Nothing like a letter of appreciation your mom made you write...

[Ginevra]

:glare: Sorry. I'm just annoyed about this. My parents were always authoritarian and it affected all of us a lot. Now that we're grown, it doesn't inform our lives very much, but there are always those hints and reminders...

 

Mom is trying to organize a surprise dinner for my dad's 70th birthday. That's all well and good, but she puts in the e-mail how she "expects us to give him at least a card, but preferably a letter, telling him how much we appreciate his faithfulness and sacrifices through the years." Well. Gee, you took the words right out of my mouth. :glare:

 

If we all comply and write similar letters, how will my Dad see that as anything but contrived? And it steals my joy of showing love in whatever way I might have, now that I've been "instructed" on what I'm required to do.

 

It's not the biggest problem in the world and I'm glad I still have my parents around to write a letter to. I just wish I had been trusted to show my appreciation for my dad in whichever way I desired.

[AuntieM]

I think you *should* show your dad love, apreciation, admiration in whatever way you desire. Just attach a short note to it. Mom's request needn't preempt something else you've already planned to do.

[swellmomma]

knowing me I would do things the way I wanted and then finish with "Oh yeah and mom said to remind you that we appreciate blah blah blah" ANyone that knows your fmaily well will laugh about it being something your mom does kwim.

[TranquilMind]

knowing me I would do things the way I wanted and then finish with "Oh yeah and mom said to remind you that we appreciate blah blah blah" ANyone that knows your fmaily well will laugh about it being something your mom does kwim.

 

That would be mean.

 

Don't hurt Dad because you are pissed off at Mom, I'd say.

 

Of course, I have neither now and haven't for almost a decade so YMMV.

[*********]

Quill, I say do whatever you want for your dad. Show your appreciation and admiration for him in the way you want to. I *would* make sure to include a card however, if that wasn't in your plans already. Just to make your mom happy. And while I wouldn't feel obligated to write a letter to my dad, it's not a *bad* idea. It's just that your mom should have, at the very most, put it as a suggestion instead of a request.

 

Perhaps it was your mom's not so great way of communicating to you 'kids' that dad would rather have a letter/card than a gift? I don't know; you know your family. I'd try to do my best to honor what mom and dad want, while also expressing my love the way *I* want.

 

Good luck. These things get tricky, don't they? My folks are in their fifties, but even so I find it hard to give gifts to them already.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I guess I don't see where this is a huge problem.

 

I mean, it is a little rude to inform adults of what to do instead of requesting, however, it's not like she told you to go buy him an expensive gift or do something morally repugnant. Just write a nice letter to your dad. And EVEN IF he knows that she "made" you all do it, the words that he reads from you will still be honest and true and yours alone.

 

:grouphug: and I hope you are able to celebrate with your dad regardless.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It is common at big birthday celebrations and anniversaries to collect cards or letters or pictures (ie. something all the same from everyone) for the honoree. It seems strange to see that as a manipulative and demeaning request.

[swiegers]

I can see where you're coming from. I don't like it either when other people tell me what to do, especially if I had already thought of doing that exact same thing by myself. And if you then continue with the card/letter or whatever, it feels as if you're just doing what the other person told you to do; and not anymore because it was something you wanted to do. Hope that makes sense.

 

It's not so much the gesture or action that is in question , but the way the whole thing makes you feel as a worthy and capable person.

[jar7709]

I can see where you're coming from. I don't like it either when other people tell me what to do, especially if I had already thought of doing that exact same thing by myself. And if you then continue with the card/letter or whatever, it feels as if you're just doing what the other person told you to do; and not anymore because it was something you wanted to do. Hope that makes sense.

 

It's not so much the gesture or action that is in question , but the way the whole thing makes you feel as a worthy and capable person.

 

The bolded is how I read the OP, too. :grouphug: I have a couple family members like this. Mom, I'm 35, you've trained me well and I know that cards and gifts are expected for this type of thing, and I want to help make it a successful and meaningful event, too. You don't have to tell me to do it anymore.

