Fellow introverts - what do you do to stay sane?

[Forget-Me-Not]

It is hard, but I think it is just as hard if you work or stay home. If you have kids, alone time just isn't part of the equation for a season. That is how I cope, is just remembering that it is a season that will pass and in a decade I will have more alone time that I probably want. Hugs.

 

Sometimes it's a desperate need here and I'm going to blow if I have to put up with anything else for ten minutes, let alone ten years. It's not unreasonable or selfish for a mother, especially a homeschooling mother, to need some time to recharge and refresh. A family is a team effort. Homeschooling is a team effort. She is working all the time for the good of that team/family, but she is also a member of that team/family and sometimes she needs them to do something for HER OWN good.

Edited February 24, 2012 by LemonPie

[MrsH]

I totally hear you, and it's SO draining! I think you've gotten some great advice already, but would add one main thing. I'd try to figure out what about giving you totally uninterrupted alone time, is so difficult for your DH. Personally, I can get so stuck in "I need him to understand," but then as soon as I shift my thinking and approach him with "could you help me to understand why it's not working out?" that we can usually find a mutually satisfactory solution. I'd start it with just one of the issues (whether it's taking the kids out once a week, or you have quiet time in the office, or you staying home while the kids and DH are home). Then take it from there.

 

In case it's helpful, a few concrete ways that I've gotten alone time (in different stages) have been: yoga or other exercise class, long walks, therapy plus an extra hour tacked on "for processing time," weekly time at a coffeeshop to prepare for homeschool week, and DH taking the kids to the monthly building days at Home Depot and Lowes.

 

I have not, however, successfully mastered the whole "I'm at home but not to be interrupted." Something to work on!

 

Lastly, twice a year I go away for a two-night retreat. I have only been on two: one was a weekend visiting a far-away friend and her newborn, where I took the morning to myself and a 2hour block every afternoon. The other was a weekend away with girlfriends to a quiet town, staying at a B&B. I prepped them in advance that I would need the mornings and parts of the afternoons to myself, and it was lovely. I'm starting to think about my April getaway now, and finances won't allow me to do something expensive. I hope to find a friend who goes away with her family so I could borrow their house! These times are SO life-giving!

 

I hope you and your DH can work something out that works for both of you!

[T'smom]

Well, I'm not sane at the moment......so I don't have any advice- but I do have :grouphug:!

 

My dh is the exact same way. He doesn't get it. He's never going to. He doesn't want to take the kids out by himself, he thinks we should be having 'family time' all. the. time.

[Geo]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree:

I usually get my alone time at night after everyone is in bed. Going out is not alone time for me...too much visual/auditory stimulation. Nope, all that works is being ALONE. No people, no unwanted noise. Staying up late is a double-edged sword, it works...and it doesn't work. For repairing my nervous system...it works. For homeschool productivity...not so much. I am constantly trying to find the balance, it just eludes me.

 

MamaSheep, Would your husband understand the scenario of needing to _________ (fill in his need) with comparing it to "If you love me, you wouldn't need to_________? Healthy boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships! It's taken WAY too many years for me to learn this one.

Edited February 24, 2012 by Geo

[Geo]

It is hard, but I think it is just as hard if you work or stay home. If you have kids, alone time just isn't part of the equation for a season. That is how I cope, is just remembering that it is a season that will pass and in a decade I will have more alone time that I probably want. Hugs.

 

See my siggy.

THAT season has lasted 37 years here! I refuse to wait anymore. :D

[Alicia64]

Here's what I do:

 

1) I download my favorite radio talk show -- which is really funny and informative -- onto my ipod and listen to it w/ ear phones while I'm cooking or cleaning the kitchen. This really revives me.

 

2) I often make dinner, eat w/ family and then disappear into the bedroom for an hour to read a book or goof around on the computer.

 

3) I need quiet time in the a.m. to wake up w/ my cup of coffee. The kids know this and leave me alone for at least thirty mins. Longer if I'm up earlier.

 

4) When the kids have play dates and run off to play -- I do relaxing things like read.

 

5) Obviously I get time off on the weekend.

 

Alley

[MamaSheep]

Sometimes it's a desperate need here and I'm going to blow if I have to put up with anything else for ten minutes, let alone ten years. It's not unreasonable or selfish for a mother, especially a homeschooling mother, to need some time to recharge and refresh. A family is a team effort. Homeschooling is a team effort. She is working all the time for the good of that team/family, but she is also a member of that team/family and sometimes she needs them to do something for HER OWN good.

 

Yes. This. I've put in 15 years of my decade so far (ds has been an INTENSE child from the beginning, including prenatally, and has settled into a laid-back introvert only recently--whew!). And I do tell myself that this is a season, and it too will pass, and there will be things about it that I will miss (like the chubby little fingers under the bathroom door) so I should learn to enjoy it while I can. And I do enjoy it. But I think I've been just hanging in there for so long that I am seriously overdrawn somewhere. If I don't fix it I am not going to last another ten years and still be able to do more than twitch and giggle hysterically.

[MamaSheep]

I totally hear you, and it's SO draining! I think you've gotten some great advice already, but would add one main thing. I'd try to figure out what about giving you totally uninterrupted alone time, is so difficult for your DH. Personally, I can get so stuck in "I need him to understand," but then as soon as I shift my thinking and approach him with "could you help me to understand why it's not working out?" that we can usually find a mutually satisfactory solution. I'd start it with just one of the issues (whether it's taking the kids out once a week, or you have quiet time in the office, or you staying home while the kids and DH are home). Then take it from there.

 

In case it's helpful, a few concrete ways that I've gotten alone time (in different stages) have been: yoga or other exercise class, long walks, therapy plus an extra hour tacked on "for processing time," weekly time at a coffeeshop to prepare for homeschool week, and DH taking the kids to the monthly building days at Home Depot and Lowes.

