Vent: "You should go back to PS..."

[m0mmaBuck]

"...because your parents don't do a good job HS'ing you." :glare:

 

DS's neighborhood friend told him this, in additional to a few other anti- HS comments such as "You are really just a 3rd grader because you don't go to real school."

 

This is a family that we have known for years, that does Scouts with us, that we had considered "friendly" until DS told us what he hears when he is over there. I am guessing that the child hears it from his parents as it doesn't seem like something the boy would have come up with on his own.

 

I asked DS if he feels like he is "behind" when he is around other kids and he says, "No, except they said I don't do Algebra." Um... Actually we do. And geometry. But I just call it "Math." Then I pointed out all of the things he knows that they haven't even been exposed to yet (including World History, Latin, Spanish, chemistry....).

 

Now he thinks he wants to go back to PS when he hits middle school. Ok.

 

It's "nice" to know what people really think of you.

[m0mmaBuck]

People are various expletives. :D

 

Whatever. It sounds like they are jealous really. ;)

 

It came up when I asked if he wanted to call this boy after he got home from school and invite him over to play. Instead, I got a 10 year old in tears because the kid he thought was one of his best friends thinks he's dumb. Great.

 

That's what I get for trying to socialize him. :lol:

[6packofun]

People can be really, really clueless and most of the time kids take their cue from things parents say. Not always, though.

 

My dd14 had the first negative thing about homeschooling said to her yesterday from a friend at church! They were in groups and were told to come up with the top 10 most common adolescent lies (I forgot. I already did it!, etc.) and when dd tried to offer some ideas, the girl told her that she doesn't really get what teens like her have to deal with at school so her suggestions didn't make sense. LOL Basically, she's so sheltered that she couldn't know what lying is. :lol: It was odd and stupid!

[Bang!Zoom!]

I'm really sorry to hear of the comments. That's too bad some folks feel the need to judge.

[Catwoman]

It came up when I asked if he wanted to call this boy after he got home from school and invite him over to play. Instead, I got a 10 year old in tears because the kid he thought was one of his best friends thinks he's dumb. Great.

 

That's what I get for trying to socialize him. :lol:

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

If the kid is that critical of your ds, he's no friend, and I would do my best to limit their contact in the future. If the other parents ask you about it, tell them the truth about what their ds has been saying. (I'm sure they won't be surprised, because he probably heard it from them first... which means that they may not exactly be great friends for you to have, either.)

[elegantlion]

some people are morons. Some adolescents aren't smart enough to filter their parents thoughts. Fortunately this lack of a filter helps us identify the morons easier. I'm sorry your ds has that experience. My ds lost a good friend when was 11 because of something stupid the parents did. It hurts, it's the only time I've seen my ds in tears.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: hugs to your ds.

[thefragile7393]

It came up when I asked if he wanted to call this boy after he got home from school and invite him over to play. Instead, I got a 10 year old in tears because the kid he thought was one of his best friends thinks he's dumb. Great.

 

That's what I get for trying to socialize him. :lol:

See what happens when you socialize lolol?! No really I'm sorry...I'm sorry how thoughtless some people are. Definitely no friend of your son sadly.

[m0mmaBuck]

It makes me sad for my DS since he really liked hanging out with this kid. However, I will be limiting his contact given the low opinion the boy seems to have of DS (or the parents seem to have of us).

[myfunnybunch]

I wouldn't be too quick to blame the parents. Kids can be pretty good at finding the soft spots and using them to be hurtful, and those comments absolutely sound like something a 10 y.o. boy came up with.

 

:grouphug: The other kid acted like a thoughtless jerk. Sorry your son was on the receiving end. That really stinks. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[ThisIsTheDay]

It's "nice" to know what people really think of you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Been there, with what we thought were good friends. I am grateful that my dd was young enough to not catch on at the time, and she and the other girl have maintained their bff friendship in the ten years that have passed. As for our friendship with the parents--we had been very close and dropped it after that.

[Dmmetler]

:grouphug:

 

My DD gets those comments occasionally-and it's amazing how a child can be WELL above grade level in every area, and still come home feeling like she's "Dumb" because some idiotic kid made a "you don't go to real school, so you must be stupid" comment. I'm very tempted to teach her a bunch of retorts in Latin :).

