My XMIL reaches out

[Scarlett]

Hee hee.

 

It is sad and comical, but oh so typical.

 

3 years ago I discoveed her son was cheating on me and I divorced him. She has not ONE time, in 3 years made ONE phone call to me. Not one. Not one call to say 'hey how are you?' or 'do you and my ONLY grandson need anything?' or can I talk to my ONLY grandson?' Nothing. ZIP.

 

Which is fine. One of the biggest benefits of divorcing XH was never having to deal with her again.

 

Well. When I was married to her son, one of the 'things' she and I shared was shoes. She had bad feet....would often buy very expensive shoes and immediately discover she couldn't wear them...fortunately for me she has the exact size shoe as me and VERY expensive taste in shoes. I am still wearing shoes she gave me 15 years ago.

 

So. XH goes to visit her two weeks ago. When he gets back he tells me that his mother sent a pair of shoes to me.

 

Honestly...the shoes she sent are not what I will wear. But I accepted them and told XH thank you. It makes me strangely sad though!

 

How should I respond? Should I thank her for the shoes? Should I send her pictures of her grandson? Should I say, 'see what your crazy mothering skills got ya?' Oh sorry, zoned out for a minute there!

 

 

 

She is 82. I can't give her what she deserves.

 

So what do I give her?

[annandatje]

Nothing. Sending thanks via ex husband is sufficient for someone who has contacted you in three years.

[Tap]

Thank her for the shoes in a note or card. If she calls or contacts you and wants to see ds, you can choose to set the boundaries you feel comfortable with. Start small and move up as you feel is appropriate.

 

It sounds like she is gently reaching out to you. Take it kindly and move slowly.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thank her for the shoes in a note or card. If she calls or contacts you and wants to see ds, you can choose to set the boundaries you feel comfortable with. Start small and move up as you feel is appropriate.

 

It sounds like she is gently reaching out to you. Take it kindly and move slowly.

 

:iagree:

[Mrs Mungo]

I would call or send a thank you note. No need to give her any reason to talk smack.

[myfunnybunch]

A thank you note written on a pretty flowery card would politely acknowledge the gift, you'd make an old lady feel good, and a note does not require that you speak with her. Win-win-win. :) Adding a picture of her grandson would be a kindness that will probably make her day, with minimal extra effort on your part.

 

Cat

[newlifemom]

A thank you note written on a pretty flowery card would politely acknowledge the gift, you'd make an old lady feel good, and a note does not require that you speak with her. Win-win-win. :) Adding a picture of her grandson would be a kindness that will probably make her day, with minimal extra effort on your part.

 

Cat

 

:iagree:

[SonshineLearner]

My husband's mom didn't talk to her ex daughter in law for 10 years; not until I told my husband that he needed to share with his mom that he wasn't really so perfect. (and more, but...no affair, no abuse) He's a good guy, but he was really wasn't "self-less" :) He gave his mom the encouragement of speaking to his ex-wife (I know... I'm too nice) Anyway, mom's can't see their son's faults sometimes!! You never know what he told her, and perhaps it's awkward for her. Those shoes could possibly be taken as a nice way to gently be on semi-speakable terms :) Just a card with a "Thanks for thinking of me" and maybe even a sweet pic of her grandson, might be the way to go..

:)

Edited April 26, 2012 by NayfiesMama
Too funny... I see that Cat said some of the same :)

[Hilltop]

I would send a thank you card and include a picture of your son.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Extend some grace and send her a thank-you note and a few pictures. I'm not dismissing her behavior, or the trauma that *you* suffered, but the whole situation was probably painful and traumatic for her as well--it had to be troubling to face the fact that she raised a child who flunked out in such a spectacular way. It could very well be that she didn't know WHAT to say to you, so she just didn't say anything at all.

[sbgrace]

I, too, would send a thank you and picture or two if you can.

[mazakaal]

My husband's mom didn't talk to her ex daughter in law for 10 years; not until I told my husband that he needed to share with his mom that he wasn't really so perfect. (and more, but...no affair, no abuse) He's a good guy, but he was really wasn't "self-less" :) He gave his mom the encouragement of speaking to his ex-wife (I know... I'm too nice) Anyway, mom's can't see their son's faults sometimes!! You never know what he told her, and perhaps it's awkward for her. Those shoes could possibly be taken as a nice way to gently be on semi-speakable terms :) Just a card with a "Thanks for thinking of me" and maybe even a sweet pic of her grandson, might be the way to go..

:)

 

I agree. Maybe she's just trying to test the waters and reach out. A thank you card with a photo would be a nice gesture.

[jelbe5]

:auto:

Nothing. Sending thanks via ex husband is sufficient for someone who has contacted you in three years.

 

:iagree:

 

A thanks via your XH is fine; unless you really want to have ongoing contact again with her. If you do, send a note. Otherwise, let it go. I don't feel you owe her anything.

[Scarlett]

You asked "What do I give her?"

 

The biggest heart you can, the most kindness you can. The benefit of the doubt.

 

Not for her sake, but for yours.

 

Perfect. I will send her a card and a picture of ds12.

 

Thanks everyone.

[TranquilMind]

Thank her for the shoes in a note or card. If she calls or contacts you and wants to see ds, you can choose to set the boundaries you feel comfortable with. Start small and move up as you feel is appropriate.

 

It sounds like she is gently reaching out to you. Take it kindly and move slowly.

Absolutely, send a card. She is reaching out. She's 82! Be kind and you won't regret it.