 

I have not, however, successfully mastered the whole "I'm at home but not to be interrupted." Something to work on!

 

Lastly, twice a year I go away for a two-night retreat. I have only been on two: one was a weekend visiting a far-away friend and her newborn, where I took the morning to myself and a 2hour block every afternoon. The other was a weekend away with girlfriends to a quiet town, staying at a B&B. I prepped them in advance that I would need the mornings and parts of the afternoons to myself, and it was lovely. I'm starting to think about my April getaway now, and finances won't allow me to do something expensive. I hope to find a friend who goes away with her family so I could borrow their house! These times are SO life-giving!

 

I hope you and your DH can work something out that works for both of you!

 

Oh my gracious, I must be seriously introverted because an exercise class would SO not qualify as alone time for me. A retreat would be fabulous, but we really can't afford that right now. Ds is in braces and needs oral surgery and glasses, we're still paying off dh's trip to visit his mom last fall before she passed away (seven weeks straight with no husband; I would so not make a good single mom), and now his dad's having some pretty serious health issues. We're still paying off some emergency room stuff from last year...no, it just really is not in the cards. I can't even afford the gas it would take to go hide out in my parents' basement (I did that a couple of years ago for a week and it was AWESOME). I do have a friend who is going away for four days here in a month or two, but they have a cat, which means between my allergies and asthma I would not actually be able to breathe if I stayed there. I like to breathe. But it's a great idea.

 

But you're right, I don't really need him to understand, I just need him to help me figure out a way to make it work. That is some extremely good advice.

[MamaSheep]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree:

I usually get my alone time at night after everyone is in bed. Going out is not alone time for me...too much visual/auditory stimulation. Nope, all that works is being ALONE. No people, no unwanted noise. Staying up late is a double-edged sword, it works...and it doesn't work. For repairing my nervous system...it works. For homeschool productivity...not so much. I am constantly trying to find the balance, it just eludes me.

 

MamaSheep, Would your husband understand the scenario of needing to _________ (fill in his need) with comparing it to "If you love me, you wouldn't need to_________? Healthy boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships! It's taken WAY too many years for me to learn this one.

 

For me, staying up late is VERY reviving--until the alarm goes off in the morning. I've been doing it too much lately and the sleep deprivation is making me even more sensitive to the social input. For now and then it's wonderful, but I think I need a longer-term solution right now.

 

On the boundaries...yeah, dh is a dear man but he was not raised around really healthy relationships. I didn't realize how many relationship issues he had when I married him because his family is very good at putting up a front and since we didn't live close to them at the time I didn't get to know them well before the wedding. Over the years, of course, I've gotten to know them better, and I've learned to love them too, and really I think they did amazingly well considering the issues THEY were raised with, but that's a whole other story...

 

Anyway he does have a bit of baggage when it comes to relationships and was never really taught how a healthy family functions. I don't think I want to discuss it much here because he's a pretty private person, and I may have said too much already, and I wouldn't hurt him for the world, but he really is trying hard and consistently doing better all the time. One thing I really respect about him is his determination to figure out how to live well, and then do it. But yes, there are still things we're in the process of working out. I think part of my hesitation to just sit down and talk with him about it is that he's struggling with some things himself right now and he really doesn't need to have anyone suggest that he's not a good enough husband (which is how he would take it, even if that's not what I meant). His mom just died in September, and his dad may be on the verge of that himself, and dealing with his parents' mortality has him really looking some stuff from his childhood in the face--really for the first time. But I do think we need to talk about this because he really doesn't need me falling apart on him either. Today isn't the day because his work computer has a virus or something and he's spent all day fighting with it (and telling me about it) instead of getting work done and is incredibly frustrated. We're going out for dinner, just the two of us, which is something that HE finds restorative, and I think he gets dibs today. But I'll find a good time in the near future and see what we can work out.

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug::grouphug: I hope you can find a solution Amy. Make it a matter of prayer too. The Lord knows what you need.

[fischerl]

Amy,

 

I could have written your original post! You described me so well. Although my kids are older now and don't "need" me as much as when they were younger, I still long for an hour or two alone in my own home--or better yet, a whole day--just to think my own thoughts and follow them to a natural conclusion. :D I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've had that in the last 20 years.

 

So...I empathize with you. DH and I went round and round about my need for solitude when my eldest was around 3, and finally one night he said, "Well, I just don't understand it, but I believe you. If you say you need it, then take it." I really appreciated him for that, because he has this need to analyze and understand issues completely. So that was a big step for him. :001_smile: All we could manage was one Saturday off each month, and I had to go out (he didn't feel comfortable with the responsibility of entertaining the kids all day out of the house; at least at home they had their toys, etc.). But he put it on his calendar faithfully and for the past 20 years I've had my Saturday off each month. Of course (I know you understand this), I do not get together with friends, because that's not solitude. I take myself to the library or an arboretum for a while, then get lunch out (I take a book or magazine along). When I can spend the money, I may even go to a movie. I've never minded doing those things alone. I often joke to people that I am my own favorite company. :lol:

 

I will say that I don't feel the need to leave the house as much these days, because my kids are older and have active lives of their own. DD21 has moved out, DS18 has a part-time job in addition to his schoolwork, and DD14 is very independent with her schoolwork. It does get easier as they get older.

 

I haven't read through all the posts, so forgive me if this has been addressed, but can you hire a teen to stay with the kids for a couple of hours once a week, or better yet, take them to a nearby park so you can be home alone? Also, you articulated your needs so beautifully in your OP; could you just let your husband read it? Maybe edit it a bit for his eyes, if you want. Another idea (probably already mentioned) is to find a couple of good articles on introverts and their needs and print them out for him to read. It's really hard for non-introverts to understand us--we just don't make sense to them. :001_unsure: And there are a lot more of "them"--in this country anyway--than of us.