[m0mmaBuck]

:grouphug:

 

My DD gets those comments occasionally-and it's amazing how a child can be WELL above grade level in every area, and still come home feeling like she's "Dumb" because some idiotic kid made a "you don't go to real school, so you must be stupid" comment. I'm very tempted to teach her a bunch of retorts in Latin :).

 

I actually had that thought too!

[Harriet Vane]

These are people you considered to be friends?

 

Why not call them on it? Head over to the house and calmly tell them you wanted to make sure you understood the situation correctly. Tell them what was said, and speak the truth.

 

See how they react. You'll know what they think and either a rational discussion will fix this, or you'll know not to associate with them further.

 

FWIW, we did have both some neighbor kids make some of these kinds of comments as well as some friends of cousins. Every time a calm discussion changed things entirely.

[NanceXToo]

It makes me sad for my DS since he really liked hanging out with this kid. However, I will be limiting his contact given the low opinion the boy seems to have of DS (or the parents seem to have of us).

 

I wouldn't jump to conclusions that the parents said this first. It's quite possible the boy could have decided this on his own, or that other friends of his made negative comments when he mentioned having a homeschooled friend.

 

I would not limit his contact (if it were me); I'd leave it to the two of them to work it out, letting my child know several different ways s/he could handle something like that, then letting him/her decide how much contact s/he still wanted to have with the other kid.

 

Possible suggestions to my child:

 

1. You can just ignore it. You know it's not true. Sometimes people make negative comments about things they are jealous of or that they don't really understand or just to get a reaction out of someone. Hopefully he won't say those things again, so you could decide to just let it go unless/until it comes up again. If it begins to be an ongoing issue, you might have to come up with a different solution.

 

2. You can speak to him about it, nicely, the next time you see him. You've been friends a long time, you could just try telling him how you feel. That the things he said bothered you, and weren't even true, and you would appreciate it if he would not say negative things about your parents or your schooling to you if he's really your friend. Sometimes people don't even realize that the things they are saying can be hurtful unless you tell them.

 

3. You can ask me to mention it to his parents. I could go over and talk to them and let them know what was said and ask them to talk to him about it. But realize that he might feel like you were trying to get him in trouble and it might affect your relationship.

 

4. When school gets out for him, we could have a "Bring A Friend To (Home) School Day and invite him to sit in on/participate in a day of our schooling. Let him see how we do some subjects he probably never learns about in public school, which might make him think twice about his impressions. And of course have a cool/fun project or activity lined up as part of the day, too. With a mention of what fun field trip or outing you'll be rounding it out with later on. Let the kid see he was wrong. Maybe he'll then have something positive to say instead of something negative.

 

5. You can decide that someone like that is not a real friend after all and choose not to spend time with him and just not be around him anymore. But sometimes if you've been friends with someone a long time it's worth trying to patch up your differences by talking to them and letting them know how they make you feel when they say or do certain things, and give them a chance to be a better friend. If they do so, great! If they don't, then you know you tried and that they just really aren't worth being around anymore. If you decide you'd rather just have some space from him and don't want to be around him as much anymore, that's okay, too. It's up to you who you want to spend your time around.

 

....that kind of conversation. I'd want to give me kid tools and choices for how to deal with conflict or criticism or friends making you feel bad etc. We'd also chat about not letting silly things other people say affect your moods and life too much, that you can have the strength and confidence to brush it off and not feel you have to change yourself just because of things people say, like with your son thinking maybe he should go to public school. But I would not just make a snap judgment that it must be the parents' fault and that I needed to enforce a blanket rule to limit contact on my child's behalf.

Edited April 17, 2012 by NanceXToo

[Pretty in Pink]

I wouldn't jump to conclusions that the parents said this first. It's quite possible the boy could have decided this on his own, or that other friends of his made negative comments when he mentioned having a homeschooled friend.

 

I would not limit his contact (if it were me); I'd leave it to the two of them to work it out, letting my child know several different ways s/he could handle something like that, then letting him/her decide how much contact s/he still wanted to have with the other kid.

 

<snip>

 

....that kind of conversation. I'd want to give me kid tools and choices for how to deal with conflict or criticism or friends making you feel bad etc. We'd also chat about not letting silly things other people say affect your moods and life too much, that you can have the strength and confidence to brush it off and not feel you have to change yourself just because of things people say, like with your son thinking maybe he should go to public school. But I would not just make a snap judgment that it must be the parents' fault and that I needed to enforce a blanket rule to limit contact on my child's behalf.

