Does homeschooling affect marriage positively or negatively?

[Sahamamama]

My husband and I are relatively new to this whole homeschooling world and adventure. We both feel that this is the right path for our family, our girls, and each of us, but we do wonder how homeschooling will impact our marriage. At this point, it is strong and growing, we love each other, and we want to keep it that way!

 

We have seen several older homeschooling families we know fall apart (divorce), but we don't know the families or spouses well enough to know WHAT REALLY HAPPENED, and certainly not well enough to ask or to assume anything. Part of us wants to simply ask them, "Was it the homeschooling that did it, or was it something else?"

 

We do wonder, and would like to ask those of you who have gone farther down this road, What impact does homeschooling have on a marriage? What pitfalls are there, and how can we avoid them? What are the benefits and risks?

 

Also, does anyone know of any research that has been done to answer these questions? Has anyone in the homeschool world studied this in depth? Where would I begin to look?

 

We await the input of the Wise Hive Mind.... :bigear::bigear:

[Remudamom]

Hmmm, I don't know. How many non homeschooling families have you seen fall apart?

We've been married for 29 years, homeschooling for more than half of that. I did all of it when they were little and now that they're older dh is taking on the things that are harder for me (high school math).

 

I would guess that if your marriage is secure this won't bother it any more than any other decisions you normally make.

[Liza Q]

No research - just my thoughts.

 

Sometimes a wife bullies her husband into *letting* her homeschool and sometimes a husband *demands* that his wife homeschool - I have seen both and neither turn out well. Well, that is not really true - if one or the other honestly changes his mind things will get better. Bottom line - homeschooling (or any major lifestyle/child rearing decision) should be a result of a mature marital decision, not bullying.

[BMW]

I would encourage you both to consider that a wife and mom can't keep up with all the cooking and cleaning and planning and homeschool full time and pull it all off without help. You only have so much time each day. I would encourage you to list out what you need to do in all areas of your life and what each child needs to do and plan out the day. If you can do that from time to time and meet with dh and have him to consider what you have to do daily, then he can see that it is all about family team work. You need his support. It looks different in many families, but IMO, for you to do the best job for your children's future, dh must back you and be willing to be part of the home team... meaning, swap the laundry, get in the kitchen and help clean up, when you need back up training children in chores or schedules, he'll be involved. Hope you get some great tips!

[Brindee]

Hmmm, I don't know. How many non homeschooling families have you seen fall apart?

We've been married for 29 years, homeschooling for more than half of that. I did all of it when they were little and now that they're older dh is taking on the things that are harder for me (high school math).

 

I would guess that if your marriage is secure this won't bother it any more than any other decisions you normally make.

:iagree: We've been homeschooling for 10 years, and it's done NOTHING to our marriage. We both want to homeschool, and we both love each other very much. Not sure how homeschooling could cause a divorce, unless you didn't agree on those two things right off the bat, then let it fester????

 

I'd rest easy! Best wishes! :D

[TXMomof4]

My dh completely supports me hsing, but he also sees the toll it takes on me, especially when he's gone for such long times. He is protective of me and can see that I would have a break from the kids if I sent them to school. He gets frustrated that I don't see that as an option at all, but it isn't because our marriage is having problems. He is just a fixer and he's not emotionally involved in the desire to hs like I am. So, his easy fix is to send the kids off. That's the only problem we've had, a lack of equal committment on both sides. But it isn't something that I could see causing a divorce. :glare:

[mazakaal]

Honestly, I think it can be a great bonding experience, but it can also put stress on a marriage because it can be so all consuming for mom. I think that if you and your dh have a good relationship and good communication, then there's nothing to worry about. Just keep those communication lines open and make sure that dh doesn't let you burn yourself out. You have to make sure that you get some time on your own, away from the kids, even if it's just grocery shopping (although, preferably it would be Starbucks with your girlfriends, or date night with dh, or browsing B&N).

[Faithr]

I think homeschooling has bonded us all so much as a family. I am lucky though that my dh isn't a stickler about housekeeping. If he were the type to come home and get mad because the house is usually in chaos that might be a different story. Happily he is pretty oblivious to that sort of thing. I do have to make sure homeschooling isn't the only thing we talk about! One must have a life outside of it as well. But by and large, I think homeschooling has brought us so close. I love the homeschooling lifestyle. I feel so blessed by it. Happiness makes for a good marriage!

[bkpan]

as another poster said, that hs CAN be all-consuming for mom. Especially the more dc one has, hsing does add another layer of attention to the dc for mom. I know that I can get so busy with all that needs to be done (and obsessing over all that I am not doing), that dh can easily be put last again and again. Now, I am blessed with a VERY understanding dh who is also very hands-on with the dc. I'm thinking that some dhs might struggle more with what hsing takes from a mom's limited energy and focus.