 

Hang in there, dear sister. Breathe in those rare moments of solitude when they come and pray that they will be enough for now. It does get easier...

[WTMCassandra]

Okay, I've read through this whole thread. I think it would be wise to attack this in a way that will:

 

1) Help DH understand to the best of his ability

2) Ensure HE gets HIS needs met

3) Ensure everyone gets their needs met

 

I think that right now you and DH are circling the drain, each trying to get what you desperately need from the other, but since those are opposite things you are feeding each other's frustration.

 

So I think any plan you lay out needs to include how his needs will get met, and possibly even address that FIRST.

 

I would start out asking him how he feels when he has been alone in his office for several hours, or tries to go to bed alone, or etc. He will probably tell you something like drained and sad. Sympathize, and tell him you're so sorry he feels that way, and you want to help fix it.

 

Tell him you want to spend x number of evenings per week making sure he has couple time with you and you feed his need for togetherness. Schedule them, say every Monday and Thursday.

 

THEN, ask him if you can tell him how you feel. Tell him that that icky way he feels when he's been alone, that's the way you feel when you've been with people, any people, even your favorite people, for too long without alone time. That your need is as true as his and perversely opposite. Tell him that you can give him better quality couple time if you can have alone time to balance it.

 

Just as he is drained by being alone and recharges with other people, you are drained by being with people and recharge with being alone. It isn't a case of who likes people better, but how one is recharged.

 

So, then, hopefully you will be set up to negotiate your hard-and-fast time alone, x number of nights per week. Here's where you have to get creative: Try to see if you can get him to take the children out to something social, even, like joining a bowling league with them. Or THEY can go to the library and you can stay home alone. Or, you can lock yourself in your bedroom with earplugs. And NO. ONE. may disturb you.

 

And you should also schedule x number of nights per week with family activities. My hope is that everyone will know that their need WILL be met in the course of a week, so that everyone feels less desperate.

 

Also, I try to have an individual retreat once a quarter where I go to our mobile home or a hotel room with a stack of books and half a partly spiritual, partly homeschool research/planning retreat. This is essential for my well-being. I also like the idea of reserving a library quiet room for a day.

 

And once in a blue moon I opt out of something JUST so I can be AT HOME, and ALONE. That is the best of all.

[ThelmaLou]

I'm wired exactly the same way. Having all boys, I was excited when hubby decided to get involved in Scouts. Now, all 4 older boys go to Scout meetings with Dad on Monday evenings. I stay home with ds 5, and that's when, no holds barred, I pop dvds in the player and let him watch to his heart's content. I'm never far away, but he gets his screen time (which is not daily) and I get my alone time, even if just for an evening. Also, once a month our troop goes on a weekend campout. Ideally, hubby and oldest 4 boys are gone for the whole weekend, which is absolutely divine when it works out. Unfortunately, 3 of the 5 of them have to stay home this weekend for one thing or another, and my hopes of a weekend alone (except for 5 year old son) were dashed. My husband is so relieved that he's going to stay home this weekend. I don't have the heart to tell him that I wish they'd all go away. It'll be at least another month before I get the opportunity again!

 

I love them all dearly, but for me, alone time is such a valuable commodity. I think you've gotten some great advice, and I don't have any more for you that's new or different. Just commisseration.:tongue_smilie:

[Shellydon]

Sometimes it's a desperate need here and I'm going to blow if I have to put up with anything else for ten minutes, let alone ten years. It's not unreasonable or selfish for a mother, especially a homeschooling mother, to need some time to recharge and refresh. A family is a team effort. Homeschooling is a team effort. She is working all the time for the good of that team/family, but she is also a member of that team/family and sometimes she needs them to do something for HER OWN good.

 

 

??? You come across as griping at me? Why? I stated how I deal with it. I am an only child that has 4 children. I am also an introvert. Since I don't think it is reasonable to expect children to leave me alone if I am in the house, I deal by realizing it is a season.

[Bootsie]

I am also an introvert and need time alone at home. When my kids were very small, one had health issues and my husband had major back surgery; for months I did not have one minute in which I was in my home alone. It drove me crazy! Friends would say, "Get a babysitter and go to lunch..." etc. But, that was not the same. I wanted to be home alone.

 

Three things that I found that helped somewhat:

 

1. A long shower--I seemed at least somewhat alone.

2. A drive in the car--at least no one else was with me.

3. Going grocery shopping when I didn't have to rush and when the store was relatively quiet.

 

Also, I tend to be a night owl, so I would enjoy any time at night after everyone else was asleep (but others in my house are night owls also).

[Geo]

nm

[Geo]

For me, staying up late is VERY reviving--until the alarm goes off in the morning. I've been doing it too much lately and the sleep deprivation is making me even more sensitive to the social input. For now and then it's wonderful, but I think I need a longer-term solution right now.

 

On the boundaries...yeah, dh is a dear man but he was not raised around really healthy relationships. I didn't realize how many relationship issues he had when I married him because his family is very good at putting up a front and since we didn't live close to them at the time I didn't get to know them well before the wedding. Over the years, of course, I've gotten to know them better, and I've learned to love them too, and really I think they did amazingly well considering the issues THEY were raised with, but that's a whole other story...

 

Anyway he does have a bit of baggage when it comes to relationships and was never really taught how a healthy family functions. I don't think I want to discuss it much here because he's a pretty private person, and I may have said too much already, and I wouldn't hurt him for the world, but he really is trying hard and consistently doing better all the time. One thing I really respect about him is his determination to figure out how to live well, and then do it. But yes, there are still things we're in the process of working out. I think part of my hesitation to just sit down and talk with him about it is that he's struggling with some things himself right now and he really doesn't need to have anyone suggest that he's not a good enough husband (which is how he would take it, even if that's not what I meant). His mom just died in September, and his dad may be on the verge of that himself, and dealing with his parents' mortality has him really looking some stuff from his childhood in the face--really for the first time. But I do think we need to talk about this because he really doesn't need me falling apart on him either. Today isn't the day because his work computer has a virus or something and he's spent all day fighting with it (and telling me about it) instead of getting work done and is incredibly frustrated. We're going out for dinner, just the two of us, which is something that HE finds restorative, and I think he gets dibs today. But I'll find a good time in the near future and see what we can work out.

 

 

He sounds like a good man. You're a good woman. It's a piece of cake. ;)

 

You can do this. :thumbup:

[MistyMountain]

I feel exactly the same. I need alone time. I don't like to go out to have it because there are people around and that not what I want. I just need quiet but they don't leave me alone. My kids are small but ack. I thought it would be better when they get older. I like homeschooling so far but I feel an especially intense need for homeschooling since starting. I get some during the day but even during the rare moments when I have time to myself to think I feel like I am on anyway. My dh gets home at 8 and by then I am done and want to hole up and hide away fro everyone but it does not happen. I end up taying up too late and regretting it every morning. If dh was ok with it I even have more kid (he isn't) but then I wonder if that would make the need for alone time to process even harder to come by.

[Grover]

I have finally got my DH to understand that I NEED time alone. He takes both kids away for 2-3 hours one day every weekend, or occasionally I go out without them instead. If I don't get that little bit of "me" space I end up a stressed out mess, so it's very necessary for us all. I find that so long as I know that time will happen on the weekend I can cope the rest of the week.

[MamaSheep]

I feel exactly the same. I need alone time. I don't like to go out to have it because there are people around and that not what I want. I just need quiet but they don't leave me alone. My kids are small but ack. I thought it would be better when they get older. I like homeschooling so far but I feel an especially intense need for homeschooling since starting. I get some during the day but even during the rare moments when I have time to myself to think I feel like I am on anyway. My dh gets home at 8 and by then I am done and want to hole up and hide away fro everyone but it does not happen. I end up taying up too late and regretting it every morning. If dh was ok with it I even have more kid (he isn't) but then I wonder if that would make the need for alone time to process even harder to come by.

 

 

Lol...I would totally have more kids too if I could. In fact, yesterday I saw my doctor about an adjustment to blood pressure meds (which hopefully will also help me feel better) and I made him give me something safe for pregnant women "just in case". It was kind of funny, actually, he said, "do you think you might get pregnant again?" I said, "I didn't think I'd get pregnant the first three times." He said, "Right. We'll give you [insert med name] because that's not going to cause problems if you do get pregnant. And here's hoping!" (He's been my doctor for a while now, delivered my daughter, signed the foster/adopt paperwork (that didn't work out--they don't seem to like families with disabled children :confused:), and took care of me during my last pregnancy and miscarriage. He knows I want more.)

 

And for what it's worth, I think it usually does get better when the kids get older. We have kind of unusual circumstances here. Ds is 14, but with the autism he might be functionally anywhere from about 9 to 25 at any given point in time. And every now and then he still has a full-out three year-old meltdown. Dd is very energetic, and sometimes ds has a hard time coping with her exuberance. Especially when her ADHD meds start wearing off and she starts bopping around like a pinball machine and talking so fast she sounds like one of those sped-up small-print readers on radio commercials. It's way overstimulating for ds. But on a good day I can actually go off and leave them home alone. Ds is very emotionally stable these days, pretty laid back in general, and very strict about following the rules. Dd is very cooperative when he's "in charge". Mostly they go to different parts of the house and do their own thing, but sometimes we'll come home and they'll be playing a video game together. We can't go anywhere without cell phone reception, or where we'd have to turn off the phones, but they do really well if they know they can call us if they need us, and there are several nearby neighbors they could go to if they needed more immediate assistance. Dh and I are in bliss over this, because when the kids were little we could never get a sitter. We tried a couple of times and it was NOT pretty. Ds was just too...um...unusual, and people couldn't figure out how to handle the boy. When my youngest brother and his wife were fresh little newlyweds they volunteered to watch our kids while we went to a B&B overnight to celebrate our 10th anniversary. They looked so starry-eyed and dreamy (Oh darling someday we will have children of our very own, let's practice on our niece and nephew!) We went home fairly early in the morning even though they said we should take our time, and they looked so tired, and frazzled, and defeated. My poor little SIL said, "I don't know if I can do this parenting thing after all." She looked like she might cry. I gave her a hug and told her to please not judge parenting by my kids. If they could survive a night with my kids without calling us they were going to be WONDERFUL parents. Everyone had eaten, nobody was bleeding, and the rest of it didn't matter. (The house looked like a tornado had hit, and everyone was in PJs or zipping around in their undies, screaming.) They now have two adorable little guys of their own (less than a year apart! Sounds EXHAUSTING to me!) and they're doing just fine. Anyway, the point being it DOES get better when they get older. We went out for dinner last night, just we two. We used to have to have "dates" by picking up Chinese take-out and watching a DVD after the kids were in bed. So this IS "better" for us. Just don't judge what "better" for you will look like by our family. We're....um...."different".....lol.

