Wanting another vs feeling like you SHOULD (CC)

[Forget-Me-Not]

I've started this post and decided against it many times now. Please be respectful of the fact that for us, this is not a simple "If you don't want another one, don't have another one."

 

Both DH and I would like to be done with the 3 we have, but we both have the feeling that God has another child planned for us. We actually got pg a few months ago. I don't usually get pg easily (took us anywhere from 7-22 mos with our other 3), but somehow the stars aligned and we got pg on the first try. And then I had a m/c at 6 weeks that left me :confused::confused::confused:

 

So now I'm in this weird place. I feel stretched to my limit a lot of days with the 3 that I have. The thought of starting over with a newborn makes me want to puke. The thought of dealing with another m/c makes me want to puke (I've had 3 m/c total now). And I'm wondering, why, WHY if we were supposed to do this again, why did I lose that pg? But then I remind myself that God knows better than I do, and if this is His will for our family, then we will be blessed for obedience.

 

Thoughts? Stories? Advice?

[meggie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Have you taken it to the temple? I always get my best revelation there.

 

I understand how you feel. I'm done with childbearing. I've got three, have no interest in starting over. And I don't even have a hard time getting pregnant or have miscarriages. I just get PPD. And yet in our church, I feel like I am the BIGGEST mommy failure because I don't want more. I hate to see my in laws reaction when they find out. DH says we just won't tell them :lol: which is totally ok with me.

 

So my answer to your whys: That's just life. It happens and it happens to both good and bad people. So I personally would stop trying to explain the whys.

 

If I were you, I'd pray, come to a decision and take it to the temple. And go based on that.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Miscarriages are never easy. Praying for some comfort for you.

Edited January 30, 2012 by meggie

[Scuff]

Since you aren't sure, don't do anything permenant just yet. Just 'cause you don't feel done, doesn't mean you have to have another *now*. I thought we should have another. Dh didn't agree. It took a few years for dh to change his mind. (just when I was giving up and getting content with the 3 we had) now we have the forth I wanted and a surprise 5th. Dh will be taking care of things, now we're certain. Before we weren't don't do anything you may regret until your sure. And if you get a surprise in the meantime, obviously God had plans.

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Have you taken it to the temple? I always get my best revelation there.

 

Thanks Meggie :) It's definitely on our list of things to do, but one is closed for cleaning until Feb 13, and the other one (we 2 hours from 2 different Temples) is hard to get to right now because of snow/winter storms.

 

And yeah, I wonder sometimes if this is "LDS Guilt" vs an actual prompting from God, but I think it's the latter.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Since you aren't sure, don't do anything permenant just yet. Just 'cause you don't feel done, doesn't mean you have to have another *now*. I thought we should have another. Dh didn't agree. It took a few years for dh to change his mind. (just when I was giving up and getting content with the 3 we had) now we have the forth I wanted and a surprise 5th. Dh will be taking care of things, now we're certain. Before we weren't don't do anything you may regret until your sure. And if you get a surprise in the meantime, obviously God had plans.

 

Thanks for sharing this :) Yeah, we wouldn't do anything 'permanent' either way. I guess I'm a little concerned too because DH is 40 and I'll be 35 next month, so if we are going to do it, the clock is ticking, KWIM? :D But you're right, we probably do have a little time.

[meggie]

Thanks Meggie :) It's definitely on our list of things to do, but one is closed for cleaning until Feb 13, and the other one (we 2 hours from 2 different Temples) is hard to get to right now because of snow/winter storms.

 

And yeah, I wonder sometimes if this is "LDS Guilt" vs an actual prompting from God, but I think it's the latter.

 

That's only two weeks away. Nothing permanent in either direction has to be decided before then. Just keep thinking and praying or ignore it all together for awhile.

 

After Digby was born, I was adamant that we not have another. I prayed and got a "sorry, there's another spirit waiting for you" and I was angry. So I figured nothing had to be done right then, as Digby was only 6 months or so. I didn't worry about it at all until Digby's 1st birthday and I was wondering why Aunt Flo was late and did I miscount and all that. I made DH buy me a dollar store PG test before he went to work and after he left I took it thinking, "Wouldn't it be so funny if I called him and said, 'I'm pregnant...JUST KIDDING!'" And what really happened was the two lines showed up and I was in complete shock and denial. So I got to call DH and tell him the first part, followed by a "I think it's wrong." For about 3 weeks I was in denial.