 

This.

[3browneyedboys4me]

It could be as simple as the boy is competitive. Maybe he really likes the idea of homeschooling and says things like that to your son b/c he is really jealous. It's just another perspective...but, I certainly wouldn't put too much energy into worry about it.

 

IMO, I would talk with my son about the situation and make sure he understands that he is NOT behind or dumb. I would make sure he understands why children might say things like that and that in fact, it is not kind and nice. Then, the next time you see the child, I would take the opportunity to let him know that his words are hurtful and unkind and he needs to be more respectful of ppl's feelings if he wants to have friends. I wouldn't make a BIG deal about it, but I would handle it nicely and openly with the attitude of intolerance to that type of unkind behaviour. I would also make sure my child understood that he wouldn't want to be friends with someone that said things like that to other ppl. He needs to be aware that, that is just not a good friend if he is saying mean things to him.

 

I've had to do things like this with my children over the years and they seem to understand. Of course, they are boys and have each other to play with if need be. So, that might make things easier for me (them).

:grouphug: to your little one

[Cassy]

I wouldn't be too quick to blame the parents. Kids can be pretty good at finding the soft spots and using them to be hurtful, and those comments absolutely sound like something a 10 y.o. boy came up with.

 

:grouphug: The other kid acted like a thoughtless jerk. Sorry your son was on the receiving end. That really stinks. :grouphug:

 

Cat

 

:iagree: Some of the local kids DS11 hangs around with, whose families we don't know at all well, had a go at him the other day: "Your mum doesn't teach you anything, I bet you don't know what five times five is." He just laughed in their faces, he'd also been enjoying doing decimals that morning, so, refusing to even give an answer to five times five, he retorted, "I also know what 231 divided by twelve is". "You can't divide 231 by twelve" they sneered. "Yes you can, it's 19.25". They apparently just looked at him bewildered.

 

I agree that it's probably mostly jealousy. Most of them have parents who don't appear to be able to bear spending any time with them at all.

 

Cassy

[Starr]

This is the hard part of socialization, kids can be mean. :( I wouldn't read too much into it. People talk this way about kids in school too. All this doesn't stop in ps middle school.

[Dmmetler]

Are state tests looming in your area? My DD has gotten more similar comments recently at dance/gymnastics, from kids who haven't said a word to her about being homeschooled, and I really think it's because the testing window opens here next Monday, and the kids are getting a lot of pressure. Since DD doesn't join in their bemoanings about how they're having to spend SOOOOO much time on practice tests or ALEKS, they jump on her. (DD does take SAT-10 tests, but we don't prep for them beyond deciding what snacks she wants to put in her lunchbox :) ).

 

I figure it's about time for a day of cafe-schooling. There's nothing like having bored college kids who have no customers to wait on telling DD how smart she is to build her up a bit :).

[Spock]

Don't assume.

 

 

My dd heard similar comments from a child who came up with them on her own entirely.

 

A lot of public school kids say things like this. I sometimes wonder if the public school teachers aren't the ones giving them these ideas--since in the early years it is common to hear public school kids say "I wish I was homeschooled", but around 4th/5th grade they start saying "Homeschool isn't real school. You don't really learn/do anything". Maybe their teachers are trying to encourage them to like public school and go overboard?

[SailorMom]

First - perspective. The friend is 10. 10 yo's say stupid things. 10 yo's frequently misunderstand what they hear adults say, especially when they are eavesdropping. Not only that - the OP's DS is 10. So - you have two 10 yo's who could be misunderstanding each other and communicating poorly.

Second - don't count the kid out because he had one bad day. He may have had a horrible week at school (many schools are in the middle of standardized testing) and is jealous of your son's relative freedom.

Third - If you're all generally friends and get along, talk to the mom about it for heaven's sake! She may be mortified and be able to explain what the kid heard, or tell you that he did indeed come up with it on his own.

[m0mmaBuck]

Thank you all for the perspectives. I have had a day to calm down and think about the conversation between two 10 year olds. Ah, kids.

[SunnyDays]

Well, you now have a great story for the next time someone tells you your kids get no socialization!! :D

 

Sorry you're dealing with this... I know my Mama Bear instincts come out when someone picks on my kid. I hope you're able to figure out what's going on and help your guy feel better.