Edited February 25, 2012 by MamaSheep

[MamaSheep]

So last night we went and tried a new Mongolian BBQ place. Dh LOVES Mongolian BBQ. It wasn't the greatest food, there were too many people for my taste, and the tables were way too close together. I smiled and nodded and said, "Oh?" and "Then what?" and "That sounds so frustrating!" for an hour and a half or so, and then we came home and played Star Trek for a while. He was so much more cheery after all that, that I mentioned to him that I'm really feeling like I'm drowning lately and it would help if I found some time for X, Y, and Z, without interruptions (it makes more sense to him that I want to do a particular thing without being interrupted than that I just want to not have people around and it doesn't matter WHAT I'm doing...lol). He told me we could probably work something out, but that I don't really find X and Y rejuvenating. That annoyed me a little, I have to say. I told him I DO find them rejuvenating, but only if I'm not being constantly interrupted. If people are constantly tugging at my brain while it's trying to do those things it just makes me tired and frustrated. The reason he thinks they're not refreshing for me is that he so rarely sees me do them for more than two minutes straight without somebody interrupting. He still doesn't believe me, but he says if he's not completely dead after a class he's teaching this morning (for the city arts council's adult ed program) he'll take the kids to a movie this afternoon. What a nice man!

[Mommy22alyns]

I escape the chaos around me by mentally going into the computer for a few minutes every hour, where I can be alone, if only in my mind. This includes visiting the virtual world of WTM ;)

 

 

Me too. Also, on days when DH works in the mornings, he can take the girls out to an indoor playground in the evening after activities so I have a few hours to myself.

[Amy in TX]

I mentioned to him that I'm really feeling like I'm drowning lately and it would help if I found some time for X, Y, and Z, without interruptions (it makes more sense to him that I want to do a particular thing without being interrupted than that I just want to not have people around and it doesn't matter WHAT I'm doing...lol).

 

You put it in terms that make sense to him. That was really smart--I must remember this for my own use. ;)

[Forget-Me-Not]

Glad you guys were able to talk and work something out Amy. Now hold him to his promise!

[Forget-Me-Not]

??? You come across as griping at me? Why? I stated how I deal with it. I am an only child that has 4 children. I am also an introvert. Since I don't think it is reasonable to expect children to leave me alone if I am in the house, I deal by realizing it is a season.

 

Not griping at you. Just stating a fact for me--that telling myself that this is a season and I'll have alone time in a decade simply doesn't cut it. Maybe it does for some women. I am not one of them. Sometimes I need it now, and all the "this too shall pass" in the world isn't going to help. :001_smile:

[MamaSheep]

Glad you guys were able to talk and work something out Amy. Now hold him to his promise!

 

He doesn't feel like going, and the kids "don't wanna". I may go banshee fishwife on them all. I did have a little bit of a meltdown when dh mentioned casually that they weren't going after all. I may have gotten a little sarcastic in the form of "Oh that's fine with me. I don't really need alone time anyway. Kind of like I don't really need to eat, and I don't really need to breathe. No big deal."

 

He went and played a video game and left me to referee the kids.

 

This is not good.

 

I'm making menus for next week and then I'm going grocery shopping. I wonder if I'll "feel like" coming home before midnight. Or making dinner.

 

Obviously we need to have another talk. And this time I get dibs no matter how bad his day was.

 

:rant:

 

Not griping at you. Just stating a fact for me--that telling myself that this is a season and I'll have alone time in a decade simply doesn't cut it. Maybe it does for some women. I am not one of them. Sometimes I need it now, and all the "this too shall pass" in the world isn't going to help. :001_smile:

 

 

I am with you. It's like saying hunger is a phase of life and in a decade you can have a piece of toast.

[trailofsparks]

Lol, I knew this thread would become a long one - that there would be a lot of us who could relate to you, op! so, I haven't read all the posts....

 

I think your family needs to see you after you've had some regular, consistent "recharge" time! Maybe you could describe to your family your needs for this and why (difference between introverts and extroverts) and have your dh back you up. Run an experiment for one week to let them see how wonderful it can be when mom is recharged and ready to go!

 

Best of luck to you. I really understand.

[melissel]

Oh Amy :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I know exactly how you feel. Honestly, I think you're being a little too easy on your husband. He's an adult, and a partner, and when a partner tells you she's drowning, you don't say you'll maybe throw her a life vest if you can work it out. IMO, now is the time to say, "Here's what I need, and here's how we're going to make it so I can have it." And yes, the full-on meltdown may be necessary, because in the past, it has been the only way my DH understood that I was seriously losing control and needed him to take some responsibility for the children. (Actually, another may be coming soon, but that's a whole other post :glare:).

 

I agree with the others that you also need to be firmer with the kids. Be a harda$$ a few times and they'll start to understand. Draw your boundaries and hold them. Because honestly, this is a mental health issue, and there's only one way to fix it. There should be no reason that the three people who love you most in your life shouldn't be on board with helping you stay sane.

 

Be strong, mama! Make time for yourself and take it!

[WTMCassandra]

He doesn't feel like going, and the kids "don't wanna". I may go banshee fishwife on them all. I did have a little bit of a meltdown when dh mentioned casually that they weren't going after all. I may have gotten a little sarcastic in the form of "Oh that's fine with me. I don't really need alone time anyway. Kind of like I don't really need to eat, and I don't really need to breathe. No big deal."

 

He went and played a video game and left me to referee the kids.

 

This is not good.

 

I'm making menus for next week and then I'm going grocery shopping. I wonder if I'll "feel like" coming home before midnight. Or making dinner.

 

Obviously we need to have another talk. And this time I get dibs no matter how bad his day was.

 

:rant:

 

 

 

 

I am with you. It's like saying hunger is a phase of life and in a decade you can have a piece of toast.

 

Oh, wow, ouch. Definitely time for a heart-to-heart. It's sad that you reached out to meet his needs last night, got a promise to help meet yours, and then he reneged. Not cool. And then to leave you with the children?

 

Um, no.

 

If I were you I would go out and stay out, all evening. Even if it means you have to lock yourself in the public library's bathroom to be alone.