 

In the same vein--my DD is having her first ballet recital next month, and when I told my mom that I got the tickets for her and my dad, she said, "good job!" like she didn't think I could manage that simple thing on my own. Wow, way to empower. Just gotta let those little things roll off my back. :001_smile:

[Guest]

Quill, I say do whatever you want for your dad. Show your appreciation and admiration for him in the way you want to. I *would* make sure to include a card however, if that wasn't in your plans already. Just to make your mom happy. And while I wouldn't feel obligated to write a letter to my dad, it's not a *bad* idea. It's just that your mom should have, at the very most, put it as a suggestion instead of a request.

 

Perhaps it was your mom's not so great way of communicating to you 'kids' that dad would rather have a letter/card than a gift? I don't know; you know your family. I'd try to do my best to honor what mom and dad want, while also expressing my love the way *I* want.

 

Good luck. These things get tricky, don't they? My folks are in their fifties, but even so I find it hard to give gifts to them already.

 

Probably not, though. We're not a big gift-giving family. I think it's more likely that my mom was worried that none or few of us would do this. She wanted to control the outcome, basically. It's certainly not a *bad* idea, like you said, and I was surely going to give him a card at least. It's the assumption that bothers me. The assumption that she has to tell us what to do or we wouldn't do it.

 

I can see where you're coming from. I don't like it either when other people tell me what to do, especially if I had already thought of doing that exact same thing by myself. And if you then continue with the card/letter or whatever, it feels as if you're just doing what the other person told you to do; and not anymore because it was something you wanted to do. Hope that makes sense.

 

It's not so much the gesture or action that is in question , but the way the whole thing makes you feel as a worthy and capable person.

 

Yes, exactly. :iagree: As if she can't be sure that we will do something nice and acceptable unless she instructs us. That is what is bothering me about it.

 

My original thought was to make him a Shutterfly photo book.

[arghmatey]

I'm sorry she annoyed you. I would show celebrate and honor my father in my own way regardless of how I was expected or directed to do it (that might still be a letter).

 

For those who don't think it's a big deal, maybe it is, and maybe it's not. OP's feelings are a big deal, though.

[Mrs Mungo]

e that we will do something nice and acceptable unless she instructs us. That is what is bothering me about it.

 

When my mom does this? I just assume she's addressing my siblings, lol.

 

My original thought was to make him a Shutterfly photo book.

 

I think that's still a great idea. :)

[arghmatey]

Probably not, though. We're not a big gift-giving family. I think it's more likely that my mom was worried that none or few of us would do this. She wanted to control the outcome, basically. It's certainly not a *bad* idea, like you said, and I was surely going to give him a card at least. It's the assumption that bothers me. The assumption that she has to tell us what to do or we wouldn't do it.

 

 

 

Yes, exactly. :iagree: As if she can't be sure that we will do something nice and acceptable unless she instructs us. That is what is bothering me about it.

 

My original thought was to make him a Shutterfly photo book.

 

A Shutterfly book would be so nice!

[kitten18]

When my mom does this? I just assume she's addressing my siblings, lol.

 

 

 

:lol: I love that.

[Zebra]

Do what YOU want to do for your dad, and ignore your mother's input, her comments after you give your gift, etc.

 

It is a big deal if your mother has a history of being manipulative and controlling. It's one thing to keep the peace with someone who is sometimes human, and another thing to perpetuate a pattern of behavior.

 

Anyway, I am just saying I can see why you would be irritated with this.

[*********]

Probably not, though. We're not a big gift-giving family. I think it's more likely that my mom was worried that none or few of us would do this. She wanted to control the outcome, basically. It's certainly not a *bad* idea, like you said, and I was surely going to give him a card at least. It's the assumption that bothers me. The assumption that she has to tell us what to do or we wouldn't do it.

 

 

 

Yes, exactly. :iagree: As if she can't be sure that we will do something nice and acceptable unless she instructs us. That is what is bothering me about it.

 

My original thought was to make him a Shutterfly photo book.

 

I get what you're saying. :grouphug: Do what you want, and try to forget about the fact tht your mom is bossy. :D I'm sure you're a fine daughter, and had nice plans (the photo book does sound lovely).

[Harriet Vane]

It is common at big birthday celebrations and anniversaries to collect cards or letters or pictures (ie. something all the same from everyone) for the honoree. It seems strange to see that as a manipulative and demeaning request.

