S/O Boarding school thread...

[I.Dup.]

If you knew a family with a newly 14yo girl who voluntarily sent her away to a home for "runaways and throwaways" (the home was mainly used for court-ordered purposes as an alternative to juvenille hall although these parents sent her there voluntarily with no court involved) because the newly 14yo was:

 

was very angry with her mother, screaming at her and throwing things

they thought she was sexually active, but had no proof

they thought she did marijuana from comments the girl had made to friends that had been reported to them, but had no proof

they knew she had been exposed to hardcore online pornography

never had been involved with the police or anything like that

 

what would you think? Were they in the right to send their daughter away (she ended up living there for 2 years)? What should they have done?

[AK_Mom4]

I would think that I probably didn't have the whole story.

 

Sending a kid off to one of those places for two years is a pretty extreme step for any family. Not something entered into lightly by anyone involved. I would suspect there was more going on than I had info about.

[Joanne]

I'd think I didn't know the whole story and that the parents were overwhelmed, scared, and concerned.

 

I worked in a Residential Center for at risk youth. They can be very helpful, but only if the child and family are in a space to allow that to happen.

[I.Dup.]

I would think that I probably didn't have the whole story.

 

Sending a kid off to one of those places for two years is a pretty extreme step for any family. Not something entered into lightly by anyone involved. I would suspect there was more going on than I had info about.

 

I was the girl sent. There was nothing else going on. I hadn't been sexually active yet (although I was having oral sex, even in school) and I had never done drugs, or even touched alcohol.

[goldberry]

I was the girl sent. There was nothing else going on. I hadn't been sexually active yet (although I was having oral sex, even in school) and I had never done drugs, or even touched alcohol.

 

:grouphug: I had a close friend growing up who had some troubles at home, even less than what you described. Her mom and step dad sent her to live with a family friend for awhile, "to see if that would calm the situation". Really what they were saying to her is "We don't want to deal with you." She never got over it.

 

I know that for some families that is a reasonable and last desparate option. But for some families, it's just a cop out.

[Sputterduck]

I was the girl sent. There was nothing else going on. I hadn't been sexually active yet (although I was having oral sex, even in school) and I had never done drugs, or even touched alcohol.

 

:grouphug:What did you feel about it? Did you feel rejected? Did it help? Do you feel that they were justified?

[Joanne]

I was the girl sent. There was nothing else going on. I hadn't been sexually active yet (although I was having oral sex, even in school) and I had never done drugs, or even touched alcohol.

 

I'm not sure why you set up the thread as such. :confused:

 

What do YOU know about your parents that helps you as an adult understand their thinking?

[I.Dup.]

Absolutely I felt rejected. But that was par for the course in my home, this was just the nail that sealed the coffin. Honestly, I'm more mad about it the older I get.

 

It did help me get a grounding in the Christian faith. I had a lot of time to pray and study the Bible (and there were no boys there :tongue_smilie:) so that did help a lot. But once I got out, all hell broke loose. :( Getting out started the worst decade of my life, not sure how different it would have been had I not gone. I do think it was good to get out of our home, we had a very toxic home environment.

[clarkacademy]

I don't know if I would send my 14 year old away. I also know that some parents feel they just can't deal and I wouldn't want to snap judge because I am not in their shoes. There are two sides to every story. If I thought she was a danger to her self or others it is very possible I would. Let me say though it would rip out my heart.

[I.Dup.]

I'm not sure why you set up the thread as such. :confused:

 

set up the thread assuming the child did drugs and had sex? Because I assume that is what my parents thought (as they had every right to think that, but it wasn't true and they didn't do much digging).

[AK_Mom4]

That's not very fair. You presented it as a 3rd-person possibly hypothetical situation. There is more to the story than what you mentioned initially. You lived through it and it sounds like it was a bad experience for you.

 

Here's the answer I would have given if I had known this was about you:

 

:grouphug::grouphug: None of us here can justify or explain or make it right that your parents sent you away. I am so sorry it happened to you. :grouphug::grouphug:

[I.Dup.]

That's not very fair. You presented it as a 3rd-person possibly hypothetical situation. There is more to the story than what you mentioned initially. You lived through it and it sounds like it was a bad experience for you.

