When do you tell your (young) kids they are having surgery?

[ChristusG]

DD4 (almost 5) may possibly be having eye surgery in a few months. It's not even definite yet, but being the worrier that I am, I'm already thinking about it. :tongue_smilie: She will be 5 when (and if) it happens. She will be put under general anesthesia for the surgery and her eye will be a little sore and possibly itchy afterwards for a few days. No patch or bandage will be required.

 

At what point do you explain to your young child that they will be having surgery? Of course I wouldn't want to spring it on her the morning of the surgery. Do you tell them a week before? A few days before? The day before? And how much detail do you give?

 

She's young enough that she won't pay much attention to the doctor and I in the room discussing it at her next appointment in a few months. We (the doc and I) briefly chatted about it last time (a few weeks ago) and DD was oblivious to it all. So she probably won't know about it until I sit her down and tell her.

[Embassy]

My son has had 2 surgeries. The oldest was when he was 3. I explained what would happen and we role-played what he would see and experience. I probably started a couple weeks before. The day before he had a little tour of the hospital to get familiar with the situation. I requested the tour and had to meet with the hospital psychologist and she assisted with preparing him. I went through those measures because my son had an intense emotional reaction to the first surgery when he was 2. He had no emotional issues with the second surgery.

 

My 3 year old daughter had oral surgery recently and was put under anesthesia. I just role-played for a couple days what she would see and experience and she was fine.

[AK_Mom4]

I would tell her when it's a definite thing (no point in bringing it up before if she doesn't ask). Then I would talk to her a little bit about what is going to happen. DD10 had quite a few medical procedures at that age and we would try to prep her (a little) in advance. Not too many details though or she would spend every waking minute quizzing us about things.

[Mommyof4ks]

We told my son the day of his preop appointment which was two days before his surgery. He was nervous and did not sleep, so it was good that we waited. Some kids are not phased by it, but he was no stranger to the medical world at that point. He was nearly 5 (one month shy) at the time.

[ErinD]

We told our 4 year old three days before, so that he had time to ask a few questions.

 

However, he's a laid-back kid and if it were my oldest instead I'd probably only tell him the day before because, like his mother, he'd never sleep after he knew.

[Lacie]

My son and I talked about how much his tummy had been hurting. That the doctor was going to give him some medicine and he would take a nap. While he was napping the doctor would see what was wrong with his tummy so we could make it better. Mommy will be there when he wakes up. He might feel a little funny after but he will get a Popsicle.

 

He had an endoscope when he was 4.

[Kipling]

My son had eye surgery last May when he was 5. I can't remember how much ahead of time we told him, but it was probably about 4-6 weeks. I started the conversation by asking him if he knew why the doctor checked his eyes. He said yes and explained what was wrong with his eyes (he knew more than we realized, and he said it in his own words, not what he'd overheard from the doctor). So then I explained that the doctor was going to correct the problem and started to explain about the surgery (not the details, but what he would experience). When I got to the part about the anesthesia, he was really excited. This is my strange child who likes to sleep, so being put to sleep was really exciting. He wasn't scared about it, so we didn't make a big deal about it.

 

The surgery actually became a big event that he looked forward to and counted the days until, and my girls were equally excited because they were going to stay with a babysitter. I can't say that will happen in your case, but it's how our family handled it (now, if it had been my melodramatic older daughter having surgery, it would have been totally different). But in any case, I recommend telling her relatively early (once it's definite) and keeping it fairly low-key.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I don't know if this would make it better or worse, but How It's Made did an episode with eye surgery. Ds5 watched it like it was perfectly normal. It's from the first season, and is available on Netflix Streaming.

[Aura]

Thank you for starting this thread. My dd is slightly older and will likely be having eye surgery this year. She's 5 now; she may be 6 by the time the surgery happens.

 

I've thought about it but haven't discussed it w/ her, and I've wondered how to help prepare for it.

[Parrothead]

Dd was a little older when she had her tonsils out. I started talking about the possibility fairly soon. By the time it was official she already knew it would probably happen and looked at it as finally relief from the pain. At the time she was underweight and sick all. the. time.

 

So we really just talked it up before hand. How much fun it would be to stay in a hotel the night before. How much ice cream she would get to eat. How good it would be to not have any pain and be able to eat. And how if she was very very brave she could get a puppy. We brought Baxter home the day of the surgery. I"m not sure you want to go that far though. :D

[KrissiK]

Last May dd age 5 had her tonsils and adenoids out and ear tubes put in in one fell swoop. I told her as soon as it was scheduled. We just played it up. Told her it would hurt a little but she could have all the Popsicles she wanted and watch tv and I promised her a little necklace when it was over. She was so excited that she told everyone she saw she was having surgery. On the day they let her choose the flavor of the anasthesia, and she thought that was pretty fun. It went really well for her going into it with a positive attitude.

