Questions for introverted parents

[Aspasia]

How do you cope? I crave solitude and need to have a good amount of it every day or my emotional energy is totally depleted. I love having my kids around me, but it's hard for me to actively engage with them--or anyone--for extended periods of time (so I don't, which sometimes makes me feel guilty/selfish). This is just who I am.

 

My question is, how do introverted homeschool parents make this constant togetherness work? Seems like sending my kids to ps would make this really simple, but that's obviously not what we want to do. To complicate matters, my dd is completely extroverted. That girl LOVES interaction--so I do force myself to step outside of my comfort zone to make sure she has adequate social opportunities, but I use the word "force" very deliberately, because it is always hard for me. I would be happy at home all day.

[PeacefulChaos]

It will get easier as they get older. :)

This is the first spring/summer that I have been comfortable sending my boys outside to play in the afternoon while Pinkalicious takes a nap. This helps! They usually stay out until dinner time, and often go back out afterwards. Pink naps from 12:30 to 4 on a regular basis (she is usually awake by 4, but just plays quietly in her room or 'reads' in her bed after she wakes up).

This works well for me. I don't know that I'm actually introverted, but I always feel like I have a lot of stuff that I can get done during this time. Or I can watch a show. Whatever. :)

[LaxMom]

I get up between 5-5:30 just about every morning. I used to be a night-owl, but the boys cured me of that; the early morning hours were the only ones I could have in quiet, with the energy to do anything.

 

We also have quiet time after lunch. I lie down or read or fold laundry in front of the tv for an hour or so. The kids are confined to their rooms and can either nap or read.

 

They go to bed by 8:00, unless there is something that keeps us out "late". (Lacrosse season keeps us on the field until about 7:30, so they don't get to bed until 8:30-9 four nights a week. ) Again, they can go to sleep or read for a while, but it is time to be quiet. After they go to bed, we clean up from supper and go to bed ourselves, and I have time to spend quietly with my husband until we fall asleep, usually by 10:00.

 

It DOES get easier as they get older, but some of the things I do started when they were still little, as a way to keep my sanity. ;)

[Rosie_0801]

My bedroom door has a lock on it.

 

I think it will get easier as they get older. I'll be able to send them off to their rooms for some quiet time without them thinking they're in trouble for some unknown crime. When the weather is nice, they usually play outside for hours and they are also introverts so go off and do their own thing for reasonable stretches of time. Sometimes they even do it at the same time!

 

Of course my youngest is currently in time out in his room because he's been all over me like a rash and, after he kept me awake for hours in the night, I can't hack it!

 

Rosie

[Dory]

Homeschooling forces me to continue growing into a better me as I'm always having to force myself out of my comfort zone to do what I know to be best for my kids. In our house we have a quiet hour right after lunch so that I can breathe for a little bit and I make the kids to something fairly high energy outside so that going to bed a little early doesn't bother them. They are allowed to read for 30 minutes but I've put their lights on a timed switch so that I don't have to go back to their rooms to remind them. Then I have evenings to myself. My oldest is a an introvert like me, but my youngest two LOVE getting out and being with LOTS of people, and people seem to love them. It does make it tiring some weeks, but on some level I have just told myself that part of growing up means that I have to put my big girl panties on and get 'er done.

I also take one evening a week where I leave the house completely and park the vehicle somewhere quiet and read a book for awhile. I leave my hubby to feed the kids supper and tuck them into bed.

[laundrycrisis]

I take time by myself to read, either very early in the morning or very late at night. If I have to choose between quiet time by myself and sleep, I give up the sleep, because if I don't get the quiet time, I feel terrible the next day.

[LillyMama]

Quiet time, every afternoon. From 1-2, after lunch and recess, the kids go to their rooms and are QUIET.

 

I also am very strict about bedtime. I've found that I start to run down starting at about 6 and by 8, I am just about done. I start getting irritated about everything. :D Once my kids go to bed, I go sit on my bed and do my Bible Study, read a book, plug my head phones in and watch a movie on the iPad... My husband knows that I get that first half hour for myself. After that I'm re-ready to join him. Any conversation we have before I have that time never ends well. ;)

 

And, like others have said, it will get better when they're old enough to play together and entertain one another.