 

Now I can't remember what the point was of that story, but that's our little story. Now I have an IUD in and figure if in 5 years I change my mind, I always have that option. I think God knows my heart and can accept my offering of doing my best with the three I've got. That's all he asks of anyone; that they do their best.

[Heidi]

LemonPie, I hope you find your answer :grouphug: I'm right there with you! The replies to your question are so helpful to me too.

[Crimson Wife]

And yeah, I wonder sometimes if this is "LDS Guilt" vs an actual prompting from God, but I think it's the latter.

 

This Catholic can relate, LOL! Trust in the Lord and take things one day at a time. Unless you are at an age where your biological clock is really ticking, you can revisit the decision when your other kids are a bit older.

 

I always thought I wanted 4 kids, but my youngest was diagnosed with a developmental delay at 24 mos. and autism at 34 months. At this point, I'm simply nowhere ready to take on the challenges of another child especially with the high risk of recurrence. I'm not saying "never" to #4, just "not yet".

[Crimson Wife]

Thanks for sharing this :) Yeah, we wouldn't do anything 'permanent' either way. I guess I'm a little concerned too because DH is 40 and I'll be 35 next month, so if we are going to do it, the clock is ticking, KWIM? :D But you're right, we probably do have a little time.

 

I missed this earlier. You have PLENTY of time :)

[Aggie]

Thanks Meggie :) It's definitely on our list of things to do, but one is closed for cleaning until Feb 13, and the other one (we 2 hours from 2 different Temples) is hard to get to right now because of snow/winter storms.

 

And yeah, I wonder sometimes if this is "LDS Guilt" vs an actual prompting from God, but I think it's the latter.

:lol::lol: That's funny! I tell people that we are under-achievers because no one I know has less than 4 dc and we only have 3.

 

How old are your dc?

 

I have a few rambling thoughts, in no particular order. ;)

 

When I had 3 under 5 and I was 42, I was overwhelmed. I couldn't imagine adding one more child. So we didn't. Forward to now. The older two are teens and are such a joy. The youngest is still a big ol' ball of energy, but I can somehow keep up.

 

Live isn't 'easy' now in terms of scheduling and schooling, but I can easily see that having one more wouldn't be a drain on me or my family. As a matter of fact, I'd love having another teen around now.

 

Ok...gotta run...

[Xuzi]

Well, there's more than one way to have a baby. ;) Have you considered that the Lord may be trying to lead you to adoption? Or foster care? (perhaps not now, but sometime in the future?) Perhaps he's keeping your heart ready, so that when an opportunity to take in another child comes to you, you'll be (at least emotionally) prepared.

 

ETA: And ditto the other LDS ladies: take it to the Temple. (and did you know you can even call Temples to have your name put on the prayer roll? Perhaps you could call up the Temple near you that's still open)

[fairfarmhand]

because sometimes we learn things in the struggle that makes us better.

 

Find the Laura Story Song called "blessings"

 

I've miscarried, and I buried my mom one year ago. This song tells me what I need to know.

 

:grouphug:

[YaelAldrich]

I am in the same boat -- we have four and my youngest is two, I am 38 and I told myself I want to be done when I hit 40. I think I want another, but then thinking about being pregnant (yuck) and gaining weight (yuck) and not being to be in the shape I have gotten myself into (I want to run a 1/2 marathon this spring/summer) and moving to Japan (which is big possibility) and giving birth there. My husband is not really all that thrilled about having another (but he knows I am thinking about it and goes back and forth between acknowledging that and saying no more) and his family and mine are outright telling us no more kids. I have to talk to my husband now that he is back in the country and talk to our rabbi about the whole thing...

[MomatHWTK]

I had a surprise pregnancy between Aaron and Liam. I was excited and thrilled, then we had an early m/c. Very upsetting of course. When I found out I was expecting Liam a year later I was absolutely terrified, confused, shocked (I'm not young) and spent the whole pregnancy nearly in a state of denial.

 

But he's here and his sweet personality has carried us through some trying times as we've faced other difficulties. When I remarked to one of the ladies at church whom I was close to that "I was too old for this," had thought I was done and had no idea why we were chosen to have this child, particularly after the previous loss she told me that God must have a very special purpose for this baby because he had come to us despite the odds.