 

Kim

[Brindee]

Honestly, I think it can be a great bonding experience, but it can also put stress on a marriage because it can be so all consuming for mom. I think that if you and your dh have a good relationship and good communication, then there's nothing to worry about. Just keep those communication lines open and make sure that dh doesn't let you burn yourself out. You have to make sure that you get some time on your own, away from the kids, even if it's just grocery shopping (although, preferably it would be Starbucks with your girlfriends, or date night with dh, or browsing B&N).

That's very true. You HAVE to have some time for yourself, even half an hour, to regroup and get a deep breath or two!

 

We did that with QRT (Quiet Reading Time). After lunch they'd play outside, and when they came in we'd have QRT for 30-45 minutes. Each child in their own room or space. No talking. No asking mom questions. During that time, MOM needs to do HER own thing---no school or work related thing! Only relaxing things: read, nap, paint your toenails;whatever is relaxing to you. That helps soooo much to have better, less stressful and less exhausting days!

 

The spousal support is important too. Your dh needs to be willing to allow you time away sometimes, or pitch in with some subject or something you may have a hard time with. AND, he needs to realize how busy you can keep with homeschooling. Some days the housework won't get done. If he picks on you for not cleaning up---that would be a problem.

 

Sit down and talk through these things and see what your expectations are. Keep the lines of communication open between you two! If you work together, your marriage and homeschooling will be fine!

[genie]

I agree with others who have said that a lot depends on both spouses attitudes about homeschooling. For us, the financial strain of having only one income has been hard, but since we both support homeschooling, it doesn't become a source of contention. Sounds like you guys are on a great path!

[Joanne]

We have seen several older homeschooling families we know fall apart (divorce), but we don't know the families or spouses well enough to know WHAT REALLY HAPPENED, and certainly not well enough to ask or to assume anything. Part of us wants to simply ask them, "Was it the homeschooling that did it, or was it something else?"

 

As a divorced (and now remarried), homeschooling mom............

 

Homeschooling, itself, does not have a negative or positive effect on a marriage. It *is* a place for present issues or dysfunction to show up. If a marriage has issues beyond "normal", those issues will emerge in several areas of the family life. As a homeschooling family, that can offer a lot of time/space for issues to present.

 

I *have* observed a concerning percentage of certain issues in the homeschooling community. But that does not mean homeschooling = problems.

[Sahamamama]

I would encourage you both to consider that a wife and mom can't keep up with all the cooking and cleaning and planning and homeschool full time and pull it all off without help. You only have so much time each day. I would encourage you to list out what you need to do in all areas of your life and what each child needs to do and plan out the day. If you can do that from time to time and meet with dh and have him to consider what you have to do daily, then he can see that it is all about family team work. You need his support. It looks different in many families, but IMO, for you to do the best job for your children's future, dh must back you and be willing to be part of the home team... meaning, swap the laundry, get in the kitchen and help clean up, when you need back up training children in chores or schedules, he'll be involved. Hope you get some great tips!

 

Thanks, BMW! This is what we want to know.

 

Even though (or maybe because?) our girls are all little, my sweet and wonderful husband really does do all those things on your list! Yes, he swaps out the laundry, brings up the potatoes, helps in the kitchen, changes messy diapers, helps get the girls dressed after bathtime, and on and on. Yesterday was Father's Day, but the girls (all 3) and I were SICK.... can you hear me moaning? Anyway, my sweet and wonderful husband told me to go sit down, and he would clean up all the dinner mess (we had my parents over for a cookout, what were we thinking?). And the kitchen was SPOTLESS, ladies and gentlemen. :D

[Kanga]

That's very true. You HAVE to have some time for yourself, even half an hour, to regroup and get a deep breath or two!

 

We did that with QRT (Quiet Reading Time). After lunch they'd play outside, and when they came in we'd have QRT for 30-45 minutes. Each child in their own room or space. No talking. No asking mom questions. During that time, MOM needs to do HER own thing---no school or work related thing! Only relaxing things: read, nap, paint your toenails;whatever is relaxing to you. That helps soooo much to have better, less stressful and less exhausting days!

 

The spousal support is important too. Your dh needs to be willing to allow you time away sometimes, or pitch in with some subject or something you may have a hard time with. AND, he needs to realize how busy you can keep with homeschooling. Some days the housework won't get done. If he picks on you for not cleaning up---that would be a problem.

 

Sit down and talk through these things and see what your expectations are. Keep the lines of communication open between you two! If you work together, your marriage and homeschooling will be fine!