 

Don't forget to draw boundaries. You won't be the last introvert they know and it's okay for them to learn about personal time and space. I wish my overly-doting MIL had taught my husband- we had to go to marriage counseling for him to understand that I'm not broken because I need alone-time every day. :D

[Onceuponatime]

When my kids were young, I asked dh to give me an hour each evening after dinner. I would lock myself in the bedroom for that time. Now I take one day a week to myself, it is one of dh's days off. I go out for a few hours alone, usually shopping, and he stays home with the kids. :-)

[Walking-Iris]

I'm also a very introverted person. As is my husband and older ds. My nearly 5 year old ds and nearly 2 year old dd on the other hand seem to need constant attention.

 

I try to get little bits of alone time where I can take it. Strict bedtime after nightly read alouds so I can read before going to sleep. Lots of couples like to be together in the evening (tv etc) but we both just curl up with our books or dh listens to the mp3 before going to bed. There's no silence like the silence when all the kids are asleep kwim?

 

I'm also not against putting on a movie to take a morning or afternoon shower.

 

Taking my dd for walks in the stroller usually gives me some peaceful time.

 

When my dh is home some weekday mornings and on weekends, he lets me have a bit of a lie-in. He's an early riser. So I doze or read a chapter or two.

 

This may sound odd but it helps me--I have a strict no toy or kid clutter rule for our bedroom. We cosleep so the LOs dresser for clothes is in there. And we'll occasionally snuggle up and read on the bigger bed. But it helps me to take 5 minutes to breathe if I have at least one room in my house that is my own. I even close the door when kid guests are over usually because I don't like kids playing in my room. Like a private (relatively speaking) oasis.

 

Sometimes I clean. It's not fun really. But if I have some music on and get focused it can help. Also we've been known to fuss over who's turn it is to mow the yard. That's a guaranteed hour of alone time. I also have a quiet time each day and might even get a nap with the LO sometimes.

 

Yoga had always been my go to for self preservation, but it's been nearly impossible for me to have the same peaceful feeling with that I had before kids. They need to do it with me or climb all over me....maybe when they're older.

[lea1]

We seem to do a number of things to create that needed quiet time at our house, all mentioned above. On very busy days, my quiet time may be when the kids play outside and/or during their allowed movie/computer time (they are normally allowed one 30 min movie and 15 min each of computer time and they like to watch each other play on the computer so this actually keeps them busy for an hour total).

 

Before we started school, we had quiet time almost every day and I relished it.....actually, there were times when they asked for it too so I know they enjoy it at times also. We still do 1.5 to 2 hours of quiet times once in a while, if I feel like we all need it. This is normally on non-school days though because school takes up a good portion of our days.

 

Our sons are also on an 8:00pm bedtime routine. They are allowed to stay up and read or look at books, either alone or together (their bedrooms are connected by a bathroom), but they are to be quiet and not stay up too long. Most of the time they comply with this without intervention.

 

My dh is also an introvert. In the evenings after the boys go to bed, we can often be found lying on the bed, each of us reading something in the now-silent house until time for bed. I love spending time with my boys but I must admit this one of my favorite times of the day.:001_smile:

 

ETA: I forgot to add that dh is also very good about taking the boys and doing things with them so I can have nice long breaks. Today he took them to the zoo and out to eat for lunch (I have a cold and am not feeling very well) and he just came in from playing baseball with them this evening. Sometimes I take a half day and go do whatever I want to do (usually visit the used bookstore or the homeschool resale shop) while he hangs out with the boys.

Edited June 4, 2012 by Lea in OK

[higginszoo]

My older kids had rest time in their rooms for an hour or two every day until they were 7 or 8 ... it wasn't necessarily rest time for them, but for me. Now that they're bigger, I can go off and take my own quiet time in the afternoon.

 

When they were little was definitely the hardest.