[kathy_overman]

Our DS, almost 8, is a extreme worrier, and we don't tell him anything until we are in the car on the way to the doctor. This way we lose as little sleep as possible.

 

In fact, he is having breathing tests done tomorrow --- and he knows nothing about it. It works for us, and it has never been a problem as we have plenty of time to worry/discuss on the drive and as we wait for the doctor.

[elise1mds]

My two kiddos have had half a dozen surgeries between them. DS has had four; DD two. Hers were the more minor, just tubes and then berry extraction from both ears (long story). His were more involved. His first one he doesn't remember at all because he was only 3 months old. When he was 2, he had eye surgery; when he was 5, he had his tonsils and adenoids out. For both of those, I was up front with him as soon as we left the doctor's office because he could hear us talking and wanted to know what was going on. I didn't get into the nitty-gritty details, but we talked about the procedures, what would happen before, during and after the procedure, and a little bit about recovery.

 

Both kids are worriers, but they largely reflect any of my worries, so if I make sure to project calm and confidence, they will pick up on that. Besides, once they're fully awake (i.e. through the cranky post-anesthesia phase), they want to know what they did after they drank the "silly juice."

[Alicia64]

My son had eye surgery at age five. We gave him a couple weeks notice and read a lot of Franklin Goes to the Hospital. I think that helped a lot.

 

We also took our laptop to the hospital and let him watch his favorite dvd while we were waiting for the med that made him go to sleep.

 

The drs. and nurses were great about it. And it took his mind off what was happening.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Alley

[Farrar]

A book suggestion - there's an old Mr. Rogers series that has an entry about what to expect when you go to the hospital that's nice.

 

My ds had surgery when he was really, really little - not even 3 yo. It was minor and he was so young. But even then, we told him about it and talked a lot about it ahead of time, which I think was helpful. In the end, I think his brother was more worried about it than him! But he's always been my little worrywart.

Edited February 2, 2012 by farrarwilliams

[Mom-ninja.]

I told my then 6 yr old the morning of the surgery. Poor kid. There was no way around it.

 

He cried and hyperventilated in the Dr.'s office when the Dr. suggested that maybe at some point ds would perhaps need surgery. Completely fell apart right then and there at the word "maybe."

 

Fast forward 6 months, and I discussed it with the Dr. how to break the news that surgery was indeed going to happen. The Dr. said he believes in honesty. However, DH and I knew that we would have been up all night (or many nights depending on when we told him) with a hysterical child. The Dr. agreed that his mental health was also imortant, and he suggested telling ds the morning of surgery. We agreed.

 

I don't regret it at all. My ds would have been destroyed by the anxiety.

 

He was upset and scared when we told him we were taking him to have surgery that morning, but when we got there he was given "happy juice" and he fell into fits of giggles for the rest of the pre-op time.

 

You need to make your decision based on your dd. You know her best and how she will react.

 

I wanted to add that I have asked my ds if he was mad at me for not telling him sooner. He paused and then told me no because he's glad he didn't have nightmares.

Edited February 2, 2012 by Kleine Hexe

[TKDmom]

My ds6 had his ear tubes surgically removed a couple of months ago. I think he knew about it about a month ahead of time, but I didn't go into any details about it other than telling him that he would get his tubes out.

 

The night before the surgery, we talked a little bit more about what was involved. His older siblings told him that the doctor would stick him with needles. :glare: I honestly didn't know what type of anesthesia they would use, so I couldn't say for sure that he wouldn't get poked (it turned out that they didn't use an IV, but I didn't know this until he was being prepped for the surgery). He was pretty close to hysterics the next morning while we were driving to the surgery center and waiting for him to be called back.

 

So I guess I'm trying to say, find out all the little details like that ahead of time, so that you can answer questions. And you might want to keep any older siblings out of your discussions about the surgery--especially if they like to terrorize your dd.

[ThisIsTheDay]

My ds had surgery at this age. I'm trying to remember that far back! He definitely was aware of it at the pre-op appt., which must have been a week or so before the surgery. I'd suggest talking about it there with your dd and doctor together.

 

We gave very basic info, and ds was happy to hear about it from the doctor also. It helped that he really liked the doctor. Ds wanted us to stay in the operating room for the entire time, which of course was not possible. Dh explained that he would be with him until the medicine made him go to sleep, and that dh would be allowed back with ds before ds woke up.

 

The absolutely worst part of it for ds was that the anesthesia made him vomit afterwards. That's still the part he remembers.

 

I would avoid any mention of anything that might further worry your dd. For example, when ds went for an MRI a few years ago, we did not tell him he'd be getting an IV for two reasons. We wanted to downplay that specific part of it, and we knew that would be the part to unnecessarily freak him out.

 

 

And Mom: :grouphug:.

[DawnM]

My 7 year old has had 3 major surgeries. We told him about 5 days before.

 

They give him some "happy juice" though when he gets there and he doesn't really care what happens after that! :D

 

The recovery is far worse.