 

 

Ditto! We call it mom's sanity time at our house. My dc have met my dh at the door and said, "mom really needs some sanity time this evening!" This translates to mean: Today we took the yarn mom was saving to make Granddad a sweater and made a 3 story spider web and instead of appreciating our engineering marvel she is speaking to us through clenched teeth.

 

I feel that hsing has allowed us more family time because my dc complete their school work before my dh comes home. We have been able to accompany dh on business trips. I also have a lot of flexibility with my dc's schedule since they don't have to be up early for school they can stay up late to see my dh on the nights when he works late and then have breakfast with him the next morning before he goes off to work.

 

We have been hsing for 13 years and have only known one couple that got divorced. Hsing might have been a factor since the husband insisted upon it, but they had many other troubles.

[lv2sing]

I think homeschooling has bonded us all so much as a family. I am lucky though that my dh isn't a stickler about housekeeping. If he were the type to come home and get mad because the house is usually in chaos that might be a different story. Happily he is pretty oblivious to that sort of thing. I do have to make sure homeschooling isn't the only thing we talk about! One must have a life outside of it as well. But by and large, I think homeschooling has brought us so close. I love the homeschooling lifestyle. I feel so blessed by it. Happiness makes for a good marriage!

 

I could have written this! Thanks.

[Sarita]

All the replies so far have been very helpful...just thought I'd chime in with a couple resources that might be useful to someone. I was just at a homeschool conference where one of the main speakers addressed this very thing. His name is Todd Wilson--very funny and very insightful!

 

He spoke to moms on Friday about the information in his book,

How to be a Great Wife...Even though you Homeschool. (http://www.familymanweb.com/store/homeschooling-but-still-married)

 

Then he spoke to dads on Saturday about the info in his

Help! I'm Married to a Homeschooling Mom. (http://www.familymanweb.com/store/help-im-married-to-a-homeschooling-mom)

 

Both those books basically address the needs of men and women and how the opposite spouse can begin to work to meet those needs. Even if you weren't homeschooing, the info is so encouraging and practical. And who doesn't need a reminder every now and then? Hope that's helpful!

 

Sarita

[elegantlion]

Homeschooling has been great for our marriage. However as others have pointed out it took a while for me to get the whole housework while schooling thing down.

 

Ocassionally the house looks like crap and dh will come home and ask what we did all day. About that time he gets "the look" and "I was educating your beloved only child". For me homeschooling is a full time job.

 

We been one income since ds was born so that wasn't as much of an adjustment. As ds gets older I am ordering different curricula that requires more planning and lead time. I've had to explain to dh a few times how important it is for me to order items now, instead of waiting until the last minute.

 

I think open discussion is important. Budgeting for homeschool material is important, as well as an understanding that you are working during the day.

 

The flexibility that homeschool offers has been a blessing many times.

[Jenny in Atl]

I agree with others who have said that a lot depends on both spouses attitudes about homeschooling. For us, the financial strain of having only one income has been hard, but since we both support homeschooling, it doesn't become a source of contention. Sounds like you guys are on a great path!

 

:iagree: The one income issue plus added expense for resources, can be a strain. But dh and I would not have changed a thing over these last six years. I just hope things hold out and we can keep going on one income for the next ten years! :confused:

[Julie in MN]

I agree with the general consensus -- it can go either way. Some things that help it go well:

 

* Have something to show or tell daddy (and parents-in-law) about the wonderful things that are learned. We use a notebook method, and it's a great review for the student to explain everything to someone.

 

* Guarantee that your husband gets some of your time each day. It's easy for moms to reason that they are so busy with babies or schooling or whatever, and their husband isn't helping, so there is no time left. Your husband doesn't have to earn your time, he just gets it. You may not get to plan everything to the umpteenth degree, or do every exciting thing you can think of. But the best gift you can try to give your kids is not a good education or mommy activities or a clean house; it's parents who stay together.

 

* Be open and honest about the housework challenges. Engage the kids and both parents into dividing tasks, setting minimum standards, and making sure everyone is in agreement.

 

* Try to find something you can do as a family. Bible study has been a real blessing for our family to do together, but lots of other things can be done with dad, as well.

[Julie in MN]

I Love this!

 

"I was educating your beloved only child".

 

 

I really agree with these 3 points!

Budgeting for homeschool material is important, as well as an understanding that you are working during the day.

 

The flexibility that homeschool offers has been a blessing many times.

[Kelli in TN]

You have to know the "personality" of your marriage and operate within those parameters.