 

Here's the answer I would have given if I had known this was about you:

 

:grouphug::grouphug: None of us here can justify or explain or make it right that your parents sent you away. I am so sorry it happened to you. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Thank you. But I set up the thread that way so I just wouldn't get compassionate answers, so I would get truly unbiased answers. :D I just didn't think people would immediately think they weren't getting the whole story, duh. Should have thought of that I guess.

[Annie G]

I would probably think the parents were doing the best they could do, and that they probably hoped the home would prevent the girl from getting into legal trouble.

 

And I'm of the opinion that oral sex is sex, and that the behaviors would have escalated without help.

 

That doesn't mean that your teen years weren't awful and that I discount your feelings of abandonment/rejection. But being a parent, I answered it from the perspective of a parent who feels professional help is needed.

[I.Dup.]

I would probably think the parents were doing the best they could do, and that they probably hoped the home would prevent the girl from getting into legal trouble.

 

And I'm of the opinion that oral sex is sex, and that the behaviors would have escalated without help.

 

That doesn't mean that your teen years weren't awful and that I discount your feelings of abandonment/rejection. But being a parent, I answered it from the perspective of a parent who feels professional help is needed.

 

you mean you feel professional help is needed in your own parenting journey or in the one I shared?

[I.Dup.]

FWIW, I think you're absolutely right that the behaviors would have escalated. I know we needed help. I guess I just always felt like the scapegoat and so waking me up one morning and telling me I was going to be sent away during the most confusing years of anyone's life seemed pretty heartless. Why couldn't THEY have done more to help me? Lift a finger? Do something? Why send me away? Why not try other things first? But I know I put my parents through the ringer, and I will always regret my part in our horrible relationship journey. It's just a sad situation, that still bothers me apparently.

[Annie G]

you mean you feel professional help is needed in your own parenting journey or in the one I shared?

 

I mean if I had a teen acting out like that, I'd probably feel that sending her away might be the best option. If my parenting resulted in an angry, acting out teen, I probably wouldn't be the right one to fix it. Because even though some teens have awful behavior, it's often both the teen and the parents who contribute to the breakdown.

I'm sure if that had happened to one of our girls, I would have sought professional help before making the decision to send her away. But I know some people don't have those resources available.

[I.Dup.]

I mean if I had a teen acting out like that, I'd probably feel that sending her away might be the best option. If my parenting resulted in an angry, acting out teen, I probably wouldn't be the right one to fix it. Because even though some teens have awful behavior, it's often both the teen and the parents who contribute to the breakdown.

I'm sure if that had happened to one of our girls, I would have sought professional help before making the decision to send her away. But I know some people don't have those resources available.

 

K, thanks.

[Annie G]

FWIW, I think you're absolutely right that the behaviors would have escalated. I know we needed help. I guess I just always felt like the scapegoat and so waking me up one morning and telling me I was going to be sent away during the most confusing years of anyone's life seemed pretty heartless. Why couldn't THEY have done more to help me? Lift a finger? Do something? Why send me away? Why not try other things first? But I know I put my parents through the ringer, and I will always regret my part in our horrible relationship journey. It's just a sad situation, that still bothers me apparently.

 

Did you have siblings? If so, were you the oldest?

 

I wish you could meet with your parents and a therapist- you might learn that they did try things. Maybe you don't know what they tried or you don't remember.

I say you might not know what they tried because it might not have been explained outright to you. For instance, one of our daughters had an eating disorder and we were counseled to spend as much time with her as possible- to try and keep her engaged with the family and not spend lots of time alone in her room. She was never aware of that kind of intervention (which was just one of many methods we employed to get her well).

 

I'm sure it's difficult to ever put this out of your mind, and even more difficult to ever have a relationship with people you feel rejected you.

[TranquilMind]

I would think that I probably didn't have the whole story.

 

Sending a kid off to one of those places for two years is a pretty extreme step for any family. Not something entered into lightly by anyone involved. I would suspect there was more going on than I had info about.

 

 

Exactly. I would mind my own business. If this were a close friend, I might ask sometime what led to this decision.

 

But some parents really may feel they have no choice but to do something really drastic, and without being an insider, who am I to judge?

