than if he were shooting up heroin.

[Plucky]

I think it's hard to answer these in poll form, unless you did none of those things ever.

 

I don't expect any of my children to never, ever have a single sip of alcohol until they are 21, never, ever try any drug and not to be s*xual in any fashion until they are married. I can't describe my history that way and it's not a goal of mine for my kids to arrive at adulthood able to claim that. However, I would not want my child to binge-drink or heavily use alcohol; I would not want drugs to feature regularly in their lives; I wouldn't want them to be promiscuous.

 

I know. I was trying to quantify data as well as I can in this forum without encouraging a forum slug fest. I do know that things are not black or white.

[Guest]

I know. I was trying to quantify data as well as I can in this forum without encouraging a forum slug fest. I do know that things are not black or white.

 

Yeah, I understand that. It may not be a question that lends itself that well to poll, though.

 

Honestly, these aren't areas where I hope my children improve upon my past. I would be okay if they did those things in the way that I did. Premarital s#x in particular. I am with Wendy K. I don't hope they are v*rgins until they are 28, and I don't hope they are until they're 18, whereupon they marry the person they've been horned-up about for the last 3 years. :rolleyes:

[Lara in Colo]

I treat alcohol like anything else I have to teach my child. I don't want to wait until they are legal and suddenly let them go, and then they are going hog wild. I see it like teaching to drive, part discussion about safety and part doing.

I have my child take a small sip of what we drink at home (which is rare--3 times a year). I want them to treat alcohol like I do; something that is nice in moderation, but that can quickly turn ugly if not used carefully. Hopefully by the time they are on their own (of legal drinking age or not) the novelty of drinking has worn off and they have an alcohol maturity. This is what my mother did with me and I have to say it worked.

 

Drugs: I feel that recreational drug use is a trap too easily set and sprung and too deep a hole to get yourself out of, sort of like walking too close to the edge of a cliff--they should be avoided at all cost. This I will drill into my children. (the video-- "Which Brain do you want " is AWESOME at showing pictures of your brain on different drugs (including caffeine, alcohol and nicotine) and describing what that part of the brain does for you and how the person pictured cannot hold a job, or cannot control their anger.)

 

 

S*x: I guess I want my child to wait until their first experience is good for them, they are with someone that values them and they feel loved and never regret the decision---inside marriage or not. Having grown up in church, I saw several couples marry when I felt they were not ready. It think that one large reason was the "wait til marriage" ideal and so they got married. I would rather this not be an issue when they get married--picking the right person and making a lasting commitment should be foremost in their priorities.

[Jpoy85]

How many of us drank under the legal age, tried drugs, or engaged in premarital sex?

 

I did all of these.

 

Do we expect more from our kids?

 

I do expect more. I expect them to know I knew better but disobeyed my parents in doing these things. I expect them to know right from wrong, but make the right choices. I wont hate them if they do the things I did, but I wont be happy.

[garddwr]

I lived in an area where drinking was legal for teens and drugs and sex were also common among my classmates, but I grew up with strong religious and moral standards that did not permit such behavior described. I very much adopted those standards as my own and even as a teenager felt they protected me from many potential problems. I share those same convictions with my own children and have every expectation that they will adopt them.

[Tarreymere]

People make mistakes, even very well brought-up people. I don't see any point in making a crisis out of something like that when it is likely the young person probably realized it was a mistake shortly after it happened.

[Gingerbread Mama]

Well, FWIW, I had premarital sex starting at 16. I'm now 34 and I'd say it's only in the last few years that I realized what a negative impact it had on my life. I didn't get pregnant, thank goodness, but it led me to making choices that I wish I could take back as some of them now make me quite miserable. :glare:

 

Looking back, as a much older person, I can say "Oh, I chose that to stay near the boyfriend when he dumped me." I did that because I loved him, I believed that having sex MEANT something, and I didn't want to lose that. I met my husband because of that (he was one of the boyfriend's good friends) and, at first, I was friends with him to stay "in" the boyfriend's life ... DH knew this at the time ... and, while I love my DH, his family makes me :scared: Had I not slept with that boyfriend, I think I could've said "What a jerk." and moved on much more easily. I wouldn't have felt so bonded to him. I might have left town, met someone whose family I DID like, etc..

 

I don't sit around wishing I could replace DH, but I do wish I could get away from the people he is blood related to. Well, I am going to get away from them, I just wish I wasn't in a position to feel like I have to.:tongue_smilie:

 

I voted I did/would be disappointed for drinking and sex. Like, laughing lioness, though, I *could* handle it, and would. I just would hope we can avoid those things, as I see how bad the choices were *now*. I never did drugs, but I'd still be disappointed. I'd handle it, but it would be extremely hard. By handling it, I was assuming the poll meant "not be bothered by it" vs "take care of the issue". I'm using handle it in the sense of the latter.

Edited June 4, 2012 by Gingerbread Mama

[kewb]

I did 2 out of 3 on the list. I hope my children make better choices than I did but if they don't we will get through it.

[Crimson Wife]

There is a big difference between drinking in moderation in college and binge-drinking or pre-college drinking. There is also a difference between engaging in intimacy as an adult with one's future spouse (even if it does come before the formal engagement) and casual or teen s*x.

 

An adult is much better able to handle the potential repercussions of less-than-ideal choices than minors are.

[Audrey]

The drugs would be a crisis -- if only because drugs now are not at all what they were 30 years ago. There is the freakiest stuff out there (meth, bath salts, etc.). Frankly, I think I would be inwardly a little relieved if it were just a case of "oh, I tried some pot," but I think the days of kids getting into "just a little pot" are long gone.

 

Drinking and sex can be dealt with and one can instruct/guide on employing personal responsibility with those things.

[DianeW88]

Good Mormon girl here, so I did none of those things as a teen. And, frankly, as an adult, the only one I have done is have sex. :lol:

 

Yes, I would be disappointed if my children chose to engage in any of those activities as a teen, and most as an adult. When they're married, having sex is ok. :D