 

Dawn

[Momof3littles]

I would not disclose until a week before at the earliest. My son had to have oral surgery for removal of a supernumerary tooth, and our dentist mentioned it in front of him when he was 3. So he lived with the knowledge and dread that the day would come for 5 (!) years. He is a bit on the anxious side to begin with, and had an early cavity as a toddler, so it has taken a lot of time for him to not be fearful of the dentist. That looming over his head was not cool.

 

We saw an oral surgeon last year for a consult and he wanted us to wait for another year or so. We decided to see a different oral surgeon one year later, and he wanted to book it for about 5 days from that visit. I was surprised, but it ended up working well. My son didn't have that much time to be anxious. In his case, he knew it was coming, but not having a very long lag between the decision and the surgery was still helpful.

 

He handled it all very well and I am shocked at how he has matured in that respect in the last year or two. He's a sensitive kid and did fine with the IV, was fine with general, and apparently a riot on nitrous. Apparently he gave a big cheer when it was over and said, "no school for a week!" which I did not say to him beforehand :tongue_smilie:

[RanchGirl]

I would tell her a few days before, very matter of factly, and be sure to get your own stress and worries completely under control first. Also contact your hospital and ask about a tour. Our Children's Hospital does a tour for kids before admission for surgery. They see the type of room, type of bed, meet nurses, try on a hat, mask and gown like the surgeon will wear, etc. They show them the recovery room, where Mom and Dad will be waiting when you wake up, and explain the mask and IV and how the drugs will make them feel. It makes everything more familiar. If your child is nervous, ask for a Child Life Counselor or Specialist to meet and make a plan.

 

I have a child who has had some medical issues and the #1 thing with him is just being matter of fact so he knows since WE are not worried, he doesn't need to worry. We're going to do this, here's what it will be like, there will be some discomfort, it will feel like this, but you've gotten through much worse before, remember last time blah blah, and you'll have <insert awesome reward here> to distract you, and in the end you'll have such and such health benefit. With an older child, I think it's really important to do a tour as described above and meet with the surgeon a few days before so he can ask questions himself. With a 4 year old, use your judgment and if you are not sure, ask the Child Life specialist, they often have great ideas and advice.

 

best of luck to you!!

[Tigger]

IMO how you present it to her is going to matter - if you're anxious, she'll pick that up.....if you're calm and comfortable with it, she'll be.

 

When DS recently had oral surgery, he was told he was going to have some dental work done a couple of weeks before.....morning of, I let him sleep until the last possible minute since he couldn't eat or drink, got him up, dressed and out the door, let him know we were going now to see the dentist.

 

We arrived, signed in, and into pre-op......as he watched cartoons, I handled the paperwork with the OR team and then explained who he was going with, that they were going to go to the OR, show him around, and he'd GET TO see the OR and all the equipment, then they'd give him some medicine to sleep, do the work on his mouth and when he woke up, I'd be there and when we got home he could have some ice cream.

 

When he was in recovery, I was there when he woke......he did really well, no stress, no anxiety......when he was awake enough to go home we did.

 

Think about something she'd think is neat to do - like see the OR, or all the equipment, or something else....play that up as "you get to" do this or that so she'll feel like she's going on an adventure. DS's doctor said he was one of the calmest kids she's worked on - he was totally into seeing the OR and everything before going out, totally cooperated with starting the anesthesia and had no fears. You want to help your daughter have no fear in going into this.

[5forMe]

My son had eye surgery when he was 5. We discussed that we were going to stay in a hotel the night before (he LOVES hotels) and then he would have eye surgery in the morning to fix his eye so he could see well. I explained that Dr. ****** would be there and wearing scrubs and that my son would wear a comfy hospital gown. We explained everything, every step of the way on the day of surgery. My son had a great pediatric surgery team. They all showed him what they looked like by taking their masks and hats off and then putting them back on, and then they put the hat and booties on him. I explained that I would go with him into the operating room (they let parents go into the OR with the child until they are asleep). We walked back to the OR holding hands and then he climbed up onto that metal table and laid down for the anesthesiologist to put the mask over his face. He counted for her until he fell asleep and then I left.

 

They also let me in the recovery room with him before he was fully awake, which was fantastic. To this day (he's 11 now) I think he thinks I was with him the whole time.

 

The surgeon told me that he wasn't sure if there would be pain afterwards. He said some kids have pain for a day or so and others don't. So I didn't mention the pain. Unfortunately my son did have some pain. And he said to me in the recovery room "you didn't tell me it would hurt" and my response was "I didn't know it would hurt (because really I didn't KNOW for sure), I am sorry". He was only sore for the rest of that day. The next day he was fine.

 

I know the anxiety of this....try and be relaxed. If you are tense or anxious, your child will pick up on it.

 

You will both do great!

Edited February 2, 2012 by 5forMe