 

You know, if I'm desperate enough, I've been known to drive my car to the library parking lot and use my car as my alone center. I didn't even go *in* the library because I didn't want to see anyone. It was just me and my book in the car. It helped if I had stopped before that to pick up a fruity (non-alcoholic) drink to go with my book.

[Alte Veste Academy]

He doesn't feel like going, and the kids "don't wanna". I may go banshee fishwife on them all. I did have a little bit of a meltdown when dh mentioned casually that they weren't going after all. I may have gotten a little sarcastic in the form of "Oh that's fine with me. I don't really need alone time anyway. Kind of like I don't really need to eat, and I don't really need to breathe. No big deal."

 

He went and played a video game and left me to referee the kids.

 

This is not good.

 

I'm making menus for next week and then I'm going grocery shopping. I wonder if I'll "feel like" coming home before midnight. Or making dinner.

 

Obviously we need to have another talk. And this time I get dibs no matter how bad his day was.

 

:rant:

 

 

 

 

I am with you. It's like saying hunger is a phase of life and in a decade you can have a piece of toast.

 

If he can casually mention that he's not going after all, I think you should just as casually mention that you are going to go out to get some alone time since he won't let you have it at home. I would tell him to feel free to order a pizza for the kids and himself. I would go and I would stay out until after the kids' bedtime. He's not hearing you. Maybe he'll hear the silence of your absence a little more clearly. :grouphug:

[MamaSheep]

Just to be clear, he didn't make or break any promises, he only said he'd try. I can tell, though, by the emotional and physical reaction I had when he said he wasn't going to do it that my Solitude Deprivation Syndrome (I made that up) is at a more advanced stage than I originally thought. It literally felt like someone had popped a bag over my head or set a big rock on my chest, and I couldn't breathe. And, I've developed a headache from trying not to cry. Also, he didn't actually leave the house, just went in the office and drifted off to game land, in which he is completely oblivious to what is going on around him (lucky man).

 

Just so you know, though, I am now writing from my laptop in a study cubby at the library. (They have a long counter with little partitions.) I finished cleaning the bathrooms and loading the dishwasher, and then told dh I was going out, didn't know where I'd be, was taking my cell phone but please don't call unless it's an emergency, would get enough groceries to last the weekend, but wasn't taking time to do a "real" trip because I can't think clearly enough to formulate anything resembling menus, and would be home before midnight. I told him he needed to feed the kids and remind them to bathe, and please put the jeans in the dryer after the towels finish drying. Goodbye! He did at least notice I was looking desperate and on the verge of tears and asked what was wrong and what he could do to help (I'm telling you, he's not mean, just mostly oblivious). I told him right now he could help by watching the kids and we'd talk more later because I had to get out. He said no problem and he hoped I'd feel better.

 

I got a cream slush at Sonic and drove around a bit, and cried for a bit, and then washed up here. I am now attempting to work on some pre-writing stuff for a possible never-to-really-be-published frivolous bit of novel writing, but I'm feeling blocked so I thought I'd try out the free internet and see what you all were up to. :)

 

And I'm feeling a little better already. But I need to work out a more permanent solution than losing my marbles and fleeing the scene....lol.

Edited February 26, 2012 by MamaSheep

[WTMCassandra]

If he can casually mention that he's not going after all, I think you should just as casually mention that you are going to go out to get some alone time since he won't let you have it at home. I would tell him to feel free to order a pizza for the kids and himself. I would go and I would stay out until after the kids' bedtime. He's not hearing you. Maybe he'll hear the silence of your absence a little more clearly. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[MamaSheep]

If he can casually mention that he's not going after all, I think you should just as casually mention that you are going to go out to get some alone time since he won't let you have it at home. I would tell him to feel free to order a pizza for the kids and himself. I would go and I would stay out until after the kids' bedtime. He's not hearing you. Maybe he'll hear the silence of your absence a little more clearly. :grouphug:

 

Lol...you posted while I was typing. That's more or less what I did, except I wasn't so helpful as to suggest pizza, I just told him to feed them and left (and did I mention we're low on groceries?...heh...). And I told him not to expect me home until midnight. Not sure where I'll go after the library closes at six, but it won't be home.

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

A couple I know who have been happily married for almost 50 years have survived partly because the introvert naps every day, he's napped daily for at least the last 40 years, and possibly longer. This gives him alone time at night and/or morning without loss of sleep.

 

I have been known to wear hearing protection and curl up with a book! I also will go up into the school room and close the door with a book. My children usually play upstairs in their rooms enough to give me a break, but if they didn't, I would institute quiet time.

 

Fishing is also good, I tell everyone that I love fishing. :lol::lol::lol: (The rest of the family walks down to the lake in our neighborhood and fishes and I get the house alone and quiet.)

 

I used to like to listed to music in the car, now my need for quiet outweighs my love of music. It is only if I drive somewhere by myself for more than 20 or 25 minutes that I get enough quiet to want music.

Edited February 26, 2012 by ElizabethB

[WTMCassandra]

Lol...you posted while I was typing. That's more or less what I did, except I wasn't so helpful as to suggest pizza, I just told him to feed them and left (and did I mention we're low on groceries?...heh...). And I told him not to expect me home until midnight. Not sure where I'll go after the library closes at six, but it won't be home.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Try to enjoy your evening out.

[shinyhappypeople]

nm

Edited February 26, 2012 by shinyhappypeople

[WTMCassandra]

Well, I suppose that's good he didn't break an actual promise, but . . .

 

I hope you can feel better enough to enjoy your evening out. Maybe you can brainstorm a list of emergency alone bolt-hole ideas while you are out tonight so you will have some options already mapped out if you find yourself fleeing the scene again.

