StaceyinLA Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 This may get long, but I'll try to be brief since I'm typing on my iPad. I've just been thinking about why I think this is so difficult for me, and maybe putting it out here will help others offer me advice on how to deal. The "baby" issues started after my tubal reversal. I had an ectopic within a year of the reversal, then 5 years later, I had THREE ectopics in a 9 month period. It was very emotionally draining, as I wanted a baby terribly. I decided though, to have my tubes removed, and ultimately had a hysterectomy. My baby-making days were over. About a year after the hysterectomy, a cousin's dd was arrested for DWI with her baby in the car and the baby was taken. My cousin and his wife had her, but, since both were in their 50's, weren't sure they would want to adopt her. We kept her a LOT. We were very attached, and felt she would be a perfect fit for us. My kids adored her. Well, they decided to adopt her, and basically, I had to let her go. Fwd to almost 3 years ago. Dss and his gf have our first grandbaby. They live with us for a year, and are very hands-off. I spent a TON of time with dsgs and was the person who put him to sleep almost every night. When he was a year old, they moved out, and shortly after that, they split up. I went from seeing him every day to now seeing him every few weeks. During that time, my teenage dd found out she was pg. Not ideal of course, but it was a baby and we were all excited about that. She lost the baby 2 weeks after finding out. 8 months later, it happened again. So now, another dd has dgs, and it was awesome. I was with her when she gave birth, helped her get a good start nursing, and have been able to spend every day for 7 months with them. And now, he's 4000 miles away. Yes I know it is the right thing, and yes, I know he is where he belongs. I am proud of the mother dd is, and I know he is happy and content with her at every moment. But I still feel like someone chewed up my heart and spit it out. That is all. Oh, and let me just clarify that I no longer want another baby. I'm over that. I just invest myself over and over and then it's crushing to have to let go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 You have given those babies such a lifetime gift of love and attachment... :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meggie Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug: That is a lot for one mama to take. :grouphug: I hope you get to see them often and Skype even more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug: The pain of love. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaffodilDreams Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 My grandmother loves me like you love your grandchild, and it's one of the greatest gifts of my life. Your grandson will feel that love when he's older even if the miles continue to separate you. In the meantime, make friends with Skype. Record yourself reading stories to your grandchild and send the cds with a copy of the book. Ask your dd to keep you stocked with lots of pics. Visit your grandson any chance you get. Hopefully you all will live closer to each other one day. Thinking of you tonight! Hugs . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug: The pain of love. I'm sorry. :iagree::grouphug: It can be the most painful thing in the world, opening your heart. Worth it, of course, but still painful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fourcatmom Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are hurting. I am very attached to my 2 yo dgs also by Step-dd. I used to have him one weekend a month and then when I sat down to talk to her about his behavior one weekend, she got mad and took him away. That was nearly three months ago and I haven't been able to see him or talk to him at all. I also had the same feeling after my tubal and longed for another child. I had finally gotten over that but then he came along and fit into a new place in my life - that of being a grandma (or a MeMa as he called me). Anyways, I feel your sadness and just wanted to offer a :grouphug: I hope you find peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 I certainly realize that others have gone through plenty worse, and I'm not trying to make it seem like this can compare to other traumas. I just don't want to come across that way. I did feel like maybe it would semi-explain why I've been whiney and feeling sorry for myself, and I thank you for your understanding. And Michele, I am so sorry. It is so painful to be shut out like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fourcatmom Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I certainly realize that others have gone through plenty worse, and I'm not trying to make it seem like this can compare to other traumas. I just don't want to come across that way. I did feel like maybe it would semi-explain why I've been whiney and feeling sorry for myself, and I thank you for your understanding. And Michele, I am so sorry. It is so painful to be shut out like that. I wasn't trying to compare my situation to yours. They are different and hard in their own ways. I didn't meant to imply or compare. I was just sharing my hurt as well, sometimes it just feels good to get it out. Those boys are lucky that they have you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 Not remotely taken that way. I was just stating that. I think your situation is certainly similar to these things I've experienced, and I know it is very difficult! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.Balaban Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I just want to say that it is AMAZING that you are such a kind and caring person and the dedication you have shown your family! I agree, your grandchildren will know they are loved FOREVER by your actions. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 When we adopted our ds he was 8 months old. He had been living with a foster family from birth. They took care of him and loved him and then had to give him to me. They have done it before with other children and they have done it more since. I cannot fathom how they deal with the loss. But when asked they say this is their ministry. They KNOW it is painful and they said NO it doesn't ever get easier. But they believe it to be worth the pain. We were foster parents to 7 children before we moved here. The first time one of them left us to go back to their bio parents it ripped my heart out. Our organization leaders told us "You'll get used to it." I said "I hope you are wrong." You have been an amazing help to these young parents and their young babies and yes it has caused you grief but would you undo it if you could? Go back in time and not get so attached to the little darlings knowing what you know now? Of course not. You'd do the same thing over again. You have to count the costs in any relationship and love is usually worth the pain. .:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I have this page open from when I was reading last night, nd I wanted to offer you encouragement. I'm sorry your heart is aching so much. As a friend told me recently, Love wins. You're a winner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug: You are hurting; I am sorry. I wish all babies had someone who loved them so much. God has a plan for you. Waiting is hard; it is His time, not yours.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I have no words of comfort, but lot and lots of :grouphug::grouphug: ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 That's a lot of losses - whether or not they compare in scope to other peoples' experience really isn't the issue. How your heart is able to cope IS. You have every right to feel the way you do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtoamiracle Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 very understandable to be upset. No need to try to explain it or analyze it away. I've lost four babies (two ectopics, two miscarriages), two failed adoptions, and the children I helped my sister raise moved 2000 miles away. I also suffer from infertility so my son will never have a sibling. I'm 44 and my days of having children are over. I get it, it's really hard. HUGS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug: Loving hurts soooo bad sometimes. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 Love is the greatest gift. But I think it's also the most painful! Why is that?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 It's true. I wouldn't go back and do any of it differently. And I know people do this all the time (live away from grandchildren). I know I need to suck it up, really I do, and I will. I knew I'd need some days to kind of "mourn" the situation, but I'm sure I'll be fine. 10 weeks really isn't a long time, and I'll be flying over to see them that soon! Dd sent me a video of him playing in the new home, and I sent him several telling him I love him. It'll all be ok. I'll be ok. And I am extremely grateful for the time I've had with him here. It has been awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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