[MusicMama]

I love my kids, and love being a homeschooling mom. But I understand you! I put the baby to bed after lunch, then the 3 and 4yo play in the playroom having quiet time, while I stay in my room with the door shut. I can hear them, but the aren't in my face. Saves my sanity.

[PhotoGal]

My kids are in afterschool activities, so I get some downtime that way (even if it isn't at home, I can take a walk or read a book without any demands on me).

 

Sometimes I stay up way too late. :blush:

 

Dh often takes them to something on the weekend so I can chill around the house.

[Guest]

How do you cope? I crave solitude and need to have a good amount of it every day or my emotional energy is totally depleted. I love having my kids around me, but it's hard for me to actively engage with them--or anyone--for extended periods of time (so I don't, which sometimes makes me feel guilty/selfish). This is just who I am.

 

My question is, how do introverted homeschool parents make this constant togetherness work? Seems like sending my kids to ps would make this really simple, but that's obviously not what we want to do. To complicate matters, my dd is completely extroverted. That girl LOVES interaction--so I do force myself to step outside of my comfort zone to make sure she has adequate social opportunities, but I use the word "force" very deliberately, because it is always hard for me. I would be happy at home all day.

 

I have always had a few hours to be separated from the kids. When I had little nappers, it was then. For quite a while, it was that afternoon period of time. Now, it's generally later, but I do still get this pretty often. It's crucial for me, too.

 

I do think homeschooling can be harder when mom is introverted and the child is very extroverted. :grouphug:

[razorbackmama]

It does get a bit easier as they get older. At least you don't have to be concerned about them injuring themselves or doing who knows what while you're taking a few minutes to yourself.

 

That said, I get up early and stay up late, just for the solitude. My baby has not been allowing me to get up as early as I normally would, and it. drives. me. bonkers.:tongue_smilie:

 

When my olders were your kids' age, nap/rest time was STRICTLY enforced. Now that we have so much school to do (since they are older), I don't get a down time in the afternoon, and boy do I miss it. I have to admit I'm much more strung out than I used to be, and that's one main reason why. But unfortunately I have too much to do, so I can't add it back in. :( But it was in place until my oldest was about 10 or so!

 

Truly, being an introvert is one of THE most difficult things for me when it comes to homeschooling.:grouphug:

[justamouse]

It gets much easier as they get older. Now it's just something you're going to have to self sacrifice. But my youngest is 6 and my oldest 21 (he's moved out) but still even with 6 in the house, our house is exceptionally quiet. They'll all be content doing stuff on their own and you'd never know someone was in the house.

 

But when mine were the age of your kids? I wanted a room in a psych ward as vacation.

 

But whose parent on this board said it? The days are long and the years short? Yep. It doesn't last forever, and once it's gone it's gone, so as hard as it is, enjoy it if you can.

[marbel]

There were times when my kids were little that I thought I would go crazy if I didn't get some time alone. My husband worked long hours and traveled frequently, so he wasn't a lot of help much of the time. I love my kids too, and I love homeschooling but I am a person too, and while I understand sacrificing and getting outside our comfort zone, mommy still needs to take care of herself.

 

It's true that it does get much easier as the kids get older. And when that time comes, it will seem like the difficult days weren't that long or that bad.

 

My son is also an introvert and doesn't need a lot of attention, but my daughter needs to be with people all. the. time. And talking. :willy_nilly: I do try to spend some one-on-one time with her every day. My son doesn't need that as much.

 

Try getting up early (though sometimes the mommy radar goes off and no matter how early mom gets up, the kiddos are up too), or staying up a little late. Read a book or a magazine while they play. I remember napping on the couch a few times while my kids watched a movie.

 

Now that they are young teens, they can occupy themselves and I can ignore them for hours if I need to. I know that sounds bad to some people. All I can say is, the need for solitude is very real, though not everyone experiences it.

[mommymilkies]

I have to have a daily quiet time every early afternoon. Or I completely break down. I am very strict about this time. If I don't take it, I can't handle anything. My little one doesn't always sleep during this time, but she will play or eat while I exercise, knit, watch Torchwood, or whatever I do to clear my head.

