cjthedog64 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 My DH of 14 years just told me a couple of days ago that the reason he's been so stressed out and unhappy lately is because of me. He said I'm dismissive of him and his feelings, and the only reason he comes home is because of DS5. I've known he's been feeling that way, but I had no idea that it was because of me. Money has been REALLY tight for months, he hates his job (always has) but is too close to retirement to quit, everyone expects him to fix their cars and he never has time for himself. His oldest 2 kids have been estranged for a few years (20 & 16) because of their mom. There's always been things like these that we've had to deal with. I do home daycare and am DS's primary caregiver due to DH's schedule, and we don't get out much, just the 2 of us. I've always assumed it was due to money. I don't need to go out, I love just being home with my family or doing free stuff. He's been riding his motorcycle a lot, which has always relaxed him, so I've been fine with it. And he goes out (basically free) with buddies on weekends after DS is in bed. They just hang out, and again, I've been ok with it because I'm ready to crash around 11. He's mentioned that he feels ignored because I'm on Facebook a lot. Ok, I stopped using it on my phone when we're sitting watching TV. Mostly used it to keep family & friends up to date on things we're doing for school. Never chat about personal things. This post is the most personal thing I've ever put online, other than Ds's birth story. Lol. When he finally admitted that I was his problem, it felt like my whole world shattered. I really had no idea. I told him I'd be totally off of Facebook, and I have. I said I wanted to spend time together and see what we could work out. He agreed, but couldn't promise anything. That's understandable to me, considering how much he's hurting. I know it won't be easy. He told me this on Thursday, had plans already to help fix a bike (he's getting paid)that night. Last night, his daughter wanted to see him for the first time in 18 months. Of course he wouldn't say no. Today he's had 2 rides planned for months, both once a year things. (Daytime to Tony Packo's in Toledo, and evening to the Mansfield Reformatory). Both paid for, so I understand he wants to go. Tomorrow he's going to a gun show, needing to sell some stuff so we can pay our 2nd mortgage. Again, he can't really not do it. So I'm sitting here with DS, trying to let him enjoy this beautiful weekend. Not using Facebook, because I promised, and intend to keep my word. My best friend is the only person I could actually talk to, but she's due with her 5th baby tomorrow. Not something I want to dump on her right now. ;-) I just feel so alone, my feelings toward DH haven't changed so I'm missing him terribly and just want to be with him. And those few minutes we are together, he's feeling so hurt (by me) that he doesn't want to even hug. I'm so overwhelmed and confused. I hate this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Why would he care if you are on Facebook when he is not even home? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 It takes two. In no way should you accept that marriage troubles are all your fault. If you've offered affection and he has turned it down (the hug) then he has a problem not you. :grouphug: I hope you both can work this out. There isn't much point in you worrying about things too much until you and he can set aside sometime to discuss things. Maybe a marriage counselor is in order. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carriecs Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Hi Marcy, I just read your post and wanted you to know that I will keep you & your family in my prayers. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and ask for help, so I wanted you to know that someone heard you & cares. I'm sorry for your pain. Big hugs to you!!!! ~Carrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmith Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 :grouphug:Prayers coming your way! That's a lot for him to put on your shoulders. I don't think it's fair of him to make you feel responsible for his happiness, or lack of... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjthedog64 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 He just said that I care about my online friends more than him. I do post a lot, but I also read fast and type fast. I'm sure I spend more time than I should, but I still get everything else taken care of. It's my way of having grown up talk and keeping in touch with people, since I'm surrounded by 3-6 kids every day. I don't mind not using it, so he can realize that he is more important. Just is annoying that he's not even here to talk to. If I was on it now, I wouldn't be saying anything about this - not how I deal with personal issues. I do have one FB friend here, but we don't actually "know" each other, so it's ok. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 The problem isn't you. He might believe that it's you, but the problem is deeper than that. It's just easy/convenient to blame you. It sounds like you guys really need to see a marriage counselor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjthedog64 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Thanks. I know it's not all my fault. It's been years of lots of things, many of which we've had no control of. I just had no idea that he took things the way he did. I thought I was supporting him by encouraging him to get out with friends (he didn't use to), or find riding buddies, etc. I've been very frugal so he wouldn't have to worry about money as much. I've always been happy with him, though not with most of the crap that life has thrown at us. I consider him a great husband and an awesome dad. I guess the difference in out feelings is what has thrown me for such a loop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bpskowski Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Yes, a marriage is a two way street. And if there isn't some big obvious thing that created a divide, then don't let him put the blame on you. Both of you need to work it out. And I agree a counselor/therapist might be in order. Don't let him manipulate you into thinking it's all your problem. That sounds self-centered to me. (On his part!) My thoughts are with you and I hope you find the strength to deal with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Before this is closed down, I just want to note I was married for years to a man who spent the last 2/3rds of the marriage complaining about me. Everything was my fault. When I'd gone over 2 years without an affectionate word, and 6 weeks without ANY word, I decided I was going to be dumped and offered to type up an amicable divorce. Surprise surprise, the man who said that he "loved his job, his friends, his house, but just not me" was miserable and freaked out. Life has moved on, and I hope he is better now, but I doubt it. The older I get, the more I feel people are responsible for their own happiness. Short of abuse or rampant selfishness, etc. the parties of a marriage need to keep their own balls in the air. No one else can do it for you, no matter how hard she tries. I sacrificed career and huge swaths to time keeping a big house, packing lunches, cooking goat rogan josh, and covering his weekend calls in the hopes he'd be happy. I failed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Wise words and I so agree.....people who are miserable like to place blame on everything other than themselves. Dawn Before this is closed down, I just want to note I was married for years to a man who spent the last 2/3rds of the marriage complaining about me. Everything was my fault. When I'd gone over 2 years without an affectionate word, and 6 weeks without ANY word, I decided I was going to be dumped and offered to type up an amicable divorce. Surprise surprise, the man who said that he "loved his job, his friends, his house, but just not me" was miserable and freaked out. Life has moved on, and I hope he is better now, but I doubt it. The older I get, the more I feel people are responsible for their own happiness. Short of abuse or rampant selfishness, etc. the parties of a marriage need to keep their own balls in the air. No one else can do it for you, no matter how hard she tries. I sacrificed career and huge swaths to time keeping a big house, packing lunches, cooking goat rogan josh, and covering his weekend calls in the hopes he'd be happy. I failed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjthedog64 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Before this is closed down, I just want to note I was married for years to a man who spent the last 2/3rds of the marriage complaining about me. Everything was my fault. When I'd gone over 2 years without an affectionate word, and 6 weeks without ANY word, I decided I was going to be dumped and offered to type up an amicable divorce. Surprise surprise, the man who said that he "loved his job, his friends, his house, but just not me" was miserable and freaked out. Life has moved on, and I hope he is better now, but I doubt it. The older I get, the more I feel people are responsible for their own happiness. Short of abuse or rampant selfishness, etc. the parties of a marriage need to keep their own balls in the air. No one else can do it for you, no matter how hard she tries. I sacrificed career and huge swaths to time keeping a big house, packing lunches, cooking goat rogan josh, and covering his weekend calls in the hopes he'd be happy. I failed. I'm sorry your marriage ended like that. However, I don't think this is quite like what we're going through. He's never complained about me, at least not that I know about. Lots of complaints about the other things. That's why I figured he hasn't been himself lately. The times we've talked and he's mentioned things that I may have done that bothered him, they didn't seem very major, and I thought we'd worked through them. I guess that's where he thought I'd dismissed his feelings - I thought it was better, and he didn't. I love being a homeschooling mom, enjoy my job (although it'd be wonderful to not have to worry about a bunch of preschoolers, so we could focus on school easier ). I don't think I've given up on myself or our future. In fact, I think I've grown and become a better person, mom, and wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelissaMinNC Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bpskowski Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I'd like to amend my last reply a bit. I wasn't meaning to bash, but if he is having issues or concerns they are usually going to be self-centered (he's seeing it all from his side only). I didn't mean to imply that he is being willfully manipulative. You have to put in your two cents to correct the balance. Sometimes, it just takes a knock to the head for them (husband or wife) to see it from the other side as well. Sometimes you have to push for them to come out and see the reality of the whole picture. And I agree, everybody is responsible for their own happiness. So in that sense we all need to be a little self-centered. So, if your happiness includes another then you need to fight for it. Don't lay down and take the blame, help him work through his