Considering sending DD (almost)9 to PS this fall

[mrsdrcook]

I'm very frustrated with my oldest daughter. This spring she has had one issue after another which has caused me concern regarding my ability to school another and keep her on track as well. DD #2 is starting K5 this fall and I have two other preschoolers at home as well.

 

Background: DD #1 has ADD and probably an anxiety disorder of sorts. She has had stomach aches, nausea and vomiting most days of the week for most of the spring semester. The gastroenterologist we took her to is recommending counseling and possibly some anxiety medicine. She is already on Strattera. We were able to clear up her issue with constipation which I didn't know about until seeing the specialist, so now her stomach issues have improved but are still present. I've put her on a special diet, Feingold stage1 which means no artificial dyes, flavors and no BHA, BHT, etc. I think this is helping,... less "meltdowns" and over reactions to stress. But DH is not very supportive. Taking away Coolwhip, Cheezits and other standard items at home is like killing the sacred cow! He frequently announces at bedtime snacktime, there is "nothing to eat" in spite of a pantry full of chips and crackers.

 

So my reasons are #1 she is not taking initiative to get her independent work done on her own without me nagging and helping her through each subject. #2 Work is not done completely or even according to lesson book directions when she does do it herself. #3 She is not retaining content. (Score of 10/32 on final test for Prima Latina - but this is an elective. Spelling grades are down but still B+.) #4 I'm not able to spend time with other DDs who need lots of attention too. (I haven't been doing any preschool with DD #3 and only a day or two a week with #2.

Finally, following any kind of schedule is almost impossible with the unpredictablilty of DD#1's conditions. (I tried MOTH and even simplified versions of this.)

[Keniki]

Has your gastroenterologist checked for food intolerances? Your dd's symptoms really remind me of someone with Celiac Disease, although I've heard dairy can also cause problems.

[mrsdrcook]

She has not been tested yet. The doctor said that would be the next step after testing for H pylori bacteria and an x-ray for constipation. The latter was + but haven't done the former yet.

[Kathryn]

I'm confused. You want to send your daughter with ADD, anxiety, and unexplained, uncontrolled nausea and vomiting to school? Or your other daughter who will be starting school?

[MomatHWTK]

I would not think the ps setting would be beneficial for a child with ADD and anxiety. Mine has both of those (ADHD) and our therapist has told us that he would not be mainstreamed if he went to PS. I guess it depends on the frequency and triggers of the meltdowns.

 

My 11 year old still needs me in the room helping him even when the work is supposed to be independent (like a computer-based interactive class). I would not expect indepence from a 9 y.o. who has the above issues. Sometimes it takes a combination of medications plus therapy to help the child to cope with the explosion of brain growth and chemical activities going on due to pre-puberty.

[Kathryn]

Never mind. I see in the title it's the older one. Are you serious or are you saying that in frustration? Because honestly, it doesn't sound like a good idea while she's having medical issues like this.

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

I agree with Keniki about testing for celiac disease or other intolerances.

 

It may be a good idea to put her in school. How does she feel about this?

 

I have 4 teenagers right now and they are all in school, mainly because I know they need regimentation and something to do outside the home on an almost daily basis. If accountability cannot be provided and healthy outlets are not possible at home, then school is a great option.

 

It is nice to see our teenagers have to take responsibility for getting themselves out of bed early in the morning as well as get their homework done. They may do better when another adult is the one teaching them and holding them to expectations.

 

One of my sons who was quite lazy and self-centered as a junior high student, was put in school his 8th grade year. I told him while he was at home that his laziness and lack of motivation would cost him someday. It did. He had quite a learning curve when he went to school. This time he had to be the one taking initiative and getting his schoolwork done. It was a blessing for me not to fight with him everyday! Also, our relationship improved after he went to school.

 

Most of all, I pray you and have a good relationship with dd. It sure does take an effort to do that, doesn't it?

 

Blessings and maybe next year you can enjoy school with your little ones.

 

 

Camy

[Mandylubug]

Never mind. I see in the title it's the older one. Are you serious or are you saying that in frustration? Because honestly, it doesn't sound like a good idea while she's having medical issues like this.

:iagree: my ADHD anxious boy did not thrive in PS but more so drowned. Instead of trying harder to "conform" he fell in with a very rough crowd and his behavior was horrible. I am talking about a sweet hearted, non confrontational child being suspended from the school bus twice in two weeks, being sent to the office for shooting the librarian a bird.. all for the laugh of his peers. He told me if others were laughing he knew they liked him.. Anxiety is huge for the new kid and ADHD kids have higher anxiety issues than typical :(

[mo2]

Does she WANT to go to school? If not, then I would think going to ps would only increase her anxiety/ADD issues, which would in turn exacerbate her stomach issues, which would make her more anxious, which turns into a spiral.