 

I also have a strict bedtime for kids-8 for littles and 9 for older kids. I am a night owl, so I stay up til 1 am or so reading, and I sleep in (so do several of my kids). I don't want to sleep in, but other than a short patch of waking early a few summers ago, I can't break the habit.

[Samiam]

Early bedtime.

 

My boys are in bed by 8p.m. sharp, and that's later than it has ever been. When they were younger it was 7p.m. Not so much for DS13, he's staying later, but he's also needing less from me, as far as me doing stuff. And he's very much like me, a quiet type of person and not always needing to be "ON".

 

That's MY time. Sure, I am likely doing house hold chores, and these days working (work at home), but I am not being a Mommy, a parent all about someone else's needs.

 

Don't get me wrong. Love, love, love my children, love everything about our life. But can't help my nature that I need a moment to not be Mommy for one second a day. My middle DS has always been, well, just a lot of work. Love that boy to pieces, he's alot like his father, and a crazy soul. But he's completely opposite of me, and I need to breathe alone each night to be able to be the best mommy I can be the next day.

 

p.s. The early bedtime thing is not so much for DS13, he's staying up later, but he's also needing less from me, as far as me doing stuff. And he's very much like me, a quiet type of person and not always needing to be "ON".

[LaxMom]

:iagree: It's not my kids - I enjoy them very much as people! I adore them and my husband. It's about being "on". I need to switch off or I start to frazzle.

 

My husband is at work tonight and I've spent the time since the kids went to bed ironing and watching Midsomer Murders and chatting to the dog periodically. I think she's an introvert, too, because she keeps looking at me like she wishes I'd stop. :lol:

[Gingerbread Mama]

I understand. Mine are 13, 9, and 8...they talk to me all. the. time. I feel like I am being bombarded sometimes. I do my best to come up with something quiet when I am feeling overwhelmed, but I have had some not so fine moments where I yelled "Enough! Just be quiet already!" :leaving:I do later apologize for the outburst and expain (again :glare:) that I really DON'T like to talk constantly, and that, as there are three of them and one of me, a steady stream of conversation from each child is....unnerving. I'm sure it'll sink in, one of these days :D

 

Beyond that, I agree that either staying up later or getting up earlier than said children helps. I used to stay up later, but now that we HS, they don't really have a bedtime and we find ourselves watching family shows or playing games later at night. So now I try to get up earlier. I also find getting away to shop, even window shop, is good. I spent over an hour skimming shelves in a bookstore last Saturday, just because I was alone and I COULD!

 

 

I also take one evening a week where I leave the house completely and park the vehicle somewhere quiet and read a book for awhile. I leave my hubby to feed the kids supper and tuck them into bed.

 

WHAAAAT?! Why haven't I come up with that :confused: One junk food dinner a week won't kill them, right? I may institute this!

 

I wish my overly-doting MIL had taught my husband- we had to go to marriage counseling for him to understand that I'm not broken because I need alone-time every day. :D

 

Don't be too hard on your MIL. My MIL/FIL were not at all doting, and DH still can't fathom my introvert ways. He has actually looked at me sadly, when I was telling him that I just did NOT enjoy hanging for indefinite amounts of time with large groups of people, and said "I know, but I wish it wasn't that way for you." I just had to roll my eyes and give up. If I were to say the same thing to him when he says how he just loooves a big group of random people, doing nothing in particular, for hours on end, he would be quick to point out that nothing is wrong with him. Ask me how I know :lol:

[meggie]

I have one night off a week. I will either go to the dollar theater or the library and play on pinterest. once I went to office depot to get some things laminated and while I waited I went and got some dinner. so nice to be able to eat without having to feed little children.

 

at first, dh was recommending I go out, but so often things would come up and I would make an excuse to stay. I wasn't trying to manipulate him, but not getting a break kept taking a toll on me and I was having meltdowns all the time. again I wasn't trying to manipulate him, I just kept thinking I could power through it. finally dh put his foot down and was the one to push me out the door every week. it really helps a lot.

 

also, he has meetings a lot during the week, so I use those times to read or watch shows our whatever I want. it sounds bad, but I really love that quiet time to myself.