issues proactively. Again, this is where a counselor might be able to objectively help. Plus, maybe he's just depressed and he needs an objective listener. I'm not sure if I made any sense, but I hope everything works out for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjthedog64 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 That does make a lot of sense. Not that I thought you were bashing me the first time. Lol.I think this was my bash in the head. Now that I know how much the things that I thought were little, bother him, I can work on them. I know I can't expect either of us to change just for the other, but I'm sure I can do my share of learning to look at things from his point of view too. I also think he is surprised by reaction, and sees that I really didn't understand what he thought he was expressing. I really appreciate all of the feedback. I'm not sitting here wanting to cry my eyes out anymore Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I really appreciate all of the feedback. I'm not sitting here wanting to cry my eyes out anymore Ahhh, success at last. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 The problem isn't you. He might believe that it's you' date=' but the problem is deeper than that. It's just easy/convenient to blame you. It sounds like you guys really need to see a marriage counselor.[/quote'] :iagree: My BIL did the same thing to my sister last year. They ended up separating because of it. He started going to counselling and figured out she was not the problem. He was. He was unhappy with his lot in life at that point in time and put all the blame on her, rather than taking the steps to become happy with himself and his own decisions. After much couselling on his own and together they are back together doing much better. Not without consequences though. My sister has said they will never have another child together if she has control over it. They have one and she doesn't want to be a single mom to more than 1 if things go wrong again. He also lost the respect of many of us in the extended family and is working to regain it. The plus side is he really is happier now, changed his career path(same career but on his own now running a business no shady partner to deal with anymore), my nephew has his parents back together working hard. From the sounds of things your dh is feeling unhappy, and seems extremely dismissive of you and is shoving the guilt of that onto you as blame. IF you feel you are online too mucha nd want to work things out Awesome! but don't let him get away with telling you, that you are to blame for his lot in life. That's not right at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel marie Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 well, the stuff he is doing right now, he already had planned and looks like it needed to be followed thru. so don't schedule any new stuff without the both of you scheduling time for just yourselves. it is so easy to fall in a routine (i've done it too) that includes two people being married, living in same house, but never doing anything together and over time drifting apart. also, not sharing feelings and not doing something to change what is making you unhappy (your husband in this case) can have a snow-ball effect. ya'll need to sit down and make your relationship the priority and discuss ways to undo the unhappiness ---it sounds like mostly from your husband's end. write it out on paper. when discussing some of this, it may become apparent to your husband that he needs to make some changes for himself that really doesn't involve you. but you can help steer him. how much longer does he have till retirement? can he retire early? when he retires, what will he do? i'm glad he is seeing one of his children this weekend. can he extend an invite for this to happen more often? plan date nites or lunches or whatever during the week. set an exact date of when you will get together. makes things romantic. shake things up a little bit--candles etc... it could help in rekindling your relationships and above all--talk to each other and really listen. if ya'll belong to a church, maybe your pastor could recommend someone for you to help counsel, maybe free of charge???? i know counseling can be costly, but this person can really steer ya'll in the right direction. i know you are feeling despair right now, but actually when i read this i felt relief that you know there is a problem, you know alot of what it is, and there are definite solutions for it. him coming to you and laying all this on you is alot to digest, but please know that this is not all your fault. there are 2 of ya'll in this marriage. now, take the steps needed to fix it. i know you can do it if you are both willing. AND, nothing wrong with you on fb while he is away. expressing your feelings to someone who cares via whatever means you prefer is beneficial. take care. angel R.N. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl in NM Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Praying... You are doing the right thing. You made an agreement and are sticking to. But, the next time he gets home maybe you could explain to him that FB is your outlet for adult conversation. See if he would have a problem with you on FB when he's not home. I know I hate spending time with someone whose always on their phone. It's like they aren't really there with me. Even if they are only playing a mindless game or occasionally replying to FB or texts. That might be what he means when he says your online friends are more important to you than him. Maybe you can have a conversation with him about all that has gone on in his life, how long it's lasted and how long-term, ongoing stress affects people. Is he depressed? How old are you guys? There comes a time in life when you look around and realize "this is it, this is as good as it gets", but it's not what you expected. Counseling wouldn't hurt, but it sounds like you would have a hard time affording it and finding time for it. Try to spend time the 2, it doesn't have to be going out, but could be as simple as taking a motorcycle ride with him. Some of my fondest memories are long motorcycle rides in the country. You don't have to talk, just be together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 My take on it: Men don't always know how to express themselves very well especially when it comes to the drama, then they end up sounding like big babies because it is new territory, or rather, something that doesn't get discussed often enough for them to sound like they are more mature, if you know what I mean. How much time do you get to take for yourself? How much time do the two of you take for your relationship? Date night once a week even if it means you're only going to the mall or out for a drive. I'm not saying counseling isn't a good idea, but try other things first. Personally, there is no way my dh would be hittin' the streets without me. Or staying out late with his friends. We both gave up hanging out with friends long ago. At one point, I complained a lot, in fact, I do complain a lot when I'm not getting enough me-time. Finances are lousy, that doesn't help. I complained about that too. I was told I complain all the time. That's not exactly true but we worked it out. We always work it out. Just because we're women doesn't mean it is always our fault. Just because we're women doesn't mean we are always right either. Maybe he was trying to say that he doesn't feel that you validate him? I'm all for a romantic evening after kiddo is put to bed. I'd try that. Then start working on the emotional aspects starting out with, "We need to talk.";) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel marie Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Praying... You are doing the right thing. You made an agreement and are sticking to. But, the next time he gets home maybe you could explain to him that FB is your outlet for adult conversation. See if he would have a problem with you on FB when he's not home. I know I hate spending time with someone whose always on their phone. It's like they aren't really there with me. Even if they are only playing a mindless game or occasionally replying to FB or texts. That might be what he means when he says your online friends are more important to you than him. Maybe you can have a conversation with him about all that has gone on in his life, how long it's lasted and how long-term, ongoing stress affects people. Is he depressed? How old are you guys? There comes a time in life when you look around and realize "this is it, this is as good as it gets", but it's not what you expected. Counseling wouldn't hurt, but it sounds like you would have a hard time affording it and finding time for it. Try to spend time the 2, it doesn't have to be going out, but could be as simple as taking a motorcycle ride with him. Some of my fondest memories are long motorcycle rides in the country. You don't have to talk, just be together. i like this and am glad this segment has taken a turn from husband bashing. the husband bashing wasn't helping solve the problems she is having. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjthedog64 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Lots of great ideas guys. I've got some talking points going for when we do get together. I know we don't make much time for the two of us. DS is a great kid and I like for him to do things with us. I hadn't thought much about us needing that time alone, other than after bedtime. I'd like to go for a ride with him, but it scares me. ( I texted this to him this morning. ) A couple of years before he got his bike, an acquaintance of ours was killed on a poker run. Total accident that could have happened to anyone. I didn't think much about it until DH got his bike, and got into an accident. Wasn't super bad, broke his leg and ankle, but he still has tremendous ankle pain, 7 years later. Since then, I keep picturing the guy in his coffin. I trust DH's riding, but worry that DS would be orphaned if something happened to both of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel marie Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 yeah, i wouldn't be much on the motorcycle ride either. my dad almost lost his leg on one. i have been forever scared of them. but a nice car ride to the local park would be nice :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl in NM Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I worry about having an accident that will orphan my ds as well. Truth of the matter is that it can happen any time, any place. It's all in God's hands and we have to trust that. That mean take any unnecessary risks. I suggested a bike ride because your DH enjoys it. My step-son died in a motorcycle accident. He made bad split minute decision that bike riders make often and survive. I would still get on a bike and so would my DH. Ds has been on a bike since the accident. We can't blame the motorcycles. We just need to be safe. If you don't have a plan for your ds if something happens to you guys you need to do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Lots of great ideas guys. I've got some talking points going for when we do get together. I know we don't make much time for the two of us. DS is a great kid and I like for him to do things with us. I hadn't thought much about