 

If, however, she DOES want to try ps, then sure, give it a try. What can it hurt? Give it a semester, and if it doesn't work, pull her back out.

 

:grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

I'm confused. You want to send your daughter with ADD, anxiety, and unexplained, uncontrolled nausea and vomiting to school? Or your other daughter who will be starting school?

 

Confused here too. Not sure how this would help anything. There would just be more stress and expectations piled on.

[fraidycat]

My DD9, who has no medical (or very mild in comparison) issues to speak of still needs constant attention and redirection to keep her on task...mostly because school is "boring" to her. She's much rather be building and creating things. She is pre-pubescent and hormonal so meltdowns happen, but speaking as one who just pulled my children from PS last December - she is way, WAY better being at home.

 

The combination of tiredness, stress, and boredom created by PS resulted in a nightmare for the whole family. She was miserable and it was almost impossible to tolerate being in the same room with her from the minute she walked in the door after school, because she was an absolute angel people pleaser while AT school, but we got to deal with the bottled up blow-out each afternoon where she felt safe and secure enough to let off her steam.

[MtnTeaching]

Strattera can cause exactly what you just stated: stomach problems, vomiting, nausea. Horrible, nasty nausea. Nervousness.

 

Does she eat a VERY big and healthy breakfast before taking the med. Not just a bowl of cereal. I am talking eggs, yogurt and fruit, possibly a meat source? Protein is a must. Flax seed can help sometimes. Some people even add a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

 

Some people just cannot handle Strattera - my ds was one of them. It was horrible for him. It also did absolutely nothing for his attention problems. Focalin is what finally "clicked" for him, but every person is different. I would be looking into the Strattera as a problem for her. It was heartbreaking for me to see the difference once we found the med that truly worked for ds and to realize that he had been suffering while on the other med.

 

I try not to be a person who is this pushy when it comes to other people's children, but I have been there. Please do not put your dd into ps until you can figure out what the problem is. Whether it is the meds, or Celiac, or anxiety, public school is not going to help the situation. You need to find out what the problem is first. For my sweet dd, public school IS what caused her anxiety and gastrointestinal problems.

 

:grouphug: and best of luck in determining the best route for your dd. You may need to look into finding a Dr. who will work with you on this more than the one you have and Dh may just have to take his dd's health more seriously and give his Cheez-Its less focus.

[Mommy22alyns]

Never mind. I see in the title it's the older one. Are you serious or are you saying that in frustration? Because honestly, it doesn't sound like a good idea while she's having medical issues like this.

 

 

:iagree:

 

And needing help in schoolwork is IME pretty normal at that age. Rebecca can do some independent work, but it takes her forever if I'm not right there.

[Twilight Woods]

My oldest DD 10 has ADD and GAD. We started with Strattera and had to stop taking it bc it wasnt helping and make her feel sick. She now takes Setreline and I have a different child.

 

That being said, SHe will not be going back to school this fall b/c of the above issues. She is way to hard on herself and it causes unnecessary stress on her.

 

I am hoping to have my sweet mannered, loving child back. :)

 

Also, She will be a 6th grader and I still have to be around to help. She can do some stuff independently but not usually. She is just that type.... she likes to have that attention and assurance she is on the right path.

[gardening momma]

So my reasons are #1 she is not taking initiative to get her independent work done on her own without me nagging and helping her through each subject. #2 Work is not done completely or even according to lesson book directions when she does do it herself.

The only work that my 8 year old does that is close to independent is still done with me in the room, usually at the same table. Even then, it's rarely more than a problem at a time, unless it's her desire to work ahead. Then I let her do as much as she wants.

 

#3 She is not retaining content. (Score of 10/32 on final test for Prima Latina - but this is an elective. Spelling grades are down but still B+.)

Grades? What's that? Don't need them at this age.

Finally, following any kind of schedule is almost impossible with the unpredictablilty of DD#1's conditions. (I tried MOTH and even simplified versions of this.)

I don't do schedules. I just pick up the next book and do as much as I feel like. Then pick up the next one. If it's been a while since we've done science, then we do a couple of days-worth of science (or history, or spelling, or whatever).

 

I'm a pretty relaxed homeschooler.