[Guest]

In the morning, we have a "stay/play in your room until 7am" rule. We take an afternoon "rest time", and then they are in bed fairly early. The days I don't have enough quiet time to myself, I get really anxious and irritable. As the kids are getting better about playing by themselves, rest time has become much shorter, as long as everyone is getting along on said day.

 

Oh, and sometimes we have a movie afternoon, that always is nice.

[Joanne]

I couldn't pull off a rest time (except when I was running a daycare) after my kids outgrew naps. Years after naps and before double digits were tough in terms of being an introvert. Basically, I sucked it up and "gave" because I was more able and mature and was the mom.

 

However, joining a gym helped, and I used the childcare for ALL the possible time they'd allow. It wasn't time alone @ home (which would have been my preference) but it was time alone (in a room full of others :lol:).

[Unicorn.]

I stay up anywhere from an hour and a half, to 2 hours after everyone goes to bed. I have to or I go insane. I also have everyone trained not to speak to me until I've had my first cup of coffee in the morning. I get up, make my coffee, and head outside for 10 minutes or so. After that, they can speak. :D

[Mimm]

My older daughter is the only extrovert in the family. She has been raised to respect her family members' need for solitude. Even so, when her sister wants to be alone, that's the hardest for her. She has also learned to enjoy alone activities such as reading and writing and art and video games. She also manages to turn these into social activities whenever she can. She loves to read to her sister and she's happier playing on her DS when my younger daughter is also on her DS and they are chatting back and forth about their games. When she reads, she wants to tell you all about the book. When she writes, she wants you to read every few paragraphs as they are completed. She has nothing she does alone that she wouldn't rather share with you. :)

 

I also try to respect her need to be around people and I keep her involved and out of the house a lot. It can be exhausting for me but that was a decision I made when we started homeschooling that she would sacrifice as little as possible socially. (And she liked the kids she went to school with, so yes, it was a sacrifice.) So we run around, and I find it tiring and she finds it energizing. We get home from co-op and I'm ready to curl up in bed with a book and she's ready to leave for the library. :)

 

ETA: My kids have always had a bed time earlier than my bedtime. They have an hour between bed time and lights out and they almost always read during this time. Sometimes they are allowed to spend that hour together reading or playing in one of their rooms.

Edited June 4, 2012 by Mimm

[momtoamiracle]

my 5yo boy is very energetic, very not wants to be by himself a whole lot, especially at night, so he drains all of my energy.

 

 

 

my recharging time is very late at night when he finally goes to sleep.

 

 

If I didn't have that alone time I'd go absolutely nuts. I need time to hear myself think and not answer to "mama" for a little while!

[Aspasia]

Thanks for all your replies and understanding. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone. Sometimes I feel so selfish for wanting to just exit into "my world".

 

I do have a very early bedtime for both of my kids (7-7:30), primarily because I guard their sleep like a tiger. Nobody is happy if even one person is under-rested. So that gives me a lot of time in the evening. My little guy also naps consistently every afternoon. That used to be our "quiet time" and dd was pretty good about doing her own thing, but once we started school, that sort of became our best/only time to get things done. We do finish all our school stuff in about an hour, so there is awhile before DS wakes up, but after working with me, dd has a hard time playing independently. I explain that I need to have a little break and then she'll follow me around chattering away. Aaaaah!

 

Luckily, she also has a lot of little friends around our neighborhood and they all play outside all day (we live in a townhouse, so they're all right out in front together), which is super helpful. Maybe I have a lot of coping strategies after all. :lol:

 

I guess I just feel bad that it feels so hard for me to engage as much as she wants to, even when I have my daily recharging times.

[MrsH]

I guess I just feel bad that it feels so hard for me to engage as much as she wants to, even when I have my daily recharging times.

 

:iagree: That's definitely the struggle for me. DH and I are on a major "spend time with kids individually" mission right now, since he just got laid off and we have the time. I find it SO hard to motivate myself to do it, but we put it on our family calendar so now we kind of have to. I'm hoping it'll help the kids to then respect my quiet times when I need it, and for me to not feel so guilty about needing to check out more than most.