 

For us that means that I take care of the homeschool business. I find a way to pay for most of it. I make it happen and I don't complain. When I have tried to "share" my frustrations it has usually led to Mr. Problem Solver saying "Well, let's put them in school". Not what I was looking for, thankyouverymuch. So I gripe about the small, frequent stuff here and only tell him the stuff that he really needs to know. I try to show or tell him good stuff frequently.

 

Other couples can have more dialog about homeschooling. You have to know what's right for your marriage.

 

No matter what, you have to take off your homeschool hat and put on your nurturer hat, then take off that hat and put on the hat you wore on your honeymoon. Be careful to be more than a homeschool mom. Did he marry a homeschool mom? Probably not, he married you. Don't forget to be you and don't forget why you fell in love with him.

[brehon]

Ditto! We call it mom's sanity time at our house. My dc have met my dh at the door and said, "mom really needs some sanity time this evening!" This translates to mean: Today we took the yarn mom was saving to make Granddad a sweater and made a 3 story spider web and instead of appreciating our engineering marvel she is speaking to us through clenched teeth.

 

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5: Were you at my house the other day?

 

Oh, geez! I haven't laughed this hard in a while. My partner just looked at me as if he's about to have me committed.

 

I haven't been homeschooling as long as others who've replied; but, I agree with all the posts. My husband and I share the chores (well, those that haven't been delegated to the kids). Most importantly, we have a mandatory, non-negotiable quiet time (aka Mama and/or Daddy need to recoup time). Each of the kids (we have 4) are in a separate room and must (let me emphasize that MUST) be quiet for 60-90 minutes (sometimes more if they're sleeping).

 

Sharing the jobs of homemaking and educating, hmmm...of living, makes our household run much more smoothly.

[gardenschooler]

I'd have to say I think it's been very good for us. We've been married almost 18 years and homeschooling for the past 12.

 

It is certainly less stressful on me than any other full-time job I might have, plus it gives me the opportunity to not only take care of things at home, but the extra time needed to teach the kids how to pitch in. I am very pleased that my kids are so competent in so many areas - and all of that came from practice. (I see a lot of families that don't seem to have time to make taking care of the house/pets/food a family activity, and it seems to me the moms do too much for their older kids, IMO.)

 

If I worked outside the home full-time, I'd need dh to do a lot more than he does (he does errands and outside things, cooks a good bit), but then again, some of the pressure to be the sole breadwinner would be off of him. I know I'd be much, much more stressed out, though. I'd have to work full-time and still be a 24-hour a day mom. I really don't think I'd stay home if I weren't homeschooling. I'm doing what I love, and it's a nice life for me.

 

The kids have always been able to see more of dh, too, since they didn't have to conform to school hours and schedules. He can stay for breakfast, drop in for lunch, the kids can stay up later if need be - all of that works out to not only the kids having more time with him, but us having more time together, as well. That's all a definite plus.

 

The main thing that has been sort of a 'bonding' thing with my dh about homeschooling is that he's recently started to take an interest - after 12 years! Well, maybe 'interest' is too strong of a word, but his eyes don't glaze over anymore. I've always tried to keep him afloat of what we're doing, but I really had to pull him in this year, because I needed to bounce some ideas off of him. He could now tell you the difference between TOG, SL, VP, CM & WTM. Wow! That's better than seeing a man do the dishes, in my book! At first, I thought he was just parroting me, but I've had him picking up my library books lately, and he's been coming back to me with comments, and enthusiasm. I never thought I'd see the day. Maybe he just wasn't interested in the little kid stuff, who knows?

 

We don't butt heads over issues to do with school, either. I was hesitant to send my oldest to public school, even though this particular child really needed to go. He did sort of take a stand on that issue, mainly trying to emphasize to me how stressful things were between dd#1 and myself, and that this would give me more time with the others, and without all of the turmoil and clashing that has always gone on with her. He would never have insisted if I'd said she'll go over my dead body, but he did have a very sound argument. I've seen from this year that he was 100% right - something I had trouble seeing because I was too wrapped up in the mindset of all homeschooling, all the time, no matter what.

 

So I'd have to say homeschooling has been very good for us. Even when dh didn't seem all that interested in the nitty-gritty details, it has given us more time together, and a relatively stress-free lifestyle.

 

[sassenach]

All the replies so far have been very helpful...just thought I'd chime in with a couple resources that might be useful to someone. I was just at a homeschool conference where one of the main speakers addressed this very thing. His name is Todd Wilson--very funny and very insightful!

 

 

 

I LOVE Todd Wilson!! He gives such solid advice and he's so funny. Very relatable for both the moms and the dads.

[angela in ohio]

I think it magnifies the existing relationship, good or bad. Personally, that's a good thing here. :)