[4everHis]

Thank her for the shoes in a note or card. If she calls or contacts you and wants to see ds, you can choose to set the boundaries you feel comfortable with. Start small and move up as you feel is appropriate.

 

It sounds like she is gently reaching out to you. Take it kindly and move slowly.

 

:iagree:

[*********]

Hee hee.

 

It is sad and comical, but oh so typical.

 

3 years ago I discoveed her son was cheating on me and I divorced him. She has not ONE time, in 3 years made ONE phone call to me. Not one. Not one call to say 'hey how are you?' or 'do you and my ONLY grandson need anything?' or can I talk to my ONLY grandson?' Nothing. ZIP.

 

Which is fine. One of the biggest benefits of divorcing XH was never having to deal with her again.

 

Well. When I was married to her son, one of the 'things' she and I shared was shoes. She had bad feet....would often buy very expensive shoes and immediately discover she couldn't wear them...fortunately for me she has the exact size shoe as me and VERY expensive taste in shoes. I am still wearing shoes she gave me 15 years ago.

 

So. XH goes to visit her two weeks ago. When he gets back he tells me that his mother sent a pair of shoes to me.

 

Honestly...the shoes she sent are not what I will wear. But I accepted them and told XH thank you. It makes me strangely sad though!

 

How should I respond? Should I thank her for the shoes? Should I send her pictures of her grandson? Should I say, 'see what your crazy mothering skills got ya?' Oh sorry, zoned out for a minute there!

 

 

 

She is 82. I can't give her what she deserves.

 

So what do I give her?

 

Scarlett, I think you should send her a thank you card. If you're feeling REALLY gracious, add something in there about her feeling free to call, email, whatever if she'd like to talk to you or your ds.

 

I'm wondering, though; doesn't she see your ds when he is with his father? I ask because, well, it kind of used to hurt my feelings when my mil would call the stepkid's mom to set up seeing them, when dh and I took them over there ALL THE TIME when they were with us. I get that my mil and my stepkids mom had a relationship before I came along. But really, it kind of felt 'disloyal' to me that she'd call their mom, but NEVER call me to ask if dh and I would bring the kids over. Never. She never ONE TIME called and asked us to come bring the kids. Even though we have them a lot. Anyway, just wondering if maybe your exmil is possibly trying not to step on toes with her son, so she sees your ds when he's with dad instead of when he's with you.

 

(And yes, I realize that mil calling my stepkids mom likely had NOTHING to do with me at all. But mil never tried to establish a relationship with me; rather, she kind of acted like I didn't exist, or like I had no influence in my stepkid's lives. It hurt. It still does, even though she passed two years ago.)

[AuntieM]

You asked "What do I give her?"

 

The biggest heart you can, the most kindness you can. The benefit of the doubt.

 

Not for her sake, but for yours.

 

At 82, its possible she's looking back and trying to make amends. If you were in her shoes (ah, no pun intended!), wouldn't you hope for a little mercy and grace?

 

Be the bigger person. Send her a short note and maybe a picture.

[gardenmom5]

So. XH goes to visit her two weeks ago. When he gets back he tells me that his mother sent a pair of shoes to me.

 

Honestly...the shoes she sent are not what I will wear. But I accepted them and told XH thank you. It makes me strangely sad though!

 

How should I respond? Should I thank her for the shoes? Should I send her pictures of her grandson?

She is 82. I can't give her what she deserves.

 

So what do I give her?

 

I would send a nice thank you note for the shoes. It would be gracious if you also included a recent photo of your son and a short blurb about what he is doing.

 

It may be she's using the shoes as a means to reach out. (perhaps not, but maybe.)

[beccad777]

A thank you note written on a pretty flowery card would politely acknowledge the gift, you'd make an old lady feel good, and a note does not require that you speak with her. Win-win-win. :) Adding a picture of her grandson would be a kindness that will probably make her day, with minimal extra effort on your part.

 

Cat

 

:iagree:This is a great response. Maybe this is her way of reaching out and gauging your response.

[Scarlett]

I'm wondering, though; doesn't she see your ds when he is with his father?

 

No, she doesn't see him. In fact, ds and I were thinking and thinking and he thinks MAYBE he has seen her one time since the seperation 3 years ago. I think ds says hi to her on the phone when he is with his dad, but there is no relationship to speak of.

 

 

 

But mil never tried to establish a relationship with me; rather, she kind of acted like I didn't exist, or like I had no influence in my stepkid's lives. It hurt. It still does, even though she passed two years ago.)

 

 

That would hurt me too regardless of whether kids were involved or not! Good grief, you are her ds's WIFE, and unless you were the cause of her son's first divorce (and I know you weren't) why would she not put a little effort into a relationship with you? People are weird though, for sure. :grouphug:

[Tammyla]

She's old...and pretty much not your problem anymore...;)

 

 

I'd send a nice card with a picture and feel good about it.

[Scarlett]

I am going to send her a ty note and picture of ds.

 

For any who don't remember, she was the MIL from Hades....seriously I win hands down over any MIL ever mentioned on this board, including Imp's!

 

She was viscious to me for 26 years---almost all of the time---with a few glimpses of kindness thrown in once in a while (like giving me her shoes). She WANTED her son and me to be divorced.

 

But the ty note and picture of ds? That will be for me---to be the best person I can be---and for my ds---to show him that it is always ok to be kind and yet remind him about boundaries with those kinds of people.