 

I have a challenging teen myself, and believe me, there are days I'd send MYSELF to a residential school.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would think that this was not a boarding school issue but a family issue.

[Joker]

I was a lot like you and I think my dad was almost at the point of sending me away (I was 16 though, not 14 ). I'm pretty certain he felt that way because he was so scared. I heard him say as much to my mom. I think he was scared of losing me in worse ways than just being sent away somewhere for help.

 

My mom found a great therapist though and he would guide her in dealing with me and it worked. I never saw him myself but my mom went often during that year. She has said without him they felt I would have run away or been sent away.

 

:grouphug:

[jennsmile]

First :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Second I know that as kids we have a perspective and as I have talked to my parents now, I realize they have regrets for not trying things with my older brother. They moved his senior year and it was bad. But at the same time he had made lots of choices during the summer while away with drum corp. There were lots of closed door discussions and ideas tossed around. They decided to keep the family together instead of sending him up to live with friends and finish the year. They will always wonder what if.

 

Personally at a 14 yo I didn't know what oral tEa was. Nor was I engaging it. And to me it is still a tEa. Perhaps your parents feared you coming home pregnant and looking at the age of your kids that was the era of tough love and reform camps/schools and what not. Perhaps they were doing the best they knew how given what they knew.

 

Again :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I think this is a discussion you should be having with your parents or a qualified psychologist who specializes in cases like yours.

 

I don't think any of us can give you the help you need. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain, and I truly hope you are able to resolve your feelings toward your parents. I can't even begin to imagine how horrible those years were for you.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Mommy22alyns]

I am not in their situation, so I just couldn't judge.

 

ETA: OP, I'm sorry that this was you.

[celticmom]

I would want to know what society's view of sending chilren away to school in that time and place were before I thought further about it.

 

Now sending a twelve year old who had just lost his mother away to boarding school would be viewed as very insensitive but in the past it was probably viewed as the best opportunity for him.

 

This happened to my father and while it was probably not ideal the relatives who did so were trying to provide for him to the best of their ability. They treated him like their own child in terms of educational opportunities and financial support even after their deaths.

[J-rap]

Sadly, some parents are just not equipped to be parents. They were probably from homes that did not teach them these skills, and they were scared and overwhelmed, and who knows what else. They probably did what they thought was the best thing. That does not make it right or wrong, or justify anything. I'm sorry you had to go through years of hardship. It doesn't seem fair, does it? I'm sure you are providing a far better home environment for your own children, and you will be passing those skills onto the next generation.

[I.Dup.]

I would think that this was not a boarding school issue but a family issue.

 

That is what I think too, although I think in the end, it was good for me to get out of the house.

 

I was a lot like you and I think my dad was almost at the point of sending me away (I was 16 though, not 14 ). I'm pretty certain he felt that way because he was so scared. I heard him say as much to my mom. I think he was scared of losing me in worse ways than just being sent away somewhere for help.

 

My mom found a great therapist though and he would guide her in dealing with me and it worked. I never saw him myself but my mom went often during that year. She has said without him they felt I would have run away or been sent away.

 

:grouphug:

 

Do you mind sharing more of what the therapist did to help your mom, if you know? I'm very curious.

 

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I think this is a discussion you should be having with your parents or a qualified psychologist who specializes in cases like yours.

 

I don't think any of us can give you the help you need. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain, and I truly hope you are able to resolve your feelings toward your parents. I can't even begin to imagine how horrible those years were for you.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Eh, I'm not in that much pain, I don't think. It doesn't keep me up at night or anything, I just had a really tough adolescence and get a bit more paranoid as my kids get closer to those ages. :001_smile:

 

Sadly, some parents are just not equipped to be parents. They were probably from homes that did not teach them these skills, and they were scared and overwhelmed, and who knows what else. They probably did what they thought was the best thing. That does not make it right or wrong, or justify anything. I'm sorry you had to go through years of hardship. It doesn't seem fair, does it? I'm sure you are providing a far better home environment for your own children, and you will be passing those skills onto the next generation.

 

Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head here. I'm glad it happened to me, if it means my children have an easier life. Thank you :001_smile:

 

ETA: I am 29, so this was 15 years ago. I'm not sure if sending kids away was the "thing" to do back then.