 

:iagree:

[MamaBirdX7]

Do what YOU want to do for your dad, and ignore your mother's input, her comments after you give your gift, etc.

 

It is a big deal if your mother has a history of being manipulative and controlling. It's one thing to keep the peace with someone who is sometimes human, and another thing to perpetuate a pattern of behavior.

 

 

:iagree:

[Coffeetime]

Do what YOU want to do for your dad, and ignore your mother's input, her comments after you give your gift, etc.

 

It is a big deal if your mother has a history of being manipulative and controlling. It's one thing to keep the peace with someone who is sometimes human, and another thing to perpetuate a pattern of behavior.

 

Anyway, I am just saying I can see why you would be irritated with this.

:iagree: This. Exactly. Yup.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

That would be mean.

 

Don't hurt Dad because you are pissed off at Mom, I'd say.

 

Of course, I have neither now and haven't for almost a decade so YMMV.

 

+1

[LifeLovePassion]

sister! My mom does stuff like this all.the.time. So annoying. Passive agressive nonsense. Then she brags on what a wonderful idea it was. Leaves no chance for me to even do anything nice really because she always makes suggestions right before an event, many times it's what I was already doing.

[kalanamak]

:grouphug: I'm sorry, because I suspect you must have other issues with mum.

 

A year after my brother died, I emailed my family saying we should all put remembrances of him on cards, and I'd send the bunch to his widow and daughters for a surprise. No one seemed unhappy I "told" them what to do, and the project went over very well.

 

Recently, after a spate of deaths at work, I've told a few people that if I keel over, I *don't* want a service over lunchhour, but would like it if people wrote letters to my son along the lines of "I remember a joke your mum told me" or "Did you know your mother sang when she thought no one would hear her?". I've gotten several "That's a great idea" responses, but no scowls of "I'm being told what to do".

[Mama_Rana]

Is there ANY chance she's trying to organize a 70 letters for his 70th type thing? That idea has been making the rounds with the photos of the teary dad going through his letters/cards from friends & family, yadda yadda. Maybe she's trying to do that?

 

I love the idea of a photo book, btw.

[AmyontheFarm]

:glare: Mom is trying to organize a surprise dinner for my dad's 70th birthday. That's all well and good, but she puts in the e-mail how she "expects us to give him at least a card, but preferably a letter, telling him how much we appreciate his faithfulness and sacrifices through the years." Well. Gee, you took the words right out of my mouth. :glare:

 

If we all comply and write similar letters, how will my Dad see that as anything but contrived? And it steals my joy of showing love in whatever way I might have, now that I've been "instructed" on what I'm required to do.

 

Ok, the brat in me would comply, sort-of. I wouldn't give my dad a card or a letter. I would interview the kids on video and ask them to tell me their favorite story about Grandpa and then I'd share my favorite story. I would burn it to a disk and wrap it up pretty. Or, I would buy one of those moving picture frames and set it up to scroll through love messages instead of pictures. Each picture could say something like "Jason loves camping with Granddad" and then put a picture of them camping. Then "Mary loves sharing a Popsicle with Granddad" and then put a picture of them chasing each other with Popsicles.

 

Grandpa would feel loved and appreciated and would get his love messages from you all and Mom *might* be taught to stop telling people to conform to a box.

[Soror]

Do what YOU want to do for your dad, and ignore your mother's input, her comments after you give your gift, etc.

 

It is a big deal if your mother has a history of being manipulative and controlling. It's one thing to keep the peace with someone who is sometimes human, and another thing to perpetuate a pattern of behavior.

 

Anyway, I am just saying I can see why you would be irritated with this.

 

It is not the request of letter that is so annoying but then the spelling out of how and what it is to say. Your relationship with your dad is your own and you should be able to define it however you want, if she needs a letter for the party so be it, but you can write about your own feelings not the ones she says you are supposed to have.

[DianeW88]

You don't have to do what she says anymore...you're a grown up. Do whatever you would like to do to honor your dad. The photo book sounds lovely and would be something he could display and look at often.

[laundrycrisis]

IMO you should respond to your mom and tell her that you are a grown up and will express your appreciate to your father in whatever way you choose. Then show up with a rainbow-colored balloon bouquet and a lovely handwritten card, or something like that - that definitely expresses your appreciation for him, but I would tell her to back the heck off already.