[Lisbeth]

Never mind. I see in the title it's the older one. Are you serious or are you saying that in frustration? Because honestly, it doesn't sound like a good idea while she's having medical issues like this.

 

I agree 100%.

[mandymom]

I have to agree with the others here. We ultimately brought my oldest home because of ADHD. If she is not doing schoolwork for YOU when you are right there with her, she will NOT do it when she is in a classroom of 25-30 other students and a teacher trying to manage all of them. There will be WAY too many distractions and the teacher will be too busy to redirect her much.

 

When she reaches middle school and has multiple teachers, it will be even worse, and you will spend all of your time trying (and many times unsuccessfully) to determine what was assigned in each of her 6-7 classes, if she did the work/studied for the test, and then if she actually made it to school and turned it in.

 

Add in to that other physical issues, and I really believe you will find your current situation better for you AND her. That's not to say it is not terribly frustrating, but at least you can train her on how to handle her issues in an appropriate way. The ADHD won't go away, and there isn't anyone in PS that has the time necessary to train her how to manage it in real life.

 

I would possibly see about switching meds. My son has terrible side effects with Adderall-based drugs, when others work well for him. It really made it worse for him rather than help him.

 

:grouphug: to you, because I know how frustrating it can be. But trust me when I say that it is MORE frustrating when they are in a school setting.

[Geo]

Never mind. I see in the title it's the older one. Are you serious or are you saying that in frustration? Because honestly, it doesn't sound like a good idea while she's having medical issues like this.

 

:iagree:

 

At the very least, trial a med for anxiety. Straterra is for ADHD...not an anxiety disorder. Many ADHD kids (primarily inattentive or not) need meds for a co-existing condition. All of the problems she struggles with and you listed as reasons for sending her to ps are ADHD symptoms. They aren't "fixed" by meds, only lessened to a degree. Neither can she just "get with the program". These symptoms will follow her wherever she goes. They are a neurological condition that is often taxed even further by a performance-oriented enviroment. These kids need even more nurture and support, not less, to heighten their chance of success. She's actually the one to consider keeping home...rather than the other way around.

 

Think of it this way:

The way you are feeling right now, stressed, unsuccessful, frustrated, overwhelmed, discouraged...that's ADHD. Every day. I know...because my kids got it from me.

 

I say this with all honesty, and empathy for your frustration. :grouphug: I have homeschooled under the same conditions as you for 25 years now. It can be done. No, it's not ideal, but it is what it is.

 

Three of my six kids have ADHD. One has several co-existing conditions, including an anxiety disorder. Kids like this are at such high risk. PS (and all it values and rewards) can really mess with their self-perception, and more often than not, undermines success, rather than improve it.

 

Please reconsider.

 

ETA: Sertraline (Zoloft) has been enormously helpful for ds. You might also want to reconsider whether the Straterra is helping her enough. A stimulant may be much more effective for her. I also suggest you visit the SN boards for help and encouragement. The ladies there are awesome and empathetic...not to mention highly experienced (and coping) with overcoming obstacles.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Geo

[Geo]

I have to agree with the others here. We ultimately brought my oldest home because of ADHD. If she is not doing schoolwork for YOU when you are right there with her, she will NOT do it when she is in a classroom of 25-30 other students and a teacher trying to manage all of them. There will be WAY too many distractions and the teacher will be too busy to redirect her much.

 

When she reaches middle school and has multiple teachers, it will be even worse, and you will spend all of your time trying (and many times unsuccessfully) to determine what was assigned in each of her 6-7 classes, if she did the work/studied for the test, and then if she actually made it to school and turned it in.

 

Add in to that other physical issues, and I really believe you will find your current situation better for you AND her. That's not to say it is not terribly frustrating, but at least you can train her on how to handle her issues in an appropriate way. The ADHD won't go away, and there isn't anyone in PS that has the time necessary to train her how to manage it in real life.

 

I would possibly see about switching meds. My son has terrible side effects with Adderall-based drugs, when others work well for him. It really made it worse for him rather than help him.

 

:grouphug: to you, because I know how frustrating it can be. But trust me when I say that it is MORE frustrating when they are in a school setting.

 

:thumbup: Ditto!

[mrsdrcook]

Thank you so much for the insight! And, no I really don't want to send her to PS, but neither do I want to cheat her sister out of a good kindergarten experience. I'm looking into co-op options to give us a break from each other and provide some electives which I'm too overwhelmed to provide.

 

I realize I would most likely be HSing her even if we signed her up for PS due to all her stomach problems.

 

We went with Strattera for the anti anxiety component. Also she had way too many meltdowns with Ritalin.