 

Now, we are in a similar boat and have been for quite some time. Do we trust completely, knowing that it really could happen again or do we say, "we're done." Being so blessed with all my other babies how can I say the next wouldn't be? I know that even though I feel overwhelmed I can do all things through God. But wow, I wouldn't mind a break either. :001_unsure:

[cjzimmer1]

After #3, I told DH I wanted 5. He had a hard time even thinking about that many and his only response was as long as it's one at a time (twins run in my family). When I was pregnant with #5 I was sure we were done. When she was born I was sure we were done (every other time I knew there would be another before we ever left the hospital). For the first year I was sure we were done and actually sold a lot of the baby clothes.

 

And then something happened. I frequently do head counts when we are out and almost every time I mentally counted I felt like I was missing someone. I get to 5 and be like, "we only have 5" that's not very many. Or double check to see who's missing only to realize that the 5 we have are all there. While we aren't certain about having #6, we are no longer opposed to the idea either. I've had 2 miscarriages and the thought of going through another scares me because I went through some very dark places with the last one but yet that feeling persists that there is another one in store for us. My husband was also pretty adament after 5 that we were done and is now wish washy on #6. So we are just waiting to see what plans God has for us.

[SnowWhite]

Since you're LDS, couldn't the m/c baby have been part of God's plan? I don't share the theology of pre-existence of souls, but I do believe m/c babies are in heaven. Just a thought.

 

I did have a burning "calling" for another baby till we had our youngest. Dh did not share that, but he listened to me finally and he is totally in love with the little guy. We are still not doing anything "permanent". (and I had my third at age 39.5, so you've plenty of time).

[gardenmom5]

I pm'd you too, but had one thing I thought I'd share.

 

I was "an accident". My mother made no secret of it when I was growing up. (I'm pretty sure I was SPD, and probably spectrum - so I wouldn't have been an easy child either.) In my adulthood, she also repeatedly told me how GLAD she was she had me, and she didn't know what she would have done without me.

[gardenmom5]

And then something happened. I frequently do head counts when we are out and almost every time I mentally counted I felt like I was missing someone. I get to 5 and be like, "we only have 5" that's not very many. Or double check to see who's missing only to realize that the 5 we have are all there. While we aren't certain about having #6, we are no longer opposed to the idea either. I've had 2 miscarriages and the thought of going through another scares me because I went through some very dark places with the last one but yet that feeling persists that there is another one in store for us. My husband was also pretty adament after 5 that we were done and is now wish washy on #6. So we are just waiting to see what plans God has for us.

 

btdt=

we were camping, and I did my "headcount", and flew into a panic because someone was "missing". Uh, he hadn't been conceived yet. :tongue_smilie:

[SKL]

I'm not LDS or Catholic, but I'm an adoptive mom and I'm just wondering: could that little voice you're hearing be a call to consider adoption?

[jennsmile]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Are you a long lost twin. It takes us forever to get preggo too. We have 3 kiddos and 3 miscarriages. :grouphug: I finally gave up and realized the timing wasn't in my hands as much as I wanted it to be.

 

I am pregnant with #4 and there are days where the thought of newborn stage is not something I look forward too. I have enjoyed no diapers.

 

I would fast pray and take it to the temple.

 

My friend had 4 boys in 5 years and was planning to take a break for awhile, not be completely done but she was planning to rest for a while but she ended up pregnant before she got her iud in place.

[jennsmile]

Since you're LDS, couldn't the m/c baby have been part of God's plan? I don't share the theology of pre-existence of souls, but I do believe m/c babies are in heaven. Just a thought.

 

I did have a burning "calling" for another baby till we had our youngest. Dh did not share that, but he listened to me finally and he is totally in love with the little guy. We are still not doing anything "permanent". (and I had my third at age 39.5, so you've plenty of time).

 

Very true. I know when my younger brother was born I wanted to know where there other two were. My mom had one more and a miscarriage. We joke that I have my sisters waiting in heaven and they were my mom's two miscarriages.

[Maus]

We'd been married about six years without kids when a bishop approached us about adopting through LDS family services, but we just couldn't get a "yes" answer.

 

Surprise, surprise! When I was 35, we found ourselves pregnant, though that ended in a m/c. Two months later, we were pregnant with our son. (By then, I was two months short of 37.) I knew right off we were to have another, and was asking the doctor at my six-week checkup about recovery and timing.

 

Sure enough, our daughter was born almost exactly two years later. One of each and I was 39. I felt really, really done. As she outgrew stuff, I sold it off or gave it away. Except for the crib, which would have brought the most money. Every time I thought about selling the crib, I couldn't do it.