 

Honestly, I think it would not have been a bad thing to allow yourself to burst into tears when he announced that he wouldn't go. Perhaps you having a stiff upper lip has been enabling his obliviousness. I'm not saying to cry on purpose to manipulate, but on the other hand, I don't think hiding your pain is doing you any favors. JMHO.

[melissel]

Well, I suppose that's good he didn't break an actual promise, but . . .

 

I hope you can feel better enough to enjoy your evening out. Maybe you can brainstorm a list of emergency alone bolt-hole ideas while you are out tonight so you will have some options already mapped out if you find yourself fleeing the scene again.

 

Honestly, I think it would not have been a bad thing to allow yourself to burst into tears when he announced that he wouldn't go. Perhaps you having a stiff upper lip has been enabling his obliviousness. I'm not saying to cry on purpose to manipulate, but on the other hand, I don't think hiding your pain is doing you any favors. JMHO.

 

I completely agree. I have often thought (about lots of things, not just about your situation) that men are oblivious because we allow them to be. Don't allow him to be oblivious to your needs anymore. Banshee fishwife isn't great, but then what's happening now is not sustainable either. He needs to be more accountable about this. Really. He's your partner, just like you're his.

 

What you did tonight was great, though :D Keep up the good work, and stay out as late as you can, even if it means you sit in your car like others have suggested (and like I did at a Wendy's just last week :lol:). It's your time now. Hang onto it. It may not be exactly what you need, but it's a big step in the right direction!

[CatholicMom]

I didn't read this entire thread, but I am similar to you and NEED alone time, or I feel like I'm going to literally lose my mind.

 

My advice is:

 

1) Go a little easier on your dh. Hear me out! I know that's not the issue, but you don't want to hurt him in the process of getting what you need. He loves you, and remember that he NEEDS together social time as much as you NEED alone time.

 

2) Schedule frequent TOGETHER time with your husband & kids... but especially dh. This way you will know you are pro-actively meeting his needs, and maybe he will feel a little more satisfied in his need to be with you, which might help him leave you ALONE periodically. If he's starving for attention, it's going to be harder for him to give you a break. So my advice is to double-up on making sure HIS social needs are met (by YOU, AND him hanging out with friends) in order to make sure it's easier for him to give you what YOU need.

 

3) Schedule alone time for youself by:

 

a) Asking dh to take the kids OUT to a movie or something and leave you home alone. (Remember that this will be more successful if you also schedule together-time, per Suggestion #2, ;)) If that doesn't fly, then...

 

b) Schedule a day/time to drive AWAY, park your car and relax. Read a book, sit in the quiet, pray, sleep, knit, whatever you want. I realize you may have some hobbies that may not be so easily done in the car, but it's a start, right?

 

c) Go for a walk alone.

 

d) Hang out at the library where it's quiet. There are usually some long-lost tables or chairs that are pretty secluded if you look for em.

 

e) Claim you have diarrhea and sit in the bathroom for a half-hour reading a book with earplugs in. :tongue_smilie: J/k

 

 

For quick breaks, I say don't bother going to the office to use the computer. I'm guessing it would be more productive to choose a less-desirable method for quick breaks, than it is to choose your ideal method for a quick-break but that your family is more likely to interfere with.

 

Weather permitting, go out and sit on the steps, porch, or deck. I've done this sometimes and am continually amazed at how quiet it is when I just go outside and shut the door. :001_huh: Or put a folding chair and a good book in the garage and go out and take your cup of coffee and sit there for a few minutes when need be. :tongue_smilie: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

 

Remember that in your situation, you are probably going to have to change some things. Maybe lots of things. Maybe you can't use the computer for your breaks. But you need SOME alone time, stat. So if nobody is cooperating, do what you CAN, even if it's not nearly ideal.

 

Hope you can work it out. :grouphug:

[melissel]

e) Claim you have diarrhea and sit in the bathroom for a half-hour reading a book with earplugs in. :tongue_smilie: J/k

 

This is my DH's SOP when he gets home from work, so clearly it's a valid tactic! (And I'm so not kidding :glare:)

[Amy in TX]

And I told him not to expect me home until midnight. Not sure where I'll go after the library closes at six, but it won't be home.

 

Do you have a Barnes & Noble? They're open until 11 on Saturday nights around here.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Do you have a Barnes & Noble? They're open until 11 on Saturday nights around here.

 

Yeah, that's what I would do. And then maybe back to Sonic for another slushie. :lol:

[EJCMom]

The only way I'm able to get alone time is to get up in the morning before everyone else. I'm not naturally a morning person, but I do it because I need that silent alone time. :grouphug:

[Forget-Me-Not]

How are you today Amy? Feeling any better? :grouphug:

[threeturn]

I hear you. I am up late now to get my time.

 

My DH is an introvert. In fact, his introversion is costing us an extra $220 this month, because he didn't want to stay in the free barracks for a class, but wanted temporary housing instead. I understand and think it is worth it -- small price to pay. Of course he will be gone for fourteen days straight and then come back and work for five more. He is pressuring me to drive 100 miles with him and the kids to visit his family the following weekend. I am pushing to stay home alone. Did I mention he is deploying later this year, along with any chance I have of regular, free break? Somehow between now and then I have to make him see how important this is to me.

 

So I am right there with you. You have a laptop? Can you set it up somewhere else in the house and make a little computer station? Mine is on the kitchen counter. That way it would be easy to pop over every now and again and get online without having to go into the office. Also, if DH ever has a day where he is going to be gone an extended period I would declare a snow day and let Ds play all the video games he wants. I know it would not be regular or scheduled, but it might help.

 

:grouphug:

Pam

[MamaSheep]

How are you today Amy? Feeling any better? :grouphug:

 

I am feeling better, yes. Thanks for asking. :) After the library I went and wandered around the fabric shop for a bit. For some reason the colors and textures of fabric have always been my friends--one of the reasons I quilt is so I can play with bits of fabric. I didn't buy anything but got some project ideas, so that was fun. Then I tried to go to Borders, but when I got there I was met with security lighting that showed empty shelves and a lonely vacuum cleaner. I guess it's been too long since I went there. So I went to Barnes and Noble, which was fortunately still alive and kicking. I bought a new book, and then I took it with me to Chilis and read it while I ate some nummy fajitas--without having to tell ANYBODY to please not hold his fork like a shovel, or that she'd been sitting at the table talking for twenty minutes and not eating, and yes she HAS to eat her green beans. Then I swung by the all-night grocery and got home at around 11:30. The one drawback to the whole thing was that the headache kept getting worse and worse, and taking some Tylenol didn't really even dent it. It was even worse in the morning, and I wound up staying home from church, which gave me another 3 hours alone.

 

So I'm feeling like at least my head is above water now.

 

Dh and I had a talk yesterday afternoon. He still doesn't really understand, but has agreed that he'll keep an eye on the kids from the office for a couple of hours between school and supper two days a week while I go to the library, and we'll see how it goes for a while. He was kind of reluctant at first because he thinks I've already not been spending enough quality time with the family lately, even though I'm home, and this would be even MORE time away. I explained that if I get my alone time on a regular basis then when I'm home I will actually WANT to be really with him and the kids and will spend less time trying to get away for a few minutes here and a few minutes there and gritting my teeth when I see them coming. He's not sure he buys it, but he'll go along with it for a while and see how it goes because I really have not been good company lately.

[MamaSheep]

I hear you. I am up late now to get my time.

 

My DH is an introvert. In fact, his introversion is costing us an extra $220 this month, because he didn't want to stay in the free barracks for a class, but wanted temporary housing instead. I understand and think it is worth it -- small price to pay. Of course he will be gone for fourteen days straight and then come back and work for five more. He is pressuring me to drive 100 miles with him and the kids to visit his family the following weekend. I am pushing to stay home alone. Did I mention he is deploying later this year, along with any chance I have of regular, free break? Somehow between now and then I have to make him see how important this is to me.

 

So I am right there with you. You have a laptop? Can you set it up somewhere else in the house and make a little computer station? Mine is on the kitchen counter. That way it would be easy to pop over every now and again and get online without having to go into the office. Also, if DH ever has a day where he is going to be gone an extended period I would declare a snow day and let Ds play all the video games he wants. I know it would not be regular or scheduled, but it might help.

 

:grouphug:

Pam

 

I've tried that a couple of times. What happens is that wherever I set it up becomes the new center of the family solar system if I'm there. It doesn't fix the problem, just relocates it....lol. Also, my laptop is old and tempremental and it can take much longer than is reasonable to perform any useful task. And it can be hard to keep an internet connection. I mostly use it for word processing these days. But it's a good thought.

 

And I've done the snow day thing before...it felt GOOOOD!

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

You might have to try the nap angle if your current plan does not work. Perhaps the need for a nap might be easier to explain than the need for alone time. even if you do not actually nap, the break would be restful.

 

My husband is more of an extrovert than me, but enough of an introvert that he gets my need for a quiet break.

[melissel]

Well done, Amy :D I'm so glad you got the break you needed.

 

He's not sure he buys it, but he'll go along with it for a while and see how it goes because I really have not been good company lately.

 

Ah, the introvert/extrovert disconnect. Make sure he holds up his end of the bargain, and then you can show him how it benefits all of you!

 

You might have to try the nap angle if your current plan does not work. Perhaps the need for a nap might be easier to explain than the need for alone time. even if you do not actually nap, the break would be restful.

 

I agree. This might be the way to go to get them used to living without you for a little while, even if you lock yourself in your room and read. Put a sign on the door that says you are sleeping, and any person who disturbs you will be looking at a week's worth of extra chores! This includes your DH :lol:

[Forget-Me-Not]

I am feeling better, yes. Thanks for asking. :) After the library I went and wandered around the fabric shop for a bit. For some reason the colors and textures of fabric have always been my friends--one of the reasons I quilt is so I can play with bits of fabric. I didn't buy anything but got some project ideas, so that was fun. Then I tried to go to Borders, but when I got there I was met with security lighting that showed empty shelves and a lonely vacuum cleaner. I guess it's been too long since I went there. So I went to Barnes and Noble, which was fortunately still alive and kicking. I bought a new book, and then I took it with me to Chilis and read it while I ate some nummy fajitas--without having to tell ANYBODY to please not hold his fork like a shovel, or that she'd been sitting at the table talking for twenty minutes and not eating, and yes she HAS to eat her green beans. Then I swung by the all-night grocery and got home at around 11:30. The one drawback to the whole thing was that the headache kept getting worse and worse, and taking some Tylenol didn't really even dent it. It was even worse in the morning, and I wound up staying home from church, which gave me another 3 hours alone.

 

So I'm feeling like at least my head is above water now.

 

Dh and I had a talk yesterday afternoon. He still doesn't really understand, but has agreed that he'll keep an eye on the kids from the office for a couple of hours between school and supper two days a week while I go to the library, and we'll see how it goes for a while. He was kind of reluctant at first because he thinks I've already not been spending enough quality time with the family lately, even though I'm home, and this would be even MORE time away. I explained that if I get my alone time on a regular basis then when I'm home I will actually WANT to be really with him and the kids and will spend less time trying to get away for a few minutes here and a few minutes there and gritting my teeth when I see them coming. He's not sure he buys it, but he'll go along with it for a while and see how it goes because I really have not been good company lately.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Hope you guys can work something out!