us needing that time alone, other than after bedtime. I'd like to go for a ride with him, but it scares me. ( I texted this to him this morning. ) A couple of years before he got his bike, an acquaintance of ours was killed on a poker run. Total accident that could have happened to anyone. I didn't think much about it until DH got his bike, and got into an accident. Wasn't super bad, broke his leg and ankle, but he still has tremendous ankle pain, 7 years later. Since then, I keep picturing the guy in his coffin. I trust DH's riding, but worry that DS would be orphaned if something happened to both of us. Yikes, I don't think I would ride either, but maybe taking a car to a park one afternoon for a picnic and talking might work. :) It sounds like he is just frustrated, and maybe some down time together will help. I am sure he does not want you to give up your time for adult interaction when he is out, and I would discuss that with him. :grouphug: Dh and I try to have at least two date nights a month, and that helps us stay connected. It does not have to be expensive as long as we are relatively alone and able to be open with one another about how we are feeling. Our marriage has been through a lot that we had no control over, so I get how frustrating it can be and how easy it is for one spouse to blame the other for no reason. It does not make it right, but stress is hard sometimes. Perhaps the root of the problem will surface while you two are talking. :grouphug: Prayers for you family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewingmama Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Why would he care if you are on Facebook when he is not even home? :iagree: I don't really think you are the problem. From the sound of it he is getting a lot of free time to do his own thing while you are always at home alone - doesn't sound fair to me. If he wanted time with you then why doesn't he make it? All he has to do is ask. The fact that you quit Facebook and he still isn't happy says to me the issue is something else entirely and blaming you is just a cover up for the real reason of what is going on with him. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 (edited) The problem isn't you. He might believe that it's you' date=' but the problem is deeper than that. It's just easy/convenient to blame you. It sounds like you guys really need to see a marriage counselor.[/quote'] :iagree: It really sounds to me like he is having a "midlife crisis", what with all the motorcycle stuff. A lot of things in his life haven't gone the way he had envisioned: his older kids, his job, etc. He's not happy with himself, but he's blaming it on you. I agree with the poster who said, "The fact that you quit Facebook and he still isn't happy says to me the issue is something else entirely and blaming you is just a cover up for the real reason of what is going on with him." ETA: I will remember you and your family in my prayers. Edited October 8, 2011 by ereks mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 If he's spending weekends/evenings with his buddies instead of his family I'd say he's more than halfway out of the marriage already. (not referring to the annual things, just in general) I think an occasional guy/gal's night out is fine (say once a month maybe), but in my observation going out weekly with friends (and without spouse) usually ends up badly. I don't think it's your fault, I think his comments about Facebook are just an excuse. However if you feel you ARE neglecting him, that's up to you to fix, but you need to judge that by some rational standard, not just him looking for a convenient excuse to pin his feelings of distance on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 (edited) My take on it: Men don't always know how to express themselves very well especially when it comes to the drama, then they end up sounding like big babies because it is new territory, or rather, something that doesn't get discussed often enough for them to sound like they are more mature, if you know what I mean.How much time do you get to take for yourself? How much time do the two of you take for your relationship? Date night once a week even if it means you're only going to the mall or out for a drive. I'm not saying counseling isn't a good idea, but try other things first. Personally, there is no way my dh would be hittin' the streets without me. Or staying out late with his friends. We both gave up hanging out with friends long ago. At one point, I complained a lot, in fact, I do complain a lot when I'm not getting enough me-time. Finances are lousy, that doesn't help. I complained about that too. I was told I complain all the time. That's not exactly true but we worked it out. We always work it out. Just because we're women doesn't mean it is always our fault. Just because we're women doesn't mean we are always right either. Maybe he was trying to say that he doesn't feel that you validate him? I'm all for a romantic evening after kiddo is put to bed. I'd try that. Then start working on the emotional aspects starting out with, "We need to talk.";) I'm thinking similarly. I'm going to pm you but so much social time away from you and so little time together connecting is a major problem in my opinion. He mentioned facebook specifically and to me it reads like he's feeling neglected, unimportant, and disconnected or something similar to that. I'm glad he's communicating. I think you've got a neon sign telling you (both) to prioritize each other and rebuilding a connection together before things fall completely apart. I'm pming you my own experience and a book suggestion too. Edited October 9, 2011 by sbgrace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 I have only read your post and the first couple of responses. It sounds to me like the two of you are growing apart. He's doing an awful lot by himself, without you. I'm assuming he's the one who likes to be on the go, you aren't. If that's the case. I would find a babysitter for your child and go on the rides with him. I'd make him his favorite dinner. I'd plan a date night. I wouldn't put pressure on him to hug you or do anything intimate (conversation, touch, etc) until he's feeling better about the relationship. I'd try to make myself more involved in his world. If it continues to be rejected, he is the problem. I hope you both can work it all out!!!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 I'm sorry your marriage ended like that. However, I don't think this is quite like what we're going through. He's never complained about me, at least not that I know about. Lots of complaints about the other things. That's why I figured he hasn't been himself lately. The times we've talked and he's mentioned things that I may have done that bothered him, they didn't seem very major, and I thought we'd worked through them. I guess that's where he thought I'd dismissed his feelings - I thought it was better, and he didn't. I love being a homeschooling mom, enjoy my job (although it'd be wonderful to not have to worry about a bunch of preschoolers, so we could focus on school easier ). I don't think I've given up on myself or our future. In fact, I think I've grown and become a better person, mom, and wife. but maybe you're putting ALL your eggs into your homeschool/daycare basket and your dh is feeling neglected? I agree that you can't be in charge of his happiness (and I see nothing wrong with being online when he's not home!) but if he's stating he's unhappy with you, could it be that there's been no intimacy? (again, conversation and such, not just the physical) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 well, the stuff he is doing right now, he already had planned and looks like it needed to be followed thru. so don't schedule any new stuff without the both of you scheduling time for just yourselves. it is so easy to fall in a routine (i've done it too) that includes two people being married, living in same house, but never doing anything together and over time drifting apart. also, not sharing feelings and not doing something to change what is making you unhappy (your husband in this case) can have a snow-ball effect.ya'll need to sit down and make your relationship the priority and discuss ways to undo the unhappiness ---it sounds like mostly from your husband's end. write it out on paper. when discussing some of this, it may become apparent to your husband that he needs to make some changes for himself that really doesn't involve you. but you can help steer him. how much longer does he have till retirement? can he retire early? when he retires, what will he do? i'm glad he is seeing one of his children this weekend. can he extend an invite for this to happen more often? plan date nites or lunches or whatever during the week. set an exact date of when you will get together. makes things romantic. shake things up a little bit--candles etc... it could help in rekindling your relationships and above all--talk to each other and really listen. if ya'll belong to a church, maybe your pastor could recommend someone for you to help counsel, maybe free of charge???? i know counseling can be costly, but this person can really steer ya'll in the right direction. i know you are feeling despair right now, but actually when i read this i felt relief that you know there is a problem, you know alot of what it is, and there are definite solutions for it. him coming to you and laying all this on you is alot to digest, but please know that this is not all your fault. there are 2 of ya'll in this marriage. now, take the steps needed to fix it. i know you can do it if you are both willing. AND, nothing wrong with you on fb while he is away. expressing your feelings to someone who cares via whatever means you prefer is beneficial. take care. angel R.N. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjthedog64 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 I think you guys have hit the nail on the head. I didn't realize it, but I've been neglecting him and us. We've been together so long I think I've just been going through the motions lately. Also, I'm 38, he'll be 42 in two weeks. Men in his family have a history of heart attacks at 45,and early death. I'm sure that factors into it. He's not happy, and wants to be happy before 45. I sent him an apology for neglecting him, and suggested we go for a ride tomorrow evening. I'll put my trust in God that it'll be okay. I'm still emotional, but my heart feels better now. I picked up a couple of books at the library, so I'll do some reading tonight. Thanks to all of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 I think you guys have hit the nail on the head. I didn't realize it, but I've been neglecting him and us. We've been together so long I think I've just been going through the motions lately. Also, I'm 38, he'll be 42 in two weeks. Men in his family have a history of heart attacks at 45,and early death. I'm sure that factors into it. He's not happy, and wants to be happy before 45. I sent him an apology for neglecting him, and suggested we go for a ride tomorrow evening. I'll put my trust in God that it'll be okay. I'm still emotional, but my heart feels better now. I picked up a couple of books at the library, so I'll do some reading tonight. Thanks to all of you
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