 

This kind of thing is fine if the person says, "I would like to organize something - this is my idea", but when it is a parent or sibling telling another adult that they expect such and such, it's time to remind them not so gently that you are a grown up now and don't take orders from them.

Edited June 1, 2012 by laundrycrisis

[Guest]

:grouphug: I'm sorry, because I suspect you must have other issues with mum.

 

A year after my brother died, I emailed my family saying we should all put remembrances of him on cards, and I'd send the bunch to his widow and daughters for a surprise. No one seemed unhappy I "told" them what to do, and the project went over very well.

 

Recently, after a spate of deaths at work, I've told a few people that if I keel over, I *don't* want a service over lunchhour, but would like it if people wrote letters to my son along the lines of "I remember a joke your mum told me" or "Did you know your mother sang when she thought no one would hear her?". I've gotten several "That's a great idea" responses, but no scowls of "I'm being told what to do".

 

I do have other issues with my mom. There's a lot packed into the one sentence where I said my parents were/are very authoritarian.

 

What you did for your brother's family was very thoughtful and, as you describe it, does not sound the way my mother's "request" did. If you've ever read the book Families Where Grace is in Place, my family growing up was EXACTLY as VanVonderan describes as UNGraceful. Where people's emotions are controlled (or attempted to be) by fixing up the outside. This feels like that to me. Like putting specific things my mom wants to be true in a letter will make them evidently so. Don't misunderstand - my dad is and always was a "good" guy, but he was not an attentive father and isn't now, either. Does that fill the picture in a bit more fully?

 

Is there ANY chance she's trying to organize a 70 letters for his 70th type thing? That idea has been making the rounds with the photos of the teary dad going through his letters/cards from friends & family, yadda yadda. Maybe she's trying to do that?

 

I love the idea of a photo book, btw.

 

No. Not a chance. It was just to me and my siblings and this will not be a big party (unless I'm not in on that part of the surprise, but I highly doubt it).

 

Ok, the brat in me would comply, sort-of. I wouldn't give my dad a card or a letter. I would interview the kids on video and ask them to tell me their favorite story about Grandpa and then I'd share my favorite story. I would burn it to a disk and wrap it up pretty. Or, I would buy one of those moving picture frames and set it up to scroll through love messages instead of pictures. Each picture could say something like "Jason loves camping with Granddad" and then put a picture of them camping. Then "Mary loves sharing a Popsicle with Granddad" and then put a picture of them chasing each other with Popsicles.

 

Grandpa would feel loved and appreciated and would get his love messages from you all and Mom *might* be taught to stop telling people to conform to a box.

 

That's a very cute idea.

[Laurie4b]

I think it sounds like the issue with your mom is kind of a separate issue from the idea itself. If you feel that she is conveying that she thinks you aren't grateful children or that you aren't competent enough to do something he'd like yourselves, i would take that up with her at a different time and separate from this incident. What she asked for for his birthday was appropriate. I would guess it was the word "expect" that got your goat, not the idea of wanting cards or letters telling your dad what he's done that's blessed you. That is a pretty normal request.

 

The "since she told me, now it's not mine" is a a kind of the inverse side of the common: "If I have to tell dh what I want for my birthday, it doesn't count. He should know what I want without being told." Does it really matter that she told you? It's a very nice gift for your dad.

 

I asked my own sons to write me letters or make me a card on Mother's Day because I like the very kind of thing your mom asked you to do for your dad. If dh had done it, I wouldn't have had to ask, but there you have it! I will remind them to do that for him on Father's Day because he likes that, too. I don't think it makes what they say insincere. It's just a prompt for them to get say it . Your mom's request for your dad might also be something that she would enjoy herself, so you might file it away for her birthday. ;)

 

More than once we've been told by one of dh's sisters that we're all supposed to do a photo page or something for a birthday party or anniversary or something. We were told what was supposed to be included, etc. I didn't feel they were being bossy, just organizing. Your dad may have said something that made your mom think he would like it. It doesn't have to mean she thought you wouldn't have done something on your own, though maybe she did. Just be honest in your note. You will all have different things your dad did that were meaningful to you so the letters won't all be the same.