[MomatHWTK]

Try to keep in mind that even if your first born had no issues, your subsequent children will in no way have the same K experience as she did. This will be true for every grade. You are different as a teacher, and your family dynamics are different.

 

My other children have not had flashcards to teach them letters or colors or lots of other things I did with the first. But, they have had an older sibling to play with, been allowed to sit on mommy's lap while she taught big kid subjects and get to play with all those forbidden "big kid" toys that never even came into the house when DS was an only child.

 

You don't have to give every child the exact same experience, you should (IMO) give every child the experience that they need. :grouphug:

Edited May 18, 2012 by MomatHWTK

[Kathryn]

Try to keep in mind that even if your first born had no issues, your subsequent children will in no way have the same K experience as she did. This will be true for every grade. You are different as a teacher, and your family dynamics are different.

 

My other children have not had flashcards to teach them letters or colors or lots of other things I did with the first. But, they have had an older sibling to play with, been allowed to sit on mommy's lap while she taught big kid subjects and get to play with all those forbidden "big kid" toys that never even came into the house when DS was an only child.

 

You don't have to give every child the exact same experience, you should (IMO) to give every child the experience that they need. :grouphug:

 

Good advice for anyone! I try to tell myself this frequently as I feel badly that my younger doesn't get the same kind of one-on-one attention that his brother did.

[clarkacademy]

Thank you so much for the insight! And, no I really don't want to send her to PS, but neither do I want to cheat her sister out of a good kindergarten experience. I'm looking into co-op options to give us a break from each other and provide some electives which I'm too overwhelmed to provide.

 

I realize I would most likely be HSing her even if we signed her up for PS due to all her stomach problems.

 

We went with Strattera for the anti anxiety component. Also she had way too many meltdowns with Ritalin.

 

I understand what you are saying about ps in your original post. I also feel that a 9 year old should be able to do some work on her own as well. My older son special needs dominates things and I do feel badly every day for my other two youngers. I get where you are coming from. I know my son has issues I also know that if he were in a school setting he wouldn't be sitting there tossing a fit over doing his work.

 

I know ps is not a great fit for him but I understand your feelings. It gets overwhelming with a child like that.

[TheTwinsMom1]

I second that Strattera can cause awful, horrible stomach pain and vomiting. I tried it for my own ADHD for awhile and never could get over the constant nausea and vomiting. It was horrible. I honestly would try going with out the med or a new one for a while and see if some of the stomach issues resolve.

[TheTwinsMom1]

You said you had problems with ritalin, luckily there are other drugs now besides ritalin based ones. My kids did well on Adderall when they were still taking stimulants.

[Mama Geek]

You don't have to wait for a test for celiac. Just take it out of his diet for a couple of weeks and see if it helps. You will notice a difference that fast.

[Ellie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I feel your pain, but honestly, I just don't see how sending your dd to school will be the best thing for her. What I'm seeing is that it would probably be a good thing to reevaluate your curriculum and your methods. Maybe a more Charlotte Mason method would be better. Or a unit study, considering that you'll be adding in a sibling, and doing things together would be better than little people sitting at desks working as if it were school instead of home. Maybe because of her other issues, she's just not ready to be sent off to do assignments on her own--she's only 8yo, and many dc who are only 8yo have difficulty doing seatwork independently.

 

Her symptoms could be indicative of celiac disease, or dairy intolerances. JMHO, of course, but I'd eliminate dairy and get her tested for celiac. And it would not surprise me if your dd isn't on board with that. It doesn't matter. You should do it anyway.

 

I don't know what kind of "kindergarten experience" a homeschooled child might expect, but y'all are a *family unit.* Sending one away is more of a problem to the family unit than trying to make some sort of experience for the other.

[EKS]

I would not expect an 8yo, let alone an 8yo with ADHD, to be able to do much work independently and I certainly wouldn't expect her to actually take initiative to do it.

 

My older son also had anxiety issues and ADHD and took Celexa for about 6 months (which really helped). Our doctor said that what he likes to is get the anxiety under control first, then add a stimulant medication to help with the ADHD. At that time Strattera had just come out, so he wasn't using it yet.

 

All of this is to say that with your daughter's health issues, anxiety, and ADHD, it sounds like school might not be a good place for her next year. I would try scaling down what you are trying to do with her to the basics and then just assume that she'll need help with it. If you decide to send anyone to school, I'd vote for sending one or more of the younger ones. (FWIW, I'm not against school; I'm sending both of mine to school next year, but it doesn't sound like school is the answer for this child right now.)