 

Fast forward four years. I kept getting these little nudges, like a flash of squeezing in another carseat, or the kids mentioning how fun it would be to have a baby. I mentioned it to DH and we half-heartedly prayed about it, because we both felt done and old and not interested in doing all the baby stuff again. General Conference approached, and DH was considering a job change. At his request, we'd had extra family prayers that he'd be open to the Spirit before he attended the Priesthood session.

 

He came home looking stunned. He hadn't gotten any answer about the job, but he had the very strong indication that we were to have another baby. I really already knew that; I'd just been pushing it down because I didn't want to. We were pregnant within two weeks, and she was born on my 44th birthday (and my dad's 67th birthday.)

 

She's such a match for this family! Very strong personality, and totally has her dad wrapped around her little finger. Adores her sibs, and they alternate between adoration and tolerance for her.

 

The pregnancy wrecked my blood pressure, though. I developed pre-emclampsia the last month and now am permanently on BP meds. We really do think we are done, now, but are too scared to say, "Never." We just say, "We think we are done. We'd need direct inspiration otherwise to have another."

 

--

I have had a few people ask me if we were planning to have another. I usually just tell them my age, which comes as a surprise, since our kids are young and apparently I don't look it.

Edited January 30, 2012 by Maus

[Forget-Me-Not]

Thank-you all so far for your thoughts and stories and PMs. For some reason, this has been weighing especially heavy on my mind today and it's nice to be able to bounce it off people who get where I'm coming from :001_wub:

 

LemonPie, I hope you find your answer :grouphug: I'm right there with you! The replies to your question are so helpful to me too.

Glad to help! I hope you get some answers and peace as well!

 

:lol::lol: That's funny! I tell people that we are under-achievers because no one I know has less than 4 dc and we only have 3.

 

How old are your dc?

 

I have a few rambling thoughts, in no particular order. ;)

 

When I had 3 under 5 and I was 42, I was overwhelmed. I couldn't imagine adding one more child. So we didn't. Forward to now. The older two are teens and are such a joy. The youngest is still a big ol' ball of energy, but I can somehow keep up.

 

Live isn't 'easy' now in terms of scheduling and schooling, but I can easily see that having one more wouldn't be a drain on me or my family. As a matter of fact, I'd love having another teen around now.

 

Ok...gotta run...

 

Mine are (almost) 9, 6.5 and 3. They'd be 10, 7 and 4 even if I got pg immediately. My 3 yo is just really wearing me out lately--she's a very spirited and busy, and there are days I just want to sit on the floor and cry because she's gone from making a mess, to provoking her older siblings into fighting and screaming to climbing up on the counters to get into my higher cabinets (where I keep things I don't want her to get into!!!). And I think, WTHeck would I do if I had a newborn to take care of AND she's doing all this?

 

Well, there's more than one way to have a baby. ;) Have you considered that the Lord may be trying to lead you to adoption? Or foster care? (perhaps not now, but sometime in the future?) Perhaps he's keeping your heart ready, so that when an opportunity to take in another child comes to you, you'll be (at least emotionally) prepared.

 

ETA: And ditto the other LDS ladies: take it to the Temple. (and did you know you can even call Temples to have your name put on the prayer roll? Perhaps you could call up the Temple near you that's still open)

 

I'm not LDS or Catholic, but I'm an adoptive mom and I'm just wondering: could that little voice you're hearing be a call to consider adoption?

 

You know, it's something we've considered, but I don't really feel led in that direction right now. For our family, I really think this would be another bio kid .

 

because sometimes we learn things in the struggle that makes us better.

 

Find the Laura Story Song called "blessings"

 

I've miscarried, and I buried my mom one year ago. This song tells me what I need to know.

 

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry for your losses. Thanks for sharing that beautiful song, it was very soothing to my soul!

if anyone else would like to listen.

 

Since you're LDS, couldn't the m/c baby have been part of God's plan? I don't share the theology of pre-existence of souls, but I do believe m/c babies are in heaven. Just a thought.

 

Yes, I believe it's ALL part of God's plan (the good and the bad). Just puzzling and frustrating you know?

 

And then something happened. I frequently do head counts when we are out and almost every time I mentally counted I felt like I was missing someone. I get to 5 and be like, "we only have 5" that's not very many. Or double check to see who's missing only to realize that the 5 we have are all there.

 

This has happened more times than I can count recently. I keep trying to count to 4. Uh oh :tongue_smilie: