What are your strategies for combating negative, quarrelsome people?

[Ginevra]

I'm worn down with brain toxin, from being around an annoying family member all weekend. :glare: She's always been a difficulty in the family and her disagreeableness is widely known. But I was trying, I was really working to let her issues remain her issues. It's just sooo taxing. She's a constant talker in the first place, a super-extrovert and I'm the opposite. I try to give her an outlet for all that endless yammering, because I feel kinda sorry for her (people avoid getting stuck listening to her). But it's just such work to have a conversation with her! She complains and has a pessimistic attitude about EVERY topic.

 

So, for example, at one point, we were talking about college, and everything out of her mouth is gloom-and-doom. She was criticizing her son's girlfriend, who is putting herself through law school on student loans - "Doesn't she realize what a huge debt that's going to be?" but in the next breath, she's saying how a bachelor's is practically worth nothing and there are NO jobs for anything less than a masters (strange, seeing how her 4 adult children are all working and only one has a masters and one did not get even a bachelors!) *sigh* It just goes this way over every single discussion or topic.

 

She hates the beds in the house, she resents that the guys are out fishing while we're "stuck in here on our a@@es," she wants to go do something fun, she went for a walk and then complained that it's all flat (no hills) and not worth the exercise, it's too hot in the house and how can I stand that sweatshirt...you get the picture. :glare: Sheesh. I don't know what to do with myself to dump the Vibe-of-Misery I've been absorbing all weekend and just get on with salvaging a happy July 4th!

[Denisemomof4]

can you tell her that all the negativity leaves you feeling exhausted?

 

I had a friend like this once. Once being the KEY word here. I just can't take it. But nobody in your family talking to her is enabling her, isn't it?

 

Go relax and enjoy the rest of the day in PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:001_smile:

[eternalknot]

Headphones, or a productive, wet cough in her general direction when you see her making a beeline for you?

 

I'm sorry. I have someone like this in my husband's family. You start off feeling badly that everyone is trying to avoid her, even though you know and understand why, but eventually you get sucked into her vortex. My in-law has is also completely oblivious to social cues and body language, and really just wants to talk to hear her own voice LOL. She's not phased by the insincere head nods and occasional "uh-huhs" - she just needs to talk.

 

I joke with my in-law that she's Debbie Downer. When she starts going off on a tangent, I say: "Debbie ... go away ... bring X back out to play ..." and she will sometimes bring herself back in check. I can get away with stuff like that, though; most people she would rip a new one into. When I've had enough, I make her say one good thing about every complaint she has. Not accusingly, but jokingly. Firmly, though LOL.

 

I think she really is just discontent, and doesn't realize how negative she comes across to the rest of us. Sometimes for fun I just mimic her, to her. It's satisfying in the sense that she doesn't quite pick up on it, but I feel slighly vindicated. It's disastisfying in that it brings no resolution to my being stuck in her vortex. Equally amusing is to just call the person out on the inconsistencies of their complaints (as with your offender's opinion on Bachelor's degrees) = again, not accusingly, just jokingly. Hopefully she can laugh at herself; if not, it's high-time someone encouraged her to. Why not you, now ;)

 

Maybe be firm, but loving with her - sort of the way you'd be with a preschooler.

[Rosie_0801]

"You know, I think I'm going to go wash the dishes."

 

If that doesn't work,

 

"You know, I think I'm going to go clean the bathroom."

 

:tongue_smilie:

 

If you want to be polite, though, just agree with whatever she's saying. You don't have to listen, just say "oh, that's so true" and "I hate that" a lot.

 

Rosie

[kalanamak]

Have you ever thought of very gently telling her you have something important to tell her, and just lay it on the line. What will she do? Slash your tires? Rake her nails across your face? I don't see what you have to lose, besides the effort.

[Stacia]

Remember not to let yourself be an outlet for her. Just walk away before she gets to you, find some excuse to leave if she corners you, or tell her straight out that her pessimistic attitude has gotten on your last nerve & you just can't listen to it anymore.

 

I have some relatives like this, but I don't really have to be around them. So, I don't. Life is actually much nicer that way, imo.

 

Why waste *your* time being dragged down by her?

[LaxMom]

I avoid aggressively hostile people. I don't have the energy to deal with them, then debrief from the whole thing later.

 

And I'm not particularly nice about it. My, uh, "filter" slips in these situations and I find myself saying things like "you're exhausting. I'm going for a walk," or "do not speak in front of my children. We teach them NOT to be bigots."

 

I am less than a hit at family gatherings so, guess what? I don't have to suffer through them any more. Win-win.

[Audrey]

Sometimes I just say to people, "Your negativity is exhausting my ability to be around you. Can we take our relationship to a more positive plane, please?"

 

And, if that doesn't get some changes happening, then I have been known to say, "Take your whine elsewhere."

 

It seems harsh, but it usually takes a bit to get me to that point. I don't think we're doing people a favour by enabling their negative behaviour. We aren't the only ones who don't want to be around them. They are usually so self-centred in their negativity that they have no clue that people find them boorish at best, toxic at worst. So... enlighten your friend. She sounds like she really needs it.

[angela in ohio]

I have no idea. They make me cry.

 

I got lucky, and the worst ones I knew went out of my life when we left our old church. :001_smile: I also just quit being around a few homeschoolers I knew lide that.

 

That just leaves my mil. :D It's easy with her, because I love dh a lot, and I keep my mouth shut to make him happy. But I do cry.

[Ginevra]

Headphones, or a productive, wet cough in her general direction when you see her making a beeline for you?

 

I'm sorry. I have someone like this in my husband's family. You start off feeling badly that everyone is trying to avoid her, even though you know and understand why, but eventually you get sucked into her vortex. My in-law has is also completely oblivious to social cues and body language, and really just wants to talk to hear her own voice LOL. She's not phased by the insincere head nods and occasional "uh-huhs" - she just needs to talk.

 

Yes, it's exactly like this. Even if you're staring at your spaghetti and barely glancing in her direction while she's talking, she will go on and on in her oblivious way.

 

 

I joke with my in-law that she's Debbie Downer. When she starts going off on a tangent, I say: "Debbie ... go away ... bring X back out to play ..." and she will sometimes bring herself back in check. I can get away with stuff like that, though; most people she would rip a new one into. When I've had enough, I make her say one good thing about every complaint she has. Not accusingly, but jokingly. Firmly, though LOL.

 

That's a great idea, actually. She might possibly hear herself if I said exactly this. If something like this doesn't work, she most likely would not get angry, she would just remain oblivious.

 

 

I think she really is just discontent, and doesn't realize how negative she comes across to the rest of us. Sometimes for fun I just mimic her, to her. It's satisfying in the sense that she doesn't quite pick up on it, but I feel slighly vindicated. It's disastisfying in that it brings no resolution to my being stuck in her vortex. Equally amusing is to just call the person out on the inconsistencies of their complaints (as with your offender's opinion on Bachelor's degrees) = again, not accusingly, just jokingly. Hopefully she can laugh at herself; if not, it's high-time someone encouraged her to. Why not you, now ;)

Yeah, usually I do try to point out her inconsistencies, but it doesn't have any effect on her. I do think she's generally just unhappy and I'm positive she has no idea how she sounds.

 

 

"You know, I think I'm going to go wash the dishes."

 

If that doesn't work,

 

"You know, I think I'm going to go clean the bathroom."

 

:tongue_smilie:

 

She has been known to follow people around, trying to talk to them.

 

 

If you want to be polite, though, just agree with whatever she's saying. You don't have to listen, just say "oh, that's so true" and "I hate that" a lot.

 

Rosie

BWAHHAHAHAHA! That's too good. I wonder how that would sound. I'm chuckling just thinking about it.

 

 

Have you ever thought of very gently telling her you have something important to tell her, and just lay it on the line. What will she do? Slash your tires? Rake her nails across your face? I don't see what you have to lose, besides the effort.

 

No. For real. There just no chance that I will succeed in having her hear herself as she actually sounds. She's inherently not self-aware. This would just make me a bi*c* and would not change her one bit. I think. ;)

 

 

Sometimes I just say to people, "Your negativity is exhausting my ability to be around you. Can we take our relationship to a more positive plane, please?"

 

I like that.

 

 

[Tarreymere]

I usually channel an elderly, partially deaf person with dementia and a tendency to discuss any physical ailments that occur to me to develop. DH is the same way, it is extremely difficult sometimes to keep a straight face around each other.

[kalanamak]

 

No. For real. There just no chance that I will succeed in having her hear herself as she actually sounds. She's inherently not self-aware. This would just make me a bi*c* and would not change her one bit. I think. ;)

 

Oh, but then you'd be out of "hearing duty". That is the beauty of my plan.

[Ginevra]

Oh, but then you'd be out of "hearing duty". That is the beauty of my plan.

 

:lol: I like the way you think! :lol: Nah...I've gone a few rounds with her over the years, but I've never managed to get permanently out of hearing duty! ;) I swear, she'd talk to the squirrels if I wasn't there.

[Sputterduck]

If you kick her in the shins it might give her some perspective. Just sayin...

[LibraryLover]

 

So, for example, at one point, we were talking about college, and everything out of her mouth is gloom-and-doom. She was criticizing her son's girlfriend, who is putting herself through law school on student loans - "Doesn't she realize what a huge debt that's going to be?"

 

 

 

OMG. I would love nothing better than to tell her about my kid. :lol: You do not know how much I do not say in IRL. Send her to me. I'll shut her mouth. lol

 

PS Probably not. I am such a wimp. lol

Edited July 5, 2011 by LibraryLover

[readinmom]

One of the best ways I've dealt with it and I must say, has been quite effective is this:

 

Smile and say okay after each of the statements. They really begin to question themselves, and eventually stop talking because they're not getting the response they need.

 

I really hate these beds...smile, "Okay."

 

I can't believe my son is dating her...smile, "Okay."

 

College is too expensive these days...smile, "Okay."

[Saujana]

Remember not to let yourself be an outlet for her.

 

Why waste *your* time being dragged down by her?

 

:iagree:

 

BTDT. She will continue that direction as long as she find someone who will listen. Letting her dump all her negativity on you, is not gong to help her nor you in anyway.

 

Stop her from gong that route might be a more loving way to serve her.

[Saujana]

OMG. I would love nothing better than to tell her about my kid. :lol: You do not know how much I do not say in IRL. Send her to me. I'll shut her mouth. lol

 

PS Probably not. I am such a wimp. lol

 

You are so funny!!!!:lol::lol:

[AndyJoy]

My paternal grandfather is just like this.

 

My dad once slipped into the kitchen while grandpa was ranting and cut up several kids of cheese and arranged them on a platter. He brought it out and offered it to my grandpa saying, "Would you like some cheese with that whine?":lol: Grandpa laughed and restrained himself for about an hour, so it didn't really produce a good long-term result other than providing the rest of us with a funny anecdote!:D

[Ginevra]

One of the best ways I've dealt with it and I must say, has been quite effective is this:

 

Smile and say okay after each of the statements. They really begin to question themselves, and eventually stop talking because they're not getting the response they need.

 

I really hate these beds...smile, "Okay."

 

I can't believe my son is dating her...smile, "Okay."

 

College is too expensive these days...smile, "Okay."

 

 

Hey! I think I'll try that!

 

What do you do when she asks a question, which seems pretty much designed to have more to quarrel about? For example, she said, "What do you guys do in the evenings? Like after dinner and before you go to bed?" She's only asking so she can say, "(DH) does nothing but watch TV! Yes, I like reading, too, but I get tired of it after a while," etc.

 

Would you say, "Oh, you know. Same as most people I guess. This and that."

[readinmom]

Something pretty much along those lines.

 

"Oh, we just have our normal routines." "Oh, we're just your average boring people in the evening."

 

Sometimes it's just affirming what they're saying: "My husband watches tv all night instead of talking to me." Response: "Oh..." or "That must be difficult for you." If there's no fuel for the fire, there's nothing to keep talking about.

 

I had to take a seminar on dealing with difficult people. I passed some of it on to my husband, who coaches baseball.

 

Parent: My son deserves more playing time. He's the best player out there.

 

Coach: Okay. Which player would you suggest that I take out of the line up so that your son can play? Let me get my line up sheet...(hustles off to the dugout to get paper/comes back to parent who has now disappeared into the stands.

 

 

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, but sometimes using these can give you some hidden smiles at a later date!